I Bring the Weird Stuff

I'm Still Gone

2009-03-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

I dunno. It's different coming back here after a long absence provided by Facebook. Do I miss it? Very lightly. No one comes by to talk to me unless it involves Facebook. Makes me wonder if people talked to here think of me as just some form of entertainment. Ah, the busy life. I've just celebrated 4 years with Sara and we behave like an old couple these days, too tired to fuck. Arguing only takes place lightly because we both fall asleep so fast. I've started chatting up people I haven't seen in over 10 years thanks to Facebook. IM'ing is fun because at least one of my friends is on throughout the day or night. Seen the new movie, Let the Right One In? Haunting vampire movie where a 12-year-old girl is lonely enough to strike up a friendship with a bullied boy next door. Found myself cheering when one of the bullies was beheaded. Little kids can be so cruel. Happy twats all around.

Goodbye?

2009-02-18T06:08:00.000-08:00

This just might be the end. My readers have disappeared. I'm more involved with Facebook. Hardly anyone speaks back to me on this blog and I grow bored when people have nothing to say. We'll see............

2009-02-05T10:24:00.001-08:00

Experiencing computer problems. Thanks for asking. Might be back.

Afros And Dildos

2009-01-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

"This week, I got by with a little help from my friends."

-Me

Never mind the snow. I sure as hell don't. Never mind the mindless idiots at work. I sure as hell didn't. Why? This is going to sound weird but Facebook has now provided me with the ability to ignore the frustrations that seemed to plague my whole existence.

It's weird to find that all sorts of people found me just because I typed my name into a website. While I was fearful of people I hate shoveling it high and hot, this hasn't been the case at all. I'm now back to talking to a few people I haven't heard from in so long that the good memories creep back in. Facebook is a whole network of people being plugged in so keeping in touch has become simple for me. No more keeping track of a mass of emails. No more hating how so many people read my blog only to never announce themselves. I'm free!

Of course, I got lucky at work. Someone shipped a large box that fell apart. In it was a large amount of 60's and 70's porn for projectors. Large amounts of pictures of various women of all sizes with massive bushes! It was hard not to laugh as my male co-workers had a blast knowing their grandparents probably rubbed 'em out to these protected works of art. Who would have thought that interracial porn was so rebellious back then since we're so used to it now?

So, I'm off to sleep soon due to a doctor's appointment. The snow is kind of pretty to look at from the window but a major bitch to deal with once you set foot outside. Happy twats all around.

Now On Facebook

2009-01-22T20:32:00.001-08:00

"New things to do. People to amuse me."

-Me

Since things have been so quiet here on the blog-front, I've been playing around on Facebook. As you know, Sara signed me up. Good thing. It's like a new toy for me and I find myself laughing at some of the things our tight-knit group comes up with. For one thing, people pretty much comment all the time or come up with something to say, something that's dying here on Blogger.

I'll blog but I really like keeping up with the group of people from Indiana right now. If you want, come to Facebook and send me a poke that you'd like to add me as a friend. This means you know my name or email address used in the search feature. You'll get to see the group of people that keep me so young as a reward.

Be warned: white trash has learned to use the Internet. Why would you be so proud of your night at Chuck E Cheese after the age of 10?

So, hang in there. I'm still here. 2 people added me today and plenty more to come as I've found some of my old high school chums. It's amazing to know where some people ended up. Never go full-retard is my advice of the day. Happy twats all around.

Spoken To Like A Child

2009-01-20T20:21:00.000-08:00

"Never ever be so gullible as to trusting those in politics by turning your back."

-Me

Today was historical. Not only do we have our first black president but I got a verbal warning at work. There is nothing better than to now remember the most frustrating event forever and ever. I should be celebrating the leaving of a 'C' student from the most powerful position in the world. Instead, I am cursing the hells of employment.

The most important thing is, of course, Obama. It's fascinating how just the color of his skin has many people up in arms. I'm a realist and know how so many white Republicans see this election as being tainted due to this. Just look at some of the infamous Myspace pictures put up by these people. Yeah, the 'N' word gets thrown around along with how great Jeezus is. Why is it that many sat so quiet while Bush made mistake after mistake? Whites can be extremely dumb, too.

Whatever your belief, I must say that Obama better get to work because this world is beyond a mess/crisis. We've got more people out of work than I've ever seen in my life. It's no longer considered a diss when mentioning the fact you are unemployed. It's just that fucking hard to get a job where you can live while, yes, there are still people too lazy to do anything about it. Hell, no one wants my job and I'll get into that......

Today, I got a verbal warning. I kind of laugh about it because it made me feel like I am back in high school again. Then again, it could be how my boss, younger than me, feels the need to talk down to me. So, I missed one day due to being in Indiana. Ya know what? I've come in extremely sick yet told to work faster/harder. There have been times I've come close to throwing up but I trekked on. This all comes after learning that all this treating us as children is due to our bosses making a little extra change off of our hard work. Do we see a dime?

I'm not the type to not show up for work. I've got a life, ya know? It just so happens to be a bit over an hour away. Nice one if a guy can get it. A job's just......a job. I do it and leave. These aren't the types of people I'd normally hang out with but work with. When I see bad treatment, I'm not going to give it over 100%. What idiot would allow others to make more money off of the sweat of others? You'd be crazy since I see a lot of on-the-job injuries. Ask me about which bodypart feels like it's going to fall off.

Nothing's going to change. I'll probably be getting verbal warning from here on out due to these new policies that come out of nowhere. See? The bad economy gives managers the feeling that they can look down at us while they just stand there watching us run around like little trained maniacs. I'm not one of those. I tend to run with the bad crowd and just do what I am told without all that ass kissing.

Had a good time in Indiana so a verbal warning was worth it. Came back today to a happy little dog and feeling a bit more energetic. Rough sex tends to get things going again all while relaxing the body's frantic state.

One thing is new. I'm now on Facebook. Oh, how I've crumbled and bowed down to the Internet thanks to Sara's signing me up. I'm now faced with possibly talking to people I've not seen for over a decade. Many rightfully so. There's a few I'd like to see what's happened to them but not many. I'm wary of those that wore out their welcomes years ago and I must admit to being easily agitated over old memories that haunt me. We'll see......

So, I leave with a little anger but also happiness. I'm my own person all while being happy that we seem to have a good guy in charge of the U.S. Will people stop hating us? Can we send the racist Republicans into the sea to be shark chum? Happy twats all around.

Redder Than You

2009-01-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

Hi, we're at -20 degrees. How are you? Do you know what it's like when you step out into the night's air and feel as if your ears are going to fall off? Do you have a nose? It'll be redder than Jenna Jameson's clit after an all-night sex session. Are there boogers in your nose? Gonna feel like a whole mass of 'em decided to band together and get harder than a 10-year old pile of dogshit. Got all your fingers? Aint gonna be able to close your hand, motherfucker.

To all of you that complain while living in 60 degree weather........I say y'all are a bunch o' day old flimsy dirty laundry. I'm a polar bear. 10 degree weather means nothing to me. But at -20 degrees? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm as hung as Sara says I am.

I can be thankful of one thing. The old man didn't reek of messy ass. There is hope in the world for at least one thing went right.

Something New. Something Brown.

2009-01-14T20:22:00.000-08:00

"Oh gawd, no! Ah's gots to get up, work out, eat lunch, go to work, come home a mess, find something to keep me from getting depressed, go to bed, and repeat!"

-Me

The smell of ass is not a nice smell. Am I right, ladies? It's one of those odors that can really hit your nose so hard you'll feel like a boxer hit it perfectly. How is it possible for someone to forget to wash their ass?

I must be cursed for the last two moments of employment have brought me into buildings occupied by a co-worker that does not bathe. Remember way back when when it came to Stinky? Oh, how I have not forgotten a fat nerdy white guy that smelled worse than the typical Muslim forgoing deodarant due to religious reasons. Those were the days where I didn't need to call out Stinky's name. I could just point my nose up in the air and, depending on how strong the smell of him was, clearly told me where he was.

Plus, I will never forget Stinky's sudden blurting out that he masturbates to Japanese Manga movies, cartoons with exaggerated breasts and penises. The moment this happened made work go by so fast that night.

So, let it be known. I have spent the last 3 days working in an environment where one of my co-workers has taken a dump in his pants to announce his presence. "I am here! Let my turds be known!" I shit you not. I've spent time during out meetings before work even takes place keeled over due to the smell of the man. Somehow, I am admitting that I will take back the smell of Stinky if it meant ridding these new fumes.

It is a first to work with someone that reeks of shit. This place has warned this old man, from what I've been told. I'm not sure why it has no effect. You'd think that people nearly dying all around you would make you take notice that it is time to wash that old ass. Even a comedian my parents loved had a perfectly named title:

"You've gotta wash yo' ass."

I couldn't have said it better myself. No one likes to smell like poop. Well, maybe kindergarteners or those younger. Hell, I'm sure there is a kid you remember from school that would come smelling like shit. We had one, white kid with a gigantic ass named 'Clay.' Many a person was known to get sick sitting behind him.

I know this entry sounds weird but I'm in need of a venting. I'm extremely senstive to smell and will bask in the glories of those that I love. There is something that makes me as high as a sprite when it comes to Japanese blossoms, vanilla, amber, and especially strawberries. Of course, I do love the smell of pussy and if you sit in front of me clothed, with your legs spread, I can tell you what yours smells like. My only issue, even with the ones before, is that your pussy doesn't have too strong of a smell.

Shit and ass just ruin my days at work now. How can someone go to work smelling like this all while walking around with filthy skidmarks!?!

In other news, my mom and I have patched things up for now. Work sucks even more because of something I cannot understand. The weather is absolutely awful. I need sex. An Italian girl that is very shy in my gym has a crush on me. Old Nick has given me an idea as to how to make mowing your lawn much more fun (Hint: It involves beer). I'm going to Indiana this weekend.

Should I talk of the swingers Sara and I met on New Year's Eve? Due to my inner horniness where I try to avoid realizing that an older guy nearby smells of shit, my mind goes there.

So, I am outta here during another fine day of coldest of cold air making itself known. Only the true freaks of the gym go at this time. Funny to see the shy Italian girl that will not miss a moment of running nearby me. She's nice so I have coaxed out smiles from her rather than her typical scowls. Hard to explain but she is so guarded until you knock down that shyness. Working out is more fun when everyone around you is open to being goofy. Happy twats all around.

Mothers

2009-01-12T20:24:00.001-08:00

"Hell hath no fury like a son pissed off over a mother's mistake towards his girlfriend."

-Me

Well, that's a kind of a good quote but only if said mother actually understands the fucking damage she does when opening her fucking mouth.

Moms. Can't live with 'em. Can't understand why they still have no understanding over the concept of sharing.

Life just got more complicated. It looks like Circuit City, the second most well-known leading electronics seller, is going to completely fold. The reason why this is bad? Someone has to keep Best Buy honest. Trust me. Those boys are pretty damn sneaky on how they run things. Best Buy rips you off, here and there, by running as if its taken over Wal-Mart's ways. Don't get me wrong for I do like Best Buy. They're just sneaky......even if Circuit City was kind of a ghetto version of it where the parking lot was pretty much empty at all times.

Plus, our WaldenBooks is closing! Wow! That store has been open forever in this town so it'll feel odd with it being gone. It holds something special with me because I bought my first Playboy from there. The first time went great but then I was carded. Actually, let me tell you the story.......

A long time ago, I went to WaldenBooks for no reason other than to browse. Somehow, I just decided to pick up the newest issue of Playboy at the time. There was nothing else there that amused me so why not? The model, Stephanie Seymour, was on the cover and I was curious as to what kind of bush or no bush she had. Trust me. The slightest hint of pubic hair displayed to a 16-year-old causes mild convulsions in the crotch area, very pleasant, too. Lucky for me, the clerk let me go out the door with that issue of Playboy. My once shaky hands were now itching through the issue's pages in hopes of seeing the loveliness of Stephanie. Oh, was it worth it! There she was on a picnic table with a very obvious small snatch of hair between her legs.

Man, you don't know how fucking nervous I was to purchase an issue of Playboy from WaldenBooks. That day is forever etched in my memory banks of weird things that mean a lot to me. Hell, the guy that let me leave with it had glasses. This was years and years ago so it's obvious this memory means something.

Of course, me being me, I had to see if purchasing the next issue of Playboy would happen again. It's monthly, ya know. Sure, I had a subscription but sometimes the store got them ahead of me. Stephanie beckoned the call of nature now it was some girl in rollerblades. Nope. I had to honor the fact that I was turned down for being too young. 16 years of age just didn't allow this male's pupils to widen over the sight of personal hair now unwanted in this day of age. One of the worst rejections is to find you are just too young. I could be as ugly as a cat's butt. I could be as retarded as the high school kid that nearly bit me before boarding the short bus. I just couldn't purchase nudity because I was 2 years off.

Just to show my sadistic side, I do sometimes wish to hold the power of allowing nudie magazines to be purchased while working in a bookstore. I'd taunt and tease as I look up and down over someone that is obviously of age and ask for I.D. Or if it's a kid that is definitely younger than 18, I'd yell out for a price-check on Hustler or try to start up a conversation on the benefits of porn. The only thing is no bookstore sells Hustler. Plus, my own girlfriend would love to get into a long discussion on the power of porn.

My guess is that I'm the only one that's happy for Israel's fighting back against Hamas. Fascinating how there are so many protests against this. How would these naive idiots feel if someone constantly sent shells into their homes during a cease-fire period? Plus, Hamas sets up its headquarters near or in schools just to taunt Israel. Talk about not playing fair.

Yeah, I was here this weekend but a lot of distractions came up. Namely, my mother called up Sara to tell her to stay home. 3 times. This pissed me off. Sara was going to come here at some point but my mother was out of her goddamn mind for some reason. Sara needs sex. Hell, I need sex to keep the weird insect-like creatures from overtaking my already fragile mind.

Kidding. There are no 'insect-like creatures.' I'm sorry to say that, yes, my mind is fragile, though.

So, I must be off after watching FX's showing of Hellboy. Ever seen it? It's good but the sequel is amazing! Who the hell comes up with the idea of World War 2 soldiers finding a demon that was supposed to be nurtured by Nazis only to become a part of a team sent to help rid the world of bad things? Oh, Hellboy really likes cats and candy. It's charming when something destined for evil understands women's needs for the furry companions. Happy twats all around.

Benjamin?

2009-01-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

"I'm motivated by the fact that I wish to spend my evenings face-down on the bar."

-Me

While taking into account this movie that I have been obsessed with but have yet to see, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, my girlfriend said something that reminded me of it. While the character played by Brad Pitt ages backwards, I don't seem to fucking age at all! Beat that, Dick Clark! I'm far sexier with bigger balls o' magnitude!

Okay, let's be serious now. I was laying around on Sara's bed (clothed, you pervs) and played around with the contents of my wallet. Lots of old pictures fell out, namely my high school I.D.s. Interesting. I'm pretty sure the last 3 years of high school were in there only to soon find my old college I.D.s as well. Then, came my old drivers licenses. Of course, they were cut in half but the pictures stayed. With all these pictures surrounding me, I showed them to Sara.

"My boyfriend is a vampire."

That's what she said. I don't seem to age at all. While I was only slightly skinnier in an old gym I.D. and various hairstyle changes over the years, everything else was the same. There is nothing to warrant the impact of age. Would I be perfect for the lifestyle I do have a tendency to remember?

"Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."

If you didn't grow up in the 80's, this movie quote will baffle you a bit. People I come across from high school or private school look like shit. Fat bloated people that gave up on life just don't interest me. Why do people think that the best thrill is coming home from work and flipping channels?

Then again, I could be labeled as a retard for enjoying the high caused by a 25-minute treadmill run that leaves me wondering my own sanity. I must be the only one that gets excited about reaching the machine's readout that tells me I burned 100 calories in less than 10-minutes.

"Go retard, go!

I'm a little better. Depression seems to have hit me hard due to my evenings spent walking to the car with the collar of my topcoat pulled up. It's fucking cold these days here in Illinois. A few days here and there is no big issue but a whole week where going outside is avoided as much as possible? I'm not interested in pissing icicles on a tree.

If I don't go to Indiana this weekend, I might edit and add to my Year In Review. Who knows. I'm not entirely satisfied with it since it feels like all those paragraphs feel like they were spit out.

As for New Year's.......it was good. Found out you shouldn't leave a group of girls alone with a karaoke machine. Some of them butchered my favorite songs. What I really want to do is go back in time and sing my best version of Human League's "Don't You Want Me." So many of those girls had no clue as to how a lot of my favorite music goes. Each year, they do Billy Joel's "Piano Man" that's okay, nothing special. To really give it a go, play something that kicks things up and brings out emotions. You cannot go wrong with 80's hair metal.

Yes, there was the inevitable midnight kiss and I was super drunk by midnight. Champagne bottle in hand and lots of shrimp in my belly, that's how this never-aging-guy lives his life. The best part is being put on the spot during a card game. I'm the only guy out of 5 that can name a brand of tampon. Kotex. Somehow, I kept it quiet that I know Playtex Pearl Glides thanks to a girlfriend that gave me a lesson on how great they are. Remember how I used to have a huge fear of tampon boxes?

I'm still afraid of midgets, though. It's the fear of getting into a fight with one. What do I do, get on my knees and go at it? Or do I drop-kick the little shit into the next parking lot?

So, I'm outta here. Card games that bring out a vampire's tampon knowledge. It almost sounds like the two go together. Get it? The best part is forcing all the girls playing to take a drink. Why? They all admit that they gave blowjobs at some point this year. C'mon, get happy. Happy twats all around.

No Likey

2009-01-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

Have you ever hated yourself for a period of time? My moment has been going on since New Year's Day and it really hurts when all I can think about is how my Year In Review was far too open. Me, me, me is not the way to go!

Year In Review

2008-12-28T20:20:00.000-08:00

"I can see Chicago from my house."

-Me

Well, this is my Year In Review entry. What I'm going to do about all this is to just add things throughout the week, clearly leading into next year. In other words, this is going to one mutha of an entry as I find more things to add each day. You have been warned and, hopefully, offended.

1). The best way to start out all this is by what you see around you. Never before have I seen something like the recession we are in. A mall nearby has closed its doors. People are having an impossible time finding jobs. Worked 25 years for a company? Means nothing as many more get layed off over people worrying over their own money. In other words, is it possible that Americans realize there are more important things than owning everything?

I think a lot of this goes along with watching Sara try and find employment. It was certainly a bitch to see her near giving up. It was in the car coming back that Sara told me she didn't know what she was going to do after being turned down yet again. Even though it's great that she's working at Macy's, there is still the inevitable due to retail's sluggish season ending. Many of my own friends now work less hours at their old jobs only to be forced into working part-time at another job.

What about my job? Been there just over a year, 1 year and 3 months, to be exact. I've had plenty of ups and downs in regards to how I am treated. Yeah, I've got muscles but they do wear the fuck down after hauling things weighing over 50 pounds day after day. Plus, I don't understand why managers bitching you out don't put down their fucking machine thingees to help. I can only do so much, fucker. Plus, why is it that certain employees get treated so much better than us lowly dock workers? Employee morale is a must.

2). Yeah, I supported Obama. In no way do I regret it, even if there are a few things he's done that annoy me. Serves me right. Obama did say that he was willing to work with all, instead of filtering out the bastards that continue to ruin this world. This so-called amazing pastor that has been invited to the Inauguration is just a small issue while the holding off of taxing the rich gets to me more. We are a nation in great distress. Dealing with the issues of allowing gays to marry can wait for now.

But why not? I'm impressed with a presidential hopeful displaying his feelings that gays should be allowed to marry. Tis' would be nice. Think of how the economy would be helped by catering! Gays love to exhibit taste, most likely more so than the typical wedding that tends to look more like white trash exhibit A these days. As much as I do enjoy seeing religious leaders' facial expressions when mentioning a pussy touching another pussy or two dicks finding their way into another male's mouth, it's time to allow gays to marry. Where a person puts their genitals is of no concern to you, reader.

Pray tell. Obama's going to have one hell of a time in the White House. Our current president has left an enormous mess to sort through. No matter what Obama does, there is going to be plenty blame placed his way. The first 100 days, or possibly more, may give him a bit of lee-away due being new and black. In my own view, no matter what Obama does, it will be far superior than what McCain could come up with.

3). Personally, I've grown to slow down in my need to blog. It's a weird thing, to sit here at a computer and feel like I am talking to myself. Seriously, that's how I view this thing. Whatever my mind is going over ends up here in my own little space I have allowed you to read. I've no problem offending you for I am a firm believer that that kind of thing awakens a reader out of his/her little safe spot. Plus, we all enjoy discussing the little weird things about sex. Penises are ridiculous looking. Vaginas? We all know they can wreck havoc with their vast amounts of smells.

Work kind of wears me down to the point that I'd rather do other things than sit here at a computer. With my deaf co-worker to bitch things out with, I'm less prone to outbursts. Ah, yes, being in a large cold truck tends to rock me to sleep. By 11pm, I'm almost as dead as a doornail these days.

That's not to say I don't enjoy blogs. There are a few I've been reading for years and years. Isn't that creepy? When I look back at it all, I realize that I've known some people over the computer for more than 5 years. When it reaches 10 years, I think it's done time we admit we're all married to each other. To think that it was just over 3 years that I was once offered a pair of dirty knickers by a woman that told me I am in need of a good spanking.

4). One thing I will not forget about this year is being told that Sara misses me all the time. Yes, little ol' me, the white boy with no ass, has been hinted at that I need to start thinking of moving to Indiana next year. I still remember that evening very well. For one thing, it was my birthday in an Italian restaurant that Sara had a slightly hard time telling me that I am missed when I leave the bed to go back home.

Obviously, this will be a first. I've never been told that after years of dating, it's time to take the next step. With Sara and I, it all started at her favorite burger restaurant, X-Men 2 in the DVD player, and sex. See? Sex on the first date does tend to keep some guys. So, stop fretting about that blowjob you gave to the guy you picked up on 2nd Street. He might actually come back for another one.

This is where I'm scared. Moving in is a big step. It's an even bigger step when two people have completely different viewpoints on how to keep an apartment/house. I'm neat. Sara is...well, it's like her closet throws up everyday. No matter how hard I try to keep my eyes closed upon entering her room, I just cannot understand how someone can allow large piles of dirty clothes to be all over a room. I've had this slight fantasy of hosting dinner parties in Sara's apartment, as her friends do. How is that possible when there are dirty panties and socks all over the place? It's even harder to feel sexual when the coughing and sneezing overcome me.

5). My car. Oh, lordy! What a great year to experience things go wrong on an interstate! Even better is the fact that I got driven home by a guy with only one hand. Remember Flipper? That was his nickname after having the fingers in one of his hands pulled out by a horse. You just cannot go wrong with a discussion of Flipper over dinner. It's almost like being an astronaut. While he/she might say, "But have you ever been to the moon," I would end up saying, "Yeah, but have you ever been driven home by a guy with only one hand?"

One of the scariest things is having a car break down on the interstate. Fuck! I'm not one to cry but I sure as hell got angry on that hot day driving home. Pulled over to the side and noticed that I only had battery power to get one phone call out. Lucky for me, I met Flipper, of course. I'm certainly not mad about how 30 minutes of being there meant no one else bothered to stop. How many times have you pulled up to a person in distress to help out?

There were other incidents where my car quit. This also brought about the answer as well. My dad changed the fuel type by allowing me to run on E-85. While it does work in the city, the interstate is a whole other matter. Things tend to overheat or the car reads a full tank of E-85 as being empty. Weird. Think of what I went through. 2 or 3 months to figure that all out.

This being a recession, my car went through another ordeal. It was broken into for the first time! Ah-ha! I popped my cherry when it comes to dealing with people that absolutely need your $1.75 of change that consists of nickels and pennies. That's all they got, along with the garage door opener whose code we had to change. Once things settled down, I do admit to a little bit of being freaked that someone had been in my car without my permission. No matter how fucked up the car, intrusion is not warranted.

6). The Dark Knight, what an amazing movie! As of December 29th, I have seen it around 8 times and it just keeps impressing me with how it all came together. Sure, we all hear about Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. While I must say that I was thrilled that it was hype worthy of placing this man up for an Oscar, I must say that, by jolly, the darkness consumed me into a mist that I could not comprehend yet I allowed it to overtake me into its warm embrace. This is what Batman is about.

What people keep forgetting is that Batman is a man obsessed with some sort of psychologically implanted need to rid the world of evil and its ilk. He just does not fuck around. Period. The director, Christopher Nolan (geeks are now in love with this man), gave us a movie full of things that this comic book is famous for. The street fight scene, while there are a lot of good scenes, is something I continue to watch over and over. The Joker, a bit on the suicidal side, dares Batman to bend his rules of not killing no matter how evil the person is. Look at Batman's anger as he is forced to decide on this, even if it means crashing into the truck.

There was no funny sidekick, something that has irritated me to no avail. When it came to The Dark Knight, I truly felt like I was home to those stories I read as a kid. These weren't little kids' comics but more adult where decisions, no matter the outcome, just aren't easy. Sometimes, people just fucking die, man.

The Dark Knight went like this: The Joker was chaos to Batman's rigid goodness (even if he did bend the rules sometimes) and Two-Face represented chance. Nothing is as simple as this but these are the best descriptions you can get. What the Joker kept trying to do is get everyone to realize that society can create the very evil it tries to rid itself of. An old joke in comics is that when a person in costume shows up, another will appear as well. Plus, no one is absolutely perfect. No one.

2 other movies got to me, Wanted and Tropic Thunder. The latter is what I saw a couple days ago on Pay Per View. You take a group of spoiled actors, place them in the middle of an actual war without realizing it, and you create one hell of a great mess. You will not recognize Robert Downey Jr. in black-face for he is so in character. Wanted is just this big ass question about whether you are happy with your life. Hate it? Change it and find yourself in the process, especially if the 2nd best assassin looks like Angelina Jolie. Oh, how I loved it when she rose out of the recovery pool butt-naked! You know me. I love a woman's ass. Of course, there was that other scene that amused the fuck out of me, when Wesley smashed the keyboard into the face of the guy fucking his girlfriend. The keys broken off spell "Fuck You."

7). Walks with 5-Pound Phooey. Where would I be without my daily walks in the park with my little demon of mayhem? Hard to believe that this dog will stand her ground when it comes to telling everyone, be it big or small, that 5-Pound Phooey is boss. Everytime I take her to get my haircut, she has to chase the cats out of the bushes. People laugh when something so tiny goes straight up to their large dogs' faces to do some sort of doggy cussing. 5-Pound Phooey's not mean, just really, really bossy.

The funny thing is that, as of today, I am not high on 5-Pound Phooey's list. She does not like combings. This is something she needs so I am not backing down on getting rid of those tangles that make her look a bit like a dog that's spent some time starting fights in the streets over who pissed on her p-mail messages. Have comb? 5-Pound Phooey all gone.

8). Pregnancy tests. What is it with you girls and your periods!?! It's weird how stress can take them away. It's even weirder how if a bunch of girls live together all their periods will sync up. Can't you just will away crotch bleeding?

All I can say about pregnancy tests is that it's just not fun to sit on the bathroom floor while Sara pees on a stick. Sure, there are those that get sexual thrills watching women pee but not I. I know it doesn't just appear as a result of magic, unlike some guys. A bathroom's tiles just don't bring about the need for sex even if her panties are down.

There is one amusement I do confess to. I've always paid attention to how girls sit when peeing because these positions come in a variety. The cutest has to be knees together but feet wide apart while the weirdest has to be sitting straight up with knees and feet together. Kristan, my virginity taker, would always just have her legs and feet wide apart. Jen was the most hilarious because late nights meant zombie-like mornings. Her feet and knees were tightly together but her head was most often in her lap. Some of you piss so fucking loud!

Yes, it's scary when faced with wondering why a period has gone AWOL. I don't want kids and neither does Sara. We're the ones that sit in restaurants wishing all the noisy kids would just fucking disappear. You'd think that it's the bad parenting that's done it for us. No, we just don't like kids. Every once in a while, I do get curious as to what kind of child my sperm can create. It's strictly fantasy because I think more along the lines of superhuman geniuses with the strength of 10 men. The girls would all be ninjas.

Anyway, the results were that we aren't pregnant. There will be no shouting, "This is all your fault!" at my dick.

9). The drive to Chicago was quite scary. Ever driven to this city? Well, I found myself being forced to drive there on April 9th all because Sara wanted to meet one of her favorite authors, Christopher Rice. After filling up at a diner, I was so nervous about hitting that long interstate into a large city that's as confusing as being forced to choose between Jaws and Aliens with only 2.5 hours of viewing time. Do I go for the 'bigger boat' or 'grinnin' and droppin' that linen?'

I've a huge fear of driving in a big city. Sure, I've been to Chicago a few times, mostly in the downtown area where the Water Tower is. Only, this was where someone else was driving. Those long traffic jams and people driving insane through large tunnels! That was me! There were 7 lanes that led into a dark tunnel and all Sara and I had was a trusty sidekick G.P.S. to get us there. Ask Sara. I was fucking freaked out but got us there, 3 tollroads later.

Of course, the Barnes & Noble that Christopher Rice appeared at was enormous! This was my kind of place, located within a very wealthy area where Armani and Lacoste set up shop. I was in love! The bookstore itself had more books than I'm used to so I pretty much stuck with scanning through the photography section where I found an $80 book on the Perelli Calender made famous for its use of beautiful supermodels barely dressed or just naked. Told you I love ass.

Sara was extremely happy about meeting Christopher Rice, a man with a large gay following. I'm not saying that in the lightest sense because you are talking to a guy with no gaydar. Here I was faced with alarms all around me. There were so many gay guys that I just had to smile at their drooling over an author considered hot by their standards, skinny with a face that's quite peculiar. Me, I talked two guys in front of Sara and I into taking a picture of her with Christopher Rice. I've no problem with talking to gays. In fact, I had a blast discussing something that I cannot remember just now.

Whatever. The whole point is that April 9th was one very scary day but well-spent. I'm scared of Chicago but its more along the lines of respect. My family loves the movie, The Blues Brothers, because they know that place well. I'm just catching up.

10). There has got to be something not so honorable about a guy that is proud of his crotch smelling like raspberries or orange mango or amber. Yes, I changed things around when I discovered the glories in feminine bath products. I'm a total bath guy by heart thanks to the need to soak after running my body through the most serious of workouts. There isn't a problem with me going all girly by laying in a bath for hours with the latest tabloid as candles provide my only light.

If you don't remember the incident, this all started when Sara came to stay here for her birthday. When she saw what was used as bubbles, I was ordered to change things around immediately. I'm a guy so I tend to follow what I'm used to, dishwashing detergent. Seriously, I never knew why my skin itched so bad after a bath til Sara pointed things out.

The mall! We went to a few places where I smelled so many great smells. While many guys would look away in disgust, I fell in love with Bath & Bodyworks. Give me lime! Give me raspberries! Just why do I have to be obsessed with the greatest of smells, fruits? People either laugh or look at me with their jaws dropped when I admit to sniffing Strawberry Shortcake's panties. In my defense, I was young, in love with strawberries, and in need of a legal high.

Sara always laughs at how their is a new smell on my cock. One day it could be Japanese blossoms. The next? It's really more of a mystery because I have over 25 different scents in my bathroom. While Sara doesn't like the smell of amber, I have a tendency to be mess with her by having my balls seem like they were dipped in it.

11). Ah, the inevitable threesome question that came up in an Italian restaurant, the same one I was asked to think about moving to Indiana. Sara once wrote in her blog that she'd get a slight tickle over watching my cock go into another girl. In other words, she'd be the third person observer that gets to view all my movements instead of having to shout at the ceiling as I pound her pussy.

First of all, I am completely monogamous. Some might see it as an error, particularly the ones that continue to hit on me. Those Bath & Bodyworks girls seem to smile a bit more knowing my cock is gonna smell really, really good. It's just that there is a slight scientist in me that would like to do some exploring. I've been with Sara for almost 4 years so my penis has not been in another girl for a long time. Add that to the fact that I enjoy scents. Voila! I'd like to explore two pussies at the same time just to compare the feel, scents, and enjoyment of it all. Trust me. If I'm in you, I'm going to see just how good you feel in there.

Sara laughed when I had a girl in mind. Mind you, I'm quite picky and take Sara into account on all this. Most of my female friends are absolutely gorgeous (a newscenter's anchor and a Puerto Rican I talked to today will give you an idea) but aren't as crazy as me. One that would be absolutely into it is now married. That's a total no-no with me. I'd never take the chance on wrecking a marriage even if the issue seemed impossible. What I wanted was someone that could get along with Sara as well.

One person I had in mind seemed to constantly go through bad days. Like Sara, I had this weird energetic want to please her while Sara looked on. I hate seeing people worn the fuck out by society's stupidity and would just want her to lay back for major fucking. Let me do the work by slowly sliding in to help forget about a nasty boss. My inner scientist would like to have its way by pleasing both pussies back and forth by feeling how wet, the tightness, and where her most sensitive spot is. I know Sara's, deep thrusting always gets it done.

