Not A Pony

"My dog's snorts are similar to a cat's purrs."

-Me

So, how did it all go? In other words, did you have a happy Thanksgiving or were you one of those people that are constantly being interviewed for news programs telling us that we should feel bad when the camera pans down the local food bank's waiting lines? Gawd, I hate that. It's especially bad when my only item that could be called part of a wish-list happens to be a Ralph Lauren topcoat that costs $475.

Well, I woke up around 9am and hit the gym just to walk on the treadmill to kill time. It wasn't my usual seriousness moment where I hit my body hard. Just chill. Some people might find it weird that I enjoy some sense of serenity while walking nowhere for 20 minutes straight but not I. Hell, I have no real reason to because there are 2 strikes against me:

1). I'm white so I have no ass

2). I'm already with so little bodyfat that I melt everything right off

Today, I got kind of lost on that treadmill centered between 5 hanging TVs. It's kind of hard not to since one contained a soap, the next one had ESPN, the middle had USA Network, then CNN, and the one all the way to the right had FOX News. Football, horny housewives, a cranky doctor named House, terrorists taking over a hotel, and made up news made 20 minutes go by super fast. 150 calories burned and a bout of ADD to realize.

Some of the people I haven't seen in so long came to the gym. Remember, I'm working my little white-nothing-ass in the mornings now. Richard, my globe smuggling belly friend, stunned me by telling me he got married. Barely 3 months of dating and it guarantees a guy had the right to introduce you to his wife by slapping her on the ass and feeling her tits.

My friends are weird. Even those that are 50 look funny when pretending to doggstyle the air to tell me what they are doing on the weekends.

Of course, that means I have to continue walking even when I get home because a certain little dog threatens me with furry violence of the paw kind. 5-Pound Phooey has pee-mail to check as I walk around the small lake near the house. It's no wonder I have no ass. There is no time to grow it.

However, I do enjoy a good smacking and then a gentle rub.

I always hate walking by other people's houses during the Holidays. Seeing so many cars in driveways makes me jealous due to having a small family. Yesterday, I saw my deaf co-worker invite another co-worker over to his house since there is no family for him to visit. See? It's not all about me learning dirty words in sign language along with 'fart' and 'horny.' Sure, using those types of words makes the work go by much faster but I still have a nice sweet side to me. Just wish my family were bigger, less spread out, and that my mom didn't have that miscarriage so I'd have a sister to torment.

Ah, yes, speaking of torment, I will be going to Indiana this weekend. Thanks to the loveliness of having the Playboy Channel, I get to tell Sara all about the hour-long segment on sex practices of the world. She just loves learning about nasty fetish things that make other girls cringe. While there is delight to find an island where beautiful women can find their bodies completely painted and a bus that lets people with computers watch girls do naughty things and even use the bathroom, Amsterdam is extra naughty. Think of a giant rave where people dress in fetish gear or whatever is an obvious clothing meant to tittilate. Bare tits and penises waving all around as you dance! A dungeon for those that enjoy pain? Beware for if the infamous dominatrix on duty is on the rag, she will put a tampon in your ass while you are tied down. Ladies will want to bring their boyfriends just so they can splatter the well-known Sperm Wall with their semen. Blowjobs happen anywhere at anytime. We've got a bathroom where men can have girls hold/aim their penises while they pee in the correct place and women can bend over and have men wipe their pussies. Too much for you? You're probably an American because you are boring and dream of ponies.

So, hang on to your tampon strings, ladies. The Holidays aint done just yet as we now have to deal with nasty traffic and unwanted relatives. I'll be on a treadmill tomorrow while getting my CNN fix, then work, and possibly Indiana at night or the next morning. Sara's mom wanted me there for Thanksgiving but this family is small enough as it is. Happy twats all around.

Gerri Gurl This, Mutha!

"Bent over sucking your boyfriend off is all good and fun. Lo and behold! What is this cold wet nose doing pressed against your asshole!?! The dog just wants to know if this is a friendly event and when that grilled cheese sandwich is due to be dropped off."

-Me

Well, I found porn mishaps to be especially funny at this time of year. Hopefully, you, too, can find joy of the canine variety when trying to find a parking spot has become a major bitch and a half.

What I love about this time of year is how even the most religious nut cannot see how insane she sounds when interviewed on TV about how she is going to spend less at this time of year due to the sluggish economy. Hark, I thought we were forced to celebrate Jeezus's birthday. Is it really more about getting things? Why do we feel forced to spend $500 on people after an evening at church?

