I'm Still Gone

I dunno. It's different coming back here after a long absence provided by Facebook. Do I miss it? Very lightly. No one comes by to talk to me unless it involves Facebook. Makes me wonder if people talked to here think of me as just some form of entertainment. Ah, the busy life. I've just celebrated 4 years with Sara and we behave like an old couple these days, too tired to fuck. Arguing only takes place lightly because we both fall asleep so fast. I've started chatting up people I haven't seen in over 10 years thanks to Facebook. IM'ing is fun because at least one of my friends is on throughout the day or night. Seen the new movie, Let the Right One In? Haunting vampire movie where a 12-year-old girl is lonely enough to strike up a friendship with a bullied boy next door. Found myself cheering when one of the bullies was beheaded. Little kids can be so cruel. Happy twats all around.

Goodbye?

This just might be the end. My readers have disappeared. I'm more involved with Facebook. Hardly anyone speaks back to me on this blog and I grow bored when people have nothing to say. We'll see............

Experiencing computer problems. Thanks for asking. Might be back.

Afros And Dildos

"This week, I got by with a little help from my friends."

-Me

Never mind the snow. I sure as hell don't. Never mind the mindless idiots at work. I sure as hell didn't. Why? This is going to sound weird but Facebook has now provided me with the ability to ignore the frustrations that seemed to plague my whole existence.

It's weird to find that all sorts of people found me just because I typed my name into a website. While I was fearful of people I hate shoveling it high and hot, this hasn't been the case at all. I'm now back to talking to a few people I haven't heard from in so long that the good memories creep back in. Facebook is a whole network of people being plugged in so keeping in touch has become simple for me. No more keeping track of a mass of emails. No more hating how so many people read my blog only to never announce themselves. I'm free!

Of course, I got lucky at work. Someone shipped a large box that fell apart. In it was a large amount of 60's and 70's porn for projectors. Large amounts of pictures of various women of all sizes with massive bushes! It was hard not to laugh as my male co-workers had a blast knowing their grandparents probably rubbed 'em out to these protected works of art. Who would have thought that interracial porn was so rebellious back then since we're so used to it now?

So, I'm off to sleep soon due to a doctor's appointment. The snow is kind of pretty to look at from the window but a major bitch to deal with once you set foot outside. Happy twats all around.

Now On Facebook

"New things to do. People to amuse me."

-Me

Since things have been so quiet here on the blog-front, I've been playing around on Facebook. As you know, Sara signed me up. Good thing. It's like a new toy for me and I find myself laughing at some of the things our tight-knit group comes up with. For one thing, people pretty much comment all the time or come up with something to say, something that's dying here on Blogger.

I'll blog but I really like keeping up with the group of people from Indiana right now. If you want, come to Facebook and send me a poke that you'd like to add me as a friend. This means you know my name or email address used in the search feature. You'll get to see the group of people that keep me so young as a reward.

Be warned: white trash has learned to use the Internet. Why would you be so proud of your night at Chuck E Cheese after the age of 10?

So, hang in there. I'm still here. 2 people added me today and plenty more to come as I've found some of my old high school chums. It's amazing to know where some people ended up. Never go full-retard is my advice of the day. Happy twats all around.

Spoken To Like A Child

"Never ever be so gullible as to trusting those in politics by turning your back."

-Me

Today was historical. Not only do we have our first black president but I got a verbal warning at work. There is nothing better than to now remember the most frustrating event forever and ever. I should be celebrating the leaving of a 'C' student from the most powerful position in the world. Instead, I am cursing the hells of employment.

The most important thing is, of course, Obama. It's fascinating how just the color of his skin has many people up in arms. I'm a realist and know how so many white Republicans see this election as being tainted due to this. Just look at some of the infamous Myspace pictures put up by these people. Yeah, the 'N' word gets thrown around along with how great Jeezus is. Why is it that many sat so quiet while Bush made mistake after mistake? Whites can be extremely dumb, too.

Whatever your belief, I must say that Obama better get to work because this world is beyond a mess/crisis. We've got more people out of work than I've ever seen in my life. It's no longer considered a diss when mentioning the fact you are unemployed. It's just that fucking hard to get a job where you can live while, yes, there are still people too lazy to do anything about it. Hell, no one wants my job and I'll get into that......

Today, I got a verbal warning. I kind of laugh about it because it made me feel like I am back in high school again. Then again, it could be how my boss, younger than me, feels the need to talk down to me. So, I missed one day due to being in Indiana. Ya know what? I've come in extremely sick yet told to work faster/harder. There have been times I've come close to throwing up but I trekked on. This all comes after learning that all this treating us as children is due to our bosses making a little extra change off of our hard work. Do we see a dime?

I'm not the type to not show up for work. I've got a life, ya know? It just so happens to be a bit over an hour away. Nice one if a guy can get it. A job's just......a job. I do it and leave. These aren't the types of people I'd normally hang out with but work with. When I see bad treatment, I'm not going to give it over 100%. What idiot would allow others to make more money off of the sweat of others? You'd be crazy since I see a lot of on-the-job injuries. Ask me about which bodypart feels like it's going to fall off.

Nothing's going to change. I'll probably be getting verbal warning from here on out due to these new policies that come out of nowhere. See? The bad economy gives managers the feeling that they can look down at us while they just stand there watching us run around like little trained maniacs. I'm not one of those. I tend to run with the bad crowd and just do what I am told without all that ass kissing.

Had a good time in Indiana so a verbal warning was worth it. Came back today to a happy little dog and feeling a bit more energetic. Rough sex tends to get things going again all while relaxing the body's frantic state.

One thing is new. I'm now on Facebook. Oh, how I've crumbled and bowed down to the Internet thanks to Sara's signing me up. I'm now faced with possibly talking to people I've not seen for over a decade. Many rightfully so. There's a few I'd like to see what's happened to them but not many. I'm wary of those that wore out their welcomes years ago and I must admit to being easily agitated over old memories that haunt me. We'll see......

So, I leave with a little anger but also happiness. I'm my own person all while being happy that we seem to have a good guy in charge of the U.S. Will people stop hating us? Can we send the racist Republicans into the sea to be shark chum? Happy twats all around.

Redder Than You

Hi, we're at -20 degrees. How are you? Do you know what it's like when you step out into the night's air and feel as if your ears are going to fall off? Do you have a nose? It'll be redder than Jenna Jameson's clit after an all-night sex session. Are there boogers in your nose? Gonna feel like a whole mass of 'em decided to band together and get harder than a 10-year old pile of dogshit. Got all your fingers? Aint gonna be able to close your hand, motherfucker.

To all of you that complain while living in 60 degree weather........I say y'all are a bunch o' day old flimsy dirty laundry. I'm a polar bear. 10 degree weather means nothing to me. But at -20 degrees? I'm beginning to wonder if I'm as hung as Sara says I am.

I can be thankful of one thing. The old man didn't reek of messy ass. There is hope in the world for at least one thing went right.

Something New. Something Brown.

"Oh gawd, no! Ah's gots to get up, work out, eat lunch, go to work, come home a mess, find something to keep me from getting depressed, go to bed, and repeat!"

-Me

The smell of ass is not a nice smell. Am I right, ladies? It's one of those odors that can really hit your nose so hard you'll feel like a boxer hit it perfectly. How is it possible for someone to forget to wash their ass?

I must be cursed for the last two moments of employment have brought me into buildings occupied by a co-worker that does not bathe. Remember way back when when it came to Stinky? Oh, how I have not forgotten a fat nerdy white guy that smelled worse than the typical Muslim forgoing deodarant due to religious reasons. Those were the days where I didn't need to call out Stinky's name. I could just point my nose up in the air and, depending on how strong the smell of him was, clearly told me where he was.

