Thursday, May 29, 2008

Night Swimming

Me: "What, do I stink?"

Sara: "Mm-hmm."

-You have to enjoy the loveliness of honesty in relationships. Or, at least, understand that I tend to get night sweats, one of life's greatest pleasures of burning off just about every calorie so a girl can wake up next to a six-pack. In my case, it's a 4-pack of rippled stomach.

So, how's life? We're heading for storm central as many destructive ones are headed this way tomorrow. Rain is the last thing this town needs, trust me on that one. The only good thing is that I can rest my sore hamstring and skinned big toe on my left foot instead of having to go for another damn walk with 5-Pound Phooey where she shoots her mouth off or gets smacked in the face by a cat.

I spent some of Monday afternoon looking at information on 'night sweats.' Well, Sara keeps pointing out how hot I get at night and leave my side of the bed's sheets all crinkly. It's weird.....really when it comes to finding out just how hot my body gets. Fun in the winter but awfully nasty in the summer. In my defense, that statement above came after a long day of work, etc. Sara says I smell good normally, as long as I'm not under too many covers.

Sara equals cold. Mike equals H-O-T.

Apparently, these 'night sweats' are normal. While it can be a pain to find sheets slowly drying out, I'm definitely all for the burning off of calories. Really. I've had moments where I ate a big meal, feel bloated, and wake up like I did 1,000 sit-ups. Be jealous all you want but these moments don't happen here. In fact, it's quite rare for me to get 'night sweats' at home. I'm pretty much fine so it might be some sort of reaction to the cat in the apartment or the large amount of layers that Sara insists on sleeping under. Me? Summer's are better spent buck naked while winters need only a sheet while being on top of a comforter. You read that right. Love sleeping on top of a very soft comforter.

I'm skinny, spoiled, in a relationship that continues to tickle my brain and dick, and full of life. Don't be jealous. See me for how I thrill myself and take life in for your own needs. Sara says I can entertain the fuck out of her.

To answer the biggest question on your minds, no, I have not seen the new Indiana Jones flick. Oh, do I! While I'm not completely thrilled with seeing an aging Indy facing new dangers, it does bring back a time where I was thrilled to be in the theater. The sad thing I find about age is that I am the only one within the group in Indiana that has seen all 3 movies in the theater. It's all about Raiders Of the Lost Ark. Hands down. It is THE best one. Nothing beats seeing Indiana Jones getting diarrhea so it's inevitable that he shoot that big nasty swordsman.

Raiders Of the Lost Ark? Can slightly remember being in the theater, had coloring books where I was obsessed with Indy's gun holster (I was.......like weird, no?), fell in love with Marion (who knew drinking boys under the table would turn me on), got mystical about the Ark, and couldn't get enough of the evil Nazi in the black trenchcoat. What's not to like? I remember recording the theme song for my mother and insisted that be hers as she drove off to teach 3rd Grade. Sometimes, you have to give Mum a little pat out the door.

Oh, this brings up something. Sara and I did a poll because we got into a small argument about which Indiana Jones flick is best. I said Raiders while she said The Last Crusade. Yeah, the third one was good but nowhere near as my Raiders. Funny thing happened. Every girl that we asked said the The Last Crusade while all the males said Raiders at the wedding's reception. I just cannot fathom why because that first one had so much, especially the mysteriousness of Indiana Jones. C'mon, there's a reason that girl in his classroom wrote those words on her eyelids. I'd have a crush on him, too, if I knew what he was up to on the weekends where it's not watching football but trying to not get run over by a giant boulder while half-naked natives give chase.

You can imagine what happened next. We tried to get Indiana Jones on DVD or hope that a showing was on cable. No luck. All checked out at Blockbuster while the stations weren't playing anything. Weird. This was the weekend for such a thing but whoever decides viewing choices is an idiot. Why didn't I buy a copy? Already have one but it got left here in Illinois. Who else remembers Mr. Jones being on TBS so often that you wonder why its not on now?

Lucky for me, I was merrily drunk on Saturday night, relaxed by various tweeks taken out, and had 2 kittens to play with. Yeah, forgot to tell about that part. The owners of the house we went crazy at after the wedding took in 2 kittens a bit too early. They're 3 weeks old and boy are they tiny. All drunken debauchery comes to a halt when you find 2 tiny little orange bodies pouncing around with socks stuffed with cotton balls on their butts. Potty training for cats 101 has begun. 3 weeks is too soon for kittens to be taken from their mother.

So, sit back and relax as I get back into the swing of things here on Blogger. Tiredness, aching muscles, and distractions will flutter away like yesterday's fart. More to come as Sara brings up another thought on a threesome when I met a friend of hers she likes at the party. Why does she wait til afterwards to tell me that this girl is a dominatrix? Possibly because it's not good to interrupt a drunken male that continues to think 80's music is best when being driven home after a good time. Happy twats all around.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Women Without Light Are Horny

"Bald-O? Hey, what's up, dude? Long time no talk! What am I doin'? Oh, nothing much. Just laying here buck naked while my girlfriend takes pictures of my asshole with her digital camera. And you?"

