The Leech Is Back

"Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen."

-Aliens

This is not going to be a thrilling or even amusing in the slightest entry. I've just received word that Sara has a serious sprain in her ankle thanks to the idiotic roommate's desperate need to watch European soccer. To put it in the best perspective I can tell you, a serious downpour of rain caused Sara to trip and fall in a grassy area all because she was dragged into doing something she didn't want to do in the first place.

Sara's right about one thing. I'm a bit pissed at both of them. The sky gave major warnings on rain but the roommate wanted to go out anyway, walking to find a football game. Mind you, the roommate is a bit on the selfish side and leeches off of Sara. Now I have to hit Indiana, control my frustrations until I hear the whole story, and get pissy if the roommate doesn't perform at Sara's beck and call. I know what it's like because I was on crutches once but that was for a broken right foot in baseball practice.

I played both games of the double-header with a broken foot, folks. Walked off the field and back to my room with no one helping me. I'm tough, smarter and tougher than a Ford truck.

Funny how Sara warned me that I'm gonna be mad by stating it in the first sentence to me.

So, had a good day? Remember the brown girl mentioned in the past few entries? Still around and I talked to her today. Found myself reminiscing with a fellow gym member about how things used to be so good when the old owner was around. The new owner fired so many people that it feels like the lifeforce has left us. We're dead, man. That's why I find myself staring into the mirror asking myself if this is still worth it.

To give you an idea as to how demented I can get, I wonder what Rambo would do. Would he get new gloves because mine reek of sweat so awful it's like putting socks on that had just been thrown into the lake.

But not all is lost, folks. There are certain moments that move me, especially those that have to do with the wild. Baby ducklings hatched just recently and I saw them for the first time swimming with Mom. If you were another person that just happened to walk by, I swear you would have heard me say, "Awwww." There's something about the beauty in nature that reminds you that the corporations in the world cannot destroy everything. Only seems that way.

I'm going to leaveth you here instead of unleashing a fury of harsh language based on my anger with Sara's roommate. I know she's not the one that caused the bad sprain but her self-absorbed determination sure makes it seem that way. More to come as I pack my things to leave tomorrow. Happy twats all around.

Muck Fichigan

"Live for nothing or die for something."

-Rambo

As I took a much needed rest in the gym, I looked at myself. This was no out of admiration. Nosirree, it was more along the lines of me reading my face all while asking myself one simple question:

"Is it worth it?"

Let's just say I've dropped back to down to a personal misery. Not sure why. It could be that I am at my weakest because the one thing I need at some point is female attention. Whether I like it or not, just knowing or being around a girl that will listen helps me through another grueling day where I come home drenched in sweat, eat dinner, and then head on out to the gym where I will soon feel like a greased pig. "Is it worth it?" Ask yourself something like that when you are at your worst.

We all know I love Sara. However, I am weak when it comes to needing a little female attention. I'm not getting it from her right now because I have yet to hear from her. Sara could be busy looking for a new job or doing things she has to do. I'm all for that but why is it that it takes forever for her to get back to me? Why does this little brown girl have to make it so difficult just by smiling at me?

Yeah, that little brown girl sure knows how to play the game right when it comes to dealing with me. Leave me curious. Unlike yesterday, she said nothing to me, just looking to see when I will enter the gym and to walk on by me as I stood there working on biceps. This brown girl could have gone the easy route but, no, she had to walk right by me and smile. Of course, I smiled back and I even compliment her. Dammit, the other weakness of mine was hit hard as well. She was wearing a sundress. I love it when women wear nice dresses.

See? I'm full of weird complications. Although I love torn jeans, tight tank-tops without rolls of fat falling out, ponytails, a nice ass, and small tits, a sundress can really get my attention as well. If you wish to know, it was yellow.

So, you can use this as a tip. Want a guy that has a girlfriend? Tear him apart slowly by flirting with him and wearing things that get his attention during the times he has been apart from his girlfriend. Yes, there are homewreckers and heartbreakers. This is what they do. They know more than a girl that takes her boyfriend for granted.

To tell you the truth, I'm just in too much of a funk right now. Sure, the Playboy Channel has kept me amused when I get the chance to watch it. Hell, I even learned a new way to eat pussy thanks to a whole hour devoted to showing college males how to get more poon. I'm serious. That was the title. What made it so good was using real college students that weren't modelish looking nor with an expensive wardrobe. Nope. It had a dork being shown how to place his penis inside a girl. No joke. That part I've had for years. It was the new way to place a girl on the floor in order to eat her out much more thoroughly.

When things at work go well, I find myself dancing a jig right after. My boss let me off early again. My co-workers looked at me as if I was crazy. It's summer! Who wants to spend so many hours sweating!?! I may make less money but I don't care. The day calls for me to spend it outside much earlier on a walk with an irritable dog. It's always great when black guys laugh at the bad dancing skills.

So, I don't know what else to tell you other than I am leaving this weekend for Indiana. Sara will hear about the brown girl (possibly even tell her how I saw the dark vag a few months back thanks to short shorts) as she loves how her boyfriend is wanted. That slightly annoys me because it signals a small amount of taking me for granted. We'll see. Does anyone else see what I'm trying to explain? Relationships are a lot of work and I hate being thrown this monkey wrench when I need some long hair strung out on my shoulder after a day like this. Happy twats all around.

Watch How Fat People Roll

"I'm excited about Batman!"

-Me

Quotes like the one above get you noticed, noticed in a way that people wonder if you are retarded. It's a chosen profession, really. To be mildly retarded and proud is not easy for us easily excited pathetic white boys that enjoy Batman, girls with guns, and using sign language with a little too much expression.

By the way, I'm not joking. The two guys I said that to in the gym laughed their asses off. I mean, I totally get it. Someone just blurts out how crazy he/she is for something completely ridiculous like a superhero. But that is me. I love Batman and, yes, I cannot wait til The Dark Knight hits theaters in July. My grey tight t-shirt with the Batman emblem on the chest will be worn. By then, these muscles will still be bulging and ready to do away with evil-doers wherever they are.

Unlike a lot of comic book geeks, I do not have the lard hanging over my Underoos, a large amount of zits, and have seen many vaginas that didn't cost me a dime.

Isn't it great when someone has an obvious crush on you? Oh, I'm sorry but I tend to travel back to being 13 so I'll just say it your way. Someone wants to fuck me. Is that better?

Remember that brown girl that flashed me her vag thanks to very short shorts and no panties? Well, she was in the gym tonight and constantly on the lookout for me. It had to happen, of course, the talking. Same age as my girlfriend, Sara. A bit of a pessimist towards the gym we both inhabit thanks to the management forcing the fun people away. It wasn't til I saw her staring at me as I left that I realized how far I've come to being considered fuckable for a brown girl. These are the types of girls that set their standards so high.

Frat boys either fear them or copy answers off them.

Sara seems to love this, knowing someone wants little old me. Blue eyes get you anywhere but it's the goofiness that keeps you there. Ask anyone. Ask any real guy willing to talk about anything and he'll tell you how easy it is to talk to girls.

The other thing that made my day was seeing one of my old high school's stuck up snobs. Fat as a goddamn truck. I mean, big ass o' lard that you'd swear spends all her day at KFC licking the grease off the floor as an appetizer. I had to laugh as the poor trainer set her through dull motions because the blob was just too big as it waddled to and fro.

