Benjamin?

"I'm motivated by the fact that I wish to spend my evenings face-down on the bar."

-Me

While taking into account this movie that I have been obsessed with but have yet to see, The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button, my girlfriend said something that reminded me of it. While the character played by Brad Pitt ages backwards, I don't seem to fucking age at all! Beat that, Dick Clark! I'm far sexier with bigger balls o' magnitude!

Okay, let's be serious now. I was laying around on Sara's bed (clothed, you pervs) and played around with the contents of my wallet. Lots of old pictures fell out, namely my high school I.D.s. Interesting. I'm pretty sure the last 3 years of high school were in there only to soon find my old college I.D.s as well. Then, came my old drivers licenses. Of course, they were cut in half but the pictures stayed. With all these pictures surrounding me, I showed them to Sara.

"My boyfriend is a vampire."

That's what she said. I don't seem to age at all. While I was only slightly skinnier in an old gym I.D. and various hairstyle changes over the years, everything else was the same. There is nothing to warrant the impact of age. Would I be perfect for the lifestyle I do have a tendency to remember?

"Sleep all day. Party all night. Never grow old. Never die. It's fun to be a vampire."

If you didn't grow up in the 80's, this movie quote will baffle you a bit. People I come across from high school or private school look like shit. Fat bloated people that gave up on life just don't interest me. Why do people think that the best thrill is coming home from work and flipping channels?

Then again, I could be labeled as a retard for enjoying the high caused by a 25-minute treadmill run that leaves me wondering my own sanity. I must be the only one that gets excited about reaching the machine's readout that tells me I burned 100 calories in less than 10-minutes.

"Go retard, go!

I'm a little better. Depression seems to have hit me hard due to my evenings spent walking to the car with the collar of my topcoat pulled up. It's fucking cold these days here in Illinois. A few days here and there is no big issue but a whole week where going outside is avoided as much as possible? I'm not interested in pissing icicles on a tree.

If I don't go to Indiana this weekend, I might edit and add to my Year In Review. Who knows. I'm not entirely satisfied with it since it feels like all those paragraphs feel like they were spit out.

As for New Year's.......it was good. Found out you shouldn't leave a group of girls alone with a karaoke machine. Some of them butchered my favorite songs. What I really want to do is go back in time and sing my best version of Human League's "Don't You Want Me." So many of those girls had no clue as to how a lot of my favorite music goes. Each year, they do Billy Joel's "Piano Man" that's okay, nothing special. To really give it a go, play something that kicks things up and brings out emotions. You cannot go wrong with 80's hair metal.

Yes, there was the inevitable midnight kiss and I was super drunk by midnight. Champagne bottle in hand and lots of shrimp in my belly, that's how this never-aging-guy lives his life. The best part is being put on the spot during a card game. I'm the only guy out of 5 that can name a brand of tampon. Kotex. Somehow, I kept it quiet that I know Playtex Pearl Glides thanks to a girlfriend that gave me a lesson on how great they are. Remember how I used to have a huge fear of tampon boxes?

I'm still afraid of midgets, though. It's the fear of getting into a fight with one. What do I do, get on my knees and go at it? Or do I drop-kick the little shit into the next parking lot?

So, I'm outta here. Card games that bring out a vampire's tampon knowledge. It almost sounds like the two go together. Get it? The best part is forcing all the girls playing to take a drink. Why? They all admit that they gave blowjobs at some point this year. C'mon, get happy. Happy twats all around.