Skid Marks On Leaves

"Sometimes, when you've gotta go, you can't."

-Me

So, how y'all doin' tonight? I'm at my wits end trying to figure out one of life's weird travesties when it comes to myself. Now, I've accepted the fact that I am weird, lovable, and downright a bit on the arrogant side. It's when I start to wonder whether I have an actual understanding as to what society wants that I have problems.

Ever seen a movie that was panned by every known critic to man? I mean, it was considered the most awful thing ever made and reviewer after reviewer asked why this thing was even attempted. So, why in tarnation did I find myself loving movie, The Covenant, something that cannot hide from its obviously gay undertone? Even if it does have a small bit of the occult, warlocks (male witches) normally don't do it for me. Vampires and werewolves get me excited in all sorts of filthy ways that I am so not going into.

So, I've now seen The Covenant at least 4 times because it plays on the Starz Channel every day. Every frickin' day I find myself not being able to take my eyes off of a movie no one has ever admitted to liking. While there are those that would enjoy the portion that makes Top Gun look less gay, very pretty boys walking around in slow motion with no shirts on and amazingly dressed (No high school kid can pull this off), I found myself wondering if all high school girls walk around in just panties very visible thanks to a transparent nightee. I may not always have the best taste in movies but putting in very pretty girls and a dose of the occult is a good start to kick start my heart.

Oh, and, no, I do not watch TV much at all. It's just that everytime I turn on the satellite dish there the same movie is playing day after day after day. I've yet to get tired of Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Beerfest because those are total classics that bring about my sexual and beer drinking buddy sides. Plus, seeing a guy jerk off a frog after a long night of drinking is something I found myself discussing with Bald-O over the phone. You'd think we were doing phone sex or something.

So, the doctor's office? No scar. Not even a teeny tiny one and I'm upset. 45 minutes of waiting in the doctor's office just to have my doctor touch the area where my cyst used to be and declare me not worthy of her cutting me open. I felt let down even if I did enjoy the earlier moments of getting measured (5'10' and 199 pounds! No way!) where the lady found me odd in how proud I was. Truth be told, I'd rather be smaller but the toll I've put on myself through the gym makes me accept that I'm a sexy Spartan with muscles.

Don't you hate that? Going to the doc's office only to be told it's no big deal. I do, however, have to watch the spot on my back for 2 to 4 weeks. Blech! Man, I wanted some frickin' laser beams to come out of her eyeballs and zap things away so I am now a perfectly tuned up specimen. She did ask the age-old question I get from all my doctors:

"Do you work out?"

No, I just sit on my toned ass watching cartoons and singing along to the Duck Tales theme we all know and enjoy. You don't get the kind of body that a girlfriend will pause and run her hands all over before sex from doing nothing. Phew! Enough of my ego. Must talk about dog poop.

Every pet owner faces the inevitable task of having to deal with a pet's dirty ass. 5-Pound Phooey had a total clogging that took me many leaves picked up during our walk in order to get at least a portion of this large brown meatball. Gawd, I'm sure people driving by must find me odd to crouch down on my knees and wipe my dog's butt. Must do. I felt so sorry for 5-Pound Phooey not being able to shit as she kept trying and trying.

That's the weird thing about us pet owners. While I've found that they are more compassionate towards others, there is the part where people cannot believe we can talk about assholes like we'd be discussing eyelashes. Yes, I cringe when I place 5-Pound Phooey in the sink for the water to be run over her butt. It's just the immediate happiness expressed by her running around after being so mopey (and embarassed, you'll see) prior. My past girlfriends were very expressive with their assholes so let's just accept we have 'em and discuss 'em over a spot of tea with the old folks.

So, I'm outta here. I've got the movie, 300, waiting for me after I had finished watching 90% or Debbie Does Daallas Again. It was okay but mega cool when Cassidey squirted, something I've only seen over the computer. Plus, I'm leaving for Sara's this weekend because she says she misses me and I want to fuck her. Aren't we dandy? I'm thinking of using hot wax candles while being given head. I so want to be dirty, seeing as my balls make you think I'm nothing but young, dumb, and full of cum. Happy twats all around.

Where's Your Hanger?

Italian: "Se il cazzo avesse le ali, la tua fica sarebbe un aeroporto."

English: "If a dick had wings, your pussy would be an airport."

Aren't you overjoyed that I teach you a little naughty foreign language that will liven up your usual boring tea times spent with your girls? Angry at anyone? You can make it a little thing amongst yo' group by calling anyone you hate an 'airport.' Forget about 'ho.' That's, like, so 90's.

I've had a weird day where I've spent time looking at other people accomplishments. While drinking a root beer outside with 5-Pound Phooey (She starts up all the other dogs in the neighborhood by asking everyone about their day and then telling them to go fuck themselves), I noticed the gardener walking around his large garden near my house. Of course, that means I just got to go out there and talk that sort of talk I just cannot get with girls. We all know that 90% of my friends are girls, right?

While the gardener drank Coors Light and I sipped here and there on my root beer, we talked bugs and pumpkins. That enormous pumpkin is now up to 475 pounds, at least. Yeah, your jaws will drop when I put up pictures of this thing, yo. While crouching down, I'm sure Sara will make some sort of snarky remark about it being close to the size of my balls. It's always the quiet ones, eh?

I've never seen a black widow spider. That's what I told the gardener, a fellow enthusiast of not just beer and gardening but bugs and arachnids. It's one of my goals, to see this deadly spider, especially seeing as everyone else has. Why not me? If you're looking for the most deadly and more easily found (black widows are not just shy but sneaky), the brown recluse is even more dangerous. Now, those I've seen. Again, I'm always fascinated with our most dangerous of creatures.

Did you know there is a guy that rides great white sharks? Prior to tagging one, he gets on top once the shark is on the side of the boat. Pour this man a beer! He has earned a life-long free beer a day!

The other thing I took a gander at was my gym's supreme bodybuilder's pictures from the show he participated in this weekend. Impressive. Now, I may not be interested in this bodybuilding thing nor do I find it to be a sport but it is a different world. People of enormous size are up there on a small stage (this was a smaller show) to show off what working out while avoiding various things in life (like taking out the garbage and child rearing because they are the woman's job, no?) can do. One participant was 60 years old but looked around 30. How would you feel if your grandpa had bulging veins all over his body? I'm not even going to discuss the pictures of the women. All I can say is that you'd swear that they were just massive men with large hairdos.

While I might tease, I like seeing what drives others. You hate your job, right? Well, it's obviously the things we do as hobbies or fun that make our time here worthwhile. Drinking beer while gardening is one thing that I can slightly see myself curious about. I've 50% of this down perfect as long as Sara doesn't drink the 2 beers I left in her fridge.

Did you know my dog likes boys more? My mom noticed this about her. 5-Pound Phooey may come up to everyone in hopes of getting a good head scratch but its guys that get her attention more. Today, it was a small assortment of motorcycle guys that she had to meet. Most would be weary but not 5-Pound Phooey for she lives for adrenaline rushes and startin' shit with cats. Guys, no matter how hard they are, tend to bend down and pay attention to this little ball of fur and wiggly tail.

As far as Atlanta goes, if we do this again this year, I'll try and remember to bring the digital camera. It may not be mine but my dad insists on me playing around with it. What better way to highlight our old favorite to make ladies swoon, Erik Estrada? Remember him from CHIPs? Gawd, so 80's and fun. Lance Henriksen is mine because those James Cameron movies he was in meant a lot to me. Aliens and Terminator, especially. Did you know Lance couldn't read but memorized his lines by having people read them to him? There are more illiterate people than you think.

I'm cutting this short due to tomorrow's appointment to get the sac of my cyst removed. There used to be a large bump until my dad and Sara had their ways in draining it. What is it with girls needing to pop their boyfriends' zits, anyway? Whether it's done by knife or futuristic laser, I'm just dying to know if I get a scar out of this. Imagine me sitting around a table with an astronaut and a shark tagger.

"Oh, you think walking on the moon is so damn amazing? Think you're so cool, Mr. Shark tagger? Well, I've got an even worse scar than yours that shows I lived like no one else can! Not only did I once carve out a wart on my finger during a 5th Grade gym assembly and look for a friend's nipple that came off while climbing a fence but I got a scar from a cyst. Nobody's tougher than me."

Actually, that's got to be one of the most fascinating things of all, to do something no one else will ever do. If I were to ever walk on the moon, I'd sit at a restaurant's table with a huge smile on my face. The only thing that would beat that, at least for me, is to involve myself in a massive orgy with 500 women. Happy twats all around.

Fucking Confused

"No, 'mean' is when I sent her home on her bicycle after I ass-fucked her."

-Entourage

I've had a very odd day where I got stared down by a large chicken hawk sitting on top of a car while I walked 5-Pound Phooey. Have you ever seen one of these birds? Magnificently intimidating as it flew up to the tree in the front yard. The chicken hawk continued to stare my dog and I down before taking off to gobble up some small lucked-out rodent. Yes, there is beauty in something quite lethal since it goes beyond just eating the daily worms.

Besides clogs, skinny jeans on us guys have to be the absolute worst idea ever. I don't care how great you think your bulge is or even how chiseled your ass is, a man should never ever wear something that tight around his lower portion. Sure, there are exceptions in which people can actually pull this off, like rockers in tight leather (Billy Idol comes to mind since they had to use scissors to cut his pants off after concerts). The average joe? Uh-uh. No way.

