Fuck It Like A Cheeto

"When white boys get drunk, they go gay right away."

-Me (what I said to my black co-worker)

You know what? I've now been on Blogger for just over a year. Even if I only realized this a day after the actual anniversary, I've got a weird gripe. What happened to my loyal fans from the old blog site? Some followed me while others just cannot seem to find this place. Seriously. Does this spell out that those people are morons? Am I just plain annoying? Too into myself? Before you answer, consider this. Every time I make my 3-month entry at my old blog to keep it alive, people show up. All the time. Just not here. Weird. Unforgivable and I no longer care about how many times their cats need to visit the vet.

Think you've seen it all? Well, have you ever thought about making love to a giant Cheeto? I'll admit that I've had dreams where Britney Spears does it but not I. No sirree. The Ultrarooster just says no to mounting Cheetos no matter how tasty they can be. Sure, they can help a girl by telling her that the boyfriend has obviously been masturbating while she's slaving away at work. That Cheeto dust is hard to get off, yo, but to actually fuck a Cheeto takes major talent.

Right now, I'm just too tired to look for the URL of the video of an obviously lonely man that takes up fucking a giant Cheeto made up of a lot of Cheetos. All I can say is that it is lovely to know that at least one snack food molester is off the streets. It's not fucking but making sweet, sweet love to something we all take for granted. Do you think Cheetos like it rough and bareback? No one loves an orange dick, even those girls that love looking at dicks.

Vacuum cleaners I get but the urge to rub your dick on a Cheeto is a new one.

So, I've got a dilemma that has to do with what I'm doing for the 4th. How about you? Plans? Family coming over? Nonstop booty calls? Lounging in the pool til the kids pee in it? Sara is going to meet Bald-O for the first time. This is going to get very interesting.

Okay, we all know how I get when I'm drunk. Sara's seen it, that moment where I cannot stop myself from singing 80's music. However, it takes a very special man to bring out a different side of me. That man is Bald-O. That music is provided by Lionel Richie. That song is, "Say You, Say Me." Oh, lordy it is sad when we look into each other's eyes.

For all of you new to this blog, Bald-O is my best friend from college. We met there and became attached at the hip at some point. It could be my mouth like when I was drunk and blurted out, "There are some girls you just want to eat out so bad." There were video games gone bad because I killed all my roommates at Bond for the Nintendo 64. No one could beat me when I had that grenade launcher, bitch. There was the jealousy. One of my roommates complained that when he walked with me to class it seemed like every girl said hi to me. 'Tis true. I got laid. A lot. All in all, college went by so fast when Bald-O and I went through it together. Nothing like a roommate attempting suicide to bring everyone together.

And, no, that 'roommate' was not Bald-O.

How the hell am I going to do this? 3 years with Sara so its about time I have my best friend meet her. It's Bald-O so there will be mucho beer and embarrassing stories told to her. The good thing is that Sara's like one of the guys, she'll talk about dicks, pussies, and ass in a way that even I blush. Nothing better than having a girlfriend that loves penises, huh? Or how about one that goes topless at a strip joint? Remember that? I don't think the sight of a row of guys pissing in a field would bother her either.

But it's also about family. Bald-O has his annual July 4th bash where a whole lot of people come to a large hill to talk, see everyone, and let the kids go nuts. Remember the key word is 'kids' because last time I was there I got in trouble for lighting firecrackers from my butt in front of them. Why not? Liven up things, why don't ya? After a large amount of cheeseburgers, a boy gets the urge to make kids giggle.

Oh, and there's lots of embarrassing stories for Sara to know. I walked down to the computer lab not knowing a large amount of shaving cream was on top of my head. Bald-O and Blondie put it there when I was asleep. I still remember being down in that lab trying to find the closest Britney Spears concert so that Bald-O and I could attend. How many times did I get so drunk, said some really weird shit, and had to hear about it the night after? Pretty much every week.

I miss that bastard, seeing as I've not been down there since last year. My mom's happy for all this because it also means Sara's coming here for a short while. Indiana and the next day is all that driving on the 4th. My mom loves to call Sara up just to chat or talk about me. Blah blah blah blah. You know moms everywhere. When they get happy that their boys have settled down on one girl, it becomes the biggest news.

"He can fuck only one! (Hopefully, it's not a Cheeto)"

So, I've basically told you, in my own words, that I had a great day. All went well in the gym, 5-Pound Phooey only chewed out one dog, a very big dog, I might add, Sara showed me a picture of the last sex scene from Showtime's The Tudors (It's H-O-T), and weather has been fabulous. It's always fun when a girl tells you how wet she gets after watching an amazing sex scene from a movie. Happy twats all around.