Year In Review

"I can see Chicago from my house."

-Me

Well, this is my Year In Review entry. What I'm going to do about all this is to just add things throughout the week, clearly leading into next year. In other words, this is going to one mutha of an entry as I find more things to add each day. You have been warned and, hopefully, offended.

1). The best way to start out all this is by what you see around you. Never before have I seen something like the recession we are in. A mall nearby has closed its doors. People are having an impossible time finding jobs. Worked 25 years for a company? Means nothing as many more get layed off over people worrying over their own money. In other words, is it possible that Americans realize there are more important things than owning everything?

I think a lot of this goes along with watching Sara try and find employment. It was certainly a bitch to see her near giving up. It was in the car coming back that Sara told me she didn't know what she was going to do after being turned down yet again. Even though it's great that she's working at Macy's, there is still the inevitable due to retail's sluggish season ending. Many of my own friends now work less hours at their old jobs only to be forced into working part-time at another job.

What about my job? Been there just over a year, 1 year and 3 months, to be exact. I've had plenty of ups and downs in regards to how I am treated. Yeah, I've got muscles but they do wear the fuck down after hauling things weighing over 50 pounds day after day. Plus, I don't understand why managers bitching you out don't put down their fucking machine thingees to help. I can only do so much, fucker. Plus, why is it that certain employees get treated so much better than us lowly dock workers? Employee morale is a must.

2). Yeah, I supported Obama. In no way do I regret it, even if there are a few things he's done that annoy me. Serves me right. Obama did say that he was willing to work with all, instead of filtering out the bastards that continue to ruin this world. This so-called amazing pastor that has been invited to the Inauguration is just a small issue while the holding off of taxing the rich gets to me more. We are a nation in great distress. Dealing with the issues of allowing gays to marry can wait for now.

But why not? I'm impressed with a presidential hopeful displaying his feelings that gays should be allowed to marry. Tis' would be nice. Think of how the economy would be helped by catering! Gays love to exhibit taste, most likely more so than the typical wedding that tends to look more like white trash exhibit A these days. As much as I do enjoy seeing religious leaders' facial expressions when mentioning a pussy touching another pussy or two dicks finding their way into another male's mouth, it's time to allow gays to marry. Where a person puts their genitals is of no concern to you, reader.

Pray tell. Obama's going to have one hell of a time in the White House. Our current president has left an enormous mess to sort through. No matter what Obama does, there is going to be plenty blame placed his way. The first 100 days, or possibly more, may give him a bit of lee-away due being new and black. In my own view, no matter what Obama does, it will be far superior than what McCain could come up with.

3). Personally, I've grown to slow down in my need to blog. It's a weird thing, to sit here at a computer and feel like I am talking to myself. Seriously, that's how I view this thing. Whatever my mind is going over ends up here in my own little space I have allowed you to read. I've no problem offending you for I am a firm believer that that kind of thing awakens a reader out of his/her little safe spot. Plus, we all enjoy discussing the little weird things about sex. Penises are ridiculous looking. Vaginas? We all know they can wreck havoc with their vast amounts of smells.

Work kind of wears me down to the point that I'd rather do other things than sit here at a computer. With my deaf co-worker to bitch things out with, I'm less prone to outbursts. Ah, yes, being in a large cold truck tends to rock me to sleep. By 11pm, I'm almost as dead as a doornail these days.

That's not to say I don't enjoy blogs. There are a few I've been reading for years and years. Isn't that creepy? When I look back at it all, I realize that I've known some people over the computer for more than 5 years. When it reaches 10 years, I think it's done time we admit we're all married to each other. To think that it was just over 3 years that I was once offered a pair of dirty knickers by a woman that told me I am in need of a good spanking.

4). One thing I will not forget about this year is being told that Sara misses me all the time. Yes, little ol' me, the white boy with no ass, has been hinted at that I need to start thinking of moving to Indiana next year. I still remember that evening very well. For one thing, it was my birthday in an Italian restaurant that Sara had a slightly hard time telling me that I am missed when I leave the bed to go back home.