It might sound mean for me to make fun of this girl. I don't care because she was a total stuck up snob in my school, thinking herself so great while hanging with another set of snobs. What did I do wrong? I was popular, knew many cheerleaders, jocks, nerds, dorks, dweebs, losers, stoners, madrigals, and so on. This giant blond blob didn't see anything in me when sitting next to me during Algebra. Hell, how did a slightly chunky girl like this become so powerful?

Sometimes, you wait for that one chance just to make someone cry. Except, I didn't get it this time. The blob didn't see me so her coming up to me to say hi didn't happen. Oh, I was dying to say......"Hi, Jenny, my oh my, do the people at the buffet cower in fear when you walk in?" How the hell does a girl let herself get like that anyway? I've got this feeling that her husband has had enough of the fact that while her tits have gotten to be more than a handful, there is just no good reason for her to weigh more than his pickup truck.

Yeah, as you can see, my life, if we can call it that, has resorted to being a bit vindictive towards those that you can roll down a hill. No matter how long high school was, some of us still seek out that dark side of our brains that remembers various hard points. Loved high school. Hated a few people. Wouldn't be a bad thing to me if........oh, hell. A lot of people just sucked at times.

Life is a little strange for me because I have this feeling that those words will come up that I dread to say. .""But I have a girlfriend..." A weird fact is that I made a girl cry when I said that 2 years ago. I'm friendly and have a tendency to blurt out retarded statements. Obviously, I have a bit of anger at fat people.

So, I am going to head on back upstairs. Playboy Channel? Still lovin' the reality shows shown during the day. I'm pretty sure Sara wants to watch several hours to see what she's been missing. Another good thing is seeing old Playmates because there were some bushes back then. Wish we'd bring back that kind of grooming even if sometimes a few hairs end up in the mouth. Pussy eater and proud. Happy twats all around.

For You, George

"If it's not the smell of someone's butt that offends your nose, it's the worry that the person behind you at the gym's water fountain is going to think it's yo' ass that needs more wiping. Gawd, I hate having a sensitive nose sometimes."

-Me

Right now, my life is pretty much shit. Literally. My little dog, 5-Pound Phooey, decided that, before we continue on our walk, I need to shake the dingle-berry stuck to her ass. All walks consist of the following things, the big dark eyes that insist on a hug or that sinister appearance that says it all when she just cannot shake the shit off her ass. All dog owners know that the word 'turd' is used at least once a week.

Look, I'll be honest. I'm very scatterbrained here. It seems that ever since I've discovered the two things dominating my life, USA Network's amazing Burn Notice and the fact that I have the Playboy Channel, I now watch a little bit of TV. This is so unlike me. My parents and friends installed it in me that I should be out and about, not a zombie sitting there watching TV. In a small sense, KISS's Gene Simmons said it best.

"Why would I watch porn? I'd rather be doing it."

Good point. But this isn't all about porn, spies, or naked women. It's about expanding your mind and getting outside to make yourself feel good. The sun tends to do that by giving you vitamins that might make you sweat a bit. Lounging in a nice leather chair only makes you look like a homeless guy, possibly dressed a little bit better.

The Playboy Channel is so fascinating to me. I'm a virgin to it so bear with me. Yes, there are naked people but it's all done in such a tasteful way that I cannot explain to you. Oh, I'll hoot and holler. I might even show a little disgust at how Hefner's girlfriend seem to get a bit too much camera time. It's just that I've always found nudity to be fun if all participants want it. Everyone really does give me the feeling that they are having a good time and not dreaming of just a paycheck. The thing is that Sara would not turn the channel off if she ever got Playboy. I'm serious. The types of reality shows would have her addicted even more than that stupid Tila Tequila show she loves. Ugh. Am I the only one that thinks she looks like a little lost alien?

Yes, I am still working on my chest differently. That is going great. Since people seem to watch me a bit, I wouldn't be surprised if a few take up my new routine. 'Tis not for the faint of heart. Doing a push-up between 2 overturned dumbbells is very tough. The next day's soreness will do you in if the attempt didn't wear you out.

One of the best way's to help get work over with quicker is to have fun. Nothing like using the humidity to describe a co-worker's BO just to get him going. Fan it out in my direction all you want. That's not as bad as the guy down to the left that reeks of ass.

So, I leaveth you here on a sad day. George Carlin died and, although I didn't listen to him as much as my dad did, I did get his act. To censor is stupid. While I agree with trying to keep kids as young and innocent for a time period, adults need a place. We cuss. We fuck. We realize some things are childish but to censor others is a total destruction of one of our great freedoms, the freedom of speech. While at work today, I thought back to one of my classes that was based on the freedom of the press. The professor had 2 people at a time teach a chapter while he sat back to watch how we handled things. I forgot what one I had but the irony didn't escape me how one girl raised hell over the fact that I brought an issue of Playboy that had exactly what I needed. While most of the class enjoyed things, it didn't escape me how there is always one person that will always try to keep you from having fun. No, I didn't show the centerfold. No, I didn't bring out any naked pictures. All I did was show the cover and read the quote I had underlined. I'll miss anyone that tried to keep truth alive. Happy twats all around.

Playboy, Aliens, And Burn Notice

"Sometimes, you just need a goddamn hug."

-Me

We all have days like this. It could be that you feel as if no one notices you. Everything that could go wrong just did. The heat is annoying and makes everyone think it's you that smells like ass. You're itchy all over due to some allergic reaction. Or maybe, just maybe you you're like my dog, all out of gas and in need of a hug.

Nothing like people watching you as a small dog climbs into your lap as you sit on someone else's lawn. 5-Pound Phooey was wiped out. It could be the heat that got to her or maybe complete boredom. When faced with the fact that there was no cat to chase or dog to bark at, a walk can get pretty boring. It doesn't help when a pile of poop is considered a 'threatening message' thanks to the manner it was left. Sometimes, I really hate it how dogs use the parks as a chat room.

I'm still here. Just been a little busy with discovering things. Rethinking or self-improvements can be masturbation material. I'm always on the lookout to work myself into some sort of steam. Nonetheless, I got to thinking during my walk that I want to lower the thickness in my chest muscles. I mean, it is nice that people stare, girls and guys, when it comes to all that hard work put on my pectoralis major and minor. However, I want 'the boys' slimmed down a bit so I can wear clothes without Sara mimicking me as I walk. She tends to do that.

New push-ups are key. Less bench-pressing. You'll find me with 2 22.5 lb. dumbbells turned upwards so I can push-up in between them. It's hard. It's somewhat painful. But, dammit, I enjoy going through periods of self-improvements. Not many people do these kinds of chest exercises because they are just that, damned enough to send you through a tizzy. It took me 3 days to fully recover from Wednesday's session so that's what I want.

More pain. It helps you feel alive when other parts of your life feel dead.

Other than that self-improving that is masturbating material, I've fallen in love with Burn Notice. Why oh why this show is only slightly well-known I will never know. You've got it all. A mixture of Mr. And Mrs. Smith (and we all know how I am obsessed with THAT movie), a smart character that is cold as ice, a trigger happy girlfriend with a six-pack and attitude, Miami, gorgeous women, and stories that draw you in where you beg for more. I'm begging so much! I've not been addicted to a show like this since Veronica Mars. Sure, Battlestar Galactica is nice but that didn't always leave me dying to see what mess Michael Weston is into next. How can it be that I'd enjoy having a girlfriend buying weapons on the black market in a stolen BMW all in the pursuit of goodness in her heart?

