Dirty, Dirty Vampires

"Thou shall not crave thy neighbor."

-True Blood

How about that? While there is much for him to do, I feel much safer knowing that Obama is now the president-elect. Not only does he look presidential but it's best in how one of my favorite comedians put it:

"It's like the adults are now in charge."

You can feel the brain power when Obama holds a meeting for all of us to hear. With him, it's a noun, verb, and an adjective. Bush was totally another story for he could neither read nor write.

Because I'm just not one for the sit-on-my-butt lifestyle that the average American leads, it feels bad to tell you about this weekend. I did nothing. Well, that's not completely true because, yes, I did go to the gym this morning. It's just that from 2pm to the early evening it has been nothing but pay-cable TV, Saturday and Sunday. It was bad, folks, really, really bad.

I'm addicted to HBO's True Blood show. Ever heard of the acclaimed Six Feet Under? The director of that HBO show does this one where vampires and other possible creatures of the night prowl. While the tried and true story of a girl meets vampire has been done to death, this one is a little more unique in that it's a murder mystery that hasn't thrown up the obvious. I like that because it keeps me wanting more. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when it comes to how the premise of drinking vampires' blood makes an ordinary person better than better. How many wish they could hear the trees talk?

We all know that any discussion that contains vampires means sex, right? Oh, lordy! We've got more boobies and male bare butts that a girl can handle. It's been a while since I've seen an actual TV show that starts to give my penis a tingle like this, especially when I've now seen the most perfect pair of breasts ever made. I knew message boards and Internet sites would worship this girl's most succulent pair, also known as belonging to 'that chick from Cloverfield.' I'm not even that much into breasts but these are a fine pair because not only were they revealed but also some of the sexiest pair of panties to cover her flower.

Trust me, girls. If you are going to bed a guy, panties are important. Clean, preferably clean, tiny, and cute are the best way to go. There is nothing more horrifying than to take a pair off with your teeth only to see 'skid marks' tormenting that poor cotton. Everyone gets them but try not to make them obvious. Just do a striptease away from the fella if things are iffy down there.

It feels weird to suddenly go back into the sedentary lifestyle. Sundays are the hardest because there is the new episode of True Blood at 8pm and then Showtime's Californication at 9pm. These are two shows not for the prudish. Funny to know that my girlfriend is totally into the raunchiest of language and views. The sight of that actor's penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall didn't bother her like it did others and I can talk as dirty as I wanna be in her presence. It's all assholes and the smell of pussy when it comes to us playing non-politically correct games like Ghettopoly.

Yes, I will admit that I was shocked when Sara started talking about the smell of pussy while we were playing that game late at night. I had to correct her in saying that it's not completely 'like a lobster tank' but sorta.

So, I've been gone awhile. My vacation time was spent in the gym while Sara was out helping Obama's campaign. Yeah, weird, huh? I'm supposed to be relaxing but instead I'm on a treadmill for 20-minutes watching MSNBC. Well, it's relaxing to me, especially when the night ended with us cheering on Obama's obvious win. Do you think that the whole world sighed with relief that the good guys won this time? The sad part is all the racist shit that's come up on websites and how angry some white folks can get over having a black president.

I never saw Obama as black or white. It's the truth. This is what I wish black teens would take note. Obama has his pants up. Not down. Up. There is very little slang terms used. His wife is not a 'ho' nor is she a 'skeet.' Yeah, I know a large portion of white teens can be pretty bad, especially the chicks that think their lives should be like The Hills, but I like how proud Obama makes me feel. Did you notice how there were so many different types of Americans in the audience at Grant Park? With Republicans, it was all angry clueless greedy white people. Grant Park had white, black, hispanic, young, and old.

I do feel sorry for Obama in one way. For 8 years, we've been under the rule of idiotic children bent on the love of corruption by taking away our rights. On January 20th, we get them back.

So, think what you will about what I've just said. Life is great when you have the freedom to enjoy the sight of breasts, ass, penises, and snatch that just so happens to come with a good story that keeps your butt glued to the seat. Help is on the way. Happy twats all around.