Gone Nerdy

"I don't think you know the difference between a sneeze and a wet fart."

-Varsity Blues

This whole problem with the senator, Larry Craig, brings up a question I always have. Why would a gay man want to be a Republican? Gays are not welcomed by bible thumping greedy sociopaths that pat each other on the back all while destroying the earth. You'll constantly hear old men sound off on how homosexuality is a sin all while you and I, the less gullible, know the truth. Even 70-year-old bastards have that wink in their eye on how much they enjoy a nice lubed up dick in their ass as they sit there in the comfort of a leather chair paid for by us taxpayers. Don't be fooled. Senators find the time to slap a hairy ass even if they seem to grab the mic for hours to tell us what they are doing is wrong.

"Lookin' for a little slap and tickle?"

I love the Internet, at times. It just begs me to wonder how a guy can find so much time trolling Photobucket and Flicker in order to collect 1,000's of digital pictures of girls in just their thongs. This guy should be given the key to my city and a bag of Twizzlers because his taste in asses is amazing even if I still have trouble finding the reason a girl wants a piece of string up her most sensitive area. Oh, the skid marks must be marvelous!

As for me, I'm stumped as to why I have so many spider bites. Yessirree, woke up this morning to an enormous amount of itching. Little red marks with obvious points of entry for fangs got me scratching my head. After all that preaching for spider rites, you'd think they'd give me a little slap and tickle. I am so not sleeping in the nude, as I once did, because morning wood is annoying when undies are involved in pressing it down. I'm not one to scratch my dick in public. Adjust it, yes. Scratch? No.

Saw my first woodpecker! Amazingly beautiful bird, folks! I'm not sure why I just decided to follow what would appear to be a normal bird but I'm lucky. This black/white with a red mohawk bird landed on the front of a house and pecked away. Wish I had a digital camera but......

The Nintendo Wii came first. I know, I know I don't need a new video game system but I bought it to get my mom involved as well. The tennis game might get her into being more involved with working out. My mom, heavily involved with Soduku puzzles, needs to get up and move, yo. Yes, the system is addictive and people have been known to lose 9 pounds a month from play. Mum's gotta shake her ass like her mum gave her.

Best Buy is Best Buy. If they're not throwing magazine subscriptions at you, they're selling useless warranties. Damn, if the machine doesn't work, I'll take it back but to try and sell me 2-years is pretty at $40 is sneaky. This is the first time I've experienced this and, yes, it annoys me how the store constantly makes me feel like an idiot for not giving in after 3 years of saying no to a subscription to 'Sports Illustrated.' I look like a jock. I fucking get it. I'm a dork inside that is slowly being pulled into trying Guitar Hero like the fat homeless useless morons holding a small plastic guitar you see in Best Buy once you walk in. They are sad until they start pressing to "Something To Believe In" by Poison.

I miss the nights where we had the massive spider webs all around the backyard. I've only seen 1 large spider so far but that's because it's slightly on the cool side tonight. Spiders die in the cold very easily.

I, on the other hand, still dream of being able to stick to the sides of buildings like Spiderman. Flying would be cool, too, but I just like thinking about how nice it would be to get around certain obstacles and scare nude sunbathers.

So, I hope y'all are having a great Labor Day Weekend. I'll be gone next weekend, seeing as it's my birthday time. Sara got spoiled with expensive drinks and dinner so it's only fair that I hope for fine Italian. Mickey D's no more. I'll be expecting you to notice I'm hanging out with a new crowd, snobs at Macy's. I still look good naked and allow my inner dork out on weekday evenings. Happy twats all around.