Plus, I hacked into the satellite and found out I get the Playboy Channel! Well, that and every pornographic channel that would make several people not able to leave the room. Lucky me. There was no reaching for the zipper. I'm not quite like that, as fascinating as pussy is.

The Playboy Channel is so much fun. While the evening hours of 2-6 hours of porno movies don't get to me, the reality shows and news from the world of Playboy are fun. What more can I want? I've got personalities that draw me in all while various scenes of ass, tits, and bush are on display but not in a way that demeans. In other words, classy is the key word here. There are times I enjoy a little graphic gyno views but.........

To give you an idea, Playboy is going to have a show where one of my favorite photography books' author is going show how he takes pictures of what else.........happy naked girls! You can probably buy it on Amazon or somewhere. The point is that we're talking good old fashioned fun nudity. All the women are smiling as they take their clothes off in their own homes or apartments. If they're more comfortable with the photographer being naked, too, he'll drop it all. I'm just tired of all the pouting because nudity is supposed to be fun. Remember, I posed for Sara's painting. Yes, it was weird to sit there for 5 hours where my balls lay there on the couch's cushion yet I still smiled.

But you want to know about the naughty stuff, too? I've never seen grown men wearing baby bonnets or diapers til now. I've never thought of eating a girl's ass/pussy while she makes scrambled eggs til now. I've never ordered a girl to hold my dick while I pee and talk on the phone. The sad part is that I was more interested in eating those scrambled eggs because I love eggs.

The reality shows on Playboy TV look fun. Various couples send in their homemade amateur tapes. Nice. But it's the bitchiness found in the documentaries on the porn company Vivid's filming in Porn Valley. Some girls don't want to work with other girls. There is some sensitivity or someone's snatch smells awful. All is better when things work themselves out as a girl eats out another girl by bending her over all of a sudden. The funny part was the guy that just walks into Vivid's office, stares at the receptionist, and hopes she'll just get him a part in a porn movie. Nice to see that psychos continue to exist and that women continue to have to deal with them. According to the lady heading that part of the office, they try to shoo crazy people off by insisting they drop their pants and get hard right there.

For the life of me, I cannot understand a word on Playboy Latin TV. Those Mexicans have a different taste in sexuality that I've yet to get. At least the girls aren't completely bare down there like the boring blonds are.

So, I must be off. More Playboy TV (Sara wishes to watch) and Burn Notice. I'll be gone next weekend to tell Sara all about what I've seen, the good and the dirty. According to porn, aliens do have penises attached to their bodies and, yes, they help in exploring the female's most sensitive cavities. Oh, and they fuck hard! UFOs can bring in all the best channels when it comes to those long space rides. I'd just hope for a blowjob while eating scrambled eggs. I've got simple fantasies. Happy twats all around.

Ass-Cuse Me, Miss

"I think every male out there worries about whether they are becoming their fathers. While many find this endearing, the human being tends to open its mind more towards the negative. Oh, how I would love to work on the satellite dish after working, the gym, and a walk with an irritable dog!"

-Me

Weeds. Love it. Who knew that Showtime could take the story of a recently widowed mom, have her learn to sell weed, and commit herself to many oddball people. Doug is da man! The first thing we worry when being forced to become caretakers of an accident victim is whether we have to help them poop.

Thanks to the power of satellite, I once again get to watch pay cable. Hooray. Actually, I would be jumping up and down but I'm just too tired from the fact that I enjoy being outside. TV is nice. TV about Nancy the pot dealing mom is even better. I'll admit that it was weird watching TV where swear words were bleeped out or not said at all. Showtime for 1 hour brought me back into a blessed state of 'shits' and 'fucks' like I can go home again.

I don't know what it is about this time of year. Summer blahs? Suddenly having the weather so nice can get boring. The heat hasn't been bad since the whole week is pretty much 78 degrees. Gas prices continue to piss off or cause very little traffic. Maybe summer is nice after all. My dog and I can cross the street more easily and the exhaust fumes no longer cause me to gag. You go, gas prices!

Watch me complain when I have to drive to Indiana, though. Just wait for it.........

Old people surprise me, too. If you consider 53 to be old, I've got a chubby buddy from my gym that would love to prove his manhood to you. Well, according to him he's getting laid, even after turning 53 yesterday. Richard's still rocking the world of some nice lady that beats his ex-wife, the one that's a drunk and shits without flushing. I guess just about anything will do as an upgrade in the dating department for him.

Richard makes me so glad I don't have to worry about losing my hair. Thousands of those fuckers adorn my head, even if there are a few that are greying. Sara enjoys pointing these out or pulling them out. When around her, my ass and head are going to either smooth or facing a couple patches.

USA Network's Burn Notice was so good! I've found a new TV show to get excited about, people. Filmed in Miami, I worried that I'll get tired of the pastel buildings that I was so used to seeing in Miami Vice. But the snarky spy pulled me in, dammit. Basically, Burn Notice is about a CIA spy that is suddenly given a 'burn notice,' neither fired nor allowed to use what was normally given to him for help in nailing people. It's just him, some tools, and an ex-girlfriend played by the lovely Gabrielle Anwar. What a woman. I laughed when she nearly killed the thug. Cried when the snarky spy figured out which portion of the building to shoot in order to rid it of the annoying drug dealer. Season 2 starts July 10th so start watching in order to prepare yourself for more delicious looking girls in barely-there bikinis as spies start shooting each other.

If only there was nudity and swearing...........can't really complain when the story is so good, though.

How am I? Work's been going by fast ever since I put it in my head to stop watching the clock like a hawk. I've decided to relax a bit more and enjoy my chats with everyone. Of course, I still avoid the guy that shits his pants on occasion but, then again, he has been good about not doing that lately. My deaf friend continues to teach me new signs in sign language. For instance, if you use the word 'ass,' you spell it out. A-S-S. There is no direct sign when you want to tell a deaf guy that a fine ass is about to pass by. There are 2 daring girls sharing the work in the trenches. That would be why there are a few perfume bottles for after work. Girls don't stink. They glow.

Not really. Sometimes, girls smell like sweat and ass after a fart gone wrong.

Wonder if Sara is going to bring up Bald-O's weakness. Remember that? A while back while drunk, Bald-O admitted that he's always wanted to stick his finger up a girl's butt. Me being drunk and rude, got him worried by making him wonder if he was gay. I know, I know. I don't get the whole wanting to stick a finger in a girl's ass need but that's him. My only explanation is that when going through a long sexual drought, the mind gets even dirtier. Suddenly, you think about playing with various parts you didn't consider before, like assplay. Sara is completely fine with talking about something like this so I'd love to see if Bald-O's face goes dark red.

So, I'm gonna leaveth you here as I take off for my second Burn Notice episode. I'm a bit burned out and can't wait for the weekend. Sleep. My change in today's workout wore me the fuck out. Walked in all hyper because I was curious as to what I could handle. Handled a lot. Come home to find I had to help with the satellite dish after walking 5-Pound Phooey. Sometimes I really wonder when I will ever feel relaxed. Happy twats all around.

It Was A Me Day

"This place is a madhouse, feels we're being cloned!"

-'Twilight Zone' by Golden Earring.

I took a Me Day. Congratulate me. It's a rare thing for me to do, take time out for myself where the gym is not involved. No push-ups. No sit-ups. Nothing that involves a sweaty me looking like I am fucking some sort of invisible woman with a hell of a pussy.