So, what brings this on? Today, while walking back with 5-Pound Phooey, there was a wannabe teenager walking down the sidewalk in very tight red jeans. The legs, man, looked like an anorexic supermodel so far gone that it's hopeless to send to rehab. In all my life, I'm lucky to never have been tempted to wear skinny jeans. Baggy all the way but not excessive. First of all, the skin needs to breathe through pores. My butt does not want to be scrunched permanently all day where it's wedgie all-the-way. Oh, and balls? I'm still ah wanting to produce some majorly efficient 'swimmers.' I am fine with the eyeliner but, emo boys, stop giving young kids ideas.

Don't get me started on clogs.....ugh. I have a hard time even looking at them because just about all wearers are horrible in their clothing tastes.

I'm totally down with everyone having a fetish. Yo, it's so cool that there are different things that turn on people. Be it spanking, some form of pain, sucking toes, watching women pee, men taking a strap-on up the ass, or even licking a spiked heel, life can be fun when you're not the average type. Of course, the only one listed before that I enjoy is a good swat on the ass because I deserve all of them. My mouth......it's quite a potty mouth. Sara smacks hard, very hard when she's getting into it.

Furries? You know, those people that enjoy dressing up in animal costumes and fucking. HBO's Entourage had a great episode where one of the guys ended up wearing a pink rabbit costume while fucking a woman dressed up in a white rabbit costume. I laughed at the sight of her bent over while being taken from behind as the pink rabbit smacked her ass. I'll never understand furries but they damn well know how to let looser than I can. Yes, it is fun to smack a girl's ass while going at it doggy style. That is a fact. Dressed as Bugs Bunny or looked at as a trick-or-treater gone wrong? Not so good.

Well, it inevitable. While putting away some of my t-shirts from my last visit to see Sara, I got to thinking about sex. I'm sensitive about this S & M issue. There's this feeling where she wants me to use her like a sex toy and dominate her. Yeah, I love sex but I go a little beyond that and don't think of Sara as just a hole to stick my cock in on command.

However, I want to please Sara. C'mon, the whole point of sex is to get the other off all while enjoying the other's body. The good news out of all this, and I just might need a round of applause, is I have finally shaken off a bit of the old lovemaking past and dived into a small bit of hardcore fucking. Where did I lose this? Sometimes, I just lose myself while thrusting as hard as I can into Sara. Soreness? That's the sign of a good time.

Have you ever seen Mr. And Mrs. Smith? Remember the sex scene where the two of them are fighting only to have it end up with fucking all over the place? Well, I was turned on. I don't know what it is but Sara pointed a few things out and I enjoyed this. Lovemaking has its place but there are moments you want to cum or make the other cum so hard that logic has no place. There's gonna be bruises and love bites. I, certainly, enjoy the marks made by Sara when she runs her nails down my back. 2 days and they're all gone. Boo-fucking-hoo. The last time I left Sara was when I had a real major urge to fuck her in the old 'up-and-over.' Said it and did it. Mission accomplished but I wanna do it again.

There is something so awesomely sexy about holding onto a woman's ass as you slam your dick hard into her. Ooooh! The best it gets is when you can feel her getting even wetter and even starts dripping. Times in the past, I was told not to smack that ass. Now, I've even added hair pulling to the menu.

I'm learning. It's just difficult for me when I have this feminist issue rolling around in my head that Sara is not just a place to put my dick. She's a raging she-beast from hell that needs at least 5 men a night in order to satisfy her. *Laughs* Actually, I said that to her and she laughed. If you ever think I'm naughty, know that I'm a complete saint compared to Sara. We were talking about weird things and I just happened to tell her that I always loved seeing my girlfriends' assholes. I mean, c'mon, they are kind of fascinating to look at, seeing as they've got a taboo feeling when it comes to wanting to enjoy them. Well, Sara gets up, bends over right at my nose, and tells me to have a good look.

I smile. Sexytime!

So, I'm outta here on a weird day as I count down to my next take-off to Indiana. Somewhere around August 6 or 7th, I'll be there to watch the World Series of the local baseball team just like last year. Her dad, an ex-little leaguer, is the one I hope joins us since we talk baseball every now and then. He was a catcher just like me. Of course, Atlanta, Georgia is the other question since some famous people Sara and I like will be there at Dragon Con. 10 hours on the road and all sweaty, that's how celebrities expect their fans to be. Lou Ferrignou, Lance Henriksen, those Battlestar Galactica people, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer actors have my curiousity all out of wack. The fact that the Mythbusters crew is also there has me mildly hard. Sometimes, I'm weird and science turns me on. Happy twats all around.

Too Tired To Spit

"Do the days drive by?
Do the favors wane?"

-"Veronica" by Elvis Costello

I took a walk. Well, actually, that's not quite truthful. I took 2 long walks and 1 semi-long one to calm myself down. Lately, I realize more and more that I'm full of venom and anger that's started from Michael Vick's being implicated in dog fighting. When I read comments left by teenagers about how dog fighting is good, that just set me off to a whole new level at wanting to put these kids in a pit, force them to fight someone the size of a WWE wrestler, and laugh as the pain begins.

Allowing venom to seduce my body makes me tired. Enjoy the ride in the beginning thanks to all that energy but, come nighttime? Head's gonna hit that pillow hard. The walks did me well because 5-Pound Phooey got to explore some new areas. She'd never seen geese before and looked confused over their unusual appearances. There was a small amount of wanting to go up to these geese but nothing like it gets when 5-Pound Phooey sees other dogs being walked.

Gawd, how many miles did I walk today? A lot. I went all around the neighborhood and into the park where just walking over a bridge confused 5-Pound Phooey as well. She'd look down and watch the small amount of water from the creek flow on by. For me, it was the first time I'd ever walked on said bridge as it was never there when I first came here. In fact, they're now adding to the bike path with even smoother walkways. If I had known about all this before, I would have done my old days of jogging here. I feel so old when I realize how various areas have changed.

There have been lots of things on my mind. Just how is my cyst going to be cut out of my back? The appointment is Tuesday and I get more and more curious. Is a scalpel used? Some type of creepy laser where I'm pinned to a table using my best Bond impression:

"I suppose this is supposed to make me talk."

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

I know, I know. I have really weird ways of seeing things. Sara says it over and over to the point that I am "weird." I love it and always answer with: " Yes!! Why be normal? Normal is boring." At some point, my arm is grabbed and kissed as we walk some more. Can there be anything more romantic than a girl telling her boyfriend that he's a complete dork at times?

My only problem is my confusion over S & M. Yes, you read right. Sara is really into this kind of sex. It's a long story when it comes to this but I just have the hardest time ordering her around. Many guys love to just tell a woman what to do in bed but I've always thought of a girlfriend as more than just a hole to stick my dick in. But I must confess that I enjoy holding her arms down or the occasional roughness of fucking really hard. Oh, that's not a problem at all. There's something about a good form of soreness prior to the pain as she's pounded. This'll be a whole other entry on Blogger later on since I'm just too tired to get into it at the moment.

But I've taken into account your opinions regarding Michael Vick (I love it when Sammy gives them to me hard as Wendy does the calming portion). Your towns must be different than mine because just about every pit bull here is owned by a black male wanting to be seen as a thug. Dog gets loose and he either a). acts like he doesn't own it or b). pays fines to get the dog back over and over. I told you how I worked at the Humane Society for 2 years and this is all I saw over and over. I'm just tired of it and how my town (along with Sara's) has gotten a lot of the fuckers from public housing that were kicked out of Chicago. Our crime rate has gone way up as not a day goes by where a robbery suspect is the same old thing:

"Black male age 15-30"

Ask anyone here how things have changed. People are on edge at times. Just this morning, the loan company less than 100 yards from my gym was robbed by (see above) and a female jogger was attacked by (see above). One of my black friends told me that he feels this town is racist. Gee, I wonder why as various venues now have to have large police presence.

So, I'm just too worn out to get add more to all this arguing. Love it that people have their own opinions and, yes, I read them all. Aren't dogs great? My 5-Pound Phooey makes me a much calmer person since I find it amusing how new things she sees while on a walk make her wonder. Kind of makes me wish sex had as much mystery today as it once did. I've done it all. Happy twats all around.

Bring It On

Sammy, I love you to death. Your use of sarcasm in saying that dog fighting is more entertaining than football really got to me by making me angry. After a bit of thinking, I get how you made this attempt. However, you are forgetting how I, along with a lot of other people on Blogger, am a total animal lover. It's when I realized that I, too, made a nasty sarcastic remark about children being "shot and not heard" that I realized I'm just as guilty.

However, I've got a little something to add to all this, since I'm a total animal lover at heart. Dog fighting is not funny nor is it something we should consider a sport. It's brutal and full of people that define masculinity as owning something that has the potential to kill. And kill it does, pit bulls are ferocious when trained to win in a pit where only 1 of 2 come out. It's horrifying to hear that the owners of dogs will kill those that don't live up to the challenges faced.

Training a pit bull for dog fighting is not an easy task. You starve it to make it bloodthirsty, juice it up with steroids, and have it work out by placing it on a treadmill for long hours. There are 'rape stands' for overly aggressive dogs to impregnate the females in keeping the champion's lineage alive. This is huge money and it has only gotten worse over the years.

Now, the major problem with all this, those of you that don't see dog fighting as barbaric, is that most of the pit bull owners are uneducated dipshits. In other words, a lot of these people are black and live in shitty homes with signs that say "Beware Of Dog" on the fences. Don't believe me? Go up into our black neighborhoods and compare. Then, tell me I'm a racist prick and I'll point out a pit bull being walked that has obvious signs of dog fighting (scars from lashes or ears are torn). These uneducated fucks, when not bitching about how the town is racist, allow their dangerous dogs to roam. People with small I.Q.'s forget to lock their fences' gates. What happens next?