Obviously, this will be a first. I've never been told that after years of dating, it's time to take the next step. With Sara and I, it all started at her favorite burger restaurant, X-Men 2 in the DVD player, and sex. See? Sex on the first date does tend to keep some guys. So, stop fretting about that blowjob you gave to the guy you picked up on 2nd Street. He might actually come back for another one.

This is where I'm scared. Moving in is a big step. It's an even bigger step when two people have completely different viewpoints on how to keep an apartment/house. I'm neat. Sara is...well, it's like her closet throws up everyday. No matter how hard I try to keep my eyes closed upon entering her room, I just cannot understand how someone can allow large piles of dirty clothes to be all over a room. I've had this slight fantasy of hosting dinner parties in Sara's apartment, as her friends do. How is that possible when there are dirty panties and socks all over the place? It's even harder to feel sexual when the coughing and sneezing overcome me.

5). My car. Oh, lordy! What a great year to experience things go wrong on an interstate! Even better is the fact that I got driven home by a guy with only one hand. Remember Flipper? That was his nickname after having the fingers in one of his hands pulled out by a horse. You just cannot go wrong with a discussion of Flipper over dinner. It's almost like being an astronaut. While he/she might say, "But have you ever been to the moon," I would end up saying, "Yeah, but have you ever been driven home by a guy with only one hand?"

One of the scariest things is having a car break down on the interstate. Fuck! I'm not one to cry but I sure as hell got angry on that hot day driving home. Pulled over to the side and noticed that I only had battery power to get one phone call out. Lucky for me, I met Flipper, of course. I'm certainly not mad about how 30 minutes of being there meant no one else bothered to stop. How many times have you pulled up to a person in distress to help out?

There were other incidents where my car quit. This also brought about the answer as well. My dad changed the fuel type by allowing me to run on E-85. While it does work in the city, the interstate is a whole other matter. Things tend to overheat or the car reads a full tank of E-85 as being empty. Weird. Think of what I went through. 2 or 3 months to figure that all out.

This being a recession, my car went through another ordeal. It was broken into for the first time! Ah-ha! I popped my cherry when it comes to dealing with people that absolutely need your $1.75 of change that consists of nickels and pennies. That's all they got, along with the garage door opener whose code we had to change. Once things settled down, I do admit to a little bit of being freaked that someone had been in my car without my permission. No matter how fucked up the car, intrusion is not warranted.

6). The Dark Knight, what an amazing movie! As of December 29th, I have seen it around 8 times and it just keeps impressing me with how it all came together. Sure, we all hear about Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. While I must say that I was thrilled that it was hype worthy of placing this man up for an Oscar, I must say that, by jolly, the darkness consumed me into a mist that I could not comprehend yet I allowed it to overtake me into its warm embrace. This is what Batman is about.

What people keep forgetting is that Batman is a man obsessed with some sort of psychologically implanted need to rid the world of evil and its ilk. He just does not fuck around. Period. The director, Christopher Nolan (geeks are now in love with this man), gave us a movie full of things that this comic book is famous for. The street fight scene, while there are a lot of good scenes, is something I continue to watch over and over. The Joker, a bit on the suicidal side, dares Batman to bend his rules of not killing no matter how evil the person is. Look at Batman's anger as he is forced to decide on this, even if it means crashing into the truck.

There was no funny sidekick, something that has irritated me to no avail. When it came to The Dark Knight, I truly felt like I was home to those stories I read as a kid. These weren't little kids' comics but more adult where decisions, no matter the outcome, just aren't easy. Sometimes, people just fucking die, man.

The Dark Knight went like this: The Joker was chaos to Batman's rigid goodness (even if he did bend the rules sometimes) and Two-Face represented chance. Nothing is as simple as this but these are the best descriptions you can get. What the Joker kept trying to do is get everyone to realize that society can create the very evil it tries to rid itself of. An old joke in comics is that when a person in costume shows up, another will appear as well. Plus, no one is absolutely perfect. No one.