-Me (What I said while Sara was doing just what I stated, just throwing out a possible hypothetical conversation if Bald-O called during it.)

Whew! What a long weekend! It's been a long time since I've stayed at Sara's for 5 days. Those days went by fast because it was all chaos and me drunkenly singing after a house party. Have I ever left college?

As weird as it sounds, I ended up at a wedding on Saturday. Let's just say I completely forgot about it and had to spend some time hoping Sara's dad's nice clothes would fit me. Or else I'd be spending 30 minutes prior to leaving in Target. I'm easy to shop for thanks to having a great size. Just too stupid to remember that I have to attend a building that would really like to see me burned up in flames as I walk into its doors.

Sara's parents' friends in college had the wedding. 2 people a bit on the large side, well, let's just say that the bride was pretty much on the looking-like-she-weighs-more-than-a-pickup type. Of course, Sara was a bit miffed at me for mentioning how awful she looked. You'd think losing weight before the wedding would be a good idea but noooooooooo. Cheeks of pink chunkiness very inclined to eat cake are so in this year.

Been a long time since I've sat in a pew. Spent so much time there in private Catholic school, only we had nice pads to kneel on. There? Nothing that I could find. Even the song books contained music I couldn't remember being forced to sing. Believe it or not, I loved the church music like "Eagle's Wings" so much that I enjoyed pausing to listen to people that could actually sing. My voice is more likely to be hell-bent on unleashing a drunken version of Culture Club's "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?"

That was what Sara had to put up with later. I was D-R-U-N-K after the house warming party that took place after the wedding. Showed up wearing the nice white button down and tie only to walk back to the car carrying it in my arms. No, I didn't just decide to take off my clothes in this freshly bought house. Just didn't want it reeking of booze when I had to give them back to Sara's dad.

I think Sara finds it funny when I'm drunk. While there have been times that my temper flares up to which everyone has had a look of horror on their faces, I'm pretty much a merrily singing weirdo. Every damn song I could come up with was suddenly sent out of my mouth, garbled or unintelligible is up for debate. I just like weird shit. 4 beers and 1 margarita send me into a whole other universe where Sara must drive my stinkiness home. I like my life. I like it very much.

So, I must tell you the inevitable. I'm fucking tired and broken. Thanks to a major chest workout yesterday in an upscale gym, my chest is so sore. Work brought a sore left hamstring. Walking the dog tonight brings tired feet. We've yet to mention how Sara just suddenly decides to fuck me late at night. Why is it that women just cannot make up their minds? I asked her nicely if there will be sex before turning out the light. "No." Next thing I know there is a dark object sitting on my crotch wearing nothing but a smile. Ah, nothing like waking up with a sticky dick in the morning. Happy twats all around.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Gone Again

"Blind boys don't lie!"

-The Lost Boys Theme

Sorry, guys. I'm just too worn the fuck out and not so talkative right now. For many, it's gas prices that are wearing them down. With me, I'm just astonished that after discovering a brand new free short porn video site there is a 10 video limit per day. Damn them for making my mornings less interesting. Damn them til tomorrow. Orange juice and porn, first thing in the morning.

For research, of course........

I'm going to wish y'all a great weekend. I'll be in Indiana at a house warming party and possibly a cabin visit in the middle of nowhere where Sara's dad might insist I go fishing with him. Not a bad idea but with me and water........the Jaws theme keeps playing in my head. Burgers and then scary catfish. Hey, who doesn't think that alcohol fuels weird thoughts?

Reader, I don't know what you are doing. Most of you hardly ever update. Those that go off into some weird la-la land all while hardly coming here are people I don't read anymore. There are days that I miss reading about other people's sex lives ya know? C'mon, I can take it. Tell me about how your boyfriend forgot the keys to the handcuffs or that wacky incident where he put a condom on but suddenly had to pee. Sex And the City does have its moments where reality can be found in a show. Yeah, Sara made me watch Samantha, Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte and, yes, I laughed.

So, have fun, get laid, make sure your kid puts sunscreen on his/her behind if the weekend calls for being a nudist, stay away from driving people that freeload on your fuel, let the boyfriend air out his farts before allowing him indoors, when in doubt whip your tits out, become an attention whore by smacking your ass when drunk with a group of friends, support your local parks by giving head behind the bushes, avoid cops, and don't throw up in the your mom's nearest flower pot. Trust me on that last one. I'm off to play on Youtube. Happy twats all around.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Memorial Day?

"When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family?"

