Girls Can Be Such Idiots

Fact: 1 in 4 girls has an STD.

I found that interesting. A part of it had to do with the fact that I didn't have sex when I was a teenager. Gawd, I cannot imagine how awful I would have been discovering the opposite sex back when I was at war with nuns! My first experience would be the worst outtakes in a porn video so I think little girls need to keep their legs closed no matter how much they protest on knowing everything.

But truly, are we failing our girls? As shocked as I am to know that young girls are out there giving blowjobs, anal, and even sex, I'm wondering if this is the result of Bush's insisting that abstinence be taught in classrooms. Or could it be how stupid teens can be? The Internet is full of information about the bad things that come from having unsafe sex. You'd think someone that knows all about iPods and downloading music might take the time to do some actual reading. I sure as hell would if my crotch was itching all day.

Stupidity shouldn't just be labeled at teens. Another name for those that think Obama is Muslim can be included in this. How we have so much information available yet still be so stupid is what I cannot figure out.

My dog has been too poop'd to party. Today was so nice that I had to take her out for a walk this morning. While we did get to see geese fight over potential mates in the lake, nothing else happened. It was the usual pee on ever tree, check p-mail messages on said trees, and look into a home's sunroom for their 2 Himalayan Persian cats to threaten. You'd laugh, too, if you saw this tiny dog jump up and down to look into windows where cats suddenly scatter in terror.

That's been our night. 5-Pound Phooey has been asleep instead of spending the evening running around the house. No snacks were handed out since she slept on the floor of my room, snoring away. This happened last year. It takes 2 weeks to get her back into shape for all these walks where there will be a lot of vocal threats to the local 4-legged critters living around here. This bitch has balls.

I can totally relate in some ways. Work has been hell! We're going for longer hours now thanks to things picking up big-time. It used to be 1 day out of the week would be crazy while the rest were normal less crazy. For the past 3 days, there have been heavier things to be dealt with. While my body does look a bit more fit from the extra beatings, I have to sleep more. I've noticed that I have to wake up later.

Or it could be that I'm also a bit out of shape. Remember how I lost somewhere between 10-15 pounds during the flu? Well, I'm still missing about 9 of those pounds. 191.2 is what I weigh. Well, I'll be damned! Someone admits to their actual weight! I'd love to dare y'all into confessing how much all of you weigh but I doubt I'd get honest answers. There are 2 things a male is never allowed to ask a woman.

1). Weight
2). Age

You might add the whole swallowing question to that but that's more along the lines of an idiotic male going a bit too far with a potential date. It may be nice to watch a girl consume my most precious liquids but really.........who cares?

Spent a bit of time at my fat buddy's house. Richard's healed nicely after the surgery so I got to see pictures of all the bands he's been a roadie for. Crews get stickers so I noticed Joan Jett, Def Lepard, Reo Speedwagon, George Jones, Dolly Parton, Barbara Mandrell, Guns N Roses, and hundreds more that I've forgotten now. I would have loved to have heard Joan Jett play my favorite song, "Black Leather." Oh, we are talking some of he meanest guitar.

Being a dog-lover, it wasn't hard to be sniffed all over by a large golden retriever owned by Richard. She was a very nice dog that seemed to notice the fact that I have 4 little dogs of my own. They all do. It's like every dog I meet seems to feel the need to tell me I have 2 hot bitches and 2 stinky boys that he or she'd like to meet. Ever had a cold nose up your butt? Get a very big dog. You'll see what I mean when it comes to their not understanding rudeness.

So, I'm a bit tired now after work and getting 2 emails out. I've got 1 more to go where I have to describe a naughty dream that involved a fellow blogger. Aren't those fun? Mine's a bit complicated because it all started thanks to Sara's wanting to know about my thoughts on a threesome. Would you like to be in it as well? The newest issue of Playboy said these things are mainly fantasies because no one is that lucky. Oh, how I laughed at that. Ever met Sara? She's filthy lovable so it would be fun to add Summer to stir things up. I love sex so why not have fun with it? Happy twats all around.

