Insert Lost Boy Joke Here

Me: "Just how many people know about the size of my balls?"

Sara: "Uh....everyone?"

Ah, yes, I had to have another discussion with Sara about some things that come up over and over again. I almost forgot how I had to listen to her tell me the size of a penis belonging to a friend of hers. The haps is that at some point the size and girth of girls' boyfriends' purple headed yogurt slingers come up for a discussion or two. For me, it's always about the balls. Sometimes, I wish she'd share some of my girth.

Well, this has been a very busy weekend! How many of y'all just suddenly decide to cut your dog's hair? I'm not sure if it was the Don't Mess With Zohan movie trailers or my own insanity on a hot weekend that brought this on. There is nothing like witnessing a small amount of thrill in being a hairdresser within. But there I was with dog standing on couch as I snipped, snipped there, and snipped all over to make a completely hairy dog look like a million bucks. It's no joke. 5-Pound Phooey looks damn good.

You know what's funny? Taking your dog out for a walk after her getting a new 'do really livens her up. It's almost like a Sex And the City episode where the character wants to show off her new Jimmy Choos or something. 5-Pound Phooey knows she looks good and wants everyone else to know it. That's probably why she chewed out a beagle-mix. When it comes to 5-Pound Phooey, she demands attention.

Of course, we got the daily smacked-by-the-cat moments. Little dog jumps up to look in the window while the cat does its best to layeth-the-smacketh down with some paw power.

Gas prices may be what everyone's complaining about. Sure, it hits me hard when it comes to driving out to Indiana. There's not much else for me to discuss. There is warmth within me when I see a lardass attempt to ride a bicycle again in order to get her from Point A to Point B. In other words, there's a good chance McDonald's is going to be dinner again but there is no drive-thru. No matter how many times the bike's bell rings, a fat chick just cannot get her onion rings.

I'm going to ask a simple question. Why do you need to go anywhere? I mean, work is over. Dinner is done. Hells bells, why can't you just stay home and enjoy what you have? Read a book instead of driving aimlessly to cure boredom. Did you ever think of having sex? This is your house, gas prices are high so why not burn off a few calories by being bent over the kitchen sink and taking it up the ass again? Last weekend, when Sara and I needed to go anywhere, it was by walking. When things cooled down, we had sex. It's that simple. We didn't have to throw away money and burned several hundred calories when she insisted I pound her pussy into stars.

There are funny moments. I walk down the hall to find my mother asking me if I knew who just called. Me not paying attention to things, I didn't even know someone had called. It was Sara that talked to my mom. Not me. My mother. I'll admit to laughing a bit because it was mostly about the bad weather, a horrible storm that hit hard for a short period of time. The impression I got was that Sara was hiding in the bathroom with the cat during it all. The apartment contains Sara, a cat, and the ghost. I'm sure it was in the bathroom as well.

Brown people like to play a lot of cricket. I very rarely see brown people unless it has to do with walking near an insurance company or playing this sport in the park. Only once have I see the wives/girlfriends of these amazing athletes in button downs talking like ants are crawling up their butts.

So, I must be off to read another exciting chapter in my new book, X-Rated Bloodsuckers. Not many authors have had the combination of vampires and the porno industry to write about. Obviously, they both suck. Dumb joke but it had to be done. Could you picture a young Keifer Sutherland from The Lost Boys saying something like that? He'd be asked to get off the boardwalk only to hunt you the fuck down, amigo. Happy twats all around.