Bone Humper

"If you hump it, you have to sleep with it."

-Me (explaining the rules for little dogs that enjoy fucking their squeaky toys)

Sara thought that was funny. The little dog we are taking care of takes his squeaky toy, a bone, behind the couch and fucks the hell out of it. Total privacy. He doesn't do this out in the open so it's funny to me. What the little dog will do next is take it up to the top of the couch and sleep on it.

So, you can tell right away I've allowed another small dog to bond with me. That's pretty much all Sara and I have done this week, take care of a little dog and throw a small party for our friends. You know you're growing up when the guests bring wine instead of a large amount of porn or video games. I still vote for video games as long as they are along the lines of Super Mario Kart, which came out on the Nintendo Wii. Total. Fucking. Fun.

Taking care of someone else's pet is interesting. You'll begin to pick up on its habits and little freakish qualities. This little dog, Bone Humper, has become my little buddy. After many walks, enjoying TV on the large couch, imitating growls as I play tug on his chew toys, and treats, we can say that he and I have bonded. There was a small amount of apprehension at first but that left very fast. What was once a sleep at my feet has become curl up at my side as a good description of how things have gotten.

Not everything went right. When Sara and I first arrived, the key given to us didn't work. This freaked me out. The owners were gone on a cruise while we cannot get into the house for many hours. A call was made that finally got through. Why couldn't they have given us the garage door code!?! Things would have been so much smoother, dammit! It's now at a point where Sara has the garage door opener and I have the code memorized. Though shalt always check to see if the spare key made actually works.

Bone Humper is most likely taking naps on my hoodie I left behind for him. I noticed that while I was watching TV, he's curl up on it. Yeah, DKNY does make some nice grey hoodies so the little guy gets points for nice taste. What cracks me up is how he takes the time to wake Sara and I up with squeaky toys. If the two of us aren't up on time, he'll take off to his toy box and bring something to wake us up with. Bone Humper enjoys his walks and he shall get them.

So, basically, I am in a large house where I love the bathroom. His and her sinks! Definitely a nice thing where Sara and I can be separate while we brush our teeth and talk. The hot tub is a nice jacuzzi to relax in but not quite enough room for both Sara and I. We tried but I have to place my feet on the sides and pretend I'm a nice gal looking for a good time in the GYNO's office. It's only on my side that one gets to enjoy the jets hitting various parts of my body. I'm sure a girl would rather be there since there is nothing romantic to seeing a man's balls fly all over the place while bubbles form all around.

By the way, there are no quick solutions to this gas price problem. Yes, they are high but I hate to see people gullible to Hillary Clinton and McCain's ridding of the gas tax.

Saturday night found me surrounded by a lot of lesbians as they sent a friend off to New York with a surprise party. A pity Sara and I had to leave early. The dog comes first, especially since it was that evening that we were able to get in the house. There was beer, mini hot dogs, chips, salsa, and various things. One girl had a slit up her jeans and didn't care if anyone saw her pink panties. You go, girl. It's only here that various girls' eyes will travel towards that particular spot after listening to a discussion on vagina dental issues, that theory that women have teeth in their pussies.

Note: See the movie, Teeth, for info on this. I've heard it's quite good and it comes out on DVD soon.

So, I really need to stop here. A part of me wants to watch a DVD after this long day where a surge shut down the company's computers. I've never been paid for doing nothing for 1 hour so that was interesting. A lot of people get paid to do nothing so why can't I enjoy the experience our government seems to enjoy so much? Sara hates the fact that she has to sleep alone with Bone Humper so I am expected to get my ass back there on Friday. More on that later. Happy twats all around.

No Drool But My Own

"So."

-Dick Cheney's response to a poll that found 2/3 of Americans want us out of Iraq

Don't you love those that are supposed to serve and protect our interests? It's really all about making themselves richer or their buddies much better off. Dick Cheney and all those around him have made so much money from this war in Iraq that I keep wondering what the whole thing was about. Surely, it wasn't about Saddam. It sure as hell can't be about the Iraqi people because most are still without food, water, and electricity after years of being taken over by our troops. How can someone sit there in an interview and say, "So?"

Well, not much to report in the sweat zone. We're still drippin' like an overheated behind the scenes porn marathon that's gotten out of hand. All t-shirts must be peeled off thanks to an air conditioning problem that has yet to be corrected. Dogs sleep on their backs with bellies facing the sky dreaming of ice cream and fancy butts to sniff.

As you know, Sara and I will be doggy sitting for a couple leaving on a cruise for a whole week. It's mostly about the little dog, a Yorkie just like mine. For me, it weirds me out to have someone overtake your house. Embarrassing fridge contents? Horrifying reading material? Well, if you say Cheetos and the bible, things like that should be put away. No child or adult should be harbored with such violent orange material.

When I asked Sara where the two of us were sleeping, she told me it would be the couple's bed. Not completely keen with sleeping on someone else's bed. Hated that in college where someone's friend was found curled up in my bed. People have skin peelings that come off. We drool. My pillow should be a certain way. Girls fart in their sleep so I have to be able to block that dark cloud with a fast movement of something that will block the smell while I giggle.

Of course, this means I have my own pillow. While I'm not happy with sleeping in another couple's bed, I guess it's all for the little dog. He has a special blankie and squeaky toys to accompany him. Whatever gets you through the night. I don't even know if I will be up for sex all due to 2 little dark eyes wondering why I am throwing a smaller person around. Large dogs understand such behaviors. Little ones think that it might mean some sort of person has been very naughty by doing something stinky on the rug.

Ever had a small dog? There's a ramp for the little guy to join us on the bed. We have a few here for ours, all 4 of them. The central bed is his playground, complete with blankie and toys as I said. How am I going to actually sleep? I used to take naps with mine long ago until they got too noisy. This little dog is pretty protective and ready for all cars and walkers.

Oh, but there is a nice bathtub! Finally, I can lay in a mass of hot water like the pathetic heathen I claim to be! I am boy. Let me soak. While showers are fun, I'm more along the lines of a bath type of person. You would understand after all the soreness I get from the gym. Hot water. Get in. Lay with arms out on the sides. Relax. There's no doubt that Sara's going to try and join me because we hate bathing alone. The best conversations happen when we clean each other's naughty parts. How boring are you to not have your mate wash you?

Plus, we're going to an Obama fundraiser. Take that, all you Hillary supporters! I've been reading about the types of people that vote for certain people. A large amount of Mexicans voted for Bush. Britney Spears said we should support him, too. Guess what? A lot of Mexicans are for Hillary. It's been noted that they're kind of slow, like how McCain's supporters are just laying it on thick that a Republican with the same ideals as Bush should be back in the White House. The dim-witted Catholics were out in force for Hillary as well. Did they ever stop to think that the pope should have actually done something about the sex abuse?

We had a major politician come here to give a speech for a class. He supports Obama just like a lot of the others that I would deem quite smart. I guess it's just those of us that take into account the politician's actions rather than listening to lies. When a reporter asked Obama a question about Iran, he told him that he'd like to finish his breakfast. Hillary would have gone off on how there was a possible sniper that would steal her waffle.

So, I'm outta here as I test the waters of living with a female for 4 straight days. No roommate so I get to walk down the hall with morning wood needing to be relieved of its misery! It's like it just leads me to where it needs to go and I follow. I'm sleeping on my pillow. No older person drool to sicken me. Just my own. After karaoke, there will be peace and quiet with a hot bath. I know I'm asking for a lot because with women there will be no peace. Happy twats all around.