Who Farted Who?

Fact: A British study found that the average woman farts 14 times a day.

Look, I don't know what magazine I read that from. I found it funny thanks to an Internet video answering the age-old question on whether beautiful women pass gas. A gorgeous bartender had various microphones placed around her in secret. Sure enough, there was a toot here and a toot there when she thought no one could hear. Do you realize how many giggles would be heard if we could listen to the guys listening on the beautiful girl's relief?

Ah, no more farting issues. I've had enough of such a thing for now. They come in fazes thanks to this weekend's watching a South Park episode that made fun of computer online addicts feeling like they are conquering the world. The whole gang gave their lives to destroying a geek that kept killing off their characters. Cartman decided to poop on a pan that his mother would bring for him while he continued to play. Sara would mimic the whole thing by saying:

"Mom! Bathroom!"

Down the stairs she would come with a pan for Cartman to poop on. I kid you not. I must be so behind in the times in thinking that censors would not allow turds to come out of cartoon characters' butts. By the way, it was a great South Park episode along with the one that made fun of 300 by taking us to the Les Bos bar. Get it?

As I said before, I had a great weekend. Wish I wasn't so tired from it, though. We're always so busy thanks to Spring coming up. An announcement of a marriage throws a lot of things off, namely gives us an excuse to get a bit drunk. Sara and I spent a lot of Sunday night with her gang of misfits after the movie, 10,000 B.C.

Warning: Do not go see 10,000 B.C. It is awful. While it is a movie, I have a hard time with inaccuracies like the enormousness of a sabre tooth tiger, perfect faces and teeth, boats, and a whole lot of shit you'll pick up on if you're smart. What I worry about is that kids going to see 10,000 B.C. will think all these things happened at that time. I hated wasting $8.50 to see that pile of shit that lasted close to 2 hours thanks to a large amount of movie trailers. The new Batman The Dark Knight one was cool, though. Way cool!

The Joker looks so close to perfect that I'm pretty sure I'm gonna sport a woody for 2 hours and die in the theater.

What Sara did for me on Sunday is something I'll never forget. After a late brunch in O'Charley's where we had the new omellets served only til 3pm, we hit the mall for Sara's new jeans. Didn't end up getting jeans. Instead, I watched as she paid $95 for 2 bras from Victoria's Secret. Jeez! I am so glad I am not a girl in many ways for I do not want to spend that kind of money to hide my beloved tits. I'm all for women being able to burn their bras and feel their boobs fly all over the place if this suits them. Knowing me, you shouldn't be surprised that I'd be unhappy with the 2-ton lardasses following all this.

Sara bought me 2 very nice button downs and cargo shorts from Express Men. Whoo! I've never had a girl buy me nice clothes like this. Never ever. I've gotten Calvin Klein underwear, flowers, t-shirts, books, candy, and so on. Nothing comes close the niceness of pin-striped button downs costing quite a bit even if there was a sale. I'm special........I guess. Sara always gives me the feeling she wants to dress me and I'm all for it. Gone are the days of XX-Large Air Jordan t-shirts to be replaced by more fitteds that accentuate what I've done to my body. I'm still prone to visits to Foot Locker but it's getting to the point that I can walk out more easily.

Don't go getting the idea I have a sugar mama. While it is nice to have a girl wanting to buy me clothes, I still wish to pay my own way. It is sweet, no? It is fun to have a girl walk through a department store and tell me what underwear she want to see protecting my cock or what color shirt would work with my blue eyes. How could I forget the letter I received from the woman that deflowered me? Those words that felt like a whisper, telling me how she loved to unbutton my Calvin Klein boxer briefs just to see my cock fall out after that torture of swelling in such a confined space.

There are a lot of emails to be sent out soon. I'm so behind thanks to being so busy with work and being in Indiana 2 weekends in a row. Plus, it took me a while to recover from the flu enough that I feel like myself again. Sammy, I'll hit you soon along with Summer's desire to read my filthy mind that's nowhere near as bad as Sara's. With this nice weather on its way, I'm longing to find myself in a good mood just pounding out sentences where I don't have to tell you how fed up I am with shoveling.