Gee, I'd like to tell you about the recent event where a female mail carrier was mauled while the pit bull's owner watched in amusement. Her face was extremely torn up. The owner, after an interview, told the reporter that he wanted to see how his dog would do in a fight with a person. I've also seen, over and over again, that small children have been killed or mauled in towns all over. Pit bulls, as aggressive as they are, will see them as challenges.

I remember last year the nearly tragic event where an older couple was out for a walk about 20 blocks to this house's left. A pit bull running loose came after the guy's wife. Luckily, this took place near their house because the guy had to go in and get a baseball bat to fight off the dog. The woman's face, arms, and legs were torn up pretty bad. When a pit bull bites down, it's an extreme amount of pressure that's almost as bad as an alligator's. This is super dangerous because they are trained NOT to let go no matter what. A pit generally goes for the face but will chomp down on whatever is placed before it, especially a moving arm.

A while back, I worked in a local humane society that took in animals but also placed temporary dangerous ones in pens located in the back. I saw it all. We had a giant rabid Saint Bernard that I'll never forget but it's the pits that constantly came and went. Guess who the owners were. I never saw 1 white person in my 2 years there. Not one. It was black owner after black owner coming to get their dog(s) and pay the fines placed on them. One time, I took the time just to see what an owner had to say and got some of the most uneducated bullshit I've ever heard in my life.

I don't get it. I don't fucking get it! Why do so many black males need to use pit bulls as some form of masculinity!?! These are beautiful loyal dogs that only end up as dangerous when in the hands of these idiots with no education of any type. Yeah, they all want to be like rap acts that are just as ignorant where violent dogs act out. DMX constantly had pits in his videos that were held back by chains or they'd go at it.

Slutwatcher, Tamala, and a few others in the gym all discussed this. Why is it that Michael Vick's alleged possibility in dogfighting divides us racially? There should be nothing of the sort. When I read that blacks are behind Vick all because he donates backpacks to poor black kids, this sickened me. It's ignorant that someone would find greatness in a person that just wants to up his image all while doing illegal things. Are the poor blacks really that gullible? Don Imus has a camp that helps sick kids so does that justify his racist comments? No. It just points out that the uneducated are that way for a reason. I laugh at how reporters and those involved in the justice system have to tone down their words or the race card gets played. Me, I don't live in a politically correct world so I hate how there are so many ignorant black males parading their stupidity.

We all know I admire Michael Jordan. He made me want to watch a sport that I hated all while admiring his almost balletic form of returning the ball to the basket. The one thing I really admired was that Michael never bitched about his contract, instead he played it out and didn't whine that everyone else was making more. I could go on and on about Jordan but I'd drop any sort of admiration if I ever found him to be involved in dogfighting. This placing athletes on pedestals is gross.

Now, I know Michael Vick's problems are only alleged. Yes, everyone is innocent til proven guilty but do you know the facts? They have been pursuing Vick since 2001 with good reason. It's only now that with the cooperation of other dogfighting participants that they can get him. 8 dog carcasses were found on the premises. 66 dogs were found and 55 of these were pit bulls. There were 'rape rooms' and major evidence that dogfighting pits were there and used. Last time I checked, this kind of shit was illegal. So, how come Vick says he doesn't know about any of this? Dogfighting is hard to bust because many of the people involved try to keep it underground even while the money flows. Plus, you've got to be a real good black undercover officer that knows all the codes. One guy almost blew his cover when he found himself forced to buy a dog that was about to be taken out in the back and shot for losing.

Sam, this whole easy cop-out of saying that we eat animals so why not make them fight has no merit. What makes me go back is the reasoning used by Indians. When killing for food, you use the whole animal. By that, the bones were for weapons and the meat was for food. There is also a difference between domesticated animals and those on a farm. Dogs, cat, rabbits, ferrets, and various others that you find in homes can live there. Cows and buffalo cannot. Dogs and cats, when trained by a good pet owner, will not shit or piss in your house. Well, unless a bad case of diarrhea happens, 5-Pound Phooey is amazing when it comes to this as all pet owners know. Plus, chickens just don't have any personality.

I love my little 5-Pound Phooey. There are times I get a little worried that a pit bull will run up to us and begin attacking. You'd better believe I'm gonna fight it off with all the strength I can before it's jaws chomp down on her. Fighting off a dog is tougher than a human, especially if you've ever witnessed what a pit bull can do. Then, I'm gonna sue the hell out of the owner. If that owner just stands by to watch, he's next for bone breaking. Thanks to martial arts, I know just what to break first.

So, bring it on. Tell me I'm wrong. I'm extremely sensitive to animal rights along with obesity and racial issues. You cannot tell me that a dog bite from the past makes you a hater of animals or dogs in general. A German shepard bit me but that was my fault. I provoked it by jumping onto a fence while it was just protecting its space. At some point, my butt cheek healed. It only took Sara to help me realize that a little pain there is a good thing. Happy twats all around.

I'm Dick Confident

"I am the heat in your kitchen."

-"Milk" by Garbage

Today, I realized I have something very cringeworthy to hide. Located within my line of jerseys is one with the last name of "Vick." How could I? My basic reason for purchasing it 2 years ago was because of the team colors. They match a lot of my favorite sneakers on a cool day. I've yet to decide on what to do with my Michael Vick jersey but I can tell you this. This thing has got to go.

I've been reading up on a few comments in regards to Michael Vick's being an alleged dog fight promoter. Of course, he pleaded not guilty today in court while hundreds of animal lovers collided with those that see the man as being great because he can throw a football around. Gawd, I hate these people, those that think sports are the most important thing around to entertain their fat asses on the weekends. Yes, I know Vick is only being alleged to this dog fighting thing but c'mon. It happened at his house. How many of you keep track of what goes on in your house even if you're not there? Vick's excuse is as reliable as Lindsay Lohan telling Billy Bush that the cocaine wasn't hers.

Bitch, please!

While I'm tired of those that think sports stars are to be worshipped, what made me even more furious is the large amount of comments coming from Vick's old ghetto haunts. It seems that just because he donates backpacks for poor black kids that he deserves a hero's welcome after a long night of watching dogs kill themselves. As if ignorant black people couldn't make themselves look even worse. Ya know, Don Imus had a camp for sick kids. That just erases the whole "nappy headed ho's" shit right there. Gotta love black people. If it's not the demands at the Democratic debate for more apologies over slavery, it's Ebonics and telling us that we need jewelry on our teeth.

I'm a dog lover, plain and simple. I've known about dog fighting for years, seeing as I once worked in a Humane Society. Be it, rabid raccoons or lost poodles, things have passed by my eye thousands of times in regards to the animal society. But dog fighting? Disgusting and immoral to the core. It's glorified in rap videos and one of the many reasons I've grown to hate DMX. Used to like his sound until I noticed the use of pit bulls all around him as an excuse for some form of masculinity that might have escaped him.

I dunno. My dog, as of now, is a little doofus I've nicknamed "5-Pound Phooey." We're pretty much attached at the hip when walking around my neighborhood. At 7 pounds, she's got quite a noisy bark of fury that is clearly her way of telling all that she's hot shit. 2 cats that kicked her ass would like to say otherwise but 5-Pound Phooey doesn't let them get to her.

The use of a dog as some form of upping masculinity angers me. My town is divided in 2 areas, the blacks live up north while the whites are south. Sounds like it's segregated but not really. It's just that the poorer areas are up there, the ones that seem to need a lot of police presence where the local police chief calls it "cultural" (black people problems) or he'll be deemed a racist. Everytime I drive from the north, I see pitbulls or large macho-type dogs being walked by a black guy. Always. In only a few cases (very few), I see a white guy walking one but the dog doesn't have that fighting appearance (cut ear or scars from claws). I'm constantly sickened at how pitbulls, a breed that is actually nice due to a lot of loyalty, is being used for fighting.

But look at me, I walk a little dog that I adore thanks to a hilarious personality you've got to see to believe. There is nothing that tells me I need to make up for being male. I've got a large cock and enormous balls that Sara loves to make known to me each night. No tough dog or badass car for me. My neighbors tend to stare when I walk by topless. While my workouts in the gym are for my own reasons, it is nice to know that I have a body built for sin. Yes, I sin like I mean it. Plus, little old ladies coo when they walk by me. A small dog just begs for a reason to make known that there are some boys with a form of personality to melt away evil non-church goers.

If you must know, my dog for life is a Siberian Husky. My dog, a cute little Yorkshire Terrier, is great but I've always wanted a dog that I can actually run with. Someday, I will have one but, for now, I've got one that absolutely worships me and insists on taking her naps at my side. Yes, 5-Pound Phooey snores like a bulldozer.

Forget about the most graphic explanations I've talked to about in my enjoyment of sex. You wanna know what I'm loving right now? One of the sexiest things about sex is the feeling of how big I am when going at it. I'm much bigger than Sara. When I'm on top of her, thrusting away, it drives me wild to realize that. One girl told me that I make her feel more 'feminine.' Always happy to please so do bend over as I flirt with your girly parts' wetness assessment.

There was a recent showing of Cinemax's new show, something having to do with Las Vegas. What turned me on was that I finally get to feel happy to be big. Much of the time, us weight-lifters don't get to see our bodies put to use in sexual situations. You tiny people are great and all but I wanna feel good about the time spent lifting heavy weight. Lo and behold, a fictional Ultimate Fighter gives his girlfriend a very hard fucking. If you know me, I love pounding that pussy hard so anytime Sara says hers is sore I'm smiling. I don't know about other big guys with shoulders that can engulf a girl but I go for a long, long time and love it. Any kind of soreness down there for me is good, too.