Like Metal

"You live in a big house!?! Wow, I've hardly ever come across a black man that lived large, especially these days."

-Me (to my new co-worker)

I'll explain. As soon as I make my way down to work, my boss comes up to me to tell me to talk to a guy standing to my left. At first, I thought it no big deal because I was on another sort of mission, to get another pair of gloves. I come back and learn that I am to use my sign language skills to talk to a deaf black guy. Let me tell ya, there is nothing like throwing in ridiculous humor to get a conversation going. My new co-worker had a few good laughs to prepare himself for the horrors of doing actual work.

So be it. Make fun of rappers or throw in a little ridiculous humor, do an Eddie Murphy impression (It's hot.....in the hot tub!) and you, a pathetic large white boy, will have a black man for life.

While our most important issue is the fact that the air conditioner fucked up today, I'd rather dwell on something else. Armpit hair. While it's required for women to shave theirs off and, yes, it is icky to see a girl with a small furry animal make its home in there, I share in this. I've been bare there for years since it's something accepted by weight-lifters. It just is. The hardcore elite pretty much keep their bodies hair-free, even legs. While I've had smooth 'pits for years, I keep my legs hairy and a small amount of pubes. A completely bare weiner is odd, no?

Not sure if I'll go back to some hair in my 'pits. It's completely alien to me, seriously. Anything to take my mind off the obscene heat in this large house thanks to a fucked up air conditioner.

Japan has invented a $6,000 toilet. Hooray for the land of pervs! While they've kept America guessing as to whether they do have machines that will dispense worn panties (they totally do), now comes something that we all need. This super dooper toilet warms itself every 24 hours. Who doesn't enjoy a warm bowl? It's got some sort of computer mechanism that measures how much water is needed to flush away your turds. Like whoa! Something smarter that you just so happen to be nearly passed out on after a trip to Taco Bell! Hate skid marks? A perfectly aimed squirt of warm water will hit your asshole. How many enjoy the feeling of something warm there?

Oh, I do!

I got a kick out of reading about this $6,000 toilet. The person testing it said that it is totally worth it. No skid marks, a warm bottom, music to keep anyone from listening to your splashes, and cuts down on excessive water so we help the environment all while keeping the embarrassing sounds from scaring the neighbor in the next stall. That all reminds me of a time spent in Barnes where I went into the restroom to piss. There was a guy showing his turd who's boss all while his feet were shaking so hard. I walked out laughing because it his feet spent very little time on the floor.

We all need a little bathroom humor thanks to Pennsylvania's buying into Hillary's lies. I'm tired of these primaries and wish the excessive money was spent on more important things. Did you know there is a food shortage in 3rd world countries?

Every time I see a news center's segment on poor countries, I always find myself asking, "Why do you have so many fucking kids if you are that poor!?!" I, seriously, don't get how stupid these people are. It's like the stupid breed so easily that it's no wonder Bush has people that still like him as a president. If disposable income were less than $100 in a month, why have another child? Even people here in the U.S. seem to find this insane need to create just because sex is, like, fun.

Can't shop at Prada? Might as well fuck, huh?

It's funny when I put my sign language skills to use. People constantly stare as our fingers/hands/arms fly all over the place. Facial expressions are to show how intense things are or how funny it gets. Well, it is rude in the deaf community. How would you like it if people listened in on what you are saying? Yeah, I can cheat because I know what people are saying as long as they are going at a good rate of speed for me. I'm kind of slow. Still, don't stare but you can tap a deaf person on the shoulder to ask them to talk to you.

My right thumb is close to being broken. A box bounced up and sent it flying back. Long story but the thumb is still usable for now.

You already know the rest by heart. Another walk in the park, met a little dog, and 5-Pound Phooey gets her badass on. This time, it was a smaller version of her, a Yorkie puppy. Cute, too. The little girl looked beyond the badass interior and tried to play with 5-Pound Phooey. Since it's getting hot, I might be going topless soon. I hate how drenched my t-shirts get when I get home. Sara says I smell 'like metal.'

So I leaveth you here. I've still yet to pack for the 4 day weekend that I have been granted. Yes, they let me have the time off today. Whoo! 2 days of catching up in the gym without feeling soreness from work is a dream for me. Karaokeing Duran Duran, George Michael, or Wang Chung. Hopefully, it's a topless set but, then again, Sara's crew are pretty shy. I'd drive a million miles, to be with you tonight. Happy twats all around.

I'm Lost And I'm Found

"And here be Ultrarooster, buried next to the local whorehouse, for he loved women."

-A man reading of the list of the dead

Well, if it's any indication on women, I learned my little 5-Pound Phooey has a jealous bone in her body. On this evening's walk, a small dog put her paws up on my thigh when I bent down to pet her. My dog just wasn't having it. 5-Pound Phooey lets out all sorts of doggy obscenities about how I am hers. Yes, it was a weird form of drama in the 4-legged variety.

Pennsylvania, you may be a very pretty state. However, I have no idea why you allowed Hillary to remain in the primaries. Boo. Obama is a different kind of politician. What? You'd rather be lied to or told that because you are a woman you should vote for a woman? Hillary will answer that 3AM call? Even one of the most critical of government, Bill Maher, shows some interest in Obama. So gullible to buy into Hillary's schemes. Beautiful state full of idiots that just might have fallen into this stupid 'bitter-gate' trap where Obama cleverly stated how so many Americans cling to religion and guns instead of wits during these terrible times.

Catholics suck, too.

Why do women find it so easy to bend over right in front of me when I work out? Little red shorts. Very obviously within them are teeny tiny panties imprinted in panty lines. I'm doing my best to finish my bicep workout yet you want to flash me the outline of your little strawberry between your legs. Damn you! Do you not realize how much poison my balls hold!?!

Oh, dare I ask? Why is it that the pope apologizes for the molestation cases yet still doesn't do anything about the removal of these power abusing clergies? Just curious.

A lot of dogs out there tonight. Lucky for me, I got off work early. Must be my look of frustration where my boss knows I'm not one to fuck with. I'm a firm believer that I do the work. Great. You've gotten a lot out of me but there are times I need some relief as well. Remember when I got sent home early? I abided. Now, it's my turn to relax a little after carrying 100's of large carpets, etc.

Plus, you just do not fuck with a guy that has arms 3 times the size of.......oh, never mind.

I haven't packed yet for Indiana. It's just too bloody hot right now and I'm sick of all the sweat I've leaked out of me. That sounds gross, no? It's 4 days where I'm to play house and you've gotta remember that it's been a while since I've spent more than 2 days in a row with Sara. Will we survive? Will we end up having sex? Will the dog wish for us to be gone?

But we've got karaoke to save us! The couple we're babysitting their dog for has a cable service that provides this. I'm so calling Duran Duran because their songs have been playing in my head all week. "Hungry Like the Wolf" and "Rio" are totally worth it depending on how much beer I've had. If I have to do it alone, by golly, I'll stand there and sing my heart out about searching the jungles while a little dog stares at me in confusion. If I look as I sound, it'll be said dog hiding behind the couch until my awful howls stop.

Some people do it totally rock star. Somebody put up a video of themselves doing a masterful Guitar Hero where he's receiving a blowjob as he does his thing.

Then again, there is something to be said about frat parties gone wrong when the most laziest of guys has various women place his penis inside the girl wanting to be fucked. Is it odd to have your buddies cheer you on as your bare ugly ass is pumping away? I've got him beat, though because I like it when Sara playfully holds my cock as I pee.