Did you know gas cost $1.42 when Bush took office? Just a thought.

So, I am outta here as I make my way to finishing the new DVD, Hitman. Love it so far. There is something to be said about an assassin that dresses perfectly. This movie has it all, some nudity with a hint of a lovely woman's bush, mysterious baddies, and violence that is a bit out there but still fun. Happy twats all around.

I See London, I See......

Fact: While taking a bath, I can fart so powerful that the bath water will empty out of the tub.

Actually, that's not true at all. Would be kind of cool, though just to find yourself having a rotten day only to discover that great power means a lot of responsibility. Bubbles are still fun to make on your own, though.

So, I am back. Didn't have much time to catch up on blogs thanks to a very busy weekend that started 1 hour from when I got into Indy. One of the guys in the group had a special 'announcement' to make that came in the form of an email. Weird. Never done something like that where an email is given to show to everybody in a living room setting. I'm only there because Sara has been friends with this guy since college. He's big, man. He's really, really big.

After 2 months of dating, our announcer is getting married. Oh, the groans and shrieks of protest poured out that night. How completely crazy to marry someone you still have so much to learn about! I mean, are you compatible with dealing with the other's bad habits? How about sex? Does he/she do it for you? Can you get through a whole month without wanting to kill the other? I'm going on 3 years with Sara and we know for a fact that the two of us are not ready. It's only now that I can handle the fact that girls poop. Sometimes, they poop so big that the room nearby needs to be condemned.

But in all seriousness, I just cannot fathom such a thing, to be married after 2 months. It's nice to see that everyone else in attendance to this announcement saw it as crazy. Hey, we look out for our own. We're for dating a bit longer and knowing, not being against marriage.

It's normal for Sara and I to have dinner with her parents on Sunday evenings so I brought the issue of marriage after 2 months of dating up with them. Oh, I love it when Sara's dad tells it like it is (Remember, I have to be careful as well......) by saying dating should go on for at least 5-7 years. A man after my own heart! Even the guests, an ex-CIA guy and his wife, told us over salad that marriage should not be rushed. Funny to me when Sara's dad pointed out that the guests moved in together and married many years later. There is something to be said when experienced people talk straight while also showing the humor in it all. You can tell they're still in love, too. She looks at him like Sara looks at me.

Oh, and then I get into it about guns while the women cleared the table, Jesse James's death by Robert Ford, and the Lone Ranger movie's introduction, to me, of the gattling gun. Long story short. Guy talk is great after spending 2 days of living with girls, Sara and her roommate. It's kind of like an initiation for me when I tell you that Sara's dad is taking me shooting soon. It's been a long time since I've shot a gun.

Yes, there was sex. It got so insane that I got dizzy and had to take a moment. Sara has an appetite that I, sometimes, find to be a bit too much for me. Could be the weather, too.

Our own announcement came up when I got to Indy. Sara is thinking that instead of Chicago in May it will be a trip to London, England. Whoo! Want to know what's what? I was thinking that, too. I've always wanted to walk cobblestone roads and see where Keira Knightley grew up. Yeah, Sara rolled her eyes because, for her, it's all about the art museums. Well, that, too. May is going to be super busy and expensive but London is just a thought. Knowing Sara, 'thoughts' are very close to being something definite. Got to get a passport.

So, I'm going to stop here for now. The reasons are that I'm super tired and that a fellow blogger has been showing up in my sex dreams a bit too often. Dammnit, Summer! Where in the hell did you learn that I liked that!?! Oh, this blog has been too open and such so it's my fault. The best part is that Sara told me that if she ever got a hold of Keira's panties, she'd give 'em to me. That, my friends, is a very, very special woman. More on that later. Happy twats all around.

For Fun, In Butt

"Retarded or not, here I come!"