From the way I see a threesome, it's just fun. The body was made for sin. There is a deep love of pussy when it comes to me. Its that smell, the feel, and seeing my cock's skin completely covered in wetness that helps make a day much better. This has to be under consideration by both and, yes, I'd love to see Sara eat pussy. I'd be down there as well after I've pumped myself silly

But the best thing about a threesome and a major reason for who I choose is what to do afterwards. You talk! Gawd, why just get up and leave!?! You need someone you can talk about music and movies with. There is a silly side wanting to be let out all while knowing that this is not an everyday event. Sometimes a girl just needs her pussy tamed and the girlfriend realizes this. For now, this is just a fantasy that came about when Ron Jeremy was surprised with around 15 naked girls in a room. After licking 3 or 4, he had to get his dick out or he'd burst. Why do I use Ron as an example? He actually cared about pleasing each girl.

Alright, I will be leaving tomorrow for Indiana but know this is not done. I've to do a few more things that need to be added to all this. Where oh where do I go when it comes to the enjoyment of having the Playboy Channel? I've learned so much from their sex news segments, foreign and domestic fetishes. I even have to edit some things in this enormous entry so stay tuned for me when I get back. New Year's Eve always brings announcements from within large groups like ours.

So, I will be back to place more things as well as add to what I already have. Stay tuned as I have yet to get to the most exciting things of all.........sex! Playboy Channel! Sarah Palin! Porn! My obsession with peppermint ice cream!

Just Don't Gulp 'Em

2008-12-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

"It's cold days like this that my natural enemy bares her true self. When a boy like me has a girl that enjoys placing her icy hands down my pants to grab my balls just to hear me release a major amount of screams, it's just sheer will-power that I drive to Indiana so calm."

-Me

Found myself doing something I normally don't do, talking to a kid. It's true. Here I was in Barnes & Noble looking at the latest graphic novels only to get chatted up by a short chubby kid I'd still recognize with ease. A part of me wonders if the 2 Playboy issues in my hands caught his attention or just the sight of me scanning for anything new. The smart money is on his adolescent fantasies of hopefully one day seeing a woman naked without suffering from the burning itching sensation.

I saw a little bit of me in this kid. What I was curious about is what he thought of the new Wolverine: Origins trailer that made its debut on Youtube recently. Naturally, I was quite hyper about how I loved it. Some of my favorite characters will be making an appearance, characters that I know women will want to see. X-Men's Gambit has been getting the most buzz but, for me, it's Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, ever since Blade 3, has got to be perfect for playing a comic book character. There are a few people that I wish I owned their bodies and Ryan is one of them.

Hence why I'm doing my best with the running thing lately.

It's just odd for me to actually talk to a kid. I hate them. It could be that I just see them as part of the ills in society these days. People are just dumber. Hardly anyone wants to learn. Go ahead, look at your cellphone instead of learning to add, subtract, or multiply. Care not for the feelings of others as you find yourself more in love with the amount of friends on your Myspace page.

Right now, I am reading 'The Harlequin,' an occult series book where Anita Blake is a vampire hunter out to help calm this world where zombies do happen. I can see why it's found a sect of readers, namely women and gay males. I only got into it by accident when I was looking for something that could take me away from my usual appetite in books, women with guns. In this case, Anita caries a gun but she also chops off some heads so it seems like a fetish for me.

What I found so amusing is that the character, Anita, has to live off of sex. Somewhere along the time I lost track of reading, she got herself into a mess where in order to live with all the animals within her (shape-shifting) she has to create the energy to substain all of them. In this case, it is sex. I dunno. It felt funny reading a page devoted to what it is like to be on your knees in a bathtub licking the water dripping from a guy's balls.

It must be fun to be forced to have sex with so many types of occult characters. Various shape-shifters have to take turns keeping our hero alive. Penises are presented. The girlfriends or wives of the males that must do this prefer it not be oral sex. Could you girls live with that? The fate of a large city depends on whether or not a woman has a magical orgasm with your dude. I know some girls that would be very, very upset if Anita swallowed so it just might be fact.

Of course, I have been hard at work using my mind to come up with my annual entry on the Year In Review. Good or bad? Piss me off? Who knows. I'm not quite done with these large paragraphs sitting around my head. I do know what some of the things are that got many mentions in this blog. This just might be the year I don't get as angry as I normally sound.

So, if your day has been rougher than you wished because you passed out in a very embarassing way, be glad the year is almost over. While you may need to be picked up off the potty, I had to chase my dogs down outside. Cold hard old turds make for great fudge-sicles, apparently. Happy twats all around.

Someon's Got Christma Spirit!

2008-12-14T20:20:00.000-08:00

"I would like to thank Bath & Bodyworks for helping my dick to smell like an orange mango combination."

-Me

Well, I must say that nothing quite beats seeing our president receive the ultimate Iraqi insult, shoes thrown at him. What irritates me is how so many American people kiss his ass after 8 years of ruining America. It takes a foreigner to put things in the right perspective. Millions of shoes should have been thrown at Bush.

My mum went caroling today. That is all I will tell you even if the nursing home residents said her group did a good job.

Once again, I find myself in questions relating to Christmas gifts. What do I get Sara? I'm going the boring route because it's obvious that the economy has been hard on her. This means DVDs and a gag gift (sorta) all about someone I cannot stand. I'm in complete annoyance that she loves Tila Tequila, the Myspace whore. For one thing, she's incredibly vapid and in no way gorgeous. Angelina Jolie I can understand America's obsession with. Tila? No. She looks like something from another planet threw up on ours.

I'd rather be on a deserted island with MTV's Jesse Camp than Tila Tequila.

I've already got everything I've ever wanted. Shoes? More Air Jordan sneakers than I care to admit. Socks? A whole year's worth. According to Sara, I'm a girl inside. I take baths with smelly things from Bath & Bodyworks where my even my dog quesions my sexuality by sniffing me at a point that I smelled like black raspberries.

It's been a long weekend all due to the obscene traffic brought on by the Holidays. The mall is no longer possible after 10am. Best Buy is a place you have to fight for a parking spot. Borders? Oh, man! In all my time, I've never had to circle the lot for a spot. Let's just say that I wish fat nerds would move a little faster.

One thing I noticed at our Borders is that every one of The Dark Knight DVDs and Blu-Rays was sold. Every. Fucking. One. I've never seen a complete collection of movie sold before. All the Wall-E's, Narnias, Wanteds, and Sopranos were there. While it is nice to see such great taste in which a movie that questions what a hero is gets sold so well, it's gonna feel weird when pretty much every household will have a copy. Kind of reminds me of how I was so tired of Nintendo's Duck Hunt game because everyone had a copy. Fun but gets boring eventually.

Again, The Dark Knight is absolutely incredible to view. In fact, I would like to watch it again so I might buy Sara a copy for her DVD player since she has yet to upgrade to a Blu-Ray. 2 times in the movie theater is not enough to see Heath Ledger's Joker.

I now find it weird to continually smell raspberries.

We are due for a snowstorm this week! It's been a while where I had to dig us all out. No one is in such great shape when it comes to dealing with Mother Nature. But I, yes, I am. There is something romantic about the complete quiet outside in the dark of night as no one else has to balls to dig with a shovel. I'm sure my family finds me retarded every now and then.

What keeps me going is knowing that Sara's mom is pretty damn cool when it comes to Christmas. Unlike my mum, she goes all out with a Christmas tree, quiche, and presents. This house has not seen such things in years because it gets boring when it comes to cash. Real men eat quiche. Real men also enjoy hanging up shiny balls around a fake tree instead of hearing how it's too much work to do.

So, a day is finally over. Renewed my gym membership and ran my little tired heart out on the treadmill of doom. Loved every minute when I had the feeling the cute college girl behind me got to see my tiny little toned ass move to the groove. Gawd, I so need a fine sexual release underneath a large comfy bed at this time of year. Lugging balls this big and full of 'poison' is not the way to go. Happy twats all around.

I'm Confused

2008-12-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

"You lead a pretty good life."

-Sara

Interesting choice of words to tell me when I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor as Sara pees for our third pregnancy test. Or should I just say that stress can really effect a woman's period rather than to wonder if I've created a bastard? What if I told you that I'm so happy that I'm too stupid to realize it?

A lot of questions. I'm always in some kind of predicament where I preach to a bunch of unknowns over the 'Net that I don't like myself or I fee like I'm telling how great I am. It's all politics as usual.

In case you were stuck in a cave or tied up to the bed due to another one of your sickest sexual fantasies, Illinois is under quite a microscope. Our governor, Rod, was taken away by the Feds this morning. It's all over the goddamn news, local and national. Us Illinoisans laugh because it's not really much of a surprise. Hundreds of probes and wiretaps, yet this dumb as shit governor talked like a cornered canary about how he deserves a job worth hundreds of thousands while Illinois is having a hard time paying its bills. It pains me to say this but I actually voted for the guy because the only other option was a Republican that looked more evil. My only mistake in the polls so far...........

Yes, I leave room for the unknown.

Getting back from Sara's is even harder on me. Drive almost an hour and a half, kill myself during the job, and get told I'm too slow while others stand around and talk. Am I the only one that feels as if managers are too dumb to go after people that are the real culprits behind slowdowns in such a field? Weird. No boo-hooing but to wonder why my ability to continuously lift major amounts of weight for hours doesn't give me a little rest. A manager, namely ours, gets to walk around and order. Very little physical labor. Yeah, a fully-rested individual can just jump into something to show how easy it is to lift 10-20 pounds. Try doing it after 2 hours, asshole. See if I show up for extra work on the Holiday's weekends.

Gawd forgives. I don't.

Got my piano-playing hands on The Dark Knight. Sara will tell you I got excited each and every time this movie's trailer was shown. I'm a Batman fanatic, baby! When you add an amazing Heath Ledger for The Joker, it's all orgasms and chuckles.

This will be my third viewing of The Dark Knight. Two times in the theater and now on my high definition TV after receiving it at midnight. You should have seen me. I was a complete mess inside, even if dressed very impressively in a Ralph Lauren topcoat. Tired and exhausted while I wanted to look good for such a splendid occasion. I just couldn't help but look at the people entering the line behind me. Nerds are single for a reason. I will leave it at that.

So, I see my Year In Review will be coming up. Hooray. Did anyone here piss me off? Did you tell me I'm an idiot for loving Obama? How many times did you say that I stopped making sense? How about your own blog? Did you talk politics but didn't vote during such a crucial year? Oh, how I love to get into things that make me turn your blog off when the cowardly lot decide that the right to vote means nothing to them. I'm always surprised to find that people still like me after 5 years because, like Sara, I can be a bit blunt.

I'm going to mosey on up and finish The Dark Knight. Hope you will, too, because it's a beautifully done movie that will not allow you to look away upon first viewing. Leave me be to hate how women's periods constantly confuse me when it comes to their inner issues. Sometimes science forces you to spend money that isn't needed. Happy twats all around.

Why So Serious?

2008-12-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

"There's a first time for everything, right?"

-Me

Found myself with a funny feeling in me tummy this morning. More like a sense of anger over unnecessary things is what I'd say. My priorities seem to be mixed the fuck up but......welcome to my trivial brain where you'll stay for a while only because I won't allow you to go.

My car was broken into last night. This will be a first for me after hearing so many stories from other people about their experiences with this. Sara's at around a 3 incidents report so she'll get where I am coming from on this. While coming across the front door slightly open this morning, my only thought was on why my change drawer under the dash was open. Oops! All my nickels were gone! About $1.50 in nickels and pennies were gone! A lost gallon of gas!

This is where my priorities run weird. I went to the gym right after finding out that my car was broken into. Halfway in my workout, I get a call to the gym itself that I must come home to speak to the police officer. Poop. My dad's truck was broken into so there was more to all this as I got annoyed about my lack of closing off my workout's provided serenity. Would you believe I almost stayed instead, just to get that final pump provided by the treadmill?

Yeah, still on some weird high over rediscovering the treadmill. After reading me for 5 or so years, you'd know I go through stages where I love something only to toss it away soon after. I'm finding that cardio high again, something that makes my legs feel so good. Who knew a 30-minute walk could do that?

And why not? You'd understand when you see the weather's lovely snow. Only a few inches but to a dog that is barely 10 is quite a lot. Without the walks at night, I might as well enjoy the calmness provided by a machine that doesn't have me stop every 5-minutes to check p-mail messages.

That's really the issues. My car's being broken into doesn't bother me.....much. There was no damage to the window or door thanks to my accidentally leaving it unlocked (of all the times....) for a rare moment. I've never left valuables behind. No GPS. No cash. Just some change and my brain when it comes to priorities. Talk to me after my workout. Before? I'm a totally different story.

Oh, and Sara's? Good times even if she worked all weekend. Watched the movie, Blade Runner all by my lonesome and found it a good sci-fi flick ahead of its time. Would you believe that there are something like 5 different versions of that movie? The one I watched was the 'Final Cut' so I cannot tell you how that differs from the original version seen long ago.

Plus, I had to get Wanted. Angelina Jolie? Guns? Hello me! It was so nice to see her ass again as she walked away from receiving a replenishing bath. You'll see what I mean. Boobs are nice but ass is so much my forte'.

So, Have a good one as you will not be as self-absorbed as I. Crack addicts need that high. Automaker CEOs need that salary to brag about. Ah's only need a gym for my piece of mind. Happy twats all around.

Not A Pony

2008-11-27T20:26:00.000-08:00

"My dog's snorts are similar to a cat's purrs."

-Me

So, how did it all go? In other words, did you have a happy Thanksgiving or were you one of those people that are constantly being interviewed for news programs telling us that we should feel bad when the camera pans down the local food bank's waiting lines? Gawd, I hate that. It's especially bad when my only item that could be called part of a wish-list happens to be a Ralph Lauren topcoat that costs $475.

Well, I woke up around 9am and hit the gym just to walk on the treadmill to kill time. It wasn't my usual seriousness moment where I hit my body hard. Just chill. Some people might find it weird that I enjoy some sense of serenity while walking nowhere for 20 minutes straight but not I. Hell, I have no real reason to because there are 2 strikes against me:

1). I'm white so I have no ass

2). I'm already with so little bodyfat that I melt everything right off

Today, I got kind of lost on that treadmill centered between 5 hanging TVs. It's kind of hard not to since one contained a soap, the next one had ESPN, the middle had USA Network, then CNN, and the one all the way to the right had FOX News. Football, horny housewives, a cranky doctor named House, terrorists taking over a hotel, and made up news made 20 minutes go by super fast. 150 calories burned and a bout of ADD to realize.

Some of the people I haven't seen in so long came to the gym. Remember, I'm working my little white-nothing-ass in the mornings now. Richard, my globe smuggling belly friend, stunned me by telling me he got married. Barely 3 months of dating and it guarantees a guy had the right to introduce you to his wife by slapping her on the ass and feeling her tits.

My friends are weird. Even those that are 50 look funny when pretending to doggstyle the air to tell me what they are doing on the weekends.

Of course, that means I have to continue walking even when I get home because a certain little dog threatens me with furry violence of the paw kind. 5-Pound Phooey has pee-mail to check as I walk around the small lake near the house. It's no wonder I have no ass. There is no time to grow it.

However, I do enjoy a good smacking and then a gentle rub.

I always hate walking by other people's houses during the Holidays. Seeing so many cars in driveways makes me jealous due to having a small family. Yesterday, I saw my deaf co-worker invite another co-worker over to his house since there is no family for him to visit. See? It's not all about me learning dirty words in sign language along with 'fart' and 'horny.' Sure, using those types of words makes the work go by much faster but I still have a nice sweet side to me. Just wish my family were bigger, less spread out, and that my mom didn't have that miscarriage so I'd have a sister to torment.

Ah, yes, speaking of torment, I will be going to Indiana this weekend. Thanks to the loveliness of having the Playboy Channel, I get to tell Sara all about the hour-long segment on sex practices of the world. She just loves learning about nasty fetish things that make other girls cringe. While there is delight to find an island where beautiful women can find their bodies completely painted and a bus that lets people with computers watch girls do naughty things and even use the bathroom, Amsterdam is extra naughty. Think of a giant rave where people dress in fetish gear or whatever is an obvious clothing meant to tittilate. Bare tits and penises waving all around as you dance! A dungeon for those that enjoy pain? Beware for if the infamous dominatrix on duty is on the rag, she will put a tampon in your ass while you are tied down. Ladies will want to bring their boyfriends just so they can splatter the well-known Sperm Wall with their semen. Blowjobs happen anywhere at anytime. We've got a bathroom where men can have girls hold/aim their penises while they pee in the correct place and women can bend over and have men wipe their pussies. Too much for you? You're probably an American because you are boring and dream of ponies.

So, hang on to your tampon strings, ladies. The Holidays aint done just yet as we now have to deal with nasty traffic and unwanted relatives. I'll be on a treadmill tomorrow while getting my CNN fix, then work, and possibly Indiana at night or the next morning. Sara's mom wanted me there for Thanksgiving but this family is small enough as it is. Happy twats all around.

Gerri Gurl This, Mutha!

2008-11-24T20:32:00.001-08:00

"Bent over sucking your boyfriend off is all good and fun. Lo and behold! What is this cold wet nose doing pressed against your asshole!?! The dog just wants to know if this is a friendly event and when that grilled cheese sandwich is due to be dropped off."

-Me

Well, I found porn mishaps to be especially funny at this time of year. Hopefully, you, too, can find joy of the canine variety when trying to find a parking spot has become a major bitch and a half.

What I love about this time of year is how even the most religious nut cannot see how insane she sounds when interviewed on TV about how she is going to spend less at this time of year due to the sluggish economy. Hark, I thought we were forced to celebrate Jeezus's birthday. Is it really more about getting things? Why do we feel forced to spend $500 on people after an evening at church?

The sad part of all this is how the local food pantries are having a hard time keeping up with the lines of people in need. Breaks yo' heart to turn away those that don't quite smell as good but try to stay away from the hard liquor before insisting they are a military veteran. It always weirds me out when the black churches allow their main pastors to be interviewed in the nicest suits. You'd think that they'd forget buying one just to be able to stock a few more jars of peanut butter but no............

Okay, so I'm a little irritable about the Holidays. It seems like I can never really get to enjoy them as I did when I was a kid. No worries back then. Just get out that ginger bread house and connect with frosting instead of wondering about how you're gonna get through another day of craziness at work. You just cannot avoid the number of things that come in and need to get out before Christmas. Carpets and tires are what make me want to shout at the ceiling when I know it's gonna be a long day at work because the little Mexican co-worker has decided to brag about his latest hickeys.

FYI: I have never known how people can date/fuck/sleep with different people each weekend. I've always been in relationships rather than a new wet pussy to explore. Hickeys are fun, though. I can give as good as I get. Just watch Sara hide them from her mom.

Our minor problem of leaves being brought into the house has been solved. With 3 little dogs that constantly walk in with leaves stuck to their hair, you'd think we have trees in here. It doesn't matter where those little shits go, the barest of places it can be, because there is another leaf stuck somewhere within all that hair. Thanks to the shop vac, leaves are all gone from the back yard's wooden deck.

I've got lots to talk about but have become too busy with other things on my mind this week. The remakes of The Karate Kid and The Last Dragon have me furious that they are going to ruin classics I grew up on that need no changes. Just how the hell do you do Sho'Nuff!?! It's impossible to imitate one of the greatest black heroes of all time. Malcom X being played by Denzel Washington is easy. Mean black guy in 3 portions of afro aint. Happy twats all around.

No History Here

2008-11-19T20:59:00.000-08:00

"What I hate about shopping is the various people that follow me with their cars as I hope to find mine in the parking lot. It's annoying. Who knows. I might still be high on acid after Obama's win so there is an excuse for me to just do what a store doesn't want, loiter. Stop following me!"

-Me

Don't you hate it when zits pop up in weird places? For me, the past two days has been all about this very painful large one underneath the skin above my lip. Keep in mind, it's mighty pink so it has a tendency to look like I took a shot there by one of those people that became annoyed after following me around the parking lot.

And the weird thing about zits is that girlfriend make it their jobs to pop them. I know for a fucking fact that Sara would be ordering me to lay down as she attempts various methods of squeezing that white gunk that shoots out. Oh, look! My skin tends to mimic a porno's 'money shots!' The places women enjoy using these methods most is the back. Man lays down while woman squeals with glee as fingernails crush into skin. That's what you get for working in a hot environment year-round.

Everyone is more scared of the unknown than anything else. I think Jaws is one of the best examples out there because that movie accidentally brought this out. For over an hour, we viewers were tortured relentlessly by this unseen shape killing swimmers. It wasn't til Brody was bitching about throwing chum over the side of the boat til we first get a good look at the shark. Steven Spielberg talked about the blind luck of this mechanical shark (3 of them in all) breaking down constantly so they had to hope that things got better for the ending. How lucky in genius was that!?!

Tonight, I got to see this flick that everyone was raving about when it comes to unknown horror, The Strangers. Totally, totally creepy tale of a couple coming back to a sorta secluded house in hopes to rest only to be assaulted by 3 strangers wearing masks. As suddenly as they appear, suddenly they disappear. How many get tense when the camera lingers on someone while the killer silently walks around in the background?

Psychological terror is effective as fuck. While I could have bought The Strangers a while back on Blu-Ray, I waited only because it felt like one of those things you see once because it's only effective then. I was kind of right. What makes it good is not knowing any fucking thing about these intruders. While I'm sure things will be ruined in the future sequel being planned, I'm going to just sit right back and avoid it like the plague. 3 people come to the house, terrorize, leave, and we hope someone survived all that. I mean, why do we have to know everything about the killer(s)? Considering how stupid Hollywood is, it's best for them to stop copying greatness (only to ruin it with the usual abused-as-a-child excuse) and come up with something different.

Good example? Saw. That worked. Then, the bad examples happened......Saw 2....Saw 3....Saw 4 and Saw 5.

Why can't anyone make a very well-thought out version of Stephen King's 'IT?' That is one of my favorite books.......EVER!

Come to think of it, one thing to scare me majorly is to bring back Sarah Palin. Some things just have to go and a woman that holds the IQ of a used car salesman is just that.

So, yes, I am still in a good mood after Obama's win. Wish I could have been in Grant Park in Chicago. It's a 2.5 hour drive that would have been a part of history, watching Oprah force herself into a porta-potty is breathtaking and not soon forgotten. I just hope the auto industry gets a good hard slap on the wrist for its stupidity. While we have been wanting cars that run on more miles per gallon, it's still a rarity. Why don't we have the oil companies bail them out? Happy twats all around.

Dirty, Dirty Vampires

2008-11-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

"Thou shall not crave thy neighbor."

-True Blood

How about that? While there is much for him to do, I feel much safer knowing that Obama is now the president-elect. Not only does he look presidential but it's best in how one of my favorite comedians put it:

"It's like the adults are now in charge."

You can feel the brain power when Obama holds a meeting for all of us to hear. With him, it's a noun, verb, and an adjective. Bush was totally another story for he could neither read nor write.

Because I'm just not one for the sit-on-my-butt lifestyle that the average American leads, it feels bad to tell you about this weekend. I did nothing. Well, that's not completely true because, yes, I did go to the gym this morning. It's just that from 2pm to the early evening it has been nothing but pay-cable TV, Saturday and Sunday. It was bad, folks, really, really bad.

I'm addicted to HBO's True Blood show. Ever heard of the acclaimed Six Feet Under? The director of that HBO show does this one where vampires and other possible creatures of the night prowl. While the tried and true story of a girl meets vampire has been done to death, this one is a little more unique in that it's a murder mystery that hasn't thrown up the obvious. I like that because it keeps me wanting more. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when it comes to how the premise of drinking vampires' blood makes an ordinary person better than better. How many wish they could hear the trees talk?

We all know that any discussion that contains vampires means sex, right? Oh, lordy! We've got more boobies and male bare butts that a girl can handle. It's been a while since I've seen an actual TV show that starts to give my penis a tingle like this, especially when I've now seen the most perfect pair of breasts ever made. I knew message boards and Internet sites would worship this girl's most succulent pair, also known as belonging to 'that chick from Cloverfield.' I'm not even that much into breasts but these are a fine pair because not only were they revealed but also some of the sexiest pair of panties to cover her flower.

Trust me, girls. If you are going to bed a guy, panties are important. Clean, preferably clean, tiny, and cute are the best way to go. There is nothing more horrifying than to take a pair off with your teeth only to see 'skid marks' tormenting that poor cotton. Everyone gets them but try not to make them obvious. Just do a striptease away from the fella if things are iffy down there.

It feels weird to suddenly go back into the sedentary lifestyle. Sundays are the hardest because there is the new episode of True Blood at 8pm and then Showtime's Californication at 9pm. These are two shows not for the prudish. Funny to know that my girlfriend is totally into the raunchiest of language and views. The sight of that actor's penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall didn't bother her like it did others and I can talk as dirty as I wanna be in her presence. It's all assholes and the smell of pussy when it comes to us playing non-politically correct games like Ghettopoly.

Yes, I will admit that I was shocked when Sara started talking about the smell of pussy while we were playing that game late at night. I had to correct her in saying that it's not completely 'like a lobster tank' but sorta.

So, I've been gone awhile. My vacation time was spent in the gym while Sara was out helping Obama's campaign. Yeah, weird, huh? I'm supposed to be relaxing but instead I'm on a treadmill for 20-minutes watching MSNBC. Well, it's relaxing to me, especially when the night ended with us cheering on Obama's obvious win. Do you think that the whole world sighed with relief that the good guys won this time? The sad part is all the racist shit that's come up on websites and how angry some white folks can get over having a black president.

I never saw Obama as black or white. It's the truth. This is what I wish black teens would take note. Obama has his pants up. Not down. Up. There is very little slang terms used. His wife is not a 'ho' nor is she a 'skeet.' Yeah, I know a large portion of white teens can be pretty bad, especially the chicks that think their lives should be like The Hills, but I like how proud Obama makes me feel. Did you notice how there were so many different types of Americans in the audience at Grant Park? With Republicans, it was all angry clueless greedy white people. Grant Park had white, black, hispanic, young, and old.

I do feel sorry for Obama in one way. For 8 years, we've been under the rule of idiotic children bent on the love of corruption by taking away our rights. On January 20th, we get them back.

So, think what you will about what I've just said. Life is great when you have the freedom to enjoy the sight of breasts, ass, penises, and snatch that just so happens to come with a good story that keeps your butt glued to the seat. Help is on the way. Happy twats all around.

Sneaky Evil

2008-10-30T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Just noticed the kitchen chairs propped up against the sink's cabinet doors. Just how strong are mice these days, Ma?"

-Me

We've got mice. I guess age makes you paranoid even when it comes to the smallest of critters. Or 'vermin' according to my mother. Just what makes her feel the need to take away the things we sit (or fart) on and prop them strongly against a cabinet's doors? The mice might free themselves to wreck havoc upon us! My DVD collection will be nibbled on and we can no longer find ourselves able to make phone calls. My cereal! Oh, my poor Raisin Bran eaten by the fattest of the lot!

I guess seeing Rattatouille changes things when it comes to the 4-legged sneaky little shits. Looooooved that movie. Period. Yes, I know it was about rats. Still, it makes me wonder if mice could think like that.

It's nearly Halloween so I must admit that I feel odd that I can no longer do my annual list of horror films that get to me. It's been done to hell. Not much has changed thanks to horror movies taking a turn for the silly instead of scary. Tempting to take a look at this flick called The Strangers that has gotten a lot of attention lately. A couple is terrorized by 3 masked assailants that just suddenly show up at their temporary house after a disastrous asking for marriage by the fiancee. She turns him down and here we go. Weird girl shows up asking for someone and away we go!

No, I have not seen it, just read a lot of good reviews.

I think a part of my fantasies has to do with having sex with someone that enjoys The Lost Boys. Sara does not like horror movies. I just cannot get her to see the logic of how great it is to feel scared. Give me the werewolf chase through the tube on An American Werewolf In London. Just how do British soldiers get out of a farmhouse surrounded by werewolves in Dog Soldiers? Can a team of girls that enjoy dangerous extreme sports get out of a cave filled with creatures hunting them in the dark when it comes to The Descent? While Pinhead of Hellraiser became such a boring toy in the sequels, the first two really did a number for people that enjoy rough sex. Hellraiser 1 and 2 are so gruesomely clever! Does the moment a girl gets her period really mean that all hell breaks loose where it also could be a way to describe slowly turning into a werewolf in Ginger Snaps? I guess you can say that besides my interest in the warmth provided by women's cunts, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of a scary good time.

My parents never allowed me to see horror films for so long. Lucky for me, USA Network played them in the middle of the afternoon, hosted by Captain USA, a moron chomping on a cigar. Two that come to mind are My Bloody Valentine (scared the shit out of me) and Friday the 13th Part 3. Good times! Sometimes, my little brother would sit in the living room with a walkie talkie warning me when my parents were making their way to my room. I'm crafty like that.

But enough of all that. I'm just pleased as punch that one of my favorite cartoons is coming out on DVD for the first time. Let's see........after GIJOE, Transformers, Duck Tales, and He-Man what could get to me in the same way these have?

The Real Ghostbusters is coming out on November 15th! Whoa! When I was a kid, this show had me glued to the TV. There was the eerie music combined with fun stories that were quite creative. Anyone remember the endless baseball game where the evil ghosts played our heroes? There are so many memories! I have to have this amazing set of 70something episodes so I can relive those times. I'll have every cartoon that got to me. Well, other than the Smurfs. Loved them but I'm more into creativity mixed with some smart violence. The possibility of 'smurf stu' didn't horrify me as much since Gargamel was too easily manipulated by unforseen events. Lovely theme song, though.

La-La-La-La.....

So, I'll tell all. I'm on vacation starting today. The timing is beautiful because I get to celebrate Halloween and see Obama kick McCain's ass on Tuesday while being in Indiana. Voted early, yo. There's a big party on Saturday where many take Halloween seriously. What am I?

I'm going to be Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid. Yes, that's the bad guy that got kicked in the face by the 'crane technique' after tormenting weak and pathetic Daniel in high school. Sara wouldn't allow me to change my hair blonde, seeing as that was the plan for yesterday. Boo. I've always wanted a Cobra Kai karate gi so that calms things down. Some martial arts experts that I work out with helped me by showing me how to tie a black belt. Just watch the big match on Youtube or something to see my Halloween costume. It shows my giant arms as no one will attempt a 'crane technique' on my ass.

I've pretty much always love the bad guys so it's no surprise that I picked Johnny Lawrence. Rob Zombie, while watching the making of his Halloween reprise, said it best in describing how great flawed people are. Totally good is just boring. There's no story. With Johnny Lawrence, there's a question of why he tormented poor Daniel in The Karate Kid. Yeah, it's great the good guy won but sometimes......sometimes the bad guy wins.

So, I will be gone for a bit on vacation in Indiana. Lovely entry, no? Hope you know what scares you or lived on some of the greatest cartoons like I did. I'm a kid at heart. Lovely demeanor and complicated as fuck when it comes to my head. Just give me a Bud Light Lime and I'll be yours for a few hours. Here's to hoping all of you get your pussies soothed this weekend. Happy twats all around.

Might Be Back!

2008-10-27T20:31:00.001-07:00

"I love you, too."

-Sara

Been going all over the place I'd like to call my 'mind.' For the past 3 or maybe close to the full month, I've been either down or just plain out of it. There has been little time to recover any kind of energy in order to actually type things out.

Plus, I've been pretty busy this month. Of course, I'm still going to Indiana every other week. In fact, this weekend is a big Halloween party that's been planned for some time. While I had sporadic daydreams where I found a secret ghost-filled haunted house where I could dress up as any famous/dead/living/character that just so happened to find me reenacting Prince's 'Batdance,' I'm sure things will be fun enough for me. My guess is that my thoughts of everyone walking into a large mansion where the Backstreet Boys do 'Everybody, Backstreet's Back' is not for everyone.

What Sara did do for me this weekend was show me something I've never seen before but have heard plenty about, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Holy shit! Dare I say that this old flick was ahead of its time? It's certainly not for the conservatives that will have a hard time with a guy dressed in panties, high heels, and.....well, you've just got to see Dr. Frank N Furter for yourself. Good help is hard to find when all it wants to do is dance 'The Time Warp' and forgets that no one needs 7 pieces of silverware for dinner (Go ahead and count them). It's no wonder this movie was made so famous with late night showings where people would dance and talk back to the movie. Just say 'Asshole!' when the guy introduces himself. 'Slut!' goes for his wife that suddenly finds she likes guys with muscles.

So, I must endeth here for now. It's pretty frickin' obvious that I just got back from Indiana and have a major need to catch up on all the sleep missed. That girl doesn't believe in sleeping. All sex should last for almost an hour. The cat loves me and watches over me in my sleep. I'm allergic to it so hence the sneezing caused by the little white creature with green eyes. Happy twats all around.

Should I?

2008-10-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

After almost 3 weeks of not doing an entry, I wonder why I should even come back. I'm just too depressed to find a reason why I should write again. Weird.

First She Lets Me Peel 'Em

2008-10-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

"The trick is to constantly lie to yourself that it's going to get better."

-Me

Saw a car accident on my way home from work. I'll admit that my first thought while being flagged into a different lane by the police wasn't sorrow. It was more along the lines of, "What jackass cannot figure out how to use his/her turn signal? Ever heard of using the brake? Did you put the cell phone away?" It's annoying to think these things but let's be truthful. When have you ever seen a driver actually doing what he/she is supposed to do, drive?

