Loved By A Mantis

Me: "Well, when I go see my girlfriend, I'm usually, at some point, slammed up against the wall and *imitates buttocks being smacked hard*."

David: "You lucky sonofabitch!"

Me: "Why? Everyone else says I'm crazy."

David: "That kind of girl's a keeper."

-An actual conversation I had with a fellow gym-goer that made me laugh. Out of all the people I tell these things to, David's the only one that thinks being dominated is a good thing. Actually, Sara and I are learning to take turns. After 2.5 years, we're only learning to do this. Go figure.

Okay, so I'm a little bit of a nasty tongue infection you wish would shut up. I've certainly heard that before, namely in the middle of my Women In Society class where 27 girls and me, being the only male, gave it his all in explaining various things I see right and wrong between the sexes. My favorite was after I was called on by the teacher (She loved me, by the way) and said, "This is what I have to say about that." One girl let out a loud sigh and said:

"Oh, no."

There are moments of complete sweetness that I tend to find most luxurious. Today, while walking 5-Pound Phooey, I came across a large praying mantis sitting on a park bench. Why it expected a conversation with the man next to it, I will never know. Then again, the praying mantis could be wanting a sip of his large espresso. Wouldn't that be nice? Drinking something to wake up only to be staring deep into the eyes of a bug that can turn its head around 360 degrees?

I picked it up. Not one to turn down making the day a little different, I cupped the praying mantis into the palm of my hand and watched it during my walk. Of course, that meant being careful when my little dog enjoys eating bugs. Cicadas may be a delicacy that I allow her but not a bug that I take a fancy to. I'd let my face get real close to look into its eyes as I walked through the park. Apparently, my nose is hideous enough to be hit by large pincers demanding me to back off. I so love a fighter completely out of its element but declined the invitation by placing the mantis in a bed of flowers. Yes, there will be some pandemonium in there but, according to 5-Pound Phooey, life's all about chasing Himalayan Persian cats.

That's not all. As I walked out of Border's during my usual Tuesday look-see, I was caught by 2 of the most gorgeous dark eyes ever. It's when you need to stand there for over 3 seconds that you realize you are in love again. There was a little Boston terrier puppy that was just begging for someone to crouch down and give it some love. Actually, 'give' is not the correct word but more like 'allow' it to gently tug on my ears and nose. I've not seen a puppy in a while so I had to sit there on the sidewalk and be given some doggie kisses. Puppy breath. Why does it have to disappear?

Funny how this large city has me run into a lot of people I know throughout my life. The owner of the puppy is a lady from my gym. We may not have talked to each other, only crossed paths, but we recognize each other easily. Stick with me and there'll always be someone trying to tell me I know him or her. I'm lovin' it but I wish someone would sit me down and insist on buying me a beer.

Nice day to find Keira Knightley doing press for her 2 new movies, Antonement and Silk. I'll have to get my butt into the theater whenever I can sit still these days. I'm hoping the rumors of seeing her bush are just that, rumors. Let's just say that I'm protective of a remarkable actress that can stun me just like puppies staring at me when I walk out of bookstores. Nice of Keira to knock Britney Spears off the cover of 'Allure.' Take that, you white trash junkie!

Work is work. Still, I am in training for 1 more day. Today was kind of fun because we took a class on dealing with explosives. Nothing like knowing we can all die if someone fucks up. Nothing like knowing it could be the result of a weird white boy with arms of steel and a very strange sense of humor that once downed a thing of soy sauce on a drunken dare.

Yup, we're all gonna die.

I'm kind of nervous at how I'm going to get eased into all this. New hours for working out since I'll be home in the early evening. No more seeing the usual oddballs and various people I work out with. It'll be me in the evening with college girls just getting off work to prove to Daddy that she doesn't need his money. Not too fucking bad, eh? Actually, it's true because I see less and less guys in my gym these days.

Football.

Love getting my picture taken when I'm too distracted to think about it. "Hey, bitch! Look here!" Hate it when it's all boring-like when I cannot show the finely crafted bottle of beer that somehow was tractor beamed into my hand. Nope, I'm getting a badge for work but hate the picture of myself. Gawd, I'm big! At least, I didn't smile.

So, I'm outta here but tomorrow I might get into why Tyra Banks has pissed me off again. Just how warped is this former supermodel? Nobody disses a love'd sex researcher. Nobody. Just as I hate hearing people say, "What about the children?" there is that other one just as bad. "What about the old people?" You'd think they've never heard about sex these days. There are bunches of old ladies out there that have had oranges or cucumbers stuffed up their pussies. It's always the quiet ones with the bedpans, these days. More on this later. Happy twats all around.