2 other movies got to me, Wanted and Tropic Thunder. The latter is what I saw a couple days ago on Pay Per View. You take a group of spoiled actors, place them in the middle of an actual war without realizing it, and you create one hell of a great mess. You will not recognize Robert Downey Jr. in black-face for he is so in character. Wanted is just this big ass question about whether you are happy with your life. Hate it? Change it and find yourself in the process, especially if the 2nd best assassin looks like Angelina Jolie. Oh, how I loved it when she rose out of the recovery pool butt-naked! You know me. I love a woman's ass. Of course, there was that other scene that amused the fuck out of me, when Wesley smashed the keyboard into the face of the guy fucking his girlfriend. The keys broken off spell "Fuck You."

7). Walks with 5-Pound Phooey. Where would I be without my daily walks in the park with my little demon of mayhem? Hard to believe that this dog will stand her ground when it comes to telling everyone, be it big or small, that 5-Pound Phooey is boss. Everytime I take her to get my haircut, she has to chase the cats out of the bushes. People laugh when something so tiny goes straight up to their large dogs' faces to do some sort of doggy cussing. 5-Pound Phooey's not mean, just really, really bossy.

The funny thing is that, as of today, I am not high on 5-Pound Phooey's list. She does not like combings. This is something she needs so I am not backing down on getting rid of those tangles that make her look a bit like a dog that's spent some time starting fights in the streets over who pissed on her p-mail messages. Have comb? 5-Pound Phooey all gone.

8). Pregnancy tests. What is it with you girls and your periods!?! It's weird how stress can take them away. It's even weirder how if a bunch of girls live together all their periods will sync up. Can't you just will away crotch bleeding?

All I can say about pregnancy tests is that it's just not fun to sit on the bathroom floor while Sara pees on a stick. Sure, there are those that get sexual thrills watching women pee but not I. I know it doesn't just appear as a result of magic, unlike some guys. A bathroom's tiles just don't bring about the need for sex even if her panties are down.

There is one amusement I do confess to. I've always paid attention to how girls sit when peeing because these positions come in a variety. The cutest has to be knees together but feet wide apart while the weirdest has to be sitting straight up with knees and feet together. Kristan, my virginity taker, would always just have her legs and feet wide apart. Jen was the most hilarious because late nights meant zombie-like mornings. Her feet and knees were tightly together but her head was most often in her lap. Some of you piss so fucking loud!

Yes, it's scary when faced with wondering why a period has gone AWOL. I don't want kids and neither does Sara. We're the ones that sit in restaurants wishing all the noisy kids would just fucking disappear. You'd think that it's the bad parenting that's done it for us. No, we just don't like kids. Every once in a while, I do get curious as to what kind of child my sperm can create. It's strictly fantasy because I think more along the lines of superhuman geniuses with the strength of 10 men. The girls would all be ninjas.

Anyway, the results were that we aren't pregnant. There will be no shouting, "This is all your fault!" at my dick.

9). The drive to Chicago was quite scary. Ever driven to this city? Well, I found myself being forced to drive there on April 9th all because Sara wanted to meet one of her favorite authors, Christopher Rice. After filling up at a diner, I was so nervous about hitting that long interstate into a large city that's as confusing as being forced to choose between Jaws and Aliens with only 2.5 hours of viewing time. Do I go for the 'bigger boat' or 'grinnin' and droppin' that linen?'

I've a huge fear of driving in a big city. Sure, I've been to Chicago a few times, mostly in the downtown area where the Water Tower is. Only, this was where someone else was driving. Those long traffic jams and people driving insane through large tunnels! That was me! There were 7 lanes that led into a dark tunnel and all Sara and I had was a trusty sidekick G.P.S. to get us there. Ask Sara. I was fucking freaked out but got us there, 3 tollroads later.

Of course, the Barnes & Noble that Christopher Rice appeared at was enormous! This was my kind of place, located within a very wealthy area where Armani and Lacoste set up shop. I was in love! The bookstore itself had more books than I'm used to so I pretty much stuck with scanning through the photography section where I found an $80 book on the Perelli Calender made famous for its use of beautiful supermodels barely dressed or just naked. Told you I love ass.

Sara was extremely happy about meeting Christopher Rice, a man with a large gay following. I'm not saying that in the lightest sense because you are talking to a guy with no gaydar. Here I was faced with alarms all around me. There were so many gay guys that I just had to smile at their drooling over an author considered hot by their standards, skinny with a face that's quite peculiar. Me, I talked two guys in front of Sara and I into taking a picture of her with Christopher Rice. I've no problem with talking to gays. In fact, I had a blast discussing something that I cannot remember just now.