Fact: It was a blue mini van hit on the driver's side, most likely by someone not looking while on the phone.

I don't always talk about work. Unlike a lot of you, I am able to put away that moment in time and bask in the glories of watching various political shows. Porn is there when my body is in pain due to lifting very heavy objects, namely when my left wrist is killing me. It's that fucking bad, so bad that I cannot lift my small dogs with it.

But work is work. I find myself waking up in the morning not wanting to go all because of the abuse my body takes. Sure, I could go out and find myself a new job, something I think about here and there, but I think what keeps me where I am is the fact that being busy passes the time fast. I mean, it just fucking goes! Today, I was all over the workplace doing different things. A few of these were new to me so I went through a small amount of trial and error. It took me 2 times to realize that the label reader faces out of the belt. Pat on the back. No time. I'm now at a new dock.

Some people amaze me, though. There is a dirty little Mexican (aren't they all?) that does very well at lifting things that weigh almost as much as him. He and I worked together while I was happy that my lack of wrist strength was kept secret by just moving things along. If I had to do the little Mexican's job.........ugh. I'll be dead and laughed at. Here's why.

I'm big, yo. At almost 200 pounds and very little bodyfat, I get a lot of shit about it. People will playfully mimic punching my stomach or, if you're the lesbian girl, play with my chest muscles. It's cute here and there, discussing my workouts or giving tips that I've learned over the years. When martial arts fights come up in discussion, people look at me and debate how I would do. Remember? According to some people, I am a ninja. You don't hear much about American white boys being ninjas but apparently they exist.

Little do people know that I'm a mess inside. My left wrist feels like it'll come off. This ol' upper back is exhausted. Since I sleep face down, my shoulders are always stretched for some reason to the point that it feels like they got a workout. There's more but I'll make you think I am whining. My workouts in the gym do not cause any of this pain. It's my job where each day is a bit different. Sometimes I lift things that'll make your jaw drop.

The funny thing is that I come home and almost always come close to falling asleep by 8pm. Is that what it's all about?

I've got a few people that want to see my Halloween costume. Makes me kind of nervous because there are a few adjustments yet to be made. Two guys in my gym are going to help me with one of these and, no, I cannot give too much away. Sara might come out of nowhere to read this so I want the secret to continue. Her questions:

Batman? Nope.

Joker? Nope.

Storm Shadow? No-no but good thinking.

For all she knows, I could be fucking She-Ra or Strawberry Shortcake. Gawd, I remember the good old days of sniffing Miss Strawberry Shortcake's panties when the girls left them in the living room of the babysitter's house. Do you know how hard it would be for me to contain myself if pussy smelled as good as that!?! Strawberries are a weakness of mine.

Well, you should know that I am leaving for Indiana tomorrow, right after getting my ass in the gym and running errands. Leaving my town on a high after a shower and a workout is incredible. Down that interstate I go! Tummy is usually full of scrambled eggs. I'm hoping you, dear reader, are as good as I am at avoiding places like McDonald's. Nobody appreciates a fat flabby ass caused by gluttony. Oh, and I'd like to wish you all a great weekend at getting your pussies tingled. It's Fall, cool for you to get completely laid in a light wind. Never leave Strawberry Shortcake alone with me. Happy twats all around.

What I Value

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

It's been said over and over again that the American Dream is dying. You know it, to own a home and have kids jump over that white picket fence. Well, what if your dream is different? I've never thought of kids. In fact, I fucking hate the little pricks! For me, it's all about going to work at 8AM or 9AM and coming home to a nice clean apartment around early evening. Then, it's on to a quiet dinner with the girlfriend which is then followed by us hitting the gym. It's in the gym that we debate the latest news on CNN as we lightly jog on the treadmills. After a shower together, I might find myself reading or lightly flicking around with the channels. Hell, I might even find myself outside tinkering away on a hobby or two. I'm not one to sit around doing nothing but there is an occasion where I might drink a beer while enjoying a nice flick that involves a superhero or two. All I know is that the American Dream is basically, to me, the ability to find myself settled and feeling secure in some form of a home. We've got Clinton to thank for the housing problems since he thought everyone that worked at McDonald's deserved the chance to own a $300,000 home. Bush has put us in so much debt that I'm surprised he can count past '10.' My own girlfriend does not seem to know how to clean up after herself no matter how many times she insists this is possible. I just value neatness, neatness that isn't completely perfect. My allergies and sensitive nose make life difficult. Obama looks neat. My mom says I'm a good chooser of people with qualities. I choose Obama.

Not Gonna Put Out

2008-10-07T21:35:00.001-07:00

"Oh, lordy, here comes Wednesday! That's when the strands of muscle on my left hand begin to feel as if they're about to come off. Bring on Wednesday!"

-Me

Yeah, it's almost like clockwork these days. As the week wears on, my body takes a toll. The closer it gets to Friday, the worse things will be. So far, nothing new has suffered. Still got my feet. Still got my thumbs. If a long box flips up and hits my balls, I'm done for.

Been watching HBO's True Blood show tonight. Took a little peek after the debate because nothing beats wishing being a vampire down in New Orleans where a sexy Anna Paquin tends bar. As much as it would be nice to do, the main vampire didn't use his powers to seduce her as you would think. Sure would be nice to not suffer the aches and pains of work. Sure would be nice to have amazing strength without having to pay for it in sweat with weights. But dammit, there's a mysery to solve down in New Orleans as someone's killing locals. The Lost Boys didn't make it out of California, did they?

The debate didn't do anything new for me. Still lovin' Obama with all my cold, cold heart's desire. It's McCain that has shown nothing of the sort when it comes to solving problems except to make more. 26 years in the government and he suddenly makes a false turn to solve our country's problems? While Obama brings up the desire to stop using our money for overseas fuel importing, that's gonna take some time. Why is it I hear about various local people being able to build engines that run on nothing yet nary a whisper about it nationally? Loved Rolling Stone's biography on McCain that did nothing to surprise me yet makes sense. A man that gets upset over an enemy's surrender all because he wanted to gun some more down is not one to lead.

It's weird how everyone is complaining about money woes all while my wages go up every 3 months. No one wants to do what I do. Our company goes through more employee turnover than I know what to do with. Say hello to someone once only to find they just quit. The deaf guy, a few veterans, and one Mexican are all I've known for the past 3 months. Our number of co-workers have gone up while that's just a temporary thing. In a few months, everyone's just too tired to come in. Give us your fatties and we'll make 'em skinny.

So, with all that in mind, I'm gonna get on up outta here, y'all. Want to go to bed now. But before I go, I tested out that Blu-Ray DVD player on a 1982 movie, Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains. Put the disc in a regular player and found it to look like something from the late 90's. Tried the movie in the Blu-Ray player and, boy, it was clear as day! It was the 1980's all over again, just as I remember them! This little known cult movie with a 15-year-old Diane Lane was fun to watch. It takes talent to sing a song like "We're Not Gonna Put Out" in a very punkish atmosphere. Grity and so worth seeing with catchy songs for a surround sound system. Watch it. Happy twats all around.

She's A Goblin

2008-10-05T20:23:00.001-07:00

"Where are all my ho's at?"

-Me

One thing that irks me is having to pay the goddamn car insurance. Sure, it doesn't come often, just every 6 months, but it still sucks to see a large amount of money disappear. And doesn't it feel like it's all over nothing? You don't really see much of anything after paying the insurance. No fancy schmancy gadgets for reaching a certain amount of time with your insurer. No car mat. No cheap watch. Just money gone. All gone.

Ah, the weekend. It's a time for all of you to do things or catch up on things that you've put off thanks to the insanity of work. For me, it's all about healing this body from all the beatings I take at work. My left shoulder is only semi-healed. The wrist is still questionable and will soon feel like it's going to break off again. The main amount of pain comes from the inner-forearms that swell up. It's been said that my job is a workout. That's true but I already work out and will take years to even be able to let myself go. With me, you've got a hardbody for life.

The funny thing about pain is that it can be controlled. Forget about it and you will survive. Dead right. Well, I noticed something about dealing with pain. Watching porn can help and, yes, I am being serious because for the first time in a long time I was able to forget about how much I was in thanks to my left wrist.

Let's be clear. I am serious in that being able to watch the porn channels on my satellite helps. Hell, I've read about a study where people reacted in the same way, by being administered pain while watching people fuck. Fascinating! Oh, are those titties!?!

It could be that I have this insane need to know what turns other people on or even to find something that gets my attention. Stockings do. Guys that put their dicks in pizza boxes before delivering them to 'unsuspecting' big-boobied blondes does not. First of all, he ruined the fucking mushrooms by putting his dick on them. I'm very picky on that, no genitals are to be placed on pizza. She can rub her pussy on Jimmy John sandwich, though.

Why, oh, why do women keep their high heels on while fucking? Just askin'.

I've got to admit that these POV porn movies where you are supposed to feel as if you are the guy getting your dick sucked can be amusing. Point-Of-View is important because it does give you to feel of what happens during doggy-style. Now, we all know that it feels good to slide a cock on in there but we guys also enjoy the sights, pussy lips being torn apart and that cute little puckered asshole just centimeters away. What could possibly go wrong?

I know, I know. Porn's not for everyone but it's got an accident-like timing. You can't look away when something tickles the dirty part of your brain. There might be something that gets your fancy about a certain guy's penis, girls. Or maybe you just get this incredible feeling when you see him really eat a girl out. Like I said, it's all about your kinky side but, for me, it's amateurs because enormous tittied completely shaved blondes rarely do it. There's something about a real girl, slender but doesn't look like she's been liposucked yet, left a few pubic hairs around her bush, and has an awkwardness about her. Professional dick suckers just aren't what they used to be because, let's face it, all of you have had a penis in your mouth at some point.

You'd almost get the feeling that if a guy pulled out his penis, anywhere anytime, a woman would automatically take it in her mouth. The guy could be in the middle of a barren desert only to find himself standing there while a woman just suddenly appears in front of him on her knees.

The one thing that confused me came when a college party turned into a few people fucking during it. Wow. I've never seen anything like that when I was in college. All we had was cops showing up to get rid of the underagers. What makes a guy get up, take his girlfriend off the couch while she's talking to a friend, spread her legs to reveal a very obvious pee stain on her jean shorts from all the beer, and fuck her right there? Oh, and they totally went at it like bunnies. You'd think that her pee stain would keep him from eating her out, sir? Totally wrong. It could be all his friends cheering them on that helped, too. I'm all for getting involved in an orgy but I prefer a cleaner environment.

I do not condone slapping my penis on the face of a girl. Wrong. Totally wrong. Nor will I insist she lick the cum I dripped on the floor, pee on her, or toss her dirty panties to my friends so they can smell them. Some things are just fucked up.

Don't think I only watch porn. It's nice here and there but it gets dull at some point. There is only so much penis drilling vagina that I can take. Gene Simmons put it best: "Why would I watch porn when I'd rather do it?" Having satellite with all the channels also means lots of Pay Per Views except the selection sucks this week. Doomsday was fun, dumb fun with cannibals. There are so many scenes taken from the greatest movies, Aliens, Road Warrior, and even Lethal Weapon.

Oh, and I got that Blu-Ray high defintion DVD player. Fascinating. A little confusing but kind of cool how there are new methods to getting where you want to go with a DVD now. You can play the movie and have a nice little pop-up menu appear if you need something else. No more going to Special Features. Continue watching while you attempt to find what you are looking for. I'm still figuring things out but Blu-Ray is nice.

So, to each and everyone of you a good night. It's close to another beginning of the week where I will be in pain, tired, and wondering if this is all there is to life. I'm being chased by a girl that works at a bookstore. Everytime I go in, I get seeked out. The thing that sucks is that I realize more and more how the economy has slowly started to hurt this independant bookstore. Less books for sale. It's always sad if a bookstore has to fold. Happy twats all around.

Collected In Ass

2008-10-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

"It's official. Girlfriends make me fat."

-Me

Well, maybe not 'fat' as in huge round belly but more along the lines of putting on a few surprising pounds because we are desperate for Wendy's again. Spicy chicken sandwiches are a known weakness of mine made even worse after 6 Bud Light Limes.

I'm not one to over emphasize my weight. In fact, I like it where it is, 193 pounds and somewhere around the less-than 10% bodyfat range. Trust me. That bodyfat number is far more important than the number of pounds hanging around. It's just that I notice how I always find myself a few pounds more after a trip to Indiana. 2 days later? Gone! Gone like yesterday's fart. It's like clockwork because I stand there on the scale at the gym each morning the day after I get home. Same number of pounds. Day 2? We have lift-off.

No, it's not easy. My body is taking quite a pounding at work thanks to the place being so understaffed. Tempers are short. Big motorcycle dudes look ready to cry. It's not pretty when those wearing leather are forced to show some emotion.

What is fun is working next to the deaf guy. For 3 days in a row, he's been right next to me telling me what an idiot I am in sign language while I tell him about Ghettopoly. It's great when a black guy finds racist board games to be something worth laughing about.

What is weird to me is how I got picked on about bodyhair yesterday. Took a few swings from my lesbian co-worker on the fact that I keep my 'pits smooth. Being told I'm nuts just for having no bush around my cock threw me off because, according to Sara, all the boys in our gang trim the hedges majorly. My only mass comes from my legs, hairy and proud, even if Sara has been hinting I trim them, too.

The one thing that got my attention is how I suddenly learn that black people don't have much hair on their forearms. That girl I was talking about? Brought over some co-workers and showed me how smooth their's are. Fascinating. I've never known that a major difference is just that, hair. Almost makes me want to grab a black person and feel how smooth their forearms are.

Trust me. Its gets far worse in topics when work is still minutes away. Boredom brings stupidity.

The only other thing to say is that I am about to buy a Blu-Ray high definition DVD player. I'm currently researching my options because half a grand is quite an investment. What with the new Batman movie (9th) and Wanted (2nd) due out in December on the format, I want to catch up. I'm kind of a techie weirdo when it comes to my movies, wanting to watch them in the best picture available. That is especially true when The Dark Knight will have portions shown in IMAX viewpoint. Whoo! I saw The Two Towers in that way and was nuts at how amazing this looked.

So, I bid adieu to you all. The best porn of the week is about to happen, Biden versus Palin, in St. Louis. You bet I'll be watching. Will Palin fall harder than shit from an obese child after chilli? Or will Biden continue to run his mouth off on things that might be true but the American cannot understand? I've found Palin to be so close to a few of my old college professors that just couldn't conclude how stories can be seen in different views. Plus, no matter how warm they look in how they dress, it's their sinister ways and you're fucked. You know her Hanes Her Ways are gonna slide up her ass when it comes to getting her to understand that abortion is necessary. Nobody is FOR it but it is reality. Happy twats all around.

Permanent Headache

2008-09-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

"Ever had one of those days where you shouldn't have woken up because the headache started in the morning and hasn't stopped since? Welcome to my day."

-Me

Found out I have a little work to do on my Halloween costume for the big party. Would you believe I have to have help on tying a very important part? I'll probably go the short cut way by looking up how to keep my pants up even if girlfriend would rather have them down.

It's weird how I realize that my life has changed into this. There is no shyness in any form when it comes to Sara's friends. We've hung out a lot, houses and parties here and there. This will be my life, I know. Sara has pointed out that when I move into her town things will be so easy to accept. I've known these people for almost 4 years, even if some took longer than others. We've all got our hang-ups and prejudices. Playing the boardgame, Ghettopoly, late at night brings out the inner gangster that just won't die til the last dolla has been taken out of cold dead hands. You'll learn a lot when it comes to other people's weaknesses, such as Sara's persuasions to sell her property. Happy twats all around.

Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight, Bitch

2008-09-29T20:24:00.000-07:00

"You know what? Some racist board games can be livened up when your piece is a bag of weed and someone plays the pimp."

-Me

Just to show you how serious politics has become, Sara and I spent much of Friday night watching the debate. You could hear the howls of laughter when it came to McCain acting as if Obama didn't even exist. That's pretty much how its become for this Republican, ignore logic and consider yourself a complete success even if your next-in-line is dumber than a kid that spends hours watching poop drip off a stick.

I know you expected more. What with Sara's period due soon, sex is out of the question. A handjob would be nice but I'm just too disappointed in how a 72-year-old man thinks it's okay to behave like his rival is totally beneath him. I've come across people that think their disastorous decisions are the smartest no matter how many times the bad effects will be obvious. It's sad because Main Street is being treated so badly while the rich continue to get richer.

Sara and I were in the kitchen last night and she asked me where Sammy is. Like I've said before, I don't care. There are people you meet in life. Then, there are people you meet over a computer that shock you by showing what uncaring morons they can be. Sara and I had quite a laugh over her dislike in Obama being president. Sammy wants a 'hardass!?!" We've had one for 8 fucking years so, yes, the idiots seem to continue to come from Texas.

Also spent much of Sunday dealing with someone's engagement ending. Sad, too. Her fiancee cheated on her with some girl from Facebook. It's the new place to pick up your narcisstic ho's these days. Even one of Sara's friends uses a similar website just to get laid on the weekends. It's weird how the Web makes people braver.

So, I am outta here as I continue to try and cool off a bit. Nice weekend but it was so draining at times. A long night of playing a very racist/offensive boardgame called "Ghettopoly" was nice but all the beer made me feel like shit as the night wore on. Lost all my crackhouses when I couldn't come up with enough stolen cash to pay for landing in a strip joint. Lovely. Happy twats all around.

Fuck It To Death

2008-09-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

"My blog kills fascists."

-Me

Been tickled over the latest issue of Men's Health. There is a very large article on the penis. Lovely to know that someone is looking out for us guys and our equipment. Even better is a small portion of words is given to a woman and what she thinks when pants are unzipped to expose the purple-headed-warrior. There is no thinking! Out of the pants, pass the gums, look out tummy, for it will cum!

As much as I would love to tell you that life is great, well, it's just shit. To think that our president has the balls to order $700 billion to a guy without any question or else the economy will tank scares me. How dumb are we? Obviously, the average joe is pretty much dumb as shit since there are still people that support Bush and believe Obama is a Muslim. Laughing? Rush Limbaugh went on about how he's Arab and this is pretty recent. Sometimes, I wonder just how much the average American knows since voting for McCain pretty much worsens everything. We'd be a heartbeat away from a woman that knows more about hiding her panty lines than what the definition of 'maverick' is.

No, I didn't finish reading the article on penises. I'm sure I'll be tittalated beyond words when it comes to just how average mine is or how much I can ejaculate. Did you know that 270 million sperm are in each squirt? I know for a fact that I can do it 2 to 3 times til the rest just drips out. I've always found it funny how every girlfriend I've had loves to watch. Eyes roll back, breathing goes into some insane sounds, and the toes curl. What doesn't a girl love?

My Halloween costume was ordered. $133 total, yo. Damn, this better be some fine craftsmanship for that amount. I always said that if I find this thing, I'd buy it. With a pair of jeans, this costume will get some looks because everyone knows who these bad boys were in that movie.

Still miserable at work. My back is a bit sore and that evil manager was back today with a vengeance. It's nothing personal but if you start to get into it with me on things beyond my control, I'm gonna give it a go in your face. I did. Nobody puts Ultrarooster in a corner. Nobody.

So, I'm gonna go now. Hopefully, y'all are having a better time than I. Nothing but sad news makes on the local newscenters makes me miserable. I'm sensitive to stupidity. Gonna head on out to Indiana on Friday because of the town's big event that I go to every year. Fortunately, there is beer as well. Happy twats all around.

Drunk Wal-Mart Runs

2008-09-23T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Well, a big 'DUH' to you, too!"

-Me (on Clay Aiken's admittance to being gay)

Call me old-fashioned but if something quacks like a duck it is a duck, dammit. There is no hiding behind some of the most insane lies ever made up. While I may not have the most prestigious gaydar on the planet (Yes, I was one of the last 2 people on this planet that thought George Michael was straight til, like, 1995 or so), Clay Aiken's coming out just screams of a chance to cash in somehow. It's been a while since he's made any real money. Those that hide for so long need money at some point when no one seems to notice them anymore. Remember Lance Bass of NSYNC? Attempt to put some form of literature out in hopes that you'll be remembered.

Yes, there are some days that I absolutely hate my life but, so far, I have yet to feel the need for a tell-all book. How far along til I admit that, yes, I once thought girls didn't poop. It stayed with me til I had to walk into the bathroom after a lovely girl that lived at the house we were staying at in Florida left the room with the most foul smelling stench I had ever come across. I still want that t-shirt with the slogan, "Girls Don't Poop."

Found my Halloween costume. My possibles were being Tyler Durden of Fight Club or David of The Lost Boys. For the latter, I'd dye my hair blonde, add fangs, wear a long coat, pierce my ear, and try to look menacing instead of my old goofy self. Fight Club would have been interesting because Sara says I've got the body for it all while always wearing the kind of pants Tyler would. Yes, this is the Brad Pitt character that breathes a sense of honesty on how fucked up our lives are and they are ticking away so fast over our obsessions to own more stuff. Tyler wouldn't be too hard since I can easily make my hair that rumpled spikey look easily. Just add bruises and that nappy bathrobe that Sara finds amusing. I'm pretty sure it had a flower pot on the chest. I'm not sure if I'd be totally comfortable in a bathrobe all night at the house party being planned.

As for what I want, I can't give it away.......yet. I'm totally for clues, though, so here goes. It's a gi from an 80's movie, all black, sleeveless, says "Johnny" on the side, and just so happens to be one of the costumes I talked about over and over with when I lived in college with a roommate also obsessed with it. Oh, and I have to dye my hair blonde, too. Enough clues? Remember it's the moment of truth and it's all on the line.

If you figure this out, I will send you a DVD, Brotherhood Of the Wolf, a French movie obsessed with the possibility of a large wolf ravaging the area and martial arts. The lovely actress Monica Belucci bares her famous breasts all while being a spy for the Pope. I've got other DVDs......

So, the weekend? Tiring. Absolutely tiring. Sara and I are always busy thanks to dinners, get-togethers with friends, and this weekend brought about a lot of planning for the art thingee. There was no sex. I felt lucky enough to have 4 beers during our Beer Trek night. Then again, those beers might have cost me my sanity because I was then in Wal-Mart late at night buying GIJoes with an annoyed Sara next to me. I love Storm Shadow, okay. My favorite characters are silent but deadly.

Girls just have to accept it that boys will always like their toys.

I've already explained the cat issue. I'm not kidding about how annoying was to be pounced on as it raced to the window. The worst part is when my skin is cut open by a claw or two because it will itch terribly due to allergies. Itchy feet or legs do not make sleeping easy, especially when the girlfriend is snoring loudly next to my left ear.

Oh, and, yes, girls fart in their sleep. Not going to name any names here.......

So, hit the road, jack. I'm gonna stop here. I've got a bunch of graphic novels to read, Wolverine and various others. It's nice to see that there are some adult types that tell it like it is. We fuck, suck, and sometimes drink too much. Sometimes, we guys like to stick our fingers in girls' asses just to get rid of that insane fantasy of wanting to know what's up there. Would you believe a girl writes about that? Happy twats all around.

Them Women-Folk

2008-09-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes, I really don't get a cat's mental issues."

-Me

Ever had a moment where you desperately need to sleep? You absolutely have to be up early for something important. It may or may not be something to do with you directly but it's a need for you to be there. Funny how you forget to close the door because that just means the cat's out and it's time for some sort of insane in the membrane need to pounce all around the bed.

Trust me. I was not happy at all to find myself being awakened again and again by a small white cat owned by Sara's roommate. She's cute, the cat, I'll give her that. It's just that nighttime means a sudden insane urge to run all around the apartment by taking point over all windows. It's basically a cat guarding at its best time, when it's more awake after sleeping the whole day on the couch in my rumpled old sweatshirt. I have to be awake and out of bed by 7AM. Cat decides to jump in bed with me over and over again to see if her 'gentleman caller,' a black cat, has decided to shake his black ass near the window.

It's Ebony and Ivory!

That's pretty much what happened Saturday night that has me so, so tired today. Sara needed me with her for the art showing in the park. Starts at 10AM but needed an early start for set-up. The scene was basically me attempting sleep at 2AM while Sara is busy pounding away at the computer for last-minute preparations. Cat is busy playing peek-a-boo in the window next to me. I have now decided to annoy Cat during her afternoon naps chasing it around the apartment.

Cat will probably retaliate by shitting in my shoes.

It's been a long weekend, folks. Spent a lot of Sunday in the park for this arts thingee that Sara participated in. Fun, too, once the first hour had me settled in. Another couple, one Sara and I have known for some time, was also there. That meant I could find myself away from the women-folk for much needed macho time. You might consider it a bust but not I. We men-folk spent much bitching about why the women-folk no longer clean up after themselves. Funny to you that this meant I listened as the guy described the horror of having to do all the vacuuming himself.

Oh, lordy, I cried!

So, excuseth me as I tend to some much needed sleep. I needeth the gym to escape this feeling that I am now one of the ordinary human-folk, the 90% that have accepted being fat. There is much to do when I feel a loss in strength and sleep. Happy twats all around.

Sexxed Out

2008-09-18T20:26:00.000-07:00

"When it comes to keeping people's interests, doing something fast only makes them react in a hostile manner. Slow, on the other hand, forces them to become confused and much more interested."

-Me

Funny thing I find about myself when I'm sick. I don't care about you. Seriously, all I want to do is recover as fast as possible. There is no interest coming from me when it comes to knowing how you are doing. No hits to your statcounter from me. It's all about getting me back into being able to fuck or else my girlfriend is going to be mad that I don't put out.

For those of you that have read my blog(s) for quite some time, this is nothing new. I'm a bit on the crazy side when it comes to ridding my body of sickness or anything foreign causing issues within. If I could describe myself in one word, it would be 'crazy.' I'm insane with the issue of getting better. Don't try this if you did not take the time to give yourself an athletic body.

Ridding the body of poisons is basically done by sweating them out. We already know my body overheats a lot, part of the reason I'm rarely sick. Colds or the occasional flu are all I get. Just ask Sara how sleeping with me is hell during the summer but nice in the winter. I'm a never-able-to-turn-off furnace so I've always found it wise for me to overheat my body. No sauna. I'm in an air-conditioned room doing things to cause me to sweat even more.

Give me 15-minutes and I'll make you feel so good. No, you don't have to bend over and raise your skirt. Push-ups and side lateral raises did the trick today. My sweat was pouring out of me. As a result, I feel pretty much close to 100%. A nasty cold (or flu) can go by rather quick. The trick is to wait for the body to feel as good as it can get during all this. For me, it's after dinner. My body has more energy than previously so up the stairs I go into a room to do push-ups, etc. It's not easy. For me, I get angry at myself when I can't reach my goals set for when I was not sick. Didn't reach the 50 push-ups in a row? I'm just too weak.

Do you remember the exact moment you realize you are getting sick? Weird how I am obsessed with this. Laying around in bed for 3 little naps does it. Sex. I'm normally much more of a machine that allows Sara orgasm after orgasm but not that time. A few were given but I was spent too soon. I should have paid more attention and started ridding my body of the poisons earlier.

Note: I am still fuming over Sarah Palin's charging rape victims for the rape kits used on them. Have you ever heard such lunacy? That pretty much blames the victims yet there are people really willing to vote her in as vice president. The really sad part is that there are women wanting this just because she is a woman with 5 kids so she must know how they feel. Until they get raped.........

3 short naps interrupted by a small dog telling me she is hungry makes you think a lot. Not being at work had me hating the fact that I was doing nothing but not looking forward to the push-ups needed to sweat out the poisons. My life has weird issues.

So, of course, you should know I am leaving this Friday for Indiana. Sara has an art exhibit that we've been preparing for. Takes place this Sunday so I'll be out there setting up and taking things down. Might even find myself with a burrito from Moe's. Might find my drop-kicking a Republican that says Palin is a gift from God. Politics are driving our family dinner nights to new hights of yelling. Can't we all just enjoy the grilled salmon? Not with me and my big mouth. Happy twats all around.

Sick=O

2008-09-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

Two words: I'm sick. So, if you need me, I'll be in bed reading the comic strip, 'Get Fuzzy.' There's something about a demented cat paired with a gullible dog all living with a Red Sox fan. Call me sentimental but that's what I like when I walk as if I belong in the Special Olympics for the elderly.

Got Vagina?

2008-09-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

"That's because we had to have the sex."

-Sara (her explanation as to why I was so tired today)

Ever found yourself so physically drained recently? I'm wondering if it's all got to do with politics. I'm wondering if it's trying to see the logic in McCain's reasoning as to why we aren't allowed to ask Palin the tough questions. She's a chick. So, the fuck what!?! If some psychotic religious windbag that just so happens to be a female decides to play the I've-Got-A-Vagina Card so I don't have to tell you where Israel is, then I'm gonna have use my trusty ol' hammer o' reasoning. If it smells like shit, it's shit, yo.

Chicks, man. To think that it isn't a rumor that rape victims in Palin's place had to pay for their own rape kits.......

I'm just out of the it. All that driving home or to Indiana on the interstate has me feeling like I'm on tour. It's not easy staying awake only to find yourself not able to plop down in front of the TV. That's after you put away clothes, play with the dog, find something to eat, carry all the luggage in the house, deal with dumb questions as you enter said house, and hope nobody pooped before you enter the bathroom for a bath.

What we did in Indiana was pretty much prepare for Sara's art show that takes place outdoors. It got moved from this past weekend to this week's. Rain. Yeah, it was nasty and didn't make my depression go away. Well, it is nice to have an excuse to stay indoors, watch House on the DVD player, and take in the quietness from painting. What do you do? Sleep some more?

So, I'm going to head on up to deal with some major newspaper reading as I always do when I come home. Nothing's over because I have to go back to Indiana on Friday night. I'm so tired that I really just want to end this entry as one that is too weird for those that don't keep busy in their lives. Happy twats all around.

Across My Idiotic Issues

2008-09-10T20:28:00.000-07:00

"Putting together a website's personal jukebox is hard. Do I put the video of 'Woman Playing Wii Naked' next to 'Cat Using Karate On Dog' or is it best to just let nature take its course? Anything with Elton John is pretty much a wild card."

-Me

Yeah, I've been sitting here trying to figure out how to order around my selection on Dailymotion, a website that collects some great videos that aren't exactly Youtube friendly. I've enjoyed playing around with my tastes in only a limited amount of areas. Yes, there are the obvious sex stuff where the Nintendo Wii forces an amazingly fit woman to forget her clothes but it's all about the weird things that someone in another country find more up their alley. Ya mean they like Bruce Horsnby's "Across the River," too!?!

I thought I was the only one that couldn't get enough of Bruce.

Only one more day of work til I get a nice long rest. I need it. To give you an idea of how bad I am, I didn't attend a workout this morning. That's just not me. What is me is a guy that goes to sleep very sore all over. I may be able to sleep. I may be able to fall hard but that doesn't mean I enjoy all the pain in knowing I have this amazing ability to carry heavy objects for a ridiculous period of time. What I hate is knowing that it starts all over again tomorrow.

My smelly stuff looks like a chemistry set in the bathroom. I'm not kidding. You open the cabinet to find this large row of various liquids that help my long hot bath smell so much better. Today, I got lime. To smell much better all because I realize that the smell of a freshly bathed woman makes me forget all about the pain is what I aim for.

But hey, I smell good! Well, after work is definitely a no-no. After a bath, the whole room smells of lime, orange-ginger, and some things you'd more often find in women's bathrooms rather than this boy's. I love it. Bath & Body Works is a bit on the expensive side but, hey, I'm so worth it. $150 worth of this shit sends my mind into a nice tizzy. Sara says I've gone 'girly.'

Girls, if your ass smells like orange-ginger, you will be laid out on the bed with a nose in between your legs in five minutes flat.

Still wishing I had gone to the funeral. Bastard manager.

Must be off. I've got a graphic novel to read, The Runaways, and hope that my left eye heals. The allergies have irritated it immensely. When this happens, I get so many eye boogers that it's not funny anymore to say the word 'booger.' Did you know a nickname for cocaine is 'booger sugar?' I learned that today. Now get in the tub with some orange ginger and tell your boy to fuck you like an animal. Happy twats all around.

Mr. Not Ducks

2008-09-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Do you know what 'feeding the ducks' means?"

-Me

I was supposed to be at a funeral today. There is a reason for my major mistake of being at work instead. My manager. The mean 'little boy' that insists he rules all would never allow me to take a day off so suddenly. Sure, I could call in sick or hurt but it's too soon in the week for that. I'm hoping my sore ankle and tired upper back can hold out til I have to leave on Friday for Indiana. Yes, I feel bad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral but you really have to see this boy king.

Here it is as best as I can put it. A friend from high school that I graduated with died last week. It was a Monday evening where his body was found in my gym's locker room. Heart attack. Weird, considering how young he is. Not surprising to me in how this once very muscular guy, now a bit puffy, looked like he pushed his body a bit too far each night. The number of standing bicep lifts and squats were major. Still, he was a bit on the puffy side with a round face that once was attached to the body of a young Mike Tyson.

How well did I know him? Somewhat. I'd run into him every 2-3 months. Sometimes, it was more because he'd come into the gym around the time I was about to leave. We'd always say hi to each other. Even high school was kind of weird. Many of our blacks didn't hang with the whites so much but this guy did. Ignore that body and those enormous tattoos. The boy was goofy as fuck and fun to be around.

