Mr. Not Ducks

"Do you know what 'feeding the ducks' means?"

-Me

I was supposed to be at a funeral today. There is a reason for my major mistake of being at work instead. My manager. The mean 'little boy' that insists he rules all would never allow me to take a day off so suddenly. Sure, I could call in sick or hurt but it's too soon in the week for that. I'm hoping my sore ankle and tired upper back can hold out til I have to leave on Friday for Indiana. Yes, I feel bad that I wasn't able to attend the funeral but you really have to see this boy king.

Here it is as best as I can put it. A friend from high school that I graduated with died last week. It was a Monday evening where his body was found in my gym's locker room. Heart attack. Weird, considering how young he is. Not surprising to me in how this once very muscular guy, now a bit puffy, looked like he pushed his body a bit too far each night. The number of standing bicep lifts and squats were major. Still, he was a bit on the puffy side with a round face that once was attached to the body of a young Mike Tyson.

How well did I know him? Somewhat. I'd run into him every 2-3 months. Sometimes, it was more because he'd come into the gym around the time I was about to leave. We'd always say hi to each other. Even high school was kind of weird. Many of our blacks didn't hang with the whites so much but this guy did. Ignore that body and those enormous tattoos. The boy was goofy as fuck and fun to be around.

To the girl with the warped mind that hints I might be racist. In my high school, I hung around a lot of different types of people and, yes, there were a lot of blacks, male and female. It was weird to just get along with almost everyone but I did. While many whites would be scared off by the types I knew, nothing really fazed me. These were the black guys that everyone would think were gang members thanks to their styles and tattoos. Show them some pathetic white boy moves and, boy, you are stylin'! What I am critical of is how a vast majority of black teens do not see how stupid their behavior is. It's gotten to the point that I wonder if they even try to learn in today's world or just give up in hopes of becoming the greatness rappers talk about, bragging about nothing.


I should have been at the funeral and, yes, that was all I thought about at work today. I signed the memorial, though. Hopefully, all 240 pounds is still smilin' on me.

So, 'feeding the ducks' comes up because an Asian girl walked with me today. 5-Pound Phooey was amusing enough to her that she took her earphones out to talk as we passed her by. Her sweatsuit top to force the body to perspire more got my attention. The whole thing was mutual that we had to walk together where we ended up at the park's bridge to feed the ducks. I asked her if she knew what the term meant and instantly got a laugh. Of course, she knew. All Asian women find this funny.

'Feeding the ducks' is when an Asian woman cuts off her cheating husband's penis and feeds it to the ducks. That way, once it's down the ducks' throat, there will be no chance for him to get it reattached. Too bad the infamous Mrs. Bobbit didn't realize this. Instead, the cops used a cocker spaniel to find the damn penis after it was thrown out the window of her car.

Bad joke. I know.

I cannot imagine a morning where I am awakened by the usual swelling of morning wood only to look down and see that the damn thing aint there. It's very rare to not have to press down on the penis's base in order to not pee on the windows first thing in the morning.

So, there you go. I'm in my usual state of frustration. Oh, how I'd love to be completely passed out on the floor like so many of these college girls. What makes a person want to share a picture of themselves passed out with their thongs very visible and drool coming out? Is it really funny when a girl pees her jeans and shows everyone the massive puddle? That all reminds me of how I first realized a drunken woman can piss like a racehorse. My friend told me to hold her panties while she pulled up her skirt to bend over and release the most amazing pee stream that nailed the wall in the alley. It was a day that I suddenly became one of those boys that realized that women do not pee by magic after all even if it seemed like the whole area was one giant mass of steam afterwards. Happy twats all around.