So, figure this entry out as you wish. I'm tired, bored, and wanting to watch Duran Duran videos when I get the chance. When I watched them on closed captioning, all I could wonder was whether I was drunk as a child. Those lyrics are not exactly the way I heard them back then. I'm on the hunt I'm after you. Girls on film! Girls on film! Happy twats all around.

Sweatin' Like A Mexican

"There is nothing more comforting on a bad day than hearing your mother say that she made cake."

-Me

First of all, I would like to state that I do like my job. While I don't love it, I've found that after almost 7 months it has a lot more pros than cons. Time goes by so fast. There is rarely a set of moments where I find myself looking at the clock. You're just too fucking busy. Many of the people I work with are quite professional. Some may have that worker drone syndrome where they will tell you that they love it there but you know better. It is nice to find people that get the job done when you need help instead of just playing around with a bag of Cheetos. Seriously, there is one guy that likes to take Cheeto breaks when he shouldn't, seeing as many of us don't even take an actual break. Bosses change every 3 to 5 months so I get a new face to memorize. It can be a little annoying but some have better qualities in areas you found the other lacking in, for instance.

Now, my problem. I asked my current boss about the two days I requested off for next week. All I got was that he never received the paper. I know better. It was placed under the clip board clear as day within the amount of time, 2 weeks prior to asking. I don't know if this is a lie, seeing as we need people desperately. I've mentioned before that we have the girls working with us. Now that is just odd, seeing the opposite sex being ordered to heave around things weighing 30-100 pounds.

Fuck 'em. I'm taking the days off that I requested by calling in sick. I came to work when I had the flu and that nasty cold that caused me my temperature to rise during all that lifting. Yes, there was 1 day I took off thanks to the flu being far too unbearable to even touch things. The soreness all around my skin hurt like hell. A part of me is kind of angry with this corporation. Not only is it being sued for back taxes in how it labeled certain employees as 'contractors' in order to avoid paying medical/dental but we handle thousands of dollars worth of things all while working a measly wage. I don't even care about the money but there are too many moments where I've felt screwed over so it's time I screwed 'em back. They need workers so bad but I want a few things:

1). I need to recover. My body is worn the fuck down so much that I need more sleep these days thanks to the heat.

2). The managers, many times, don't do jack shit. All they are required to do is watch over us worker bees as we lift/push/pull objects weighing mucho amount of weight. You want things done faster? Get in there and help, assholes. Just love it when one stands there to watch.

3). The wrong people have been rewarded. Many times, I feel like I am overlooked a lot. There was one guy recognized even after I've not seen him do much. There is no interest, for me, in glory but it would be nice if my lifting over 50 carpets was a good thing.

So, there you have it. I'm staying in Indiana til Wednesday morning at a house where a small dog needs looking after. Sara cannot be there on Tuesday because she has bowling that night. No one can take the little guy outside, etc. Just me. I'm totally fine with it, too, because I want to see how my allergies react to not being around cats as much as I'm forced to on each visit. Love cats but hate the sneezing and achy feeling. Sara hates it that my sex drive leaves me when things get like this.

And, yes, there are times I think about quitting this job. We'll see. With more workers, things would be much better. A crew of 20-something would be the greatest!

So, I'm in the mood for more cake after losing 6 pounds. Never thought that much weight could mean such a difference but my abs are..................to drool for these past few days. Sara's noticed things, too, as the heat has made itself known. More later. Cake calls and I am to answer. Happy twats all around.

Only An Idiot Would Be Follow

"I hate it when I become a boy in need of retail therapy."

-Me

You know what? Sometimes, I sit here and write with a purpose. Other times, and it's become quite often, I wonder why I feel this need to let things out. Do I sit and decide on a topic? Is it a small amount of aggression? Sometimes, I just wish someone would tell me I'm okay.

Oh, I did get quite a laugh out of Bill Maher asking a foreign woman what she thinks about America. I've gotta say I agree in how this place is full of idiots more interested in what a person orders in a diner, seeing as that will make him/her electable to the White House. If Obama wants juice instead of coffee, that's his thing.

I'm certainly not proud of America. Somehow, it elected a retard to be in charge for the past 8 years. People vote for candidates over the weirdest things. Can he bowl? Is he black enough? Does he have a jump shot? Would this person have a drink with me? Why is it not about the need for change? We all know I'm for Obama and it's on two central things that matter to me:

1). I don't want more of people getting nice cushion seats thanks to buying their way in. It's well-known that the Clintons let money talk. Maybe not as much as Bush and his cronies making massive profits off the war in Iraq. It's more along the lines of how Hillary getting campaign money from large corporations that are screwing us into the ground. Have you seen the number of billionaires these days? There are the rich and then there are the RICH that want to put all the expenses on us. Obviously, Obama has to get money somewhere because he's nowhere near enough to pay his way throughout all this. Thank you, Hollywood, for seeing the greatness in Obama. We miss having a leader that can actually lead.

2). Kids should not be taught to take a test but to learn. This has become a major problem in schools where everyone there seems to forget why school is even there in the first place. The Leave No Child Left Behind Act is all based on a fucking test that has no business being there. Did you get up to stand there at the bus stop in hopes of passing a test? It's possible for once a week just to see if you learned what the teacher said but for your whole year? First through 5th Grade found me loving pop quizzes because I was so good in school. This shit is now so complicated that my mother, a former teacher, would be best to explain this. Remember, my time spent in private Catholic school was all in hopes that I wouldn't have to kiss a nun or getting the giggles when one had to say, "And then the male places his penis in the vagina." But how is that possible? It's just a large mass of hair, lady.

I've tried to avoid talking about the pope's visit but I just cannot fathom why people behave like sheep towards his guy or even religion. To each their own, right? Well, how can 65,000 people line up for mass led by a guy that told the churches to keep quiet on the sex abuse scandals going on? That's right. The pope is quite an asshole in his little red shoes. Oh, go on and tell me how he denounced all this but go back, go back to how he was caught trying to sweep child molestation under the rug.

Sex abuse is not funny. Period. I've had an ex-girlfriend that was raped. She was so fucked up in the head in not trusting guys. So, why is it that there are people that can see how giving so much power to a guy that wears a strange hat is wrong but the sheep cannot think for themselves on this true charge? Giving someone this kind of power only allows a large amount of corruption. But for what? Religion is just a crutch for the feeble minded that need some sort of reason for living. Blessing Ground Zero? That's like how Bush talked about praying for the Iraqis instead of learning that there are 2 factions at war with each other, the Shiites and the Sunnis. If he had done what he should have done, Bush could have realized that a Civil War would erupt.

Well, I guess you can say I'm not proud of America. Tis true. When I was in that nice new restaurant with Sara, I wondered why, other than how nice it is, I fell in love instantly. The people did not appear to be morons, unlike 90% of those in Wal-Mart. No screaming kids running up and down the aisles. People weren't preoccupied with with their cell phones. The waiter gave me the feeling he actually knew something. People were dressed nice instead of looking like they spent nights scratching the latest STD off their crotches. America is filled with jackasses that have no true thinking in how having 6 kids can zap their wealth all while telling the TV cameras that he had no idea putting a small child in the microwave could harm it. Some people are just poor for a reason, they need to be placed in a shack where they can do no harm to others.

I'm outta here after another fun-filled day inspired to do a small amount of Spring cleaning, a walk in the park where my little 5-Pound Phooey asserted her dominance towards those 10 pounds heavier, and wondering if I'm going to survive taking care of a small dog with Sara starting Friday night. This is a real test at playing house. Happy twats all around.

Nights In Tuneful Satin

"Humidity is measured by how hard it is to peel your underwear off your butt. Or how bad your asshole itches during a walk in the park. It's all relative, really."