So, I'm outta here as I call it a good day. Got to see one of those large moths fly off when 5-Pound Phooey and I talked to the gardener tonight. She loves to get her head scratched and explore the garden. It's weird to see leaves larger than her. Could it be that she was once an obese fairy? May all your little pussies get sore tonight or this weekend. Happy twats all around.

Timing, It's All There Is

"There's a place I like to roam,
and nobody knows it but me.
The roads don't go there,
and the signs stay home,
and nobody knows it but me.
It's far, far away
and way, way afar.
It's over the moon and the sea
and wherever you're going
that's wherever you'll be
and nobody knows it but me."

-"Nobody Knows It But Me" by Patrick O' Leary

I know, I know. You weren't sitting there wondering what my favorite poem was. Well, there it is and I was just walking around my room thinking of it. The whole poem kind of reminds me of various things, my ex-girlfriend, Kristan, and her insane need to move all over the world and my personal amazement of wanting to see various places in the world. However, I also realize that it could be a simple standing there and looking out at the moon while someone you love or miss is away from your grip. Just out there, someone is looking at the same stars as you, wondering where you are and where you'll be.

Oh, yes, I do have a sentimental side. It pretty much comes out upon meeting me. As much as I can be a dirty, dirty-minded boy, that's just a small piece of the icing that makes up what I allow you to know about me. Lurking within, there is one of the sweetest, nicest, goofiest, boys that you'd feel safe to curl up with without a worry in your heart. He'll protect you from all your fears because he made you laugh over his story on how his long toes allows him to live with squirrels up in the trees. Plus, as a bonus, that dreaded closet monster is very much in fear over a guy that bench-presses 300-pounds.

Well, he used to do that much........still looks good, though.

I'm not sure what kind of coincidence this is. Just before I left Indiana, I picked up the local paper sitting on top of an ATM. I'm a total reader so it's not surprising that I enjoy seeing what's going on in any town I find myself in. Epilepsy. That was one of the major articles and, yes, it shocked me to read more into something I'm only now experiencing thanks to Sara. Some cannot drive? Others cannot shower alone? Sara and I have that last one down to perfection but I'm a little fearful. I've yet to see a seizure so knowing that to do is a must on the next visit.

Never ceases to amaze me. Show a girl a new type of undies, and they go nuts in wanting you to model it for her. I like to call them the "Beckhams" because this pair of Calvin Klein undies is close to being considered one of those dreaded 'tighty-whities' due to the smallness. It's just that they're black and Sara wondered how my balls fit into such little amount of fabric. Is there anything more erotic to seeing a girl play with a guy's undies just to watch how his 'equipment' fits in there? NO!

So, life? It matters to me in taking the time to read what matters most. Of course, that meant getting my hands on the latest Harry Potter book. We, meaning Sara, her roommate, and friend, all went to a campus bookstore in hopes of avoiding large masses of small children lined up. Sure, it was fun the first time (Yes, those pics in that section were from the 6th book's releasing) but no more! Ah just says no to noses that need to be wiped by Mommy as I await my chance to sit down and find out who lives and who dies.

After 200 or so pages, I couldn't believe the bird, an owl named Hedwig, died. Dammit, I had to keep my mouth shut as I sat there in Sara's living room with the 3 girls. It was the most quiet you can get out of a room with 3 women that talk and talk and talk. If I showed any sign of needing to discuss what I've read, looks of shut-the-fuck-up were so on. You know it, baby. Us fast readers tend to annoy/anger those that slowly take in each page.

By 3am, I called it a night. I'm pretty sure I was in the 300something page area. Slept soundly, of course. It's just that when you come to a conclusion to a series, it gets you to debate on whether you should slow down. This is the 7th and final book when it comes to Harry Potter. And, yes, I am proud to admit I enjoyed the adventures of Hermione, Harry, and Ron as they dealt with the forces of evil led by Lord Voldemort. How scary is it to admit that a 3rd Grader started me on these books?

We did nothing much til all of us had finished Harry Potter And the Deathly Hallows. I was done on Saturday around 9:20pm while Sara finished around 8pm Sunday. I paced as I waited to discuss the 700something page book. Please, for the love of Hell within me, let me talk about how much I miss the little bird.

Mystery Cat did her best. Remember her? That starving cat has still made me her favorite human friend. To show this, I was offered a dead baby bird it carried all the way over from across the street. Sara was reading as I looked the gift presented to me on the porch. Geez, it was this moment that I wondered if I should make a double-secret visit to this sexy ball of fur seeing as my girlfriend with a book was ignoring me all day. Not just any old baby bird to win my cold heart but a whole baby bird. Yuck. This cat does speak from the heart, though.

The only other news is that I'm dying to know what the gang thinks about the latest visit to Atlanta, Georgia as being a strong possibility. Famous people? Oh, yeah! If you ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer on TV or Battlestar Galactica on Sci-Fi, 2 actors are going to be there. Me, I'm all for Lance Henrikson, a man I know from the following movies, PumpkinHead, Terminator, Aliens, Near Dark, and Aliens Versus Predator. He may not matter much to you but I grew up with him. Damn, it would be great to get a picture of myself with Lance! Atlanta is hopefully a go on August 31st-September 3rd.

Ooooh, kiddies! My birthday is coming around soon. Sara has warned me that she can't match me in gifts as I did, diamond earrings and expensive books. All I really want from someone are things that show they know me. What do I love? What drives me nuts besides a 60-inch plasma flatscreen TV? How well do you know me? I've always thought that it's best to show you've been paying attention than in how much something costs. Birthday is September 6th. You have been warned. Will accept nude pictures of you driving tractors. Tits, ass, and a plow get my heart started like you'll never understand.

So, I be off. I'm still a wee bit tired from Indiana. 5-Pound Phooey has not been leaving me along thanks to a fear that I'll be off again. All sorts of special makeout sessions need to be held with this small dog o' wonder. Blinds closed, of course. She's right, though. I'll be back in Indiana soon, seeing as we have our annual World Series of Colt League to attend and a house party where nerds can really let loose on Halo 2 or Wii. Tomorrow, I just might let out some insights on sex. Just hope I'm feeling like a criminal and need to be redeemed. Happy twats all around.

Breaking Up the Girl

"I never said I was perfect
but I can take you away."

-"Drive You Home" by Garbage

Let's see here. I've got loads of scratches down the sides of my body and many more down my back. Yup, I'm back from Indiana with fresh signs of a seriously violent fucking gone wrong. How you like me now?

My guess is that there is something to be said about the enjoyment of a natural high after sex. The drive home was completely at ease. No anticipation or wincing over the number of miles left to go, just the adrenaline to take me home. Pop in the DVD of Garbage's music videos, play at 6.1 surround sound, and do push-ups to help ease yourself down from said high. That's the way it goes, baby.

Cherry lips (Go, baby, go!)

Oh, I could write entry after entry on the how great the high from a long rough fuck can be but that's not what this is about. Silly me. I'm showing signs of wear and tear. As uncomfortable as it is to walk around my neighborhood with major scratches all over myself, it's worth it when 5-Pound Phooey finds herself with a crush. Somehow somewhere there I was with a mouthy Yorkie that likes no one and a little boy dog walks by. After a pitiful exchange of bad words, my dog has a crush on someone that can take her attitude issues. It was weird to be able to walk with someone and her dog instead of being shoo'd away.

So, why am I home? You might think this is early. Sara and I have an odd relationship where we both like to have time away. She wanted to spend the rest of her vacation with some alone time and painting. Me? I wanted to go home all thanks to missing 5-Pound Phooey and waking up earlier than noon. It's nice to have a cat perched above your head and eating your girlfriend's hair but not everyday. I'll even wonder just how long til my balls are replenished with ammo to continue on in enjoying the many splendors of being inside a girl.

Just to give you an idea as to what I will get into, the Harry Potter book is read and discussed, Sara and I got into a long talk on transexuals, and I find myself in love with Sara's car. As for how she is, no hospital stay but Sara may be an epileptic. I hate saying that but the two of us, as fucked up as we are, it somehow works. I'm just happy that 5-Pound Phooey has a crush on a cute little black/white boy doggie and I've had a long hot bath to help come down from this natural high. Various bodily fluids are being replenished as I type this. Will be back in Indiana for a world series of some sorts and a house party with hardcore geeks. Summer may be winding down but we're going out harder than ever. C'mon, shut your mouth and push it as I take a look at the latest porn chosen for sharing by lonely American males! Happy twats all around.

Goes A Lil' Somethin' Like This

"There's two bulls standing on top of this mountain, and the younger one says, 'Let's run down the hill and fuck one of them cows.' And the older one says, 'No, son, let's walk down there and fuck them all!'"

-Colors

It's no big secret that Sara and I have communication issues. I've grown a bit concerned over the past few days since I have not heard from her about the road trip to Oak Park and anything in between that would warrant a must in knowing. Yes, it aggravates me here and there even if I'm one of those that lets people do as they wish. You would think that a girl would immediately notify her boyfriend about the fact that she had another seizure. Nope, I didn't find out about the second one until well after. This was after she had a low-key girls night in with some friends.

What can I do? For all I know, Sara is in the hospital. As soon as my haircut is over, I'm on my way to Indiana with mixed feelings, a bit of frustration and wonderment. What has happened? We're great together but do awful when apart. Sara has gotten better on controlling herself when things frustrate her. The things I do for her.......arrgh.