To the girl with the warped mind that hints I might be racist. In my high school, I hung around a lot of different types of people and, yes, there were a lot of blacks, male and female. It was weird to just get along with almost everyone but I did. While many whites would be scared off by the types I knew, nothing really fazed me. These were the black guys that everyone would think were gang members thanks to their styles and tattoos. Show them some pathetic white boy moves and, boy, you are stylin'! What I am critical of is how a vast majority of black teens do not see how stupid their behavior is. It's gotten to the point that I wonder if they even try to learn in today's world or just give up in hopes of becoming the greatness rappers talk about, bragging about nothing.

I should have been at the funeral and, yes, that was all I thought about at work today. I signed the memorial, though. Hopefully, all 240 pounds is still smilin' on me.

So, 'feeding the ducks' comes up because an Asian girl walked with me today. 5-Pound Phooey was amusing enough to her that she took her earphones out to talk as we passed her by. Her sweatsuit top to force the body to perspire more got my attention. The whole thing was mutual that we had to walk together where we ended up at the park's bridge to feed the ducks. I asked her if she knew what the term meant and instantly got a laugh. Of course, she knew. All Asian women find this funny.

'Feeding the ducks' is when an Asian woman cuts off her cheating husband's penis and feeds it to the ducks. That way, once it's down the ducks' throat, there will be no chance for him to get it reattached. Too bad the infamous Mrs. Bobbit didn't realize this. Instead, the cops used a cocker spaniel to find the damn penis after it was thrown out the window of her car.

Bad joke. I know.

I cannot imagine a morning where I am awakened by the usual swelling of morning wood only to look down and see that the damn thing aint there. It's very rare to not have to press down on the penis's base in order to not pee on the windows first thing in the morning.

So, there you go. I'm in my usual state of frustration. Oh, how I'd love to be completely passed out on the floor like so many of these college girls. What makes a person want to share a picture of themselves passed out with their thongs very visible and drool coming out? Is it really funny when a girl pees her jeans and shows everyone the massive puddle? That all reminds me of how I first realized a drunken woman can piss like a racehorse. My friend told me to hold her panties while she pulled up her skirt to bend over and release the most amazing pee stream that nailed the wall in the alley. It was a day that I suddenly became one of those boys that realized that women do not pee by magic after all even if it seemed like the whole area was one giant mass of steam afterwards. Happy twats all around.

Your Thong Smells

2008-09-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

"I'm seasonal. Tonight, I sat on my bedroom floor and started thinking up plans for my Halloween costume. How bloody am I going to look? Who could I offend? Damn, I'm going to find myself with a pack of Marlboros to kick!"

-Me

New me. New fucking me tonight. I've gotten over myself when it comes to my frustration with people not remembering my feelings. Who cares? Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, and a lot of other things so many morons cannot afford came over. Materialism has cooled me off.

I'm kind of in a weird mood. There is anger but I really did come up with various things to be on Halloween if there is another party like last year. How could I forget my ingenius look of becoming the nation's most famous dog abuser, Michael Vick. Many took offense while others found it crafty. It just depends on your point of view. Personally, it was a great way to get rid of that football jersey, by smearing fake blood all over it. Let me tell ya, walking into a college restaurant like that causes a lot of freaked out looks.

So it's now all about how poor Palin cannot handle her vice presidential run with McCain. If you want to get into the fire, bitch, ya gotta burn! How pathetic to find that there is a large amount of women that will vote for McCain all because they feel she is being victimized. What did they put in their butts!?! Palin has attacked Obama before the man said a word about her. Since when does one not expect to have various questions thrown during politics? This world if full of idiots but surprises me in how very few question a woman that wants to make abortion evil, even for rape victims.

Got raped? Gonna have to have that bastard child swoop right outta your pussy. Gonna have to raise it. Why? Because Palin, the religious nuts, and McCain want no child to go without a chance at life. If that bitch is forced to sit with a down-syndrome child thanks to a possible heavy drinking moment where it's the only way to get the religious bitch to put out, we all have to pay.

To me, it's just goo. While everyone goes loopy over how great conception is, no one questions the dying sperm that end up on Sara's various body parts. Apparently, abortions don't go along the lines of what ends up on a towel. It's eggs. All eggs are sacred. All eggs are great! Forgive me, Monty Python, for I have sinned.

And to end this, I'd just like to say that I really don't know where I am going with this, this blog. I'm learning that I am quite the sap to keep this going even after the same shit happens to me over and over. Generally, people are just assholes only out for themselves. If you question or try to show what is wrong, they'll use whatever greatness they learned in school to just tell you you are a fucking fuck for having feelings. Life goes on. Got paid in puke? Lick it up, baby. Lick it up. Oh, how I love it when I'm in a calm mood that deals with the most damning consequences. Department stores do that to me. Happy twats all around.

Fuck Plano

2008-09-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes, the loveliest of lovelies, 'C' word, comes to mind."

-Me

What a crock of shit! Thanks to feeling as low as can be from the lack of a couple people not wishing me a happy birthday, I am taking my ass on a shopping spree. The new book, Playboy's Complete Centerfolds, smelly stuff for the bath, and other things just tell me I'm not done. There were no gifts since that's not how my parents roll. I'm fine with that. All I wanted was for someone to really send me a meaningful birthday wish or email. Not one.

It's all up to Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein to send me love as I'm off to Macy's after my workout. Fuck you to those that made me feel like I'm not worthy of their time. There is no excuse as to forgetting because I talked about my birthday in entries read. The next time it's your birthday, no longer think I will care.

So, I'm off. To sum it all up, while I had a nice quiet time this weekend thanks to the girl on the rollerblades that came and talked to me while 5-Pound Phooey was at my side, I still felt bad. Me drowning in a lake kept popping up as a way to make myself feel better. Come to think of it, it was rather nice of the cute opinion filled girl to chat away with me. My own girlfriend said she'd write back but didn't. Yeah, we celebrated last weekend but I'm lost as to what to do about her. And you think you have problems? Happy twats all around.

Drink Heavily

2008-09-04T20:32:00.000-07:00

"I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in."

-Me (loved this line from a song in The Big Lebowski's soundtrack)

Did you watch McCain's speech? Nothing really to note. Avoidance of all things we need to know, like how a cranky old man is going to keep us all snug in our homes or out on the streets in boxes the same way he lived in Vietnam after getting captured. Somehow, I think McCain wants us all to feel like a POW.

Funny how McCain said he wasn't going to be dealing with special interests. Lo and behold a bunch of big money paying people got special seats. That's like a girl with fake tits telling a guy to be honest with her.

So, I'm in a bit of a disarray. Work is the usual craziness of having to try and do as much as I can with a guy that enjoys yelling when it's obvious he's the one that should be doing something. Got off early because he's annoyed that his words don't get to me as much. For my new co-workers, I told them not to worry so much. This little line-manager cannot do the firing of employees. It's the good guy I like that will. He likes me. Little line-manager is going to be gone sometime because it's just not possible for someone to think he rules your life through a job.

The other thing on my mind is Sara's asking of me to move in with her next year, possibly August. It's nice to be thought of as someone wanted to keep an apartment's warmth. There's just a few catches. Sara has a few habits that can really wear me down. The other is finding a new job in a tough economy. I may hate my job but, as of now, it hasn't gotten to me just yet. The amount of freedom is important to me.

Sara and I are weird. We argue a lot. Just about every visit ends up with something irritating her or my frustration with her losing her phone/keys/meds/item of importance. There is no definitely perfect moment. I will always have to spend time looking for something or driving back to get something after I had asked her whether she had everything. I'm not kidding on how irritated I am getting at this point. This comes because I am the one that gets yelled at by her over little things while I sit back as she runs around looking for keys.

As for this possibility of moving in, it's up in odds. I'm a bit too depressed to really see things as great. My line-manager has me holding back a large amount of anger within. While there are moments where I can release it in the gym, there are events where I sleep thinking up how great it would be to see a steamroller run him over.

My birthday itself was okay, very low-key due to finances. I'm okay with that because my body is worn the fuck out from work. A part of me misses how great it was in college to find so many people wanting to celebrate your birthday. Done a beer bong of rum? Did that! Lost my footing and cookies in the bar right after. With Sara, I was kind of hoping the whole gang would get together over me, the Beer Trek crew. Maybe I don't know them well enough to warrant such a thing.

For the record, I am not happy that my birthday is this Saturday. I'll be recovering from the latest crap brought on by work.

Do I sound depressed? We've had rain all fucking day and even tonight. While I love rain and how it cools things down, there is a time for it to stop. I walk through a large parking lot to a place I now hate working at and see people with their heads down because of no longer feeling good enough. I need to start drinking heavily. Bud Light Limes, please! Happy twats all around.

Ah's Gets Mah Water

2008-09-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

"You can easily tell that it's raining when you look into our backyard. There will be 3 little dogs sitting underneath the grill not willing to come out to pee."

-Me

Since I'm a bit too busy due to all the craziness at work, I'll keep this short. Plus, those Republicans just make me laugh too much with their empty promises of the usual. No talk of the economy but, hey, let's bash Obama and the greatness he's become. Maybe there is a reason why so many people like him.

We had an episode at work today where the manager went completely berserk. In all my life, I've never seen a grown man go nuts as he did today. Screaming and yelling over things he should have done to keep things going. None of us could live up to his expectations. That's not the way things should be done. While I do believe that a manager doesn't have to be liked. He certainly has to lead in a way that justifies what he wants. Yeah, it's okay for him to get some water to drink but not us. Nope, we're the lowest of the low. Never mind the tragic amount of sweat dripping from our foreheads.

So, go to bed. I'm much too tired to get into things, seeing as I'm a mix of anger and piss. Loved how I stood up to the manager by telling I'm getting water whether he allows me to or not. Fuck him! The little midget cannot stop me. I do my work but I need to keep my body cool enough from faint. Happy twats all around.

Not Without My Razor

2008-09-02T20:49:00.001-07:00

"You know it by heart. When you start to hear Tom Petty sing 'Free Ballin', that means I am back from Indiana with no undies on."

-Me

Glory be! I am back in one piece. Even after a long day at work where I got yelled at by an incompetent boss, I come around the hard way. There is nothing like driving a little guy nuts over the fact that his words have no effect on you. I'm bigger. My wardrobe costs more than all his materialistic effects. People like me and, gosh darn it, I've got balls bigger than his ears.

Long weekend as usual. Sara and I are not a boring couple. There's always something. For instance, I woke up to find Sara and I accused by her leechy roommate as to whether one of us used her razor. Let me be clear. I picked it up off the wet floor and it might have collected a lot of various hairs. This girl doesn't clean up after herself so someone has to explain that those armpit/leg/pubic hairs are hers and hers alone. I hated having to explain the orange razor's reason for being moved on the bathtub first thing this morning.

Now, if only Sara would stand up a bit to this roommate, especially her need to hog the DVR by saving ALL the fucking tennis games on it and leave her dirty towels on the bathroom floor for the cat to pee on...........

Had a very nice early birthday dinner provided by Sara's mom. I joked about grilled salmon only to have it actually happen along with her amazing mac n' cheese. Left the home feeling like I put on 15 pounds because it all ended with cheesecake, orange icing cheesecake. Trust me. I was a mess as I washed all that down with a Bud Light Lime.

Of course, my birthday isn't til this Saturday. This will be a day of rest so I will be here in town. Great. I feel like I can finally get some sleep because I spent 3 days with nightmares in Sara's bed. Just look at the sweaty sheets I left that poor girl. The nightmares are something I'll tell you about later. They were brought on pretty fast thanks to a conversation I had in a restaurant, my nightmares but Sara's mom's happiness.

Right now, this boy that is totally freeballin' is in the middle of a weird apocalypse movie called Doomsday. The director, Neil Marshall, did some of my favorite horror movies, Dog Soldiers and The Descent. Basically, a whole country is being ravaged by a virus called the Reaper Virus. There's the following movies all blended in to show tribute to, Aliens, Road Warrior, and so on. You'll pick up on what I'm getting at right away. If cannibalistic freaks gets your panties wet, by all means watch Doomsday.

Other than that, I've had quite a laugh at a few comments from Sammy. Sara got a kick out them, too. I'll never understand that kind of thinking but I welcome another side to what it's like to not be on the meds the doctors urge a girl to take.

So, I am outta here, seeing as there will be a much to tell about tomorrow. My nightmares? Easy to discuss. Hard to understand. I'm so wanting to just sleep after a long drive just to get chewed out by an idiot manager. Sure, we make good money. Why can't the business provide people with the type that obtained educations? Happy twats all around.

Vote Obama, Bee-yotch

2008-08-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

"Don't be a dummy. Vote Obama!"

-Me

Wasn't that one of the most beautiful speeches? I'm always critical of politicians when they say all these things in hopes of you voting for them. Mucho ass kissing. How can they do these things while keeping fingers crossed? For 8 years, we have seen jobs leave us to an overseas area where Pablo now answers the phone for questions on how to stop your streams from crossing. I know, I know. Bad Ghostbusters joke. It's just that I watched Obama's speech in complete awe. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING I've constantly harped about was hit. It's time for those wealthy few to allow those that weren't born with silver spoons to enjoy life again and not have to come to work sick and tired all because of losing a paycheck. No one wants to have to choose between work and caring for a sick relative. And can we please put a couple in the White House that looks like they have hot nasty sex!?! People that get laid are much happier people.

I know Sara will come up with a joke or two about a certain gal in love that's totally for 'licking the presidential penis.'

I know Sammy will bitch me out about how great McCain is or could be better. Whatever. I'm just not into being led by an old man with a well-known ability to throw temper tantrums, has never had a payroll, swears he is perfect for leading the military even though most of his time was spent in a cage, marries rich white women, does not know how many homes he owns, and is older than Alaska. You can have him! Those with no heart or love of this country deserve to live on an island with McCain as he whips you on your third job of the day just to make ends meet.

I'm leaving tomorrow. Sara said that it's best to celebrate my birthday early since it's a three day weekend. Of course, that means a major cookout with the gang I've come to feel close to. You would, too, after drinking many beers down in a large basement around a big screen TV. Beer Trek lives on! A shirtless William Shatner makes us all reach for that alcoholic beverage. Even alien women love the manliness of tight Star Trek uniforms.

Set phasers to discreet lovemaking and make it quick, Scotty!

Another reason I am leaving early is because I am calling in sick from work. Boo-hoo. My boss from hell has made his wretchedness known. Fuck him and his need to piss everyone off. What was once a nice quiet place is now filled with my co-workers worn the fuck down. Yes, it's hard work. Yes, it's always been that way but we live under the whip of a little annoying fucktard that doesn't grasp the fact that we need water and pee breaks. Our bathroom time is now monitored.

I can't tell you where I work. Let's just say it's well-known company that prides itself on being a great place to work. Yeah, when our managers actually do something instead of standing around laughing over something said by a co-worker. I saw one guy hurt his foot only to be ordered back to work. I, on the other hand, had to pee fast. The final straw was the cookout for people in the company but not us, not us lowly of the low. Fuck 'em. I'm going to heal my slightly swollen ankle tomorrow by not showing up. If I had felt great about working there, I'd show up with pride. No burger. No Ultrarooster.

This is what makes me so irritated. My manager that pisses me off is tiny. Physically, I look down at him and his little hat. When he has angered me, and it's a lot, it takes a lot of strength to hold back.

I value work. In fact, I love to work in order to keep my mind from racing away. Only, I like working for a company that doesn't lie about how it says it puts its employees first. No, the managers that stand around doing nothing get put first. No freaking out over an upper-level guy that insists on having a cigarette break. We don't get them. We're warned if we get water on a very hot day after burning over 1,000 calories. I don't like being told by one manager that I am great at what I do only to be told I'm too slow by another.

So, have a great weekend. Watch a lot of Playboy Channel if you have it. Get up and exercise. Walk the dog. Teach your kid the value of being kind to others and to take up better eating habits. Pour a little liquor out for your homies. Fuck McCain. And never back down when your boss is an asshole. Happy twats all around.

What I See On Playboy

2008-08-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

"So, I saw what she ate for dinner when she showed me her butt."

-Me

Sorry about that. Last night's entry pretty much ate it. Only one paragraph got through while the rest, politics, didn't. I've never been lucky when it comes to the subject because no one really wants to talk about what's been going on in the political world these days. We already know that our lives are fucked thanks to a leadership that pretty much consists of a party of 3rd Graders that pick their noses after sniffing glue because their boogers taste better that way.

So, I came up with something to discuss that many seem to enjoy. Sex. Why not? I've not been as open as I used to be when it comes to what I've seen or done. Pretty much all my sexual fantasies have been lived out even if there are occasions where I do wonder about a threesome with Sara. Good luck to any girl willing to join us because Sara's pretty rough with her constant demands for more orgasms. The number's gotta be at least 7 or sex just aint worth it.

Now do you see why I get so tired?

As you know, I have the Playboy Channel. Add the others, Exctasy, ClubJenna, Penthouse, and a few more but I love Playboy the most. While there are the usual porn movies on it, it's not quite as raunchy as the others. In other words, there are no cum shots nor are there any scenes that involve female urination. Good ol' penetration is always there just as it's inevitable that the prom dress must come off for a good time. What did surprise me is that Playboy does some light bondage things but that's for another time.......

What got me to this entry's topic was the sight of a guy obviously in his late 60's sending in an amateur tape for all to see. In it, his wife/girlfriend that is obviously much younger (more likely to be in her 30's) and dressed in a sexy nurse's outfit is getting fucked in many different positions. I know older people fuck and I accept this. It's just odd to see something I've never seen, an older dick wedged into a much younger girl's pussy.

You'd be surprised as to what you see. Playboy has this somewhat interesting show where people send in their videos of themselves having sex. It could be solo, a couple, or a goddamn orgy of such carnage that even I get jealous. Let's face it. Most of us don't look good in bad lighting. Men, with obvious beer guts and a hard-on, look even worse. Oh, is that a pimple on your ass?

Why do guys slap girls' faces with their dicks? Can't figure that one out.

What's nice about watching amateur videos is that it tells you your sex life is not fucked up as much as you might think. People pretty much do it in similar ways. While I have a girlfriend that does not stop once she starts, there is some point where I can stand up and leave her on the floor as dazed as she is. Except, I tend to walk around with claw marks all over my body and a dick dripping so much cum that it takes a lot of kleenexes to clean me up. That is, if you don't mind sticky puddles in your sheets.

There is no perfection. What you see is regular people going at it. There will be those that shave and those that forgot or just don't see any need for a shorn pussy. Small penises will come out of the cave and inch their ways up. Some couples are extremely careful of the furniture by putting towels on the couches and chairs. The funny parts come when the guys have a hard time finding a girl's excitable hole and not the other. It's easy. You slide the penis's head slightly downward right below her asshole. Sex should come with instructions.

How do people do it? To show your most private places found in your body is pretty adrenaline filled. I'm not gonna lie. I have no problem with someone I know quite well watching me fuck. In fact, it's kind of sexy because sex is only natural. You do it. I do it. Well, I hope y'all are doing it because I hate to read that there are people out there with no one to jump on top of and fuck silly.

Unfortunately, there are mistakes that people make in wanting us to see into their sex lives. My favorite was the girl that took pictures of nude self in the bathroom. Lo and behold, right behind her in the toilet was a brown surprise. I get it. Taking an enormous dump makes you feel all sexy, yo. The Internet was at an all-time high in laughter over this infamous picture. That could also be added to the various people that forget to wipe themselves clean before their darkest place is shown. Baby wipes! Baby wipes!

Only ladies. Gawd, what is with you girls, at times? There is only a small percentage of guys that enjoy seeing a woman's most obvious sign of her time of the month, those tampon strings. I was hoping I would go throughout my whole life not seeing one. Damn, I've come across a lot of girls that pose for amateur pictures only there is an obvious string hanging down between her legs. Even an episode of Cinemax show had one that could be seen when the girl gets up off a guy. Man, is it too much to pay for an editor.

If you are daring enough, you can always gross yourself out by watching the infamous 2 Girls 1 Cup video where they........uh.....poop and eat it. Youtube has a collection of people's reactions to the video itself. Sara and her friends talked about this. A few saw the actual video while Sara is not interested. Can you believe that there are guys that masturbate to this stuff?

A show called Sexcetera basically introduces us to sexual things we've never heard of and probably won't experience. Did you know there is completely nude female boxing? New York has an exercise place for those that enjoy being dominated. It's called Slavercise. There is an island devoted entirely to those with money wanting to fuck the most beautiful women. Those brothels in Nevada consist of ugly women. The island has women that will make you cum once a guy reaches shore.

But if I've scared you off from ordering Playboy, it's really the classiest channel when it comes to something that shows sex all day. I don't watch much of the porn movies (unless they star Cassidey, a totally hot dominant brunette with skill) but I love the reality shows. You'll catch people being caught doing anything just to see a tit, a fake porn capital show where one guy walks into the cafeteria with his penis ending up in the buffet line, how a guy tries to change porn into something artsy, tributes to great icons thanks to Hugh Hefner, hot naked girls driving a bulldozer (I kid you not), and 69 sexy things you should do before you die. Playboy really has it all and continues to thrill me with catching up on stuff I've missed over the years. I never knew a naked girl can figure out how to use construction equipment. Good for her!

Gawd, my birthday is so, so close that I'm still nervous.

So, that's pretty much what it is. Yes, I have a life of many other things other than the Playboy Channel. It's just that there are so many shows that catch my eye and keep it there when I get home from work all tired. I mean, with the shit I do, it's nice to see a guy that wrote a letter just to get 5 girls to wash his truck. This means nudity. This also means that the lucky bastard just sits there in a fold-up chair watching as various pussies and titties move around. And I thought I was lucky. Happy twats all around.

Messed Up Entry

2008-08-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

"No one is FOR abortion."
-Sara

How fun is it to see Hillary Clinton all fired up? She may not have been given the Democratic nomination to hopefully run this tired country. She may not have been allowed to show us how much spirit she has for the country. Gosh, isn't Hillary great when she gets fired up at beating an old geezer that thinks economic policies not working under George Bush Jr. should still continue? Politics are funny when you allow someone that loves power the chance to get a nice little speech in even though you know deep down she wishes Obama would get another eyeful of that ass again. Yeah, I love that infamous picture

We Had A Wee Stick

2008-08-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

"Doesn't this feel weird to you, us carrying a home pregnancy test and baby wipes?"

-Me (in Target on Sunday early evening)

Yeah, beat that for a weekend. Sara and I had to deal with some things that came to light. Lucky they were all false thanks to a fucked up period that had a slight amount of paranoia. Every couple faces something like this at some point. It wasn't til late Sunday night after practicing sign language on the floor of the bathroom that we both sighed from relief.

Most people go into discussion over various things going on in their lives. Sara and I meet only to get into it about Obama's possible VP pick (we didn't know yet...) and how bad we need him to run this world the right way. I guess we've become a bit too into the political trail thanks to the rot Bush Jr. brought to us for 8 years. I mean, doesn't all the shit that's happened make you want to actually take on the most horrible of all topics, politics? No matter what, you can't escape something like this since it will affect your pocket money. America is pretty much broke from spending money it doesn't have. Our hatred for how things have gotten comes a bit from the idiots that think they can live like celebrities even if they work at McDonald's.

It's just been one long weekend for me. I'm tired, dog-fucking-tired after driving home only to go right to work. My lower-level boss is a complete asshole. Don't you love the types that talk down to you even if you know the little fuck needs to spend a couple days in a box with only two small holes to look out of?

So, bear with me. Sara and I had a long busy weekend and I need to rest. Last night, as always happens on Sunday nights, it takes us awhile to actually start to sleep. In bed by 11 but no actually sleeping til 1am? That's us. That's why I'm drained and that's why I barely remember turning towards Sara to tell her the comment from Summer about how if she had balls they'd be free to fly around in my shorts. Totally agree until you see what I'm hanging around with down there. Happy twats all around.

Swallow All My Pride

2008-08-20T20:33:00.001-07:00

"Old men should not be allowed the keys to a country when they don't even know how many homes they own."

-Me

"Give me Aerosmith or give me death!"

-Me

Yeah, I'm finding that I'll just add a bit to my older entry. What I've noticed is that I forget what I say so easily due to all the things I gather in my head from just what I do daily. Even the peacefulness of feeding ducks had my mind rambling on overload while holding a small dog back. Never thought 5-Pound Phooey wanted to kick some ducky ass.

I read in a recent interview that John McCain has no clue as to how many homes he owns. This troubles me. Why would anyone want someone that has never had money troubles to be our commander in chief? John has never had a payroll to work with nor employees underneath him. It's all been government and we all know how that goes. Their minds are deluded into thinking that everyone shops at Neiman Marcus when there is a sale or Macy's on a good day. I don't know about you but I've seen a lot of home foreclosures and many people having trouble finding jobs. To add insult to all this, McCain wants to keep many of Bush's economic policies, none have worked.

So, why Obama? Well, it's like I've been saying over and over. This is a man that just recently paid off his college loans. No one paid them for him, certainly not a rich trophy wife like McCain's. Hell, Obama admitted to having dabbled in a little blow in college. Who here doesn't have skeletons in his closet? This really disturbs me how so many people do not realize how important this election is. Why would anyone want to place someone that just a lighter version of Bush in charge? It's like that conversation I had with one of Sara's relative's grandpa. The world's just getting dumber all while thinking that a rich mean old man can bring us back to the greatness we once were. Oh, and let's add those people that continue to say that Obama doesn't have a plan. Please. Do you think someone that's gone this far doesn't have a plan or are you that pulled into Fox News each day?

When has the U.S. ever prospered under a Republican? Certainly not Reagan.

There is a certain beauty in what you do at night when things are a little chaotic. For me, any change in a long-time routine can make me edgy for some time. Lucky for me, there is Youtube. Even luckier, there are a lot of hardcore fans of Aerosmith to help me through a night of wondering if I will get through a new routine. Don't you just hate it when you cannot sleep?

Just me on the 'puter with Aerosmith's 'Hole In My Soul,' Jaded,' and 'Angel.' Gawd, I loved those songs and the videos are purely creative. Yes, even Angel, as dated as it is, has a special place for me because I remember all those times MTV actually played this video over and over. Steven Tyler's brilliance at telling us that 'loneliness took him for a ride' always stayed in my head because I've been there. Am I the only one that finds trips down memory lane the best way to get through confusion?

Let me be clear. My birthday is not until September 6th. Yes, I will be gone and will most likely receive my annual blowjob-all-day time. I'll probably be a bit tired because work really does kick my ass. The penis does need rest and relaxation before it's back into that spirit we all love, let the freak flag fly. I get the feeling Sara really loves giving head. What impresses me is that not once has she ever accidently used her teeth, something that all men dread.

So painful.

Since the kids are going back to school tomorrow, I'll just say that this is the time I assume Summer to be over. No more screaming morons in stores. No more slow black teenagers that cannot figure out how to move a little faster. No more spoiled white kids unable to stay off the phone while the salesclerk needs info on something about to be purchased. Don't parents every spank or teach manners these days?

For me, this Summer has been about 2 things I've learned go hand-in-hand, Summer Olympics and having so many porn channels. There is something weird about being able to turn on the ol' satellite and find hardcore fucking in both holes. I'm probably the only person that thought anal sex was forbidden from being sent over the tube but able to be bought and loved in the quietness of your own home. You tend to pick up a lot of things after seeing 'Bang My Enchilada.' She's not really Mexican and many girls cannot seem to remember to take off their high heels. Is it really necessary to keep 'em on? Or is your ass that great while wearing heels in bed? Can a college guy ever remember to take off his socks or do blondes with big tits use some kind of voodoo? Is it really sexy when a woman looks into the camera while large amounts of semen drip from her face? How many times have you girls walked into a washroom to find women up on the sink washing their pussies and shaving? Yes, some girls shake their pussy lips after they pee when they can't find any t.p. Midgets on tricycles can liven things up. Unfortunately, I am scared of little people.

Yes, it's true that I tend to get freaked out over midgets.

But the Olympics? Oh, my! I loved watching the women's gymnastics late at night. Here you be after a hard day at work to find other people under so much pressure that it makes your day feel easier. I love it that there are other people that put in all that effort to keep the health going instead of being like the typical lazy American the Turkish couple and I complain about. Michael Phelps? Got to see most of his moments in winning those gold medals. How do you top something so amazingly difficult, winning 8 medals?

By the way, I never thought I'd say this. The Playboy Channel taught me how a fortune cookie is made. That's always been something I've wanted to know.

Plus, it's not just a fortune cookie but a show where a guy barely out of high school has started his own porn making in his parent's house. The thing that annoys me about this is that he takes the time to criticize other porn videos as beneath him while his aren't much better. Ugh. There is nothing amazingly brilliant about making porn! You can spruce it up with as many characters as possible but it's really all about the fucking. You have to hit a certain fetish type as well since your best customers come from all walks of life. I'd say feet are a big area to hit. Have you ever seen how a footjob is done?

So, hang onto any birthday wishes and naughty thoughts about me and my time spent here wearing no undies. Been enjoying this 'freeballin' thing like a mean mutha' as there's freedom down there for things to move about. Loved how many smart vocal critics have said it best. If you haven't figured out who you're going to vote for in this presidential election, you are a moron and do not deserve any sort of freedom in these dire times. One word: Think. It's the only freedom you have left during these 8 years of the Bush Regime. Happy twats all around.

More Than A Card

2008-08-19T21:26:00.000-07:00

"I'm being a naughty blogger. Guess who's not wearing any 'support' underneath his basketball shorts!"

-Me

I'm questioning my possibility in going the douchebag route. I've been on a clothes obsession spree lately that doesn't seem to be able to stop. Ralph Lauren has stolen my heart. Damn him for making it difficult to find cargo pants, though. Not all of us follow the usual demographic when it comes to shopping for the good ol' RL. There is no giant bellow but small legs thanks to too many donuts in the boardroom meetings.

My upcoming birthday for September 6th has me worried. Yearly, it's something that brings along a lot of arguments over pointless things. Except, that's not the chief thing that I keep thinking about. Ever seen one of the most beautiful teen movies ever, Sixteen Candles? There was so much heart while holding on to the possibility that we can truly get through those gawky moments where horny Asian men can ride large Amazonian women on the exercise bike. My problem is that Sixteen Candles reminds me of that time not too long ago where my parents made me think that they forgot my own birthday.

C'mon, you wake up realizing today's the day you are exactly one year older than yesterday. Presents? Kisses on the cheeks? A horny grandpa telling you your tits are getting bigger? My parents made me think it meant nothing. Just a goddamn card with money. That's all I get on my birthday that makes me wonder why it is that I miss being a kid. Back then, get the money and go shopping for toys. Easy. Sentimental things meant nothing because the day was all about being a boy in a mound of dirt in the backyard.

Let me tell ya. Money only goes so far so that's why I like how Sara takes me out to dinner, just the two of us where we talk. Last time, it was Red Lobster because I crave seafood. Call it what you want. All I can say is that being with someone that shows she cares means a whole lot more than a pile of money.

Plus, who doesn't enjoy a good spanking? Birthdays are about being bent over and smacked pretty damn hard. If I'm extra good, I get something else massaged but you're probably eating while reading this blog. Should put up a warning that sexuality can bring about upchucking salad pieces onto a computer's screen.

So, there you have it. It's getting so close to my birthday that I dread and dread each closing day. I doubt anyone will wish me well because all I get reading this blog are lurkers galore. Ta-Ta. Happy twats all around.

H-O-A-R

2008-08-18T20:32:00.000-07:00

"And from the Internet, we get a whole new breed of boy!"

-Me

I've been sitting on this for a while. What I find myself hating so much is this new breed of boy, the troll that blogs about nothing being great enough for him, namely females, and spreading only hate by commenting with horrendous spelling skills. "Whore" is not H-O-A-R.

I'm a fan of Nastia Liukin, one of the American gymnasts that got a gold recently. She's unbelievably beautiful and you can really read how determined she is at reaching her goal. Never mind how weird it is to spend your whole life training to flip over things or keep your body so abnormally young. If that's what Nastia wants, then she has every right to go for it. People think I'm nuts for loving that high I get from the gym.

I came across a lot of mean comments on Nastia's appearance, namely that she is said to have a huge forehead. Boo. What is wrong with these boys devoted to picking on the appearance of someone so fiercely determined? Spending such insane amounts of time by using pictures to show any little thing about a young girl's appearance is disturbing. Breasts are too small? Legs too short? No ass or too much ass? Ears stick out? I'm not kidding about how there are boys that are upset about being left alone on a Friday night with just their hand and an X-Box. Those ugly boys with large amounts of pimples and no ability to dress without suspenders feel the need to bring others down.

Don't even get me started on the most disgusting comments on Youtube. I like Elton John's music and I can say with absolute certainty that I am not a faggot.

If rumors are correct, Playboy Magazine is going through tough economic times. Not only are they going to stop the lavish parties after their legendary Halloween one this year but the rapper, Lil Kim, might pose. That just disturbs the shit out of me. Hugh Hefner once had a prominent magazine that dared to challenge us. Back when there was so much racial inequality, Playboy interviewed Martin Luthor King, Malcom X, and Thurgood Marshall. Don't know who these fellas are? Get thee to the history room!