Plus, I will never forget Stinky's sudden blurting out that he masturbates to Japanese Manga movies, cartoons with exaggerated breasts and penises. The moment this happened made work go by so fast that night.

So, let it be known. I have spent the last 3 days working in an environment where one of my co-workers has taken a dump in his pants to announce his presence. "I am here! Let my turds be known!" I shit you not. I've spent time during out meetings before work even takes place keeled over due to the smell of the man. Somehow, I am admitting that I will take back the smell of Stinky if it meant ridding these new fumes.

It is a first to work with someone that reeks of shit. This place has warned this old man, from what I've been told. I'm not sure why it has no effect. You'd think that people nearly dying all around you would make you take notice that it is time to wash that old ass. Even a comedian my parents loved had a perfectly named title:

"You've gotta wash yo' ass."

I couldn't have said it better myself. No one likes to smell like poop. Well, maybe kindergarteners or those younger. Hell, I'm sure there is a kid you remember from school that would come smelling like shit. We had one, white kid with a gigantic ass named 'Clay.' Many a person was known to get sick sitting behind him.

I know this entry sounds weird but I'm in need of a venting. I'm extremely senstive to smell and will bask in the glories of those that I love. There is something that makes me as high as a sprite when it comes to Japanese blossoms, vanilla, amber, and especially strawberries. Of course, I do love the smell of pussy and if you sit in front of me clothed, with your legs spread, I can tell you what yours smells like. My only issue, even with the ones before, is that your pussy doesn't have too strong of a smell.

Shit and ass just ruin my days at work now. How can someone go to work smelling like this all while walking around with filthy skidmarks!?!

In other news, my mom and I have patched things up for now. Work sucks even more because of something I cannot understand. The weather is absolutely awful. I need sex. An Italian girl that is very shy in my gym has a crush on me. Old Nick has given me an idea as to how to make mowing your lawn much more fun (Hint: It involves beer). I'm going to Indiana this weekend.

Should I talk of the swingers Sara and I met on New Year's Eve? Due to my inner horniness where I try to avoid realizing that an older guy nearby smells of shit, my mind goes there.

So, I am outta here during another fine day of coldest of cold air making itself known. Only the true freaks of the gym go at this time. Funny to see the shy Italian girl that will not miss a moment of running nearby me. She's nice so I have coaxed out smiles from her rather than her typical scowls. Hard to explain but she is so guarded until you knock down that shyness. Working out is more fun when everyone around you is open to being goofy. Happy twats all around.

Mothers

"Hell hath no fury like a son pissed off over a mother's mistake towards his girlfriend."

-Me

Well, that's a kind of a good quote but only if said mother actually understands the fucking damage she does when opening her fucking mouth.

Moms. Can't live with 'em. Can't understand why they still have no understanding over the concept of sharing.

Life just got more complicated. It looks like Circuit City, the second most well-known leading electronics seller, is going to completely fold. The reason why this is bad? Someone has to keep Best Buy honest. Trust me. Those boys are pretty damn sneaky on how they run things. Best Buy rips you off, here and there, by running as if its taken over Wal-Mart's ways. Don't get me wrong for I do like Best Buy. They're just sneaky......even if Circuit City was kind of a ghetto version of it where the parking lot was pretty much empty at all times.

Plus, our WaldenBooks is closing! Wow! That store has been open forever in this town so it'll feel odd with it being gone. It holds something special with me because I bought my first Playboy from there. The first time went great but then I was carded. Actually, let me tell you the story.......

A long time ago, I went to WaldenBooks for no reason other than to browse. Somehow, I just decided to pick up the newest issue of Playboy at the time. There was nothing else there that amused me so why not? The model, Stephanie Seymour, was on the cover and I was curious as to what kind of bush or no bush she had. Trust me. The slightest hint of pubic hair displayed to a 16-year-old causes mild convulsions in the crotch area, very pleasant, too. Lucky for me, the clerk let me go out the door with that issue of Playboy. My once shaky hands were now itching through the issue's pages in hopes of seeing the loveliness of Stephanie. Oh, was it worth it! There she was on a picnic table with a very obvious small snatch of hair between her legs.

Man, you don't know how fucking nervous I was to purchase an issue of Playboy from WaldenBooks. That day is forever etched in my memory banks of weird things that mean a lot to me. Hell, the guy that let me leave with it had glasses. This was years and years ago so it's obvious this memory means something.

Of course, me being me, I had to see if purchasing the next issue of Playboy would happen again. It's monthly, ya know. Sure, I had a subscription but sometimes the store got them ahead of me. Stephanie beckoned the call of nature now it was some girl in rollerblades. Nope. I had to honor the fact that I was turned down for being too young. 16 years of age just didn't allow this male's pupils to widen over the sight of personal hair now unwanted in this day of age. One of the worst rejections is to find you are just too young. I could be as ugly as a cat's butt. I could be as retarded as the high school kid that nearly bit me before boarding the short bus. I just couldn't purchase nudity because I was 2 years off.

Just to show my sadistic side, I do sometimes wish to hold the power of allowing nudie magazines to be purchased while working in a bookstore. I'd taunt and tease as I look up and down over someone that is obviously of age and ask for I.D. Or if it's a kid that is definitely younger than 18, I'd yell out for a price-check on Hustler or try to start up a conversation on the benefits of porn. The only thing is no bookstore sells Hustler. Plus, my own girlfriend would love to get into a long discussion on the power of porn.

My guess is that I'm the only one that's happy for Israel's fighting back against Hamas. Fascinating how there are so many protests against this. How would these naive idiots feel if someone constantly sent shells into their homes during a cease-fire period? Plus, Hamas sets up its headquarters near or in schools just to taunt Israel. Talk about not playing fair.

Yeah, I was here this weekend but a lot of distractions came up. Namely, my mother called up Sara to tell her to stay home. 3 times. This pissed me off. Sara was going to come here at some point but my mother was out of her goddamn mind for some reason. Sara needs sex. Hell, I need sex to keep the weird insect-like creatures from overtaking my already fragile mind.

Kidding. There are no 'insect-like creatures.' I'm sorry to say that, yes, my mind is fragile, though.

So, I must be off after watching FX's showing of Hellboy. Ever seen it? It's good but the sequel is amazing! Who the hell comes up with the idea of World War 2 soldiers finding a demon that was supposed to be nurtured by Nazis only to become a part of a team sent to help rid the world of bad things? Oh, Hellboy really likes cats and candy. It's charming when something destined for evil understands women's needs for the furry companions. Happy twats all around.

Benjamin?

"I'm motivated by the fact that I wish to spend my evenings face-down on the bar."

-Me

While taking into account this movie that I have been obsessed with but have yet to see, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, my girlfriend said something that reminded me of it. While the character played by Brad Pitt ages backwards, I don't seem to fucking age at all! Beat that, Dick Clark! I'm far sexier with bigger balls o' magnitude!

Okay, let's be serious now. I was laying around on Sara's bed (clothed, you pervs) and played around with the contents of my wallet. Lots of old pictures fell out, namely my high school I.D.s. Interesting. I'm pretty sure the last 3 years of high school were in there only to soon find my old college I.D.s as well. Then, came my old drivers licenses. Of course, they were cut in half but the pictures stayed. With all these pictures surrounding me, I showed them to Sara.

"My boyfriend is a vampire."