Now, it's not as bad as it sounds. Sara has admitted that she's hard to get back to along with only now feeling like she is in control. Those 2 jobs took a lot out of both of us. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would walk out of a relationship where she works more than 12 hours a day. I'm patient and Sara dealt with me working for 3 months straight and not being able to see her but only maybe 2 or 3 days. Do you know how hard it is to be away from someone that you sleep with for that long? I don't know how it is for girls and their toys (Oh, to be a fly on their walls........) but we guys have to stare at our dicks while pissing during tired dreams at work that their in something soothingly wet. Urinals are so boring that I tend to fall asleep.

Ja, I am worried about Sara. It's the nasty point of summer where the humidity seems to cause tempers to flare and everything comes to a close. My neighbor that lost her baby holed up at her parents' house for some time and is only now back. Sara could be in the hospital or still at her parents' house worn out from the medication now prescribed. I have no information as to what the MRI said.

As for me, I'm not completely peachy. I am now having a tough time concentrating. My time in the gym is lacking any sort of pizazz all because I keep feeling like I should be in Indiana now instead of tomorrow. You worry, you fall down, and you dust yourself off. I grunt, snort, and laugh at my dog getting her ass beaten up by a cat qualified in paw-to-paw combat.

The strange thing about me is that stress tends to bring out a really nasty seething sex need for me. It's not my usual sensual fucking but more along the lines of the gates of hell have opened up. Women are completely red with devilish tails. Of course, they are completely naked with nicely trimmed 'landing strips' for pussy decorations. And the licking of the lips begins but where am I?

I'm on a fucking school bus like that 9 minute Japanese porn put up recently. Whoever smiled upon this lucky bastard, I wish there was a dread so realistic as this. 15-20 Asian girls ride the bus with him, his penis falls out after one of the girls just decides to unzip him, and everyone goes home happy. Unlike American porn, there is something to be said about 15 Asian girls taking turns with a major amount of sucking all while looking at the cock as if it were the nicest invention ever. Those naughty Japanese guys truly do love sniffing panties. Could do without the bukkake, though. I find it degrading to spray semen on a girl's face.

I'd like to direct you to your right. I put up a link to my Photobucket account so all 100something pictures are for your viewing pleasure. Yup, that's moi as I rid myself from Diaryland as best I can (It was the old link). Trust me. When I get my own Canon 10.2mp digital camera, there will be many pics to show you how my day went, etc. Blogging helps me end my day as I sleep better at night. Go ahead and tell me I'm a baffling lil' bag o' nuts. Are my friends the only ones that see Sara's eyes as telling that she loves me?

So, I'm outta here. On my way to Indiana tomorrow if weather permits. Too much rain and possible floods keep Illinois busy cleaning up trees. I really need to curl up with Sara to ease my confused mind. Even my friends' conversations have had no effect on me. Happy twats all around.

Paws Of Fury

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog."

-A friend's t-shirt slogan

Ever had one of those surreal-like days? You know the type, weirdly out of place because you find yourself amused that you woke up wearing only 1 shoe and an oven mitt while the person on the floor snoring has on the other shoe and a small putter sticking out of his butt. Oh, how I miss college.

Well, I woke up very early thanks to thunderstorms that never seemed to quit. Normally, I sleep so well during these things but the lightning was a bit much. Slightly groggy around 7AM found me curious as to what is playing on VH1Classic's We Love the 80's. Lucky for me, I got to sing along to one of my favorite songs that completely turns me to mush, Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven On Earth.' Oh, I could go on forever about how I love this song and video. Yes, I know I can be a bit naughty in my descriptions towards sexuality but I truly loved the innocent portions where she playfully gets kissed by a guy. What is it about a girl suddenly backed into a wall that makes her hard to get? Why do I feel I'm the one backed into a wall when Sara's around, complete with being slammed hard and felt up?

Fact: Sara's first CD was Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven On Earth." Weird. I just might sing it when she least expects it. Watch her laugh when you sing Men At Work's "Who Can It Be Now?" completely out of the blue.

The second event made the rest of my evening better. My dog got her ass kicked.........again. It was by a cat, an orange house cat perched on top of a pallet. I couldn't stop laughing because it all started out innocently enough where I went up to the cat to pet it. The next thing I know, 5-Pound Phooey goes nuts wondering what I'm doing since it obviously involves another animal. Now, it's no surprise that she loves humans but hates cats, squirrels, birds, dog, rabbits, and, yes, cats. Things just haven't been the same since 5-Pound Phooey's ass was handed to her by you guessed it............a cat.

5-Pound Phooey darts up the wooden stairs and gets all huffy-puffy towards the sight of the orange cat. Many barks of fury met paws of fury. Down the stairs she went and into the bush. 5-Pound Phooey dusts herself off and makes another attempt up the stairs but, by the then, the cat has lost interest. Too easy. 5-Pound Phooey has a lot of rage issues when it comes to cats. You'd swear that at least 90% of those barks had 4-letter words or worse. Anyway, the conclusion is that cats kick little dogs' asses.

Frankly, I don't think 5-Pound Phooey can beat up a squirrel or a hamster or a gerbil or.......

I'm old and getting older by the minute. This suddenly hurt left shoulder just reminds me that I need to rethink my weight-lifting strategy. Use less weight on smaller muscle parts. Chest and triceps are big but shoulders have a very easy way of being forever damaged. Yes, I am using less weight already but I got caught up in military pressing that I found some kind of weird fun in all that. Weight-lifters and bodybuilders are, like, so weird n' stuff.

Heard about the Nebraska judge that has rape centers up in arms? He will not allow the words 'rape' or 'sexual assault' to be used by the victim. The alleged assailant has been found guilty 2 times in the past on sexual assaults. So, just how does a victim describe what went down? I mean, it takes a lot for a woman subjected to one of the worst forms of violence to stand up against her attacker. I should know since one of my exes was raped by her bible obsessed father. Sleeping with her was impossible because she did not trust males being near her while she slept. Not one. This judge should have gardening tools shoved up his ass without lube.

Want to know how crazily turned on I was over a movie? Of course, you do! There is nothing better than a male with absolutely no sense of self worth telling you that there are ways to get him hard. Mildly retarded knows no bounds..........

There is a little hidden movie called Thursday. Basically, it's about an architect finding that his old hitman past has caught up with him. All sorts of baddies come over to his house on you guessed it.........Thursday. Being a submissive male, I got pretty hot and bothered over the scene where the female assassin takes offense over his asking whether she's 'on the rag.' After a few hits with the automatic, she makes it known that this is not the sort of question you ask a woman when she's pissed off.

What's the most insanely sexy thing a female assassin can do to a submissive male tied to a chair? Why, finger her wet cunt and hold said finger underneath the nose of the man that offended her. Holy shit! I cannot deny how turned on I was and, yes, the female assassin was hot thanks to this former 80's supermodel, Paulina Porizkova. The whole movie is violent and offensive, things I like in my movies. And, no, this movie is impossible to find on DVD since it's out of print. Roger Ebert had a field day with telling how offensive it is. Joy, joy, joy!

So, I'm outta here as I still await the plans for this weekend. Seeing Transformers this weekend? Please, don't. Fun but so horribly wrong in ruining my favorite characters. So wrong! That is what offensive is not vaginal odors or slang terms girls have for the penis. Because 'purple-headed yogurt slinger' is so funny! Bumblebee being a Camaro just continues to make me sad and want to get my ass kicked by a cat. Happy twats all around.

That's Real Talk

"We are all whores in some way."

-Beerfest

Sometimes I wonder what the night's traffic is doing. Are they enjoying the romantic makeout fest that my dog seemingly needs every night? I mean, when a small Yorkshire Terrier wants to thank you for another amazing walk around the neighborhood that led to many dogs on leashes getting their panties in a bunch, 5-Pound Phooey means business so pucker up!

I'm a bit down. While I may not have it as bad as my nextdoor neighbor's losing her baby that was due in about a month, I'm still a bit out of it. Sara's not feeling well, tired and out of it, while I sit here. A lot of things are spinning. Is the Harry Potter celebration still on? If so, what are the plans? I've only got so much money to work with so I have to be picky at the moment.

Look at it this way. It takes at least $35 to drive on out to Indiana. Meals and various things have to be bought. The issue of gas money gets higher since I have to do all the driving now with Sara not allowed. I cannot just take off at $3.26/gallon. Hell, Thursday is the day I keep my haircut appointment. A white boy sure as hell wants his hair did.

I just had this weird thought. What would happen if I ended up in the hospital with something major? Would y'all come visit me? I'm sure it would freak me the hell out to wake up and find several people I met over at Diaryland staring at me right when I wake up. Sammy and her fiancee, Zu, Summer, and even you, dear reader. Trust me. No matter how horrible the event that led me to the hospital, I'll be all smiles as long as the bullets don't hurt my laughter. I do know for a fact that Sara and her parents would be there. It's always nice seeing that people whom you didn't quite grow up with decide to play with the bed's raising and lowering.

Now, I know I sound all rough and tough in entries. Yes, I can truly break your fucking arm if you fuck with me but I'm just nice as can be in real life. As long as you aren't a die-hard Republican/serial killer, I can overlook your bigotry/homophobic/racist issues since everyone has their own beliefs. My own girlfriend says I can be snobby at times so I've got problems as well.

So, my day? Got into a debate with my sistas on whether Beyonce is beautiful. Black women just don't do it for me as much I wish. Mya and Chili (from TLC) were girls I can definitely say do. Apparently, I win bonus pounts with my sistas on that because of my knowing the strong black women that represent the good things instead of selling themselves out. Plus, I have this weird habit of breaking out in some strange dance moves that are not quite as good as Usher but better than P. Diddy's.

