Like Metal

"You live in a big house!?! Wow, I've hardly ever come across a black man that lived large, especially these days."

-Me (to my new co-worker)

I'll explain. As soon as I make my way down to work, my boss comes up to me to tell me to talk to a guy standing to my left. At first, I thought it no big deal because I was on another sort of mission, to get another pair of gloves. I come back and learn that I am to use my sign language skills to talk to a deaf black guy. Let me tell ya, there is nothing like throwing in ridiculous humor to get a conversation going. My new co-worker had a few good laughs to prepare himself for the horrors of doing actual work.

So be it. Make fun of rappers or throw in a little ridiculous humor, do an Eddie Murphy impression (It's hot.....in the hot tub!) and you, a pathetic large white boy, will have a black man for life.

While our most important issue is the fact that the air conditioner fucked up today, I'd rather dwell on something else. Armpit hair. While it's required for women to shave theirs off and, yes, it is icky to see a girl with a small furry animal make its home in there, I share in this. I've been bare there for years since it's something accepted by weight-lifters. It just is. The hardcore elite pretty much keep their bodies hair-free, even legs. While I've had smooth 'pits for years, I keep my legs hairy and a small amount of pubes. A completely bare weiner is odd, no?

Not sure if I'll go back to some hair in my 'pits. It's completely alien to me, seriously. Anything to take my mind off the obscene heat in this large house thanks to a fucked up air conditioner.

Japan has invented a $6,000 toilet. Hooray for the land of pervs! While they've kept America guessing as to whether they do have machines that will dispense worn panties (they totally do), now comes something that we all need. This super dooper toilet warms itself every 24 hours. Who doesn't enjoy a warm bowl? It's got some sort of computer mechanism that measures how much water is needed to flush away your turds. Like whoa! Something smarter that you just so happen to be nearly passed out on after a trip to Taco Bell! Hate skid marks? A perfectly aimed squirt of warm water will hit your asshole. How many enjoy the feeling of something warm there?

Oh, I do!

I got a kick out of reading about this $6,000 toilet. The person testing it said that it is totally worth it. No skid marks, a warm bottom, music to keep anyone from listening to your splashes, and cuts down on excessive water so we help the environment all while keeping the embarrassing sounds from scaring the neighbor in the next stall. That all reminds me of a time spent in Barnes where I went into the restroom to piss. There was a guy showing his turd who's boss all while his feet were shaking so hard. I walked out laughing because it his feet spent very little time on the floor.

We all need a little bathroom humor thanks to Pennsylvania's buying into Hillary's lies. I'm tired of these primaries and wish the excessive money was spent on more important things. Did you know there is a food shortage in 3rd world countries?

Every time I see a news center's segment on poor countries, I always find myself asking, "Why do you have so many fucking kids if you are that poor!?!" I, seriously, don't get how stupid these people are. It's like the stupid breed so easily that it's no wonder Bush has people that still like him as a president. If disposable income were less than $100 in a month, why have another child? Even people here in the U.S. seem to find this insane need to create just because sex is, like, fun.

Can't shop at Prada? Might as well fuck, huh?

It's funny when I put my sign language skills to use. People constantly stare as our fingers/hands/arms fly all over the place. Facial expressions are to show how intense things are or how funny it gets. Well, it is rude in the deaf community. How would you like it if people listened in on what you are saying? Yeah, I can cheat because I know what people are saying as long as they are going at a good rate of speed for me. I'm kind of slow. Still, don't stare but you can tap a deaf person on the shoulder to ask them to talk to you.

My right thumb is close to being broken. A box bounced up and sent it flying back. Long story but the thumb is still usable for now.

You already know the rest by heart. Another walk in the park, met a little dog, and 5-Pound Phooey gets her badass on. This time, it was a smaller version of her, a Yorkie puppy. Cute, too. The little girl looked beyond the badass interior and tried to play with 5-Pound Phooey. Since it's getting hot, I might be going topless soon. I hate how drenched my t-shirts get when I get home. Sara says I smell 'like metal.'

So I leaveth you here. I've still yet to pack for the 4 day weekend that I have been granted. Yes, they let me have the time off today. Whoo! 2 days of catching up in the gym without feeling soreness from work is a dream for me. Karaokeing Duran Duran, George Michael, or Wang Chung. Hopefully, it's a topless set but, then again, Sara's crew are pretty shy. I'd drive a million miles, to be with you tonight. Happy twats all around.