Whatever. The whole point is that April 9th was one very scary day but well-spent. I'm scared of Chicago but its more along the lines of respect. My family loves the movie, The Blues Brothers, because they know that place well. I'm just catching up.

10). There has got to be something not so honorable about a guy that is proud of his crotch smelling like raspberries or orange mango or amber. Yes, I changed things around when I discovered the glories in feminine bath products. I'm a total bath guy by heart thanks to the need to soak after running my body through the most serious of workouts. There isn't a problem with me going all girly by laying in a bath for hours with the latest tabloid as candles provide my only light.

If you don't remember the incident, this all started when Sara came to stay here for her birthday. When she saw what was used as bubbles, I was ordered to change things around immediately. I'm a guy so I tend to follow what I'm used to, dishwashing detergent. Seriously, I never knew why my skin itched so bad after a bath til Sara pointed things out.

The mall! We went to a few places where I smelled so many great smells. While many guys would look away in disgust, I fell in love with Bath & Bodyworks. Give me lime! Give me raspberries! Just why do I have to be obsessed with the greatest of smells, fruits? People either laugh or look at me with their jaws dropped when I admit to sniffing Strawberry Shortcake's panties. In my defense, I was young, in love with strawberries, and in need of a legal high.

Sara always laughs at how their is a new smell on my cock. One day it could be Japanese blossoms. The next? It's really more of a mystery because I have over 25 different scents in my bathroom. While Sara doesn't like the smell of amber, I have a tendency to be mess with her by having my balls seem like they were dipped in it.

11). Ah, the inevitable threesome question that came up in an Italian restaurant, the same one I was asked to think about moving to Indiana. Sara once wrote in her blog that she'd get a slight tickle over watching my cock go into another girl. In other words, she'd be the third person observer that gets to view all my movements instead of having to shout at the ceiling as I pound her pussy.

First of all, I am completely monogamous. Some might see it as an error, particularly the ones that continue to hit on me. Those Bath & Bodyworks girls seem to smile a bit more knowing my cock is gonna smell really, really good. It's just that there is a slight scientist in me that would like to do some exploring. I've been with Sara for almost 4 years so my penis has not been in another girl for a long time. Add that to the fact that I enjoy scents. Voila! I'd like to explore two pussies at the same time just to compare the feel, scents, and enjoyment of it all. Trust me. If I'm in you, I'm going to see just how good you feel in there.

Sara laughed when I had a girl in mind. Mind you, I'm quite picky and take Sara into account on all this. Most of my female friends are absolutely gorgeous (a newscenter's anchor and a Puerto Rican I talked to today will give you an idea) but aren't as crazy as me. One that would be absolutely into it is now married. That's a total no-no with me. I'd never take the chance on wrecking a marriage even if the issue seemed impossible. What I wanted was someone that could get along with Sara as well.

One person I had in mind seemed to constantly go through bad days. Like Sara, I had this weird energetic want to please her while Sara looked on. I hate seeing people worn the fuck out by society's stupidity and would just want her to lay back for major fucking. Let me do the work by slowly sliding in to help forget about a nasty boss. My inner scientist would like to have its way by pleasing both pussies back and forth by feeling how wet, the tightness, and where her most sensitive spot is. I know Sara's, deep thrusting always gets it done.

From the way I see a threesome, it's just fun. The body was made for sin. There is a deep love of pussy when it comes to me. Its that smell, the feel, and seeing my cock's skin completely covered in wetness that helps make a day much better. This has to be under consideration by both and, yes, I'd love to see Sara eat pussy. I'd be down there as well after I've pumped myself silly

But the best thing about a threesome and a major reason for who I choose is what to do afterwards. You talk! Gawd, why just get up and leave!?! You need someone you can talk about music and movies with. There is a silly side wanting to be let out all while knowing that this is not an everyday event. Sometimes a girl just needs her pussy tamed and the girlfriend realizes this. For now, this is just a fantasy that came about when Ron Jeremy was surprised with around 15 naked girls in a room. After licking 3 or 4, he had to get his dick out or he'd burst. Why do I use Ron as an example? He actually cared about pleasing each girl.

