Shouldn't Be Here

"This party's as interesting as getting an ingrown butt hair."

-Nowhere

You know you're old when coming home from work is more about dealing with the tiredness from work. Forget parties. Forget going out to get drunk or seduce unsuspecting airheads. Sofa. Sit. Now.

Obviously, it's that time of year as I see it. My DVD player spins "O Holy Night/Come All Ye Faithful" by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, a total pleasure of mine. Department stores start to advertise that all of us should get into the Christmas spirit by telling us to buy! Buy! Buy! Holiday workers start looking less jolly once they realize that you have to work for those employee discounts. Spencer's Gifts rounds it all up with the usual calendars for bad boys and girls. Studs And Spurs or pictures of panties that barely cover 'axe wounds.'

I'm forced to go through the Holiday issues because the traffic I am forced to follow runs through the very areas I talked about. There is no resentment with me on Christmas spirit. What I do hate is being told that I must help out our stores by buying up things I don't really need. Does my dad enjoy smelling like David Beckham? Hell, no! If he could smell like pizza, he'd go all the way with pepperoni and sausage while the dogs follow him around. Do I wish for people to get me gifts? Not really. I have everything I want so the only interest is in seeing how people perceive me. Would you think that I'd want hardback books on baseball? Stephen King novels? Erotic photography? More sneakers? Cargo pants? Hugo Boss scents?

Actually, you can't go wrong with getting me Hugo Boss smelly scents because I love that one. Erotic photography books should be tasteful but also temptingly naughty. Don't get me wrong. I love images of pussy but not always so gyno-like in images. What I really, really want is that feeling I had during Christmas where everything was so magical. Bear with me here. I know it sounds corny but being a kid was all about the wonders of the world. The tree was up and wrapped presents were all around. Oh, how I loved that! Cookies came out of the oven. A cartoon had a very special episode that must be seen. Pajamas were worn instead of what I do now, which is sleep nude. I once wore cowboy boots. Did I ever tell you about that?

Right now, I'm so jaded. There is nothing I want but to make other people enjoy this time of year. Sara will be easy to shop for. For her birthday this year, I got her diamond earrings so that route is done. I wondered about bags because she's always criticizing other girls' bags as being 'crazy expensive' but with a feeling of wanting one. Thought about the Coaches or Luis Vuittons because I'd love to see what she'd do with one of those. Instead, I am just going to follow her orders by working with her parents on getting her a new Mac computer. Yes, that is exactly what she wants and hopefully will get.

My memories are filled with all sorts of times that I always seemed to need something, particularly, in the toy department. Mom would send me off in a different section of a store (Target, for example) while she gathered up things put on my part of the list. Of course, I would sneak around and catch her without her realizing it. I'm sneaky. Remember that. Funny how one of my greatest memories was of being mesmerized by Mila Jovovich's music video "Gentleman Who Fell" on a TV in the music department. If there is one thing that can keep me from spoiling my mother's need to hide from the impossible it's beauty and elegant music combined.

So, I'm going to leaveth you here. There is just too much tiredness within me. Even the deaf guy's hinting on me to join him in a bowling game couldn't beat it. Work just wears me out and I need lay on my bed for a short while before taking 5-Pound Phooey for her nightly walk. Could it be that tomorrow will find me reading Stephen King's 'The Mist?' Nothing scares me anymore. Sucks to be jaded. Happy twats all around.