I'll Stand Over Here

"Young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly, knows what she wants to be
Inside her, there's longing
This girl's an open page
Book marking, she's so close now
This girl is half his age."

-The Police's 'Don't Stand So Close To Me'

And so I sit in a calm setting. It's about time after all that shopping/talking/walking. Do you ever get a slight high from something like that? I do and then find myself hating coming home since I'll find myself wanting more, anything to keep my mind occupied.

Richard, my male friend that you'd wonder if pregnant, came up to me with major news. This would probably be more interesting to me since I grew up with the band playing that haunting song about being a stalker, "Every Breath You Take." Yup, Richard is going to be working in St. Louis with The Police! Hooooooo.......lllllll......yyyyyy Sheeee......iiiiiiiittttt! I so love this band and envy him doing all that stage preparation all while getting to see The Police live. How many years did we have to wait til Sting and Andrew would work together again?

So, let's see, I might get an authentic autograph from Sting and the other members of the band if everything comes through. Richard *might* take pictures but don't count on it since he's not super into doing such a thing. I hope someone shows him disposable cameras or lets him use their digital.

But Sting means a little something to me in that he just doesn't age. I admire guys that continue to keep themselves fit and not use age as an excuse to just let things go. Life's all about keeping that heart going and not hoping to find love at the bottom of a box of KFC. Sting, of course, is well-known for talking about Tantric Sex. Both, he and his wife, have to be fit for something like that. At least someone gets it. A fat chick in leather is just a fat chick in leather. A toned chick in leather and I'll need you to scoop up my tongue from off the floor.

We'll get to shopping in a bit but the surreal came forth today. There was a stand-off, this town's 3rd in 8 days, where a guy wanted for robbing a McDonald's holed himself up at an inn. I just happened to drive by during all this and got to witness an armored assault vehicle and lots of SWAT members prepare for combat with M-16's. Life sure has changed in this town.

What made the stand-off really weird was seeing lots of dogs all around the area. I knew the inn was the reason for all the people but dogs? Is it that popular with canines? Nope, a dog show is in town and this pet friendly place just happened to have a stand-off where lots of scared fancy dogs needed to stay. To put it mildly, one side of the inn had long lines of dogs while the other had armed warriors that you don't fuck with when it comes to stealing from Mickey D's.

As for the shopping, I think I did alright. Cash is tight but I enjoy spoiling Sara every now and then. Why not? I'm spoiled here and there so I like to give a little to her. No, it's not like ex-president Reagan's "Trickle Down Theory" where giving the rich money helps the economy by sending some down to the middle class. It's just that I like seeing someone happy with a new gift. There's that little spirit on my shoulder patting my back as I made someone's day a bit better.

Well, Sara certainly needs it. The doctor's visit is July 3rd and it's being hinted that she won't be able to drive for 6 months. Horrible. I'd go fucking nuts! Having a car and being able to drive at a moment's notice is a great freedom. Without it, I'd feel helpless. Who knows. Maybe it'll be okay and I can relax a bit when I visit. I'm not complaining but this effects my wallet majorly since I do all the driving now. Good thing Sara lives near a lot of places to eat downtown and even close to a large campus. The bridge leading there is fun to walk across so I'll take pics when I get my new digital camera.

I do know this. I'm not looking forward to this year's July 4th as much as I used to. It's like everything has changed into less excitement. Sure, there's my anger over Iraq and how our shit-for-brains president thinks that he has a right to do anything he pleases no matter how fucked up his policies are but also how down Sara has been. Having a seizure is scary and might even make her question things about herself. I always ask why I go through certain things. It's only now that I find a lot of people get cysts at some point.

So, this is a dull entry due to the distractions going on. I've been packing and a lot of my mind has been wondering whether the birthday gifts are good enough for Sara. Trust me. There will be drama as her best friend, Bri, will be here to visit as well. He's mad at me because he blames me for last year's breakup with his boyfriend. Apparently, it's not polite to ask if someone is bi since it only leads to more questions in regards to the lover's wondering. Some of me doesn't care. My bisexual friends don't so why should I all of a sudden? Happy twats all around.

The Stupid Walk the Earth

"I'm gonna go outside and play without my pants on."

-The Whitest Kids U' Know

Sometimes, I think I get why the news channels give us so much information on things we don't need. Take Paris Hilton and how CNN gives us this extreme worry about what she is going to do after jail. Well, that was during the early part of the week because now it's all about Chris Benoit, the wrestler that commited suicide. My guess is that all of these news channels are worried about what those with barely 20 IQ points will do when their lives cannot find anything to do. Without Nascar, wrestling, American Idol, and baseball, by golly, we might have to meet these types of people in places other than the local Piggly Wiggly while filling up on gas! It is hard for me to not laugh when someone that has only 2 teeth stops to spit some chewing tobacco on the ground.

I have my own horror to deal with. As much as it is bad to have to watch news segments on Paris and Chris on CNN while running on the treadmill each day, my mind is more on Sara's birthday gifts. The main thing about this is that anything I like is pretty much out. We don't have the same tastes in regards to jewelry, music, or even artwork. What's a white brotha' to do?

Remember when I mentioned porn? Well, that's out because I felt that too odd for a birthday present no matter how much Jenna Jameson excites Sara. (Plus, Jenna looks really scary now) There are a few ideas but nothing is completely concrete which is why I must make my way to the mall for shopping. Normally, this is a horror I hate since I cannot stand how white girls constantly get stalked by black guys thinking it's a nice thing to spit out pick-up lines that involve the words "pussy" or "ho."

"What's a smokin' ho like you doing here?"

Don't deny it. I've seen this constantly while my other complaint is how teenage girls feel that dressing in something that shows off those lower back tattoos gives them girl-power. To explain this better, a woman that understands the effect of various ways of dressing but not giving a shit is okay. Those that bitch about men staring at them is what I hate. It just shows ignorance. If you've got it, flaunt it. If not, shut the fuck up and get it.

But the mall? I hate it but many people I know work at various shops so I get to say hi. Life is good when you get discounts on leather jackets, yo. And since I enjoy old school cartoons and music, Transformers t-shirts are in at Hot Topic. What better way to say "I Am A Geek And Proud" then to have a large robot on a blue shirt? Anyone else think that jocks are losing their appeal?

Don't fret for me, kids. I will find something for Sara as all men seem to do at the last minute. Panic makes our brains work better because of that sudden frenzy of chemicals. Either that or the laughter brought on by kids thinking that ugly $100 hoodies make them look so outrageously cool can get to me. The term is "hypebeast."

As for chemicals, I am happy to say that tomorrow is my final day on these antibiotics. No more worrying about whether a place has a bathroom when on the move. No more disgustingly bad breath that has my dog, a lover of stinky things, thinking I am due for being tongued while laying on the bed. You know things are bad when you could have sworn a gang of gremlins are playing with matches in yo' ass.

Other than all this, the days have been nothing but rain. Rain, rain, and more rain has been pouring down. The gloominess kind of has an effect on me as I don't have my usual sense of insane self. It's like how I realized today that it's hard to be silly while running on the treadmill. You're bound to fall off.

If you must know, I watched HBO's Thinking XXX again as I wrote out possible birthday gifts for Sara (July 2nd is the date, by the way). She really liked this short documentary on porn stars where everyone comes out with clothes, is photographed, and then without clothes. Here and there, we'll get interviews with famous people like Jon Waters and Gore Vidal discussing our need to be nude or psychological effects. I'm pretty sure that Gore is right in that I, as a male, am urged to squirt as much as possible. Where I draw the line is that I have no interest in fertilizing an egg. Kids suck and should be shot on sight.

But it truly is weird to just walk out with my penis just dangling around for all to see. There is some sort of slight high knowing people are looking at it. I enjoy sex when it's pure, that being about complete fun. It's just that I wish others would stop being so overly concerned about the nudity itself. You're only young once, show your tits, dick, pussy, and ass with complete happiness as well as enjoying your friends' company. Hot night? Pool? Skinny dip.

So, I've got to bid adieu as I dwell on how I'm going to shop tomorrow. Only a bit over 24 hours left for me as I have other errands to run tomorrow. Feel sorry for Sara more. According to her, it's impossible for her to get something unique for the boyfriend that has everything. Happy twats all around.

Invincible From the Lack

"Touch me once, and you'll know it's true.
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss.
I'm crazy for you."

-'Crazy For You' by Madonna

There is beauty in being inspired by music videos. Well, at least by me, this seems to happen thanks to memories coming through to me all at once. It started with Zu's telling me she was going to see Pat Benatar in concert on Monday. The song, "Invincible," instantly started playing in my head. Oh, how The Legend Of Billie Jean is to be thanked for that because I still remember the movie's ads for that where the music came on. The cop lights up a flare and....

"Stand up and face the enemy.
It's a do or die situation, we will be INVINCIBLE!"

Times sure have changed. While Pat was seen as a very strong female, it's sexuality that is used more often than a woman's talent. Britney Spears has not put out an album for 2 years yet she's still talked about constantly. Hardly anything she's done is her own work and don't get me in a huff over the stupidity brought on by American Idol. To think that kids all over have it in their heads that this is how you get a recording opportunity is just plain wrong. Heartache to heartache we stand.

Note: Kristan and I watched the movie, Vision Quest, where Madonna's song plays. The woman whom took my virginity with a smile, me at 19 and her at 29, said the exact same thing as the character did. A boy lusts for his first but that just isn't to be. I had to sleep with other women, those that I can learn from as well. Kristan was wise beyond her years and I still love her in some way I cannot explain. That's why "Crazy For You" is so important to me.

