"Today in England, a new theme park opened that is devoted to the legendary author, Charles Dickens. Experts say the Charles Dickens Theme Park is perfect for the family sick of spending every vacation at Jane Austen World."
-Conan O' Brien
-Conan O' Brien
My time spent on walks/runs with 5-Pound Phooey have taken a turn for the worse. Girls, teenage girls, are now making themselves very well-known. You'll know because of the screams (Is that how they talk?) of laughter and giggles abound. Since my neighborhood is a wealthy one, I get to see many SUVs freshly bought for their now licensed daughters to use as cathouses or to pick up large bags of weed. What? You think that teenage girls these days would only drive to places they need? Allow me to introduce you to the sex that calls each other on cell phones even though they are only a few feet apart from the recipient of said call.
I don't know. I've never been spoiled with a brand new car. While 5-Pound Phooey was lost in a small amount of large flowers surrounding a mailbox and sending a message by p-mail to an admirer (more likely an enemy), I was forced to observe teenage girls fresh out of their last day of school. A pool party was had to be the destination because various toys were being carried out. All I could do was wonder why a parent would buy a brand new SUV for a species that has seems to constantly ask women's mags whether she can get pregnant on the first time.
With us guys, it's so much more simpler. Cases of beer are placed in the back, pats are given to the dog wanting attention at the gate, farts all around, and various questions that matter most are placed to inquire about girls.
"Would you fuck her?"
The whole point is that we don't squeal with delight at the first sight of each other after only 20 minutes of being apart. We guys are much simpler. I once gave Bald-O the whole rundown by saying life for guys is all about the 3 B's: Beer, broads, and buffets.
I have a dilemma about to come up. Sara's birthday is July 2nd and I'm still puzzled as to what to get her. This is scary coming from a guy that prides himself on spoiling or just plain getting something that she doesn't realize I remembered about. With Sara, I've done the flower route and, yes, girls do love flowers at any time. The first year, I got her Nine Inch Nails t-shirts packed with other things. What's next?
Note: My birthday is September 6th so write that down and send me something. DVDs, nude pictures (especially those that involve vacuuming and driving farm equipment without a stitch on), pictures of bellybuttons (yours), and anything that has something to do with Keira Knightley are all acceptable forms of showing how much you love me.
This is going to sound stupid but I might go the porn route. Normally, you'd think that that would be something between males. Pornography traded or accepted between 2 totally heterosexual males is something that we men pride ourselves on. Women receiving something that has an image of a woman being shagged in all sorts of ways is a bit on the peculiar side.
Hear me out. Sara loves Jenna Jameson. Seriously. While I may admire her wit, I've never been attracted to her (just look at her now-ugh). You could say that Sara has worn out her only Jenna Jameson DVD, The Masseuse, to the point that it's now unwatchable. This was told to me prior to meeting her in the past that she likes porn. I'm certainly fine with a girlfriend that watches grot and has no problem with discussing penises and vaginas at the dinner table. Hey, my mom brings up the topic of assholes! Could a new Jenna Jameson flesh flick be a gift?
Hmmmmmmmmmm............I really, really want a Nintendo Wii or something that would totally take me by surprise. Guitar Hero 2? More Calvin Klein boxer/briefs? A paddle for Sara to smack my sensitive ass? Possibly the best ideal gift would be for me to get a sound system for my car because I feel completely loopy to have to make my own music as I drive that hour and 19 minutes to Indiana. Do you know how many people have taken the time to stare when I break out into my need to sing Debbie Gibson's 'Foolish Beat?'
"That look in their eyes.......has left me beside myself without their hearts."
No, my little assassin did not kill another mole today. Trust me. 5-Pound Phooey is still on the lookout for another little hairy critter to shake to death in her small jaws. Since it's summer, there are times where I have to wait as she smells flowers. Somewhere deep within this powerhouse, there is a very sensitive female looking to be romanced with wine and roses before being taken from behind and boinked til exctasy.
Well, I'm outta here with the need to plan Sara's birthday gift(s). July 2nd isn't far away as I'm also going to miss Bald-O's annual bash for the 4th. I guess, boys are supposed to grow up and start missing various male get-togethers that involves lots and lots of alcohol while crying together about the ones that got away. The best part is when Bald-O and I end up singing Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me." Happy twats all around.
