Not A Pony

"My dog's snorts are similar to a cat's purrs."

-Me

So, how did it all go? In other words, did you have a happy Thanksgiving or were you one of those people that are constantly being interviewed for news programs telling us that we should feel bad when the camera pans down the local food bank's waiting lines? Gawd, I hate that. It's especially bad when my only item that could be called part of a wish-list happens to be a Ralph Lauren topcoat that costs $475.

Well, I woke up around 9am and hit the gym just to walk on the treadmill to kill time. It wasn't my usual seriousness moment where I hit my body hard. Just chill. Some people might find it weird that I enjoy some sense of serenity while walking nowhere for 20 minutes straight but not I. Hell, I have no real reason to because there are 2 strikes against me:

1). I'm white so I have no ass

2). I'm already with so little bodyfat that I melt everything right off

Today, I got kind of lost on that treadmill centered between 5 hanging TVs. It's kind of hard not to since one contained a soap, the next one had ESPN, the middle had USA Network, then CNN, and the one all the way to the right had FOX News. Football, horny housewives, a cranky doctor named House, terrorists taking over a hotel, and made up news made 20 minutes go by super fast. 150 calories burned and a bout of ADD to realize.

Some of the people I haven't seen in so long came to the gym. Remember, I'm working my little white-nothing-ass in the mornings now. Richard, my globe smuggling belly friend, stunned me by telling me he got married. Barely 3 months of dating and it guarantees a guy had the right to introduce you to his wife by slapping her on the ass and feeling her tits.

My friends are weird. Even those that are 50 look funny when pretending to doggstyle the air to tell me what they are doing on the weekends.

Of course, that means I have to continue walking even when I get home because a certain little dog threatens me with furry violence of the paw kind. 5-Pound Phooey has pee-mail to check as I walk around the small lake near the house. It's no wonder I have no ass. There is no time to grow it.

However, I do enjoy a good smacking and then a gentle rub.

I always hate walking by other people's houses during the Holidays. Seeing so many cars in driveways makes me jealous due to having a small family. Yesterday, I saw my deaf co-worker invite another co-worker over to his house since there is no family for him to visit. See? It's not all about me learning dirty words in sign language along with 'fart' and 'horny.' Sure, using those types of words makes the work go by much faster but I still have a nice sweet side to me. Just wish my family were bigger, less spread out, and that my mom didn't have that miscarriage so I'd have a sister to torment.

Ah, yes, speaking of torment, I will be going to Indiana this weekend. Thanks to the loveliness of having the Playboy Channel, I get to tell Sara all about the hour-long segment on sex practices of the world. She just loves learning about nasty fetish things that make other girls cringe. While there is delight to find an island where beautiful women can find their bodies completely painted and a bus that lets people with computers watch girls do naughty things and even use the bathroom, Amsterdam is extra naughty. Think of a giant rave where people dress in fetish gear or whatever is an obvious clothing meant to tittilate. Bare tits and penises waving all around as you dance! A dungeon for those that enjoy pain? Beware for if the infamous dominatrix on duty is on the rag, she will put a tampon in your ass while you are tied down. Ladies will want to bring their boyfriends just so they can splatter the well-known Sperm Wall with their semen. Blowjobs happen anywhere at anytime. We've got a bathroom where men can have girls hold/aim their penises while they pee in the correct place and women can bend over and have men wipe their pussies. Too much for you? You're probably an American because you are boring and dream of ponies.

So, hang on to your tampon strings, ladies. The Holidays aint done just yet as we now have to deal with nasty traffic and unwanted relatives. I'll be on a treadmill tomorrow while getting my CNN fix, then work, and possibly Indiana at night or the next morning. Sara's mom wanted me there for Thanksgiving but this family is small enough as it is. Happy twats all around.