Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Paws Of Fury

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the fight in the dog."

-A friend's t-shirt slogan

Ever had one of those surreal-like days? You know the type, weirdly out of place because you find yourself amused that you woke up wearing only 1 shoe and an oven mitt while the person on the floor snoring has on the other shoe and a small putter sticking out of his butt. Oh, how I miss college.

Well, I woke up very early thanks to thunderstorms that never seemed to quit. Normally, I sleep so well during these things but the lightning was a bit much. Slightly groggy around 7AM found me curious as to what is playing on VH1Classic's We Love the 80's. Lucky for me, I got to sing along to one of my favorite songs that completely turns me to mush, Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven On Earth.' Oh, I could go on forever about how I love this song and video. Yes, I know I can be a bit naughty in my descriptions towards sexuality but I truly loved the innocent portions where she playfully gets kissed by a guy. What is it about a girl suddenly backed into a wall that makes her hard to get? Why do I feel I'm the one backed into a wall when Sara's around, complete with being slammed hard and felt up?

Fact: Sara's first CD was Belinda Carlisle's "Heaven On Earth." Weird. I just might sing it when she least expects it. Watch her laugh when you sing Men At Work's "Who Can It Be Now?" completely out of the blue.

The second event made the rest of my evening better. My dog got her ass kicked.........again. It was by a cat, an orange house cat perched on top of a pallet. I couldn't stop laughing because it all started out innocently enough where I went up to the cat to pet it. The next thing I know, 5-Pound Phooey goes nuts wondering what I'm doing since it obviously involves another animal. Now, it's no surprise that she loves humans but hates cats, squirrels, birds, dog, rabbits, and, yes, cats. Things just haven't been the same since 5-Pound Phooey's ass was handed to her by you guessed it............a cat.

5-Pound Phooey darts up the wooden stairs and gets all huffy-puffy towards the sight of the orange cat. Many barks of fury met paws of fury. Down the stairs she went and into the bush. 5-Pound Phooey dusts herself off and makes another attempt up the stairs but, by the then, the cat has lost interest. Too easy. 5-Pound Phooey has a lot of rage issues when it comes to cats. You'd swear that at least 90% of those barks had 4-letter words or worse. Anyway, the conclusion is that cats kick little dogs' asses.

Frankly, I don't think 5-Pound Phooey can beat up a squirrel or a hamster or a gerbil or.......

I'm old and getting older by the minute. This suddenly hurt left shoulder just reminds me that I need to rethink my weight-lifting strategy. Use less weight on smaller muscle parts. Chest and triceps are big but shoulders have a very easy way of being forever damaged. Yes, I am using less weight already but I got caught up in military pressing that I found some kind of weird fun in all that. Weight-lifters and bodybuilders are, like, so weird n' stuff.

Heard about the Nebraska judge that has rape centers up in arms? He will not allow the words 'rape' or 'sexual assault' to be used by the victim. The alleged assailant has been found guilty 2 times in the past on sexual assaults. So, just how does a victim describe what went down? I mean, it takes a lot for a woman subjected to one of the worst forms of violence to stand up against her attacker. I should know since one of my exes was raped by her bible obsessed father. Sleeping with her was impossible because she did not trust males being near her while she slept. Not one. This judge should have gardening tools shoved up his ass without lube.

Want to know how crazily turned on I was over a movie? Of course, you do! There is nothing better than a male with absolutely no sense of self worth telling you that there are ways to get him hard. Mildly retarded knows no bounds..........

There is a little hidden movie called Thursday. Basically, it's about an architect finding that his old hitman past has caught up with him. All sorts of baddies come over to his house on you guessed it.........Thursday. Being a submissive male, I got pretty hot and bothered over the scene where the female assassin takes offense over his asking whether she's 'on the rag.' After a few hits with the automatic, she makes it known that this is not the sort of question you ask a woman when she's pissed off.

What's the most insanely sexy thing a female assassin can do to a submissive male tied to a chair? Why, finger her wet cunt and hold said finger underneath the nose of the man that offended her. Holy shit! I cannot deny how turned on I was and, yes, the female assassin was hot thanks to this former 80's supermodel, Paulina Porizkova. The whole movie is violent and offensive, things I like in my movies. And, no, this movie is impossible to find on DVD since it's out of print. Roger Ebert had a field day with telling how offensive it is. Joy, joy, joy!

So, I'm outta here as I still await the plans for this weekend. Seeing Transformers this weekend? Please, don't. Fun but so horribly wrong in ruining my favorite characters. So wrong! That is what offensive is not vaginal odors or slang terms girls have for the penis. Because 'purple-headed yogurt slinger' is so funny! Bumblebee being a Camaro just continues to make me sad and want to get my ass kicked by a cat. Happy twats all around.




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