Was today a bad day for you? At least you aren't going through what our favorite jolly green giant, The Incredible Hulk, is facing. First, he's blasted into space due to the destruction he brings from getting angry. Then, Hulk has to contend with the trials and tribulations of being on a new planet and fell in love. Finally, his wife and friends were killed in a rocket sent from those vary people that kicked him off the planet. Geez, no wonder Marvel Comics is desperate to bring sales up. They've just got to find a way to bring all of their main characters together and fight something that just figured out sex is a great way to calm the anger. I hope Hulk crushes Iron Man into nothing.

Okay, nerdiness is over! I just tend to be the type that has to ask "why?" when a company does certain things. It's sad how comic books are losing readers when the answer is so fucking obvious. They have become expensive. The market is saturated with too much, be it Spiderman or Iron Man. Oh, did I mention the artwork? It's pathetic and has me longing for when the real artists stayed loyal to their characters. Comics have become just the same as sports, all about greed.

5-Pound Phooey is going on a field-trip tomorrow. I'm due for a haircut and she's going with me to this house patrolled by 2 large black cats. Possible bark-fu will follow. As for me, I'm growing my hair long now. Only the back of my head is getting slightly shaved as I await my chance to look like a pirate in a bandana while working out. Aye-aye!

As for the gym, I'm in deep admiration of Kevin, the gym's owner/bodybuilder/and father of 2. Since we found ourselves working out next to each other, him on legs and me on shoulders, I chatted with him. That man o' muscle is actually tired. You'd swear that Kevin has an amazing amount of energy but he is just so tired. There are 2 shows coming up that he's preparing for so you'll best look out for the large amount of sweat puddles around him. I mean, it takes a lot to do what Kevin does and there are times I wonder why I didn't get involved with bodybuilding.

As for the hype of this iPhone.......just another example of America's forgetting what is truly important. Forget being able to make calls. People all over were worried about whether it could handle porn. Yes, I'm serious that there was much disturbance in the force all because there is an important need to view genitals on the screen. How else can a guy with a $500 phone get through his day of having his fat wife yell at him. Porn seems to be tranquil for those that are upset with the reality of fucking something that is in love with Cheetos.

Of all the things in the world, I'd never think that porn is so important for a phone. Do people get upset over Health Care? Cheney's secret doings? Iraq and our shit-for-brains president's stupidity? NO! Porn is so much more important than all these things. It's no wonder America is fat, lazy, and stupid. Look, I love pictures of naked women just as much as the next guy, preferrably with a thin amount of pubic hair and small breasts with a toned ass, but I don't get the desperation to have it on a small screen's viewing. When I want a gyno shot, I expect the loveliness of a the pussy's hole and asshole without having to squint as if I am secretly having a painful pee on the subway.

By the way, we are ranked in the 30's when it comes to Health Care. Seriously, America brags about nothing because every country is far better. Japan's Internet speed is unbelievable, for instance.

Remember my discussion on 'I Am Legend?' It seems that once again a good book that shows some actual thought has this thrown out the window. The writer has this nice little explanation for the possibility of vampirism only to see it gone. The main character of the story is now facing people that suffer from something that makes them not able to go out in sunlight. Yes, I take my books seriously because I am tired of seeing directors and producers using their visions instead of the greatness of the writers'. Transformers, the movie? I just cannot believe how much they've ruined my childhood toys. It was the only cartoon where I LOVED both main characters, Megatron and Optimus Prime.

So, I'm outta here as I make my case known how much I hate the world's lack of creativity and sudden need to think that a deep discussion on what Paris Hilton will do after jail is important. Porn is only important for computers and magazines. Books are seen as having little value because people would rather watch the movie. How little Americans know and it shows. Happy twats all around.

Brit's Got Tits?

"Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded."

-My fortune cookie

Don't take your asshole for granted. Yes, I know some of you enjoy placing various objects inside for some remarkable amount of pleasure that I have not been granted. Fingers, yes. Objects, no, in regards to what has been up mine. Mine has been on fire all day thanks to those stinky pills assigned to me in order to finish off this cyst. Who knew fighting bacteria could be so brutal!

So, the interview? I really want this job for some of the most obvious reasons: 1). No cubicle 2). Freedom that involves meeting other people and being outside 3). Going inside a newspaper's place of origin and seeing the papers being made 4). It's a bit unique even while the weather, traffic and people will be my only possible conflicts 5). The people are laid back and I'll be able to read the paper hot off the press.

It's kind of odd to think that I might be back into working at my local newspaper. As I walked into the downstairs area, I was haunted by memories of way back when as I dealt with getting paid as a paperboy. While those days are long gone and paperboys are no longer paid by turning in their collections, I enjoy the feeling of seeing people that are smart and full of life. That has been my damper when it comes to work, my experiences being with idiots with very little education and enjoyment of power. Sara told me how much she loves working at a bank because there are people that show actual thinking ability. I feel it, too.

Have you ever walked into your local newspaper headquarters? Ours is kind of fascinating even if some has worn off due to my already having been there years ago. I would have sworn that this would be Superman's basic hideout from the planet's evil, by getting scoops on possible evil-doing at the same time. Well, either that or my feeling that he'd be so busy looking up Lois Lane's dress. Don't deny it. All males get horny no matter how spruced up or chaotic an office is.

And then there is my friend, Richard, the man that you could swear is the first pregnant male. He wants me to come work with him on our campus. It's nice that someone wants me to be a part of his team and all that but I have allergy issues way up the wazoo. If I'm not putting out my ass's fire this week, the other end is sneezing due to pollen. I am always honored that someone finds me as a suitable person to work with.

While sitting there between sets of bench-pressing, I noticed a commercial for Paul McCartney's songs or a CD of some type. Not sure what it was selling. What happened was me wondering if Paul would be considered a legend in this day and age. I think not since music artists are now demanded to do far more than they once did. As much as I hate to admit it, P. Diddly is right in making the possible male singers for a new group actually dance. Hey, if you're gonna make the ladies work themselves into a sweat for guys to ogle, it's only fair. It's just that I don't think The Beatles would be as popular now as they were way back when.

Take that winner of American Idol. She's cancelled her summer tour due to poor ticket sales. I was surprised since this is a woman that's won 2 Grammys and sold over 7 million CDs. Are people so picky that they no longer follow someone that they bought earlier CDs from? I mean, I was huge on Beastie Boys and Guns N Roses even before I heard a song from a new CD. I just had to have it because Axl Rose brought out both sides of me, the sweet part and the vicious angry kid that hated the world. "November Rain" is one of my all-time favorites that I just have to belt out. So, why are people dropping interest in Kelley Clarkson? (sp?)

I have a theory to add. Paris Hilton. She's a major part of why the world is so wrong today that people seem to ignore how stupid they are getting all because it's mighty acceptable today. How does that fit into music? Simple, we are living in a world of ADD addicts that will only grab onto what is considered hot or available at the moment. I don't seem many people buying CDs but copying them onto their iPods, 1 or 2 songs, mind you. No one listens to a whole album these days and most people seem to cling only to a major hit to bring them in. No loyalty. It's weird how times have changed and I miss Right Said Fred. I'm too sexy to bring more insight into my insane views of the world.

All I can say is that The Beatles would not be as big. The Who would thanks to great teenage angst songs. Rolling Stones? I think a lot of old farts keep them alive because their old songs reminiscing of drugs bring back good memories. How do you explain $200 a ticket sales? There has to be more handicapped parking signs than ever allowed in a stadium's parking lot. Most of those seeing the Stones forget where they parked anyway.

Loves me some cult movies, especially the 80's types. Flash Gordon is one of those (soon to be given major special edition treatment because Queen's soundtrack is so beautiful!) as is Excalibur, said to be very true to the story. Can you imagine that? A director trying his hardest to make a movie that gives a very good account of King Arthur and his knights? How about the amazing accuracy of the armor? Hardly any movies put that kind of effort into the horrors of war in wearing armor.

Quick, which of Arthur's knights is the one that returned the sword, Excalibur, to the Lady Of the Lake? It was Perceval. Lancelot, the handsomest of the knights, caused a lot of trouble but came through in the end. A PG movie that has bare breasts and naked male buttocks? Tis true, lords and ladies. Oh, how I miss the times of a movie being so true to form and feeling so free to express that some of us liked to get busy in the forest with a lady. I loved Excalibur, a 1981 movie that just cannot be matched today thanks to too many directors that think only in terms of the bottom line over creativity.

So, I hope y'all enjoyed my strange entry where knights and my enjoyment of being in a newspaper's main building. No celebrity discussion from me even if I am tempted to bring up Britney's baring of her tits. Sara says it best: "It's just a boob." Amazing to see men so excited over this while the 'Net is full of women baring much more. Lots and lots of pussy pictures get them to start unzipping but to think there is more emphasis on Brit's bare nipple has me wondering just how far this celebrity obsession has gotten. Happy twats all around.

Ask Me About My Underwear

"Pain is weakness leaving the body."

-A friend's t-shirt slogan

Remember way back when I was thinking up better names for my little Buffy aka "5-Pound Phooey?" Wasn't 'Boogers' one of them? It would fit because many of our walks consist of her wheezing and snorting. People ahead of 5-Pound Phooey and I look around for the noise only to see it's all coming from this tiny little Yorkshire Terrier with attitude. "Wheezy" would be another good name for her.

Looking over my prescribed medicine for this cyst, I found mood swings as another side effect. In fact, it clearly states that I should consult my doctor upon this happening. Nah, I'll ride it out no matter how hard it gets. The sleepiness is gone but the mood swings could be my own demented mind. Don't worry. I'm not the type to go all mental like Britney Spears and decide to hit vans with objects. Am I the only one that still has night terrors due to her facial expressions of a bald woman scorned by paparazzi?