-Sex And the City

So, what are YOU doing this weekend? Like it happens every year, I forget Memorial Day comes up. It's the one Holiday that I never can remember no matter how hard I try. There's nothing really to celebrate because it's all one big fucking excuse to plop the kids in the wagon and hit the highway to hear in sing-songy voices that Barney loves you. Love him back, dammit! Purple dinosaurs are a bitch to deal with when it comes to 3-year-olds.

Of course, I don't have kids. Hate 'em. This weekend, I will, surprise surprise, be in Indiana with a twist. A couple Sara and I have known for some time got engaged on New Year's. They now own a house that needs warming up. Weird to know us young 'uns are allowed to own homes. You'd see it as weird, too, when there were nights spent watching Star Trek and drinking beer. Hooray for the beer. Never got the love of Star Trek, unlike others that made it so popular that stadium seating was needed on the final Beer Trek night.

But a home? Sara and I took a look at it on Friday night. Nice and majorly awesome for us males. There's lots to do, fixing up style. I've got a lower floor for just us guys to hang out in because women can be, like, so annoying at times. On Friday, I got called out to head on down when the two of us were tired of hearing the girls yak about the usual trivial shit. What goes on when the boys want to be alone? Usually, it's beer. This time it was putting up a bookshelf. Bookshelves get some love when girls go loopy.

We've grown up. Actually, Sara doesn't like that term, "grow up," because it's really the point where you heart dies. Ever notice how there are a lot of adults that are just plain dull? I mean, you try to find humor in all sorts of things just begging for it's all for naught because you only get a stone-face? When you grow up, your heart truly dies. You're boring and belong in a cubicle for the rest of your miserable life while some of us still go to the park to swing on the swing-set. I, on the other hand, still find it delightful to do naked cartwheels.

Cookouts happen and we might as well enjoy them with what little freedoms we have left during this regime under Bush. When I was a kid, I never got why I'd see guys hang around a grill while holding beers. Now I do. Love 'em. Beer, bullshittin', and complimenting on any pair of titties on display is the sign of a perfect Holiday. No work discussion. Enjoy your beer. Talk about who has the worst possible game in bedding a girl. Hope that your girlfriend's hot friend's tit pops up when preparing the Slip N Slide.

Another reason to smile? Getting off of work early.

Oh, and if you're bitching about being broke thanks to gas prices, I'm with ya. 79 miles adds up, especially when you go 2 weekends in a row. The way I look at it is this. If you're happy with someone, things like that shouldn't bother you. To further this, I'd say that I'd rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. Can you believe all this sentimentalises all while wearing a Ghostbusters t-shirt?

What I do love is walking down the street with my little dog all while wearing my grey Batman t-shirt with the large yellow symbol. Sara says I look hot in it. Is the tightness the reason I see old ladies smile as they drive by? Or is it that my little dog is the cutest thing when combined with a large guy that sometimes has to bend down to give it a pep talk? Trust me. You girls have thongs to hint while I have a clear sighting of my Calvin Kleins peeking out.

I'm outta here and possibly going to read a little bit of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novels. Never knew they were this good, artwork that is. How well the character is drawn is important to me. Still cannot believe that guy on MTV's The Real World stole that girl's panties. She should have looked straight into the camera and stated that the man is a panty-sniffer. And the Japanese smile. Happy twats all around.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It's All Buried Under the Shed

"Tequila may make her pants come off but Corona can whisper sweet-nothings that make her blush with interest."

-Me

I'm in a bout of hatred for work. It's gotten a bit heavy due to our needing a lot more people to pull off this shit. Each dock has to have a certain amount of things done or we're not doing enough. This becomes extremely annoying for those of us drenched in sweat and wondering just what 'enough' really entails. Yeah, it's great to hear your boss tell you how great you are but then pull a 360 by telling you that you're a little slow after so many hours. Hey dipshit, let's see you do this for as many hours as you order me to be there.

First of all, I get home a little hyper, something that happens when I get off of work. I know it won't last so that's when I hit the gym. Change, eat a little, and off I go! My early evenings don't see my stop because I also have to walk 5-Pound Phooey or she gives me hell about the lack of time to shoot her mouth off. The need to be dominant must stir within her prior to a walk.

It's weird. The unemployment number rose. We don't have enough workers. Not many businesses I know have enough workers. Why is it that this recession finds businesses needing people? Could it be that said businesses act like assholes during that time of year where money is in desperate need? Oh, remember those times at my old job?

So how did I end up being buck-naked on Sara's couch for over 5 hours? I posed for a painting. This was odd because Sara said she would never paint me. It's kind of like that thing where Seinfield was begging the masseuse to use her hands on him but she just doesn't believe in doing work with her love life. I'm in complete understanding because it all reminds me of how a part of me, no matter how talented in the working out, will not see working in a gym as a good thing.

Balls made a touch down on Sara's couch. Felt weird being like that, removing my clothes for Sara before she painted. Just lil' ol' me and my gigantic balls that gave her a good laugh to see scrunched up on the couch's cushions. Now, I know what those girls who posed for Playboy were talking about. For the first 5 minutes, being naked in a living room was weird but it all went away soon enough. Even the guy mowing the lawn while the windows were open didn't bother me. By jeeves, if the man wants to see my penis, he shall see it!

