Bogart Da Oreos

"Armed robbery, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo........what the hell's gotten into you, Frank?"

-The Naked Gun

Happy! Happy! Joy, joy! It's nice hearing that Obama won the South Carolina primary. Take that, you snotty old blond bitch! I think after years and years of being led by the older generation without a clue as to how the average joe lives, it would be nice to have a much younger guy like Obama heading things. Who cares if he did cocaine. Haven't we all dabbled a little in various things?

Nothing much for me this weekend. I've been dreading the much needed event of tackling my closet again. Too much stuff? How does every issue of Playboy from '79 til the latest issue sound to you? That's a lot of fucking issues to deal with that will one day be sold to another fellow collector. You don't know how much stuff you have when you put things away for years only to deal with it much, much later. Like I said before, Sara will be found laying on the floor looking at everything accumulated by yours truly.

To give you an idea as to how all over the place I am, I'll do it creatively in a way you'll understand.

The time: Early 80's.

The scene: Wal-Mart (before it went evil)

The event: Young boy goes to his grandparents' house and sees the town's first Wal-Mart. After seeing a few commercials for a new Hasbro toyline, he luckily finds the GIJoes there. They're poseable action figures that demonstrate a love of fighting for freedom when a ruthless dictator, Cobra Commander, tries to take over the world. The young boy's first GIJoe is a character named 'Grunt,' a simple looking soldier with a small helmet and M-16 rifle.

The time: January 2007

The scene: Wal-Mart

The event: Young boy is now a fully sexualized male found to dominate his way into various scenarios. After hearing about various ads in comics, he wants those 25th anniversary GIJoe figures he grew up with. Oh, what joy! There's Cobra Commander, Destro, and Crimson Guard! Must have to remember those good times in the 80's.

How lame have I become? Instead of my mom smiling as I run into the toy section, Sara replaces her by laughing instead. I don't know what it is about remembering my childhood but it's never done me wrong. At 34 figurines of my favorite action figure, Storm Shadow, I'm on the way to being a major weirdo that you'd assume would be a virgin like in that movie, The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Nope. I hit a lot of ass all while keeping my loserdom on the down low. It is nice to have a girlfriend willing to hold my hand as I start spazzing out about how cool it is to own the toys I once had as a child. I cannot imagine myself going through that in a parallel universe because girls always had cooties back then.

If you told girls they had cooties, they'd steal your Oreos. Ya know how cigarettes are almost like money in prison? Well, Oreos were considered gold when you had nuns for teachers. Bribery worked in the religious sect.

Editor's note: I do not condone shopping at Wal-Mart. In fact, I do as much as I can away from it when it comes to groceries or any type of errand. The place reeks of evil corporation gone mad. Stop supporting underage slave labor. Don't tell me you believe that $7 t-shirt that says "I Love the U.S.A." is made here. Ya know what? I've got some swamp land to sell ya.

So, I hope everyone out there is having a great weekend. Some of you might be passed out on the floor in your own vomit. Then again, it might not be your vomit but the cat's barfed up hairball. Others might be having sex. Said sex could be with the inflatable kind or shower massagers. Long showers are good for what ails you. Happy twats all around.