I think it was last year that I got upset with Playboy interviewing 50 Cent. The man has nothing worth talking about. It was the same negativity and ignorance that seemed to reinforce the black community's hatred for homosexuality. You see, it's common knowledge that 50's mom was bi but he kept spitting hatred for gays. To me, it's ridiculous that blacks would dismiss homosexuals' need to be accepted by telling us its unnatural for a man to be attracted to another man. Should we assume that all blacks are too dumb for school when a large majority cannot even pass high school these days? Of course not so no one should tell me that their ignorant beliefs are what's 'real.'

It's funny how much better Penthouse Magazine has gotten over Playboy, these days. Gone are the boring out of focus pictures under Bob Guccione's rule. There's still the usual up-close gyno shots of some lovely trimmed pussies and hair-plucked assholes. It's just that Penthouse is a bit more fresh and even catching up with better articles. Who knows when that will be when it comes to fully tickling my mind because there are still a few things that need a change. Alas, that is for another time.

Don't you dare say shit about all this. I've found that a lot of girls love to look at Penthouse and Playboy more than guys. They're much better than Cosmo's need to tell you what is wrong with you girls.

I wish there was some sort of rule as to how clothes by various designers fit. Tried on some Ralph Lauren cargo pants only to think I'm fat. Me? Hardly but these 33-waist sized ones were a bit too tight while every other pair of cargoes is too big. It's always the same. XX-Large in shirts when it comes to Calvin Klein and Ralph. Bastards. I'm not a fattie but these guys make me feel like it.

Yes, there is still that scent of sex in the air thanks to the Olympics. There really is a weird feeling of euphoria when watching bodies so well-trained going at it. My deaf co-worker says he has a thing for the track and field women. Normally, he doesn't like his black sisters. But these girls? Some guys love the muscles. I can just picture my poor ol' co-worker bent over and taking a dildo up his ass. He's short so it's most likely going to hurt his teeth.

So, I'm outta here as I try and catch up with Showtime's Weeds. Thanks to having all these porn channels, I get to pick various things that I missed in all my time as such an innocent lad that once though all porn was alike. Not so. There are some girls that tend to pretend that erect penises are a chance to pretend they are microphones. It's always the quiet ones. Hey, we boys love that, though, girls that bring a bit of flavor to the sex. Happy twats all around.

Hard Nights

2008-08-17T20:40:00.000-07:00

"There's something about a hot summer night's sticky moments."

-Me

Nothing like finding out a large bill due soon is actually much lower. If there is one thing I dread more than car insurance, it's gotta be my gym membership. Even though I choose the cheap student rate, it's still up there at making me feel like I'm ripped off. This year saw a lot of urinal explosions in the locker room (stank piss really, really reeks on carpet), various equipment needs to have things replaced, and the fact that the manager fired a lot of the people that made the gym so much fun has me wondering if it's at all worth it. The membership may have to be only paid 3 times a year but its still a wonder.......

Many weekends for this summer, I've spent time wondering if I am just catching up with the beauty of sleep. The amount of water I lose at work and in the gym is absolutely disgusting. This all causes me to sleep so much more than usual. No longer am I able to wake early without a care in the world. It's a force to be reckoned with when it comes to getting my head up off those pillows.

I'm a Fall type of person. Give me cool air. Watch me enjoy the sound of trampled leaves. Bring me to a place where I'm happy wearing my fancy clothes. Fall is when I look good in my gray leather jacket that just screams for me to get a motorcycle to ride around on.

Remember the Turkish couple? I found myself talking to the husband for almost an hour. Nice little guy that got my humor when it comes to the average moronic American. It's likely that there are some out there are worried about Russia invading the great state of Georgia, our Georgia.

I'm still getting asked about my accent. This little guy keeps insisting that I sound Australian while others insist I sound a bit European to the point that it's unknown where still. I love this. Sara insists she hears nothing when it comes to an accent while an ex says I totally sound mid-west. It's my opinion that I pick up how I talk by where I am at the time. Down south? I can drawl, y'all.

But what is Summer without the thoughts of sex? It's insane but I have a theory on something. I think the Olympics have caused an enormous amount of sexual energy needing to be released by all. I'm serious. Have you seen the images on the sites following the Olympics? Women's asses from volleyball to track and all the way to gymnastics. Never mind the fact that some girls are barely 16. These bodies were meant to sell.

How can they not? It's well-known that thousands of condoms are given out during the Olympics. All those toned tight bodies need a way to release all this major stress. Hardcore fucking is at its best! It would be insane to think that bodies like that can control themselves. I can just see it now. Romanians fucking Italians and that's just the girls with their two-way dildos.

I must confess that I'm in love with the Olympics. Did this 4 years ago, where I watched late at night. Now, it's like I feel this lust lingering in the air. Others must be feeling it, too. One Asian guy got caught fucking a park bench and had to have help getting his penis out between the wood. Can you imagine that? Being surrounded by a bunch of people tearing up portions of a bench that you just had to fuck is pretty damn embarrassing. Guess those images of women's bikinis wedged up the crack to show major portions of pink parts can really get to a guy.

Let me put it this way: If Misty May wanted someone to clean her panties with his tongue, I'd volunteer. Come Winter, maybe not.

Already, there are various blogs and threads started where women competing in the Olympics are given much devotion. More likely, lust. Camel toes are discussed and examined with the most articulate eye given out by the teenage male. I remember Sara talking about the 'bluges' packed tight in the men's swimming trunks.

Still......no one has balls like mine. No one.

So, I must be off in my land of lust. More gymnastics and my own take on what it's like to have every porn channel. It's Summer! You didn't expect me to whine like half the bloggers out there about how bad life is. Fuck that. The combination of semen and pussy juices in the air travel far and wide these days thanks to the light wind. Happy twats all around.

Foolish Naming Boy

2008-08-13T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Thanks, Honey!"

-Me (at the dinner table with Sara's parents)

Remember when I said Sara and I don't use pet names? Well, I have somehow gotten it through my thick Batman kevlar protected skull as an innocent habit. This all became more noticeable while having dinner with Sara and her parents on Sunday night. It just came out. "Honey." Ugh. I hate that pet name. Hate it! Sara's parents got a kick out of it by laughing. Sara did not.

Today is the way I like my nights. Sore all while slowly recovering from my long weekend where I was pretty much everywhere. There was a local World Series going on that I must attend. My love of baseball when it's pure wins out every time. Hell, we even got her dad to go so I could concentrate on the game while Sara asks consistent questions. There's a lot of, "Why is that number.....?" Unfortunately, I did not get to see the final game where everything was decided. For that, I'd have to be without a job.

That J-O-B? Ugh. Still tiring on my already sore body's need to recover from yesterday. There is nothing quite like being thrown into the deep end of a pool when there is a large piece of cement tied to your feet. Of all things, I had to work with the guy that consistently shits his britches. Like magic? Oh, there is nothing like the smell of shit from somebody's ass while a fan hits you square in the face. Nothing.

Like a duck to water, my little 5-Pound Phooey was happy to hit the daily walk in the park. This meant I got a lot of little licks on my face when I arrived home. You just cannot keep a good tough chick like this down. 5-Pound Phooey becomes a whole new dog when I arrive. She runs all around the room in a show of happiness. When I'm gone? A lot of moping around.

A weird thing happened during a watching of the Olympics. Remember my starving cat? It came back and basically wanted to know if I'd come out. There it was near the window looking at me. Of course, I came outside to see if what I saw was correct. She got adopted and put on some weight. Fat Cat went nuts by insisting I play with her on the apartment's porch area just like the old days. It's kind of weird how I have this effect on animals. One brings me dead baby birds as a sign of affection while the other belches and farts on my bed. Guess who is who.

So, I'm still in recovery from the past 2 days. Time will tell you when I'm ready to do a full entry again. To some, it's horrible to set foot in the gym but that's my sanctuary to release all those fuzzy little issues roaming within. I feel pretty good. Tired but good. Even better since Sara told me my chest is shrinking. I'm probably one of the few males that would like to have a smaller chest yet still retain a bit of muscularity. My balls will always be the largest of the land, however. Happy twats all around.

Mom, Are You Daft?

2008-08-12T20:57:00.001-07:00

"So, how much pussy do you think Michael Phelps is going to get (after winning another gold medal)?"

-Sara

Funny how when Sara turned to ask me this, I was about to ask her the same damn thing. My answer would be a little different than the one asked. Michael would be allowed to put it anywhere he wants for as long as he lives. Wow. According to Sara, 10 gold medals equals a lifetime of anal sex. I don't qualify.

Yeah, obviously, I am back. Just not in complete good spirits......yet. You would be, too, if you had to sit in a hot car for over an hour due to its overheating once again. The nice thing is that we now know what is wrong. The bad thing is that my mother thought I used the cell phone just to chat. Oh, yeah, sitting around on the interstate around the time I leave Sara's just brings me up this great opportunity to 'chat.' Yeah, because of this, my help did not arrive for a long time.

With all that in mind, my eyes have this nasty dry burning feeling going on. A hot car will do that so it's nothing that's a big issue. Plus, I'm tired and a bit cranky. The Olympics are on, people! Go root on the girls in their pursuit of gold. Cheer as you know Mr. Phelps will be getting some major ass upon arrival in the U.S. Laugh at how I read a book in pain due to issues with my eyes. I'll be back soon. Happy twats all around.

And Now For Some Brown

2008-08-07T20:27:00.001-07:00

"Welcome to my town. The Hispanics are raping the local college girls. Our holier-than-thou whites want the public to pay for a parking garage we don't need by increasing the fees. Our blacks? Not only can they fail schools so elegantly yet blame it on teachers but even their bullets in gunfights aren't hitting their intended targets. Gotta love my town!"

-Me

Nothing like listening to the local news to make you realize it's not just you. Someone at work slashed my tire. Yeah, that really pissed me off when I pulled into my driveway only to realize that my left front tire became fucking flat as a pancake. Now that I'm calm, I can look at it and replay all I know to figure out who did it.

Isn't it amazing when something that you have no actual action into can easily cause a fight with your parents?

Okay, here's the deal. I parked near the shady characters that work in a different section of where I work. Trust me. They're pretty damn shady. Whenever I enter a parking lot, I scan to remember whose car is where. Remember the owners. Strange how I thought that I'd be okay with parking near a girl that I swear must be a meth-head. Two of her friends are pretty freaky as well. Everyone else? Cool.

I came back to my car and noticed that the meth-head's was gone. They along with only a few know which car is mine. Too much of a coincidence. This girl had to have slashed my tire and I'm pissed. Well, not just at them but our inept guards that can't seem to catch all the crap that goes on in the parking lot. One girl (a real idiot) had her car broken into 3 times this year. That's what you get for leaving your purse in the front seat but I leave nothing worth taking. I'm just pissed as fuck that all those cameras and guards don't pay much attention to our things. It's all about their stuff and, yes, I always lock my car doors, too.

When something like this happens, a break-in or nasty stuff that leaves you feeling like a loser, I go into this weird energy rage. Since this happened after work, I used it by working out in the storage room. Why not? I had no choice since I couldn't drive to the gym. Plus, I knew I'd come down and need the rest from all that burned energy. The workout did me some good because it cleared my mind and got me a bit calmer.

Found myself being flirted with in the bookstore before work. Nothing new there. It's when I was in the magazine section's photography area that I came across a book clearly read by teenage boys. Now, how would I know that? The pages where the pictures of boobies were was bent. For a boy, you'll never know when it's a clear emergency in desperate need of looking at tits.

What had me laughing, on further inspection (No, I was not looking at the titties of all sizes), was how the whole book was all about helping the most clueless of females. Do y'all really need that much help? I've known that just one zit can ruin your day but not knowing how to deal with a very serious wedgie makes me wonder.

The best part was the section devoted entirely to poo. Apparently, women do poop and there are some horrible situations that call for all sorts of help. There is nothing more agonizing than taking a monster dump only to find that your boyfriend or a potential one has to come in right after. What I love is when they added his family as the next people to walk in, as if everyone just comes right in after a girl poos. If that is a direct possibility, I recommend taking a brisk walk across the street into a McDonald's with a copy of Us Weekly. Just say that you need to take a call and hope the 'kids' don't drop off too early.

We're not done! Hell no! Women have so many problems when it comes to the bathroom that it's no wonder I've found my male roommates much cleaner than the girls next door. Wiping is a whole other dilemma where we must all rid the world of the most dreaded urban myth known to man, the skid mark. Oh lordy, I nearly lost it when a whole page was devoted to women getting them. Their solution? If the chaotic has happened where it's gonna take more than 7 wipes, wet t.p. under the sink's water. Good advice. Might want to pass that tip onto men but stay clear of the shit absorbing thongs. That's all they are. Really. Fat chicks leave behind pieces of KFC in theirs.

Then again, skid marks, to us males, are just 'battle wounds' that haven't healed yet.

I'm off to Sara's tomorrow. Don't wait up. After reading several stories from The Savage Sword Of Conan, I feel like a total barbarian. Whatever happened to a guy just going off in search of wealth and snatch? Reading through this graphic novel makes me want to enjoy having all this strength connected to a thick cock. You grab her after her first smirk. Hold her down on the bed. Yank those jeans off and smack that bare ass before plunging her pussy. Let's face it. I'm not that way. I'd turn to giggles when the shadows on the wall make silly puppets. Penises can be very distracting. Happy twats all around.

And It Is Written..........

2008-08-06T20:31:00.001-07:00

"I just hate coming to the gym. But afterwards? Oh, I go all whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!"

-Me (I love it when a fellow gym-goer understands instead of looking at me like I am a weirdo)

Wow. That's all I can say about today. Work had me so winded that I look back at all that and feel shock as to how much I did. Even one of my bosses took the time to tell me how impressed he was with what I did. The only problem is that it all starts again tomorrow.

Happy, happy joy, joy! Found out that my birthday next month will most likely mean a 6-day vacation thanks to the power of the almighty Holiday. That means I can be pampered like the prince I am for a longer period of time than I usually get. As boys, it is in the Rule Book under paragraph 36 that we are to receive blowjobs each day during birthday week. The reason for all the oral sex being donated to the males is only to those that are special in using their bodies to the max. In other words, blowjobs are to be given to the ones with some sort of muscle tone from all the care put into them. Video game enthusiasts and lovers of Cheetos need not get up out of such comfortable chairs for the Rule Book. It's not for them.

To all fatties, naughty, naughty! Make your girlfriend want to suck the knob by actually taking care of yourselves.

Today was nice in that I got to run into that European woman and her husband again. She's more of an artist while he's the business side. In other words, I feel like I'm looking at Sara and I 20 years down the line. Scary. Scary in that our conversation went all over the goddamn place. Try fitting muscles, my birthday, satellite TV, and Playboy all in one while a small dog snoozes on the business's walkway.

Our couple is from Turkey. At first, I thought this was a country known for harboring terrorists but luckily I remembered this as being wrong. I don't know why. Of course, I was corrected while the two argued over various things that came out of my mouth. You wouldn't believe how much satellite TV caused this couple to go into spats over little things. "Where are the satellites?" "How much do you pay a month?" It's always funny to watch a guy explain the business/science side to his sexy woman (she had her pants completely unzipped again).

Isn't it great when an older couple in amazing health has so much sex? The typical American doesn't want to fuck his fatass significant other while those that refrain from laziness keep getting it on.

This is only the second time I've really gotten to talk to the Turkish couple. The wife and I had that long conversation that some might call intrusive in a way. But I enjoyed it. It's fun to find someone fascinated with how I think, as weird as it sounds. Many things were agreed upon while having to explain how I got spinal meningitis at the age of 4 got a surprise understanding. Many people I know don't even know what it is. What I love? They both take time to exercise by walking. While this little guy used to be a much bigger soldier that I can imagine, she tells me how much she hates muscles. What's a guy to do? Lose 'em but keep fit.

As for me, I'm still doing what I can to tone myself down. It's gonna be awhile when it comes to ridding myself of the largeness in muscles into a more lean look. So far, nothing's stopped me in this pursuit.

A new poll stated that almost 50% of Americans are tired of hearing about Obama. Love the guy but, from the way I see it, many journalists have nothing to write about when it comes to McCain. This Straight Talk Express has been more about doing very little. Obama's really out there and bringing in people to hear him talk. Looking presidential and causing the other guy to use lame descriptions by comparing him to Spears and Hilton. Gotta love the power of Obama because old men can be so demented at times.

Plus, they tend to smell when left alone for a long period of time. Ladies, keep an eye on your husbands if they are over the age of 65.

So, I hope you accept my apologies for this weird entry. I'm feeling pretty good by concentrating on how I can rest next month. It's not easy finding a job that lets you take actual time off these days. Not that I'm going to veg. Hell to the no! When it comes to going to Sara's, I've got an art show to help her prepare for, a comic book sale, and the continual saga of visiting my gym and shouting out "Whoo-whoo-whoo!" like Daffy Duck. Happy twats all around.

My Birthday

2008-08-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Since when do you even admit to liking body hair!?!"

-Me (wondering about Sara's comment during a bonfire)

So, it's come to this. All of a sudden, work has increased so suddenly that I'm kind of confused. Do I like being there for a longer time? I know a couple co-workers are happy to find me still there instead of taking that long walk out the door. You know it well. Those sad faces that get even sadder because you, my friend, get to see sunlight.

Creativity? Gone! Gone like yesterday's fart. I've become so tired once I finally get to rest, after the gym and walking my dog. Sure, it would be nice to just sit my sore butt down but I get growled at if I do. Want to get skinny? Get a dog with attitude. There's just no beating the furry friends when it comes to getting exercise.

Tomorrow will make it one month til my birthday. Oh lordy, I'm just not ready for this. September 6th is something I dread each and every year. How the hell did I end up still alive after all the near car crashes, idiotic messes, and near drunken scariness? I still remember telling a friend that there is no way I am going to live past 25. Been there. Done that.

I feel sorry for Sara when it comes to my birthdays. What do you get a boy that has everything? While I can easily say that I like things that show you KNOW me, people constantly go for getting me things that aren't necessarily my forte. Give me a giant collage of pictures consisting of the one and only queen of my cinema, Keira Knightley. Find a white t-shirt that proudly displays a small image of the Batman's enemy, The Joker. Playboys from the late 1970's always make me laugh because it was nice to see bush, even if it was a bit much. Tell me I no longer have to pay for beer for a whole year for its on you. That book that the sex blogger, Violet Blue, talked about where a beautiful woman exposed herself in various public places. Just show me you know what I am about.

To give you an idea, I am wearing a t-shirt Sara got me a while ago. It's a Miller High Life one that has the most softest feel to it. I wear it a lot and, yes, it accentuates my biceps and chest perfectly.

No, I'm not a stingy ol' fuck like some people. I love getting people things after putting some thought into what they're all about. Get over yourself. It's fun to make others happy instead of using excuses to deflect from what a cheap ass you are.

So, life this weekend? Always busy. Always. It's impossible to remember things due to all that going here and there. It's almost like I remember things in portions like watching the Dukes Of Hazzard movie with Sara's friends, Eric and Andria. 2 kittens fell asleep in Eric's lap. Watching a tiny little orange kitten slowly lose its balance due to falling asleep is the greatest. Also, watching one accidently start a fight by slapping the other while attacking a string is great. Wish I could be around cats for a longer amount of time. Dogs are just better.

The problem with kittens is that they grow up to be cats. Kittens provide more entertainment than I can handle. Forget the TV. Watch a couple stalk each other while one attempts to use the litter box.

Friday was spent walking around the downtown area with Sara because she wanted to check out the art scene. Local artists put up various things to show or sell. There were $50 paintings and others up to $1,500. I had two that I loved while Sara found a few that she liked. The nicest thing is that the arts tend to bring about alcohol. Wine was in her hand while I had free beer. Trust me. If guys knew they could have free beer, there would be more of 'em walking around acting as if they knew what a piece of art stood for.

There was a lot of cheese, too!

Saturday brings a tradition that had been put on hold, Beer Trek. It's simple. You drink beer while watching old Star Trek episodes. Reminds me of Playboy's putting up movies on their Movie Nights. The only thing missing is someone standing up and explaining the history of the episode, only we drink when various things come up. Bones says he's a doctor? Drink! Looks like Captain Kirk got some alien nookie? Drink!

We're weird. We don't care what you think when we're having fun down in the downstairs area of a house. There's lots of beer, two kittens, and a discussion on the porn star, Ron Jeremy. Just doing that reminds you that even the cleanest of people have taken the time to watch some good ol' porn.

So, I leaveth you here. I've got a few things to do as I had dreams that my birthday was all about 2 of the directors of my favorite Batman flicks came by with Prince to play a special concert. Gawd, I loved "Batdance" and "Party Man." Plus, various stars came to wish me, in Joker face paint, the time of my life. That's what it's all about. Enjoy it while you can. Fuck the world. Learn to accept the music of Prince. Happy twats all around.

Babe. Not the Pig

2008-08-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Thanks, babe."

-Me (doing my best to annoy Sara at Target)

I've always found pet names to be too corny for me. Sure, people have them for each other when it comes to being a couple but why? I don't mind the occasional 'sweetheart' but 'hon' and 'sweety-poo' will only irritate me. I'm going to go for the hypocritical route by saying that I get a kick out of old people doing it. When a 70-year-old woman yells out to her husband, "Bitch, get in here!" I get a good laugh.

Though, I do understand the moment when you are in trouble, the full name comes out. Somehow, upon buying a couple of toys at Target, I got a "Michael" instead of the usual "Mike." Of course, that also comes with a certain look.

Loved getting home with no car trouble. Just me on the interstate at a reasonable speed, unlike last time at 90mph. Too much construction on the way made the drive even slower.

Wasn't MTV's True Life segment on deafness cool? I got really lucky to see that because I just happened to be passing channels when I woke up.

I'd like to write more but I've had a very long day. Work went longer than usual on this hot, hot day that found me almost throwing up. My plain white t-shirt looked like a hose hit it full blast. There was no workout due to the very large loss of water that made me so drained when I came home. 5-Pound Phooey, on the other hand, continued to insist I take her on a walk. Impossible. I attempted a nap that was interrupted several times by her need to run along my back. My batteries need a recharge because I've now got shopping to deal with tomorrow. There's lots to tell since Sara and I ended up stuck seeing a movie filled with pathetic attempts of action. If you've seen The Dark Knight, you'll know that movies can be made to greatness. The new Mummy was not even close. Happy twats all around.

Obama Knows Tits

2008-07-30T21:30:00.001-07:00

"You wanna know what would cause me to need a moment to pause? A woman with gigantic fake tits telling me to be honest with her. Just what the fuck is she selling?"

-Me

"Obama should be considered the same as Britney Spears? Sounds like a certain 72-year-old is jealous of someone that is looking mighty presidentially sexy. Those old-timers can sure bring out the best quotes."

-Me (Once I heard McCain said that about Obama)

Hi, Just came around here on something else. I'm probably one of the few individuals that still love Huey Lewis And the News. Do you know those days? Ah, when MTV announces a new video by them, it was huge. "Doing It All For My Baby" was the last one I remember from those great 80's. Why do so many people say they try to forget them?

See, that's pretty much it for me on a H-O-T Thursday. I'm sitting here looking up lyrics to 'Heart And Soul' and trying to figure out why I am the perfect target for a little brown boy on a bike. You'd think that my size would warrant an easy avoidance but....no. Inches from crashing into me while I walked 5-Pound Phooey (off to my left sniffing things). The little boy's guide/escort or whatever was a young brown woman that would not stop staring at me. Yes, I'm shirtless (almost spelled 'shitless' instead) but in no mood to be flirted with. If it's not this young girl, it's the older parents that stared at me on the park bench the day before. Brown women must really go for the guys that look like they can be dominated by. Or maybe just a guy that smells better than what they've got. I pretty much stunk in the park so it must be the looks.

We've got Muslims. You've got annoying too talkative co-workers while I've got smelly people that stink so bad before work even begins. Think about it. I spent a great deal explaining to you about the heat I must deal with at work. Think how bad it gets for those that don't believe in smelling good. My deaf co-worker kept using sign language to tell me from across the area that the Muslims smell like shit. Lovely.

Found a debate between teens on a forum. Found myself wondering the same thing. Why don't more black women work out? There's hardly any in my gym. Guys, yes. Women? No. When we do get the occasional black woman, it's mainly the biggest ass you've ever seen type. Booty claps? More than likely. With an ass that big, how the hell does a boyfriend find the hole to put his dick in? Does he just guess?

Gonna leave for Indiana on Friday. In case you don't keep up with current events on my life, the last time I came home on the interstate brought back some real horror. No one wants to ever have their car quit on them in such a situation. Well, I got to experience it and learned to love a 6-fingered man.

So, how would you react to learning that you're stuck on an interstate? My first reaction? Total panic for a few minutes but then I learned to relax and enjoy the scariness. It tends to bring about adrenaline within me that I cannot describe. My only annoyance was with the loudness brought by the speeding trucks going by constantly. Yeah, it's loud and hard to hope my parents heard me on the cell phone. Why oh why did I get into the situation where even my phone was close to death's door? Two calls out and it was total darkness.

It's weird how I felt okay with getting out of my car and sitting on the trunk. Just watch the cars go by. You don't realize how fast 80 miles per hour is until you've watched the interstate close up without moving. One little slip and I aint got no head.

Keep in mind, it was extremely hot that day. Sitting in the car would have been far worse. Wish I could have saved that batch of cookies that rode shotgun with me on my way home.

No one stopped. I was fine with that because I tend to drive by the occasional stranded individual at times without stopping. With everyone needing a cell phone, it's in my world to be okay with it. They'll call. They'll find a way. No more hitchhiking with total strangers. Though, I still do not recommend picking up someone holding an axe and standing next to a case of beer without a stitch on. Ignore your boyfriend if he insists you stop so you can share the beer.

That's why I don't travel with an axe BUT I do have a fancy little light that gives off the Bat Signal. I'm Batman, dammit! But even he needs some help, sometimes.

So, the big question is whether I will get to Sara's or have to make that dreaded call that I'm fucked and no one will pick me up because I look like a stressed out cubicle worker with no future for sentimental poetry.

Sara sent me a link to this story that's been bugging me a little. Keira Knightley is upset over a studio's wanting to change various pictures of her by adding tits, or the look of actual cleavage. If that's the case, why didn't they hire an actress with such mountains of grandeur? Keira's unbelievably gorgeous and known for not having tits. Now, accept her for who she is. Not every girl out there has more than a man's handful. Not all of us males want women to have such things. I'm all for the tiny titties, more than a mosquito bite, but tiny.

I've only dated one girl with major tits yet had no idea as to what to do with them during sex. There would be a lot of males that would have enjoyed playing with these things but it felt so foreign for me to lust after them. Completely fine with a tit job and 'motorboatin'' but nothing in the way of hand play.

So, I hope y'all stand up and cheer on Keira in her fight to end this assumption that all women need massive cleavage to be considered worthy of our attention. Better yet, let's add some intelligence to McCain where he should stick to the facts of life and not about the sexiness of Obama. It's always the ugly ones that get jealous of those that walk around like their dicks have just been greased by a woman's maidenhead. Happy twats all around.

Bottomless Party

2008-07-29T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Do you, like, sit quietly or does your mother have to give you candy to keep you from squirming?"

-Me (What I asked my boss when he flaunted his haircut today)

Weird start of a day. I got kissed by a girl and it wasn't Sara. Apparently, my friend from Brazil that I have not seen in the gym for some time missed me. Yeah, little ol' me in the Best Buy parking lot gets the greeting that confuses us Americans. Do we kiss the cheek back as well? I'm always lost on this.

All this reminds me of what I miss about my gym, the old gang. You can take the Brazilian girl, add Slutwatcher, Kim, Gay Nick, and so on that made the drippings of sweat so much better. Now, it's become a place of focused boredom. The Brazilian girl would listen to me talk of various things that drove me nuts when it came to Sara. Slutwatcher would try to distract me by telling me which college girl had her legs open enough that he could see the color of her panties. Kim, going through the boredom of no longer having a husband, would make me laugh with tales of her cock sucking skills being put to no use. Gay Nick would tell me which celebrities were hiding the fact that they were gay. I miss my tales of what went on in the gym.

There's really not much to tell you. I'm sleeping so much more thanks to the unbearable heat. All t-shirts end up being peeled off me before I find myself enjoying the sweet, sweet feel of the hot water taking away the day's sweat. I lose so much water everyday that I no longer am able to wake up at my normal times.

I'll give you an idea as to how hot the conditions I deal with begin in the first 5 minutes at work. Since you do not have balls and have not experienced the feeling of having to peel them off your thighs like I do, I'll do this. Yes, there is a reason 'hot as balls' is used by us males to warn other males. Let's say you have walked in the woods wearing super tight dark jeans. The weather is extremely hot at 110 degrees, the humidity is unbearable to the point that you wouldn't care if you exposed your breasts to the local small town folk with shotguns, and meanwhile thanks to being lost in the woods, you left a nice little explosion behind the bush thanks to the Taco Bell you had earlier. Yeah, that asshole itches like hell with combined icky feeling between your legs where you wouldn't want your boyfriend's face near there unless he's a mindless smelly-pussy-eating-zombie thanks to losing all his sense of smell but you have to keep going or you will die. That's how I feel when I'm at work.

Ah but it rained. Lordy, lordy was it great to know rain came down hard tonight. Would have preferred it happened this afternoon but beggars can't be choosers.

I've learned that not paying so much to politics can help. As they say, 'ignorance is bliss.' All that bullshit back and forth from those evil Republicans upset that Democrats finally have a say again just gets to a young feller like moi. There's only so many floodings. tornadoes, celebrities caught drunk driving, and spoiled athletes a guy can take when it comes to getting his news. Don't make me sad. Make me glad with a good old shark attack that got that mean ol' fisherman with no respect for the sea.

So, I endeth your mindless entertainment here after watching the sequel to Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. While the first is a very good classic stoner movie with heart that showed us the stereotypes of being brown and Asian, this one was not quite up to par with that. Why oh why do people lose their ways when it comes to a good quality sequel? Batman Begins's sequel, The Dark Knight, was a beautiful film in bringing us to a world where even the good guys find out that their trying to protect the innocent can also bring out the worst in people. Harold & Kumar only had one thing, a 'bottomless party,' where, you guessed it, all people attending must not wear shoes, socks, panties, and pants. Lovely to see a beautiful girl answer the door in what looks to be an amazing job on trimming her pubes. I'd drop to my knees to reclaim any part of my spirituality and thank thee for bringing back some of the bush. Then again, the reality part of me would hope everyone placed a towel before sitting down on the furniture. Happy twats all around.

My Bod And Soul

2008-07-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

"I'm probably one of the few people to get emotionally sad when he hears a large shark has been caught."

-Me

I hate it when I see fishermen surround a large shark hung up on a hook. Yeah, I know it's all about boys being boys on whose got the bigger dick. I get it. It's just that with overfishing in the ocean and the beauty of great whites/makos/hammerheads/bulls/nurses, there is no need to tell everyone to look at what you brought out with your fishing gear. First of all, sharks give up easily because their energy is not like a human's. Your only problem after wearing this amazing animal down in a matter of less than an hour is getting it into the boat. A 25-footer can weigh well over 1,000 pounds so it's not all about expertise. There is no Jaws. It's a fictional tale, a serial killer shark. Leave them alone so our ocean can continue to thrive.

Gawd, I hate that. It was a California fisherman that caught a very large mako shark that got me in a small fit of rage. I'm probably the only person that would smile if he had fallen in only to get bitten. Lose a leg. Save a shark.

Today, I don't like my body. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's nice having below 10% bodyfat. Yeah, it's nice to be looked at and hear Sara say, "Did you hear what they said about your arms!?!" My favorite moment would be when Sara and I had dinner together that ended up with a teenager about to get up and start something with me but took one look at my bulging forearms. He sat right back down. Thanks to my birthday coming up, I'm wondering if I should just enjoy what all my insanity in a gym has brought.

My bones creak, yo. I'm tired of buying my Calvin Klein button downs in size XX-Large because my arms barely get through an X-Large. I'd rather be relaxed than worry about how I'm going to handle that bar with 3 plates waiting for me at the gym. In other words, my change in workout has resulted in me wanting to change everything else.

You want to know how to really workout? Go to exhaustion on each set. Do this for 4 or 5 exercises on different areas of muscle. Biceps and back one day. Chest and triceps the next. Your body will melt fat so easily if you follow this format by going crazy for 4 to 6 days a week. It's weird how I am taking on this new form of push-ups with such gusto. Sara and her dad like to ask me about how I can descend down between 2 weights turned upward. No one I know does it. No one I know can handle it.

For once, Obama irked me. Another stimulus package!?! Are you fucking nuts!?! Our drunken idiot of a president already did one that shouldn't have been done in the first place. $300 does nothing. The smart ones put it in savings. The idiots went out and bought designer clothes. Obama, I still love you so we'll forget about this little boo-boo.

Somehow, I've gotten over trivial conversations in the gym. Spent time talking about getting shots for my cat allergies back when I had cats here. No sports. No pussy. No laughing at farts. It was all about how bad I feel when I spend time around cats. Or more exact, it's the saliva we're allergic to.