However, he will never get to see my wiggle it all around like I've been known to do.

Posing sucks. Various body parts soon need blood to run back throughout the veins. Elbow ached. Toes needed flexing. My right bicep tightened at some point. The thing that made it real bad was my cat allergies coming on hard. Somehow, a cat hair ended up in my contact. There was no complaining because posing had to be done to get my face right. While I agree that Sara got it down, my own mother didn't see me in it at all. Yes, she saw the painting because Sara took a picture for me to take with me.

Note: Sara also took a picture of me posing. If you look closely enough, you'll see my gigantic balls scrunched up, looking like they don't want to come out til later. Nocturnal nuts. I got nocturnal nuts on Sunday.

To be honest, it is kind of scary to pose completely nude. What if I giggle? Getting sudden wood wouldn't be a big deal because that'll have Sara stop painting and relieve me of it her way. The thing that made me laugh to myself is wondering whether I left any ball hairs like the cat leaves her hair all over the place everyday. My contact? How the hell did I get a long white hair in there!?!

It all came to a nice conclusion. Sara gave me a bowl of her Rice Krispies (with strawberries) and we watched Mr. And Mrs. Smith for the 4th or 5th time together. Yeah, we love it. That's us Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Sara and I could be spies, ya know? Neither of us believes in living a boring lifestyle. That's what happens when you pair artists with people that are up for anything thanks to seeing things as adventures. Treading dangerous waters with a possible threesome? Sara and I think not.

So, I bid adieu now as I'm off to recover from another long day at work where that dock saw my boots far too often. Sleep is great but knowing I'll have to be back at work for another round has me hating. A wedding in July has me wearing a suit. Sara insists I get one even though I normally go to weddings in the ol' white button down with tie. Gotta look good, yo. Mr. Smith would when forced to visit the Colemans. See the movie to understand what I'm saying. Happy twats all around.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I Added Peas

"I added peas."

-Mr. And Mrs. Smith (when Mr. Smith states that there is something different about dinner)

I always loved that line. It's not just that one but many others that I can recite so easily. Just witness Sara and I watching Mr. And Mrs. Smith (again) on Sunday night and you'll get the gist. We get the whole joke because that, if you ever find a movie that is basically you, is us.

I think T.G.I.Friday's is trying to kill me. Order a slushie drink and they just keep coming thanks to free refills. 3 overly sugar packed kool-aid-looking ones came at me with amazing speed. As soon as I was done with one, the waitress brought another and another and another. Being hyped up on sugar had me jittery and far-gone retarded then ever before.

It's obvious that I am back here in town. Very, very tired from dropping off my bags, off to work, 150 push-ups, walk the dog, and clean up the mess someone made on my room's floor. All in all, I never really get to sit down til the early evening. Life just never fucking stops enough to let me catch my breath. Makes me wonder how I had the time to listen for the ice cream man's bell so I could shake my mom down for a few quarters. Where did I have so much energy?

Funny how I feel so much like I'm part of Sara's family. Caught myself humming along to Bon Jovi's interview on 60 Minutes with her mom in the kitchen. Yes, one of the best karaoke songs has to be 'Living On A Prayer' as we reminisce to our days of tight jeans and major hairspray issues. For me, it was sitting on the metal fence and trying my hardest to sound like a music critic all while deciphering those words. C'mon, you know it, too.

"Janie, used to work on the docks".....and then somewhere out comes a "We'll give it a shot say whoaaaaaaa halfway there...oh ohhhh living on a prayer!"

Whatever. Music is just something you have to have because some of it can transfer you right back to a place you would've forgotten. Pat Benatar and even Phil Collins can show you how weird I get.

So, I really need to hit the hay or I'll pass out here on a keyboard with letters embedded into my skull. UR MORON LOL FRT ON U M8 could happen to anyone that tends to think hair metal has another chance of a comeback or is actual good music. Tomorrow, I'll explain why I sat completely naked through Bravo's So You Think You Can Dance, every fucking episode where my balls were scrunched on a couch. Think I'm kidding? Cat's leave their hair. Is it possible I left behind some of my balls'? Happy twats all around.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

No Brown Girl Today

"If you catch a naked Ultrarooster, you get a boy with a disappearing ass and no pot o' gold."

-Me

Life sure changes fast. Another one of the gang in Sara's life is possibly leaving for greener pastures. Since when have we become cows, anyway? Jobs are more plentiful in bigger cities so off another one goes. Nice guy if you like someone that will blurt out nasty things about blacks and Middle Eastern people. Sara says he's an equal opportunist when it comes to remarks like that. While I'm fine with that, I still think he is racist. Period. People would wonder why that is not a problem for me and all I can say is that I don't govern people's beliefs.