-Me

Nothing like a large fat man telling me he is going to get laid. As I was walking to the locker room to change before I left, Richard comes up to me to announce that he's got a definite shot at sex tonight. He's sweaty. He's smelly. But goddamn, Richard is off to get laid after a long drought where celibacy sucks major ass. He was so happy he walked around the locker room with nothing on and announced he lost 2 pounds. You know a man's happy when he neglects to forget his usual routine of covering his hairy ass and balls.

To be truthful, I am very happy for Richard. He's been in a bit of a downfall after his divorce. Various aerobics classes to help him keep up some sort of fitness show me he's trying, trying to get rid of at least some of that very obvious belly. Plus, I love it that he might be having sex because I hate how there are people not enjoying the only activity we adults have left since the playground is off limits. Just how sad is it when all I wanna do is teeter-totter?

Warm nights remind me of something many summers ago. When we first moved into this house, just about everything was boxed up. The storage room held a few things that kept my mind off of boredom, a time where a new neighborhood brings too much strangeness. Like LL Cool J would say, I couldn't live without my radio on nights like this. A 2-cassette player and constant playing of whatever the Top 5 At Nine was and we were in business. A few large boxes around me as I sat on the bed to listen in on Joan Jett til I was too sleepy. I miss how easy things seemed back then.

Warm breezes lightly touching my window also bring back those memories of laying on the bed with my radio. Not sure if I wore pajamas or old clothes to sleep in. Even my steel-trap memory gets fuzzy on such trivial things.

How long til the dog starts looking like the owner? 5-Pound Phooey kind of looks like me these days. Her hair is all matted and mangled because she won't let us touch her with the comb. After a long time, this adds up majorly so we're gonna have to shave her. My own hair is longer on top thanks to growing out my old Tyler Durden spiked hair. Seen Fight Club? That's where that character is from and, yes, it's the Brad Pitt one that is a bit insane. Loved that hairstyle but I grew up and have to start looking like my dog.

The count for now:

Chewed out 1 beagle, chased a basset hound, terrorized a mutt after it chased geese in the lake, told off a schnauzer, and nearly got a squirrel due to its confusion as to which way to go. All in a day's work for 5-Pound Phooey.

To end this, I do love knowing that people are having sex. It's not only the fact that the act relaxes you but it makes the person feel much better about him/herself. Yes, getting laid makes me wish others were spending evenings or mornings getting pounded from behind. The funny thing is that I think sex is losing its power thanks to the excess of porn and how people are finding it hard to talk to people after spending so much time on the computer or video games. We've lost our humanity!

So, I leaveth you here as I take in this nice night's light wind. The weekend's a horrible one as rain is on its way for both days. Ever smelled wet dog? How about the number of leaves I have to peel off her butt that somehow just attach themselves to her? And the answer as to what Rick Astley would do? He'd never give you up because he's been waiting for so long. I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling, try to make you understand. Happy twats all around.

Just A Tad Bit Wired

Why? Because you care to know........

1). I've stopped sneezing so much. From now on the title of 'Booger Boy' will be retired as I no longer have to travel with a kleenex box.

2). How bad is work? 2 girls that normally work in a different area (easier) had to come out and help us. I felt sorry for them. We have a tiny horny Mexican guy that won't shut the fuck up about who he'd like to fuck as he stares at their asses.

3). Oh, I'm sore but you already know that.

4). Why is it important to stop the Olympic torch? It does nothing! It's just this thing that goes around the world and stands for something more than China. Boycotting the Olympics? How about we take a look at ourselves and the human rights abuses we inflict. Bush and his cronies are well-known for shit that is almost as bad as China. We used to be number 1 in pollution only to be beaten out by China just recently. Our greedy CEOs are more interested in their golden parachutes than making things fair. Bailing out Bear Sterns was a stupid move along with giving loans on houses no person can afford.

5). Chicago had a 122 pound cougar walk through a residential area. At first, I thought, "Man, how is it such a big deal that an older woman is walking around looking for a nice young man to fuck?" A cop killed it eventually and maybe, just maybe Sara will believe me when I told her about a large cat I saw walking in a prairie area as I drove to see her.

6). Hillary Clinton still sucks. If you're too tired to understand how loopy you are about a false statement on snipers, I don't think you can answer the phone at 3am. Shut the fuck up and let's all get erotic with Obama!

7). I military-pressed 307.5 pounds today after work. Somebody stop me because this is dangerous territory for a 200 pound white boy. Plus, I've got 'bird legs' so I look funny naked when you compare the size of my shoulders to the lower area. Call me 'Tweety' instead of 'Booger Boy.'

8). My manager just might be the first one to playfully pound my shoulders with his own as if we were playing a game of touch football. He's taller than me. My manger also bounced off of me as I continued to talk like nothing was going on.

9). My friend with the globe smuggled in his shirt, Richard, has taken up aerobics. I'm proud of him, the first male I am happy to see jiggle his fat with ladies half his size. Richard is my Person Of the Week.

10). I find it hilarious that a religious girl has a crush on me. It's kind of like that picture of Obama checking out Hillary's ass. Certain things just aint gonna happen no matter how many times you smile so beautifully. Lovely eyes on her, though.

11). I've been worried about Sara and her job. If bad things do happen, I know I'll have to help out. I was born ready, motherfucker.

12). A girl stared at my AC/DC t-shirt I mentioned yesterday. I think she thought the cannon shown on the chest area was a penis. Bad girl. Go to my room.

13). Thank fuck this week is almost over. I could do with some serenity and more quiet than I can normally handle. My dog, on the other hand, continues to snooze at the corner of my bed and fart a lot. The sound is almost like a vibrator as it goes off.

14). There's a video collection of the most disgusting things ever. Of course, I love it. When you're bored with the usual monkey sticking his finger in his butt and then fainting while sniffing it, you can find a horny elephant trying to fuck his female trainer, a beautiful girl pulling down her track pants to pee in McDonald's and then placing her tampon in the puddle, sex with amputees, and a lady that literally gets the shit fucked out of her. That last one was something I never thought possible but makes me weary about pounding Sara like that. Wow. And I thought that Kristan's dog staring at us during sex was weird. So naive am I.

15). My co-workers spend time comparing biceps. None of them invite me to play in their reindeer games so it's nice to sit there without all the shouting of, "No, mine's bigger!" when girls walk by.

So, that's it, my day and thoughts. It's nothing special when there's this large amount of testosterone that drives me nuts. Males compare the sizes of various things that are attached to them. I try to stay out of that because it'll end up being about balls. No one beats me when it comes to the power of these testicles of magnitude. Happy twats all around.

Jeb, You Holding?

"For those about to rock...."

-My AC/DC t-shirt being worn now

I'm definitely in love with my AC/DC shirt that resembles something you'd find in the 70's. It's not just the style but how I enjoyed it when those boys ripped up the stage with some major guitar usage. Angus Young in the schoolboy outfit? Beautiful when combined with that move where he continued playing. You know it by heart if you love rock. Dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Come on!

I'm dogdamnit tired. Nothing new there where I spend 5 days a week in what would make me think I work out 5 hours a day. Runs the bones ragged. Gives me a very fast metabolism where nothing sticks. Body built like a racehorse yet somehow, somehow I find myself feeling like I'm as old as dirt. Or possibly as old as the pile of dog shit that somehow lived through the storm on your front lawn.