That's what she said. I don't seem to age at all. While I was only slightly skinnier in an old gym I.D. and various hairstyle changes over the years, everything else was the same. There is nothing to warrant the impact of age. Would I be perfect for the lifestyle I do have a tendency to remember?

"Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."

If you didn't grow up in the 80's, this movie quote will baffle you a bit. People I come across from high school or private school look like shit. Fat bloated people that gave up on life just don't interest me. Why do people think that the best thrill is coming home from work and flipping channels?

Then again, I could be labeled as a retard for enjoying the high caused by a 25-minute treadmill run that leaves me wondering my own sanity. I must be the only one that gets excited about reaching the machine's readout that tells me I burned 100 calories in less than 10-minutes.

"Go retard, go!

I'm a little better. Depression seems to have hit me hard due to my evenings spent walking to the car with the collar of my topcoat pulled up. It's fucking cold these days here in Illinois. A few days here and there is no big issue but a whole week where going outside is avoided as much as possible? I'm not interested in pissing icicles on a tree.

If I don't go to Indiana this weekend, I might edit and add to my Year In Review. Who knows. I'm not entirely satisfied with it since it feels like all those paragraphs feel like they were spit out.

As for New Year's.......it was good. Found out you shouldn't leave a group of girls alone with a karaoke machine. Some of them butchered my favorite songs. What I really want to do is go back in time and sing my best version of Human League's "Don't You Want Me." So many of those girls had no clue as to how a lot of my favorite music goes. Each year, they do Billy Joel's "Piano Man" that's okay, nothing special. To really give it a go, play something that kicks things up and brings out emotions. You cannot go wrong with 80's hair metal.

Yes, there was the inevitable midnight kiss and I was super drunk by midnight. Champagne bottle in hand and lots of shrimp in my belly, that's how this never-aging-guy lives his life. The best part is being put on the spot during a card game. I'm the only guy out of 5 that can name a brand of tampon. Kotex. Somehow, I kept it quiet that I know Playtex Pearl Glides thanks to a girlfriend that gave me a lesson on how great they are. Remember how I used to have a huge fear of tampon boxes?

I'm still afraid of midgets, though. It's the fear of getting into a fight with one. What do I do, get on my knees and go at it? Or do I drop-kick the little shit into the next parking lot?

So, I'm outta here. Card games that bring out a vampire's tampon knowledge. It almost sounds like the two go together. Get it? The best part is forcing all the girls playing to take a drink. Why? They all admit that they gave blowjobs at some point this year. C'mon, get happy. Happy twats all around.

No Likey

Have you ever hated yourself for a period of time? My moment has been going on since New Year's Day and it really hurts when all I can think about is how my Year In Review was far too open. Me, me, me is not the way to go!

Year In Review

"I can see Chicago from my house."

-Me

Well, this is my Year In Review entry. What I'm going to do about all this is to just add things throughout the week, clearly leading into next year. In other words, this is going to one mutha of an entry as I find more things to add each day. You have been warned and, hopefully, offended.

1). The best way to start out all this is by what you see around you. Never before have I seen something like the recession we are in. A mall nearby has closed its doors. People are having an impossible time finding jobs. Worked 25 years for a company? Means nothing as many more get layed off over people worrying over their own money. In other words, is it possible that Americans realize there are more important things than owning everything?

I think a lot of this goes along with watching Sara try and find employment. It was certainly a bitch to see her near giving up. It was in the car coming back that Sara told me she didn't know what she was going to do after being turned down yet again. Even though it's great that she's working at Macy's, there is still the inevitable due to retail's sluggish season ending. Many of my own friends now work less hours at their old jobs only to be forced into working part-time at another job.

What about my job? Been there just over a year, 1 year and 3 months, to be exact. I've had plenty of ups and downs in regards to how I am treated. Yeah, I've got muscles but they do wear the fuck down after hauling things weighing over 50 pounds day after day. Plus, I don't understand why managers bitching you out don't put down their fucking machine thingees to help. I can only do so much, fucker. Plus, why is it that certain employees get treated so much better than us lowly dock workers? Employee morale is a must.

2). Yeah, I supported Obama. In no way do I regret it, even if there are a few things he's done that annoy me. Serves me right. Obama did say that he was willing to work with all, instead of filtering out the bastards that continue to ruin this world. This so-called amazing pastor that has been invited to the Inauguration is just a small issue while the holding off of taxing the rich gets to me more. We are a nation in great distress. Dealing with the issues of allowing gays to marry can wait for now.

But why not? I'm impressed with a presidential hopeful displaying his feelings that gays should be allowed to marry. Tis' would be nice. Think of how the economy would be helped by catering! Gays love to exhibit taste, most likely more so than the typical wedding that tends to look more like white trash exhibit A these days. As much as I do enjoy seeing religious leaders' facial expressions when mentioning a pussy touching another pussy or two dicks finding their way into another male's mouth, it's time to allow gays to marry. Where a person puts their genitals is of no concern to you, reader.

Pray tell. Obama's going to have one hell of a time in the White House. Our current president has left an enormous mess to sort through. No matter what Obama does, there is going to be plenty blame placed his way. The first 100 days, or possibly more, may give him a bit of lee-away due being new and black. In my own view, no matter what Obama does, it will be far superior than what McCain could come up with.

3). Personally, I've grown to slow down in my need to blog. It's a weird thing, to sit here at a computer and feel like I am talking to myself. Seriously, that's how I view this thing. Whatever my mind is going over ends up here in my own little space I have allowed you to read. I've no problem offending you for I am a firm believer that that kind of thing awakens a reader out of his/her little safe spot. Plus, we all enjoy discussing the little weird things about sex. Penises are ridiculous looking. Vaginas? We all know they can wreck havoc with their vast amounts of smells.

Work kind of wears me down to the point that I'd rather do other things than sit here at a computer. With my deaf co-worker to bitch things out with, I'm less prone to outbursts. Ah, yes, being in a large cold truck tends to rock me to sleep. By 11pm, I'm almost as dead as a doornail these days.

That's not to say I don't enjoy blogs. There are a few I've been reading for years and years. Isn't that creepy? When I look back at it all, I realize that I've known some people over the computer for more than 5 years. When it reaches 10 years, I think it's done time we admit we're all married to each other. To think that it was just over 3 years that I was once offered a pair of dirty knickers by a woman that told me I am in need of a good spanking.

4). One thing I will not forget about this year is being told that Sara misses me all the time. Yes, little ol' me, the white boy with no ass, has been hinted at that I need to start thinking of moving to Indiana next year. I still remember that evening very well. For one thing, it was my birthday in an Italian restaurant that Sara had a slightly hard time telling me that I am missed when I leave the bed to go back home.

Obviously, this will be a first. I've never been told that after years of dating, it's time to take the next step. With Sara and I, it all started at her favorite burger restaurant, X-Men 2 in the DVD player, and sex. See? Sex on the first date does tend to keep some guys. So, stop fretting about that blowjob you gave to the guy you picked up on 2nd Street. He might actually come back for another one.

This is where I'm scared. Moving in is a big step. It's an even bigger step when two people have completely different viewpoints on how to keep an apartment/house. I'm neat. Sara is...well, it's like her closet throws up everyday. No matter how hard I try to keep my eyes closed upon entering her room, I just cannot understand how someone can allow large piles of dirty clothes to be all over a room. I've had this slight fantasy of hosting dinner parties in Sara's apartment, as her friends do. How is that possible when there are dirty panties and socks all over the place? It's even harder to feel sexual when the coughing and sneezing overcome me.