So, I'm going to head on up to go through my nightly ritual of falling asleep to various porn channels. I'd try others but their programming is so boring these days. The only one of note was this weird flick called 'Definitely, Maybe' with Ryan Reynolds. It's okay but where do you find kids with this much knowledge so soon? If all children came like that, I'd be fine with someone that had more than 2 kids. As soon as their out of the womb, it's right to work for these kids. Careers begin at the age of 7. Cell phones must be earned and not given out like candy, dammit. Happy twats all around.

Some Bushes Are Good

2008-07-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

"It's pretty obvious we're stuck together."

-Me (to Sara)

Found myself sitting outside on the backyard's deck. On some days, you'd find me thinking about how impressed I was to have spent a hell of a lot of my summer working on it. All that wood, hammering, and tearing up old portions of the deck, it was quite a summer. Not this time. All I could do while my dogs were busy peeing on as many things as they could, I stared at the only types of wasps I love, cicada killers. Gawd, they are unbelievably gorgeous.

I'm sure there are people that will gasp. Wasps aren't in the much loved department with good reason. They're annoying, for one thing. Cicada killers are a little different. They live to kill cicadas and hang around flowers. I sat near 3 small ones that were obviously new to the world, thanks to popping out of the remains of a cicada. They'll grow quite large with an orangish color that swirls a bit near their black abdomen. It's the colors and how large these wasps are that I admire.

You've gotta find beauty somewhere in this world, folks. Just be glad you don't have dogs that come by and pee on your bare feet like mine do.

I've had a pretty good weekend thanks to having something to take my mind off this world's insane political struggle. How you decide on voting is up to you. I go with integrity and how much I feel a candidate is being honest with me. Obviously, with that in mind, I can find no love of McCain. None. His 'Straight Talk Express' has been nothing but bullshit that I hope others can see through as well.

What's been taking my mind off of things is my personal planning in getting rid of my old comic book collection. Man, it's a lot! When you add up the possible dollar amount, it's way past $3,000. But why would I sell something that's been important to me?

It's simple. A part of me has grown up, all but slowly. Remember that epiphany I had a short while back? I've watched various people take on the world and wish to join them. Bald-O's bought a house. Sara's friends also bought one, a very nice one that somehow ended up with 2 very friendly kittens that you just cannot ignore while visiting. I've been dreaming of what to do with my own place, artwork and all.

I'm pretty sure I'll end up with Sara. Scary thought. We have things that make us complete opposites of each other but I like that. I like the idea of a girl going off and doing her own thing, like painting. Me? Who knows what I'm all for. I'm the type that blends in with various groups while his girlfriend is off at an art show. On the couch drinking with boys? So there. In the gym trying to see if I can beat my own personal distance record on a treadmill? Possibly. At a convention with nerds as someone starts a sissy fight over whether Captain America really is dead? In my heart of hearts.

No one likes to think of it. You reach a certain age and you kinda grow up. Not all the way. No-no-no-no! I will never completely grow up because that's when your heart dies. The creativity has flown forth from your body and you spend 8 hours in a cubicle while the other hours are spent in front of the TV. Why not walk around downtown to see the latest offering of local bands? An art show? Tackle the impossible by ice skating? It's no wonder I enjoy a nice stroll over the bridge in Sara's town.

From my list of lists, all I have left to get is a 50-inch high definition TV with all the trimmings. No thickness but a very thin flat screen so that there is space enough. I can see cold winter evenings getting warmer thanks to another viewing of Mr. And Mrs. Smith over and over again thanks to the power of Blu-Ray high definition. That's pretty much the first thing I want to do with money made from this personal garage sale of comic books. We'll see how I do.

As I've said before, my house or apartment has to have something unique. My movie posters are going to be framed. No biggee. It's what I want to do every now and then to see if anyone that visits notices. Since I have so many, I want to switch them around. A Sopranos might be up on Tuesday but, all of a sudden, there is a James Bond original! Just how did I get a For Your Eyes Only? I'm still impressed that, at a young age, I saved a lot of movie posters that are now worth quite a bit. The original Friday the 13th? Got one of those, too! That's from 1980, folks. Try and get one of those in the condition I have mine in. I just want to express my love of movies in that way, the feel of a movie theater in the main room. Artwork in another.

You have your dreams and I have mine. Many times, I find myself scouring over pictures of how others designed their apartments or homes. Color schemes and taste in artwork are what get me curious. Bare walls just don't do it for me. Live to express. What tickles your bones? I always want to know what gets to people. Sara would tell you that I love ass. I asked her why and she pointed to the various pictures on the side of my bookshelf.

A part of me just wants to entertain. I want people to feel welcome but also to know I love a lot of things. Name a toy from childhood. Tell me a favorite movie or TV show. I've probably seen it or have it. There's nothing quite like reminiscing over things from our past yet staying in the present. That's probably why I make a good packrat. There are memories absorbed into so many of my things.

So, I'm outta here. Things are a little better with me now. Friday was a day where I was just a bit mad at various things going on. How many think that life will get better once Bush is out of office? It's quite immediate, huh? While the economy/recession isn't completely his fault, a lot of it is so it'll be nice not to hear about the latest increase in jobless claims. Though, it might be nice if the latest Penthouse Pet Of the Year starts the trend of women bringing back some good old bush down there. It's amazing how foreign it felt to find a woman spreading her legs while a medium amount of dark hair covered her crotch. Razor companies would cry foul. Happy twats all around.

Fuck This

2008-07-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

"Hug it out, bitch."

-Entourage

Know what scares me? Finding out that one of my friends just lost a nice job as a manager of Starbucks. Hate the place but still........a friend's a friend. 27 Starbucks are going to close in Illinois. One of them happens to be the one I am mentioning. Scares the shit out of me that there is a 50% chance that a lighter version of Bush could be elected president. The world does not have the ability to stay alive with something old and cranky.

That's my thought of the day. I'm not interested in writing anything else. People don't blog much anymore so why should I?

Enter The Joker

2008-07-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

"We'll get wild and crazy!"

-Quiet Riot

Just another day. That's what I had to tell myself after yesterday's mishaps at getting home, to work, and trying to settle my already scrambled mind. Throughout the day, I could only feel like I am so behind and scared at how fragile things can get when faced with no way to get home. I'm so lucky I found Flipper but still shake my head at how blunt he was with what he loves.

'Pussy.'

A very large guy with only 6 fingers can become obsessed with what he cannot get.

Seen the new Batman flick? Oh lordy, how demented and delightful did that bring my hopes on Sunday? Pretty much everything was such a thrill, Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker and our love of Batman, the Dark Knight. As crazy as it sounds, the two complete each other. One battles his demons by helping to rid the city of crime. The other? What demons? Enjoy 'em! Chaos can only bring about the beauty in violence.

I'm sure you've heard thousands of stories about how Heath Ledger became The Joker. It's great for me to say that it's all so good. Batman has been a comic that I've loved for years, where it's a dark world that is inhabited by some of the most amazing evil geniuses. The Joker, very well-known, is one of them. Seeing Heath release a very demented form of genius by staring so scarily at the camera or at his main nemesis, Batman, brought me to my knees. In no way was this character shown as something to admire but more along the lines of marveling at how mad someone can become. Just how did The Joker get those scars? In the movie, there were two explanations but which is true? Or was it all one big joke to a guy that enjoys using knives because it brings out more screams?

One thing I loved was that there was no explanation as to why The Joker did what he did. It's up to you to try and figure out his need to blow up the hospital, school buses, and crash parties just to torture those seen as more beautiful. No more of that pathetic attempt to tell us that The Joker killed Batman's parents (It was Joe Chill, a street thug) like Tim Burton's version did. It's just plain madness to see a man riding a cop car with his head out the window after blowing up the police station.

Gloriously beautiful, no?

It's fascinating to see a person delve so deep into a character. What drove me to near nerdgasms was those pictures from the movie used to whet our appetites. There was the Joker in a prison cell, smeared make-up and a sneer as if there is more to come while wearing clothes damaged from an unknown battle. Wasn't that street fight impressive? Could you stand there as a motorcycle comes at you as if you're just dying to see what death is like?

If there was one thing that annoyed me about the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight, it was that it felt a slight bit of laziness. Too many hostage situations. Can't think of what to do with a character? Put in a hostage situation. In fact, put in 2 or 3 more! People get rescued only to have another set being placed near death's door.

Sara and I went to see The Dark Knight on Sunday afternoon. Packed fucking house! There was 8 of us in all. While the girls had a few problems with the hostage issues and one didn't like seeing the hospital blown up, pretty much all of us loved it. Never thought I'd see The Joker in a nurse's outfit having trouble walking due to the short skirt.

The Dark Knight is not for the kids. After our showing ended, we saw a little one on his way in with his mom. Nothing like seeing one dressed up as Batman but not for this flick. No way. Far too violent and dark for a kid to watch The Joker act out his need to terrorize. I'm still shocked that The Dark Knight got a PG-13 rating when it was clearly an R. If I was still 8 or 9, my parents would forbid me from seeing this movie. Much of my little kid life was spent being told sex is okay but violence is not something I'm ready for. Geniuses. My parents paved the way for me to see the beauty of a penis penetrating the vagina.

Of course, a lot of other things happened. Spent a lot of my Saturday up in Chicago where the nice houses are near Lamborghini dealerships. Sara's cousin lives up there and this is only my second time meeting the guy. The first being when I pissed off my girlfriend by coming to her house unexpected.

Some girls don't like surprises.

So, I must be off as I hope many of you take a look at The Dark Knight. Heath really went all out on this one to the point that Sara and I debated whether this is Oscar caliber material. I say no only in thinking that the Academy doesn't recognize movies where material is found in comic books. Yes, there are amazing characters and situations to put up for all to see but a place where old men still rule doesn't quite mean a love for all. I'm going to see The Dark Knight again, by the way. It was that fucking good, 2 hours and 32 minutes good. That police car scene, the street fight, and interrogation room mishap are reasons enough. Happy twats all around.

Flipper Found Me

2008-07-21T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Of all the stories to open up with, you just cannot make up getting a ride with a guy that has only 6 fingers."

-Me (to the guy that gave me a ride after my car broke down from the heat)

It was inevitable. After all that time spent driving West and East on the interstate, I was going to have car trouble eventually. Lucky for me, it was right near an exit that I know well. Lucky for me, I only had to pull my car over to the side and hop over a very sharp fence to get help. Yeah, to bring even more sorrow, my cell-phone didn't quite charge last night. Bad luck versus good luck. Lucky for me, most of the good was in my favor thanks to a guy nicknamed "Flipper."

How's that to ya? I got a ride home with a guy that has 4 fingers missing from his right hand. He's not shy about it at all. Those missing digits got pulled off by a horse that carried off some strong rope around his hand. Freak accident? Oh, yeah! Nice guy to do what he did and nice conversation. Of all the things to come out of his mouth, it had to come after he told me he doesn't care about the new Batman movie.

"Pussy."

Ask a guy what he loves more than anything else and this is what he says. Gotta love the honesty. I guess an unmarried guy with a very deformed hand gets more love out of the female anatomy than a superhero flick's glow. Of course, I laughed. I'm all for the blunt and surprising shit rather than going through the usual sob story.

Anyway, my car is fine. The heat got to it so bad that the engine needed to be cooled off. My last trip to the car shop found me without a/c. Yup, you try driving in this weather without a cool feeling of air during this time of year. My dad's slowly working on bringing it back even if the place I took it to seems to fuck it up yearly.

So, I am leaving you here for now. I'm home all because of Flipper and my own insanity of hoping over a fence with sharp edges to keep intruders out. There are cuts to prove it and Mom's making brownies for the guy that got me home. All's right in the world and, yes, I did see the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight. Sara is fine, too. We'll talk later. Happy twats all around.

Just Give You One Mic

2008-07-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Weird pussies"

-One of the common searches that my blog comes up on

Just what the hell is a 'weird pussy?' Is it the outer lips being an odd color? Size? What of the inner lips? Too much like a sea monster about to break free from its shell? I've seen a lot of vaginas/pussies/cunts but not many that I'd define as 'weird.' Every girl is different when it comes to what she is packing between her legs just as any guy suddenly unzipped will show a girl something different than the last cock in her face. Some penises curve while others are straight as an arrow. My ex, Jen, loved how the veins on a penis are placed, wiggly or solidly straight. Some people have too much time on their hands when it comes to using computers at work.

Black girls as ugly? This one is new to me because I got into a little discussion with my deaf co-worker that didn't quite finish. I noticed that he was watching a very beautiful black girl walking to her work area. Nice face and body. My co-worker then used sign language to state that she was fine so I asked him what his definition of this was. According to him, a beautiful black woman is one that doesn't have the darkest of skin but a 'light brown.'

I've always found skin color odd to discuss. Black people were black. White people were white. Indians are brown. Mean old people are shriveled up shrews. Life is simple again. Can we go back to it?

I'm getting the gist that black people with the the darkest of skin are not quite as attractive as those that have a lighter skin tone. Mind you, this is coming from a black guy with very dark skin. Does my co-worker need a beatdown in the worst way? Or is he right? I've very rarely seen a black guy with a woman this is just as dark as he is. Many black guys seem to go for white women of the large variety, namely ass or tits, while many white guys avoid these types of women. According to my other black co-worker, it's all about that A-S-S. When you push your dick in there, it's gotta have some sweet cushion to slam into.

So, can we get an honest account of how weird all of us are?

I'm white. In fact, I'm so damn white that much of me could be considered a ghost since there is a lot of paleness. I once got called "Mike, The Friendly Ghost" by a girl I once had a major crush on. It's been stuck on me ever since and even Sara brings up things like that. No melanoma on me, ma. Apparently, I'm still attractive since the girl I work with that likes to feel my chest up is black.

I dunno. It's a weird thing how I've suddenly had to rethink things when it comes to attraction. What does it for you? I'm always curious as to why people sleep with a certain 'type.' It's not too far off to say that a lot of girls go for guys that remind them of their dads. Sounds creepy but it's more along the lines of security. Dads always made their little girls feel safe and snug at night. If not, there's a .45 and a shovel for any asshole with an erection.

When I go to a shooting range with Sara's dad, I will make sure he doesn't bring a shovel.

So, I will be away this weekend. Friday is going to start out with those of us not invited to a wedding. 4 in all. Doesn't matter because it's over an hour away, it's hot as hell, and we don't know the people as well as the others doomed to sit with very religious. If there is an open bar, I can forget about the pain from listening to how great this Jeezus guy is.

Forget the water to wine. Can he give boners to those that desperately need them instead of having to rely on sports for entertainment?

I'm hoping Batman is on for this weekend somewhere. There is also a possible family affair I must attend with Sara that takes place in Chicago. I love meeting family because it seems like I end up in a corner with Sara making comments over weird things. Last time, I learned I am very good at putting a spoon on my nose. Yes, my Batman t-shirt is packed up and ready to be worn by the male with a bit too much in the pectoral department (I am still working on shrinking these babies, though). Have fun, kids. To those of you with the Playboy Channel, like me, try out some of those positions no matter how ridiculous those amateurs look. Watching a penis thrust in and out of a wet vagina does get tiring to look at. Instead, use it as a mic on karaoke night. Go wild with some "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All!" Happy twats all around.

Older Women Unzipped

2008-07-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

"Any day where I have several people stare at my strange movements all to tell a story is a day well spent."

-Me

How did you start your day at work? Grab a cup of coffee and mingle with various people that come in? Read over an old newspaper or magazine left behind in the staff room? Try mine. Not knowing all the words needed in sign language, I tried to tell the deaf guy what I saw on satellite, a midget fucking a much taller woman. Acting out doggy style that kind of looks like a 5th Grader would is hard. Did you know people stare?

As much as I am delighted to be informed how midgets have sex, I'm not sure if hearing a guy going at it so rough with someone so much taller/bigger is good reason to say, "Take it all, bitch!" 3-inches doesn't qualify a guy I can toss over my shoulders with one arm to say such a thing. Besides, it kind of makes those of us that are 5'10 to wonder if little people really do dream of being bigger, height and penis.

Doggy style does look kind of nice if you are a little person. To just stand as tall as you can and hit that ass so hard is a dream. It's just when it comes to the 'money shot' where her tooth is almost as big as his dick that I forget all that stuff.

Never tell me you can predict your day. You get up. You go to work. Same ol' same ol'? Well, take a walk because I met a very interesting lady close to when I made my way home afterwards. My dog, on the other hand, decided to take a nap during the whole conversation.

I like foreign people. I like foreign people that tend to ask me where I am from thanks to an accent that comes out at various times. Am I Australian? European? Maybe I'm adopted and I came out of a box in an insane escape from a Nike factory! This lady, after a few other times coming across her, wanted to have a nice little chat. It all starts with wanting to know about 5-Pound Phooey and works its way to my girlfriend and feelings on the Bush regime. Sometimes, it takes those from another country to remind me why so many Americans are stupid.

Mind you, this foreign woman, Toolay (pronounced: 'Two-Lah') is from Europe. In no way was she intrusive in wanting to know about me. I'm quite friendly when you provoke my mind in certain ways. Since Toolay was so polite, I couldn't resist standing there in front of a store used as a storage place. There could have been tea but I had a tired dog to deal with and I pretty much stunk, this being after my workout and walk.

So, Toolay and I talked and talked about how Americans are so gullible about the lies fed to them by our media (look at The New Yorker's depiction of Obama as Muslim). This woman being foreign, she would hate to have McCain as president because she fears so much more war due to a love of it from this man. Iraq was bad but now it's a mess under Bush's stupidity. At least during Saddam, people had water and electricity. Now Iraqis hope to have it once or twice a week. I'm no fan of the Middle Eastern smelly people (Times change. Follow a religion not bent on keeping you in caves fucking camels.) but even I have sympathy for going through this disastor. Why does our government spend more time in foreign affairs when things are so bad in America? How is it so awful to show the naked female form?

Personal stuff got fun. I love to chat when it comes to someone wanting to know a little about my life. Toolay wanted to know about Sara, particularly about painting because this woman is an artist as well. She designs for various businesses, artwork or just placing unique wording on t-shirts/advertising. Nice of Toolay to give me two pens to keep as a way to show me what she does. It's always nice to hear a European wonder why Americans are so prudish when it comes to the female body. According to Toolay, it's great to be naked and taken pictures/paintings of.

That would explain the oddness of when I first came across Toolay. The woman walked out of the shop with her husband. After a few seconds, I realized her pants were completely unzipped and unbuttoned. The man was smiling so I'm thinking that either she got fucked or there are moments where a woman just wants to walk around with her pants down to ankles at some point.

Can anyone explain to me the fear of dogs? 5-Pound Phooey is tiny. At 13-pounds, she's got some muscle but is still too small to scare anything but a large collection of Legos. Toolay was very shy about even touching 5-Pound Phooey, even after a few minutes of begging. It's too weird to me. I can understand someone's fear of large dogs even if I have none. But a tiny muscular Yorkshire Terrier that shows friendliness?

Somewhere out there, there is a midget that has had a moment of exteme built up ego where he thinks that his 3-inches will frighten a woman 2-feet taller than him. Hardness turns to a noodle upon the uncontrollable giggles as he is unzipped.

Must be off. Tired. You know the drill. The heat makes sleep more difficult or something. Waking up takes longer and I need to cry myself to sleep over my ridiculous behavior at work. You live in your world. I rule mine by being mildly retarded til I die. Happy twats all around.

What'd Batman Say?

2008-07-14T20:26:00.001-07:00

"Justice and power must be brought together, so that whatever may be powerful, and whatever is powerful may be just."

-Blaise Pascal

I learned something new about my town today. When I asked my deaf co-worker if he was going to go see the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight, he responded 'no.' I should have thought about that. Most deaf people wait til a movie comes out before getting any sort of rush into seeing something that they cannot hear, hence the confusion. Surprise, surprise. There is a local movie theater that plays brand new movies with captions, only the deaf have to wait 2-3 weeks til they can see them.

My deaf co-worker is a hoot to work with. I told him that an all-deaf showing of The Dark Knight will be so much quieter than what we hearing people have to deal with. Noisy kids, cell-phones going off, rude people arriving so late by putting their asses in your face to cross the aisle, and those that won't shut the fuck up. You know it by heart, people. Haven't you ever wanted to take someone's phone and throw it the fuck all the way to the other side of the theater just to hear it smash? Deaf people, on the other hand, will allow for so much quiet in the place. My only problem would be the occasional kick in the back of my chair.

Oh, and what's up with sitting right in front of me when there's 30 other spots just as good? What does blocking my view make sitting there so much better?

I may just be some sort of paranoid weirdo sitting in the theater hoping that the next person walking down the aisle has not chosen to sit in front of me because I like to rest my feet against the chair. Does that coincide with how ridiculous I must have looked in the gym when making googly faces to a 50-something-year-old friend tonight?

I did have fun talking to a guy that just comes right up to me to ask when the new Batman movie comes out. What is it about me that gives off a beacon that I know this? I would hope that it's because I look like Batman in some way. Am I handsome? Check. Am I good at getting out of tight places? Check. Do I want to see the good guys prevail? Sorta. Nobody's perfect. I still think weed and possibly all drugs should be legalized.

My satellite is back! Nothing like plopping down on my bed to find that there is a whole set of channels where I can see very large penises penetrating a lot of vaginas. No asses. I've still yet to see anal sex done on satellite. Sara took a look at all this when she was here that week. I've never seen the problem of actresses barely able to conceal the fact that it's all about a paycheck. Sure, she grunts, sucks, and swallows a large amount of cum. It's just that there seems to be no interest in actually fucking. It's in. It's out. It's over.

I dunno. Thanks to Sara's assessment, I've found myself wondering how people can fuck all for a paycheck or go gay for pay. No amount of money would get me to fuck someone that I have absolutely no interest in having sex with. $10,000 would get you a peck on the cheek and possibly a pat on the fanny. I'm just too picky on who I want to stick my dick into. Love the feeling. Love how sticky my dick gets once it's in there. Just the major factor that comes to mind, I want to want you.

How's life, work? Summer still has me working less. Maybe I should rethink my thoughts on fucking for a living, huh? The economy affects how much I make but not how many lovely women need to be penetrated in order to help them sleep at night. I'm still up in odds. It's that time of year where the weather makes any sort of working absolutely horrifying so why do I feel like I'm wasting away? My deaf co-worker keeps signing to me that I'm a 'motherfucker.'

Wonder how he really feels.........

So, I must endeth your enjoyment (or possibly that feeling you want to throw up after reading this) by saying I wish I hadn't eaten that big bowl of crunchy Raisin Bran. A bit too much. My dog, 5-Pound Phooey, loves it when I sit down on the floor to give her some. Why can't she be nicer to me when we're on walks? Lately, I've had to stand underneath the shade of a tree because she won't budge til she's pissed off another schnauzer. She hates that type of dog with so much passion in the same way I have a hard time looking at the obese people walking out of a fast food restaurant. Happy twats all around.

I'm In Dread

2008-07-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

"And it all comes down to this...."

-Me

So, I sit here wondering why I feel as if I have nothing to say. Not a damn thing. My mind is completely void of wanting to sit here and blurt out whatever insane/stupid/thoughtful thing I find myself wanting to share. Am I depressed? Lost? I've said it once so I'll just have to say it again. When things feel completely stagnant or you lose the muse of others making amazingly enchanting entries, there seems to be no point. Here I am talking to a dark wall with no hint of my own breath to show I'm breathing.

Is it that time that I dread? My birthday is awfully close along with my 1-year anniversary at work. Sticking to the same thing for more than 5 months is quite an accomplishment. Now if I can only shake my slight urge to do something different. I'm growing bored all while forcing myself to stay due to the little perks work gives me. I'm pathetic thanks to a scary economy.

There is no urge for sex. Zero. You, my female readers, could take down your panties and prance around me for no result but to admire your feminine features. I love to see the lovely pink parts but there is no unzipping of my shorts.

I don't like knowing my birthday is not too far off. It scares me to know I've lived longer than I once thought. Funny how it has me thinking about all those people that told me how lucky they are to have children while getting married young. Now they look haggard and out of it as various rolls of excess skin hang down their 'fat jeans.' That doesn't mean I feel any better about myself. Remember? I'm stagnant. Going nowhere or something like that. Going to inherit some serious cash but I want something more.

To find myself. But where do I begin?

Am I having an epiphany? Is it a sudden non-caring of all these materialistic possessions that once drove me? Did I obtain everything I once wanted? Was it all about the chase? Or am I just miserable because it feels like everyone else is miserable? Just how does someone have a life while juggling 3 jobs and the bank is about to foreclose on your home?

I'm also very worried about Sara. To lose her job at this time is very hard. One of her friends had to move back in with his parents. The break-in at the house might have scared him but it could be more, more as in financially. Who knows. I'd hate to see Sara forced into moving back in with her parents. Trust me. Her mom would drive her crazier than I could deal with. Yes, there are problems within this relationship but nothing too destructive that we can't work on. Relationships are work. If you say 'no,' I kill you. I kill you good.

So, I'm going to lay down and finish the movie about some lucky guy's finding out he shouldn't marry a controlling woman thanks to a magical list telling of all the girls he's fucked. Impressive. To have an email suddenly appear that tells you who it is that gets your dick inside them! What joy! Well, I did watch that new movie, The Ruins, which was pretty good if you have an interest in killer plants. There was the latest Batman movie that ties into what happens before he meets the joker in The Dark Knight. Bloody cartoons are cool. I'm going to be a total dork for wearing my tight grey Batman shirt with the huge symbol on the chest. Don't giggle. You'll hate it when I'm beating you senseless after you laughed at me. I really need to kiss Sara right now. Happy twats all around.

Mad Dog No Beer

2008-07-10T20:32:00.001-07:00

"Weapons Of Mass Consumption."

-The slogan for the bus that I stopped to have a beer from

Nothing makes a walk better than an ice cold beer. Nothing. Okay, maybe a nice slow body soothing blowjob where my back is held softly by the softest bed and my penis is passed back and forth by women that know their ways around an AR-15 machine gun.

Actually, that took place today, the beer but not the blowjob. Lucky me to end my walk with 5-Pound Phooey only to find that a friend of mine working for a local channel is attending a luxurious meeting. My park was presented by some wealthy middle-aged men and women all holding various forms of alcohol. Ah, the smell of beer! I'm all sweaty, my dog is out of her damn mind wanting attention, and I am presented with a beer. There is a god and his name is Miller Chill. Am I the only one that sees the combination of a lime as being a stroke of genius?

What's hard to do when presented by a small crowd of spoiled middle-aged is getting my dog to leave. I'm pretty sure she wanted a sip or two of my Miller Chill after waiting on a bottle opener. Drinking near the park? Of course! Little dog watches as I down the hatch the bottle in less than 5 minutes. Damn tasty. Now if only I could get 5-Pound Phooey to stop craving attention so we can go home...........

The benefits of knowing people that can give you a free beer or discounts are endless. Just ask my friends at Borders and Barnes & Noble.

So, how are you? I'm realizing how much I miss Sara. One week here and it feels so quiet in this house without her. No one to help get up and give a tap in order to get her going. My mom certainly does. It's rare for her to find another female to chitter chatter with. Who knows what they said about me. As long as the naked bath tub pics of me when I was 4 do not get displayed.

Ah, the old days of having a small wiener at such a young age. Now, it's like I have to have a forklift to carry the kinds of balls I was blessed with.

Due to the overload of so many employees at work, I am being sent home early. Hooray or nay? It's kind of tough to say. While I love to be home earlier to rid myself of the excess sweat and grime, I kind of find myself deep into work and don't want to go home so soon. Sure, the first 5 minutes suck but then it's like an addiction. Muscles are warmed up. Mind is trying to figure out how to deal with the latest puzzle presented to me. Female co-worker won't stop flirting with me. It's daily. It's my life but it means less money to take off early. Also makes me realize how great air conditioning is.

Heard of a little movie called "Wanted?" Lovely. Sara and I saw it 2 times because it's that fucking good. Went on Friday and dragged our friends to see it the next day. Friends didn't like it but Sara and I giggled at all the cool scenes we had now memorized. Wanted kind of asks you if you are really living your life. That woman that harasses Wesley reminds me of how bad it can get when you have an upper-level person to report to that is, in best terms, a complete fucking pisser. Funny how this person was shown as a donut eating fatass type I normally see in Wal-Marts everywhere. I'm always dying to ask them if they realize how pathetic they look to carry so much extra weight.

Plus, Wanted is Angelina Jolie with guns. You just cannot go wrong with that combination. Period.

My mom's jaw dropped when I told her the amount I spent for Sara's birthday dinner. It was so worth it because I got schooled on how to eat pasta with a fork and spoon. If it's not dishwashing liquid in the bath, it's how to collect stringy noodles with a fork. I guess a small part of me is white trash but educated.

So, I must heal after only now getting time to spend in the gym. My biceps are swollen while my chest will hit that mark tomorrow. It's called time-delayed muscle soreness. I love it because it tells me I hit the right areas. The honor of seeing someone copy my unique workout tickled my mind. Yes, I do something weird to the point that Sara's dad watched me as well. The man hounded me for why/how I turn 2 dumbbells up to do deep push-ups that would look like I am stretching open my chest. Tis not for the faint of heart. Very painful if not done right or as a first time but these kinds of push-ups work the chest like no other. It's no wonder it gets stared at all while I am trying to shrink the muscle a little bit yet keep it extremely strong.

It's fun to see the reactions of people when I work out with them. Sara's dad and I went through a session together. It killed time for me since I had a lot of frustrations to rid myself of. The extra adrenaline flow of people that look amazed kept me going even longer. The reward? Sara's dad put almost 2 pounds of salmon on the grill. Almost a pound of it was in my belly that night. I will work you in any gym.

Alas, I must be off. Should I discuss the porn I've come across from satellite? It's tempting. Apparently, there are great benefits of threesomes. When the penis slides out during heavy thrusting, it's so sweet to have another woman there to help put it back in immediately. A reward? Oh, a good ol' fashioned licking in all directions. It doesn't help if he's so bad that she thinks it's her own dog licking her swollen strawberry. Happy twats all around.

Is Normal Great?

2008-07-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

"You are not a dish."

-Sara (her explanation on why I should stop putting dishwashing liquid prior to my daily baths)

I guess we can chalk up today as the first day in my road to normal. No coming home from work all in the need to entertain someone laying on my bed due to a badly sprained ankle. No more arguing with a small dog that said person is allowed there as well. And no more being worn out discussing the Wimbledon Final, where I don't even care which guy won. Nadal did. I was happy because he reminded me of Agassi's making tennis fun again.

So, you want to know my week? Long one. Sara, as I've said before, has a badly sprained ankle. Spent a lot of time opening the car doors, pulling out crutches, helping carry things into the bathroom (girls have a lot of stuff!), holding crutches out for her when she has to get up, and whatever else that I did just cause it's what I'm supposed to fucking do. I'm not complaining at all because I remember what it was like to have a broken foot and had to hop around for at least 8 weeks. It sucked. It sucked big time to be forced to use crutches. My roommates, Bald-O and Co., had to carry my things around for me.

However, I do enjoy remembering the good old surprise of the many girls that insisted I take their chairs when I first walked/hopped into the Human Sexuality Class. Ah, to be able to start an argument over blowjobs again............

The reason for the quote is from my own good luck. Sara has to now take baths due to her ankle issues. When I helped draw one for her, I put in what I've used since I was a child, dishwashing liquid for the bubbles and its cleaning effect. Sara thought I was nuts and insisted I go out to get real bubble bath stuff. She's right and my skin has never been better! Yeah, it was me in the girly store choosing which scent works best. I choose orange!

Once, at work, I told the deaf guy that Sara was at my house talking to my mom. He laughed and asked me if they were talking and talking and talking. It was the first time I ever wanted to be at work. Really.

The one thing I never truly understood about women is their need to talk. My mom's totally in this so putting Sara together with her means trouble. There was a lot of talking that I'm sure I would be happy to be away from. Women, especially the 20-year-old type, talk like a group of chattering squirrels. It's insane to try to figure out this secret language where many men, even the most manly of all, don't dare try to disrupt. For me, personally, I just like to get to the point by adding a few sentences. For Sara, it means over and hour of chattering with her roommate that she hasn't seen in 4 or 5 days. I haven't seen Bald-O for almost a year and our conversation was nowhere near this!

The whole week wore me the fuck out! There was barely any chance for me to work out in order to rid myself of frustrations. Hardly any sex took place due to this and Sara's ankle. That thing was black and blue so I want it healed as soon as possible.

Obviously, this lack of being able to let things out led to a few arguments. One had the gas station attendant laugh at Sara and I as we went at it over gas prices. I put in the usual but didn't see that the other was cheaper by 13 cents. Listen, I drove both ways, to Bald-O's and back while she read a book or discussed things with me. The other argument was over trying to find parking to a very nice deli. Sometimes, I think Sara just loses her fucking mind and I want to find an ejection seat for her. Oh, and if you need to know, both times had her apologizing.

It's weird how things are only slowly back to normal. The Playboy Channel is still amusing. Various people in the gym wave at me. The brown girl still continues to look for me. I come home drenched in sweat. Life is great. Now, if I can get rid of that image from a different porn channel of a girl using a baby wipe on her ass prior to getting fucked, things would be perfect. Then again, it is nice to let the guy know that everything's honky-dory down there prior to a good rug munching. Happy twats all around.