It's just one of those days, huh? Well, you might take the day off of work because you're tired but that's just not me. A Me Day involves some sort of relaxing all while continuing to keep the blood pumping. Sure, there is still a walk or two with 5-Pound Phooey wanting to get smacked by a cat or chewed out by a dachsund. It's just that all that is easy for me. Put it to you this way. While it might be difficult for you to lift a 25 pound object, it's nothing for me. What I cannot seem to do is let myself rest. Ever.

Last night itself was a disaster. I couldn't sleep with all the potential excitement coming up during the 4th. Sara's birthday is the 2nd but I'll be stuck at work. It's Thursday night where it all begins. Have to bring flowers but no presents. Cash is what she needs to help get her out of the hole of having to pay off that Mac computer she got for Christmas. I must say that a Mac looks pretty damn nice since we also watch movies on it. No longer are we in need of binoculars when using the TV's DVD player instead.

Bald-O and Sara will get along. It's putting her in the middle of an enormous family get-together that might strike fear. People down south celebrate the 4th a bit bigger. Everyone comes to eat. Bald-O's parents have friends from grade school that come and bring some major cooking. Kids from various families that I would have sworn were 5 the last time I saw them will run all around me. You see a lot of aging when you show up after months away.

Life is pretty cool down south. Might be hotter. Might be more close-minded. Might not see a black person for miles. It's just that you'll never find a nicer family that insists you eat til you're stuffed, allows you to fart, and is okay with being too drunk to fish.

If you need to know, Sara's a city girl. Life is best lived downtown where a quick walk means Border's or a local fave restaurant is nearby. No driving in all different directions only to end up at Wal-Mart. I cannot imagine having to shop at a place that has taught me to hate conformity. While walking through that place with Bald-O, we almost always come across someone we know from the town. With only 600 people for the town's population, you kinda expect that like how easy it is for someone to know who knocked up Betsy-Jo.

As if you need to know, I finally got my issue of Playboy! What took so long? It used to be the first week of the month, a Friday, that it would come. Then, it started the second week. Now, it's the third!?! Ugh. It's no wonder the magazine is going downhill so fast. The same old blonds with big fake tits as we try to figure out why a rapper deserves to be interviewed for more than 10 questions. Actually, this Playboy interviews Dr. Drew and a rarity for Playmates, a brunette.

How did Cindy Margolis shave her pubes to look that perfect? I'm not kidding when her landing strip is so straight that I just had to ask this. Oh, and I'm not complaining because it's nice that a celebrity posing for Playboy reveals her bush. I hate it when a woman deems herself too good to reveal what all us guys really want to see. Tits? As if I've never seen a pair. Ass? It's pretty typical that even a Latina has a nice one. But a bush? Shaved? Bare? What is her husband getting to eat?

So, I'm going to head on up and watch some of USA Network's Burn Notice. My dad got me interested in this little show that could. It's got guns and babes but it's the actress, Gabrielle Anwar that gets my attention. Woman that handles weapons? So there. This is the moment where Sara feels my crotch just to see if I got hard while a lady shoots with two semi-automatics. Happy twats all around.

Fuck It Like A Cheeto

"When white boys get drunk, they go gay right away."

-Me (what I said to my black co-worker)

You know what? I've now been on Blogger for just over a year. Even if I only realized this a day after the actual anniversary, I've got a weird gripe. What happened to my loyal fans from the old blog site? Some followed me while others just cannot seem to find this place. Seriously. Does this spell out that those people are morons? Am I just plain annoying? Too into myself? Before you answer, consider this. Every time I make my 3-month entry at my old blog to keep it alive, people show up. All the time. Just not here. Weird. Unforgivable and I no longer care about how many times their cats need to visit the vet.

Think you've seen it all? Well, have you ever thought about making love to a giant Cheeto? I'll admit that I've had dreams where Britney Spears does it but not I. No sirree. The Ultrarooster just says no to mounting Cheetos no matter how tasty they can be. Sure, they can help a girl by telling her that the boyfriend has obviously been masturbating while she's slaving away at work. That Cheeto dust is hard to get off, yo, but to actually fuck a Cheeto takes major talent.

Right now, I'm just too tired to look for the URL of the video of an obviously lonely man that takes up fucking a giant Cheeto made up of a lot of Cheetos. All I can say is that it is lovely to know that at least one snack food molester is off the streets. It's not fucking but making sweet, sweet love to something we all take for granted. Do you think Cheetos like it rough and bareback? No one loves an orange dick, even those girls that love looking at dicks.

Vacuum cleaners I get but the urge to rub your dick on a Cheeto is a new one.

So, I've got a dilemma that has to do with what I'm doing for the 4th. How about you? Plans? Family coming over? Nonstop booty calls? Lounging in the pool til the kids pee in it? Sara is going to meet Bald-O for the first time. This is going to get very interesting.

Okay, we all know how I get when I'm drunk. Sara's seen it, that moment where I cannot stop myself from singing 80's music. However, it takes a very special man to bring out a different side of me. That man is Bald-O. That music is provided by Lionel Richie. That song is, "Say You, Say Me." Oh, lordy it is sad when we look into each other's eyes.

For all of you new to this blog, Bald-O is my best friend from college. We met there and became attached at the hip at some point. It could be my mouth like when I was drunk and blurted out, "There are some girls you just want to eat out so bad." There were video games gone bad because I killed all my roommates at Bond for the Nintendo 64. No one could beat me when I had that grenade launcher, bitch. There was the jealousy. One of my roommates complained that when he walked with me to class it seemed like every girl said hi to me. 'Tis true. I got laid. A lot. All in all, college went by so fast when Bald-O and I went through it together. Nothing like a roommate attempting suicide to bring everyone together.

And, no, that 'roommate' was not Bald-O.

How the hell am I going to do this? 3 years with Sara so its about time I have my best friend meet her. It's Bald-O so there will be mucho beer and embarrassing stories told to her. The good thing is that Sara's like one of the guys, she'll talk about dicks, pussies, and ass in a way that even I blush. Nothing better than having a girlfriend that loves penises, huh? Or how about one that goes topless at a strip joint? Remember that? I don't think the sight of a row of guys pissing in a field would bother her either.

But it's also about family. Bald-O has his annual July 4th bash where a whole lot of people come to a large hill to talk, see everyone, and let the kids go nuts. Remember the key word is 'kids' because last time I was there I got in trouble for lighting firecrackers from my butt in front of them. Why not? Liven up things, why don't ya? After a large amount of cheeseburgers, a boy gets the urge to make kids giggle.

Oh, and there's lots of embarrassing stories for Sara to know. I walked down to the computer lab not knowing a large amount of shaving cream was on top of my head. Bald-O and Blondie put it there when I was asleep. I still remember being down in that lab trying to find the closest Britney Spears concert so that Bald-O and I could attend. How many times did I get so drunk, said some really weird shit, and had to hear about it the night after? Pretty much every week.

I miss that bastard, seeing as I've not been down there since last year. My mom's happy for all this because it also means Sara's coming here for a short while. Indiana and the next day is all that driving on the 4th. My mom loves to call Sara up just to chat or talk about me. Blah blah blah blah. You know moms everywhere. When they get happy that their boys have settled down on one girl, it becomes the biggest news.

"He can fuck only one! (Hopefully, it's not a Cheeto)"

So, I've basically told you, in my own words, that I had a great day. All went well in the gym, 5-Pound Phooey only chewed out one dog, a very big dog, I might add, Sara showed me a picture of the last sex scene from Showtime's The Tudors (It's H-O-T), and weather has been fabulous. It's always fun when a girl tells you how wet she gets after watching an amazing sex scene from a movie. Happy twats all around.