5). My car. Oh, lordy! What a great year to experience things go wrong on an interstate! Even better is the fact that I got driven home by a guy with only one hand. Remember Flipper? That was his nickname after having the fingers in one of his hands pulled out by a horse. You just cannot go wrong with a discussion of Flipper over dinner. It's almost like being an astronaut. While he/she might say, "But have you ever been to the moon," I would end up saying, "Yeah, but have you ever been driven home by a guy with only one hand?"

One of the scariest things is having a car break down on the interstate. Fuck! I'm not one to cry but I sure as hell got angry on that hot day driving home. Pulled over to the side and noticed that I only had battery power to get one phone call out. Lucky for me, I met Flipper, of course. I'm certainly not mad about how 30 minutes of being there meant no one else bothered to stop. How many times have you pulled up to a person in distress to help out?

There were other incidents where my car quit. This also brought about the answer as well. My dad changed the fuel type by allowing me to run on E-85. While it does work in the city, the interstate is a whole other matter. Things tend to overheat or the car reads a full tank of E-85 as being empty. Weird. Think of what I went through. 2 or 3 months to figure that all out.

This being a recession, my car went through another ordeal. It was broken into for the first time! Ah-ha! I popped my cherry when it comes to dealing with people that absolutely need your $1.75 of change that consists of nickels and pennies. That's all they got, along with the garage door opener whose code we had to change. Once things settled down, I do admit to a little bit of being freaked that someone had been in my car without my permission. No matter how fucked up the car, intrusion is not warranted.

6). The Dark Knight, what an amazing movie! As of December 29th, I have seen it around 8 times and it just keeps impressing me with how it all came together. Sure, we all hear about Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. While I must say that I was thrilled that it was hype worthy of placing this man up for an Oscar, I must say that, by jolly, the darkness consumed me into a mist that I could not comprehend yet I allowed it to overtake me into its warm embrace. This is what Batman is about.

What people keep forgetting is that Batman is a man obsessed with some sort of psychologically implanted need to rid the world of evil and its ilk. He just does not fuck around. Period. The director, Christopher Nolan (geeks are now in love with this man), gave us a movie full of things that this comic book is famous for. The street fight scene, while there are a lot of good scenes, is something I continue to watch over and over. The Joker, a bit on the suicidal side, dares Batman to bend his rules of not killing no matter how evil the person is. Look at Batman's anger as he is forced to decide on this, even if it means crashing into the truck.

There was no funny sidekick, something that has irritated me to no avail. When it came to The Dark Knight, I truly felt like I was home to those stories I read as a kid. These weren't little kids' comics but more adult where decisions, no matter the outcome, just aren't easy. Sometimes, people just fucking die, man.

The Dark Knight went like this: The Joker was chaos to Batman's rigid goodness (even if he did bend the rules sometimes) and Two-Face represented chance. Nothing is as simple as this but these are the best descriptions you can get. What the Joker kept trying to do is get everyone to realize that society can create the very evil it tries to rid itself of. An old joke in comics is that when a person in costume shows up, another will appear as well. Plus, no one is absolutely perfect. No one.

2 other movies got to me, Wanted and Tropic Thunder. The latter is what I saw a couple days ago on Pay Per View. You take a group of spoiled actors, place them in the middle of an actual war without realizing it, and you create one hell of a great mess. You will not recognize Robert Downey Jr. in black-face for he is so in character. Wanted is just this big ass question about whether you are happy with your life. Hate it? Change it and find yourself in the process, especially if the 2nd best assassin looks like Angelina Jolie. Oh, how I loved it when she rose out of the recovery pool butt-naked! You know me. I love a woman's ass. Of course, there was that other scene that amused the fuck out of me, when Wesley smashed the keyboard into the face of the guy fucking his girlfriend. The keys broken off spell "Fuck You."

7). Walks with 5-Pound Phooey. Where would I be without my daily walks in the park with my little demon of mayhem? Hard to believe that this dog will stand her ground when it comes to telling everyone, be it big or small, that 5-Pound Phooey is boss. Everytime I take her to get my haircut, she has to chase the cats out of the bushes. People laugh when something so tiny goes straight up to their large dogs' faces to do some sort of doggy cussing. 5-Pound Phooey's not mean, just really, really bossy.

The funny thing is that, as of today, I am not high on 5-Pound Phooey's list. She does not like combings. This is something she needs so I am not backing down on getting rid of those tangles that make her look a bit like a dog that's spent some time starting fights in the streets over who pissed on her p-mail messages. Have comb? 5-Pound Phooey all gone.

8). Pregnancy tests. What is it with you girls and your periods!?! It's weird how stress can take them away. It's even weirder how if a bunch of girls live together all their periods will sync up. Can't you just will away crotch bleeding?

All I can say about pregnancy tests is that it's just not fun to sit on the bathroom floor while Sara pees on a stick. Sure, there are those that get sexual thrills watching women pee but not I. I know it doesn't just appear as a result of magic, unlike some guys. A bathroom's tiles just don't bring about the need for sex even if her panties are down.

There is one amusement I do confess to. I've always paid attention to how girls sit when peeing because these positions come in a variety. The cutest has to be knees together but feet wide apart while the weirdest has to be sitting straight up with knees and feet together. Kristan, my virginity taker, would always just have her legs and feet wide apart. Jen was the most hilarious because late nights meant zombie-like mornings. Her feet and knees were tightly together but her head was most often in her lap. Some of you piss so fucking loud!

Yes, it's scary when faced with wondering why a period has gone AWOL. I don't want kids and neither does Sara. We're the ones that sit in restaurants wishing all the noisy kids would just fucking disappear. You'd think that it's the bad parenting that's done it for us. No, we just don't like kids. Every once in a while, I do get curious as to what kind of child my sperm can create. It's strictly fantasy because I think more along the lines of superhuman geniuses with the strength of 10 men. The girls would all be ninjas.

Anyway, the results were that we aren't pregnant. There will be no shouting, "This is all your fault!" at my dick.

9). The drive to Chicago was quite scary. Ever driven to this city? Well, I found myself being forced to drive there on April 9th all because Sara wanted to meet one of her favorite authors, Christopher Rice. After filling up at a diner, I was so nervous about hitting that long interstate into a large city that's as confusing as being forced to choose between Jaws and Aliens with only 2.5 hours of viewing time. Do I go for the 'bigger boat' or 'grinnin' and droppin' that linen?'

I've a huge fear of driving in a big city. Sure, I've been to Chicago a few times, mostly in the downtown area where the Water Tower is. Only, this was where someone else was driving. Those long traffic jams and people driving insane through large tunnels! That was me! There were 7 lanes that led into a dark tunnel and all Sara and I had was a trusty sidekick G.P.S. to get us there. Ask Sara. I was fucking freaked out but got us there, 3 tollroads later.

Of course, the Barnes & Noble that Christopher Rice appeared at was enormous! This was my kind of place, located within a very wealthy area where Armani and Lacoste set up shop. I was in love! The bookstore itself had more books than I'm used to so I pretty much stuck with scanning through the photography section where I found an $80 book on the Perelli Calender made famous for its use of beautiful supermodels barely dressed or just naked. Told you I love ass.

Sara was extremely happy about meeting Christopher Rice, a man with a large gay following. I'm not saying that in the lightest sense because you are talking to a guy with no gaydar. Here I was faced with alarms all around me. There were so many gay guys that I just had to smile at their drooling over an author considered hot by their standards, skinny with a face that's quite peculiar. Me, I talked two guys in front of Sara and I into taking a picture of her with Christopher Rice. I've no problem with talking to gays. In fact, I had a blast discussing something that I cannot remember just now.