We all know how awful P. Diddy dances..........ugh.

So, I'm outta here as I anticipate whether I leave for Indiana on Thursday or Friday. Okay, you'll hear this straight outta mah motherfuckin' mouth. I miss my little brown-eyed girl that reaches over to pull me towards her while she sleeps, starts a sudden debate on pubic hair shaving by insisting the mohawk underneath my balls has got to go, smacks my butt without warning, leave bite marks all over my chest, tells me I'm pretty when I don't feel like it, tries to find a private area in the park to give a blowjob, sits on the porch to drink my Miller Lite, always forces me to sleep on the last 1/5th of the bed, and insists on writing my name in marker on her crotch just to distract me from the computer. It's always the quiet ones that make you fall for them. Happy twats all around.

Welcome To the Wild Side

"Motorin'! What's your price for flight?"

-"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger

I'm a little confused. I don't really care about the possible upcoming road trip now. Is this how I should feel after hearing that Sara had another seizure on Wednesday? My girlfriend is broken and needs to be fixed.

Yeah, today was a little odd after finding out that Sara has had another busy week after the latest seizure. Ironically, it was while waiting for the MRI. She told me that she was just sitting there watching the news in the waiting room and was out. Woke up with needles, etc. How the fuck do you react to all that? Man, I don't even want to go on this road trip if Sara's not well. How can you enjoy something when you're worried all the time?

I'm not really in the greatest of moods. No matter what, I am going to Indiana this weekend. That's been planned from the start while the Oak Park thing was only a possibility months ago. I'm not quite sure if I'm up for all this excitement over the Harry Potter book. To put it nicely, I just want to read the damn thing and not have screaming kids all around me that I keep trying to control my need to trip them as they run by. It's a good thing Sara hates them as well.

So, do you see why I'm a bit depressed? Sara's broken and I don't know what to do. Her mother hinted to me that the coffee addiction is a bad one. Oh, I can attest to that! I've had to visit a coffee shop everyday while in Indiana. This addiction is pretty extreme as I have to receive kisses with her raging coffee breath.

My only good news, at least for me, is that Bob Guccione (Penthouse) is giving his movie, Caligula, the special edition treatment for the DVD. That makes me smile because there is nothing better than cleaning the print of a movie that shows the life of an insane ruler that makes Bush look sane. Orgies! Man marries horse! Ruler tests out each wedding by putting hand up bride's ass! Semen is squirted in chalices for the brothel's female owner to drink. Midgets are grabbed, tackled, and have their little penises sucked on by various women. Caught fucking up the ruler's life? Your dick must be cut off and ladies are ordered to urinate on you. Spy on women eating each other out! Watch women wipe their wet pussies on your clothing! Torture? Behead them or make them sit on spikes!

I dunno. Caligula is just one of those insane dark movies that I never quite got out of my head. Mind you, this was smuggled out of a foreign country by Bob when he thought the director used too many fat chicks. Seriously, the history of Caligula is as funny as it gets. Bob felt that he needed to add his Penthouse Pets in order to sex it up more. Soon, the director gets pissed off about the missing movie and then being told that his girls with big bottoms weren't enough. Tinto Brass, a man I've discussed before, has a MAJOR fixation on women's bottoms, the bigger the better and to finger.

I've still got my copy of Caligula here at home. Yes, I know it sounds weird to want another copy but the original shows a bit of age. A spruced up widescreen transfer is so needed all while I am dying to listen to the other parts of the movie's controversy. McDowell and Peter O' Toole were upset with the added pornographic parts when it was supposed to be a much cleaner film. Yes, it was extremely graphic in various shots of pussy fluids, semen, urination, and torture. Life in Rome was that bad as I can attest to telling you that one of the best places people could get together was the bathrooms. Everyone lined up to poop together and discuss politics. Since there was no piping system to get rid of the sewage, people of Rome had extremely dirty water. Wine was pretty much drunk all day. Drunk by noon is reality and farts were pretty much acceptable as a critique.

I think Caligula is one of the most insane emperors ever because I've heard his story thousands of times. There were a lot of orgies. His army fell apart because he decided to just have them fight nude at one point. Isn't it scary to have a bunch of well-armed naked guys come at you? Okay, maybe you'll be smiling more at the various penises flying to a fro. That reminds me about another thing Bob did. He wanted really well-endowed men to be used for the sex scenes. A poll said that 70% of the people going to see Caligula were women. Does that mean anything?

It's funny because I had my roommates in college watch Caligula. The looks on their faces said it all. Freaked? Grossed out? Weirded out? Aroused? Everything you can imagine. Since one of my roommates was (and still is) a virgin, I wonder just how freaked out he was.

So, I'm outta here as I try and put my mind at ease over my worries about Sara. Just what do you do? The caring part is there but I want her to get better and to slow down. Sara doesn't exactly relax as much as she should because coffee makes her so jittery at times. I'm nervous and don't which day to go, Thursday or Friday. Happy twats all around.

Ho, It Smells Like Me

"In pre-biblical times, men would swear on their own penises. The word 'testify' is decreed from a Rome legal practice of swearing on one's testicles. The word 'penis' comes from the Latin word for 'tale.'"

-Big Book Of Sex

I had a majorly masculine day where only 25% of it sounds gay. Portions of Beerfest and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Commando were watched. The other excitement comes in the form of a guy showing me his giant pumpkins in the garden.

Yessirree, I spent some time in a garden while a guy finished his beer. Macho talk about caterpillars isn't really surprising. What did get my attention was the 2 100-pound pumpkins shielded by shade. I've never seen something so large in my life while Sara might come up with the joke that they are the closest things to resembling my balls.

Do you ever question what masculinity is about? I'm sure, years ago, I would never have considered growing a large garden as such a thing. The images in my head involved shirtless males running around a soccer ball or large men in plastic armor banging on each other. When I saw some recent pictures of Beckham and Posh, I got a new ideal look. A shirtless male kissing his wife prior to her getting in a car. I'm sorry but I found the look of looking good for his wife and kissing her goodbye as something extroardinarily sexy. This would only be second to her feeling completely protected while in my presence.

But ah likes me some gardening talk. While my snooty little 5-Pound Phooey bugged the guy for head scratches, I saw a large amount of baby caterpillars. It is weird to me that I have encountered a guy that finds insects just as fascinating. This is probably the only guy that can understand my 1st Grade event that labeled me as "weird." No one would ever throw out their lunch all just to put in a giant grasshopper to take home. Just me. Oh, and possibly the gardener.

I need sex. Oh, lordy! The night is so ripe and perfect, a slight wind with no unbearable humidity. The portions I saw of Commando and Beerfest stirs the semen in these balls. What the hell is it about beer contests and a macho guy with more guns than a small army that makes me want to mount Sara and howl as I spill my seed?

When not thinking about the obscene act of doggy style, I am hoping for word on this Oak Park, Illinois visit. Who's driving? Who's cars? Where is the hotel going to be? I may spend much of my time with people that plan things at the last minute but I still haven't gotten used to it.

I'm a fan of the Harry Potter books but not in an insane way. Remember, I hate kids. Hate them! All kids should be shoo'd away with brooms and never seen again. However, there is a side of me that enjoys finding kids reading instead of melting hot lead on a damsel in distress on XBox. While you may or may not enjoy Harry Potter, you can't help but be happy that kids can be found in this long line for a book that is as hotly discussed as anything written by O.J. I still hate kids, yo.

Remember, the last book? Sara and I stayed in Barnes & Noble from the early evening til midnight. It was insane but fun. While she was found laying on the floor reading (and later arguing with me about it) about male multiple orgasms, I was off monitoring who was wearing which character. One guy had his bachelor party there. Total loser, of course. All bachelor parties are to be spent in a strip joint or hotel room where someone or something wakes up naked and a small dog is wearing Victoria's Secret panties. The whole trick is that no one can remember a thing because no one wants to admit that after 20something beers, you thought you was a sexy motherfucker while wearing a beer case on your head after certain people dipped your balls in Easter egg coloring.

So, I'm outta here as I await with bated breath this coming weekend. Yes, I will take lots of pictures and hopefully my need for sex is quenched. Let's all take the time to pause and admit that gardening is sexy when it's just us males and a ho. Happy twats all around.

Why Love Me?

"Al Gore's son was pulled over and arrested after the fuzz found marijuana in his Prius. Apparently, someone misunderstood what his dad meant by 'going green.'"

-Alex Blagg

It's very hard to believe someone that feels a heavy need to defend themselves over and over again when it comes to their policies. How many times does Bush give me this feeling that he is a small brainless child with some kind of personal mantra for leaving soldiers in a foreign country to fight a war the U.S. started and made worse? How long til he finally gets it that over 3,000 soldiers will never be heard from again? It's not about politics? Well, how then do you explain why so many of Bush's cronies got amazing money making contracts to work in Iraq so fast? Do not dare tell me that we should listen to these 'experts' because not one has ever said anything truthful or had a plan that went right.

Just another day of seeing Bush get testy over reporters questioning his Iraq policies. It's not funny how he poo-poo'd the intelligence that Al-Qaeda has gotten stronger. There was a video shown of these warped violent idiots being very good with weapons. What do you expect? Someone takes over a portion of the Middle East and it just makes them angrier. Yoda said that anger leads to the Dark Side. Well, it makes it easier for Al-Qaeda to recruit. In other words, the U.S. being in Iraq creates terrorists. So, tell me again why we should be there.