There Is A Point Here

"Your mom can tell you that you are beautiful but you and I both know that it's possible you're swinging from the Ugly Tree."

-Me

It's Sunday and, for me, that means cleaning up the excessive sweat that continues to pour down my face everyday. Sara would be especially proud to know that I pulled out quite a few asshole hairs while watching Gene Simmons's Family Jewels on A&E. Love that show. Hated realizing I've got a lot of hairs around the ol' brown eye.

Laugh all you want. You and I both know that much of the cleaning up you do around your body is for your mate. Sara enjoys popping the occasional zit that appears on my back or face, especially right before a shower together. We're apes, dammit! Enjoy sitting in front of each other and eating various bugs walking up and down your neck and breasts. See an ant? Gulp it down fast because those fuckers are sour, yo.

Actually, we do not eat bugs off each other. I don't recommend it but only use that as an example as to how far we go in pleasing our mates. Grooming is nice and feels so fucking good when the day has ended. I can sit here at the computer and say to myself, "There are 26 less hairs around my asshole. I smell so fucking good that you'd say my ass is as fine as the Queen's rose garden. No more armpit hairs and 125 less ball hairs. Face stubble is down to nil. My hair? Fucking all over the place just as before. High-five!" Yes, I love my life and will continue to make fun of myself because there is nothing better than a boy with less hairs on his ass. It must suck to be over 35 because I bet the wives have never seen a smooth hiney on their husbands. Ever.

This R. Kelly trial bothers me in a different way than others. While I am very much against child porn, I don't understand why people act like it's this new thing or epidemic that's suddenly causing older males to seek out young girls. Oh, have you seen Myspace? Facebook? Anything where a teenage girl and a camera become one? Thongs for 10-year-olds? You bet! 8-year-olds that go for bikini waxes? L.A. has 'em at a time I would have been freaked out at even a movie poster's actors seeing my penis. Girls, when given cameras, need to be watched very carefully.

Do you want to know why your little girls are whores? Let's go further by taking you to the toy store where their heroes are more into labels rather than reading. Paris Hilton is considered a hero for doing nothing. Trashy mags celebrate celebrities that get drunk and pee in public afterwards. The 50's had classy actors and actresses that dressed well before entering a major restaurant. We have Tara Reid not realizing her recently redone tit pop out. Sensitivity in the nipples doesn't happen for a few weeks, yo.

That's just my way of saying that the world is dumb. People don't realize that kids will do anything for attention because shows are all about that, attention and celebrating stupidity. Look, Joey threw up! Let's devote 3 shows to that and then devote a couple to the woman that poop'd on Flava Flav's stairs. At least, Family Jewels shows how an ego-driven former rock star can create some amusingly observant kids.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just slightly grumpy. Sara's banned me from her apartment this weekend because her messy roommate comes back from Italy on Saturday night. I can understand Friday but I rarely get that much time with her anyway. For instance, how would she feel if I went to Bald-O's on her birthday weekend. It's his annual July 4th bash and I haven't seen him for a long, long time. Sara and her roommate have the week and more. Might bring this up with her because it kind of bugs me to be slighted like that. I'm all for Girls' Night but I'm rarely able to be there so it's like Girls' Night for weeks.

What else have I done? Let's see here...............

Picked up fitness tips for Sara. One of my friends in the gym is an older woman with an amazing body, not too muscular yet feminine in all the right places. 40something woman with 3 kids that drives even the younger guys in my gym nuts means things are going well. Wouldn't that be a gig? 50something and the girls love my manly chest while their husbands need some 'support?'

Talked to a girl that rollerblades in the park 5-Pound Phooey and I walk through. I've seen her around almost everyday now. Shy at first until you say hi. 5-Pound Phooey's pretty much wiped out while I talk about what a lovely dog she is. While many of her farts are silent, they're still deadly during the summer. The rollerblade girl tried to talk to me yesterday but I was in my grumpy mood mode.

How come my newest issue of Playboy has not come?

If you go to Youtube and type in something about the Nintendo's Wii Fit, there are a lot of half-naked girls using it. Wow! My favorite is Playboy's Jo Garcia. That woman has a body that makes me forget about my lust for M&M's. I don't know if I would be able to control myself if given access to the nude Wii Fit segments. A woman with a gorgeously contained pussy bending over for yoga is a dream come true. Others are more about guys showing off how great their girlfriends look while their fat asses sit on the couch. I'm tempted to get a Wii Fit because there's a running segment where you race characters. I hate running but I am very competitive when it comes to video games and, while I don't have much fat on this body, various people have lost 30-50 pounds. Me? I just want the cardio.

So, I must be off to view more on this Jo Garcia gal. Even the selection of cute little panties as she bends over tingle my fashion sense. No old wrinkly college shorts for this girl. We be Wii'ing in style to drive boys crazy over realizing that they need to stop looking at underage girls hinting at more to come and work out. If that doesn't do it, nothing will. Happy twats all around.

Still Lovin' Indy

"It's not the number of years, honey. It's the mileage."

-Indiana Jones

Every now and then, I feel as if my own body has taken its toll. Sure, I'm drenched in sweat and could wring out my bandanna less than an hour in. The piles of heavy materials I am forced to carry adds up. The heat has me watching the ice from the machine melt in less than 50 seconds. Nothing, however, can make me feel like I'm nothing when watching Indiana Jones go from getting kicked out of a truck my Nazis, climb underneath, and then back into the seat to kick the shit out of the guy that kicked him out in the first place. I salute you, Dr. Jones.

I've heard various scenarios as to what Hell is. To me, there is humor in meeting Lucifer all because I have this wonderful personality under pressure so that's out. I'm gonna go with what someone once told me:

"Hell is where you've just had explosive wet diarrhea seconds after popping a squat but forgot to notice that the only t.p. provided amasses to less than a square. Relief is not in sight and the damn thing is clogged up as people start banging around for you to hurry up. You also have no socks because they got soaked from the horrible splashes."

My own personal dreams of horror has more to do with being forced to run on a never ending treadmill. I do love to run on occasion but not forever.

Well, actually, I'm in my own personal turmoil. Sara gave me a men's t-shirt from the Vagina Monologues. Remember that? That was way back in February, the 14th to be exact. The play was nice and Sara gave an amazing performance as a woman that loves to make vaginas happy (who doesn't?). I'm just a tad bit nervous on wearing a t-shirt in front of my mother that bears the word 'vagina' clearly.

It's kind of weird. I've always been in love with the word, 'vagina.' It's pretty damn cool! Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina! You could take it and see it as a disease because the uniqueness in how it sounds tends to breed such a thing. 'Penis' does, too. Plus, V-words are cool, like 'villain,' or 'vixen.' Ya gotta get those naughty words out even if you are clearly telling your mother that, yes, you have seen a vagina as clear as day. It was there in front of me telling me to eat it. Giggles abound! Woman moans and writhes. Woman sighs and is satisfied. Vagina is closed for business.

I hate hearing how so many pets are now being abandoned thanks to families having a hard time in this economy. There is no day like a day spent with 5-Pound Phooey.