I don't know. I've never been spoiled with a brand new car. While 5-Pound Phooey was lost in a small amount of large flowers surrounding a mailbox and sending a message by p-mail to an admirer (more likely an enemy), I was forced to observe teenage girls fresh out of their last day of school. A pool party was had to be the destination because various toys were being carried out. All I could do was wonder why a parent would buy a brand new SUV for a species that has seems to constantly ask women's mags whether she can get pregnant on the first time.
With us guys, it's so much more simpler. Cases of beer are placed in the back, pats are given to the dog wanting attention at the gate, farts all around, and various questions that matter most are placed to inquire about girls.
"Would you fuck her?"
The whole point is that we don't squeal with delight at the first sight of each other after only 20 minutes of being apart. We guys are much simpler. I once gave Bald-O the whole rundown by saying life for guys is all about the 3 B's: Beer, broads, and buffets.
I have a dilemma about to come up. Sara's birthday is July 2nd and I'm still puzzled as to what to get her. This is scary coming from a guy that prides himself on spoiling or just plain getting something that she doesn't realize I remembered about. With Sara, I've done the flower route and, yes, girls do love flowers at any time. The first year, I got her Nine Inch Nails t-shirts packed with other things. What's next?
Note: My birthday is September 6th so write that down and send me something. DVDs, nude pictures (especially those that involve vacuuming and driving farm equipment without a stitch on), pictures of bellybuttons (yours), and anything that has something to do with Keira Knightley are all acceptable forms of showing how much you love me.
This is going to sound stupid but I might go the porn route. Normally, you'd think that that would be something between males. Pornography traded or accepted between 2 totally heterosexual males is something that we men pride ourselves on. Women receiving something that has an image of a woman being shagged in all sorts of ways is a bit on the peculiar side.
Hear me out. Sara loves Jenna Jameson. Seriously. While I may admire her wit, I've never been attracted to her (just look at her now-ugh). You could say that Sara has worn out her only Jenna Jameson DVD, The Masseuse, to the point that it's now unwatchable. This was told to me prior to meeting her in the past that she likes porn. I'm certainly fine with a girlfriend that watches grot and has no problem with discussing penises and vaginas at the dinner table. Hey, my mom brings up the topic of assholes! Could a new Jenna Jameson flesh flick be a gift?
Hmmmmmmmmmm............I really, really want a Nintendo Wii or something that would totally take me by surprise. Guitar Hero 2? More Calvin Klein boxer/briefs? A paddle for Sara to smack my sensitive ass? Possibly the best ideal gift would be for me to get a sound system for my car because I feel completely loopy to have to make my own music as I drive that hour and 19 minutes to Indiana. Do you know how many people have taken the time to stare when I break out into my need to sing Debbie Gibson's 'Foolish Beat?'
"That look in their eyes.......has left me beside myself without their hearts."
No, my little assassin did not kill another mole today. Trust me. 5-Pound Phooey is still on the lookout for another little hairy critter to shake to death in her small jaws. Since it's summer, there are times where I have to wait as she smells flowers. Somewhere deep within this powerhouse, there is a very sensitive female looking to be romanced with wine and roses before being taken from behind and boinked til exctasy.
Well, I'm outta here with the need to plan Sara's birthday gift(s). July 2nd isn't far away as I'm also going to miss Bald-O's annual bash for the 4th. I guess, boys are supposed to grow up and start missing various male get-togethers that involves lots and lots of alcohol while crying together about the ones that got away. The best part is when Bald-O and I end up singing Lionel Richie's "Say You, Say Me." Happy twats all around.
2 comments:
So you think teenage girls don't deserve new cars? Or just the uneducated ones? I'm not sure what your point was. I don't think teens are spoiled if they get a new car. *is obviously biased* People seem to underestimate that demographic. I come from the upscale suburbs, so yes, the majority of kids there get a new car when they turn 16. And I agree that some of it is out of control (a couple of kids at my high school wrecked their new Hummers, and their parents immediately bought them new ones) But most of them also work jobs so they can pay for their own gas, insurance, shopping trips, leisure activities, etc. You can't expect kids to be completely independent at that age, but from my perspective, they're definitely working hard.
Well frankly, the girlish squeaking and giggling isn't any more retarded than the monosyllabic grunting of boys. :D
Erm. A lot of used cars don't have airbags and other safety mechanisms that new cars have. Considering teens get in more car accidents than any other age group, it almost makes sense that they should drive the newer cars.
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