No, I'm not all grumpiness. It's just a very light day for me, nothing special and nothing worth going into a discussion about. I just find that many of my walks with 5-Pound Phooey have me waving back at people driving by because they waved first. If they'd slow down a bit, I could figure out who it is. I'm nice. Really. It's always the passionate people that can scare thanks to being a bit emotional in just about everything we do.

Sara calms me. That's what I need because I'm all over the fucking place. I just cannot sit down for a long period of time because I feel like there is something I need to do, see, or read. To me, it's nice just to lay in bed and watch that old show I got on DVD, Picket Fences. You'd be surprised how a quirky small town can reteach you to smile again after half the day was spent complaining about gas prices. Remember that to be in Sara's bed, clothes must be off.

It's weird how popular I've gotten here on Blogger. So bloody quick, too! While it is nice to know that people keep coming back over and over all while remaining quiet as to who they are, I do wonder why my "Tits Are Magic" is read over 5 times each day. Still, it does scare me about the amount of hits I'm getting. Never one for popularity because I've been there (hated it or grew out of it-take your pick) and would rather relax my mind from the chaos it brings.

Lately, I keep wondering why I have girl in love with me. You can tell it is as true as it gets because I'm always grabbed, chewed on, and smiled at. The weirdest part is that, when Sara is asleep, she'll grab me to pull me closer as an automatic reaction. Do I help her feel safe or is it the enjoyment of someone's skin at such a close proximity?

What have I done right? Out of all the girls I've dated, why did Sara fall for me? She's stated over and over again that her idea in looks is a 'heroin addict.' Well, I'm certainly skinny but not in that type of form. So, hearing Sara say that she's liking muscles more is a good thing.

So, with all that in mind, I'm outta here. With the days as great as they are, I wish I had my own digital camera to show you the caterpillars and the cocoons soon to open. I've always appreciated the designs of insects. Even the missed beauty of the arachnids make me wonder why spiders aren't as appreciated. Happy twats all around.

Life With Twat

Homer: "Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman....and I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear. Which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

-The Simpsons

Be still, my heart, for I have done a dastardly deed when it comes to being male. I watched 75% of The Devil Wears Prada and loved it. Seriously. This cannot get out to anyone I know, seeing as it is a very, very well-known woman flick of epic proportions all because Emily Blunt got a nomination for her role as an assistant with an agenda. I almost feel as if my large balls and muscles cannot make up for my need to see The Devil Wears Prada again. Even worse, I know the movie is a take-off of the book by the same name very much hinting at Vogue's Anna Wintour.

Now, tell me to finish of a six-pack and fart while discussing how I got the holes in my socks.

Well, I might as well face it. I've always had a very weird fascination with fashion anyway. Versace? Loved how bold his colors were in the 90's. Chanel? Only that time period when Christy Turlington walked the runway. Valentino? The man can make any woman look good in a dress. Besides being on Nipplewatch (they seemed to pop out of models' button downs all the time) when it comes to fashion shows, I fell in love with a look that blends a woman's playfulness and need to be daring. Can you pull of a mix of goth and couture? You'll have my heart.

Today, I read a small bit of a book on the history of sex. Might I say, I was a small bit offended for once. That's not easy since I've pretty much heard and seen it all. From websites listing everything found in a patient's rectum to women squirting like geysers, it truly is a fascinating world when it comes to sex.

The author did a whole 2 pages on the smell of pussy. Sad. Most was in a form of discussing it as something vile and full of odor. You'd think that a young male virgin would go from curious to disgusted at the thought of licking his girlfriend into exctasy. I, myself, had heard so many tales about the smell that it only made me grow more and more curious as to why men discuss it so much. If it's not 'Pull my finger,' it'll be "Hey, smell my finger. It was in Jenny!" Later, in college, I found various roommates tossing around old girlfriends' panties for various friends to smell. Geez, you'd think that one of the most private scents has now become everyone's need-to-know all just for guys to show they've gotten laid.

Whatever. While the author had some funny little articles on various sexual events, actions, history, and a complete collection of foreign words for our slang when it comes to 'dick,' pussy,' cunt,' etc., I take a large amount of offense when a guy tells the world that the vagina is just another way of saying it's nature's armpit. I'm a total pussy eater and proud of it.

So, life when it comes to my love of the vagina? What better way of bringing it all back to where we came from? Various countries have celebrations for our cocks but you never hear much when it comes to the loveliness of cunts. Ladies, it's all about closing your legs or the bats will get out. What's that smell, again? Geez, you'd think that men truly ruled this world. Nope, just the bible telling us that women are nothing but scheming harlots out to ruin men. Keep your legs closed. It's causing a comotion.

A man's fascination with the vagina starts at a timeline. First, there is curiousity. Next, there is discovery. The last? I'd say that's more along the lines of acceptance. It all goes a little like this. We males are so devilishly curious about pussy for there are embarassing moments in our lives where we are caught looking at Playboy or Penthouse only to graduate all the way up to smut like Hustler. You start with wondering about the pubes and then insist on knowing what those pink things hanging down there are. Did some strange animal crawl up her crotch only to forget his flippers? As a kid, you're told through movies and various books that the narrator just has to describe the vagina as smelling so strange, almost 'fishy.' Those that enjoy eating fish get even more curious and insist on finding a girlfriend right away, one that will put out immediately.

Discovery was my personal enjoyment because I slept with a rockin' 29-year-old woman that totally understood my needs all while being 19, young dumb and full of cum. I must have had my fingers inside her at any opportunity. The vagina. It was magical. It was mystical! Goddamn, I just fucked a woman! It must have been silly fun for her to bend over or lay there as I marveled at how soaked my lil' digits were.

And acceptance happens at some point. We males grow up. That magic is gone as we've now accepted the fact that the vagina has no magical powers. It can't suck us in and suddenly have us appear in the middle of the Super Bowl to get Urlacher's autograph. For those 7 minutes of pleasure, all we get is a wet dick and the need to eat something out of the fridge. For me personally, I get 43 minutes of scratches down my back, bites all over my chest, a sticky dick, large red handprints on my bare bottom, and 1 orgasm that last several seconds which is nothing compared to her 4. The best part is seeing her lay on the bed exhausted and drooling.

It's mysterious. The vagina truly is something that I'd say is close to being perfectly made. I'm sure many women willl disagree thanks to being so susceptible to yeast infections, UTI's, periods, and being more susceptible to STD's. But if you take just the look, it's those lips that glisten when aroused. Doggy style, as beastly as it is, fortifies this as those lips I mentioned get torn apart as the cock is introduced. Sex is beautiful when it's pretty people doing it. There is nothing that hurts more than seeing a man lay his mass of a stomach on her after she's bent over to receive him. Okay, maybe the sight of him laying out some cheese and nachos on her back prior to the act.

There's power. Vaginas have the power to mesmerize men, easily seen in porn. However, you can now look at how people are so caught up in trying to stick everything in there that we've lost interest in the actual act of fucking. Baseball bats? Kitchen utensils? Geez, what happened to that loveliness of seeing her pussy torn apart by Ron's giant 11-incher? Okay, Ron Jeremy isn't the best example but I can tell you that, with all the women I've slept with, I've always loved the motion carried out where she bends over. The pussy is throbbing and needing to be tamed. My cock, now being held, is aching to explore it. Pink turns to a light red as the sliding back and forth eases our horrible day at work.

But to truly conquer a vagina? While most guys just want to squirt, so many women I've been with want the act. You've got her. Now ravish her. Make her feel like a whore and blah, blah, blah. For me, I just think of myself as a lion on top her her, biting and holding on as I pump away. There is that feeling of how much bigger you are than she. Thrust hard. Thrust real hard and you'll end up with a girl that will give you many kisses all over. The best part is watching her kiss the cock's head for blessing her with weird convulsions and mucho stickiness. Hopefully, she has peed before all this happens. Then again, some of you are into that type of thing.

I'm sure you have your opinion. Lately, I've noticed a small cult following towards this blog, all women. You're given a twat but told it is ugly. There is no hope that the vagina has actual beauty unless it is by someone willing to rebel by comparing it to a flower. It's brought down empires and even helped win wars. The bulge is better because what is mysterious is too dangerous. Cleopatra was well-known for giving blowjobs to soldiers. Think about how nice it would be if our shit-for-brains president did that for the boys in Iraq. It would be my only time I'd cheer for bukkaki. Happy twats all around.

Missed By A Mile

"Swearing is big and clever."

-t-shirt slogan

Transformers. What the fuck can I say about this movie? I'm only 1 hour in of the 2 hours supposedly guaranteed to knock my fucking socks off yet I'm still not sure. Socks are still on.

How would you feel if someone took your favorite characters and made major changes to them. The look? All gone! The attitude that made him/her so interesting? Off like a wedding dress! While I must admit that the movie itself, Transformers, is kind of entertaining. They got the transforming part right but they made it too much of a little boy-like movie. Yeah, I know that you're going to tell me that that's the whole purpose since many of us were wee lads in the 80's. It's just that the female scientists are supermodel beautiful, the geeky boy will always win over the gorgeous princess no matter how dumb she is, our leaders are confused over the smallest things, and everyone looks good no matter how dirty they get. Sara does say that she loves it when I get sweaty. Maybe it's my pores that can ooze sex appeal while my eyes disarm even a scorpion's desire to sting.

Since I'm only an hour in, I cannot base a review on Transformers just yet. Tis a pity to find that there are people so damn in need to ruin old things we once grew up on. G.I.Joe and the Smurfs are next. They so will not ruin my favorite blue people or I'm just gonna have to hold a picket sign with some really, really mean words like the "C" one and a couple "B's" that will kill the jolly feeling those Smurfs once brought me.