I've still got to unpack from Indiana only to head on out there on Saturday for Sara's birthday and the 4th of July weekend. Remember when I used to head on out to Bald-O's? Those were some really interesting times where I ended up with way too much beer. Times have changed as some of the group has grown up with children. Bald-O's still drinking beer. So, why do I envy someone that is so dead-on keeping his ways even if it would be better to change?

Blame it on the Liberal in me.

My cyst is going away. Well, that's good because it shows me that my fucked up madness of keeping good track of time is working. The medication is to be taken every 4 hours so you'll find me wondering when I had the last pill, very stinky pills that give me some of the worst breath ever. Sara hates the smell coming out of my mouth, something you'll even notice when holding the bottle up to your nose. Whoo! If it's not the scent of a cyst's popping open to make a room smell like ass, it's the pills themselves that make even the dog question kissing yo' stank ass mouth after she's rolled around in something stinky on the ground.

Dog owners are weird. I'm a dog owner so I am weird.

Sara's dad asked me how far I am from a town now well-known as extremely dangerous thanks to a sudden rise in crime. 36 miles was my answer but he should also know about my town. It's bad, real bad. We've just had a hostage standoff and several shootings at police officers. Why? Chicago tore down the public housing section so a lot of the baddest of the bad have made my town and others nearby home. Mind you, 95% of the alleged or criminals are black. One of my black friends told me that this has turned the town racist into thinking that, with so many blacks committing crimes, he gets looked at as one. I don't know. What do you do with a criminal element that is so obvious? I'd love it if we got rid of the dog-fighting rings, convenience center hold-ups, muggings, and gun fights near the schools. Would you believe that we have a notorious underage pimping case going on as well? Yup, all black.

By the way, Sara's dad is a parole officer so I find our conversations to be a lot about the criminals, etc. He even threw in his 2 cents on Paris Hilton's handling by the L.A. police. "Thrown in the car and no makeup artist to wait for" was some of the response I got because he gets a little emotional on the coddling of criminals by idiotic police. Oh, there's a lot of yelling, too, because I always joke around with him about whether he yelled at anyone that day. Sara's dad has a funny response:

*Smile and looks up at the sky* "Not yet. Maybe tomorrow."

Yes, we've pretty much forgotten about the mis-happen blowjob. As far as I know, I'm comfortable with being around Sara's dad after he walked into that. He really likes me as just about every parents seems to want me for their own. Sara's mom calls her up asking if I'd like to have dinner with them and whether salmon would be okay. Are you kidding!?! I love salmon!

So, that's all yo' gonna get as I have an early morning job interview tomorrow. There are a lot of things on my mind as I take a trip into that demented part of my body. Would you believe I have a book on how to love a lesbian complete with pictures? Yummy and they even say she shouldn't feel guilty about threesomes. Isn't that a dish while a good form of telling your lover how you feel is to ask her to pause as you take off your panties to give to her? Naughty! Naughty! Only a few get to smell my Calvins for that extra strong aroma of my balls. Happy twats all around.

Blame It On the Rain

"Do or do not. There is no try."

-Yoda

What would you say if I told you I had a little help from a small cat? It's best described in this form. A small bout of depression overcame me while in Indiana this weekend. My cure, at least to me, was in the form of a small starving cat that came up to me right when I got to Sara's apartment that Wednesday.

It's a calming effect on me, to sit out and find you are needed in something else's life. By that 'something,' I'm referring to an animal that meant no harm only to be dumped by a selfish human. Feeling needed made me temporarily forget that I'm a miserable old coot inside having dreams of being shot 30 times by a submachine gun. Life's best ended with the smell of gunsmoke in the air or safely asleep while the occupants in the car scream for their lives. I have a strange sense of humor but hopefully you, dear reader, are not so depressed.

You can also factor in Sara. She's been pretty sick and I don't know what to do about it other than take care of various things. Sara sleeps a lot more and complains of feeling dizzy or disoriented at various times. We won't know what caused the seizure til July 3rd and, yes, I will be there due to the 4th happening right after.

I'm always at odds with myself over various depressive times. Why do I behave like I need to be away from people? I'll look out the window more or find myself just wanting to sleep all day. My only wake-up call was to deal with a small cat meowing for a meal to keep it from receding into a pile of bones. How to know I've done well? I'll sit out on the porch while the small cat falls asleep in my lap.

Life isn't all downs. Actually, I'd say it's more along the lines of driving, a lot of driving now since I have to do just that with Sara not being able to for possibly 6 months. I got the first season of Picket Fences, a show on CBS from way back to 1992. Gaw, how that takes me back! Where do such unique shows like this go? You've got a character for an eccentric attorney that will defend corpses, a D.A. found to be the serial bather (homes were broken into where this guy would record his baths but never steal anything), a gossip loaded small woman that works as a switchboard operator in the police headquarters, and a sheriff trying to keep a small town together while cows get drunk or a conspiracy as to how a bb gun could be used as a political toy. This show is fucking hilarious and very controversial with a Tom Skeritt as the sheriff. It's too bad that when David E. Kelley, the show's creator, left, everything that made Picket Fences great was lost. Do watch this show and you'll see why a naked woman put into the dishwasher over a marital spat makes me laugh.

Other than that, I found Saturday amusing in that Sara and I, on our way for a walk to a diner, were forced to seek shelter during continous rain. The sky looked as if it was clearing so we didn't bring along an umbrella. What's more romantic than sitting underneath a bus shelter's roof? Well, it certainly aint great when the rain just won't stop, yo. Along comes a friend to pick us up and then Sara's dad comes by to take us to lunch. Would you believe we eat in a famous diner? How about that it serves breakfast all day? No hour should say that omellettes end. Never!

So, I'm back but not entirely myself. I've still got to finish that job interview that I left as soon as I heard about Sara's seizure. Plus, 5-Pound Phooey and I need some catching up to do. Small dog loves boy that leaves mysteriously every 2 weekends. It's love when brown eyes look at you. It's lust when a girlfriend almost bites my nipple off. 2 days til my left one heals. Hello, PenDragon. Happy twats all around.

In Need Of A Hole

Cause I'm a slave for you............

I can't remember a time when presribed medication hit me so hard. The stuff I'm on now, cephalexin, packs quite a wallop. I feel as if I can sleep all day and so far that's why I've accomplished zippo. I'm sure I impress the cat because she's been trying to outsleep me since I got here. The cat wins for now.

So, where were we on my exciting adventures? According to a doctor, I have amazing blood pressure and will need to have that damn cyst cut out of me on July 30th. I've always wanted to be even with 50 Cent's large amount of bullet holes so this is what I get. 1 large portion of me cut out and I'll have 8 more til I catch up with him.

What I'm curious about is whether I get my cyst out by laser or actual knife. Gonna be really fascinating! This totally calls for a digital camera to document all the action. Sara says I'm weird but I already knew that.

As for Indiana, I've been driving Sara around, pick up from work and take to lunch. She was extremely happy to see me yesterday evening as it was quite a surprise. Parents and I went out to dinner where her mom and I discussed Paris Hilton. Why? The Simple Life was playing on the TV in front of us. What is it about a train wreck that cannot allow you to look away?

The 'Net has a very large fascination with female urination lately. First, it was Tyra Banks need to demonstrate to girls on how to pee in a public restroom. Then, it's drunk college girls doing beer bongs while peeing and, finally, it's Spain's putting up security camera videos of women going in front of them. Just a word of advice, girls. Look for cameras before going anywhere these days. Like I said before, women pee by magic and it won't be long before Oprah gets on the bandwagon to show us all the best form of squatting after sleeping in a bed with 1,000 thread-count sheets.

Still having trouble with what to get Sara for her birthday. Might have to go the old boring route. Any suggestions? It would help if I had an acoustic guitar to strum out some answers. She smiles when I mention how I'd like to have a motorcycle within 5 years. Does that mean anything?

So, I'm outta here as I try to stay awake. I don't love drugs but they certainly love me. Thank you, Marilyn Manson for that lovely quote as I fight the feeling. Happy twats all around.

Angry For Some Reason

"Getting a paragraph out of him is like pulling a piano out of a pond."

-Winter Passing

Where, oh, where do I begin with this entry? There is so much on my mind as I type this so I'll just start with the good. That quote above? Since I love Zooey Deschanel, I've been meaning to see that movie for 2 years. Why I waited so long is an answer I just don't have. Lucky for me, it was on the Starz Channel so I had a good enough excuse to put down an employment application temporarily.

Winter Passing is basically about a dour actress going back to her father, a washed up novelist. You will automatically be able to tell that this family is majorly dysfunctional. The dad sleeps outside in a bed (Yes, outside) while having 2 people takeover the house. Would you believe that Will Ferrell isn't always a goofy type o' guy? If you are into writing (Yes, I am hinting at someone), what you can't help is notice the house. The whole damn thing is filled with books. Books on the staircase and to the point that it looks like it just threw up books.

What I liked is that each character has his or her nerousis yet there is no sudden coming to a conclusion to them. They are just fucked and they live with it. Zooey is perfect for playing girls like that and Ed Harris was great as a washed-up novelist that's sort of lost his mind because his wife, another novelist, killed herself. One of the characters asked if the 2 were ever competitive. How 2 workaholic novelists came to marry is an odd one to me but the whole thing is so poetically perverse. Just what is up with Will Ferrell and guitars?

Anyway, 2 other things just came up. The first is about that large bump on my back. It's a cyst. Due to it being rather large, you'll notice it quite fast upon seeing my back. Sara has been ragging on me about getting the damn thing looked at. Only today, something came up and my dad said it looked ready to pop for some strange reason.

After over a year with this large bump, I found myself hunched over the sink as my dad popped/squeezed the damn thing. A cyst is gaseus so there was an instant awful smell that filled the air. Being males, my dad found the white stuff, soft and mushy, interesting and even insisted on me viewing. Gross but that's us boys wanting to see what our body creates, stinky and gross. Oh, and there was a lot to look at as 15-20 minutes was spent getting all of this large bump's contents out. Not overly painful, mind you. My back is extremely strong as the bump was also away from my spine.