The sad part of all this is how the local food pantries are having a hard time keeping up with the lines of people in need. Breaks yo' heart to turn away those that don't quite smell as good but try to stay away from the hard liquor before insisting they are a military veteran. It always weirds me out when the black churches allow their main pastors to be interviewed in the nicest suits. You'd think that they'd forget buying one just to be able to stock a few more jars of peanut butter but no............

Okay, so I'm a little irritable about the Holidays. It seems like I can never really get to enjoy them as I did when I was a kid. No worries back then. Just get out that ginger bread house and connect with frosting instead of wondering about how you're gonna get through another day of craziness at work. You just cannot avoid the number of things that come in and need to get out before Christmas. Carpets and tires are what make me want to shout at the ceiling when I know it's gonna be a long day at work because the little Mexican co-worker has decided to brag about his latest hickeys.

FYI: I have never known how people can date/fuck/sleep with different people each weekend. I've always been in relationships rather than a new wet pussy to explore. Hickeys are fun, though. I can give as good as I get. Just watch Sara hide them from her mom.

Our minor problem of leaves being brought into the house has been solved. With 3 little dogs that constantly walk in with leaves stuck to their hair, you'd think we have trees in here. It doesn't matter where those little shits go, the barest of places it can be, because there is another leaf stuck somewhere within all that hair. Thanks to the shop vac, leaves are all gone from the back yard's wooden deck.

I've got lots to talk about but have become too busy with other things on my mind this week. The remakes of The Karate Kid and The Last Dragon have me furious that they are going to ruin classics I grew up on that need no changes. Just how the hell do you do Sho'Nuff!?! It's impossible to imitate one of the greatest black heroes of all time. Malcom X being played by Denzel Washington is easy. Mean black guy in 3 portions of afro aint. Happy twats all around.

No History Here

"What I hate about shopping is the various people that follow me with their cars as I hope to find mine in the parking lot. It's annoying. Who knows. I might still be high on acid after Obama's win so there is an excuse for me to just do what a store doesn't want, loiter. Stop following me!"

-Me

Don't you hate it when zits pop up in weird places? For me, the past two days has been all about this very painful large one underneath the skin above my lip. Keep in mind, it's mighty pink so it has a tendency to look like I took a shot there by one of those people that became annoyed after following me around the parking lot.

And the weird thing about zits is that girlfriend make it their jobs to pop them. I know for a fucking fact that Sara would be ordering me to lay down as she attempts various methods of squeezing that white gunk that shoots out. Oh, look! My skin tends to mimic a porno's 'money shots!' The places women enjoy using these methods most is the back. Man lays down while woman squeals with glee as fingernails crush into skin. That's what you get for working in a hot environment year-round.

Everyone is more scared of the unknown than anything else. I think Jaws is one of the best examples out there because that movie accidentally brought this out. For over an hour, we viewers were tortured relentlessly by this unseen shape killing swimmers. It wasn't til Brody was bitching about throwing chum over the side of the boat til we first get a good look at the shark. Steven Spielberg talked about the blind luck of this mechanical shark (3 of them in all) breaking down constantly so they had to hope that things got better for the ending. How lucky in genius was that!?!

Tonight, I got to see this flick that everyone was raving about when it comes to unknown horror, The Strangers. Totally, totally creepy tale of a couple coming back to a sorta secluded house in hopes to rest only to be assaulted by 3 strangers wearing masks. As suddenly as they appear, suddenly they disappear. How many get tense when the camera lingers on someone while the killer silently walks around in the background?

Psychological terror is effective as fuck. While I could have bought The Strangers a while back on Blu-Ray, I waited only because it felt like one of those things you see once because it's only effective then. I was kind of right. What makes it good is not knowing any fucking thing about these intruders. While I'm sure things will be ruined in the future sequel being planned, I'm going to just sit right back and avoid it like the plague. 3 people come to the house, terrorize, leave, and we hope someone survived all that. I mean, why do we have to know everything about the killer(s)? Considering how stupid Hollywood is, it's best for them to stop copying greatness (only to ruin it with the usual abused-as-a-child excuse) and come up with something different.

Good example? Saw. That worked. Then, the bad examples happened......Saw 2....Saw 3....Saw 4 and Saw 5.

Why can't anyone make a very well-thought out version of Stephen King's 'IT?' That is one of my favorite books.......EVER!

Come to think of it, one thing to scare me majorly is to bring back Sarah Palin. Some things just have to go and a woman that holds the IQ of a used car salesman is just that.