In less than 2 weeks, I have to take care of Sara's friend's dog, a small Yorkie. Looking forward to it even if the owner makes it seem like the dog needs more than the usual walk/eat/sleep/shit kind of thing. Sara's nervous about taking care of the dog while I know all this by heart. Having 4 Yorkshire Terriers is easy when you tell 'em who's boss. Mine needs a walk and some Scooby Doo to get her calmed down.

Been wondering just how I am going to get those 2 Playgirls into Bald-O's bathroom reading stack of mags. The usual Sports Illustrateds are there along with some Maxims. Boys tend to have boring reading material while women have it even worse. I've come across Cosmopolitans, obviously, along with far too many magazines designed for women to make them think their homes or wardrobes just aren't good enough. The funny thing is that Sara has thrown a whole new wrench into the argument by having the sign language book as the main source of entertainment if it's gonna be a long night on the throne.

In all my life, I have never seen a Playgirl. Scouts honor. While there have been moments where I walked into the magazine section of Barnes and found a small squad of teenage girls giggling over pictures in it, that's as close as I've gotten. I'll admit to being curious as to how guys pose in Playgirl. Dicks out? Hard or soft? Holding it or just letting it speak for itself? Squirting cum? Peeing? It's always been my thing to know what it is that turns on women when it comes to us guys getting all nakey-nakey. While I'm used to hearing Sara tell me all the little things she loves about my penis, it's still a major want in knowing what kind of girl picks up a copy of Playgirl.

So, I thumbed through. Actually, Sara went through them first, remember? I had a cat sitting on my stomach while my girlfriend decides to look through the stack of porn. Playgirl is boring. I was hoping that, in some ways-the good ones, it would be the opposite of Playboy, my sometimes favorite magazine. The articles weren't worth much of a read. Guys just stood there with their dicks out, either holding or earth's gravity gave 'em a hand. Is this what turns on women? What made me laugh was the poses, totally JCPenney catalogs from the 80's. That's right. You, too, should lay on your side while your weiner flops on the side of your big muscular thighs. Would you believe that Playgirl does a Hustler-like action? They ask for guys to send in nudes of themselves. I'm sure a lot of women, after looking at 6-pack abs, want to see an old geezer with balls down to his knees on a motorcycle.

Then again, it could be my de-sensitivity towards porn itself. It's boring. While it was such an excitement when I was young, seeing gyno pictures of pussies just doesn't do it for me anymore. There are exceptions when it comes to beautiful women like Andi-Pink, an Internet model that is...*gasp*.....so beautiful along with her perfect looking pussy and asshole. It's just that Sara helped point out how it's the same thing. Blond girl with brunette. Asian with blond. Redhead with blond. The poses are dull with boring backdrops to the point that I'd bet that a non-blond real girl next door would liven anything up.

Don't get me wrong. I love looking at pussies and assholes just as much as the next guy. Hell, I got a laugh at the sight of large white women posing like some sort of bloated animal staring up at a Twinkie on a stick, even if this is not something I'd pick up. Ever. I can see why Penthouse took the risk of putting in pictures of women peeing a while back. This act is so risky but soon everyone else added it. Only even that got boring. How many times must we see a woman squat as a stream of piss makes its way out between her legs. Yes, it can be erotic at times when done right but the mystery and beauty fades when the theme is used too often. If a woman did that in front of me, I'd be sure she wiped before I fucked her. Remember my ex, the drunk? Pee stains in panties smell like ammonia when there for too long and we all know how it gets when you drink too much in the bar.

Still, pee pictures are boring. How about themes where everyone pretends they are on a sexualized version of Incredible Hulk? Hulk mad? No, Hulk horny! Horny Hulk need good fuck.

Playgirl could have a gay version of The A-Team. Think B.A. would allow Murdock's 10-inches while Face licks a young guy's ass that needed saving?

You know what? I leaveth you here. I'm bored or going too far in placing too many weird images in my own head. Sara mentioned threesomes again because she's got another idea as to who should join us. Definitely an interesting thought, too. Also a good image when receiving a very lovely blowjob on Saturday night. Happy twats all around.

Bang Dose Drums

"The price of gas is so high that Lindsay Lohan got drunk and walked into a tree."

-Bill Maher

Definitely an odd weekend. For an April, this weekend was cold and unusually gross in atmosphere. Here I was getting over a cold only to find myself feeling like it's back on again. Could be the cat allergies. Could just be the amount of germs being spread into the air by the type found at McDonald's. Don't you just hate it when fat chicks eating fries on a bench think that thong makes them sexy?

To narrow it down, I felt like shit and Sara got sick. There. That pretty much sums the whole weekend up! It's no wonder I came home drained but had to get to work on time. Lucky me. Lucky for us all that there are jobs were we are not allowed to have sick time or we just won't get paid. Lucky for us that we'll have to start spreading the germs around so we're all happy that everyone's sneezing.

Never had a friend's cat get so friendly with me. On a visit to one of Sara's friends, I lay down on her bed while the girls went on and on in talking. Out pops a cat that gets on top of my chest, lays down, purrs, and finds the need to massage my stomach. If I stopped running my hands through its long hair, I'd get a large paw on my face telling me that it shall not end. So sayeth the cat. So sayeth the fact that I live without scratches.

Sara said my snoring was so bad that night. Cats. They slowly kill me while making it difficult for Sara to sleep.

What is funny to me is that this is the first weekend I've ever been given porn from a girl. Sara's friend, Carrie, the cat's owner, gave me a large plastic bag of various magazines for my lonely southern buddy, Bald-O. Yes, it is sad that there are certain people, namely the tobacco chewing/smoking/head shaven variety that need some sort of lovin' even if it's self-lovin'. This might help while realizing motor oil is not the best for lubrication.

Spent a small amount of time going over all the mags to give to Bald-O. Want to guess who went through them first? Sara sits right down and goes over each page with her opinions. Women with their legs spread wide open doesn't faze her. Nor does various men holding their penises. Sara loves porn and has no problem with letting everyone know. While there was one Playboy, something I don't consider porn at all, there are 2 Playgirls that I want to leave in Bald-O's bathroom. He's played jokes on me so I'm about to get his friends to start walking out of the bathroom wondering if there is a reason a small town male teacher has not had a girlfriend in a long time. Bald-O's gossipy, too.

The strange thing is that I thought porn magazines would get more hardcore, considering how nasty the 'Net has gotten. Hardly any cum shots. No pictures of women peeing. Only 1 S & M scene. All girl-on-girl action has one blonde with a redhead or brunette. Most pussies are so perfectly symmetrical in that the lips are same on both sides. Assholes have zero hair unless it's a self-shot from a fan. Not as much anal sex either.

It's weird how unfazed I've become towards porn magazines as I've not seen many the last 5 years. I really thought things would be much nastier but things are so tame. It's no wonder people spend more time on the 'Net. There's so much free shit and you can actually watch women take dumps if that's your thing.

However, Plumpers will always make me giggle when fat chicks pose nude. No matter how seductive she's trying to look while mimicking a beached whale, you know she's thinking about that Double Stuff Oreo the crew member in the back is eating.

There was one highlight for Sara and I. The local college gave a free percussion show on Sunday. Loved it! I'm riding a slice of mushroom pizza when things go bang or boom. Drums just do it for me as guys and girls bang away for about 2 hours. Just wish people in the audience had more manners by sitting still as things get underway. Just why do people get up and come back so often? It distracts those of us that like watching banging music happen.

So, I'm done and gone as I once again find myself worn the fuck out. Dog sitting comes next as I'm with a job to stay in a brand new house to take care of a little Yorkie. Free beer is nice. High definition television is nice, too, but you want to know my favorite thing? Cat-free! I've spent every day in Indiana sneezing or coughing thanks to a little white cat. I'm so happy to just chill out with a small dog that probably sees things my way. We'll talk more porn later. Happy twats all around.