I don't know how I feel exactly. That bump has been something I've gotten used to over the years. Obviously, Sara hated seeing it and worried about what it was all 2 years of being with her. Reminds me of how pathetic I am with getting my body checked out ever since I've stopped being sick upon discovering the powers given to me from work outs. The funny thing? The t-shirt I was wearing smells so bad thanks to the cyst's popped gunk getting on it. Yes, they smell that bad, folks, almost like you're suddenly wondering if you need to wash your ass.

The thing that's got me a bit puzzled? Sara had a seizure recently. It might be that she won't be able to drive for 6 months. As far as I know, it happened in the pharmacy while picking up her b.c. pills. Off to waking up in the hospital and not knowing what'll happen til July 3rd is us. I might be going to Indiana tomorrow so don't expect any sort of update after my doctor's appointment on seeing how infected this cyst is (first thing, tomorrow morning). That's life but so many people are still bitching about the Sopranos finale and various trivial things in their blogs. I'm so glad to be away from Diaryland and I hate about 90% of those people now. Happy twats all around.

Porn Has Come Home

Doug: "Uh, who let in Cancer Cunt?"

Celia: "It's 'Cancer Tits,' Doug."

-Weeds

We put the fun in dysfunctional. I've always known that I love watching TV shows where the family is so fucked up because it's us. You can tell me all you want that you are like the Cosbies or those wacky trouble makers on Saved By the Bell (I was SO Slater). It's okay but have you ever really taken a good hard look at what you think is so fucked up in your family?

I've got a dad that sits in his room on the computer for hours and hours. My mom avoids any sort of issues when it comes to confrontation all while watching TV from 5pm til 10:30pm straight. This little brother of mine has image issues, namely that he thinks he has one but this tough look doesn't fit a guy that has absolutely no muscle tone. It's no wonder that it's rare for my brother to have a girlfriend. Motorcycles command a guy that fits the lifestyle. Being down to 4 dogs, 1 has to have a bodyguard in order for it to pee or poop. The girls, 5-Pound Phooey and Bonnie, absolutely hate each other and will kill on sight. Clyde is lazy when he pees so you'll find him with his leg on a brick as he goes. There's lots more but I'm not interested in airing out all the issues but, oh, my! My grandparents are holed up in an assisted living place and will not visit for selfish reasons.

And me? I'm a mess inside thanks to low self-esteem and occasional avoidance of issues by hiding out in my gym. Mmmmm......that natural high can do wonders when fed up with your mother's being walked on. Sara lives 79 miles away and Bald-O's near the 3 hour range so I pretty much have nowhere to run. Books can only do so much even if the sun helps bring some form of false happiness.

It's so funny to me how I could easily solve my brother's problems with women. I've slept with a lot of them when it comes to my past relationships. Geez, how many times has it happened on the first date? I'm sure many guys will applaud or high-five all around. When will guys realize that so many women out there are into looks just as they are? Add a little muscle, read to learn, get a personality and voila! You will be up to your ears in pussy. Just remember that I've been in relationships. Not sure if I can count J's because everytime I think of her I get reminded of her mother and how I almost said, "Who's the little dude?" You would, too, if you had dinner with a woman that looked like a guy and leaned over to fart.

Ah, I'm just fucking lost. My only savior tonight was how I felt like a warrior in the gym. While a large part of me didn't want to be there, I fought it off. Oh, it was good, real good. That natural high came to me so heavily as I worked on biceps. Even did my 10 minutes of running on the treadmill with tired arms. Helps to have CNN playing on the TV in front of you. Just a tip because anything that makes me mad has me running harder.

Things are paying off in spades. I may have low self-esteem but I've got bodybuilders checking me out. I know something's going right or they are all gay for my little white delicious ass that Sara finds nice enough to bite. Those boys aint ready for this jelly.

Why is it that so many black films stress sports more than anything else? If it's not fucking up the English language to create more black slang and horrible spelling, it's thinking that the importance of sports goes above actually learning about working as a team. Now, I loved He Got Game with Denzel Washington. Nice actor and all that. My only problem was with how basketball is pushed as to being the only way out for a black kid from the Bronx. Geez, it's no wonder the black population is so fucked up. Forget studying in college. Play well on the neighborhood basketball courts as if your life depended on it. If it's not basketball, it's football. Baseball and soccer just aren't popular to the black man so there is hope for pathetic skinny white boys out there that can run just fast enough to avoid police cars. Nice movie, He Got Game, but bad message.

Not much else to say. I must admit that I'm surprised how far pay-cable is going in regards to nudity. Last night while reading a bit more of Richard Matheson's short stories (I Am Legend was just 1 of many in the book), a channel debuted a show called Sin City Diaries. It's exactly as you would think upon reading the title alone, sex and more sex. What surprised me was that it was perfect in the dealing of nudity. Not only were both sexes shown completely starkers where penises dangled right at a woman's lips but we finally saw pussy lips in all their glory. I wouldn't be surprised if spoiled boys just realizing that their penises can become magical sticks of glory write down that certain times the XBox 360 is to be turned off. A thong wedged up between some gorgeous woman's legs and then spread for some lucky stranger to eat her out like there's no tomorrow? Pay-cable will bring back circle jerks thanks to no more blurriness. Pussy, in all its glorious palace doors, will be shown.

So, I'm outta here as I am happy that nudity is finally being evened out. This topless thing where I run around my neighborhood in front of spoiled housewives and the occasional teenage girls? Loving it all the way as I attract more and more attention, bodybuilders, too. A long time ago, a girl come up to me in a bar and told me she wanted to suck my cock. Of course, I handled that gracefully by saying 'no.' Damn, she was a redhead, too! How would I handle a guy saying that to me, one that can bench-press around 350 pounds? Happy twats all around.

Loony And Lovin' It

"Would you give me the tip of it
Because I've got a pussycat
Who hasn't eaten that."

-England's Machinson Sisters with catchy sexual innuendo

Nothing like 1890's sexual sense of humor to start off my night, eh? I've always tried to find things that other authors or musical artists placed as being sexual into their works. My only problem is that there are those that don't get how a little hidden vibe can be so much better than completely blunt as to what is happening.

So, I finished 'I Am Legend.' Great book! I can see why it's a hidden gem in the basic comic book geek's wet dream. You've got a guy that uses his body to get what he needs and then his brain to figure out just what vampirism is. Isn't that something a tad bit different than what you're used to when it comes to apocalypse stories? For me, it's the same old thing. Man uses muscles to tell vampires or bad humans/aliens that he is boss. Movies bring the funny dialogue but reality tells me hardly anyone comes up with a good line in real-life. Monsters scare people to the point where talking is a lot of work.

Now, 'I Am Legend' got me thinking as to what I would do if something like that came about, the apocalypse. I'd be a great candidate for such an event. For one thing, I enjoy being alone here and there for periods of time since I can amuse myself just by looking up at the stars/ceiling. My strength from working out will come in handy when various things need to be defended or taken to my own stronghold. I look damn good in a leather jacket where weapons of various sizes are seen quite well. Plus, I'm handy with the bow and handguns.

But what about the major issues before me? I'd eventually need new contacts at some point. I can't cook worth a damn. I've yet to meet a vampire or werewolf to see if I can handle a battle between us. There will be major issues if my Air Jordans get dirty. Loneliness will come about at some point because let's face it. I love pussy. I have no idea how to fix a car. Will I be able to plant a garden?

Of course, things can be made into a fantasy. 'I Am Legend' continues me on this weird apocalyptic fantasy voyage. It's like I said before. What's really cool about this book is how it just starts you right smack dab in the middle of things, vampires surrounding the house and one calling out Earth's only survivor's name. While the character, Robert Neville, might seem cool and collected, he's really a fucking mess of thoughts as to what is going on. The inevitable flashbacks as to his past continue to haunt him because everyone misses their ex-wives at some point. Along with the "Why me?" there is more going on out there amongst the vampires than he knows. Makes for a nice surprising ending, too.

What would I do first? If I were in some kind of apocalypse, I'd scout the area with caution. Much of it would be about taking notice as to which areas are habitable and accessible. Next, would be getting a generator up and running to keep food fresh with the electricity making nighttime bearable. Each morning will start with me working out to pep myself up. Weapons will be collected and upon myself at all times due to never knowing if I'll meet someone with bad intentions or a disease like vampirism. Would be kind of tempting to become a vampire, though. If I could have the style of The Lost Boys, there would be no question. Leather goes well with me when it comes to jackets.

Actually, the reality would be that I'd do my best to find survivors. I'm no meanie and may take my time at trying to find various people I've known. If you're in a different state, it may take a while but I'll pick you up for the best way to celebrate such an event. NAKED POOL PARTY! That is, if you can handle 80's music blaring as the vampires stare at our naked skin before the electric fence sends 'em charbroiled. Death by fence as you wave your tits and I wave my dick!

I know, I know. I'm on a roll to the valley of retardation. But I'm clever, people. My only issue is that, after reading the book, I'm afraid the movie is going to stray too far. There were scenes in the theatrical trailer for I Am Legend where Will Smith (Robert Neville, I assume) walks around armed with a dog. Logic should point you in knowing that the dog is his only friend on Earth. The only problem is that this doesn't happen since there is a dog BUT for a different reason than the movie. Oh, how I hate it when Hollywood takes good things only to ruin them. That ending better be kept as suddenly chaotic as the book's.

So, my day? I spent much of it avoiding my dysfunctional family. It's too long to go into specifics but just know that any holiday that celebrates family members is not good with me. Some families have alcohol issues. Mine's more along the mental states as I hit the gym to see my only family where I feel completely at home.