So, yes, I am still in a good mood after Obama's win. Wish I could have been in Grant Park in Chicago. It's a 2.5 hour drive that would have been a part of history, watching Oprah force herself into a porta-potty is breathtaking and not soon forgotten. I just hope the auto industry gets a good hard slap on the wrist for its stupidity. While we have been wanting cars that run on more miles per gallon, it's still a rarity. Why don't we have the oil companies bail them out? Happy twats all around.

Dirty, Dirty Vampires

"Thou shall not crave thy neighbor."

-True Blood

How about that? While there is much for him to do, I feel much safer knowing that Obama is now the president-elect. Not only does he look presidential but it's best in how one of my favorite comedians put it:

"It's like the adults are now in charge."

You can feel the brain power when Obama holds a meeting for all of us to hear. With him, it's a noun, verb, and an adjective. Bush was totally another story for he could neither read nor write.

Because I'm just not one for the sit-on-my-butt lifestyle that the average American leads, it feels bad to tell you about this weekend. I did nothing. Well, that's not completely true because, yes, I did go to the gym this morning. It's just that from 2pm to the early evening it has been nothing but pay-cable TV, Saturday and Sunday. It was bad, folks, really, really bad.

I'm addicted to HBO's True Blood show. Ever heard of the acclaimed Six Feet Under? The director of that HBO show does this one where vampires and other possible creatures of the night prowl. While the tried and true story of a girl meets vampire has been done to death, this one is a little more unique in that it's a murder mystery that hasn't thrown up the obvious. I like that because it keeps me wanting more. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when it comes to how the premise of drinking vampires' blood makes an ordinary person better than better. How many wish they could hear the trees talk?

We all know that any discussion that contains vampires means sex, right? Oh, lordy! We've got more boobies and male bare butts that a girl can handle. It's been a while since I've seen an actual TV show that starts to give my penis a tingle like this, especially when I've now seen the most perfect pair of breasts ever made. I knew message boards and Internet sites would worship this girl's most succulent pair, also known as belonging to 'that chick from Cloverfield.' I'm not even that much into breasts but these are a fine pair because not only were they revealed but also some of the sexiest pair of panties to cover her flower.

Trust me, girls. If you are going to bed a guy, panties are important. Clean, preferably clean, tiny, and cute are the best way to go. There is nothing more horrifying than to take a pair off with your teeth only to see 'skid marks' tormenting that poor cotton. Everyone gets them but try not to make them obvious. Just do a striptease away from the fella if things are iffy down there.

It feels weird to suddenly go back into the sedentary lifestyle. Sundays are the hardest because there is the new episode of True Blood at 8pm and then Showtime's Californication at 9pm. These are two shows not for the prudish. Funny to know that my girlfriend is totally into the raunchiest of language and views. The sight of that actor's penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall didn't bother her like it did others and I can talk as dirty as I wanna be in her presence. It's all assholes and the smell of pussy when it comes to us playing non-politically correct games like Ghettopoly.

Yes, I will admit that I was shocked when Sara started talking about the smell of pussy while we were playing that game late at night. I had to correct her in saying that it's not completely 'like a lobster tank' but sorta.

So, I've been gone awhile. My vacation time was spent in the gym while Sara was out helping Obama's campaign. Yeah, weird, huh? I'm supposed to be relaxing but instead I'm on a treadmill for 20-minutes watching MSNBC. Well, it's relaxing to me, especially when the night ended with us cheering on Obama's obvious win. Do you think that the whole world sighed with relief that the good guys won this time? The sad part is all the racist shit that's come up on websites and how angry some white folks can get over having a black president.

I never saw Obama as black or white. It's the truth. This is what I wish black teens would take note. Obama has his pants up. Not down. Up. There is very little slang terms used. His wife is not a 'ho' nor is she a 'skeet.' Yeah, I know a large portion of white teens can be pretty bad, especially the chicks that think their lives should be like The Hills, but I like how proud Obama makes me feel. Did you notice how there were so many different types of Americans in the audience at Grant Park? With Republicans, it was all angry clueless greedy white people. Grant Park had white, black, hispanic, young, and old.

I do feel sorry for Obama in one way. For 8 years, we've been under the rule of idiotic children bent on the love of corruption by taking away our rights. On January 20th, we get them back.

So, think what you will about what I've just said. Life is great when you have the freedom to enjoy the sight of breasts, ass, penises, and snatch that just so happens to come with a good story that keeps your butt glued to the seat. Help is on the way. Happy twats all around.