Alright, I will be leaving tomorrow for Indiana but know this is not done. I've to do a few more things that need to be added to all this. Where oh where do I go when it comes to the enjoyment of having the Playboy Channel? I've learned so much from their sex news segments, foreign and domestic fetishes. I even have to edit some things in this enormous entry so stay tuned for me when I get back. New Year's Eve always brings announcements from within large groups like ours.

So, I will be back to place more things as well as add to what I already have. Stay tuned as I have yet to get to the most exciting things of all.........sex! Playboy Channel! Sarah Palin! Porn! My obsession with peppermint ice cream!

Just Don't Gulp 'Em

"It's cold days like this that my natural enemy bares her true self. When a boy like me has a girl that enjoys placing her icy hands down my pants to grab my balls just to hear me release a major amount of screams, it's just sheer will-power that I drive to Indiana so calm."

-Me

Found myself doing something I normally don't do, talking to a kid. It's true. Here I was in Barnes & Noble looking at the latest graphic novels only to get chatted up by a short chubby kid I'd still recognize with ease. A part of me wonders if the 2 Playboy issues in my hands caught his attention or just the sight of me scanning for anything new. The smart money is on his adolescent fantasies of hopefully one day seeing a woman naked without suffering from the burning itching sensation.

I saw a little bit of me in this kid. What I was curious about is what he thought of the new Wolverine: Origins trailer that made its debut on Youtube recently. Naturally, I was quite hyper about how I loved it. Some of my favorite characters will be making an appearance, characters that I know women will want to see. X-Men's Gambit has been getting the most buzz but, for me, it's Deadpool. Ryan Reynolds, ever since Blade 3, has got to be perfect for playing a comic book character. There are a few people that I wish I owned their bodies and Ryan is one of them.

Hence why I'm doing my best with the running thing lately.

It's just odd for me to actually talk to a kid. I hate them. It could be that I just see them as part of the ills in society these days. People are just dumber. Hardly anyone wants to learn. Go ahead, look at your cellphone instead of learning to add, subtract, or multiply. Care not for the feelings of others as you find yourself more in love with the amount of friends on your Myspace page.

Right now, I am reading 'The Harlequin,' an occult series book where Anita Blake is a vampire hunter out to help calm this world where zombies do happen. I can see why it's found a sect of readers, namely women and gay males. I only got into it by accident when I was looking for something that could take me away from my usual appetite in books, women with guns. In this case, Anita caries a gun but she also chops off some heads so it seems like a fetish for me.

What I found so amusing is that the character, Anita, has to live off of sex. Somewhere along the time I lost track of reading, she got herself into a mess where in order to live with all the animals within her (shape-shifting) she has to create the energy to substain all of them. In this case, it is sex. I dunno. It felt funny reading a page devoted to what it is like to be on your knees in a bathtub licking the water dripping from a guy's balls.

It must be fun to be forced to have sex with so many types of occult characters. Various shape-shifters have to take turns keeping our hero alive. Penises are presented. The girlfriends or wives of the males that must do this prefer it not be oral sex. Could you girls live with that? The fate of a large city depends on whether or not a woman has a magical orgasm with your dude. I know some girls that would be very, very upset if Anita swallowed so it just might be fact.

Of course, I have been hard at work using my mind to come up with my annual entry on the Year In Review. Good or bad? Piss me off? Who knows. I'm not quite done with these large paragraphs sitting around my head. I do know what some of the things are that got many mentions in this blog. This just might be the year I don't get as angry as I normally sound.

So, if your day has been rougher than you wished because you passed out in a very embarassing way, be glad the year is almost over. While you may need to be picked up off the potty, I had to chase my dogs down outside. Cold hard old turds make for great fudge-sicles, apparently. Happy twats all around.

Someon's Got Christma Spirit!

"I would like to thank Bath & Bodyworks for helping my dick to smell like an orange mango combination."