-Me

My love of the porn world's desire to out kink itself makes me glad I'm not a porn star. While I still long for the semi-bushes on women and an actual believable sexy story, I'm not so sure if women putting various drinks up their butts and then shooting them into a glass to drink is what I wish to see. Out of all my erotic dreams, the Kool-Aid Man does not come bursting through a wall to tell a young lass to 'put this up her butt.'

Sometimes, I'm lucky. I certainly wouldn't have said that last week during the flu. It's just that I am packing up for Indiana thanks to a dog-sitting interview. In other words, the dog has to like me. I'm hoping the little Yorkie likes cargo pants and a black D.R.I. fit Air Jordan t-shirt. Since my parents own 4 of these little mad dogs, I know how picky they can be.

It all started when Sara was asked to dog-sit for a woman she used to work with. This was a while ago and I guess my pictures of 4 Yorkies in various cowboy outfits (their stylist does this every year) got her attention when I brought them for show. Sara and I will be taking care of a house for a week all while getting paid. Plus, we get free food with various coupons to take advantage of. Wow! I didn't even think about payment when discussion took place. That's like a total holiday for me, laying on a couch after a workout where a small dog sits on my lap expecting a walk or good old fashioned noogie. 5-Pound Phooey likes it when I take her ears in my mouth and tug on them.

Cats. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with cats this time. My allergies are very bad. The more cats there are, the worse it gets where I will be struggling to breathe. It's not a joke. Sara's roommate has a cat, Lenore, that likes me. Sara's friends all seem to have cats as well. The only exception is a couple that own turtles. Oh, and those creatures in a half-shell do bite.

So, what's going on with you? Things are so quiet when my fat buddy, Richard, has had to lay low due to surgery for repairing the tendons in his right arm. He's right-handed so I asked him what's the major thing he has to worry about. Guys being guys, he mimics wiping his ass with his left hand. C'mon, you'd be scared about that, too.

Fact: Muslims see the left hand as evil. Richard would be fucked if he was Muslim.

Still lovin' Bravo's Make Me A Supermodel and can't wait for Top Chef's debut. Love food? Each episode will make you salivate over what's going on at the stove/challenge. Sara got me into this show, hosted by one of the loveliest of model's Padma. One thing I love is how she wouldn't allow people to cover up her scar from a car accident. I dig scars but I also want her to be shown in all her glory rather than as perfection.

Well, I must be off like a prom dress on prom night. I've got a small amount of packing to do and a lot of errands for tomorrow. Oil changes suck. Work makes me antsy because I know I have to drive to Indiana right after. Is anyone reading this shit? I know I owe you an email, Sammy, but where is your blog now? Happy twats all around.

They Killed Swayze! You Bastards!

"Tink's tampons!"

-Jenks, a pixy in the Rachel Morgan series (what he says when surprised)

Wow. I don't know what to say when I read that Patrick Swayze doesn't have much longer to live. Terminal cancer? The dude smoked like a chimney long ago. For me, it was Road House and Dirty Dancing that gave me Patrick Swayze fever. You can chalk up Donnie Darko, too, because he played the religious freak that was secretly a pedophile. But c'mon, we all loved Dirty Dancing. It gave us that urge to dance again but, for me, it was all about the music where I had the time of my life. I've loved so many songs on that soundtrack that will always remind me of how that dance instructor taught a young girl to rebel against her boring parents.

I've never known anyone with terminal cancer. Lung cancer? Oh, yeah, a fellow high school graduate got it even though she never smoked. Weird to know that there are things floating around in the air that can make you sick. I'm as cautious as I can when it comes to being around fumes of any type. To know that Patrick Swayze is due to die soon really gets to me.

Do you see the ironic thing? Jeff Healey, the blind musician in Road House died recently. Ever seen him play? Rent Road House and pay attention to the blind guy on the guitar. For a short time, Jeff was pretty famous.

So, what can I tell you? My hair is working for me. Haven't figured out why I have so many bad hair days thanks to how it wants to go all over the place. Think Wolverine's look in X-Men because it tends to loop up like that.