Whatever. The whole point is that April 9th was one very scary day but well-spent. I'm scared of Chicago but its more along the lines of respect. My family loves the movie, The Blues Brothers, because they know that place well. I'm just catching up.

10). There has got to be something not so honorable about a guy that is proud of his crotch smelling like raspberries or orange mango or amber. Yes, I changed things around when I discovered the glories in feminine bath products. I'm a total bath guy by heart thanks to the need to soak after running my body through the most serious of workouts. There isn't a problem with me going all girly by laying in a bath for hours with the latest tabloid as candles provide my only light.

If you don't remember the incident, this all started when Sara came to stay here for her birthday. When she saw what was used as bubbles, I was ordered to change things around immediately. I'm a guy so I tend to follow what I'm used to, dishwashing detergent. Seriously, I never knew why my skin itched so bad after a bath til Sara pointed things out.

The mall! We went to a few places where I smelled so many great smells. While many guys would look away in disgust, I fell in love with Bath & Bodyworks. Give me lime! Give me raspberries! Just why do I have to be obsessed with the greatest of smells, fruits? People either laugh or look at me with their jaws dropped when I admit to sniffing Strawberry Shortcake's panties. In my defense, I was young, in love with strawberries, and in need of a legal high.

Sara always laughs at how their is a new smell on my cock. One day it could be Japanese blossoms. The next? It's really more of a mystery because I have over 25 different scents in my bathroom. While Sara doesn't like the smell of amber, I have a tendency to be mess with her by having my balls seem like they were dipped in it.

11). Ah, the inevitable threesome question that came up in an Italian restaurant, the same one I was asked to think about moving to Indiana. Sara once wrote in her blog that she'd get a slight tickle over watching my cock go into another girl. In other words, she'd be the third person observer that gets to view all my movements instead of having to shout at the ceiling as I pound her pussy.

First of all, I am completely monogamous. Some might see it as an error, particularly the ones that continue to hit on me. Those Bath & Bodyworks girls seem to smile a bit more knowing my cock is gonna smell really, really good. It's just that there is a slight scientist in me that would like to do some exploring. I've been with Sara for almost 4 years so my penis has not been in another girl for a long time. Add that to the fact that I enjoy scents. Voila! I'd like to explore two pussies at the same time just to compare the feel, scents, and enjoyment of it all. Trust me. If I'm in you, I'm going to see just how good you feel in there.

Sara laughed when I had a girl in mind. Mind you, I'm quite picky and take Sara into account on all this. Most of my female friends are absolutely gorgeous (a newscenter's anchor and a Puerto Rican I talked to today will give you an idea) but aren't as crazy as me. One that would be absolutely into it is now married. That's a total no-no with me. I'd never take the chance on wrecking a marriage even if the issue seemed impossible. What I wanted was someone that could get along with Sara as well.

One person I had in mind seemed to constantly go through bad days. Like Sara, I had this weird energetic want to please her while Sara looked on. I hate seeing people worn the fuck out by society's stupidity and would just want her to lay back for major fucking. Let me do the work by slowly sliding in to help forget about a nasty boss. My inner scientist would like to have its way by pleasing both pussies back and forth by feeling how wet, the tightness, and where her most sensitive spot is. I know Sara's, deep thrusting always gets it done.

From the way I see a threesome, it's just fun. The body was made for sin. There is a deep love of pussy when it comes to me. Its that smell, the feel, and seeing my cock's skin completely covered in wetness that helps make a day much better. This has to be under consideration by both and, yes, I'd love to see Sara eat pussy. I'd be down there as well after I've pumped myself silly

But the best thing about a threesome and a major reason for who I choose is what to do afterwards. You talk! Gawd, why just get up and leave!?! You need someone you can talk about music and movies with. There is a silly side wanting to be let out all while knowing that this is not an everyday event. Sometimes a girl just needs her pussy tamed and the girlfriend realizes this. For now, this is just a fantasy that came about when Ron Jeremy was surprised with around 15 naked girls in a room. After licking 3 or 4, he had to get his dick out or he'd burst. Why do I use Ron as an example? He actually cared about pleasing each girl.

Alright, I will be leaving tomorrow for Indiana but know this is not done. I've to do a few more things that need to be added to all this. Where oh where do I go when it comes to the enjoyment of having the Playboy Channel? I've learned so much from their sex news segments, foreign and domestic fetishes. I even have to edit some things in this enormous entry so stay tuned for me when I get back. New Year's Eve always brings announcements from within large groups like ours.

So, I will be back to place more things as well as add to what I already have. Stay tuned as I have yet to get to the most exciting things of all.........sex! Playboy Channel! Sarah Palin! Porn! My obsession with peppermint ice cream!

Just Don't Gulp 'Em

"It's cold days like this that my natural enemy bares her true self. When a boy like me has a girl that enjoys placing her icy hands down my pants to grab my balls just to hear me release a major amount of screams, it's just sheer will-power that I drive to Indiana so calm."

-Me

Found myself doing something I normally don't do, talking to a kid. It's true. Here I was in Barnes & Noble looking at the latest graphic novels only to get chatted up by a short chubby kid I'd still recognize with ease. A part of me wonders if the 2 Playboy issues in my hands caught his attention or just the sight of me scanning for anything new. The smart money is on his adolescent fantasies of hopefully one day seeing a woman naked without suffering from the burning itching sensation.

I saw a little bit of me in this kid. What I was curious about is what he thought of the new Wolverine: Origins trailer that made its debut on Youtube recently. Naturally, I was quite hyper about how I loved it. Some of my favorite characters will be making an appearance, characters that I know women will want to see. X-Men's Gambit has been getting the most buzz but, for me, it's Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, ever since Blade 3, has got to be perfect for playing a comic book character. There are a few people that I wish I owned their bodies and Ryan is one of them.

Hence why I'm doing my best with the running thing lately.

It's just odd for me to actually talk to a kid. I hate them. It could be that I just see them as part of the ills in society these days. People are just dumber. Hardly anyone wants to learn. Go ahead, look at your cellphone instead of learning to add, subtract, or multiply. Care not for the feelings of others as you find yourself more in love with the amount of friends on your Myspace page.

Right now, I am reading 'The Harlequin,' an occult series book where Anita Blake is a vampire hunter out to help calm this world where zombies do happen. I can see why it's found a sect of readers, namely women and gay males. I only got into it by accident when I was looking for something that could take me away from my usual appetite in books, women with guns. In this case, Anita caries a gun but she also chops off some heads so it seems like a fetish for me.

What I found so amusing is that the character, Anita, has to live off of sex. Somewhere along the time I lost track of reading, she got herself into a mess where in order to live with all the animals within her (shape-shifting) she has to create the energy to substain all of them. In this case, it is sex. I dunno. It felt funny reading a page devoted to what it is like to be on your knees in a bathtub licking the water dripping from a guy's balls.

It must be fun to be forced to have sex with so many types of occult characters. Various shape-shifters have to take turns keeping our hero alive. Penises are presented. The girlfriends or wives of the males that must do this prefer it not be oral sex. Could you girls live with that? The fate of a large city depends on whether or not a woman has a magical orgasm with your dude. I know some girls that would be very, very upset if Anita swallowed so it just might be fact.

Of course, I have been hard at work using my mind to come up with my annual entry on the Year In Review. Good or bad? Piss me off? Who knows. I'm not quite done with these large paragraphs sitting around my head. I do know what some of the things are that got many mentions in this blog. This just might be the year I don't get as angry as I normally sound.