Okay, I've got plenty of issues. There have been 2 surgeries and a very suspicious bump on my back that have me in a mess. Should that be enough to explain why I enjoyed lifting medium amounts of weight? Gawd, the pump in my shoulders was so relaxing after talking to Tamallah. It's good to know that there are some black guys that really want to dance for their girlfriends instead of treating them like ho's.

Othere than that, my dog enjoys standing in the sprinkler on these hot days. Weird. I have to wait while 5-Pound Phooey cools off from the 94 degree weather. What I really want to do is squirt her with the hose in the backyard just to see what kind of reaction I'll get.

So, I'm outta here. No sex talk as I'm just not in the mood. Each day is spent with 1 cold root beer and a baked dog. Once we come home from a walk/run, the first thing 5-Pound Phooey does is collapse on her side and nap with her tongue out. Life should always be that amusing and as entertaining as standing in a sprinkler. Happy twats all around.

The Devil Rides Again

"Amo il vostro sorriso"

-Italian for "I love your smile"

Don't you just love my blog? Well, at times I'd like to consider myself one that enjoys learning as well as teaching. I'd hate to see my time here on the 'Net as being full of myself. While I am sure that those with thousands of pictures of themselves have their places, it comes across as needing attention. Weren't we supposed to be rid of that in middle school?

But I'm a moron, all but a wee bit mildly retarded on the verge of losing my mind to wondering what will happen to this world. There are so many apocalyptic fantasies playing in my head that it's not funny anymore.

While I walked around with 5-Pound Phooey, I counted maybe 4 or 5 cars passing by me. That's a rarity! Sure, it was 94 degrees today but I, someone that hates hot weather, was out there. Topless? Of course! But, hey, I'm slowly getting used to the heat and may even learn to enjoy it. As long as I don't have to wear a suit and air conditioning will be made available at some point during the downing of a root beer, I can live like this. Plus, I love the cool night air.

It did feel like an apocalypse. Only 4 or 5 cars as I walked all around the neighborhood. No one on the sidewalk or in the street. In fact, it was so eerily quiet that I couldn't help but think about that scene from the new movie, I Am Legend (due out 12/14/07), where everyone is dead except a man and his dog. That would be me with 5-Pound Phooey as she sniffed, pissed, and shit as best she could while my eyes were all over in hopes of seeing anyone. Have times changed so much that people no longer set foot outside unless they absolutely have to get up from the TV?

Not surprisingly, I did pick up the book form of I Am Legend. Not surprising, eh? I'm always in need of a quick fix when it comes to my curiosity. While the first part of my music loving ears were perked up from seeing the Steve Winwood video, "Roll With It," I do need my vampire fix settled at some point. I truly do just roll with it, be it good times with old friends from college or satisfying a girlfriend's need to rim me. Why didn't they tell me that a tongue on my asshole felt so good?

As of right now, I can tell you that I Am Legend starts out with quite a bang. No origin as to what has happened. We are now in a house with the main survivor on Earth, Robert Neville, as he has holed himself up in a house where the nighttime finds it surrounded by vampires. Other than using the daytime to cruise around in a car for errands and killing vampires, that's all we've got til Chapter 4. The female vampires are cruel to Robert. 5 months since he's seen his wife has taken quite a toll on him so the sight of a woman picking up her dress to show pussy is coming close to him giving up. See? Pussy makes a man weak and unable to avoid a morbid solution.

But pussy? Oh, forgive me for I have sinned. I forgot about the topic on female orgasms. Isn't it interesting that not only do 30% of women not have them but they are also seen as useless? The orgasms, not the women. I mean, male orgasms are needed for pregnancy but why should women be allowed such pleasure if there's no point? Of course, science has proved an actual point, the sucking up of more semen to bolster the chances of a woman having a kid. To me, that's just beautiful all because of science and the basic eroticism of seeing a woman in pleasure.

The female orgasm is so fascinating to me. From the little spasms inside her pussy as I keep my fingers inside her to the complete loss of control as her body lashes all over the place and allows that small amount of wetness to drip out. It all reminds me why I'm not completely keen on my college friends. In all their sex discussions (and there are millions of them), not one of them ever talks of making a girl cum. They can mimic the actions of doggie style or being given head but not once does a guy brag about how great he is at eating her out. Is it any wonder why I get looked at as odd when I talk about how much I love to eat pussy?

Of course, there are some days where the sex doesn't get to me. Chemicals or allergies, I'd rather put my effort into all the annoying sneezes that keep erupting from me. That's not to say I don't like to watch a girl give herself an orgasm. It's just that that is the right time for her to get on all 4's and pleasure herself in front of me. It's said that guys are very visual. Well, I'm no exception to the enjoyment of watching objects go in and out of a wet pussy. First, it goes in with the normal solid color only to come out sticky and dripping. Is it a wonder why I enjoy seeing pussy stains? My cock can throb while running my fingers in that wet little portion of panties.

Come to think of it, I do remember how great it felt to walk out of Sara's apartment on my last visit. Something happened to me that evening. It was like a huge change in me as I fucked her til she was too worn out to get up. Sara lay on the bed with a huge smile after that sexual session that reminded me of what I once was, a bit of a demon. I've always wondered where the old me was, the one that could go at it in doggie style for long periods of time without tiring or thrusting without ever stopping to allow a moment's rest for the poor girl achieving orgasm after orgasm as I pulled her hair. Where oh where did I go? How many beds did I cause to sigh in knowing that cum from the both of us would be splattered all around the sheets? Could it be that a form of sexual rage has made itself known and Sara will never be allowed to walk around without soreness?

I hope I can continue on with this sexual rage. Sara kept telling how wonderful it would be to make her feel like a whore. While I hate to call a woman this term, I'm guessing that long patch of lovemaking overtook a few things in my mind. Sometimes, I guy needs to bend his girl over and just fuck her hard. Or gently, if you're Tenacious D. There is this god-like feeling as I hover over her in doggie style along with watching my slick glistening cock thrust in and out so fast. If you're really good, girls, get in great shape for your legs. My ex, Kristen, could squat up and down with hers and it was not only extremely pleasurable but the sight of her pussy being torn open by my cock is the shit, yo.

*Demon smirk*

So, I'm outta here as I leave you with my wondering as to how devilish I have gotten. You fuck. They fuck. I fuck. We all fuck. It's those of us that care about our lover's orgasms that sets us apart. We're also more pleasant to be around since sex settles a lot of things within. Ice cream and root beer take care of the rest on a blistering hot day. Now, go slide those panties off and mount your lovers. Happy twats all around.

Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight

Tamallah: "Are you going topless?"

Me: "It's the only way to go, baby!"

-A conversation I had with Tamallah when I told her I was going for a jog with 5-Pound Phooey after the gym.

You know what's tough? Finding out that my old now defunct blog is more popular than THIS one. It kind of makes me wonder if there is a point in doing this. Do I even have any sort of ability to tell things or be as fierce as I once was? I just don't seem to feel as welcomed into the basic blogger, fat chicks with lots of cats and a tendency to talk back to the television while holding a large Diet Coke.

Since this is Friday, I'm hoping some of you are opting for orgasms. Me? I just want some peace and quiet. Last weekend in Indiana was lots of fun but I like a bit of time to myself. After catching up on local issues and various trivial knowledge, I tend to feel worn out. Sure, I miss the fucking and weird events where I felt like I was stuck in a canoe with Sara while sitting on her floor as she put together a cheap shelf bought from Target. You really need to visualize that. The two of us were sitting together in the shelf portion as she pounded away. I think Sara is better with tools than moi. I'm just the muscle that helps clean up any mistakes.

Plus, I get sleep, real sleep. Sara has the amazing ability to allow me 10% of the bed at some point. If I'm really, really good, I get my bare butt covered by a blanket. I need it for the sore handprints that give it an extra pinkish hue.

Friday is fantasy time. Those girls that aren't on their knees as their boyfriend slap the sides of their faces with their penises are thinking away. I've found myself continuing on my wondering if the apocalypse is coming true. The theatrical trailer for I Am Legend with Will Smith sort of brought this on today. He, basically, plays the last guy on Earth but soon finds out that vampires have made it their home. Not sure. The book is legendary with comic book geeks so I might have to check this out.

But I Am Legend's premise? I wonder what it would be like to see millions of people suddenly disappear from this world. Would it be better? Worse? Too scary to deal with the feeling of being all alone all of a sudden? I've had dreams of walking around deserted areas with a dog just as this character does. It is my belief that there are far too many people on this planet and the most idiotic of them all is our shit-for-brains president and vice president.

Did you see the images of the G-8 Summit riots? It makes me wonder as well why Americans don't put as much effort into telling the world how fucked up its going and to stop. Why is it the Europeans that are seen as so passionate about various issues while Americans spent more time debating the Sopranos ending and how it felt like a let-down? I've seen Flicker pictures of the riots and it's my point of view that the police were more brutal than needed. If it takes violence towards those that worsen this world, so be it. Greedy leaders need to have their power taken away.

Another fantasy that keeps reappearing came about when I asked Sara whether she would have skinny-dipped on that hot July day at Bri's parents' house. I'm not surprised that a quick "yes" came out. It's been hard to keep clothes on her ever since I got Sara to take showers with me. Tits, ass, and pussy are almost always on display when it comes to the little art student. Why not you?

Yeah, why not you? I had that annoying dream where former Diarylanders joined in. It's always the same. I'm hoping that those people I chose for such a weird event would not get all shy-like. Sara would run right by you with her kit off and not a care in the world. She's told all her friends about the size of my balls and will probably show them to you as long as you don't touch. My guess is that you'll be more weirded out as to how long my toes are. Rumor has it that I can hand upside down from tree branches and fly away to chase bugs at night.