If you say such things to my black friends, you will find yourself on your knees, however.

A strange thing has happened lately. I'm finding more and more people are racist than ever. Just curious if anyone else notices this. Obama's running for president has brought out a lot of people that will say with no remorse that they will not vote for him because there should be no blacks in the White House. Wow. And you wonder why I think it's time for someone younger to lead us over these 50-year-old voting dinosaurs........

Saw Richard today. It rained so he had the opportunity to get his fat ass in the gym. There was an extra large smile on his face due to the fact that, yes, he did get laid like he promised. Ah, to see the crowd that explores the XXX-Large clothing racks doing the horizontal mambo. Richard said he needed that sex so bad. Must have put in the work because he's due to get laid again on Saturday. Aren't older people, like, so romantic during times of desperate perversion? He'd laugh if he heard that from me.

Somehow, rain helps make the horrors of work a little better. I watched out on the dock as it came down hard. Nothing to do after work anyway thanks to rain making a walk impossible. Have you ever pulled off sticks stuck to a dog's butt? Dirty paws? Not on my white throw that sits on top of my bed!

VH1 is showing a History Of Sex that finished tonight. They started at the 50's and ended somewhere around the late 80's. You know me. I'm always curious about this stuff but I sorta rolled my eyes.

"The history of sex? Haven't I heard it all before? MTV and every other channel has done some sort of special at some point. I once did a 23-page paper on pornography that my professor thought quite well-put. What could I possibly not know?"

Well, I can tell you that I loved VH1's History Of Sex even if I only caught the last 3 episodes, basically where a lot of my papers were on. The 80's are well-known to me because I read the whole Meese Commision's Report on pornography and, yes, that was very amusing. You'd be surprised at the wording of old men describing the visuals of porn. Apparently, all men enjoy tying up women, spying on them showering, promiscuous women dressing slutty or in Girl Scout uniforms, ejaculating on their faces, and watching them pee. The secret is out! We're filthy! I must admit that a hot chick in a Girl Scout uniform and no panties gets major points when she brings cookies with peanut butter since I cannot eat chocolate.

But really, our history of sex is fascinating with how the sexual revolution helped women find the power to defend themselves. Did you know the term 'battered woman' was a new word in the 80's? Divorces happened but not many will admit that a lot of times they were a result of women not being sexually satisfied? It's weird how you have to look at things that aren't so put out there to realize that no matter how you view sex and porn, women were given a set of brass balls.

And the moral majority? I get so angry at the religious fanatics telling us that AIDS is God's way of punishing gays. Our own president didn't utter a word on this disease til 1987. True. I remember how my private school was dead set on telling us that Reagen was the greatest president. Never mind the large homeless population. Never mind how the rich got richer. Never mind this new disease that was killing the gay population AND heterosexuals left and right. God hates fags. It's that simple to those leading our world. Fags need to be rid of once and for all. I'm not a very forgiving person so I will never ever forget how a part of my education had, at one time, made me preach a small bit of hate towards those just living my life all while thinking religion is a good thing.

And then my aching penis met a nice wet vagina.........

No preaching. The rain kind of makes me angry. That's pretty much all it's been doing since 3pm. No walking makes me cranky. The gym wasn't exactly up to par. No, that brown girl was not there tonight. Just me trying to get through another day where I wonder if I even exist. You'd ask if I read a vampire graphic novel. I'd say yes because somehow one forced to work in a convenient store reminds me I have it much better than him. Well, except when that old guy at work shits his pants on a hot day. Stink during humidity travels fast. Happy twats all around.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Hillary, Go Home

Question: Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?

Answer: Don't know and don't care.

Sounds like the world today. At least, when I saw that question being used as a sense of humor, it reminded me of how so many people I meet have no real thinking. Many don't read the newspapers. Nothing that gives you an idea they get news from the Internet's news outlets. It's pretty much Us Weekly and, yes, they can tell you that Britney Spears wore something extra tacky the day before.

So, Jon Edwards now comes out to support Obama. Hooray or nay? I'm in the hooray zone right now because I hope this all makes that carpet-bagger, Hillary, realize her chances really are nil for the Democratic nomination. As much as I am fine with having a woman in the White House, it's best not to have one that cries for votes, makes up stories, and panders. It felt so oddly beautiful when Obama didn't go the route of telling everyone he was for getting rid of a gas tax. While it might have gotten a few more votes from ignorant voters, it showed, at least to me, that he treats his audience with a sense of intelligence. Even McCain tried the pandering route. It's sad when a 70something-year-old has to try to look like he cares.

What is it with people looking down at Obama? As much as it can be a slight singe for him to talk to us like everyone is intelligent thanks to there being a large following for Nascar and bowling being sports, isn't it about time we had someone that will allow people to love those of the same sex? What about how awful marijuana laws have become? Putting so many non-violent people in prison all just to clog up things makes me wonder who really tells us that it's a gateway drug to harder ones. This all makes me feel as if those over 50 and in charge of our laws have no understanding as to how the average American lives.