So, if your day has been rougher than you wished because you passed out in a very embarassing way, be glad the year is almost over. While you may need to be picked up off the potty, I had to chase my dogs down outside. Cold hard old turds make for great fudge-sicles, apparently. Happy twats all around.

Someon's Got Christma Spirit!

"I would like to thank Bath & Bodyworks for helping my dick to smell like an orange mango combination."

-Me

Well, I must say that nothing quite beats seeing our president receive the ultimate Iraqi insult, shoes thrown at him. What irritates me is how so many American people kiss his ass after 8 years of ruining America. It takes a foreigner to put things in the right perspective. Millions of shoes should have been thrown at Bush.

My mum went caroling today. That is all I will tell you even if the nursing home residents said her group did a good job.

Once again, I find myself in questions relating to Christmas gifts. What do I get Sara? I'm going the boring route because it's obvious that the economy has been hard on her. This means DVDs and a gag gift (sorta) all about someone I cannot stand. I'm in complete annoyance that she loves Tila Tequila, the Myspace whore. For one thing, she's incredibly vapid and in no way gorgeous. Angelina Jolie I can understand America's obsession with. Tila? No. She looks like something from another planet threw up on ours.

I'd rather be on a deserted island with MTV's Jesse Camp than Tila Tequila.

I've already got everything I've ever wanted. Shoes? More Air Jordan sneakers than I care to admit. Socks? A whole year's worth. According to Sara, I'm a girl inside. I take baths with smelly things from Bath & Bodyworks where my even my dog quesions my sexuality by sniffing me at a point that I smelled like black raspberries.

It's been a long weekend all due to the obscene traffic brought on by the Holidays. The mall is no longer possible after 10am. Best Buy is a place you have to fight for a parking spot. Borders? Oh, man! In all my time, I've never had to circle the lot for a spot. Let's just say that I wish fat nerds would move a little faster.

One thing I noticed at our Borders is that every one of The Dark Knight DVDs and Blu-Rays was sold. Every. Fucking. One. I've never seen a complete collection of movie sold before. All the Wall-E's, Narnias, Wanteds, and Sopranos were there. While it is nice to see such great taste in which a movie that questions what a hero is gets sold so well, it's gonna feel weird when pretty much every household will have a copy. Kind of reminds me of how I was so tired of Nintendo's Duck Hunt game because everyone had a copy. Fun but gets boring eventually.

Again, The Dark Knight is absolutely incredible to view. In fact, I would like to watch it again so I might buy Sara a copy for her DVD player since she has yet to upgrade to a Blu-Ray. 2 times in the movie theater is not enough to see Heath Ledger's Joker.

I now find it weird to continually smell raspberries.

We are due for a snowstorm this week! It's been a while where I had to dig us all out. No one is in such great shape when it comes to dealing with Mother Nature. But I, yes, I am. There is something romantic about the complete quiet outside in the dark of night as no one else has to balls to dig with a shovel. I'm sure my family finds me retarded every now and then.

What keeps me going is knowing that Sara's mom is pretty damn cool when it comes to Christmas. Unlike my mum, she goes all out with a Christmas tree, quiche, and presents. This house has not seen such things in years because it gets boring when it comes to cash. Real men eat quiche. Real men also enjoy hanging up shiny balls around a fake tree instead of hearing how it's too much work to do.

So, a day is finally over. Renewed my gym membership and ran my little tired heart out on the treadmill of doom. Loved every minute when I had the feeling the cute college girl behind me got to see my tiny little toned ass move to the groove. Gawd, I so need a fine sexual release underneath a large comfy bed at this time of year. Lugging balls this big and full of 'poison' is not the way to go. Happy twats all around.

I'm Confused

"You lead a pretty good life."

-Sara

Interesting choice of words to tell me when I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor as Sara pees for our third pregnancy test. Or should I just say that stress can really effect a woman's period rather than to wonder if I've created a bastard? What if I told you that I'm so happy that I'm too stupid to realize it?

A lot of questions. I'm always in some kind of predicament where I preach to a bunch of unknowns over the 'Net that I don't like myself or I fee like I'm telling how great I am. It's all politics as usual.

In case you were stuck in a cave or tied up to the bed due to another one of your sickest sexual fantasies, Illinois is under quite a microscope. Our governor, Rod, was taken away by the Feds this morning. It's all over the goddamn news, local and national. Us Illinoisans laugh because it's not really much of a surprise. Hundreds of probes and wiretaps, yet this dumb as shit governor talked like a cornered canary about how he deserves a job worth hundreds of thousands while Illinois is having a hard time paying its bills. It pains me to say this but I actually voted for the guy because the only other option was a Republican that looked more evil. My only mistake in the polls so far...........

Yes, I leave room for the unknown.

Getting back from Sara's is even harder on me. Drive almost an hour and a half, kill myself during the job, and get told I'm too slow while others stand around and talk. Am I the only one that feels as if managers are too dumb to go after people that are the real culprits behind slowdowns in such a field? Weird. No boo-hooing but to wonder why my ability to continuously lift major amounts of weight for hours doesn't give me a little rest. A manager, namely ours, gets to walk around and order. Very little physical labor. Yeah, a fully-rested individual can just jump into something to show how easy it is to lift 10-20 pounds. Try doing it after 2 hours, asshole. See if I show up for extra work on the Holiday's weekends.

Gawd forgives. I don't.

Got my piano-playing hands on The Dark Knight. Sara will tell you I got excited each and every time this movie's trailer was shown. I'm a Batman fanatic, baby! When you add an amazing Heath Ledger for The Joker, it's all orgasms and chuckles.

This will be my third viewing of The Dark Knight. Two times in the theater and now on my high definition TV after receiving it at midnight. You should have seen me. I was a complete mess inside, even if dressed very impressively in a Ralph Lauren topcoat. Tired and exhausted while I wanted to look good for such a splendid occasion. I just couldn't help but look at the people entering the line behind me. Nerds are single for a reason. I will leave it at that.

So, I see my Year In Review will be coming up. Hooray. Did anyone here piss me off? Did you tell me I'm an idiot for loving Obama? How many times did you say that I stopped making sense? How about your own blog? Did you talk politics but didn't vote during such a crucial year? Oh, how I love to get into things that make me turn your blog off when the cowardly lot decide that the right to vote means nothing to them. I'm always surprised to find that people still like me after 5 years because, like Sara, I can be a bit blunt.

I'm going to mosey on up and finish The Dark Knight. Hope you will, too, because it's a beautifully done movie that will not allow you to look away upon first viewing. Leave me be to hate how women's periods constantly confuse me when it comes to their inner issues. Sometimes science forces you to spend money that isn't needed. Happy twats all around.

Why So Serious?

"There's a first time for everything, right?"

-Me

Found myself with a funny feeling in me tummy this morning. More like a sense of anger over unnecessary things is what I'd say. My priorities seem to be mixed the fuck up but......welcome to my trivial brain where you'll stay for a while only because I won't allow you to go.

My car was broken into last night. This will be a first for me after hearing so many stories from other people about their experiences with this. Sara's at around a 3 incidents report so she'll get where I am coming from on this. While coming across the front door slightly open this morning, my only thought was on why my change drawer under the dash was open. Oops! All my nickels were gone! About $1.50 in nickels and pennies were gone! A lost gallon of gas!