Still In Awe

2008-07-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

"And so the craziness ends at some point where the recipient looks back and somehow commits to the quiet."

-Me

It's true. A lot happened all this week thanks to spending a lot more time with Sara. Be it here in this house or at her apartment, we were around each other for more time than we're used to these days. I'm still in shock as to how I'm so used to this girl I've been sleeping next to for over 3 years.

I didn't blog for one main reason. I found it rude to be on the computer when there is company to deal with. While I do understand some time alone, it just feels too strange for me to tell someone to find their own fun while I go off and unleash my inner thinking on a computer. It's just not healthy to sit down in a form of darkness while someone a short distance away enjoys being tickled in her mind.

If I sound strange, I can tell you, in very easy terms, why. I'm tired from all the driving. First, we start with going to Indiana. Then, we come here. A few days later, it's on to my college friends' house way down south. Back to here. And finally? Again, in Indiana only to end up here barely in time for work. Is it any wonder why I'm so dog-tired? To go straight to leaving pools of sweat on the work's floorspace tells you what I go through.

As for the $22,000 engagement ring entry. I'd just like to make it clear that it was only done in playfulness. That kind of money is better spent with a few months in Paris followed by Australia. The only reason I mentioned it was because, of all the rings in the store, Sara found the $22,000 one the best. I'm not gonna lie. It looked better than nice but why spend so much money on one small thing? To Sara and I, it's insane to spend such money that could be better spent on things to enjoy rather than feeling tied down to constant payments.

Funny how tears were shed before I left Sara's apartment. The long week wore us down to the point that things held in came out. I started it by going on how much it hurts to see Sara so sad after she lost her job. I tend to absorb things that hurt others.

No, I didn't watch the fireworks. Needless to say, when college friends are involved, you're just too fucking drunk to get up off your butt. It's been a long time since I've seen Bald-O, Mark, Rob, Mikel, and Bald-O's mom. We're still a good bunch and Sara being there gave more small town gossip than they know what to do with. I doubt a population of 6,000 knows what to do with large amounts of outed lesbians.

So, I must be off, seeing as there is so much to catch up on. According to Sara, I smashed my fist into her bookshelf during a nightmare. Everything built up to frustrations after a lot of foreign intrusion. My mother loved talking and talking and talking to Sara when she stayed here. For me, it was odd to wake up with someone to take care of (busted ankle), head off to work, and then entertain. How do people do this everyday!?! Happy twats all around.

On Vacation

2008-07-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

"They say in heaven, love comes first."

-'Heaven Is A Place On Earth' by Belinda Carlisle

Don't fret. I'm still around. It's just that Sara has a badly sprained right foot. She's here at my house being taken care of by my mother. Yes, it is interesting to note this because my mother has always wanted a daughter while Sara's dad has always wanted a son. She's an only child while I have no sisters. See why Sara and I's parents love visits?

I'm just coming on here to let you know I'm alive, okay? I've been terribly busy with Sara being here, her foot issues, and this being her birthday today. A lot. Did you know engagement rings cost $22,000? Guess who looked at rings and smiled while I was off looking at expensive watches.

So, I will be back when everything settles down. My mother is having a great time and might even do girly things with Sara while I am at work or in the gym tomorrow. Be prepared for when I get back from Bald-O's. That's where I will have to explain myself where I looked into that bald boy's eyes and had the time of my life. After......uh.....16 beers, all boys suddenly question their sexuality. Happy twats all around.

The Leech Is Back

2008-06-26T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen."

-Aliens

This is not going to be a thrilling or even amusing in the slightest entry. I've just received word that Sara has a serious sprain in her ankle thanks to the idiotic roommate's desperate need to watch European soccer. To put it in the best perspective I can tell you, a serious downpour of rain caused Sara to trip and fall in a grassy area all because she was dragged into doing something she didn't want to do in the first place.

Sara's right about one thing. I'm a bit pissed at both of them. The sky gave major warnings on rain but the roommate wanted to go out anyway, walking to find a football game. Mind you, the roommate is a bit on the selfish side and leeches off of Sara. Now I have to hit Indiana, control my frustrations until I hear the whole story, and get pissy if the roommate doesn't perform at Sara's beck and call. I know what it's like because I was on crutches once but that was for a broken right foot in baseball practice.

I played both games of the double-header with a broken foot, folks. Walked off the field and back to my room with no one helping me. I'm tough, smarter and tougher than a Ford truck.

Funny how Sara warned me that I'm gonna be mad by stating it in the first sentence to me.

So, had a good day? Remember the brown girl mentioned in the past few entries? Still around and I talked to her today. Found myself reminiscing with a fellow gym member about how things used to be so good when the old owner was around. The new owner fired so many people that it feels like the lifeforce has left us. We're dead, man. That's why I find myself staring into the mirror asking myself if this is still worth it.

To give you an idea as to how demented I can get, I wonder what Rambo would do. Would he get new gloves because mine reek of sweat so awful it's like putting socks on that had just been thrown into the lake.

But not all is lost, folks. There are certain moments that move me, especially those that have to do with the wild. Baby ducklings hatched just recently and I saw them for the first time swimming with Mom. If you were another person that just happened to walk by, I swear you would have heard me say, "Awwww." There's something about the beauty in nature that reminds you that the corporations in the world cannot destroy everything. Only seems that way.

I'm going to leaveth you here instead of unleashing a fury of harsh language based on my anger with Sara's roommate. I know she's not the one that caused the bad sprain but her self-absorbed determination sure makes it seem that way. More to come as I pack my things to leave tomorrow. Happy twats all around.

Muck Fichigan

2008-06-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

"Live for nothing or die for something."

-Rambo

As I took a much needed rest in the gym, I looked at myself. This was no out of admiration. Nosirree, it was more along the lines of me reading my face all while asking myself one simple question:

"Is it worth it?"

Let's just say I've dropped back to down to a personal misery. Not sure why. It could be that I am at my weakest because the one thing I need at some point is female attention. Whether I like it or not, just knowing or being around a girl that will listen helps me through another grueling day where I come home drenched in sweat, eat dinner, and then head on out to the gym where I will soon feel like a greased pig. "Is it worth it?" Ask yourself something like that when you are at your worst.

We all know I love Sara. However, I am weak when it comes to needing a little female attention. I'm not getting it from her right now because I have yet to hear from her. Sara could be busy looking for a new job or doing things she has to do. I'm all for that but why is it that it takes forever for her to get back to me? Why does this little brown girl have to make it so difficult just by smiling at me?

Yeah, that little brown girl sure knows how to play the game right when it comes to dealing with me. Leave me curious. Unlike yesterday, she said nothing to me, just looking to see when I will enter the gym and to walk on by me as I stood there working on biceps. This brown girl could have gone the easy route but, no, she had to walk right by me and smile. Of course, I smiled back and I even compliment her. Dammit, the other weakness of mine was hit hard as well. She was wearing a sundress. I love it when women wear nice dresses.

See? I'm full of weird complications. Although I love torn jeans, tight tank-tops without rolls of fat falling out, ponytails, a nice ass, and small tits, a sundress can really get my attention as well. If you wish to know, it was yellow.

So, you can use this as a tip. Want a guy that has a girlfriend? Tear him apart slowly by flirting with him and wearing things that get his attention during the times he has been apart from his girlfriend. Yes, there are homewreckers and heartbreakers. This is what they do. They know more than a girl that takes her boyfriend for granted.

To tell you the truth, I'm just in too much of a funk right now. Sure, the Playboy Channel has kept me amused when I get the chance to watch it. Hell, I even learned a new way to eat pussy thanks to a whole hour devoted to showing college males how to get more poon. I'm serious. That was the title. What made it so good was using real college students that weren't modelish looking nor with an expensive wardrobe. Nope. It had a dork being shown how to place his penis inside a girl. No joke. That part I've had for years. It was the new way to place a girl on the floor in order to eat her out much more thoroughly.

When things at work go well, I find myself dancing a jig right after. My boss let me off early again. My co-workers looked at me as if I was crazy. It's summer! Who wants to spend so many hours sweating!?! I may make less money but I don't care. The day calls for me to spend it outside much earlier on a walk with an irritable dog. It's always great when black guys laugh at the bad dancing skills.

So, I don't know what else to tell you other than I am leaving this weekend for Indiana. Sara will hear about the brown girl (possibly even tell her how I saw the dark vag a few months back thanks to short shorts) as she loves how her boyfriend is wanted. That slightly annoys me because it signals a small amount of taking me for granted. We'll see. Does anyone else see what I'm trying to explain? Relationships are a lot of work and I hate being thrown this monkey wrench when I need some long hair strung out on my shoulder after a day like this. Happy twats all around.

Watch How Fat People Roll

2008-06-24T20:27:00.001-07:00

"I'm excited about Batman!"

-Me

Quotes like the one above get you noticed, noticed in a way that people wonder if you are retarded. It's a chosen profession, really. To be mildly retarded and proud is not easy for us easily excited pathetic white boys that enjoy Batman, girls with guns, and using sign language with a little too much expression.

By the way, I'm not joking. The two guys I said that to in the gym laughed their asses off. I mean, I totally get it. Someone just blurts out how crazy he/she is for something completely ridiculous like a superhero. But that is me. I love Batman and, yes, I cannot wait til The Dark Knight hits theaters in July. My grey tight t-shirt with the Batman emblem on the chest will be worn. By then, these muscles will still be bulging and ready to do away with evil-doers wherever they are.

Unlike a lot of comic book geeks, I do not have the lard hanging over my Underoos, a large amount of zits, and have seen many vaginas that didn't cost me a dime.

Isn't it great when someone has an obvious crush on you? Oh, I'm sorry but I tend to travel back to being 13 so I'll just say it your way. Someone wants to fuck me. Is that better?

Remember that brown girl that flashed me her vag thanks to very short shorts and no panties? Well, she was in the gym tonight and constantly on the lookout for me. It had to happen, of course, the talking. Same age as my girlfriend, Sara. A bit of a pessimist towards the gym we both inhabit thanks to the management forcing the fun people away. It wasn't til I saw her staring at me as I left that I realized how far I've come to being considered fuckable for a brown girl. These are the types of girls that set their standards so high.

Frat boys either fear them or copy answers off them.

Sara seems to love this, knowing someone wants little old me. Blue eyes get you anywhere but it's the goofiness that keeps you there. Ask anyone. Ask any real guy willing to talk about anything and he'll tell you how easy it is to talk to girls.

The other thing that made my day was seeing one of my old high school's stuck up snobs. Fat as a goddamn truck. I mean, big ass o' lard that you'd swear spends all her day at KFC licking the grease off the floor as an appetizer. I had to laugh as the poor trainer set her through dull motions because the blob was just too big as it waddled to and fro.

It might sound mean for me to make fun of this girl. I don't care because she was a total stuck up snob in my school, thinking herself so great while hanging with another set of snobs. What did I do wrong? I was popular, knew many cheerleaders, jocks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, losers, stoners, madrigals, and so on. This giant blond blob didn't see anything in me when sitting next to me during Algebra. Hell, how did a slightly chunky girl like this become so powerful?

Sometimes, you wait for that one chance just to make someone cry. Except, I didn't get it this time. The blob didn't see me so her coming up to me to say hi didn't happen. Oh, I was dying to say......"Hi, Jenny, my oh my, do the people at the buffet cower in fear when you walk in?" How the hell does a girl let herself get like that anyway? I've got this feeling that her husband has had enough of the fact that while her tits have gotten to be more than a handful, there is just no good reason for her to weigh more than his pickup truck.

Yeah, as you can see, my life, if we can call it that, has resorted to being a bit vindictive towards those that you can roll down a hill. No matter how long high school was, some of us still seek out that dark side of our brains that remembers various hard points. Loved high school. Hated a few people. Wouldn't be a bad thing to me if........oh, hell. A lot of people just sucked at times.

Life is a little strange for me because I have this feeling that those words will come up that I dread to say. .""But I have a girlfriend..." A weird fact is that I made a girl cry when I said that 2 years ago. I'm friendly and have a tendency to blurt out retarded statements. Obviously, I have a bit of anger at fat people.

So, I am going to head on back upstairs. Playboy Channel? Still lovin' the reality shows shown during the day. I'm pretty sure Sara wants to watch several hours to see what she's been missing. Another good thing is seeing old Playmates because there were some bushes back then. Wish we'd bring back that kind of grooming even if sometimes a few hairs end up in the mouth. Pussy eater and proud. Happy twats all around.

For You, George

2008-06-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

"If it's not the smell of someone's butt that offends your nose, it's the worry that the person behind you at the gym's water fountain is going to think it's yo' ass that needs more wiping. Gawd, I hate having a sensitive nose sometimes."

-Me

Right now, my life is pretty much shit. Literally. My little dog, 5-Pound Phooey, decided that, before we continue on our walk, I need to shake the dingle-berry stuck to her ass. All walks consist of the following things, the big dark eyes that insist on a hug or that sinister appearance that says it all when she just cannot shake the shit off her ass. All dog owners know that the word 'turd' is used at least once a week.

Look, I'll be honest. I'm very scatterbrained here. It seems that ever since I've discovered the two things dominating my life, USA Network's amazing Burn Notice and the fact that I have the Playboy Channel, I now watch a little bit of TV. This is so unlike me. My parents and friends installed it in me that I should be out and about, not a zombie sitting there watching TV. In a small sense, KISS's Gene Simmons said it best.

"Why would I watch porn? I'd rather be doing it."

Good point. But this isn't all about porn, spies, or naked women. It's about expanding your mind and getting outside to make yourself feel good. The sun tends to do that by giving you vitamins that might make you sweat a bit. Lounging in a nice leather chair only makes you look like a homeless guy, possibly dressed a little bit better.

The Playboy Channel is so fascinating to me. I'm a virgin to it so bear with me. Yes, there are naked people but it's all done in such a tasteful way that I cannot explain to you. Oh, I'll hoot and holler. I might even show a little disgust at how Hefner's girlfriend seem to get a bit too much camera time. It's just that I've always found nudity to be fun if all participants want it. Everyone really does give me the feeling that they are having a good time and not dreaming of just a paycheck. The thing is that Sara would not turn the channel off if she ever got Playboy. I'm serious. The types of reality shows would have her addicted even more than that stupid Tila Tequila show she loves. Ugh. Am I the only one that thinks she looks like a little lost alien?

Yes, I am still working on my chest differently. That is going great. Since people seem to watch me a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if a few take up my new routine. 'Tis not for the faint of heart. Doing a push-up between 2 overturned dumbbells is very tough. The next day's soreness will do you in if the attempt didn't wear you out.

One of the best way's to help get work over with quicker is to have fun. Nothing like using the humidity to describe a co-worker's BO just to get him going. Fan it out in my direction all you want. That's not as bad as the guy down to the left that reeks of ass.

So, I leaveth you here on a sad day. George Carlin died and, although I didn't listen to him as much as my dad did, I did get his act. To censor is stupid. While I agree with trying to keep kids as young and innocent for a time period, adults need a place. We cuss. We fuck. We realize some things are childish but to censor others is a total destruction of one of our great freedoms, the freedom of speech. While at work today, I thought back to one of my classes that was based on the freedom of the press. The professor had 2 people at a time teach a chapter while he sat back to watch how we handled things. I forgot what one I had but the irony didn't escape me how one girl raised hell over the fact that I brought an issue of Playboy that had exactly what I needed. While most of the class enjoyed things, it didn't escape me how there is always one person that will always try to keep you from having fun. No, I didn't show the centerfold. No, I didn't bring out any naked pictures. All I did was show the cover and read the quote I had underlined. I'll miss anyone that tried to keep truth alive. Happy twats all around.

Playboy, Aliens, And Burn Notice

2008-06-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes, you just need a goddamn hug."

-Me

We all have days like this. It could be that you feel as if no one notices you. Everything that could go wrong just did. The heat is annoying and makes everyone think it's you that smells like ass. You're itchy all over due to some allergic reaction. Or maybe, just maybe you you're like my dog, all out of gas and in need of a hug.

Nothing like people watching you as a small dog climbs into your lap as you sit on someone else's lawn. 5-Pound Phooey was wiped out. It could be the heat that got to her or maybe complete boredom. When faced with the fact that there was no cat to chase or dog to bark at, a walk can get pretty boring. It doesn't help when a pile of poop is considered a 'threatening message' thanks to the manner it was left. Sometimes, I really hate it how dogs use the parks as a chat room.

I'm still here. Just been a little busy with discovering things. Rethinking or self-improvements can be masturbation material. I'm always on the lookout to work myself into some sort of steam. Nonetheless, I got to thinking during my walk that I want to lower the thickness in my chest muscles. I mean, it is nice that people stare, girls and guys, when it comes to all that hard work put on my pectoralis major and minor. However, I want 'the boys' slimmed down a bit so I can wear clothes without Sara mimicking me as I walk. She tends to do that.

New push-ups are key. Less bench-pressing. You'll find me with 2 22.5 lb. dumbbells turned upwards so I can push-up in between them. It's hard. It's somewhat painful. But, dammit, I enjoy going through periods of self-improvements. Not many people do these kinds of chest exercises because they are just that, damned enough to send you through a tizzy. It took me 3 days to fully recover from Wednesday's session so that's what I want.

More pain. It helps you feel alive when other parts of your life feel dead.

Other than that self-improving that is masturbating material, I've fallen in love with Burn Notice. Why oh why this show is only slightly well-known I will never know. You've got it all. A mixture of Mr. And Mrs. Smith (and we all know how I am obsessed with THAT movie), a smart character that is cold as ice, a trigger happy girlfriend with a six-pack and attitude, Miami, gorgeous women, and stories that draw you in where you beg for more. I'm begging so much! I've not been addicted to a show like this since Veronica Mars. Sure, Battlestar Galactica is nice but that didn't always leave me dying to see what mess Michael Weston is into next. How can it be that I'd enjoy having a girlfriend buying weapons on the black market in a stolen BMW all in the pursuit of goodness in her heart?

Plus, I hacked into the satellite and found out I get the Playboy Channel! Well, that and every pornographic channel that would make several people not able to leave the room. Lucky me. There was no reaching for the zipper. I'm not quite like that, as fascinating as pussy is.

The Playboy Channel is so much fun. While the evening hours of 2-6 hours of porno movies don't get to me, the reality shows and news from the world of Playboy are fun. What more can I want? I've got personalities that draw me in all while various scenes of ass, tits, and bush are on display but not in a way that demeans. In other words, classy is the key word here. There are times I enjoy a little graphic gyno views but.........

To give you an idea, Playboy is going to have a show where one of my favorite photography books' author is going show how he takes pictures of what else.........happy naked girls! You can probably buy it on Amazon or somewhere. The point is that we're talking good old fashioned fun nudity. All the women are smiling as they take their clothes off in their own homes or apartments. If they're more comfortable with the photographer being naked, too, he'll drop it all. I'm just tired of all the pouting because nudity is supposed to be fun. Remember, I posed for Sara's painting. Yes, it was weird to sit there for 5 hours where my balls lay there on the couch's cushion yet I still smiled.

But you want to know about the naughty stuff, too? I've never seen grown men wearing baby bonnets or diapers til now. I've never thought of eating a girl's ass/pussy while she makes scrambled eggs til now. I've never ordered a girl to hold my dick while I pee and talk on the phone. The sad part is that I was more interested in eating those scrambled eggs because I love eggs.

The reality shows on Playboy TV look fun. Various couples send in their homemade amateur tapes. Nice. But it's the bitchiness found in the documentaries on the porn company Vivid's filming in Porn Valley. Some girls don't want to work with other girls. There is some sensitivity or someone's snatch smells awful. All is better when things work themselves out as a girl eats out another girl by bending her over all of a sudden. The funny part was the guy that just walks into Vivid's office, stares at the receptionist, and hopes she'll just get him a part in a porn movie. Nice to see that psychos continue to exist and that women continue to have to deal with them. According to the lady heading that part of the office, they try to shoo crazy people off by insisting they drop their pants and get hard right there.

For the life of me, I cannot understand a word on Playboy Latin TV. Those Mexicans have a different taste in sexuality that I've yet to get. At least the girls aren't completely bare down there like the boring blonds are.

So, I must be off. More Playboy TV (Sara wishes to watch) and Burn Notice. I'll be gone next weekend to tell Sara all about what I've seen, the good and the dirty. According to porn, aliens do have penises attached to their bodies and, yes, they help in exploring the female's most sensitive cavities. Oh, and they fuck hard! UFOs can bring in all the best channels when it comes to those long space rides. I'd just hope for a blowjob while eating scrambled eggs. I've got simple fantasies. Happy twats all around.

Ass-Cuse Me, Miss

2008-06-18T20:29:00.001-07:00

"I think every male out there worries about whether they are becoming their fathers. While many find this endearing, the human being tends to open its mind more towards the negative. Oh, how I would love to work on the satellite dish after working, the gym, and a walk with an irritable dog!"

-Me

Weeds. Love it. Who knew that Showtime could take the story of a recently widowed mom, have her learn to sell weed, and commit herself to many oddball people. Doug is da man! The first thing we worry when being forced to become caretakers of an accident victim is whether we have to help them poop.

Thanks to the power of satellite, I once again get to watch pay cable. Hooray. Actually, I would be jumping up and down but I'm just too tired from the fact that I enjoy being outside. TV is nice. TV about Nancy the pot dealing mom is even better. I'll admit that it was weird watching TV where swear words were bleeped out or not said at all. Showtime for 1 hour brought me back into a blessed state of 'shits' and 'fucks' like I can go home again.

I don't know what it is about this time of year. Summer blahs? Suddenly having the weather so nice can get boring. The heat hasn't been bad since the whole week is pretty much 78 degrees. Gas prices continue to piss off or cause very little traffic. Maybe summer is nice after all. My dog and I can cross the street more easily and the exhaust fumes no longer cause me to gag. You go, gas prices!

Watch me complain when I have to drive to Indiana, though. Just wait for it.........

Old people surprise me, too. If you consider 53 to be old, I've got a chubby buddy from my gym that would love to prove his manhood to you. Well, according to him he's getting laid, even after turning 53 yesterday. Richard's still rocking the world of some nice lady that beats his ex-wife, the one that's a drunk and shits without flushing. I guess just about anything will do as an upgrade in the dating department for him.

Richard makes me so glad I don't have to worry about losing my hair. Thousands of those fuckers adorn my head, even if there are a few that are greying. Sara enjoys pointing these out or pulling them out. When around her, my ass and head are going to either smooth or facing a couple patches.

USA Network's Burn Notice was so good! I've found a new TV show to get excited about, people. Filmed in Miami, I worried that I'll get tired of the pastel buildings that I was so used to seeing in Miami Vice. But the snarky spy pulled me in, dammit. Basically, Burn Notice is about a CIA spy that is suddenly given a 'burn notice,' neither fired nor allowed to use what was normally given to him for help in nailing people. It's just him, some tools, and an ex-girlfriend played by the lovely Gabrielle Anwar. What a woman. I laughed when she nearly killed the thug. Cried when the snarky spy figured out which portion of the building to shoot in order to rid it of the annoying drug dealer. Season 2 starts July 10th so start watching in order to prepare yourself for more delicious looking girls in barely-there bikinis as spies start shooting each other.

If only there was nudity and swearing...........can't really complain when the story is so good, though.

How am I? Work's been going by fast ever since I put it in my head to stop watching the clock like a hawk. I've decided to relax a bit more and enjoy my chats with everyone. Of course, I still avoid the guy that shits his pants on occasion but, then again, he has been good about not doing that lately. My deaf friend continues to teach me new signs in sign language. For instance, if you use the word 'ass,' you spell it out. A-S-S. There is no direct sign when you want to tell a deaf guy that a fine ass is about to pass by. There are 2 daring girls sharing the work in the trenches. That would be why there are a few perfume bottles for after work. Girls don't stink. They glow.

Not really. Sometimes, girls smell like sweat and ass after a fart gone wrong.

Wonder if Sara is going to bring up Bald-O's weakness. Remember that? A while back while drunk, Bald-O admitted that he's always wanted to stick his finger up a girl's butt. Me being drunk and rude, got him worried by making him wonder if he was gay. I know, I know. I don't get the whole wanting to stick a finger in a girl's ass need but that's him. My only explanation is that when going through a long sexual drought, the mind gets even dirtier. Suddenly, you think about playing with various parts you didn't consider before, like assplay. Sara is completely fine with talking about something like this so I'd love to see if Bald-O's face goes dark red.

So, I'm gonna leaveth you here as I take off for my second Burn Notice episode. I'm a bit burned out and can't wait for the weekend. Sleep. My change in today's workout wore me the fuck out. Walked in all hyper because I was curious as to what I could handle. Handled a lot. Come home to find I had to help with the satellite dish after walking 5-Pound Phooey. Sometimes I really wonder when I will ever feel relaxed. Happy twats all around.

It Was A Me Day

2008-06-17T20:29:00.001-07:00

"This place is a madhouse, feels we're being cloned!"

-'Twilight Zone' by Golden Earring.

I took a Me Day. Congratulate me. It's a rare thing for me to do, take time out for myself where the gym is not involved. No push-ups. No sit-ups. Nothing that involves a sweaty me looking like I am fucking some sort of invisible woman with a hell of a pussy.

It's just one of those days, huh? Well, you might take the day off of work because you're tired but that's just not me. A Me Day involves some sort of relaxing all while continuing to keep the blood pumping. Sure, there is still a walk or two with 5-Pound Phooey wanting to get smacked by a cat or chewed out by a dachsund. It's just that all that is easy for me. Put it to you this way. While it might be difficult for you to lift a 25 pound object, it's nothing for me. What I cannot seem to do is let myself rest. Ever.

Last night itself was a disaster. I couldn't sleep with all the potential excitement coming up during the 4th. Sara's birthday is the 2nd but I'll be stuck at work. It's Thursday night where it all begins. Have to bring flowers but no presents. Cash is what she needs to help get her out of the hole of having to pay off that Mac computer she got for Christmas. I must say that a Mac looks pretty damn nice since we also watch movies on it. No longer are we in need of binoculars when using the TV's DVD player instead.

Bald-O and Sara will get along. It's putting her in the middle of an enormous family get-together that might strike fear. People down south celebrate the 4th a bit bigger. Everyone comes to eat. Bald-O's parents have friends from grade school that come and bring some major cooking. Kids from various families that I would have sworn were 5 the last time I saw them will run all around me. You see a lot of aging when you show up after months away.

Life is pretty cool down south. Might be hotter. Might be more close-minded. Might not see a black person for miles. It's just that you'll never find a nicer family that insists you eat til you're stuffed, allows you to fart, and is okay with being too drunk to fish.

If you need to know, Sara's a city girl. Life is best lived downtown where a quick walk means Border's or a local fave restaurant is nearby. No driving in all different directions only to end up at Wal-Mart. I cannot imagine having to shop at a place that has taught me to hate conformity. While walking through that place with Bald-O, we almost always come across someone we know from the town. With only 600 people for the town's population, you kinda expect that like how easy it is for someone to know who knocked up Betsy-Jo.

As if you need to know, I finally got my issue of Playboy! What took so long? It used to be the first week of the month, a Friday, that it would come. Then, it started the second week. Now, it's the third!?! Ugh. It's no wonder the magazine is going downhill so fast. The same old blonds with big fake tits as we try to figure out why a rapper deserves to be interviewed for more than 10 questions. Actually, this Playboy interviews Dr. Drew and a rarity for Playmates, a brunette.

How did Cindy Margolis shave her pubes to look that perfect? I'm not kidding when her landing strip is so straight that I just had to ask this. Oh, and I'm not complaining because it's nice that a celebrity posing for Playboy reveals her bush. I hate it when a woman deems herself too good to reveal what all us guys really want to see. Tits? As if I've never seen a pair. Ass? It's pretty typical that even a Latina has a nice one. But a bush? Shaved? Bare? What is her husband getting to eat?

So, I'm going to head on up and watch some of USA Network's Burn Notice. My dad got me interested in this little show that could. It's got guns and babes but it's the actress, Gabrielle Anwar that gets my attention. Woman that handles weapons? So there. This is the moment where Sara feels my crotch just to see if I got hard while a lady shoots with two semi-automatics. Happy twats all around.

Fuck It Like A Cheeto

2008-06-16T20:29:00.001-07:00

"When white boys get drunk, they go gay right away."

-Me (what I said to my black co-worker)

You know what? I've now been on Blogger for just over a year. Even if I only realized this a day after the actual anniversary, I've got a weird gripe. What happened to my loyal fans from the old blog site? Some followed me while others just cannot seem to find this place. Seriously. Does this spell out that those people are morons? Am I just plain annoying? Too into myself? Before you answer, consider this. Every time I make my 3-month entry at my old blog to keep it alive, people show up. All the time. Just not here. Weird. Unforgivable and I no longer care about how many times their cats need to visit the vet.

Think you've seen it all? Well, have you ever thought about making love to a giant Cheeto? I'll admit that I've had dreams where Britney Spears does it but not I. No sirree. The Ultrarooster just says no to mounting Cheetos no matter how tasty they can be. Sure, they can help a girl by telling her that the boyfriend has obviously been masturbating while she's slaving away at work. That Cheeto dust is hard to get off, yo, but to actually fuck a Cheeto takes major talent.

Right now, I'm just too tired to look for the URL of the video of an obviously lonely man that takes up fucking a giant Cheeto made up of a lot of Cheetos. All I can say is that it is lovely to know that at least one snack food molester is off the streets. It's not fucking but making sweet, sweet love to something we all take for granted. Do you think Cheetos like it rough and bareback? No one loves an orange dick, even those girls that love looking at dicks.

Vacuum cleaners I get but the urge to rub your dick on a Cheeto is a new one.

So, I've got a dilemma that has to do with what I'm doing for the 4th. How about you? Plans? Family coming over? Nonstop booty calls? Lounging in the pool til the kids pee in it? Sara is going to meet Bald-O for the first time. This is going to get very interesting.

Okay, we all know how I get when I'm drunk. Sara's seen it, that moment where I cannot stop myself from singing 80's music. However, it takes a very special man to bring out a different side of me. That man is Bald-O. That music is provided by Lionel Richie. That song is, "Say You, Say Me." Oh, lordy it is sad when we look into each other's eyes.

For all of you new to this blog, Bald-O is my best friend from college. We met there and became attached at the hip at some point. It could be my mouth like when I was drunk and blurted out, "There are some girls you just want to eat out so bad." There were video games gone bad because I killed all my roommates at Bond for the Nintendo 64. No one could beat me when I had that grenade launcher, bitch. There was the jealousy. One of my roommates complained that when he walked with me to class it seemed like every girl said hi to me. 'Tis true. I got laid. A lot. All in all, college went by so fast when Bald-O and I went through it together. Nothing like a roommate attempting suicide to bring everyone together.

And, no, that 'roommate' was not Bald-O.

How the hell am I going to do this? 3 years with Sara so its about time I have my best friend meet her. It's Bald-O so there will be mucho beer and embarrassing stories told to her. The good thing is that Sara's like one of the guys, she'll talk about dicks, pussies, and ass in a way that even I blush. Nothing better than having a girlfriend that loves penises, huh? Or how about one that goes topless at a strip joint? Remember that? I don't think the sight of a row of guys pissing in a field would bother her either.

But it's also about family. Bald-O has his annual July 4th bash where a whole lot of people come to a large hill to talk, see everyone, and let the kids go nuts. Remember the key word is 'kids' because last time I was there I got in trouble for lighting firecrackers from my butt in front of them. Why not? Liven up things, why don't ya? After a large amount of cheeseburgers, a boy gets the urge to make kids giggle.

Oh, and there's lots of embarrassing stories for Sara to know. I walked down to the computer lab not knowing a large amount of shaving cream was on top of my head. Bald-O and Blondie put it there when I was asleep. I still remember being down in that lab trying to find the closest Britney Spears concert so that Bald-O and I could attend. How many times did I get so drunk, said some really weird shit, and had to hear about it the night after? Pretty much every week.

I miss that bastard, seeing as I've not been down there since last year. My mom's happy for all this because it also means Sara's coming here for a short while. Indiana and the next day is all that driving on the 4th. My mom loves to call Sara up just to chat or talk about me. Blah blah blah blah. You know moms everywhere. When they get happy that their boys have settled down on one girl, it becomes the biggest news.

"He can fuck only one! (Hopefully, it's not a Cheeto)"

So, I've basically told you, in my own words, that I had a great day. All went well in the gym, 5-Pound Phooey only chewed out one dog, a very big dog, I might add, Sara showed me a picture of the last sex scene from Showtime's The Tudors (It's H-O-T), and weather has been fabulous. It's always fun when a girl tells you how wet she gets after watching an amazing sex scene from a movie. Happy twats all around.

There Is A Point Here

2008-06-15T20:28:00.000-07:00

"Your mom can tell you that you are beautiful but you and I both know that it's possible you're swinging from the Ugly Tree."

-Me

It's Sunday and, for me, that means cleaning up the excessive sweat that continues to pour down my face everyday. Sara would be especially proud to know that I pulled out quite a few asshole hairs while watching Gene Simmons's Family Jewels on A&E. Love that show. Hated realizing I've got a lot of hairs around the ol' brown eye.