It's always the same. Sammy and her fiancee, Summer, Zu and her boyfriend skinny-dip in the moon's eerie glow. Of course, there will be that nervousness where some of us are slow at revealing things. Would you disrobe in the pool or out? Me, I'll be running around hoping that I don't slip after catching sight as to who has a 'landing strip' or who goes bare down there. I wanna see belly-buttons and talk nerdy stuff with Sammy's fiancee. Sara's best friend, Bri, will probably bring up a discussion on the penises on view. He's bi and fun to be around because anything goes with him. No problems here since I'm not shy, well-hung, and a body that made a black girl stare today.

There's more people to add but it's my weird need to do something crazy that patterns all this. It's summer! Why allow a pool to be so calm when lots of tits and balls could make it rock all night!?! This kind of weather is just begging for nudity while the winter is all about curling up with a good book.

So, I'm gonna head on upstairs to read for a bit. There was a nice little flick called Downfall on the Starz Channel recently. The last 10 days of Hitler were quite eventful as this movie really draws you in. It's all through the eyes of his secretary as she didn't even know about the 6 million Jews killed. When will people open their eyes to how our world is dying all thanks to our own stupidity and 2 leaders bent on their hunger for power? Happy twats all around.

Mouse Guard And Orgasms

Uncensored version: "This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"

Censored version: "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps and feed him scrambled eggs!"

Don't you just love the justification of censorship? That line is from The Big Lebowski, a movie that I just so happen to see as a classic with more quotes than even I can handle. This all came to mind when I found a leaflet on my car of a bible page. Hilighted was John 3:16. No, I didn't give a fuck and threw this piece of paper to the ground. If I had a lighter, it would have been burned.

I'm now jealous of my dad. The reason I had to come home on that Tuesday was because of my dad's surgery. I know. It seems like everyone is having surgery these days when it comes to this family. Hell, I'm just waiting on my turn even if I'm lucky the only surgery I've ever had was to pull 4 teeth. As for the jealousy, the surgery was on my dad's right eye. That would explain the eye patch being worn for only a day. The cool thing? My dad says he no longer needs his contacts. Whoa!

If there is one thing I hate more than my allergy issues, it's the fact that summer brings irritating contacts. You are so lucky if you were born with perfect eyes, kiddo. Each morning, I have to take out my soft contact lenses from the case full of Renu cleaning solution. If I'm lucky, there is no irritation on first placing of the lens on my right eye, alway the problem area. My left has no issues and I barely feel the lens. The worst of it all is wind's bringing all sorts of things at my face when I'm outside. Be it, pollen or cat allergies, I'm winking a lot with my right eye.

If you've been living in a cave lately, you may have not heard how so many people are upset with the Sopranos finale that aired recently. Many people, myself included, were dying to know what happens to our favorite characters, namely Tony Soprano himself. Death? Feds? Will he kill Phil, a man that seemingly is a guy so deserving of death that it's poetic for his wife to watch? Yes, people take their characters seriously, especially after 6.5 seasons. Ya gotta remember that the show started in 1999 and hooked a lot of people for a good reasons. I love bad guys.

*Spoiler*: Tony Soprano was killed. The reason people were so confused was because the screen went blank at a very crucial point. I thought the power went out and found myself angry that it had to be at that exact moment. Tony was killed at this exact point because of an earlier discussion with another character, Bobby. He asked what happens when we die and all the two could come up with was that everything goes black. Nothing more. The man at the counter acting all suspicious and with an eye on Tony was Phil Leotardo's nephew (introduced way back). After he came back out of the restroom, he killed Tony from behind *hence the TV screen going black.* All this reminds me of how there were moments in books where I just didn't get it and needed someone to tell me a few things. "The Bell Jar" rings a bell because not everything an author puts in front of you is so obvious. I needed a little help from some old Cliff Notes a few times.

What kind of irritates me about people complaining about the Soprano ending is that they didn't seem to try and think. What about the guy looking all suspicious? What about the 2 black guys (They shot at Tony in an earlier episode only to get his ear) that were focused upon as they entered the diner? Instead of thinking, people were expecting to be fed instant information. Is there anything so wrong with telling people so obsessed with TV to try and figure out why things went along as they did? I'll admit to not being happy with the Sopranos ending until I sat and stewed about it. Come up with a solution for yourself and talk to others about what you just saw.

Other than that, I've just finished an oddly surreal graphic novel called Mouse Guard. Would you believe that mice just might be having more fun or a life of epic danger than you realize? Basically, if you find Mouse Guard, it first brings you back to old children's tales, especially with the artwork's appearance. For me, that's what I enjoyed along with this violent story of how various clans of mice try and work together to stay alive. You better believe all tales such as these have a good guy and a bad guy trying to stir up trouble. Not for the wee kiddies because I hate to think of that brave mouse being torn apart by those crabs. You can get this graphic novel at Barnes or any bookstore.

Other than that, I do have to say that 'Penthouse' has an amusing article on the female orgasm. While I disagree with its theory that the more orgasms a woman has, the more likely she'll cheat, it did have a few insights from scientists. It's just too bad that 30% of women will never experience life's little free joy to owning a body but I blame that on the women themselves. If you take into account the complications of the female body or how so many women are hung up on body image, it's no wonder they can't relax and cum. Remember the girl that popped my cherry? Kristen told me that she knew so many women that couldn't orgasm but only fucked to suit their boyfriends' needs.

What fascinates me about the female orgasm is the 'suckup' effect. Yes, it's a true word to describe this little event where the vagina is basically trying to force more semen into it. Pregnancy is more likely during an orgasm. Yes, I've felt this many, many times and enjoy having the head of my cock feeling like it's being pulled away from me by an unseen force. We'll discuss female orgasms later since there is a horror flick on. Nothing beats cleaning up my room than watching a horror flick at the same time, especially a B-grade one like Strangeland.

So, I'm outta here after a day spent watching my dog, 5-Pound Phooey, try to start another fight with her enemy. I've got to come up with a nice little title for this small dog that has challenged her to a fight. 'Tater' comes to mind. Happy twats all around.

In Need Of Musical Healing

"Find 'em, fuck 'em, and flee."

-N.W.A.

I really did just that. It was a strange feeling to fuck Sara and leave her lying there with a huge smile all while looking completely exhausted after 30something minutes. I had to get home soon seeing as it was getting dark. Driving on the interstate with empty balls is a nice feeling but I still would rather it be light out.

That visit to the candy shop had me wishing I owned my own digital camera. What I wish I had done was bring even just a disposable because the place was fascinating! While I didn't buy anything, the amounts of colors displayed before your eyes got to me. One section was packaged chocolate surrounding this large tube dripping just that. In the middle was where the girls were that would scoop what you wanted, gummy worms, etc. There were so many colors all around.

Well, it was me that made the decision to visit this candy place, Albanese Candy Factory (or something like that), while on a road trip to get Sara's last paycheck. There were various billboards advertising it. No big deal til I caught sight of the place as we passed it. Located right in the middle of a busy area, the candy shop was. You'd almost think you were walking into a Barbie house.

I suspect I will be getting myself a Canon digital camera since I keep finding this company being ranked as one of the highest when it comes to digital cameras. Sony just doesn't have what it takes for me when it comes to anything these days. For TVs, get a Samsung but if money is no issue, go Elite. Then again, I also need a sound system for all my driving adventures due to my need to belt out more 80's music than you'll ever need. Remember, car windows are always rolled all the way up because Paula Abdul and Debbie Gibson are alive. Electric Youth? You better believe it!

Paris Hilton going back to jail? This is not a blog based on celebrities. Go away. I live outside instead of sitting on the couch with Cheetos. CNN devoted hours to Paris's being taken out in handcuffs last week? Sometimes, I wish I lived in a foreign land where people actually did things instead of being obsessed with spoiled brats.

For those naysayers, Keira Knightley reads and enjoys lots of walks with her boyfriend, Rupert. So silly of me to like someone that doesn't whore herself to Hollywood. Somehow, I can almost hear a brown girl fuming to let me have some more of her wrath.

Been watching a few of M.I.A.'s music videos on Youtube. There are some styles of music that make you want to dance and this is definitely one that makes me crank up the volume. M.I.A. is not only gorgeous but has an oddness to her music videos. Definitely someone to put in my car for drives south and to Indiana. Shitty car. Badass (and horrible) taste in music. Will likely be found on newscasts thanks to helicopter pilots wondering what went wrong with the young white youth of America these days.

Well, some of us don't like rap.

My dog had a weird day. She tried to take a dump in this one yard only to hear the owner's dog (We've had issues in the past) tell her to get the fuck out. Somehow, I could have sworn I heard a "Pick up yo' britches and shit elsewhere, bitch!" 5-Pound Phooey has been at war with this dog for a while so it's just a matter of time til these 2 decide on another round of pathetic female fighting where paws go up and nothing major happens.

So, my visit to Indiana? Besides leaving Sara close to exhaustion from a good fucking, I've introduced her to another good TV show, Hex, something best described as a scaled down version of America's Buffy the Vampire Slayer only it's British. You'll get slang like 'wanker' and 'pints' plus some nudity, male and female. Mind you, Hex is very slow but gets better as we get a lesbian ghost, a missing futballer, a 20's ghost that just so happens to enjoy Egyptian hyrogliphics, a pregnancy that might be a demon, and a very hot set of angels, one sent to destroy the world while the other is to stop it. It's fun to see a show that accepts a lesbian character without shunning it like they do in American shows.

Other than that, I hung out with Sara's friends since middle school. While the girls were out shopping, I got to take in a whole day of Nintendo's Wii system. Love the shooting of alien spaceships trying to take away humans about to be probed in the chocolate factory. Then, there was racing cows (You are also supposed to run over Mexicans, very odd) and Lazer Hockey. Did I tell you that it was just us boys?