-Me

Well, I must say that nothing quite beats seeing our president receive the ultimate Iraqi insult, shoes thrown at him. What irritates me is how so many American people kiss his ass after 8 years of ruining America. It takes a foreigner to put things in the right perspective. Millions of shoes should have been thrown at Bush.

My mum went caroling today. That is all I will tell you even if the nursing home residents said her group did a good job.

Once again, I find myself in questions relating to Christmas gifts. What do I get Sara? I'm going the boring route because it's obvious that the economy has been hard on her. This means DVDs and a gag gift (sorta) all about someone I cannot stand. I'm in complete annoyance that she loves Tila Tequila, the Myspace whore. For one thing, she's incredibly vapid and in no way gorgeous. Angelina Jolie I can understand America's obsession with. Tila? No. She looks like something from another planet threw up on ours.

I'd rather be on a deserted island with MTV's Jesse Camp than Tila Tequila.

I've already got everything I've ever wanted. Shoes? More Air Jordan sneakers than I care to admit. Socks? A whole year's worth. According to Sara, I'm a girl inside. I take baths with smelly things from Bath & Bodyworks where my even my dog quesions my sexuality by sniffing me at a point that I smelled like black raspberries.

It's been a long weekend all due to the obscene traffic brought on by the Holidays. The mall is no longer possible after 10am. Best Buy is a place you have to fight for a parking spot. Borders? Oh, man! In all my time, I've never had to circle the lot for a spot. Let's just say that I wish fat nerds would move a little faster.

One thing I noticed at our Borders is that every one of The Dark Knight DVDs and Blu-Rays was sold. Every. Fucking. One. I've never seen a complete collection of movie sold before. All the Wall-E's, Narnias, Wanteds, and Sopranos were there. While it is nice to see such great taste in which a movie that questions what a hero is gets sold so well, it's gonna feel weird when pretty much every household will have a copy. Kind of reminds me of how I was so tired of Nintendo's Duck Hunt game because everyone had a copy. Fun but gets boring eventually.

Again, The Dark Knight is absolutely incredible to view. In fact, I would like to watch it again so I might buy Sara a copy for her DVD player since she has yet to upgrade to a Blu-Ray. 2 times in the movie theater is not enough to see Heath Ledger's Joker.

I now find it weird to continually smell raspberries.

We are due for a snowstorm this week! It's been a while where I had to dig us all out. No one is in such great shape when it comes to dealing with Mother Nature. But I, yes, I am. There is something romantic about the complete quiet outside in the dark of night as no one else has to balls to dig with a shovel. I'm sure my family finds me retarded every now and then.

What keeps me going is knowing that Sara's mom is pretty damn cool when it comes to Christmas. Unlike my mum, she goes all out with a Christmas tree, quiche, and presents. This house has not seen such things in years because it gets boring when it comes to cash. Real men eat quiche. Real men also enjoy hanging up shiny balls around a fake tree instead of hearing how it's too much work to do.

So, a day is finally over. Renewed my gym membership and ran my little tired heart out on the treadmill of doom. Loved every minute when I had the feeling the cute college girl behind me got to see my tiny little toned ass move to the groove. Gawd, I so need a fine sexual release underneath a large comfy bed at this time of year. Lugging balls this big and full of 'poison' is not the way to go. Happy twats all around.

I'm Confused

"You lead a pretty good life."

-Sara

Interesting choice of words to tell me when I'm sitting there on the bathroom floor as Sara pees for our third pregnancy test. Or should I just say that stress can really effect a woman's period rather than to wonder if I've created a bastard? What if I told you that I'm so happy that I'm too stupid to realize it?

A lot of questions. I'm always in some kind of predicament where I preach to a bunch of unknowns over the 'Net that I don't like myself or I fee like I'm telling how great I am. It's all politics as usual.

In case you were stuck in a cave or tied up to the bed due to another one of your sickest sexual fantasies, Illinois is under quite a microscope. Our governor, Rod, was taken away by the Feds this morning. It's all over the goddamn news, local and national. Us Illinoisans laugh because it's not really much of a surprise. Hundreds of probes and wiretaps, yet this dumb as shit governor talked like a cornered canary about how he deserves a job worth hundreds of thousands while Illinois is having a hard time paying its bills. It pains me to say this but I actually voted for the guy because the only other option was a Republican that looked more evil. My only mistake in the polls so far...........