Miyagi Dojo

"Sweep the leg."

-Karate Kid (Sensei to the evil Johnny Lawrence as he is about to face Daniel)

Let me tell you something. Being sick sucks major blue whale balls. My only shining light is in the form of AMC showing The Karate Kid. Gawd, how many of you grew up while watching that movie? This is one of those stand-up-and-cheer type of films as the good guy is about to face all that has made his time miserable, namely high school kids using karate to beat up a new kid that only wants to be accepted. I've talked about these types of films, Jaws, Star Wars, Raiders Of the Lost Ark, and so on. The Karate Kid is a movie I've seen so many times and, yes, Johnny Lawrence was so scary along with one of his goons. It's that one that looks so sinister all throughout the movie. Trust me. You can't miss him.

And, yes, we in college used to quote various lines from The Karate Kid. Basically, it was my wanting to be on the bad guys' side, Cobra Kai. They had the best uniforms and moves but, of course, no one has better ones than Sho'Nuff from The Last Dragon (It was hard being a young boy wanting to know what was up Vanity's skirt). My roommate, Blondie, and I would take turns reciting lines when the The Karate Kid played in our living room. Sometimes, we even acted as if we would take turns being the cheering section as one would try to imitate a move or two.

"You got the glow! You got the glow!"

So, I leaveth you here. I'm too tired from not sleeping last night and need all the energy I can get for my drive to Indiana. Sara enjoys taking care of me but I should be better by then. I have to. Girl is itching to be laid as I keep getting hints in emails. After she paints a male nude, it is so on. Hopefully, my mind will forget about the short video where a guy about to go down on a girl threw up on her because her pussy smelled so bad. The Internet is a wonderful thing, huh? Happy twats all around.

W-I-M-P

"Wuss."

-My black co-worker's words to me when I said I was too sick to continue

It doesn't matter. You can get barely any sleep thanks to sneezing/coughing yet still show up for strenuous work only to find you are a wimp in someone's eyes. Never mind the sweat dripping down your head after another sudden hot flash that's come around thanks to a cold. Forget about the dry throat that never seems to end. You are a wimp. W-I-M-P.

Now, I know my boy meant well. Nice guy that just so happened to have spent $3,700 on new 26-inch rims for his truck. While I might consider that crazy, he says that rims are the way black people roll. I laughed a lot when he said that because it all comes back to when I made that comment on how funny it is to see black teens put rims on their moms' cars. Yeah, that's how moms roll, yo, because grocery shopping is about being seen and envied.

Obviously, it's out. I'm sick with a head cold. I'm quite congested in my head where it's all about the coughing and sneezing. Just how much gunk do we have up our noses anyway!?! The head is only so big but I feel like I can fill an aquarium with what I sneeze out constantly. Serves me right. I rarely get sick so I'm due with my yearly cold. Earlier, it was the flu, something very rare. The cold is something I can handle, especially this one.

Somehow, with a cold, I am stronger. No, really. I've hit the gym hard after work with no feeling of needing to pause or stop in need of rest. Going and going is all I've done ever since I got this cold. 305 lbs. military press was nothing for me today. Nothing! That's so weird since it normally takes me a bit to get to the point where I can hoist it up. Even the frontal raises came through where I almost got to 80 reps. Beat that. Nobody I know it crazy enough to do 79 reps of that exercise because it wears the shoulders out so much, especially after military presses. Now, you know why you can see various strands of muscle when I flex.

Hate kids. Never want them. My dog, 5-Pound Phooey, is something I would refer to as a child, though. Here's where I have become a concerned parent, making sure everyone walking their dogs knows there is a pitbull on a certain street. The look of horror on people's faces is priceless because no one wants to see their dogs or cats torn apart. It's become a definite topic when I walk with other dog owners. What else would I say? I'm not one to really get into a conversation over boring things that have no concern for me. I don't know any of these people in such a way that I know how many kids they have. "So, you still fuck after you turned 50?" just doesn't have a nice ring to it.

The gym hasn't turned around as much as I had hoped. People here and there come and go so much or they just don't show up on account of laziness. What I have been doing is talking to two lovely ladies because we were just drawn to each other. In other words, we miss some of the old days where there were less snobs. The first woman is the one I talked to about a love of mashed potatoes (I told you I get weird at a certain time). I'm sure she's not used to this, seeing as she had a good time laughing with me. Most guys hit on her thanks to her amazing body, lean with medium sized fake breasts. How hot is she? Her sister got her ass smacked in the gym by a guy while bending over (she's still mad about that).

You know what the first thing Sara would say to me if a girl came up and smacked my ass like that? Oh, she'd be mad if it wasn't a friend because the group is pretty lively. Sara knows I love to have my ass smacked hard so she's tell me sternly that is her job before going to give the girl a yelling.

The other girl in the gym would be someone that would like to smack my ass because she has a definite crush on me. Long story about this religious girl so we'll talk about her later. Sara used to hate it when other girls looked at me but now loves it. Things change, I guess, the longer you are with someone.

So, I must be off seeing as Battlestar Galactica is still not finished. 2 more episodes to go as Baltar's trial is about to take place. Nice how they really protect the law in this show, the good and the bad, because someone has to defend the scum of this earth. Even evil geniuses with warped dreams of receiving blowjobs while investigating blood samples deserve them. Don't understand? How can you not be watching Battlestar Galactica!?! Sara and I always watch this before bed. Happy twats all around.

Pit Versus Phooey

If I was given a dime every time someone says one of these things to me, I would be a very rich man indeed:

1). Do you lift weights? (No, asshole. Gnomes build hills all over my body while I sleep.)

2). How much do you bench-press? (About 300something but ask me about how far I can throw a First Grader.)

3). What do you eat? (Well, you won't find me in McDonald's like you.)

4). Are you from another country? You've got an accent. (I'm British so I worship a different god and he says you smell like a witch's tampon.)

My favorite thing is how people change around me when they've gone from seeing me in t-shirts to sleeveless ones. It's like they're suddenly afraid of me or something. They'll stare at my arms or chest and have trouble speaking, even guys. It makes me wonder if we're all gay in some way.

So, life? I'm sitting here wondering just how lucky I am after reading various hard times in other people's lives. I hate that. While I enjoy seeing enemies suffer, I'd rather have people that don't deserve such things go back to being happy again. My life is not perfect since I'm at a stage where I realize my parents really are crazy. If you aren't there, trust me on this. At some point, parents just decide to become obsessed with something or forget to breathe. For me, it's as embarrassing as my mother suddenly wanting to tell me to calm down with weight-lifting. Her reason? I'll one day start getting on top of girls.

While many guys would have problems with a girlfriend painting a nude male in front of her, I will not. An email was just received where Sara is going to have a nude model for her thanks to the art gallery's theme being homoerotic. Oh, I know I'm going to be lying there in bed listening to her telling me about the size of his penis/balls because.......well, that's the first thing she looks at. I, however, am the only male allowed to wave mine around and shout, "Whoo! Whoo!" all of a sudden for no reason.

Yes, this is how demented I get when things are calm at night thanks to having a girlfriend that loves penises.

Had an interesting Saturday thanks to a pitbull coming after 5-Pound Phooey. My dog has a mouth on her that, well, you already know by now after reading the stories over the years. I never thought there'd be a pitbull in my neighborhood but lo and behold there was one running straight for us. I've dealt with these dogs before thanks to doing work at an animal shelter. My first instinct was to show no fear and shield my dog with my body. That's not much since 5-Pound Phooey's pretty much just13 pounds of hair.

