I'm Gonna Ass You Nicely

"The woods are lovely
dark and deep.
And I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep."

-Robert Frost (as heard in Death Proof)

Aint that the shit, yo? You find yourself completely calm after a day spent doing everything, shopping, a little of the usual upkeep, and time spent staring at people you think might be worse than England's soccer hooligans.

Oh, how I love orientations. Yes, I have myself a j-o-b so Lil Miss Ball-Breaker can keep her lips zipped up. The best part is looking around at people you may or may not be working with to help keep the ship running. We've got thugs, pretty girls, Nascar addicts, and black guys unafraid to wear colors that in the 80's would have considered them gay. Ah, loves the uneducated and their wacky ways to seduce my mind! Gimme more!

I start work next week, 2 hours of training and then I'm on my own. Nice, huh? I'll be making more than Sara, something I've already mentioned to her that has her annoyed. While there are those of you wondering why I'm happy, I'll make it known as to why. My old job was one of the worst where I had to deal with the most idiotic of co-workers you've ever seen. The generation I started with had enough by the time I was on my 3rd year. Me, I was complaining after the second thanks to people that would make you run away, Clown and Crotch Rot.

Note: As much as I hate to say this, Sammy, you would not enjoy working near a person that bathes only once every 2 weeks. It's nice that you seem to be able to handle the smell of underarm odor or ass better than I, it's still a polite thing to clean yourself up before going to work. Customers are best kept by promoting a form of cleanliness. The smell of ass is personified if you have to work with him/her on a ladder and your face is underneath that stinky ass.

Oh, how I miss the potential for disaster. New work. New people. New methods. New ways to stay alive. It's all here as I get through the 5-day a week grind where my spoiled days of just driving off to Indiana come to an end. Weekends. Oh, how Sara is not happy with all this because, yes, there are moments where a girl just wants to be fucked silly in her bed. Ah, be the man when there is something in the air.

Namely, an ass in need of deep penetration after watching a TV show on a fictional serial killer.

As for shopping, I had to get my piano-playing-hands on Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. Ever seen it? Quentin and Robert Rodriguez tried to bring back the old days of grindhouses where the movie prints were scratched and sound distorted. Trust me. If you've ever had the amazing experience of being forced to watch a film or short put upon you by a projector, you'll get it. Then again, you could have been one of those that bragged about attending a New York movie theater in the 70's where you ended up stuck to the seat thanks to a large 'wet spot' you hope was some Mike N Ikes. It's amazing how places like that, including the porno palaces, are considered to be a part of history.

I liked Death Proof. Some called it a bit as being too 'talky' and not enough action. Hello? This movie is about a bunch of girls stalked by a mad stuntdriver that uses his car to kill. When you get a bunch of girls together, something I know A LOT about, the place is always noisy and full of squeals and giggles. This is the sex that tells us guys we are a bunch of perverts when deep discussions on which boyfriend has the biggest balls/dick/ejaculation constantly come up to a roar of more giggles. Either those or the dreaded downer of tampon talks. Nothing sends boys running away like bringing up who's flowing and which tampon glides in best.

Note: Boys only know dirt, talk about football, and who's mom they'd like to fuck when given a list.

But Death Proof is pretty neat. I'm used to being around a large sect of girls since Sara has her friends all get together every now and then. We talk pussy, dicks, and movies in a way that you'd be jealous. No one's afraid of using 4-letter words or of offending each other. It's all been said and done but when you add a serial killer with a 'death proof' car, it gets fun. Baby, I never thought they'd bring back Kurt Russell as the coolest cat but they did. There's something about a character that enjoys tickling a girl's foot prior to trying to kill her a few hours later. How many serial killers do the ol' tickle thing?

Yeah, I felt kind of ripped off that they didn't include the other flick with Death Proof, Planet Terror. I was more into that one because I enjoy the occasional zombie flick where a girl loses her leg only to add a machine gun in its place. But how many people can handle sitting there for almost 4 hours as they did to watch Grindhouse? Times have changed since the 70's as the digital age has us bring work home with us or the freeways are too clogged up to get home on time.

Found a neat little blog written by a porn star. I'm always finding weird stuff thanks to the people that spend their days/nights looking for something to jerk off to. If you look past the graphic pictures of her having sex with her husband, peeing on each other, panties with 'skid marks,' upclose butthole pics, and the occasional cum bubbles, it's pretty good. Why? Let's just say that pets, those with personalities, can make anything better. How many times have my socks and undies been stolen by my dogs? Remember that the only reason I do like porn stars in interviews is because many are so unguarded in what they say that it's refreshing to find someone not so manufactured as they are in Hollywood. How many of you want to ask Britney if she's a drug addict or just plain retarded?

My brother still has not given me my birthday card. Is it any wonder I look forward to him leaving for North Carolina next week? My mom wants me to keep in touch by email but why? He doesn't talk to me and doesn't seem to care about this family that I don't even know him. While I'm used to a small family, I find myself seeing Sara's parents as more like friends that take the place of what I wanted. Dad and I discuss football just like he misses having some testosterone in that house. Even the cats are all female. What's a armchair quarterback to do? Grab Ultrarooster and sit him down in the living room to yell at the screen with, that's what!

So, I'm outta here as I debate whether I am going to Indiana Friday. The girls have tickets for a play that Sara wishes I could attend with them. Worried about me being alone for up to 2 hours? Please, boys enjoy a little freedom away from girls at some point during the day. Remember how I shaved myself out of boredom? Things like that happen when a boy is bored, alone, and away from his girlfriend but these things need to take place. We have to learn that girls will not always be there to insist we used shaving cream for stunts like that. Happy twats all around.