This is where my priorities run weird. I went to the gym right after finding out that my car was broken into. Halfway in my workout, I get a call to the gym itself that I must come home to speak to the police officer. Poop. My dad's truck was broken into so there was more to all this as I got annoyed about my lack of closing off my workout's provided serenity. Would you believe I almost stayed instead, just to get that final pump provided by the treadmill?

Yeah, still on some weird high over rediscovering the treadmill. After reading me for 5 or so years, you'd know I go through stages where I love something only to toss it away soon after. I'm finding that cardio high again, something that makes my legs feel so good. Who knew a 30-minute walk could do that?

And why not? You'd understand when you see the weather's lovely snow. Only a few inches but to a dog that is barely 10 is quite a lot. Without the walks at night, I might as well enjoy the calmness provided by a machine that doesn't have me stop every 5-minutes to check p-mail messages.

That's really the issues. My car's being broken into doesn't bother me.....much. There was no damage to the window or door thanks to my accidentally leaving it unlocked (of all the times....) for a rare moment. I've never left valuables behind. No GPS. No cash. Just some change and my brain when it comes to priorities. Talk to me after my workout. Before? I'm a totally different story.

Oh, and Sara's? Good times even if she worked all weekend. Watched the movie, Blade Runner all by my lonesome and found it a good sci-fi flick ahead of its time. Would you believe that there are something like 5 different versions of that movie? The one I watched was the 'Final Cut' so I cannot tell you how that differs from the original version seen long ago.

Plus, I had to get Wanted. Angelina Jolie? Guns? Hello me! It was so nice to see her ass again as she walked away from receiving a replenishing bath. You'll see what I mean. Boobs are nice but ass is so much my forte'.

So, Have a good one as you will not be as self-absorbed as I. Crack addicts need that high. Automaker CEOs need that salary to brag about. Ah's only need a gym for my piece of mind. Happy twats all around.

Not A Pony

"My dog's snorts are similar to a cat's purrs."

-Me

So, how did it all go? In other words, did you have a happy Thanksgiving or were you one of those people that are constantly being interviewed for news programs telling us that we should feel bad when the camera pans down the local food bank's waiting lines? Gawd, I hate that. It's especially bad when my only item that could be called part of a wish-list happens to be a Ralph Lauren topcoat that costs $475.

Well, I woke up around 9am and hit the gym just to walk on the treadmill to kill time. It wasn't my usual seriousness moment where I hit my body hard. Just chill. Some people might find it weird that I enjoy some sense of serenity while walking nowhere for 20 minutes straight but not I. Hell, I have no real reason to because there are 2 strikes against me:

1). I'm white so I have no ass

2). I'm already with so little bodyfat that I melt everything right off

Today, I got kind of lost on that treadmill centered between 5 hanging TVs. It's kind of hard not to since one contained a soap, the next one had ESPN, the middle had USA Network, then CNN, and the one all the way to the right had FOX News. Football, horny housewives, a cranky doctor named House, terrorists taking over a hotel, and made up news made 20 minutes go by super fast. 150 calories burned and a bout of ADD to realize.

Some of the people I haven't seen in so long came to the gym. Remember, I'm working my little white-nothing-ass in the mornings now. Richard, my globe smuggling belly friend, stunned me by telling me he got married. Barely 3 months of dating and it guarantees a guy had the right to introduce you to his wife by slapping her on the ass and feeling her tits.

My friends are weird. Even those that are 50 look funny when pretending to doggstyle the air to tell me what they are doing on the weekends.

Of course, that means I have to continue walking even when I get home because a certain little dog threatens me with furry violence of the paw kind. 5-Pound Phooey has pee-mail to check as I walk around the small lake near the house. It's no wonder I have no ass. There is no time to grow it.

However, I do enjoy a good smacking and then a gentle rub.

I always hate walking by other people's houses during the Holidays. Seeing so many cars in driveways makes me jealous due to having a small family. Yesterday, I saw my deaf co-worker invite another co-worker over to his house since there is no family for him to visit. See? It's not all about me learning dirty words in sign language along with 'fart' and 'horny.' Sure, using those types of words makes the work go by much faster but I still have a nice sweet side to me. Just wish my family were bigger, less spread out, and that my mom didn't have that miscarriage so I'd have a sister to torment.

Ah, yes, speaking of torment, I will be going to Indiana this weekend. Thanks to the loveliness of having the Playboy Channel, I get to tell Sara all about the hour-long segment on sex practices of the world. She just loves learning about nasty fetish things that make other girls cringe. While there is delight to find an island where beautiful women can find their bodies completely painted and a bus that lets people with computers watch girls do naughty things and even use the bathroom, Amsterdam is extra naughty. Think of a giant rave where people dress in fetish gear or whatever is an obvious clothing meant to tittilate. Bare tits and penises waving all around as you dance! A dungeon for those that enjoy pain? Beware for if the infamous dominatrix on duty is on the rag, she will put a tampon in your ass while you are tied down. Ladies will want to bring their boyfriends just so they can splatter the well-known Sperm Wall with their semen. Blowjobs happen anywhere at anytime. We've got a bathroom where men can have girls hold/aim their penises while they pee in the correct place and women can bend over and have men wipe their pussies. Too much for you? You're probably an American because you are boring and dream of ponies.

So, hang on to your tampon strings, ladies. The Holidays aint done just yet as we now have to deal with nasty traffic and unwanted relatives. I'll be on a treadmill tomorrow while getting my CNN fix, then work, and possibly Indiana at night or the next morning. Sara's mom wanted me there for Thanksgiving but this family is small enough as it is. Happy twats all around.

Gerri Gurl This, Mutha!

"Bent over sucking your boyfriend off is all good and fun. Lo and behold! What is this cold wet nose doing pressed against your asshole!?! The dog just wants to know if this is a friendly event and when that grilled cheese sandwich is due to be dropped off."

-Me

Well, I found porn mishaps to be especially funny at this time of year. Hopefully, you, too, can find joy of the canine variety when trying to find a parking spot has become a major bitch and a half.

What I love about this time of year is how even the most religious nut cannot see how insane she sounds when interviewed on TV about how she is going to spend less at this time of year due to the sluggish economy. Hark, I thought we were forced to celebrate Jeezus's birthday. Is it really more about getting things? Why do we feel forced to spend $500 on people after an evening at church?

The sad part of all this is how the local food pantries are having a hard time keeping up with the lines of people in need. Breaks yo' heart to turn away those that don't quite smell as good but try to stay away from the hard liquor before insisting they are a military veteran. It always weirds me out when the black churches allow their main pastors to be interviewed in the nicest suits. You'd think that they'd forget buying one just to be able to stock a few more jars of peanut butter but no............

Okay, so I'm a little irritable about the Holidays. It seems like I can never really get to enjoy them as I did when I was a kid. No worries back then. Just get out that ginger bread house and connect with frosting instead of wondering about how you're gonna get through another day of craziness at work. You just cannot avoid the number of things that come in and need to get out before Christmas. Carpets and tires are what make me want to shout at the ceiling when I know it's gonna be a long day at work because the little Mexican co-worker has decided to brag about his latest hickeys.

FYI: I have never known how people can date/fuck/sleep with different people each weekend. I've always been in relationships rather than a new wet pussy to explore. Hickeys are fun, though. I can give as good as I get. Just watch Sara hide them from her mom.

Our minor problem of leaves being brought into the house has been solved. With 3 little dogs that constantly walk in with leaves stuck to their hair, you'd think we have trees in here. It doesn't matter where those little shits go, the barest of places it can be, because there is another leaf stuck somewhere within all that hair. Thanks to the shop vac, leaves are all gone from the back yard's wooden deck.