The gym is very quiet thanks to the local students being on Spring Break. Of course, they have the safety of Playboy Magazine looking out for them on the beaches. I've no idea how to handle a guy coming up to me asking me to pose nude if I was a girl with a great body. I'd hope that I had a nicely shaved twat, seeing as $500 is very good when I've got student loans to pay off. Since I'm a male, Playgirl would just pass me by. Sara says I have no ass. Too bad. I've always wanted to wave my penis at a camera.

First comes snow and thens slush. Hello more snow on Friday. Lucky us.

Watched 300 again. Love it. I'm pretty sure I'd make a fine Spartan where even the scholars have abs of steel. What people forget about them is that their way of fighting is still legendary if you look at the logics. Spartans would form a phalanx, an impossible formation of shields that would suddenly rise up for a spear to be thrusted at the enemy. So many had a hard time figuring out a weak point. There wasn't much because the Spartan next to him would protect the man taking anyone down. Even the women were stronger than any other culture's way of life. I cannot imagine fucking such elegance but toughness.

Found a really amusing but creepy set of pictures in Photobucket. All of them consist of pictures taken of various worn women's panties. I'm sure you girls have had to deal with a lone male trying to get a pair of your dirty knickers. This guy seems to love pee, pussy, period, and ass stains like no other. Why do I picture him like a cat rolling around in dirty panties?

At my old college, women had problems with guys that would steal their panties out of the laundry room. Anytime a girl did her laundry, she'd have to stay down there with a magazine or homework. Not the guys. Women just don't steal men's undies. Remember, I've had only one girlfriend that loved smelling my Calvins all because she loved the smell of semen and hoped for me having a 'wet dream.'

I also had a roommate, Dan, who liked to show me his 'trophies.' He had a large collection of dirty panties where he'd invite any of the roommates to smell them. Ugh. Pee stains are just gross. Why a guy would keep 'em just for pussy stains is just as bad. But, hey, a guy likes to advertise the fact that he had sex at some point in his life. Either that or he waited in laundry rooms for that once in a lifetime chance to sniff the aroma of a sorority girl.

In my belief, if a girl has been fucked well, it's a beautiful thing when she hands you the panties she had worn right before that moment. It's kind of a quiet way of telling the guy that what was done was naughty and the naughtiness continues. While it is sexy to know how each woman wets her panties differently, I'm just not one to keep 'em. Creepy.

So, I see Obama is losing a little momentum in this run for presidency. I'm no Hilary fan so I will admit to a little nervousness over this. Just what is Obama writing during those debates? How many wanna bet this man has had panties thrown at him? Most women in politics are gross, though. There would be Cheetos fingerprints thanks to too many visits to the vending machines while waiting for the speeches.

I leaveth you here. I'm bored and growing even more bored lately. Without Richard in the gym due to his surgery and all the students being gone, my only life is complaining about the latest pile of shit that older co-worker of mine did in his pants. We always know when he's nearby. Trust me. Happy twats all around.

Snow Is Killing Me

"Anticipation of death is worse than death itself."

-Unknown

Do you ever get that? Your week or day was so bad that it feels like everything you've done is worth nothing. There is no glory. There is nothing to make you feel any better. You're only option is to shut the fuck up and accept the fact that you are fucked.

Ta-da! We got another snow storm. Don't go boo-hooing me. This one was pretty damn bad, seeing as there was a lot of drifting snow all day. Just putting $15 worth of gas in my car had me wondering where my inner polar bear had gone. Normally, I'm fine with snow. I drive quite easily through it. When you combine snow with wind, well, that's another story as the numbers on the gas machines seemed to read slower than normal.

Your only options through things like this are to read, play video games, or just watch some damn fine TV. Hopefully, you aren't one of those idiots that seem to need to be out getting their cars stuck in ditches. We get plenty of those, seeing as the local police patrol was quite busy. Driving home, I saw a Mexican get smacked in the back by one of our finest, a teenager going too fast in the left lane. Survey says...........EXECUTION!