I drink beer and, yes, that is a drug, a depressant to be exact. There is nothing in me that sees gays as being the downfall of this Earth. There is global warming. Porn is not the enemy. Religion is nothing but a crutch for the feeble minded to use as bigotry in the world. Dogs and cats living together can create harmony. Older lawmakers remind me of how we all have to know that one old man that smells of shit and needs to be taken out in the backyard and shot with the hose from time to time.

Yesterday, a brown girl was shocked that I commented to her how beautiful she looked in her yellow dress. How could I not? This girl is walking towards me as she is on her way out of the gym and I'm surrounded by smelly guys. The sight of a cute brown girl looking quite nice in a gorgeous dress has a way of being much more stunning when every one else is dripping with sweat. I've had comments like that on how I dress so I know it can make a person's day.

Today was different. Here I am sitting on the bench resting after another set of bench-presses. I hate working on the chest. Said brown girl is bent over in front of me stretching after a set of sit-ups. Tiny shorts. No panties. I think you know where I am going here.

I've never seen a brown girl's pussy so well, meaning not in real life. Pictures, yes, thanks to the sudden verge of brown people thinking it wise to make money off of spreading their legs. But it was so weird how the pussy is such a dark colored berry. Since the girl is in college, I'm assuming it was smooth. In no way am I saying brown girls have ugly pussies. It's rather cute how the color is so different than a white girl's typical pink that changes into a darker shade when aroused. Why do girls wear such little clothing, bend over in front of me when I'm trying to concentrate on what I am doing with a balls full of poison, and no realize how this sends shock waves all throughout this male's mind? It drives me nuts but makes the next set bench pressed easier. Hey, the brown girl did smile at me 2 times.

I keep wondering when I'll get into that entry on what I'd like to do with my fantasy orgy or threesome.

Other than that rather nice intrusion to my usual gym routine, some of my friends have come back from the new gym and started working out in mine. I missed how great and positive things were. You know how Cheers had that theme where you want to go where everybody knows your name? That's what its like in my gym. Black guys smash against my knuckles. White guys motion for me to come over and talk. Black girls start giggling because I've got a nasty motor mouth. White girls think I'm so goofy but lovable. I missed this and hope it's all back for good.

Richard, my globe smuggling friend, is too busy at work thanks to the students' leaving. Soon.

So, I leaveth with my lake. Last night, I found a snapping turtle before my dog went to attack it. Lucky for her, it was dead. Haven't seen a turtle like that up close in a long time. This was a young one so there was no heavy lifting. The gosslings are getting amazing with their swimming techniques, much different than that learning session I witness the day before Mother's Day. Oh, how I love it when things like that bloom with kindness and beauty. Maybe it is true. Bush's leaving soon will start to bring back happiness so we can investigate these gas companies. Happy twats all around.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Shart For Your Heart

"Do you know what a shart is?"

-My mum

That's what my mother asked me on Mother's Day. I don't know why this question came up but I couldn't say I know what it is. Apparently, I did not know that this is what you call a fart that ends up with a shit stain in your underwear. My mother, the card.

So, how was Mother's Day? I'd say it was awful but that's only because of the weather, terribly rainy all fucking day. The whole sky was dark as fuck while I did my best to stay in some sort of cheer form. Yeah, I know we should celebrate mothers all around but the state of the sky says that it was not to be Sunday.

I got my mum 2 books, both based on dogs. Look, I know for a fact that Jethro's recent death has taken a bit of a toll on Mum. Evenings were spent with the little guy sleeping at her side. The occasional peep out of Jethro meant that somebody took his squeaky toy and better give it back. It's not fun that his last few weeks were where the little guy was just too weak to even walk as cancer crept up his body. You'd see it, too, when you look in his dark eyes. I'm still feeling lucky that I said goodbye that night, right before he died.

There's a bright side to everything. While on a walk that took place on Saturday, a small amount of goslings hatched that week only to be taking swimming lessons that day. I got to see the mother and father take positions to urge the little guys on when in the lake. You had to be there to understand how beautiful the sight was on that day. A part of me wishes both my parents were around when I was little. Instead, my dad was too busy with work and I had to learn sports on my own. Goslings are lucky and I even caught them today when they lay in the shade. My dog, with her bad attitude towards anything small, had them run towards the lake in preparations for an escape.

Found out today that I definitely know black people. My co-worker agrees after I discussed what 'badunkadunks' are. Please, by now, you should know that they are magnificent fat asses on women. Not my thing. I just like the word. When I described one of the girls we work with, her ass, my co-worker ran his hand up against the truck to describe it as flat. What is it with black guys wanting cellulite filled gigantic asses!?! This discovery that women can clap their ass cheeks is going too far. Again, 'badunkadunks' is a funny word.