Today, some lady stopped her truck in front of me while I walked 5-Pound Phooey. In it, was a small Yorkshire Terrier just like mine. Adorable looking, too. My guess is that the lady wanted to know about 5-Pound Phooey so I put her up to the window to meet this dog riding shotgun. Seconds later, my little 4-legged beast goes apeshit by chewing out the little dog in the truck. Why my dog will never get along with others, I will never know. Attitude is everything.

Plus, a chihuahua sniffed her butt earlier. 5-Pound Phooey doesn't like it when a cold nose ends up pressed against her bunghole.

So, I've got to go after finally being able to watch Raiders Of the Lost Ark on TV. Still the best of the 4 and rightfully so. Witness the playfulness between Indy and Marion. Come for the snakes. Enjoy the interest in archeology. Best of all, it had adventure hardly any movies are able to match. Now, if they would just put Rambo 3 on again, I'd be a very happy testosterone-fueled male. Sara won't let me watch it when she's in the room. Happy twats all around.

Youtube Calls I Answer

"What's the one where Christopher Walken dances?"

-Sara (the answer is Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon Of Choice')

Want to know how Sara and I spent our Monday's late night? Of course, you do! You're a voyeur even if you won't admit to wanting to know every goddamn detail I'm willing to spill out on this blog. I may not be as normal as you. You see, in my dreams, there are unicorns and all the mice play harmonicas while I burst out in song after 6 Bud Lights. I am anything but boring.

It was Youtube that called to me. Sara and I got to talking about various music from the likes of Janet Jackson where I attempted to do that dance from her music video for 'If.' You know that one. It's where you go from side-to-side like an Egyptian painting only to keep your face forward. Hard to do. Impossible to forget. Just watch 'If' to see where I'm getting at. That song's pretty good, no?

Let's see, til somewhere around 3am, Sara and I watched Youtube while in bed. The lineup was as follows:

1). Janet Jackson's 'If'
2). Janet Jackson's 'You Want This'
3). Janet Jackson's 'Again'
4). Madonna's 'Bad Girl'
5). Fatboy Slim's 'Weapon Of Choice'
6). The Spice Girls' Wannabe'
7). The Spice Girls' 2 Become 1'
8). Madonna's 'Take A Bow'

Yeah, a weird lineup. There is nothing like laying in bed laughing or getting a little emotional over old music videos we once were in love with. I'm still that way when it comes to Madonna's songs, though. 'Take A Bow' was my song that described my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, Kristan. Janet Jackson's 'If' just makes me wonder if I'm a girl because I get emotional when I hear that one just as The Spice Girls' '2 Become 1.' To show you how dumb I can be, I didn't realize that one was about sex until much later.

I dunno. Youtube is fun to bring back memories. Did that a lot yesterday night because I thought of a bunch of videos I haven't seen in so long. Don Henley's 'Boys Of Summer' and 'The End Of the Innocense' were the first two. Looked all over for Dire Straits's 'Across the River,' an amazing song. The New Kids On the Block have 'Tonight,' one where I find myself singing a lot to myself today. And last? How pathetic can I get when Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven Is A Place On Earth' makes me feel like I'm rocking out while staring at the screen? C'mon, you know what that's worth? Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth.

See? I don't spend all my time with Sara by arguing over little things. We'll go for walks across the bridge for brunch. Lucky for us, we finished at 4:10, the time for the new Indiana Jones flick. I paid the $25 for brunch so I got rewarded with tickets to see my 4th one in the theater. How many can still remember when Indiana Jones was still mysterious.

So, Mr. Jones? It's a bit better than okay. The sense of danger is gone all thanks to Steven Spielberg now making movies where very little violence exists with guns. My only resource for this lays in hoping that natives are deadly and might know kung fu. Thankfully, that was there while an evil Russian woman played by Cate Blanchett (is she good in everything or what?) does her best to thwart Mr. Jones from saving the day. The ants were a bit corny but fun is in the movie here and there. Love the look on Indiana Jones's face when a guy washes his crotch with a large brush after an incident with radioactive isotopes.

Since I got 2 new books from an old order, I'm going to mingle on over to them now. One's about a photographer being a voyeur of women in various states of undress. Interest inner cover, very detailed images of up-the-skirt views for us to understand how panties and thongs bunch up. I'll discuss later. One that's going to take me a long, long time is the new Batman Encyclopedia. Is this a dream or what!?! Every fucking villain and storyline! As if I need anything new to learn? Well, I did just find out that the X-Men's Collossus has been gay for some time. I don't even have gaydar in my comic books. Happy twats all around.

We Hiss And Piss

"They say we behave like an old married couple."

-Sara (two friends we played against in a game of Trivial Pursuit said that to her)

And so I am back! According to sane forecasters, this summer has to be the absolute worst in history. Not only are we still under Bush's regime (Calgon, take me away!) but massive floodings in the midwest, possible hurricanes for the south, gas prices making fat people ride bikes to Burger Kings everywhere, an old geezer that thinks he should be president and looks like he smells worse than a week-old tampon, and nothing but the topic of gas prices on people's minds while they sit there in air conditioned homes. Ever heard of fucking instead of talking?

It's funny to me. I was begged by my mother not to drive to Indiana due to a storm on its way. Got there just fine. Saturday morning comes along and boy-oh-boy are some people fucked or what!?! The news was all about floodings about an hour away from us. 10-inches of rain from that bastard still worshipped by those that need religion for a crutch. Do you still believe in God? What is your problem in realizing that this might be a way to rid the world of your daily zoning laws that cause me to snooze. Does your god really care if the Marlins win a baseball game or that Slash is a better rocker on Nintendo's Wii than I?

So, what's a weird white boy to do? Play Trivial Pursuit til the wee hours. That's Friday for you, folks. What was supposed to be a short playing of Mario Kart on the Wii turned into a loooooong night of playing 80's Trivial Pursuit against 2 other people. Arguments were had. People were annoyed (me making noise with the die) and I was pretty much drenched in sweat thanks to no air conditioning. Did I give you the impression I had fun? I absolutely loved it! Playing Trivial Pursuit where arguments seemed to come up a lot til 3am is one for the books.

Of course, Sara and I were a team, the winning one thanks to us landing on so many questions about movies. What had me laughing is that the 2 we competed against made it known that she and I act like an old married couple, always bickering or giving dirty looks to each other over something trivial. I say this. If you aint arguing, the relationship is pretty much a bore, no?

I've always thought that Sara and I behaved like Mr. And Mrs. Smith. That movie not only rocked but showed how two people can take marriage and make it a whole other ballgame when the truth of each comes out. From the way I see it, I can be more relaxed about things than Sara. She wanted to watch a small amount of Sex & the City. I was okay. I wanted to watch Rambo. I was not allowed.

So close but yet so far..........

That's just Friday night. Saturday was when all of us got together again and played 90's Trivial Pursuit til the wee hours where my head was barely able to stay on my head. Drunk, too? On those new Bud Light Lime beers. At some point, I got more annoyed with Sara over a few things but those were cleared up later on thanks to long talks into the night. I think she realizes we're pretty much fucked to be together for a long, long time.

I drive her nuts and she likes to play with my nuts.

So, I must be off due to sleepiness. Work, 150 push-ups and sit-ups, and a walk with 5-Pound Phooey really does it in for me. My body is just dead, even after seeing someone I haven't seen since 4th Grade. Is it just me in how I just had to say hello to the first girl to expose herself to me? It was 1st Grade where I saw my first vagina. What's even better? My friend still remembers that moment under the table. My life is anything but boring. Happy twats all around.