I wouldn't say the pitbull was vicious. I, on the other hand, was ready to kick its ass if it messed with 5-Pound Phooey. Lucky for us all, it only stood there to bark up at me as my confused dog was held tightly. The owner came quickly but I was furious at how he allowed this kind of dog to get loose. You just do not fuck with a pitbull. Period. As nice as it might be, they're strength is mighty impressive.

It's funny how I kind of see my neighborhood a little differently. There are a lot of wealthy business owners that own pets that would definitely not be considered dangerous. Pomerenians, schnauzers, and even German shepards would be something I'm used to with no fear. I love big dogs and you'll see that I give off a certain vibe that allows me to get just about any dog to want my attention. Ask Sara about this. We have to stop and meet every dog when on a walk. I'm not afraid of pitbulls but I'll be extremely cautious when I have a very mouthy little bitch on a leash.

Jay-Z and Beyonce tied the knot? Not a fan of either of them but it's interesting. To me, I always found Jay-Z to be a bit overrated in his rapping by forced rhyming with words. "Can I Get A..." is classic, though. I love that song. Period. My speakers would bounce and I just had to twist in my seat to the beat.

I'll be gone this weekend. The quietness of this past one was nice because I got caught up on various things like Battlestar Galactica (only 7 more of Season 3 to watch). As much as I love to wake up in Sara's bed, it was nice to toss a little 13-pound girl into mine and wiggle noses with before a walk. It's amusing to me how I crave chaos all of a sudden. You know what it is when you sleep with people. Bad breath? Stuffing penis in underwear during morning wood moments as girlfriend laughs. Cuddling. Sex. Discussions on what to have for lunch (we rarely wake up for breakfast now). Who gets in the bathroom first to pee or brush teeth (sometimes we don't even care and just end up in there together).

So, there you go. Life is once again alive as the light stays on up in the sky even after I get home. I'm dog-tired by 10pm while I watch WE Channel's High School Confidential where they follow various teen girls through 4 years of high school. Yeah, I love how you get into the thinking of various people to see how much they change as various issues arise. Wish I had gotten rid of my confusion towards religion much earlier. For me, even drinking a beer was too rebellious. Nowadays, it's either a 6-pack or not even bother trying. Happy twats all around.

Coming Back Hard Again

"You will be successful in your work."

-My fortune

Today, I got a fortune that has caused quite a lot of thinking. On my last visit to Indiana, Sara told me that I would be excellent for work as a personal trainer. Of course, this is not the first time she's said this. That would be, surprise, surprise, in a Chinese restaurant. This all adds fuel to the fire because my college friends started this. Bald-O, Dave, and Blondie all agreed that I must have some insane ability to do well in the gym. What better way to make money than to use it!?!

I'm thinking about going back to school. This is not at 100% but the thought of going through a few classes to get a degree for personal training does make me wonder. It's not that I miss school because a part of me has grown apart from that. I've started seeing the way people see me only recently. Confidence does wonders.

Spent the usual morning walking around the park's lake with 5-Pound Phooey, who was so happy that the weather was nice enough to piss 50 times in various places. Since it's time for geese to lay eggs, various couples spread out around the park (but near the lake) . Come too close and you get honked at. It used to be just one couple but now we've got 3 or 4 so some serious mating and dating has taken place. I just cannot stop thinking how weird it would be to see geese fucking. Should I shield my eyes? Do I need to get down on the ground to cover 5-Pound Phooey's?

The adventure doesn't end there. Oh, no, no. To get a haircut without taking 5-Pound Phooey would be boring. Why would you want a quiet little shop when there's 2 cats and a chihuahua to harass? A few months ago, I met the little dog and was greeted by lots of licks. Would 5-Pound Phooey assert her dominance stance with a dog even tinier than her?

Surprisingly, we had a good meeting of the little minds. 5-Pound Phooey's tail was flying all over the place. In saying she was happy, we let the two talk things out. A bitchy ball of fur versus a small bony brownie that just shouts out a love of tacos. There was no hair pulling. No curse words. Just tails flying all over the place with a mild amount of confusion between Yorkshire Terrier and chihuahua. Butts were sniffed but the aroma was happiness.

Sara doesn't sound very happy about her new job so there is that on my mind. That's not for me to talk about so I'll just state that I'm a little bit worried as I get frustrated with mine. Love the fact that time goes by so fast. It's rare to work without staring at the clock's incredible slowness. Plus, I talk sneakers, racism, and basketball with my black co-worker. The dude reeks of awesomeness even if we do disagree a little on things. Sneakers are an easy topic because we both grew up with a love of Air Jordans. It's how the work is done that drives us nuts in disagreements, namely my need to spice things up. If you're afraid of heights, you don't wanna do what I do.

So, let that be a lesson to you. There are a lot of black people also fed up with the way things are in the black community. Be it, the music or so called 'cultural values' where it's a good thing to fail classes, it's not a good thing to constantly show yourself as thugs or white folks will start thinking that's all you are.

As for tomorrow's premiere of the Sci-Fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica, I cannot start with you. I'm still 11 episodes out of the 3rd Season's DVD set. I'm still in love with it but too zonked out to catch up just yet. Plus, I'm so used to laying in bed with Sara while watching Starbuck and Apollo let out their disagreements.

I'm bidding you adieu early because I've got an appointment tomorrow morning. Thank fuck tomorrow is Friday because I'm a bit banged up from work. A large bruise is on the side of my right knee. The inner forearm on my right arm is sore. It almost sounds as if Sara threw me up against the wall to fuck me again. We've.......uh......gotten too tired to do things that way lately. There is no way I want anything Armani torn. Underwear valued over $15 a pair is also on the list. Happy twats all around.

Sex Was Odd

"That's all I wanted.
Just to see my baby's blue eyes shine."

-'Father Figure' by George Michael

Ever had one of those days where you just want to forget or just do-over? That would explain why this entry will be short. I'm just out of it with a mild form of wondering just what the hell I am doing. In some ways, it has to do with work. And others? Wanting a chance to heal my wounds by laying in a very hot bath while hoping my mind settles.

I tend to think too much.

My only highlight was getting another copy of George Michael's collection of videos on DVD. Yeah, I say 'another' because I was curious as to what they would do with this newer version. A few Wham! videos added to it makes the $17.99 price tag not too bad. Wish they had placed subtitles like they did with the original DVD. Then we can karaoke all night.

An orgy just isn't an orgy til a naked Summer and I are singing 'Father Figure' like the fools we are.

George Michael has a special place within me because the year his first solo album came out was when I was dealing with private Catholic school. MTV was playing his videos over and over to the point that I found myself singing them over and over. For a kid that was taught sex as being bad, it screamed freedom/rebellion when I found a cassette copy of George Michael's album on the playground. The word 'sex' in 'I Want Your Sex' shocked me. How could someone sing about such a thing!?!

For me, it was 'Father Figure' that drove me mad. Like I said, it was a complete change of the times. The videos had an artistic feel, especially when George comes around New York City in a taxi cab to pick up a model. His wife? Girlfriend? Who cares. The black and white feel was gorgeous as those whispers about how much he loves her came slowly. What I wonder is why this song isn't karaoke'd. The lyrics are simple and straight-forward played with a loud whisper. Even if the song is about a man truly in love with a woman, the whole thing does have sex in the background. After all, who doesn't talk more softly in bed?