Isn't that cool? I got to take in a day of testosterone while in Indiana. Sometimes, I hang out with girls far too much and can even handle all discussion related to females. Tampon talks? So there. Embarassing itching? I've got an ass. Pubic hair removal? I'm smooth, kiddo. What was fun was just being mildly drunk with a bunch of guys only to top it all off with meeting some turtles. Even I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

One of Sara's friends owns 2 large turtles kept in a tub of water. They have a floating rock but they pretty much use that to try and snap your finger. I'm serious. These 2 turtles will follow your fingers in hopes of causing you to cry. Worms were tossed to them and I just had to take part in all this. Be it, fuzzy, hairy, or scaly, I want to meet yo' pets. Snakes are no big deal and even tarantulas don't scare me. So, I watched TV while turtles stared at me in hopes of making me cry. Crazy world. Damn, I need a digital camera to show what the fuck I'm talking about.

So, I'm outta here. Hope y'all had fun this past weekend. I'll talk dirty soon enough but I'm still catching up on things at home. Sara's busy playing domestic goddess since her room has taken a new look, clean. There's more but that's til later. Go outside and run with your dogs. I did and had to shake 5-Pound Phooey's dingleberry off her butt. Happy twats all around.

Whored Out

"He's a one-stop shop
makes the panties drop.
He's a sweet-talkin'
sugar coated candyman."

-"Candyman" by Christina Aguilera

Today, I was a sex object. Oh, the horror of being treated as if I my veins run with semen and my thoughts only center on having it purge out of me in volcanic eruptions! Then again, Sara says I'm cute so the girls can't help it. Go figure.

What happened was on a complete whim of fancy. Sara needed to go pick up her last check in a town 1.5 hours away. Of course, a guy should go along as company and escort due to this being an unknown town. Why not? Adventures happen when you least expect it. My best way of explaining this is to tell you that a hotdog got escorted with us.

So, here we were on a small trip, Sara and I with a hotdog. Since pretty much all of Indiana is new to me, I got to see new towns and various forms of bad driving. Never mind the fact that Sara almost hit a white van.

What would you do if you set foot in Willy Wonka's candy shop? While this little leisurely stroll was more to satisfy our need to set foot in a town 1.5 hours away, it ended up being a very smart shopping experience. The first thing I notice is this large tube running way up the ceiling. No, it wasn't white but dark brown thanks to large amounts of chocolate constantly coming down. Oh....my......gawd. This place will solve all women's PMS needs like a mean motherfucker! I'm not joking. While various women of all sizes could find themselves standing on ladders to lick a large pipe, the boys could enhance their sugar needs with so many different types of sweets. I wouldn't be surprised if the place has to deal with an obese toddler (or woman) not able to get out the door thanks to finding heaven.

I've seen these types of candy selling places in movies. Kids would place their mouths underneath machines' openings and let various things pour in. This would be close that since they care about hygiene and wanting to avoid tongue smudges during orgasmic moans. As much as I'd love to say these types of stores are great, they are a part of the problem when it comes to chunky kids coming out extremely fat. Imagine having someone pour M&M's down your throat whenever you want. It's close to that.

What made it amusing is this. If you avoid how funny it was to hear the various ladies groan when I tell them I can no longer eat chocolate (the horrors!), Sara and I couldn't believe how much I was flirted with throughout the time in this candy shop. The girls, and we are talking about some very beautiful ones, wouldn't leave me alone. As soon as Sara was off paying for something for her dad, I was surrounded by 3 very pretty girls wanting to know more about where I live, etc. It's weird and flattering.

While Sara used to hate this, the large amount of girls flirting with me has become something she's used to. I have to be taken out of shops, malls, stores, and restaurants to be kissed by her. I doubt it's a fear of losing me to some strange girl that has made it known that her panties have various pieces of fruit on them. Due to my strong nose, yes, I can smell pussy very easily. Blue eyes get a girl wet.

But I benefit in odd ways. With Sara now amused by girls' desire to flirt with me, I am told that I am to be fucked as soon as we get back to her apartment. A girl just cannot let a guy go home without spilling his desires all over the place, now can she? 30 minutes of the bed going all over the place and some hair pulling, the boy's balls are emptied. You know a girl has been satisfied when she's laying there with a large smirk and insists on placing her wet panties into the worn out boy's cargo shorts' pocket. I'm a sex object or whore for candy lovers everywhere.

So, I'm outta here as I've had to accept many doggie kisses from a 4-legged critter that missed me a bit too much. 5-Pound Phooey can't wait to deal with her public, poodles and schnauzers, as we torment them with all sorts of bad barks. I'm a whore and she's at war with the neighborhood. Happy twats all around.

Tits Are Magic

"Nobody on the road.
Nobody on the beach."

-"Boys Of Summer" by Don Henley

A vein. One large big thick vein has now made itself known on my right shoulder. Wow. This was all noticed once I stepped out of the bathtub. How the fuck did I create such a new thing like this? This is all new because most of the veins that do stick out of me are living in the biceps, forearms, and even the knees.

The shoulder is a difficult area for me to tone. For one thing, my biceps are a little out of it when it comes to the upper portion. Lower? Oh, they be big, baby! This new look has me a little surprised in saying that maybe this change in workout is doing great things. I've already had a lot of people tell me I look bigger but that's not what I want. That real deep toned look without all that bulk. Don't you just love how the human body is a temple and can be changed for the better? With me, the change has to be very obvious or I'll just dismiss it.

Those flatterers!

Last night, I left my little brother a note telling him I was fed up with his late night filthy porn curiosity's screwing up this computer. There have been far too many times that I've had to clean it up, large amounts of files or cookies slowing this thing down. Sometimes, the computer just freezes after my brother has had his way.

The note was basically written to say that I know he was looking at porn. No big deal. It's just that the websites were very questionable when it comes to viruses. So, no, it wasn't about my distaste for the type of porn he was watching, videos of various women drinking cups or glasses full of semen. There is humor in this because, yes, men were known to circle around chalices in the old days to ejaculate. Even old brothels in Japan offered a service where men would ejaculate into a small glass and watch the prostitute drink it. During World War 2, dead American G.I.'s were placed face down on a table with a hold for the penis to fall through. Someone would then do various actions (finger in ass to massage prostate, most likely) to milk the semen into a bucket. I'm not joking on any of this.

As I noted, I'm always curious as to what turns people on. However, I'm kind of weirded out on this controversy over Maggie Gyllenhaal's breast feeding in public. There are pictures of this on websites where men are just in complete lust. It's no big deal to me but the smallest sight of a naked female breast can really get a guy hootin' and hollerin' these days.

Of course, I am applauding Maggie, a well-known actress, for having the balls to breast feed in public like this. There is nothing wrong about the female breast becoming uncovered. None. While I'm sure there will be nay-sayers that will tell you that toads will fall from the sky, it's really all about a baby getting mother's milk. Then again, Maggie did show that she can actually think. When she said that maybe we brought the problems of 9/11 onto ourselves, a lot of people got pissed off and said she's unpatriotic. Please. If anything, we should a stand up and cheer a woman that doesn't go along with the masses of morons and feels okay with sitting down with a tit out. Did I tell you that Sara LOVES Maggie Gyllenhaal?

Just a short while ago, I was watching a documentary about a burlesque club in Washington D.C. I kind of like the concept of being teased as to what I'm about to see. Strippers could take note of this that. While it's fun to see the lady bits, there is a greatness to building up a male right to the point of revelation of them. It's all about wanting to see what she's going to do next.

I've made it a point on here that I am very rarely attracted to black women. However, I did feel a strong pull when the documentary on burlesque showed us the ladies of Club 55. These girls were nice and fit, not overly showy and giving a feeling of being filthy. Naughtiness and a sense of humor about teasing the various males in the audience was what it was about. I also liked the anticipation of wondering what she's going to do next. "Will she drop the large feathers?" "Where is she going with this dance?" It was all about the build-up that these women used to get the audience entranced. Finally, a place where men were well-behaved instead of making women feel concerned over safety. A true gentleman makes a woman feel safe wherever she is, especially when it comes to the revealing of those bits.

The Suicide Girls do it, too. Why it took so long for a large assortment of women with tattoos and a taste for torn stockings to be considered sexy enough for the stage is beyond me. While I've never been to a show, the videos of them along with the audience's reaction show that some of us are tired of blonde with big tits being considered the only turn-ons. Since I am obviously a submissive male, I got turned on when the Suicide Girl, Stormy, grabbed a guy and spit beer in his mouth. Gross? Well, if you can overlook how great Stormy looks in stockings, a thong and not much else and how cool her name is.

Now, I just want you all to know that I am not saying you are disgusting if you enjoy filthy porn and all that jazz. My only concern for my brother's porn usage had more to do with this computer getting fucked up. I kind of feel bad for him because he's obviously lonely. I don't care what you say. Women are just as bad when it comes to looks because my brother has a very fast metabolism that gives him zero muscle tone. Nothing. This all makes him look like a little boy and doesn't seem to hold much interest for girls or he's just not very good at talking to them. I don't know what his problem is but I wish he had better taste in porn. I know of no girl that enjoys getting semen shot in her face. Not one.

So, I bid thee a good night. Tomorrow, I will be on the road to Indiana with various things for Sara. Her DVD player broke so my old one is going to her. A season of Battlestar Galactica is going to a couple we know because we'd like to see them get hooked on this show. It's that fucking good along with Veronica Mars. Damn, I hate to see good TV shows leave as Sopranos is about to close its doors for good, too. Happy twats all around.

Large Werewolf Schlong?

"Space Eroticism."