Rode With My Mommy

"Oh, the memories! There is nothing like being picked up by Mommy after work where your mind travels back to the first days of kindergarten. Felt like I was 4-inches but I had vigor, baby!"

-Me

At least I have an excuse. When the car's in the shop, you'll ride with anyone. Be it, Bin Laden, Satan, or Hilary Clinton, you'll find me just wanting to get home somehow. Do you think Bin Laden would try to change Satan's choice in easy listening music on the radio? You know the old saying where you are to never touch a black man's radio. What would Satan do?

So, all I hear is this whining about Hillary Clinton getting a bum deal from the Primaries. Oh, how I love it when women suddenly come out of the woodwork to defend things but miss the real issue as to why this woman lost. To me, Hillary always represented herself as a woman that lusted for power. She and her husband played dirty politics at a time where people, even those deemed too stupid to know it, got tired of it all. I'm always irritated by women that come into a very difficult area, proclaim that they are going to get down and play only to tell everyone that there are new rules. Hillary bragged about being in politics, very much traditionally male, only to then cry about things not being fair. If you want to get into a game of tackle football with me and the boys I played with in college, we sure as hell aint changing thing to touch just for you.

What I was thinking at work was this. Obama lost West Virginia majorly, a place that is well-known as being Republican tough since 1964. Fine. A lot of people were interviewed about their particular votes and many stated that Hillary would be the best Democratic candidate. Another fine from me. However, when asked why, a lot of those (and on TV!) told the interviewer that they just don't trust a black man in the White House. All because of race!?! There would be mucho respect from me if Hillary saw these interviews and mentioned how awful things are if voting depended so much on skin color.

Oh, and I've been told that my views on blacks sides with being controversial. Funny thing is that my black friends tend to agree with me on a lot of these things. I'm tired of black leaders ignoring the real problems plaguing the black community, allowing those growing up to dumb themselves down. Grades? It's all about sneakers. Who gives a fuck about grades? Caught by the cops? Play the race card and watch a community divide itself where one side says it's okay for the black teen to tell a cop to go fuck himself. You know things are fucked up when a foreign black guy asks me what's wrong with American black kids.

Obama has it. He looks presidential, talks in sentences where he doesn't dumb himself down (a minor nay because a lot of people are not smart enough to understand political talk), and he's the first candidate that I believe can change things for the better. I've said it once and I'll say it again. Experience? We've spent the last 8 years being led by an idiot leader from Texas that cannot figure out how to put a sentence together. There is a never-ending war being fought where America is going bankrupt all because this idiot thinks God told him to run for president. Did you know the lowest test scoring kids come from Texas?

I'm better now even if the heat made it almost unbearable at work. My tank-top looked like I jumped into a pool with it on. Love it. While I hate sweat, it certainly has a nice usage in making my limbs more movable due to the lubrication provided. Look at it this way. Isn't it nice when your boyfriends squirt lots of lube on their cocks just before shoving them up your cunts or asses? My whole body becomes a slip-n-slide where I could pour water on myself but there would be no difference in how I looked.

As for my car, it is now fine. In fact, in my dad's words, it 'purrs.' Weird. The gas mileage should be nice with this little gadget added to the new radiator and brakes. I don't know cars. What I do know is how to pick up heavy objects and then set them back down. Cars are confusing so I leave these things to the experts around me, my dad and little brother.

Came across a video of a woman on her knees drinking 2 guys' piss. What makes a person wonder what it would be like to go out in a somewhat busy area of backroads, have a girl get on her knees to unzip 2 guys, pull out their penises and drink their piss? I know that it's still kind of new to me that some women do enjoy watching guys urinate (women talk about the most interesting things in blogs) but this woman confuses me. Is it the humiliation that she gets off on? I've driven backroads and interstates a whole lot but never saw something where a woman coos about her tank top getting wet from guys peeing on her.

So, next on the summer movie list? Gotta be Angelina Jolie's Wanted. Oh, how I put off reading that graphic novel for so long for fear of being let down. While the movie's trailer doesn't get to me as much, I'm hoping that there are some things kept in it that come from the graphic novel itself. The wimp discovers he has major powers and ends up saving himself from a life of major loss of feeling in control. Did you know the so-called good guy is really a bad guy? Really! What makes Wanted so fierce is that all the heroes were killed off and the world is now ruled by the bad guys. One is named after a pile of shit.

Well, I must be off to rest my weary head. I've been playing around in it when it comes to my idea of a threesome or orgy. That is so coming up soon here. It's time to stop playing around and write one of those mad entries where things really come out, nothing nice but all naughty. Put away the political talk. No telling me how the new Indiana Jones rocked. Why is it that Sara has me thinking/planning as to what makes a night where 2 women pass around my cock for major knob slobbing fun? Two bent over and I take my time tearing their pussies apart because screaming turns me on? Scary to think all that comes from a guy that made cutesy noises to his dog during another haircut performed on her. Happy twats all around.

I've Got Blues

"Sometimes the bar eats you."

-The Big Lebowski

After flying pretty high for the beginning of the week, I'm now a little down. C'mon, life isn't all about just fun, fun, fun til Daddy takes the T-bird away. Instead, Monday's about excess rain. Tuesday's about the flooding after the rain where a small dog had to paddle through the portion draining out of the lake. Wednesday is finding out that you need a new radiator for the car because the damn thing is leaking. Can't a pathetic white boy get a break, yo?

So, I'm sitting here sipping on some sort of 10% juice thing by Minute Maid. While others hit the bottle to make TV watching a little bit smoother, I'm off in my own sort of la-la land drinking something I normally don't drink. It's always about the 100% juice because it's healthier. Oh, who am I kidding!?! I left my damn Coronas at Sara's apartment.

Thankfully, I have a dad that understands cars. Watching him outside working on the radiator makes me wonder if maybe he does care more about me than I thought. Yeah, I'm his blood and all that but we rarely talk, etc. So what is it that something like this has him springing to his feet and helping? Even if I really wish he'd put more effort on fixing his health. Watching someone eat all day bothers me a lot.

I know. I revealed it before as to why I have a major problem with obesity. Why don't people care about themselves a bit more? There are those that are close to these people that constantly eat themselves to death. Heart attacks? I've come home to find my dad being taken away in an ambulance. Beat that, fucker.

Fact: Did you know I have to work out thanks to my own heart issues? In my old blog, I admitted to having a very serious problem with cholesterol clogging me up if I don't do some sort of activity. What better motivation than death?

Hoping I get to Indiana this weekend. I'm thinking that Sara's email entails she is not wanting to do the hiking, canoeing, and various activities at a friend's farm located just under 2 hours away. Me, too. While I don't have any major issues with being outside, now is not the time thanks to 90 degrees coming on strong. Some of us like to smell good. If it were 50-60 degrees, count me in. I'm all for the possibility of someone being insane enough to skinnydip at such a temperature.

Funny. Right now I realize how my dad and I seem to both have this tendency to do something. I mean, we HAVE TO have something to do or we become bored. Many can veg out on the couch. I'm wandering around or taking out trash or even vacuuming. The sight of a man vacuuming is porn to women.

So, that's the human side of me tonight. It's either Wednesday or Thursday that I get kind of down. If I didn't have a girlfriend to curl up next to at night, there would be a case of venom spitting out of this mouth and onto this blog.