Laugh all you want. You and I both know that much of the cleaning up you do around your body is for your mate. Sara enjoys popping the occasional zit that appears on my back or face, especially right before a shower together. We're apes, dammit! Enjoy sitting in front of each other and eating various bugs walking up and down your neck and breasts. See an ant? Gulp it down fast because those fuckers are sour, yo.

Actually, we do not eat bugs off each other. I don't recommend it but only use that as an example as to how far we go in pleasing our mates. Grooming is nice and feels so fucking good when the day has ended. I can sit here at the computer and say to myself, "There are 26 less hairs around my asshole. I smell so fucking good that you'd say my ass is as fine as the Queen's rose garden. No more armpit hairs and 125 less ball hairs. Face stubble is down to nil. My hair? Fucking all over the place just as before. High-five!" Yes, I love my life and will continue to make fun of myself because there is nothing better than a boy with less hairs on his ass. It must suck to be over 35 because I bet the wives have never seen a smooth hiney on their husbands. Ever.

This R. Kelly trial bothers me in a different way than others. While I am very much against child porn, I don't understand why people act like it's this new thing or epidemic that's suddenly causing older males to seek out young girls. Oh, have you seen Myspace? Facebook? Anything where a teenage girl and a camera become one? Thongs for 10-year-olds? You bet! 8-year-olds that go for bikini waxes? L.A. has 'em at a time I would have been freaked out at even a movie poster's actors seeing my penis. Girls, when given cameras, need to be watched very carefully.

Do you want to know why your little girls are whores? Let's go further by taking you to the toy store where their heroes are more into labels rather than reading. Paris Hilton is considered a hero for doing nothing. Trashy mags celebrate celebrities that get drunk and pee in public afterwards. The 50's had classy actors and actresses that dressed well before entering a major restaurant. We have Tara Reid not realizing her recently redone tit pop out. Sensitivity in the nipples doesn't happen for a few weeks, yo.

That's just my way of saying that the world is dumb. People don't realize that kids will do anything for attention because shows are all about that, attention and celebrating stupidity. Look, Joey threw up! Let's devote 3 shows to that and then devote a couple to the woman that poop'd on Flava Flav's stairs. At least, Family Jewels shows how an ego-driven former rock star can create some amusingly observant kids.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just slightly grumpy. Sara's banned me from her apartment this weekend because her messy roommate comes back from Italy on Saturday night. I can understand Friday but I rarely get that much time with her anyway. For instance, how would she feel if I went to Bald-O's on her birthday weekend. It's his annual July 4th bash and I haven't seen him for a long, long time. Sara and her roommate have the week and more. Might bring this up with her because it kind of bugs me to be slighted like that. I'm all for Girls' Night but I'm rarely able to be there so it's like Girls' Night for weeks.

What else have I done? Let's see here...............

Picked up fitness tips for Sara. One of my friends in the gym is an older woman with an amazing body, not too muscular yet feminine in all the right places. 40something woman with 3 kids that drives even the younger guys in my gym nuts means things are going well. Wouldn't that be a gig? 50something and the girls love my manly chest while their husbands need some 'support?'

Talked to a girl that rollerblades in the park 5-Pound Phooey and I walk through. I've seen her around almost everyday now. Shy at first until you say hi. 5-Pound Phooey's pretty much wiped out while I talk about what a lovely dog she is. While many of her farts are silent, they're still deadly during the summer. The rollerblade girl tried to talk to me yesterday but I was in my grumpy mood mode.

How come my newest issue of Playboy has not come?

If you go to Youtube and type in something about the Nintendo's Wii Fit, there are a lot of half-naked girls using it. Wow! My favorite is Playboy's Jo Garcia. That woman has a body that makes me forget about my lust for M&M's. I don't know if I would be able to control myself if given access to the nude Wii Fit segments. A woman with a gorgeously contained pussy bending over for yoga is a dream come true. Others are more about guys showing off how great their girlfriends look while their fat asses sit on the couch. I'm tempted to get a Wii Fit because there's a running segment where you race characters. I hate running but I am very competitive when it comes to video games and, while I don't have much fat on this body, various people have lost 30-50 pounds. Me? I just want the cardio.

So, I must be off to view more on this Jo Garcia gal. Even the selection of cute little panties as she bends over tingle my fashion sense. No old wrinkly college shorts for this girl. We be Wii'ing in style to drive boys crazy over realizing that they need to stop looking at underage girls hinting at more to come and work out. If that doesn't do it, nothing will. Happy twats all around.

Still Lovin' Indy

2008-06-12T20:29:00.000-07:00

"It's not the number of years, honey. It's the mileage."

-Indiana Jones

Every now and then, I feel as if my own body has taken its toll. Sure, I'm drenched in sweat and could wring out my bandanna less than an hour in. The piles of heavy materials I am forced to carry adds up. The heat has me watching the ice from the machine melt in less than 50 seconds. Nothing, however, can make me feel like I'm nothing when watching Indiana Jones go from getting kicked out of a truck my Nazis, climb underneath, and then back into the seat to kick the shit out of the guy that kicked him out in the first place. I salute you, Dr. Jones.

I've heard various scenarios as to what Hell is. To me, there is humor in meeting Lucifer all because I have this wonderful personality under pressure so that's out. I'm gonna go with what someone once told me:

"Hell is where you've just had explosive wet diarrhea seconds after popping a squat but forgot to notice that the only t.p. provided amasses to less than a square. Relief is not in sight and the damn thing is clogged up as people start banging around for you to hurry up. You also have no socks because they got soaked from the horrible splashes."

My own personal dreams of horror has more to do with being forced to run on a never ending treadmill. I do love to run on occasion but not forever.

Well, actually, I'm in my own personal turmoil. Sara gave me a men's t-shirt from the Vagina Monologues. Remember that? That was way back in February, the 14th to be exact. The play was nice and Sara gave an amazing performance as a woman that loves to make vaginas happy (who doesn't?). I'm just a tad bit nervous on wearing a t-shirt in front of my mother that bears the word 'vagina' clearly.

It's kind of weird. I've always been in love with the word, 'vagina.' It's pretty damn cool! Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina! You could take it and see it as a disease because the uniqueness in how it sounds tends to breed such a thing. 'Penis' does, too. Plus, V-words are cool, like 'villain,' or 'vixen.' Ya gotta get those naughty words out even if you are clearly telling your mother that, yes, you have seen a vagina as clear as day. It was there in front of me telling me to eat it. Giggles abound! Woman moans and writhes. Woman sighs and is satisfied. Vagina is closed for business.

I hate hearing how so many pets are now being abandoned thanks to families having a hard time in this economy. There is no day like a day spent with 5-Pound Phooey.

Today, some lady stopped her truck in front of me while I walked 5-Pound Phooey. In it, was a small Yorkshire Terrier just like mine. Adorable looking, too. My guess is that the lady wanted to know about 5-Pound Phooey so I put her up to the window to meet this dog riding shotgun. Seconds later, my little 4-legged beast goes apeshit by chewing out the little dog in the truck. Why my dog will never get along with others, I will never know. Attitude is everything.

Plus, a chihuahua sniffed her butt earlier. 5-Pound Phooey doesn't like it when a cold nose ends up pressed against her bunghole.

So, I've got to go after finally being able to watch Raiders Of the Lost Ark on TV. Still the best of the 4 and rightfully so. Witness the playfulness between Indy and Marion. Come for the snakes. Enjoy the interest in archeology. Best of all, it had adventure hardly any movies are able to match. Now, if they would just put Rambo 3 on again, I'd be a very happy testosterone-fueled male. Sara won't let me watch it when she's in the room. Happy twats all around.

Youtube Calls I Answer

2008-06-11T20:27:00.000-07:00

"What's the one where Christopher Walken dances?"

-Sara (the answer is Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon Of Choice')

Want to know how Sara and I spent our Monday's late night? Of course, you do! You're a voyeur even if you won't admit to wanting to know every goddamn detail I'm willing to spill out on this blog. I may not be as normal as you. You see, in my dreams, there are unicorns and all the mice play harmonicas while I burst out in song after 6 Bud Lights. I am anything but boring.

It was Youtube that called to me. Sara and I got to talking about various music from the likes of Janet Jackson where I attempted to do that dance from her music video for 'If.' You know that one. It's where you go from side-to-side like an Egyptian painting only to keep your face forward. Hard to do. Impossible to forget. Just watch 'If' to see where I'm getting at. That song's pretty good, no?

Let's see, til somewhere around 3am, Sara and I watched Youtube while in bed. The lineup was as follows:

1). Janet Jackson's 'If'
2). Janet Jackson's 'You Want This'
3). Janet Jackson's 'Again'
4). Madonna's 'Bad Girl'
5). Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon Of Choice'
6). The Spice Girls' Wannabe'
7). The Spice Girls' 2 Become 1'
8). Madonna's 'Take A Bow'

Yeah, a weird lineup. There is nothing like laying in bed laughing or getting a little emotional over old music videos we once were in love with. I'm still that way when it comes to Madonna's songs, though. 'Take A Bow' was my song that described my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, Kristan. Janet Jackson's 'If' just makes me wonder if I'm a girl because I get emotional when I hear that one just as The Spice Girls' '2 Become 1.' To show you how dumb I can be, I didn't realize that one was about sex until much later.

I dunno. Youtube is fun to bring back memories. Did that a lot yesterday night because I thought of a bunch of videos I haven't seen in so long. Don Henley's 'Boys Of Summer' and 'The End Of the Innocense' were the first two. Looked all over for Dire Straits's 'Across the River,' an amazing song. The New Kids On the Block have 'Tonight,' one where I find myself singing a lot to myself today. And last? How pathetic can I get when Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven Is A Place On Earth' makes me feel like I'm rocking out while staring at the screen? C'mon, you know what that's worth? Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth.

See? I don't spend all my time with Sara by arguing over little things. We'll go for walks across the bridge for brunch. Lucky for us, we finished at 4:10, the time for the new Indiana Jones flick. I paid the $25 for brunch so I got rewarded with tickets to see my 4th one in the theater. How many can still remember when Indiana Jones was still mysterious.

So, Mr. Jones? It's a bit better than okay. The sense of danger is gone all thanks to Steven Spielberg now making movies where very little violence exists with guns. My only resource for this lays in hoping that natives are deadly and might know kung fu. Thankfully, that was there while an evil Russian woman played by Cate Blanchett (is she good in everything or what?) does her best to thwart Mr. Jones from saving the day. The ants were a bit corny but fun is in the movie here and there. Love the look on Indiana Jones's face when a guy washes his crotch with a large brush after an incident with radioactive isotopes.

Since I got 2 new books from an old order, I'm going to mingle on over to them now. One's about a photographer being a voyeur of women in various states of undress. Interest inner cover, very detailed images of up-the-skirt views for us to understand how panties and thongs bunch up. I'll discuss later. One that's going to take me a long, long time is the new Batman Encyclopedia. Is this a dream or what!?! Every fucking villain and storyline! As if I need anything new to learn? Well, I did just find out that the X-Men's Collossus has been gay for some time. I don't even have gaydar in my comic books. Happy twats all around.

We Hiss And Piss

2008-06-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

"They say we behave like an old married couple."

-Sara (two friends we played against in a game of Trivial Pursuit said that to her)

And so I am back! According to sane forecasters, this summer has to be the absolute worst in history. Not only are we still under Bush's regime (Calgon, take me away!) but massive floodings in the midwest, possible hurricanes for the south, gas prices making fat people ride bikes to Burger Kings everywhere, an old geezer that thinks he should be president and looks like he smells worse than a week-old tampon, and nothing but the topic of gas prices on people's minds while they sit there in air conditioned homes. Ever heard of fucking instead of talking?

It's funny to me. I was begged by my mother not to drive to Indiana due to a storm on its way. Got there just fine. Saturday morning comes along and boy-oh-boy are some people fucked or what!?! The news was all about floodings about an hour away from us. 10-inches of rain from that bastard still worshipped by those that need religion for a crutch. Do you still believe in God? What is your problem in realizing that this might be a way to rid the world of your daily zoning laws that cause me to snooze. Does your god really care if the Marlins win a baseball game or that Slash is a better rocker on Nintendo's Wii than I?

So, what's a weird white boy to do? Play Trivial Pursuit til the wee hours. That's Friday for you, folks. What was supposed to be a short playing of Mario Kart on the Wii turned into a loooooong night of playing 80's Trivial Pursuit against 2 other people. Arguments were had. People were annoyed (me making noise with the die) and I was pretty much drenched in sweat thanks to no air conditioning. Did I give you the impression I had fun? I absolutely loved it! Playing Trivial Pursuit where arguments seemed to come up a lot til 3am is one for the books.

Of course, Sara and I were a team, the winning one thanks to us landing on so many questions about movies. What had me laughing is that the 2 we competed against made it known that she and I act like an old married couple, always bickering or giving dirty looks to each other over something trivial. I say this. If you aint arguing, the relationship is pretty much a bore, no?

I've always thought that Sara and I behaved like Mr. And Mrs. Smith. That movie not only rocked but showed how two people can take marriage and make it a whole other ballgame when the truth of each comes out. From the way I see it, I can be more relaxed about things than Sara. She wanted to watch a small amount of Sex & the City. I was okay. I wanted to watch Rambo. I was not allowed.

So close but yet so far..........

That's just Friday night. Saturday was when all of us got together again and played 90's Trivial Pursuit til the wee hours where my head was barely able to stay on my head. Drunk, too? On those new Bud Light Lime beers. At some point, I got more annoyed with Sara over a few things but those were cleared up later on thanks to long talks into the night. I think she realizes we're pretty much fucked to be together for a long, long time.

I drive her nuts and she likes to play with my nuts.

So, I must be off due to sleepiness. Work, 150 push-ups and sit-ups, and a walk with 5-Pound Phooey really does it in for me. My body is just dead, even after seeing someone I haven't seen since 4th Grade. Is it just me in how I just had to say hello to the first girl to expose herself to me? It was 1st Grade where I saw my first vagina. What's even better? My friend still remembers that moment under the table. My life is anything but boring. Happy twats all around.

Rode With My Mommy

2008-06-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Oh, the memories! There is nothing like being picked up by Mommy after work where your mind travels back to the first days of kindergarten. Felt like I was 4-inches but I had vigor, baby!"

-Me

At least I have an excuse. When the car's in the shop, you'll ride with anyone. Be it, Bin Laden, Satan, or Hilary Clinton, you'll find me just wanting to get home somehow. Do you think Bin Laden would try to change Satan's choice in easy listening music on the radio? You know the old saying where you are to never touch a black man's radio. What would Satan do?

So, all I hear is this whining about Hillary Clinton getting a bum deal from the Primaries. Oh, how I love it when women suddenly come out of the woodwork to defend things but miss the real issue as to why this woman lost. To me, Hillary always represented herself as a woman that lusted for power. She and her husband played dirty politics at a time where people, even those deemed too stupid to know it, got tired of it all. I'm always irritated by women that come into a very difficult area, proclaim that they are going to get down and play only to tell everyone that there are new rules. Hillary bragged about being in politics, very much traditionally male, only to then cry about things not being fair. If you want to get into a game of tackle football with me and the boys I played with in college, we sure as hell aint changing thing to touch just for you.

What I was thinking at work was this. Obama lost West Virginia majorly, a place that is well-known as being Republican tough since 1964. Fine. A lot of people were interviewed about their particular votes and many stated that Hillary would be the best Democratic candidate. Another fine from me. However, when asked why, a lot of those (and on TV!) told the interviewer that they just don't trust a black man in the White House. All because of race!?! There would be mucho respect from me if Hillary saw these interviews and mentioned how awful things are if voting depended so much on skin color.

Oh, and I've been told that my views on blacks sides with being controversial. Funny thing is that my black friends tend to agree with me on a lot of these things. I'm tired of black leaders ignoring the real problems plaguing the black community, allowing those growing up to dumb themselves down. Grades? It's all about sneakers. Who gives a fuck about grades? Caught by the cops? Play the race card and watch a community divide itself where one side says it's okay for the black teen to tell a cop to go fuck himself. You know things are fucked up when a foreign black guy asks me what's wrong with American black kids.

Obama has it. He looks presidential, talks in sentences where he doesn't dumb himself down (a minor nay because a lot of people are not smart enough to understand political talk), and he's the first candidate that I believe can change things for the better. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Experience? We've spent the last 8 years being led by an idiot leader from Texas that cannot figure out how to put a sentence together. There is a never-ending war being fought where America is going bankrupt all because this idiot thinks God told him to run for president. Did you know the lowest test scoring kids come from Texas?

I'm better now even if the heat made it almost unbearable at work. My tank-top looked like I jumped into a pool with it on. Love it. While I hate sweat, it certainly has a nice usage in making my limbs more movable due to the lubrication provided. Look at it this way. Isn't it nice when your boyfriends squirt lots of lube on their cocks just before shoving them up your cunts or asses? My whole body becomes a slip-n-slide where I could pour water on myself but there would be no difference in how I looked.

As for my car, it is now fine. In fact, in my dad's words, it 'purrs.' Weird. The gas mileage should be nice with this little gadget added to the new radiator and brakes. I don't know cars. What I do know is how to pick up heavy objects and then set them back down. Cars are confusing so I leave these things to the experts around me, my dad and little brother.

Came across a video of a woman on her knees drinking 2 guys' piss. What makes a person wonder what it would be like to go out in a somewhat busy area of backroads, have a girl get on her knees to unzip 2 guys, pull out their penises and drink their piss? I know that it's still kind of new to me that some women do enjoy watching guys urinate (women talk about the most interesting things in blogs) but this woman confuses me. Is it the humiliation that she gets off on? I've driven backroads and interstates a whole lot but never saw something where a woman coos about her tank top getting wet from guys peeing on her.

So, next on the summer movie list? Gotta be Angelina Jolie's Wanted. Oh, how I put off reading that graphic novel for so long for fear of being let down. While the movie's trailer doesn't get to me as much, I'm hoping that there are some things kept in it that come from the graphic novel itself. The wimp discovers he has major powers and ends up saving himself from a life of major loss of feeling in control. Did you know the so-called good guy is really a bad guy? Really! What makes Wanted so fierce is that all the heroes were killed off and the world is now ruled by the bad guys. One is named after a pile of shit.

Well, I must be off to rest my weary head. I've been playing around in it when it comes to my idea of a threesome or orgy. That is so coming up soon here. It's time to stop playing around and write one of those mad entries where things really come out, nothing nice but all naughty. Put away the political talk. No telling me how the new Indiana Jones rocked. Why is it that Sara has me thinking/planning as to what makes a night where 2 women pass around my cock for major knob slobbing fun? Two bent over and I take my time tearing their pussies apart because screaming turns me on? Scary to think all that comes from a guy that made cutesy noises to his dog during another haircut performed on her. Happy twats all around.

I've Got Blues

2008-06-04T20:27:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes the bar eats you."

-The Big Lebowski

After flying pretty high for the beginning of the week, I'm now a little down. C'mon, life isn't all about just fun, fun, fun til Daddy takes the T-bird away. Instead, Monday's about excess rain. Tuesday's about the flooding after the rain where a small dog had to paddle through the portion draining out of the lake. Wednesday is finding out that you need a new radiator for the car because the damn thing is leaking. Can't a pathetic white boy get a break, yo?

So, I'm sitting here sipping on some sort of 10% juice thing by Minute Maid. While others hit the bottle to make TV watching a little bit smoother, I'm off in my own sort of la-la land drinking something I normally don't drink. It's always about the 100% juice because it's healthier. Oh, who am I kidding!?! I left my damn Coronas at Sara's apartment.

Thankfully, I have a dad that understands cars. Watching him outside working on the radiator makes me wonder if maybe he does care more about me than I thought. Yeah, I'm his blood and all that but we rarely talk, etc. So what is it that something like this has him springing to his feet and helping? Even if I really wish he'd put more effort on fixing his health. Watching someone eat all day bothers me a lot.

I know. I revealed it before as to why I have a major problem with obesity. Why don't people care about themselves a bit more? There are those that are close to these people that constantly eat themselves to death. Heart attacks? I've come home to find my dad being taken away in an ambulance. Beat that, fucker.

Fact: Did you know I have to work out thanks to my own heart issues? In my old blog, I admitted to having a very serious problem with cholesterol clogging me up if I don't do some sort of activity. What better motivation than death?

Hoping I get to Indiana this weekend. I'm thinking that Sara's email entails she is not wanting to do the hiking, canoeing, and various activities at a friend's farm located just under 2 hours away. Me, too. While I don't have any major issues with being outside, now is not the time thanks to 90 degrees coming on strong. Some of us like to smell good. If it were 50-60 degrees, count me in. I'm all for the possibility of someone being insane enough to skinnydip at such a temperature.

Funny. Right now I realize how my dad and I seem to both have this tendency to do something. I mean, we HAVE TO have something to do or we become bored. Many can veg out on the couch. I'm wandering around or taking out trash or even vacuuming. The sight of a man vacuuming is porn to women.

So, that's the human side of me tonight. It's either Wednesday or Thursday that I get kind of down. If I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up next to at night, there would be a case of venom spitting out of this mouth and onto this blog.

And this is where I leaveth you. One of the coolest things in the world is seeing row of guys sitting together and waiting for work to start. In comes a girl with a fine ass. All eyes go to her bottom as she walks away. High-fives all around. Ladies know the power of a good booty. My own dog has issues with me since she is very sensitive about trimming the hair around her feet. It's almost like I hurt her feelings because 5-Pound Phooey wanted nothing to do with me afterwards. After much nudging and me tugging her ears with my mouth, she came back.

And We Are Now Topless!

2008-06-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

"Let's get sweaty!"

-Semi Pro

That's starting to be my motto each morning here. When 8pm rolls around, every article of clothing in a drenched state is clinging to me. Work is just to start, then it's off to the gym, but it's only after I get back from walking 5-Pound Phooey that I can peel things off of me. It used to be that I hated all this but am now getting used to it all. Maybe the heat can be a good thing. Makes the bath water look a lot more interesting as I lay there taking in its soothing massages.

Had an interesting walk today. Due to the early sudden 2-inches of rain that fell, pretty much the whole lake flooded. Fascinating to look at. Horrible to cross because I couldn't finish the route unless I got a little wet. Yuck. Walked into the smallest portion of lake all while wearing my old Air Jordan 5's. 5-Pound Phooey, very unhappy, used a small amount of swimming ability. I knew my dog has talents and talks a lot of trash but that was new. Wouldn't mind it if a small fish came up and bit her on the ass.

Oh, and for those of you that have read me for a long time, yes, it's the season where I go for walks topless. The jaw dropping started the day I started. Who knew that a man's nipples can excite the ladies like that? With a pectoralis (chest, dummy) like this, there is no way I am running. Baywatch for women is not what I'm about. Then again, 5-Pound Phooey would tell you that a part of this is because of her fancy new 'do.

Go ahead, I love to bring about this idea that I have no shame. I'm in a good mood. You see, the sex with Sara last time was so good I can't wait to make her pussy see stars again. Summer brings a weirdness in me. While the allergies annoy here and there, the blood flows throughout me so well that I've got a need to release all this sexual energy. Since Sara is pretty much a nymphomaniac, she loves to take it all in as it cums. Gas prices might have something to do with it, too, since no one wants to fill up to go someplace. Just fuck.

But then there are the things that bring us back to reality. The nerve of having to get oil changes. This is one thing I absolutely hate, getting an oil change. There's more to it than just that thanks to this place I go to and I only like to keep my car in as good of shape as I can keep it before dumping it in 2 or more months. Yeah, I've got plans that have me never paying for gas again thanks to Volkswagon.

If you are a fan of black humor, might I suggest Showtime's Weeds? Hilarious here and there with a weird way of bringing you in fast. Years ago, a little-known show called Veronica Mars made me its bitch all thanks to one episode. Weeds did that, too, and I fell in love with our suburban widow turned weed dealer that could, Nancy. You see, Nancy has a tendency to get herself in a lot of trouble all thanks to the family and friends around her. Various people want into all the money making or they're there to blackmail her. I've always been a fan of humor that doesn't sit well with the aging group of blowhards that think life is about doing the right thing all the time. How can you not see the humor in a brother losing his toe to a dog only to become a porn star for a certain variety of foot fetish people that like those with less than 5 toes on a foot? An orgasm just isn't possible with more than 4, dammit! Does a scary Eskimo do it for you? How about if he's a bounty hunter that leaves a 12-year-old at a convenience center with the keys to a van?

Yeah, I bought Weeds Season 3 today at Best Buy. Had to. My dad and I are nuts about it all while salivating at the 4th one coming up. Is it okay to be impressed that your girlfriend recognizes the porn star Lexington Steele and his 13-inch dick? Well, he makes a guest appearance.

So, I hope that does it for you tonight, folks. I've got another 3 days of sweatiness to roll me out of the week. Hoping that Sara got a job. What else? I smell good right now. Finished X Rated Bloodsuckers and am now on Kama Sutra Of the Undead. It's not exactly a porno vampire book series but one where the private-eye just so happens to be one. It helps when your partner wants to try out all the positions just to see you reach for an ice pack to place on your crotch afterwards. I've had that happen before. Not going there. Happy twats all around.

Insert Lost Boy Joke Here

2008-06-01T20:27:00.001-07:00

Me: "Just how many people know about the size of my balls?"

Sara: "Uh....everyone?"

Ah, yes, I had to have another discussion with Sara about some things that come up over and over again. I almost forgot how I had to listen to her tell me the size of a penis belonging to a friend of hers. The haps is that at some point the size and girth of girls' boyfriends' purple headed yogurt slingers come up for a discussion or two. For me, it's always about the balls. Sometimes, I wish she'd share some of my girth.

Well, this has been a very busy weekend! How many of y'all just suddenly decide to cut your dog's hair? I'm not sure if it was the Don't Mess With Zohan movie trailers or my own insanity on a hot weekend that brought this on. There is nothing like witnessing a small amount of thrill in being a hairdresser within. But there I was with dog standing on couch as I snipped, snipped there, and snipped all over to make a completely hairy dog look like a million bucks. It's no joke. 5-Pound Phooey looks damn good.

You know what's funny? Taking your dog out for a walk after her getting a new 'do really livens her up. It's almost like a Sex And the City episode where the character wants to show off her new Jimmy Choos or something. 5-Pound Phooey knows she looks good and wants everyone else to know it. That's probably why she chewed out a beagle-mix. When it comes to 5-Pound Phooey, she demands attention.

Of course, we got the daily smacked-by-the-cat moments. Little dog jumps up to look in the window while the cat does its best to layeth-the-smacketh down with some paw power.

Gas prices may be what everyone's complaining about. Sure, it hits me hard when it comes to driving out to Indiana. There's not much else for me to discuss. There is warmth within me when I see a lardass attempt to ride a bicycle again in order to get her from Point A to Point B. In other words, there's a good chance McDonald's is going to be dinner again but there is no drive-thru. No matter how many times the bike's bell rings, a fat chick just cannot get her onion rings.

I'm going to ask a simple question. Why do you need to go anywhere? I mean, work is over. Dinner is done. Hells bells, why can't you just stay home and enjoy what you have? Read a book instead of driving aimlessly to cure boredom. Did you ever think of having sex? This is your house, gas prices are high so why not burn off a few calories by being bent over the kitchen sink and taking it up the ass again? Last weekend, when Sara and I needed to go anywhere, it was by walking. When things cooled down, we had sex. It's that simple. We didn't have to throw away money and burned several hundred calories when she insisted I pound her pussy into stars.

There are funny moments. I walk down the hall to find my mother asking me if I knew who just called. Me not paying attention to things, I didn't even know someone had called. It was Sara that talked to my mom. Not me. My mother. I'll admit to laughing a bit because it was mostly about the bad weather, a horrible storm that hit hard for a short period of time. The impression I got was that Sara was hiding in the bathroom with the cat during it all. The apartment contains Sara, a cat, and the ghost. I'm sure it was in the bathroom as well.

Brown people like to play a lot of cricket. I very rarely see brown people unless it has to do with walking near an insurance company or playing this sport in the park. Only once have I see the wives/girlfriends of these amazing athletes in button downs talking like ants are crawling up their butts.

So, I must be off to read another exciting chapter in my new book, X-Rated Bloodsuckers. Not many authors have had the combination of vampires and the porno industry to write about. Obviously, they both suck. Dumb joke but it had to be done. Could you picture a young Keifer Sutherland from The Lost Boys saying something like that? He'd be asked to get off the boardwalk only to hunt you the fuck down, amigo. Happy twats all around.

Night Swimming

2008-05-29T20:26:00.001-07:00

Me: "What, do I stink?"

Sara: "Mm-hmm."

-You have to enjoy the loveliness of honesty in relationships. Or, at least, understand that I tend to get night sweats, one of life's greatest pleasures of burning off just about every calorie so a girl can wake up next to a six-pack. In my case, it's a 4-pack of rippled stomach.

So, how's life? We're heading for storm central as many destructive ones are headed this way tomorrow. Rain is the last thing this town needs, trust me on that one. The only good thing is that I can rest my sore hamstring and skinned big toe on my left foot instead of having to go for another damn walk with 5-Pound Phooey where she shoots her mouth off or gets smacked in the face by a cat.

I spent some of Monday afternoon looking at information on 'night sweats.' Well, Sara keeps pointing out how hot I get at night and leave my side of the bed's sheets all crinkly. It's weird.....really when it comes to finding out just how hot my body gets. Fun in the winter but awfully nasty in the summer. In my defense, that statement above came after a long day of work, etc. Sara says I smell good normally, as long as I'm not under too many covers.

Sara equals cold. Mike equals H-O-T.

Apparently, these 'night sweats' are normal. While it can be a pain to find sheets slowly drying out, I'm definitely all for the burning off of calories. Really. I've had moments where I ate a big meal, feel bloated, and wake up like I did 1,000 sit-ups. Be jealous all you want but these moments don't happen here. In fact, it's quite rare for me to get 'night sweats' at home. I'm pretty much fine so it might be some sort of reaction to the cat in the apartment or the large amount of layers that Sara insists on sleeping under. Me? Summer's are better spent buck naked while winters need only a sheet while being on top of a comforter. You read that right. Love sleeping on top of a very soft comforter.

I'm skinny, spoiled, in a relationship that continues to tickle my brain and dick, and full of life. Don't be jealous. See me for how I thrill myself and take life in for your own needs. Sara says I can entertain the fuck out of her.

To answer the biggest question on your minds, no, I have not seen the new Indiana Jones flick. Oh, do I! While I'm not completely thrilled with seeing an aging Indy facing new dangers, it does bring back a time where I was thrilled to be in the theater. The sad thing I find about age is that I am the only one within the group in Indiana that has seen all 3 movies in the theater. It's all about Raiders Of the Lost Ark. Hands down. It is THE best one. Nothing beats seeing Indiana Jones getting diarrhea so it's inevitable that he shoot that big nasty swordsman.

Raiders Of the Lost Ark? Can slightly remember being in the theater, had coloring books where I was obsessed with Indy's gun holster (I was.......like weird, no?), fell in love with Marion (who knew drinking boys under the table would turn me on), got mystical about the Ark, and couldn't get enough of the evil Nazi in the black trenchcoat. What's not to like? I remember recording the theme song for my mother and insisted that be hers as she drove off to teach 3rd Grade. Sometimes, you have to give Mum a little pat out the door.

Oh, this brings up something. Sara and I did a poll because we got into a small argument about which Indiana Jones flick is best. I said Raiders while she said The Last Crusade. Yeah, the third one was good but nowhere near as my Raiders. Funny thing happened. Every girl that we asked said the The Last Crusade while all the males said Raiders at the wedding's reception. I just cannot fathom why because that first one had so much, especially the mysteriousness of Indiana Jones. C'mon, there's a reason that girl in his classroom wrote those words on her eyelids. I'd have a crush on him, too, if I knew what he was up to on the weekends where it's not watching football but trying to not get run over by a giant boulder while half-naked natives give chase.

You can imagine what happened next. We tried to get Indiana Jones on DVD or hope that a showing was on cable. No luck. All checked out at Blockbuster while the stations weren't playing anything. Weird. This was the weekend for such a thing but whoever decides viewing choices is an idiot. Why didn't I buy a copy? Already have one but it got left here in Illinois. Who else remembers Mr. Jones being on TBS so often that you wonder why its not on now?

Lucky for me, I was merrily drunk on Saturday night, relaxed by various tweeks taken out, and had 2 kittens to play with. Yeah, forgot to tell about that part. The owners of the house we went crazy at after the wedding took in 2 kittens a bit too early. They're 3 weeks old and boy are they tiny. All drunken debauchery comes to a halt when you find 2 tiny little orange bodies pouncing around with socks stuffed with cotton balls on their butts. Potty training for cats 101 has begun. 3 weeks is too soon for kittens to be taken from their mother.

So, sit back and relax as I get back into the swing of things here on Blogger. Tiredness, aching muscles, and distractions will flutter away like yesterday's fart. More to come as Sara brings up another thought on a threesome when I met a friend of hers she likes at the party. Why does she wait til afterwards to tell me that this girl is a dominatrix? Possibly because it's not good to interrupt a drunken male that continues to think 80's music is best when being driven home after a good time. Happy twats all around.