FYI: No one knows why black people smoke Menthols. Nobody knows.

Work's been going okay. Days can be overwhelming, like today. While management just walks around staring at us, we have to keep things moving. Here's a possibility. If things are in dire need to be speeded up, why not help? What does it take to get managers to earn their paychecks?

So, I'm preparing to leave this Friday for Indiana. No surprise there since there is a small pile of pubes piled up in the bathroom. Haven't done that for the last 2 visits, much to the dismay of Sara having to pull out a few hairs from her mouth on occasion. When I forget to do something, it can run on for a little too long. As for what is going on in Indiana, I have no clue as to whether Sara is looking for a job or even has one. All I know is that painting has become top priority while the roommate is gone (YES!). Would you dump all your dirty dishes and shit all over the kitchen for your roommate to clean up before going to another country? Sara's did. Happy twats all around.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Jethro Died

"It's nothing but discord and rhyme."

-Me

He died late last night. Jethro, at the age of 12, had his life leave him due to cancer that creeped up his body. It all started with daily diarrhea and then on to not being able to eat or drink. Those two months were hard on us all, watching a small dog slowly losing all functions. Lucky for me, I walked into the room, bent down into the playpen where Jethro slept, and gave him a gentle rub on his head before he actually died. The weird thing is that his mate, Ellie Mae, died almost 1-year ago from this date. I'm going to miss Jethro and his need to taunt with toys.

How am I? Not completely myself. While I realize death happens, I try to look at it like this. Jethro gave me 12 years of good times. A month of watching him lose himself to cancer is but a drop in the bucket to all the fun we had in this house. It's just a matter of how you see things and thinking that he's awfully lucky to be buried near Ellie Mae in the backyard.

Funny sign today. I saw a picture of a woman holding up one that said: "She couldn't satisfy him in bed, why do you think she can satisfy us in the White House?"

You know what bugs me? I'm no fan of Hillary but I hate how people think they have a right to opinion on a person's personal life. So what if she stayed with a cheating Bill. Maybe Hillary truly loves him and would rather spend the rest of her life with him. I'm no fan of cheating but that's a personal decision as to whether you stay or go.

How many think that we'd have to deal with another "I did not have sexual relations with *Insert name here*" if Hillary gets elected (I hope not!)? Bill would have too much time on his hands while his warped wife dodges imaginary bullets to make us think she's tough enough to walk into an edgy white suburb of L.A.

Thank you, Sinbad. You dress a little too weird for me but my mom misses your comedy talents.

You ever notice what death does to you? Jethro's death makes me less talkative to people. Gym-time was spent pretty much by myself. One guy did discuss Joan Jett's concert performed here but not much else. Gawd, I had a crush on her like you wouldn't believe because, for me, it's all about the bad girls that can take me up against a brick wall. Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You" and "Black Leather" are great songs for fucking!

FYI: I do like "I Love Rock N Roll" but after seeing Britney Spears perform it in a movie....not so much now.

Oh, go see Iron Man! Very good! Surprisingly better than I thought, seeing as Robert Downey Jr. is one of my favorite actors after seeing him in Less Than Zero, the story of my life in college (I was Clay....). Iron Man is one of the few movies I've ever heard Sara say that she'd like to see it again right after. The movie is pretty much straight forward hero saves the world kind of thing but it's so much fun all while not dumbing things down like other super hero movies. STAY PAST THE CREDITS! To all geeks, there is a hint at what is to come in the sequel to Iron Man and it's Samuel "MuthaFuckin'" Jackson that tells it. Comic book fans will totally get it.

Do you miss me talking about sex? Sometimes, I wonder just how explicit I can get or if that's what people enjoy, hearing how guys see things. How do I like my cock sucked? Why is it such a turn-on to watch my cum splatter on tits? With the way things have been this past week, I've just not been myself. The cold weather coming on fast, Jethro's death, Sara's loss of a job, and my wondering if allergy issues should be a reason for suicide all make me lose interest in what a girl should have, being fucked. Sara laughs when I tell her that she should be fucked right away and wishes I'd abuse her pussy more. Summer's coming...........

So, I bid you an adieu as we're about to get hit by storms. Loved the cool air but grow tired of my allergy issues (rain causes mold spores to rise up). No humor to leave you with. I just miss Jethro plain and simple. Happy twats all around.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Just Kill Me Now

"There is one place you can absolutely hit me to the point that I will actually show you some hidden emotions."

-Me

My dog is about to die. It's that fucking simple that Jethro is under cancer's most evil doings. For the past 2 months, my parents and I have watched him wither away. It's these 2 weeks that have been the worst of all. Jethro has lost a lot of his hair and you'll see large nasty looking spots that have caused his skin to peel away with reddish results. My mother does not want to put him down but to allow his death to happen here. Then, he'll be buried next to his mate, Ellie Mae, who died last year around May as well.