Yes, I leave room for the unknown.

Getting back from Sara's is even harder on me. Drive almost an hour and a half, kill myself during the job, and get told I'm too slow while others stand around and talk. Am I the only one that feels as if managers are too dumb to go after people that are the real culprits behind slowdowns in such a field? Weird. No boo-hooing but to wonder why my ability to continuously lift major amounts of weight for hours doesn't give me a little rest. A manager, namely ours, gets to walk around and order. Very little physical labor. Yeah, a fully-rested individual can just jump into something to show how easy it is to lift 10-20 pounds. Try doing it after 2 hours, asshole. See if I show up for extra work on the Holiday's weekends.

Gawd forgives. I don't.

Got my piano-playing hands on The Dark Knight. Sara will tell you I got excited each and every time this movie's trailer was shown. I'm a Batman fanatic, baby! When you add an amazing Heath Ledger for The Joker, it's all orgasms and chuckles.

This will be my third viewing of The Dark Knight. Two times in the theater and now on my high definition TV after receiving it at midnight. You should have seen me. I was a complete mess inside, even if dressed very impressively in a Ralph Lauren topcoat. Tired and exhausted while I wanted to look good for such a splendid occasion. I just couldn't help but look at the people entering the line behind me. Nerds are single for a reason. I will leave it at that.

So, I see my Year In Review will be coming up. Hooray. Did anyone here piss me off? Did you tell me I'm an idiot for loving Obama? How many times did you say that I stopped making sense? How about your own blog? Did you talk politics but didn't vote during such a crucial year? Oh, how I love to get into things that make me turn your blog off when the cowardly lot decide that the right to vote means nothing to them. I'm always surprised to find that people still like me after 5 years because, like Sara, I can be a bit blunt.

I'm going to mosey on up and finish The Dark Knight. Hope you will, too, because it's a beautifully done movie that will not allow you to look away upon first viewing. Leave me be to hate how women's periods constantly confuse me when it comes to their inner issues. Sometimes science forces you to spend money that isn't needed. Happy twats all around.

Why So Serious?

"There's a first time for everything, right?"

-Me

Found myself with a funny feeling in me tummy this morning. More like a sense of anger over unnecessary things is what I'd say. My priorities seem to be mixed the fuck up but......welcome to my trivial brain where you'll stay for a while only because I won't allow you to go.

My car was broken into last night. This will be a first for me after hearing so many stories from other people about their experiences with this. Sara's at around a 3 incidents report so she'll get where I am coming from on this. While coming across the front door slightly open this morning, my only thought was on why my change drawer under the dash was open. Oops! All my nickels were gone! About $1.50 in nickels and pennies were gone! A lost gallon of gas!

This is where my priorities run weird. I went to the gym right after finding out that my car was broken into. Halfway in my workout, I get a call to the gym itself that I must come home to speak to the police officer. Poop. My dad's truck was broken into so there was more to all this as I got annoyed about my lack of closing off my workout's provided serenity. Would you believe I almost stayed instead, just to get that final pump provided by the treadmill?

Yeah, still on some weird high over rediscovering the treadmill. After reading me for 5 or so years, you'd know I go through stages where I love something only to toss it away soon after. I'm finding that cardio high again, something that makes my legs feel so good. Who knew a 30-minute walk could do that?

And why not? You'd understand when you see the weather's lovely snow. Only a few inches but to a dog that is barely 10 is quite a lot. Without the walks at night, I might as well enjoy the calmness provided by a machine that doesn't have me stop every 5-minutes to check p-mail messages.

That's really the issues. My car's being broken into doesn't bother me.....much. There was no damage to the window or door thanks to my accidentally leaving it unlocked (of all the times....) for a rare moment. I've never left valuables behind. No GPS. No cash. Just some change and my brain when it comes to priorities. Talk to me after my workout. Before? I'm a totally different story.

Oh, and Sara's? Good times even if she worked all weekend. Watched the movie, Blade Runner all by my lonesome and found it a good sci-fi flick ahead of its time. Would you believe that there are something like 5 different versions of that movie? The one I watched was the 'Final Cut' so I cannot tell you how that differs from the original version seen long ago.