In a sense, you can say you know it by heart. While I've said time and time again that Kristan took my virginity, it was George Michael that got me lightly thinking. Maybe sex is a good thing. Why wait for marriage when you can enjoy holding and being inside her? Being young was a confusing time, made more so by nuns. If only they these adults had been more mature......

Of course, I cannot forget about 'I Want Your Sex' because it was the video that got George in trouble for some time. 1985 was still a very careful year as to what you put out in regards to an album. You must remember that I was a very little boy just discovering girls. Even reading the definition of the 'Vagina' in the dictionary gave me a short thrill. The video for 'I Want...' had me wanting more. There was a close up view of a woman walking away from the camera while wearing skimpy black panties. Gawd, I was staring as hard as I could to hopefully see a hint of pussy. How the hell did such a small amount of fabric keep those pink lips in!?! All those hours studying pictures in whatever pornographic magazine I could get my hands on had me wondering about this. If there was an X-Rated version of 'I Want Your Sex,' that little boy in me would have fainted. Just the amazing beauty of a model's pussy would have had me lose all control and in need of a nurse to sit on my face.

Remember, the first time I ever sank my fingers inside a girl, all I could do was just stare in fascination at how slick they became as I continued to explore and explore all night.

So, I am outta here after embarrassing myself yet again. I don't care. This helps on days where work is getting annoying and life feels a bit overwhelming. 3rd Graders plotting to kill their teacher!?! A baby placed in a microwave!?! Is it any wonder I'm for capital punishment? Happy twats all around.

Does Robin Think I'm Hot?

Me: "I'm tense."

Sara: "You're tens???"

-The feeling I tried to tell Sara when it came to driving to Chicago only to find that she misheard me.........again.

Nothing like starting the day to seeing a paparazzi picture of Lindsay Lohan digging for gold in her nose. That all reminds me of how I spent yesterday poring over various conversations between teenagers on what they do in the bathroom while taking a shit. It seems cell phones come in handy because you can play video games while 'dropping the kids off at the pool.' What got me laughing is that there are those that play around by taking pictures of the floor with them. Taking a shit is boring so creativity at any level helps.

Well, how was Chicago? Amazing! I'll start off by telling you that we went for one main reason, to meet one of Sara's favorite authors, Christopher Rice, in Barnes & Noble. This was a 2.5 hour drive for an autograph and listening to a reading. What I have to say is that I was impressed with how professional Mr. Rice was. Everyone had an opportunity to ask something about characters, books, and you know the rest of the drill. Sara says Christopher is hot so I'll have to agree with this due to the large amount of gay males in the audience.

It was gay all the way. The two guys in front of me? Gay. The one across the aisle from Sara? Totally gay. The guys in back of me? Gay. The guy in the purple/blue button down? Gay. The girl with the butterfly tattoo on the right shoulder? Gay. This fascinated me for some reason. Not only did my gaydar pick up but I loved how all of these guys were so obviously infatuated with Christopher Rice. If it wasn't the eyes fluttering, you would know it by how nervous fawning taking place when asking a question. Sara loved all this because she loves gay guys and Christopher Rice.

While Sara was away, I talked the two guys in front of me to take a picture of Sara with Christopher Rice along with an answer to her question (I"m so happy she isn't shy). We had a blast talking about all sorts of topics from Battlestar Galactica to which one of these guys was the 'sporty' one in the relationship. By now, Sara should have a picture sent to her by email.

Since you know me by now, you wouldn't be surprised if I told you how bad I wanted to stand up and embarrass myself. One of the guys in back wore a yellow Robin (of Batman) t-shirt while I wore the grey Batman one with the large symbol on the chest. What I wanted to do was stand up and shout out, "Hey, Robin! It's me, Batman!" and then tear open my DKNY hoodie to proudly display the symbol for him. Needless to say, Sara thought I was being an idiot but she's pretty sure Christopher Rice would have laughed about all that.

Ever driven to Chicago? Very, very scary. When you hit the toll road, good luck. It's 7 lanes to drive around various loops with other cars going quite fast. The speed limit is 55 but I saw people going at least 80-90. At times, one car would come dangerously close to hitting me as I got so tense from all this excitement. I've heard that the worst expressways are in New York and Los Angeles. Chicago's pretty bad.

The quote above was about how I got when given the news that I would be driving Sara and I to Chicago. I had never done this and remember how freaked out I got when I sat in a car with people that have done it. It's scary. Once you pay your $3 toll on Skyway, you better pray for you start out on a large path with no lane signs as people come out with you. Stake your path or you're fucked. Around a few loops, go underneath an overpass, pay attention to the signs even though you must also be aware of the 6 lanes around you, and try not to freak the fuck out. I'm amazed at how there are people that can do this so easily. Merging into 7 lanes is also tricky because you just cannot stop no matter how close the cars are going to get.

The weird thing is that leaving Chicago is easy. Really. Sure, there are a lot of people going with you just as when you came. It's just that there's less and you only have to go one way, straight (unless you are going to stay in Illinois or exiting into Chicago). Plus, the early evening was nice as various places would light up. Sara was kind of funny because she kept telling me to speed up. I was 5 miles over the speed limit but I used the school bus in front of me for comfort until I felt ready to hit the gas and move into the dangerous lanes (the ones further left). My adrenaline was really kicking in and, yes, Sara saw that when we ate. A tense Ultrarooster is a very weird person to eat with.

Good luck to all those that want to drive through Chicago's tollway roads.

What I will not forget is best summed up by the Barnes & Noble that the author appeared at. It was 2 floors so huge that any freak for books would need a couple days to recover from this orgasmic bliss. To give you an idea, the art/photography section was 4 times what ours is. 4 times! You may not be able to get lost here but it's so beautiful that I could find myself in this Barnes everyday. Even the people were so freakishly nice.

So, what did we do for fun while waiting for Christopher Rice's 3pm appearance? The Barnes we went to was located in a very upscale mall. My preference was to shop at Armani while Sara used her gift cards at Banana Republic. I'm in love with Armani's style so it was a must while Sara freaked over the prices. $101 well spent and I plan to go back for the red long-sleeve knits that I wish I had gotten.

It felt weird to be walking around such an amazing upscale mall. The people dressed so nice thanks to such wealth even I'm not used to seeing. We're talking Paris Hiltons because girl after girl walked into Armani and Banana Republic wearing clothes that others would have to wait a month to afford. The Tiffany's had an armed well-dressed guard watching over everyone. Swatch had hundreds of watches for your tastes if you could handle the $155 price tag (I was so close to getting one but.....Armani called). Bloomingdale's had large leather seats and tea for those waiting on someone modeling clothes for them. Lacoste is just too preppy for my taste so I avoided it easily. My dad said this area was a 'small shopping center.' If you consider it that way, what do you call ours? Bloomingdale's, Macy's, Lord & Taylor, Armani, Banana Republic, and so on is bit beyond 'small.'

The only thing I hate about Armani is that Guidos (Gwee-Does) have adopted it as their own for clothing. A 'Guido' is someone more likely to be an over-tanned Italian with so much hairspray holding his hair up. These are most likely found in Miami nightclubs or New Jersey's. You can't miss them with their humongous egos. Summer have you seen these types?

So, I bid you an adieu here. It's been another long day at work as I look forward to this weekend being nothing but relaxing. I'm very happy that I was able to conquer a fear and take Sara to meet someone she loves to read. She can't drive on the interstate thanks to epilepsy. 2.5 hours to and 2.6 hours back. I just want some sleep even though I do miss Chicago and how impressive people can dress. Happy twats all around.