I hate this world. For 12 years, I got to wake up to noisy barking and constant bogarting of squeaky toys. Now, I have to watch a little dog that can no longer stand up while covered in a blanket. Jethro can no longer eat or drink so he just lays there staring at you. It's the most horrible feeling in the world to know, your dog is about to die and you cannot do a thing about it.

Yeah, I'm crying as I type this. Take that you evil pain-in-the-asses that read this blog without a care in the world. I hate you, too. I hate how you constantly come here making me feel as if I am some sort of entertainment for your day at work. I hate you so much as I tell you truthful things that absorb my world.

If there is a doggie heaven or whatever for the little critters that did well here, Jethro's going there sometime this week.

It's such a pisser, these days. There is no reason to trust the government as Bush's cronies enjoy making money off of oil investments. What? You really think an oil guy cares about how bad gas prices are? You're probably as stupid as believing McCain has something good to offer this country. My own body feels like it's 90-something-years-old after work's toll has had its way with me. The allergy issues have me sneezing and coughing all fucking day. Barbara Walters is treated as a newswoman? Miley Cyrus sees her topless picture as something bad? We've got a large amount of mothers that take their 8-year-old daughters in for bikini waxes!!! Since when has a 15-year-old singer not shown some skin?

So, fuck you. I'm going to take my Beowulf DVD out and place something else in. Learned something new thanks to that flick. Sometimes, a good fight is best played out totally naked. Why not? I'd be totally stunned if an angry drunken Sara came at me. Do I take her titties and do the motor boat or hold her down til she calms the fuck down? Happy twats all around.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Stare With Me

"On days like these, it's best to find the time to sit there in a chair and do absolutely nothing while staring at the ceiling with a good fuzzy dog that rolled in something stinky earlier on a walk."

-Me

So, I sat there. You know those days. They come when you've been told by management that you need to go faster or you let employees' teasing get to you. Sometimes, I just feel so tired and wonder if I'm able to keep up with my co-workers. Pretty much all of them are younger than me. I was only blessed with being able to stay looking young while my insides are falling apart.

Want to know how wrecked a body can get? I have a girlfriend that took off all my clothes on Saturday night in hopes for sex. The only problem was me being half-asleep. While there was enjoyment of my most sensitive parts being licked and sucked on, there was no gas in the system to operate a damn thing. It's funny how I'm a guy that can get an enormous amount of sex from his girlfriend but has allowed himself to succumb to the evils of his body falling apart. Waving a penis at a girl can excite her. Having the energy to keep this up is a whole other story.

Yes, I am fully back from Indiana. It was nice to play house because it made me realize more and more that Sara and I are a couple. Sure, we're still a lil' on the kinky side since she still wants a threesome. I, on the other hand, know that being together roles take place. Sara's in the kitchen while I have to do the heavy lifting or taking trash out.

Here's where I found myself. Sara made impressive meals, an omellete with a whole can of mushrooms and things with pasta for breakfast or dinner. We ate out most of the time but I still noticed. On preparing for the owners coming home, we cleaned various areas. Sara had the kitchen and bathroom while I walked the dog and dealt with the trash. It was weird how we just went off on the roles that called to us. I know nothing on cooking but I can sure as hell attempt to fix a dryer's broken dial or an overfloweth trash can.

You may wonder why things weren't quite as exciting as anticipated. Well, try having a dog that insists on you taking it out at 6am after going to bed near 2am. Then, somehow, you must get up to take it for it's timely walk at around 8am or your shoulder will find some discomfort from it sitting there. Bone Humper has his schedule and it must be stuck to or else! He has, after all, found the ability to pass out on the couch with us well past his bedtime. You'd find it funny, too, when seeing a little dog trying his best to get us to go to bed in the bedroom instead of watching Battlestar Galactica.

Life has been a little weary lately. Sara, as I said before, lost her job. Her creativity in painting has gone way up for some reason. My guess is that all that frustration with work got to her. Another thing is that my own dog has developed cancer. Much of little Jethro's body has lost hair and various problems with his skin have it looking awful. He'll have to be put down soon and I hate knowing this. A Yorkshire Terrier without hair looks pretty bad.

So, as you can see, I'm not completely on the talkative side. While good things have happened and, yes, Sara and I did have 'the sex,' it feels like the world is crumbling down. Man, do we need Obama. The U.S. needs Obama real bad, motherfucker! Happy twats all around.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Pink Slpped

"Things are tough all over."

-Cheech And Chong

This is going to be short but remember I did post a longer entry earlier. You'll find out what it's like to hang out with a dog that enjoys getting sexual satisfaction from toys.

Sara lost her job. This worries me even though her creativity level has gone sky high. Paintings are being done easily. Now, I have to await word on just how bad things are. The bastards gave her the pink slip when Sara was at work. So, I'll be back eventually, people. Happy twats all around.