-George Lucas describing why he made C-3PO's codpiece so big

Yes, I gave in and picked up that often-mentioned book on the making of Star Wars. How could I not? Before all that selling out by George Lucas in the past few years, it was a romance that spanned many galaxies. Yes, there were bad guys and, yes, there were smugglers' blues as the captain of his ship had to avoid vast amounts of bad guys, the evil Empire. All in all, Star Wars was really a romance where a boy helped clean up his father's mess.

It's not bad, this book, The Making Of Star Wars. You can really see in the pictures a different time period. George looks so young and healthy rather than that giant chin he has now. From the looks of the people that worked on the movie, you'd swear they were having the times of their lives not knowing how this one flick would lead to greatness. For me, it's how the director helped make vast improvements in the surround sound. Back then, it was 2 speaker stereo but now it's 5 speakers or more. Oh, if only I kept those rare Star Wars fan-club fliers.

While scanning in Barnes & Noble for the book, a friend I haven't seen for a long, long time came up to me. Rodney, a guy I met while picking up comics each Wednesday was just as shocked as I was. It's been a long time so I was very curious as to why a guy I saw once each week suddenly disappeared.

Comic book addiction. It seems to happen to various nerds, dorks, geeks, and losers. For Rodney, it was a $45/week habit. I'm not joking because I remember waiting in line with him as he paid for his latest pick-ups. While I'm in at the $10/week, that $45 really puts a sting on things. What I'm guessing is that his wife had a say in things: "The comics or me." There is only so much geekiness a girl can take. If you ever think I'm bad in allowing my inner nerd to come out, you haven't seen Rodney's collection, 12 longboxes filled. I'm at 7 and annoyed with how much space these things take in a room. You'd think there would be pictures of various comic book heroes all around the room but, no, it's just a white room. Hardly anyone knows I read those damn things as I'm slowly losing interest. Fans like me deserve better than artwork that looks like a melted painting.

It's no surprise to say this. I'll be heading on out to Indiana on Friday. You know the drill. This boy will be gone for a short while. It's a good thing, too, because reading Kelley Armstrong's 'No Humans Involved' has been hard to take. Those lovely words that describe how a character's panties are getting too wet to keep on or how the necromancer wanted to surprise her werewolf boyfriend in the morning by getting on her knees to unzip his pants are hard to take when Sara's over an hour away.

Well, it shouldn't be a shock to you that there are times I see a bit of myself along with Sara in a book with occult themes. Me, the guy that can bench-press 300 pounds would certainly be the werewolf while Sara, the darker of us, would be the witch. There's just something about the supernatural that brings an inner sexiness that seems to lay dormant in humans. All that scratching til you bleed? Been there and, yes, it feels good. Being smacked around? How many times has Sara almost broken my fingers while flying around in exctasy as I finger bang her? There's just something about feeling like I'm a werewolf as I walk out wearing only pajama pants and causing Sara's mom to do a double-take thanks to my time in the gym.

No, I am not obsessed with thinking I am a supernatural figure. It's just fun to play around in my mind, a place of my own horrors where I'd certainly be a good werewolf. I'd save the world by catching and then eating murderers and rapists. No pointless courtcases because I shit out an enormous pile of the defendant in someone's rose garden prior to peeing on the daffodils. My personal hatred for how this world is being run has me wondering or dreaming of how great it would be to help make it right. Wouldn't the religious fucks look mighty tasty while basted with herds and spices as they are turned over on a spit?

Giselle Bunchen, the supermodel for Victoria's Secret, has a newer reason for me to be interested in her. While this woman has a fantastic figure of toned tummy, unbelievable tits, and an ass, she can spit out venom with thought I wish everyone else could. As far as I know, Giselle called out the church on its stupidity in preaching about virginity and condoms. She asked to be shown why it is that important for virginity while the clergy are well-known for rapes. The church's telling us that condoms need to be rid of is ridiculous and out of touch. People fuck. It's that simple. Fucking is enjoyable and not all of us want kids or AIDS.

I could go on and on about my hatred for the church and its hypocrisy towards the world and life. It's just that I have this insane image in my head over my little brother's porn obsession. Of course, I'm not one to talk because porn, to me, is good. It's just that my computer is fucked up due to all the crap downloaded onto it.

Why can't my brother look at good porn? The image I have that weirded me out was his need to see videos or images of women drinking large amounts of semen. I'm not talking about the usual oral sex but large amounts of guys squirting into a wine glass, chalice, or beer stein and then having the woman down it. The thought just weirds me out, billions of sperm fighting each other until they realize there is no egg but tonsils to cling to. All but 1 girlfriend I've had has swallowed mine but I seriously doubt they'd be interested in doing something where 20 different guys deliver the ghosts of their balls.

But good porn? Fun stuff like everyone having a great time. Good time fucking involves something where both sexes are going at it. Then again, I like a goofy plot and mild bushes. Kids today are more into the completely bare and bowling balls for tits. Doesn't anyone just fuck anymore instead of seeing how many objects we can stick up a girl?

Alright, so I leaveth you here. This summer is turning out to be quite a doozy. Not only do I have the possibility of a Harry Potter event to see in Chicago, a geek convention to possibly meet Veronica Mar herself, Kristen Bell, but I've promised Bald-O that I'd help paint his new house. Yup, deep in CowTown, I will be going to visit a few more times since it's summer and a boy has a deep oath to his mates. As I said before, we guys don't squeal or giggle but drink, paint, and talk shit. Somewhere in between all this is some guitar playing and baseball games. Like Sara said on turning down the attendance of the last trip to see Bald-O: "I wouldn't fit in." The bathroom just isn't female-friendly seeing as t.p. is a rarity at times. Just wipe with Bald-O's towels but don't tell him. *Wink* Happy twats all around.

Boys Need Lionel Richie

"Today in England, a new theme park opened that is devoted to the legendary author, Charles Dickens. Experts say the Charles Dickens Theme Park is perfect for the family sick of spending every vacation at Jane Austen World."

-Conan O' Brien

My time spent on walks/runs with 5-Pound Phooey have taken a turn for the worse. Girls, teenage girls, are now making themselves very well-known. You'll know because of the screams (Is that how they talk?) of laughter and giggles abound. Since my neighborhood is a wealthy one, I get to see many SUVs freshly bought for their now licensed daughters to use as cathouses or to pick up large bags of weed. What? You think that teenage girls these days would only drive to places they need? Allow me to introduce you to the sex that calls each other on cell phones even though they are only a few feet apart from the recipient of said call.

I don't know. I've never been spoiled with a brand new car. While 5-Pound Phooey was lost in a small amount of large flowers surrounding a mailbox and sending a message by p-mail to an admirer (more likely an enemy), I was forced to observe teenage girls fresh out of their last day of school. A pool party was had to be the destination because various toys were being carried out. All I could do was wonder why a parent would buy a brand new SUV for a species that has seems to constantly ask women's mags whether she can get pregnant on the first time.

With us guys, it's so much more simpler. Cases of beer are placed in the back, pats are given to the dog wanting attention at the gate, farts all around, and various questions that matter most are placed to inquire about girls.

"Would you fuck her?"

The whole point is that we don't squeal with delight at the first sight of each other after only 20 minutes of being apart. We guys are much simpler. I once gave Bald-O the whole rundown by saying life for guys is all about the 3 B's: Beer, broads, and buffets.

I have a dilemma about to come up. Sara's birthday is July 2nd and I'm still puzzled as to what to get her. This is scary coming from a guy that prides himself on spoiling or just plain getting something that she doesn't realize I remembered about. With Sara, I've done the flower route and, yes, girls do love flowers at any time. The first year, I got her Nine Inch Nails t-shirts packed with other things. What's next?

Note: My birthday is September 6th so write that down and send me something. DVDs, nude pictures (especially those that involve vacuuming and driving farm equipment without a stitch on), pictures of bellybuttons (yours), and anything that has something to do with Keira Knightley are all acceptable forms of showing how much you love me.

This is going to sound stupid but I might go the porn route. Normally, you'd think that that would be something between males. Pornography traded or accepted between 2 totally heterosexual males is something that we men pride ourselves on. Women receiving something that has an image of a woman being shagged in all sorts of ways is a bit on the peculiar side.

Hear me out. Sara loves Jenna Jameson. Seriously. While I may admire her wit, I've never been attracted to her (just look at her now-ugh). You could say that Sara has worn out her only Jenna Jameson DVD, The Masseuse, to the point that it's now unwatchable. This was told to me prior to meeting her in the past that she likes porn. I'm certainly fine with a girlfriend that watches grot and has no problem with discussing penises and vaginas at the dinner table. Hey, my mom brings up the topic of assholes! Could a new Jenna Jameson flesh flick be a gift?

Hmmmmmmmmmm............I really, really want a Nintendo Wii or something that would totally take me by surprise. Guitar Hero 2? More Calvin Klein boxer/briefs? A paddle for Sara to smack my sensitive ass? Possibly the best ideal gift would be for me to get a sound system for my car because I feel completely loopy to have to make my own music as I drive that hour and 19 minutes to Indiana. Do you know how many people have taken the time to stare when I break out into my need to sing Debbie Gibson's 'Foolish Beat?'

"That look in their eyes.......has left me beside myself without their hearts."

No, my little assassin did not kill another mole today. Trust me. 5-Pound Phooey is still on the lookout for another little hairy critter to shake to death in her small jaws. Since it's summer, there are times where I have to wait as she smells flowers. Somewhere deep within this powerhouse, there is a very sensitive female looking to be romanced with wine and roses before being taken from behind and boinked til exctasy.

Well, I'm outta here with the need to plan Sara's birthday gift(s). July 2nd isn't far away as I'm also going to miss Bald-O's annual bash for the 4th. I guess, boys are supposed to grow up and start missing various male get-togethers that involves lots and lots of alcohol while crying together about the ones that got away. The best part is when Bald-O and I end up singing Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me." Happy twats all around.