If you wish to know, white chocolate Reece's Peanut Butter Cups miniatures are excellent in calming me down. Did plenty of very difficult sit-ups to earn 'em. Sara's mom bought me a bag before I left for home on Sunday night.

So, my day? I start out grumpy because I overslept. Look out the window and see that the snow coming down is just another nail in the coffin. I've got work at some point where I will be pretty much wiped out. But first? Head on out to haunt a bookstore. Snoop around and hope new magazines have been put out. Drive home to read some more of Kim Harrison's The Outlaw Demon Wails. Lunch. Got to work. Come home a bit hyperactive after all that heavy lifting. Eat dinner. Hit the gym. Watch Scooby-Doo on the Boom Network. Hope something comes up on pay cable. Oh, lordy! 300 and Disturbia is on. Which is it gonna be? Abs or neighbor that spies on the neighborhood's hot girl? Am I gay?

Mind you, I'm only halfway through Disturbia. Looks okay. Does this give the okay for teenage boys to use binoculars when a cute girl moves next door? We all live for knowing what color panties you girls are wearing. It really makes our days and nights.

So, I'm sad. Had a weekend spent in Indiana where I was so tired all the time. Stuck by snow and it's normally a time where I'm out wondering the neighborhood with 5-Pound Phooey. I miss those times. Raccoons and people weirder than me out and about. Ever seen a guy walk around in the snow without his shirt? You will. Maybe I'll tell you about creepy panty guy. It's always amusing to know that there are guys that collect worn panties and brag about it. Happy twats all around.

I Would Have Surrendered

"No retreat.
No surrender.
That is Spartan Law!"

-300

So, you want to know what's on my mind? You wouldn't be here if you didn't. I do get it, in that blogs can keep you entertained or just make you feel some form of happiness that someone else feels the same.

I'm dead tired. However, this is a different kind of tired. I just got back from Indiana where the visit was so-so. Mostly, this was my fault in that I carry so many allergy issues. Cats are my worst enemy, even if they're rarely in the room with me. My body was so worn down throughout out this weekend that I worry how I'm doing with Sara. While it could be the Winter blues, this is definitely now me, tired and worn out to the point that I don't even like myself. What happened to my energy? What happened to not thinking about going to sleep all the time?

When Sara and I went to the gym for a workout, I noticed that my body barely reacted to the workout. Normally, I'd be pumped up with all these strange feelings of wanting to accomplish everything. Not a drop. Nothing reacted and I walked on the treadmill wondering what was wrong with me.

I tend to worry what Sara thinks. A lot of this comes from her roommate's cat. I'm not kidding. 1 cat is hard. The 3 cats in the apartment we visited 2 weeks ago had me feeling like I was close to death. It's nearly impossible to breathe at that point. When would I find the ability to do away with all this sleepiness and just be me again? You know it. I know it. We all want to be fucked in our beds but I can barely awaken my body enough. It happens but not as often as I'd like.

Sara did a blog entry about a movie she found so powerful, Gone Baby Gone. While I liked it quite a bit, it's too much of a downer to watch over and over. I had already had the feeling of it being that way so I just find it weird that Sara kept insisting on all of us watching it. The characters were so strong and Ed Harris as fascinating as usual but it really is kind of a downer when it comes to the kidnapping plot. Did the girl live or die? What you'll notice right away is that not all the actors and actresses are pretty. You've got some real-life looking people found on the street. While I could sit and watch the Smurfs a few times in a row, Gone Baby Gone can really make you wonder how low people can go.

Oh, we did have some nice weather over the weekend. Very strange to be able to walk to the gym without shivering. Snow melted and you'd see various people out for walks to shop nearby or just for something to do.

So, why did I go to Indiana? Sara said she was feeling better and I missed her. That's pretty much it as I surprised her by showing up on her bed after she got back from an errand. Just wish I had energy. Sex drive gets zapped away as well. Happy twats all around.