Richard's back in town. Or mainly, I should say that I came back from Indiana to finally be able to see my favorite incubating male friend. No Sting autograph because he didn't get to meet the dude. However, you should have seen Richard's eyes light up over someone else. His words:

"I met Beyonce!"

I hate her and her music so I just wasn't impressed with this. Amused I was with how this guy talked on and on about how beautiful Beyonce is. A lot of makeup, yo. Some guys just love a woman caked in makeup. For me, it's eyeshadow but that's for another tale. Fat white guy finds that there is a black woman out there that can bring him to the yard thanks to her milkshake. Yes, Jay-Z was there as well. Ugly man needs to be seen as pretty thanks to this piece of trophy.

As for me, it's all about my keeping tabs on caterpillars. Since 5-Pound Phooey and I always pass by the nets used in the garden, this is an easy task. They're kept in a section with nets so that the rest of the garden can be safe from caterpillars' munching. You can't help but notice these things eat a lot because there is a lot of caterpillar poop collected in the net.

July 17th is when you'll find me jumping up on down thanks to Garbage finally releasing all their music videos on DVD. "Only Happy When It Rains" is very special to me. It makes me feel that there is hope, once again, that there are women that will realize what stage presence is. Shirley Manson of Garbage had that and more. She could take a chainsaw up my crotch and I'd just cry because it's Shirley fucking Manson.

I'm tempted to do my Vagina Entry here on Blogger. Gawd, I kind of miss the feeling of lust while writing about something that should be done every year. On my old blog, I would tell all that I saw as being so great about the vagina/beaver/cunt/cooze/pussy/pink taco or whatever your boyfriends call it while fucking you. I just like telling Sara to cum all over my cock when I'm in her since I get all hot thinking about that feeling of making her wetter. Why is this world so afraid to say that pussy needs to be celebrated?

So, I'm outta here as I feel weirdly behind. Another one of my friends from the gym got engaged. Joe. Remember him? Some of you voiced a little hatred for the way he saw things in dating even though he was faithful. Just over a year of dating the Italian girl and a trip down the aisle will take place. Do you wanna know how many times I'm asked if I've got the ring? A lot. A fucking lot! The way I see it is that I'm still outside doing naked cartwheels in the sprinkler because I'm not ready to come inside to put my pants on. Happy twats all around.

Tits Are Magic Is Popular

"What is scary is not what goes bump at midnight, but what whispers at midday."

-Unknown

Many of you know me. You've followed me from my old blog and ended up showing your romantic devotion to someone that enjoys bringing the weird stuff. Hopefully, you've not forgotten that my ultimate dream is to be a werewolf/ninja out to rid this world of murderers (eat bad guys and no court slowdowns) and rapists. Of course, that brings along my love of horror films and we have a doozy on the horizon.

Halloween. How many can say they were as traumatized as I was upon seeing this movie? I was in high school when I decided to see what the hoopla was all about. Dude, I couldn't fucking move. The eerie music, the look of Michael Myers, the dark feel, and that feeling that a guy so deranged will cut the tits off of any babysitter (It was supposed to be called "The Babysitter Murders") he comes across fornicating in a wicked way. Dog Soldiers is the only other movie to make me feel like I am 10 and happy to be potty-trained. Halloween fucking rocked!

Now, Rob Zombie has made his own version of Halloween and it looks like the old one with steroids! I'm hyped as August 31st seems too far away as Michael is 6'9' and not something to fuck with once again. Do you know Rob? Oh, dear. You should see his demented flicks, The Devil's Rejects and House Of 1,000 Corpses, to get an idea as to how great he is. You might want to walk out but his whole idea of horror was dead-on. Make the audience feel like it's a realistic meeting with a family of demented serial-killers. People couldn't handle a lot of scenes and even I got a little offended due to having a hard time with rape scenes. The Devil's Rejects is the hardest to watch and, yes, clowns are scary.

Yes, there is more to life than horror flicks. In fact, I have a small sort of joy from seeing a lot of caterpillars today. I know, I know. I truly do bring the weird. I go from horror to caterpillars in a heartbeat like a small child with ADD. Well, long ago, I used to have a fascination with bugs. That goes along with an appreciation for the beauty of butterflies like the swallowtail, monarch, and viceroy.

Near my house, there is a large garden set up by a retired teacher. Each day, I take my dog, 5-Pound Phooey, out for a run right by it. I've noticed nets placed in certain sections but only today did I pay attention. Big-ass caterpillars were moving around and I just had to look. I'm pretty sure these are going to turn into monarchs, an orange/black striped butterfly.

While walking home from the run, I saw another net. Me being me, I stopped but came across the house's owner. I guess he, too, has a fascination with the beautiful designs of insects because I also got to see a cocoon. These caterpillars are not going to be butterflies but large seurcoupia (sp?) moths. Trust me. These moths are unbelievably gorgeous, seeing as I've seen only 2 up close in real life. Scientists are more fun than you think, seeing as 5-Pound Phooey wanted attention from the guy.

5-Pound Phooey's hard day: 1). Pissed off a cat 2). Chased a poodle 3). Told Tater to go fuck himself In other words, it was a great day for her.

I've got a question for business owners. Should you always greet your customers as a form of common courtesy? Slutwatcher is thinking about quitting my gym all because the gym's owner, Kevin, did not acknowledge him in the locker room. No "Hi, how ya doin'?" or just a simple "Hi." Slutwatcher feels invisible and not cared for as much as he should. For me personally, I can see the issue but Kevin is nice to me all because I've talked to him here and there for years. My sole reason for possibly leaving my gym is due to the lack of air conditioning. Do you want to see my puddles? I leave bigger wet spots than Jenna Jameson.

News: Garbage is about to come out with their new CD. For me, I've been waiting and waiting for the DVD of all their music videos uncensored. Wish is about to be granted. 5 speakers playing "Only Happy When It Rains" super loud is gonna be reality. Dance, dance, dance!

Oh, just to show you I haven't gone completely soft, I'm in love with a magazine from England. It's called "S" and shows the kind of sexuality I've tried to tell you I'm in love with, a place where a naked woman has no fear of being raped and teaching abstinence is seen as insane as it really is (Plus, evolution is accepted in that we really are monkeys). Sure, innocense is nice as well but reality sets in. We're sexual. People that take care of their bodies, practice safe sex, and enjoy whatever they're into instead of feeling shame is what I love about S. When will we ever allow women to walk around topless on hot days? My entry called "Tits Are Magic" has been getting a lot of hits lately so something must be going right. Jessica Alba just recently told reporters that she wants more magazines with naked men because too many of them have just women. If women need to see dicks, let them see 'em. Let's all have good sex, tits, ass, pussy, and dicks that go home soothed.

So, I'm outta here with plenty to say on sex soon. Plans are underway as to how we are all going to get to Oak Park for the Harry Potter celebration. I'm a geek inside, look like a jock, willing to order a martini, see beauty in insects, and hate conformity. Ya gotta love me. Happy twats all around.

Fat Chicks Wiggle Not Giggle

"Remember, I said time is luck."

-Miami Vice

I'm not sure why but I just haven't been feeling social lately. Here and there, I get an email or comment that I would like to respond to but feel too out of it. It happens when I come back from Indiana because I'm around so many people while there. I've this need to be alone for a short while and then......Presto! All better.

A part of it is knowing my mom is now going through radiation for most of the summer. The surgery was fine but I think she's getting really tired from all this. We'll see. Trust me. There will be more on this when the time comes.

Is life just a constant runaround? Each summer, I get a strange feeling that a girl in my gym likes me. Nothing majorly obvious but looks here and there. You know how it goes. There's this feeling someone is watching you, you turn around, and that someone's head moves in the opposite direction from where it once was. I do remember Cassandra was last year's and I felt completely out of it to see a girl cry when I mention I'm not single. Want to know dumb? All those signals sent my way and I didn't realize she liked me! How dumb was I? 100% positive that when a girl lightly runs her hand on mine, there is something. Too bad, I didn't realize that til now.

What would a girl say if they saw me drinking a martini? Yeah, big arms that can lift a small glass containing expensive vodka makes me sexy. Since it was Sara's birthday on the 2nd, we went out to a nice bar (if you can stand hippies, fat hippies dancing). It was her idea that I not drink the usual beer so that was my first time ordering a 'Creamcicle.' Nasty. Took me forever to wash that down while the hippies drank what I wanted but didn't smell as good as I. Dancing is not just waving your arms around. Well, at least not to me unless your on LSD.

Do you want to know something that slightly irritated me besides the smelly hippies (You'll KNOW when they walk by)? Women are extremely critical of each other and Sara got mucho criticism on her choice of footwear by 2 lardass women. Why these containers of cholesterol felt the need to tell each other that my girlfriend was wearing something 'hookerish' I'll never understand. For one thing, Sara's dress was down to her knees. The boots were nice shiny black and almost up to her knees. Now, Sara may order me to 'fuck her like a whore' but in no way was her outfit leaning towards such a character. Fat people have no right to be critics til they make themselves look better or they're just easy targets.

Then again, I was a girly-man sipping a martini all while keeping to himself. Nobody fucks with me so I'm glad I didn't give the waitress the giggles upon my ordering such a disgusting drink.

So, that's all for now. Today was just shit due to a large amount of eye boogers from the allergies annoying my right eye. Just the right one. It's nearly impossible for me to keep my contact in during the day now. The drier that day, the worse it gets and my eye makes it look like I'm baked out of my mind. I really, really miss being a kid because I didn't stink of sweat like I do now nor did I ever have to wink so much. Then again, girls were scary back then and forced some kisses out of me. Happy twats all around.