I've got lots to talk about but have become too busy with other things on my mind this week. The remakes of The Karate Kid and The Last Dragon have me furious that they are going to ruin classics I grew up on that need no changes. Just how the hell do you do Sho'Nuff!?! It's impossible to imitate one of the greatest black heroes of all time. Malcom X being played by Denzel Washington is easy. Mean black guy in 3 portions of afro aint. Happy twats all around.

No History Here

"What I hate about shopping is the various people that follow me with their cars as I hope to find mine in the parking lot. It's annoying. Who knows. I might still be high on acid after Obama's win so there is an excuse for me to just do what a store doesn't want, loiter. Stop following me!"

-Me

Don't you hate it when zits pop up in weird places? For me, the past two days has been all about this very painful large one underneath the skin above my lip. Keep in mind, it's mighty pink so it has a tendency to look like I took a shot there by one of those people that became annoyed after following me around the parking lot.

And the weird thing about zits is that girlfriend make it their jobs to pop them. I know for a fucking fact that Sara would be ordering me to lay down as she attempts various methods of squeezing that white gunk that shoots out. Oh, look! My skin tends to mimic a porno's 'money shots!' The places women enjoy using these methods most is the back. Man lays down while woman squeals with glee as fingernails crush into skin. That's what you get for working in a hot environment year-round.

Everyone is more scared of the unknown than anything else. I think Jaws is one of the best examples out there because that movie accidentally brought this out. For over an hour, we viewers were tortured relentlessly by this unseen shape killing swimmers. It wasn't til Brody was bitching about throwing chum over the side of the boat til we first get a good look at the shark. Steven Spielberg talked about the blind luck of this mechanical shark (3 of them in all) breaking down constantly so they had to hope that things got better for the ending. How lucky in genius was that!?!

Tonight, I got to see this flick that everyone was raving about when it comes to unknown horror, The Strangers. Totally, totally creepy tale of a couple coming back to a sorta secluded house in hopes to rest only to be assaulted by 3 strangers wearing masks. As suddenly as they appear, suddenly they disappear. How many get tense when the camera lingers on someone while the killer silently walks around in the background?

Psychological terror is effective as fuck. While I could have bought The Strangers a while back on Blu-Ray, I waited only because it felt like one of those things you see once because it's only effective then. I was kind of right. What makes it good is not knowing any fucking thing about these intruders. While I'm sure things will be ruined in the future sequel being planned, I'm going to just sit right back and avoid it like the plague. 3 people come to the house, terrorize, leave, and we hope someone survived all that. I mean, why do we have to know everything about the killer(s)? Considering how stupid Hollywood is, it's best for them to stop copying greatness (only to ruin it with the usual abused-as-a-child excuse) and come up with something different.

Good example? Saw. That worked. Then, the bad examples happened......Saw 2....Saw 3....Saw 4 and Saw 5.

Why can't anyone make a very well-thought out version of Stephen King's 'IT?' That is one of my favorite books.......EVER!

Come to think of it, one thing to scare me majorly is to bring back Sarah Palin. Some things just have to go and a woman that holds the IQ of a used car salesman is just that.

So, yes, I am still in a good mood after Obama's win. Wish I could have been in Grant Park in Chicago. It's a 2.5 hour drive that would have been a part of history, watching Oprah force herself into a porta-potty is breathtaking and not soon forgotten. I just hope the auto industry gets a good hard slap on the wrist for its stupidity. While we have been wanting cars that run on more miles per gallon, it's still a rarity. Why don't we have the oil companies bail them out? Happy twats all around.

Dirty, Dirty Vampires

"Thou shall not crave thy neighbor."

-True Blood

How about that? While there is much for him to do, I feel much safer knowing that Obama is now the president-elect. Not only does he look presidential but it's best in how one of my favorite comedians put it:

"It's like the adults are now in charge."

You can feel the brain power when Obama holds a meeting for all of us to hear. With him, it's a noun, verb, and an adjective. Bush was totally another story for he could neither read nor write.

Because I'm just not one for the sit-on-my-butt lifestyle that the average American leads, it feels bad to tell you about this weekend. I did nothing. Well, that's not completely true because, yes, I did go to the gym this morning. It's just that from 2pm to the early evening it has been nothing but pay-cable TV, Saturday and Sunday. It was bad, folks, really, really bad.

I'm addicted to HBO's True Blood show. Ever heard of the acclaimed Six Feet Under? The director of that HBO show does this one where vampires and other possible creatures of the night prowl. While the tried and true story of a girl meets vampire has been done to death, this one is a little more unique in that it's a murder mystery that hasn't thrown up the obvious. I like that because it keeps me wanting more. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when it comes to how the premise of drinking vampires' blood makes an ordinary person better than better. How many wish they could hear the trees talk?

We all know that any discussion that contains vampires means sex, right? Oh, lordy! We've got more boobies and male bare butts that a girl can handle. It's been a while since I've seen an actual TV show that starts to give my penis a tingle like this, especially when I've now seen the most perfect pair of breasts ever made. I knew message boards and Internet sites would worship this girl's most succulent pair, also known as belonging to 'that chick from Cloverfield.' I'm not even that much into breasts but these are a fine pair because not only were they revealed but also some of the sexiest pair of panties to cover her flower.

Trust me, girls. If you are going to bed a guy, panties are important. Clean, preferably clean, tiny, and cute are the best way to go. There is nothing more horrifying than to take a pair off with your teeth only to see 'skid marks' tormenting that poor cotton. Everyone gets them but try not to make them obvious. Just do a striptease away from the fella if things are iffy down there.

It feels weird to suddenly go back into the sedentary lifestyle. Sundays are the hardest because there is the new episode of True Blood at 8pm and then Showtime's Californication at 9pm. These are two shows not for the prudish. Funny to know that my girlfriend is totally into the raunchiest of language and views. The sight of that actor's penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall didn't bother her like it did others and I can talk as dirty as I wanna be in her presence. It's all assholes and the smell of pussy when it comes to us playing non-politically correct games like Ghettopoly.

Yes, I will admit that I was shocked when Sara started talking about the smell of pussy while we were playing that game late at night. I had to correct her in saying that it's not completely 'like a lobster tank' but sorta.

So, I've been gone awhile. My vacation time was spent in the gym while Sara was out helping Obama's campaign. Yeah, weird, huh? I'm supposed to be relaxing but instead I'm on a treadmill for 20-minutes watching MSNBC. Well, it's relaxing to me, especially when the night ended with us cheering on Obama's obvious win. Do you think that the whole world sighed with relief that the good guys won this time? The sad part is all the racist shit that's come up on websites and how angry some white folks can get over having a black president.

I never saw Obama as black or white. It's the truth. This is what I wish black teens would take note. Obama has his pants up. Not down. Up. There is very little slang terms used. His wife is not a 'ho' nor is she a 'skeet.' Yeah, I know a large portion of white teens can be pretty bad, especially the chicks that think their lives should be like The Hills, but I like how proud Obama makes me feel. Did you notice how there were so many different types of Americans in the audience at Grant Park? With Republicans, it was all angry clueless greedy white people. Grant Park had white, black, hispanic, young, and old.

I do feel sorry for Obama in one way. For 8 years, we've been under the rule of idiotic children bent on the love of corruption by taking away our rights. On January 20th, we get them back.

So, think what you will about what I've just said. Life is great when you have the freedom to enjoy the sight of breasts, ass, penises, and snatch that just so happens to come with a good story that keeps your butt glued to the seat. Help is on the way. Happy twats all around.