And this is where I leaveth you. One of the coolest things in the world is seeing row of guys sitting together and waiting for work to start. In comes a girl with a fine ass. All eyes go to her bottom as she walks away. High-fives all around. Ladies know the power of a good booty. My own dog has issues with me since she is very sensitive about trimming the hair around her feet. It's almost like I hurt her feelings because 5-Pound Phooey wanted nothing to do with me afterwards. After much nudging and me tugging her ears with my mouth, she came back.

And We Are Now Topless!

"Let's get sweaty!"

-Semi Pro

That's starting to be my motto each morning here. When 8pm rolls around, every article of clothing in a drenched state is clinging to me. Work is just to start, then it's off to the gym, but it's only after I get back from walking 5-Pound Phooey that I can peel things off of me. It used to be that I hated all this but am now getting used to it all. Maybe the heat can be a good thing. Makes the bath water look a lot more interesting as I lay there taking in its soothing massages.

Had an interesting walk today. Due to the early sudden 2-inches of rain that fell, pretty much the whole lake flooded. Fascinating to look at. Horrible to cross because I couldn't finish the route unless I got a little wet. Yuck. Walked into the smallest portion of lake all while wearing my old Air Jordan 5's. 5-Pound Phooey, very unhappy, used a small amount of swimming ability. I knew my dog has talents and talks a lot of trash but that was new. Wouldn't mind it if a small fish came up and bit her on the ass.

Oh, and for those of you that have read me for a long time, yes, it's the season where I go for walks topless. The jaw dropping started the day I started. Who knew that a man's nipples can excite the ladies like that? With a pectoralis (chest, dummy) like this, there is no way I am running. Baywatch for women is not what I'm about. Then again, 5-Pound Phooey would tell you that a part of this is because of her fancy new 'do.

Go ahead, I love to bring about this idea that I have no shame. I'm in a good mood. You see, the sex with Sara last time was so good I can't wait to make her pussy see stars again. Summer brings a weirdness in me. While the allergies annoy here and there, the blood flows throughout me so well that I've got a need to release all this sexual energy. Since Sara is pretty much a nymphomaniac, she loves to take it all in as it cums. Gas prices might have something to do with it, too, since no one wants to fill up to go someplace. Just fuck.

But then there are the things that bring us back to reality. The nerve of having to get oil changes. This is one thing I absolutely hate, getting an oil change. There's more to it than just that thanks to this place I go to and I only like to keep my car in as good of shape as I can keep it before dumping it in 2 or more months. Yeah, I've got plans that have me never paying for gas again thanks to Volkswagon.

If you are a fan of black humor, might I suggest Showtime's Weeds? Hilarious here and there with a weird way of bringing you in fast. Years ago, a little-known show called Veronica Mars made me its bitch all thanks to one episode. Weeds did that, too, and I fell in love with our suburban widow turned weed dealer that could, Nancy. You see, Nancy has a tendency to get herself in a lot of trouble all thanks to the family and friends around her. Various people want into all the money making or they're there to blackmail her. I've always been a fan of humor that doesn't sit well with the aging group of blowhards that think life is about doing the right thing all the time. How can you not see the humor in a brother losing his toe to a dog only to become a porn star for a certain variety of foot fetish people that like those with less than 5 toes on a foot? An orgasm just isn't possible with more than 4, dammit! Does a scary Eskimo do it for you? How about if he's a bounty hunter that leaves a 12-year-old at a convenience center with the keys to a van?

Yeah, I bought Weeds Season 3 today at Best Buy. Had to. My dad and I are nuts about it all while salivating at the 4th one coming up. Is it okay to be impressed that your girlfriend recognizes the porn star Lexington Steele and his 13-inch dick? Well, he makes a guest appearance.

So, I hope that does it for you tonight, folks. I've got another 3 days of sweatiness to roll me out of the week. Hoping that Sara got a job. What else? I smell good right now. Finished X Rated Bloodsuckers and am now on Kama Sutra Of the Undead. It's not exactly a porno vampire book series but one where the private-eye just so happens to be one. It helps when your partner wants to try out all the positions just to see you reach for an ice pack to place on your crotch afterwards. I've had that happen before. Not going there. Happy twats all around.

Insert Lost Boy Joke Here

Me: "Just how many people know about the size of my balls?"

Sara: "Uh....everyone?"

Ah, yes, I had to have another discussion with Sara about some things that come up over and over again. I almost forgot how I had to listen to her tell me the size of a penis belonging to a friend of hers. The haps is that at some point the size and girth of girls' boyfriends' purple headed yogurt slingers come up for a discussion or two. For me, it's always about the balls. Sometimes, I wish she'd share some of my girth.

Well, this has been a very busy weekend! How many of y'all just suddenly decide to cut your dog's hair? I'm not sure if it was the Don't Mess With Zohan movie trailers or my own insanity on a hot weekend that brought this on. There is nothing like witnessing a small amount of thrill in being a hairdresser within. But there I was with dog standing on couch as I snipped, snipped there, and snipped all over to make a completely hairy dog look like a million bucks. It's no joke. 5-Pound Phooey looks damn good.

You know what's funny? Taking your dog out for a walk after her getting a new 'do really livens her up. It's almost like a Sex And the City episode where the character wants to show off her new Jimmy Choos or something. 5-Pound Phooey knows she looks good and wants everyone else to know it. That's probably why she chewed out a beagle-mix. When it comes to 5-Pound Phooey, she demands attention.

Of course, we got the daily smacked-by-the-cat moments. Little dog jumps up to look in the window while the cat does its best to layeth-the-smacketh down with some paw power.

Gas prices may be what everyone's complaining about. Sure, it hits me hard when it comes to driving out to Indiana. There's not much else for me to discuss. There is warmth within me when I see a lardass attempt to ride a bicycle again in order to get her from Point A to Point B. In other words, there's a good chance McDonald's is going to be dinner again but there is no drive-thru. No matter how many times the bike's bell rings, a fat chick just cannot get her onion rings.

I'm going to ask a simple question. Why do you need to go anywhere? I mean, work is over. Dinner is done. Hells bells, why can't you just stay home and enjoy what you have? Read a book instead of driving aimlessly to cure boredom. Did you ever think of having sex? This is your house, gas prices are high so why not burn off a few calories by being bent over the kitchen sink and taking it up the ass again? Last weekend, when Sara and I needed to go anywhere, it was by walking. When things cooled down, we had sex. It's that simple. We didn't have to throw away money and burned several hundred calories when she insisted I pound her pussy into stars.

There are funny moments. I walk down the hall to find my mother asking me if I knew who just called. Me not paying attention to things, I didn't even know someone had called. It was Sara that talked to my mom. Not me. My mother. I'll admit to laughing a bit because it was mostly about the bad weather, a horrible storm that hit hard for a short period of time. The impression I got was that Sara was hiding in the bathroom with the cat during it all. The apartment contains Sara, a cat, and the ghost. I'm sure it was in the bathroom as well.

Brown people like to play a lot of cricket. I very rarely see brown people unless it has to do with walking near an insurance company or playing this sport in the park. Only once have I see the wives/girlfriends of these amazing athletes in button downs talking like ants are crawling up their butts.

So, I must be off to read another exciting chapter in my new book, X-Rated Bloodsuckers. Not many authors have had the combination of vampires and the porno industry to write about. Obviously, they both suck. Dumb joke but it had to be done. Could you picture a young Keifer Sutherland from The Lost Boys saying something like that? He'd be asked to get off the boardwalk only to hunt you the fuck down, amigo. Happy twats all around.