Plus, I had to get Wanted. Angelina Jolie? Guns? Hello me! It was so nice to see her ass again as she walked away from receiving a replenishing bath. You'll see what I mean. Boobs are nice but ass is so much my forte'.

So, Have a good one as you will not be as self-absorbed as I. Crack addicts need that high. Automaker CEOs need that salary to brag about. Ah's only need a gym for my piece of mind. Happy twats all around.

Not A Pony

"My dog's snorts are similar to a cat's purrs."

-Me

So, how did it all go? In other words, did you have a happy Thanksgiving or were you one of those people that are constantly being interviewed for news programs telling us that we should feel bad when the camera pans down the local food bank's waiting lines? Gawd, I hate that. It's especially bad when my only item that could be called part of a wish-list happens to be a Ralph Lauren topcoat that costs $475.

Well, I woke up around 9am and hit the gym just to walk on the treadmill to kill time. It wasn't my usual seriousness moment where I hit my body hard. Just chill. Some people might find it weird that I enjoy some sense of serenity while walking nowhere for 20 minutes straight but not I. Hell, I have no real reason to because there are 2 strikes against me:

1). I'm white so I have no ass

2). I'm already with so little bodyfat that I melt everything right off

Today, I got kind of lost on that treadmill centered between 5 hanging TVs. It's kind of hard not to since one contained a soap, the next one had ESPN, the middle had USA Network, then CNN, and the one all the way to the right had FOX News. Football, horny housewives, a cranky doctor named House, terrorists taking over a hotel, and made up news made 20 minutes go by super fast. 150 calories burned and a bout of ADD to realize.

Some of the people I haven't seen in so long came to the gym. Remember, I'm working my little white-nothing-ass in the mornings now. Richard, my globe smuggling belly friend, stunned me by telling me he got married. Barely 3 months of dating and it guarantees a guy had the right to introduce you to his wife by slapping her on the ass and feeling her tits.

My friends are weird. Even those that are 50 look funny when pretending to doggstyle the air to tell me what they are doing on the weekends.

Of course, that means I have to continue walking even when I get home because a certain little dog threatens me with furry violence of the paw kind. 5-Pound Phooey has pee-mail to check as I walk around the small lake near the house. It's no wonder I have no ass. There is no time to grow it.

However, I do enjoy a good smacking and then a gentle rub.

I always hate walking by other people's houses during the Holidays. Seeing so many cars in driveways makes me jealous due to having a small family. Yesterday, I saw my deaf co-worker invite another co-worker over to his house since there is no family for him to visit. See? It's not all about me learning dirty words in sign language along with 'fart' and 'horny.' Sure, using those types of words makes the work go by much faster but I still have a nice sweet side to me. Just wish my family were bigger, less spread out, and that my mom didn't have that miscarriage so I'd have a sister to torment.

Ah, yes, speaking of torment, I will be going to Indiana this weekend. Thanks to the loveliness of having the Playboy Channel, I get to tell Sara all about the hour-long segment on sex practices of the world. She just loves learning about nasty fetish things that make other girls cringe. While there is delight to find an island where beautiful women can find their bodies completely painted and a bus that lets people with computers watch girls do naughty things and even use the bathroom, Amsterdam is extra naughty. Think of a giant rave where people dress in fetish gear or whatever is an obvious clothing meant to tittilate. Bare tits and penises waving all around as you dance! A dungeon for those that enjoy pain? Beware for if the infamous dominatrix on duty is on the rag, she will put a tampon in your ass while you are tied down. Ladies will want to bring their boyfriends just so they can splatter the well-known Sperm Wall with their semen. Blowjobs happen anywhere at anytime. We've got a bathroom where men can have girls hold/aim their penises while they pee in the correct place and women can bend over and have men wipe their pussies. Too much for you? You're probably an American because you are boring and dream of ponies.

So, hang on to your tampon strings, ladies. The Holidays aint done just yet as we now have to deal with nasty traffic and unwanted relatives. I'll be on a treadmill tomorrow while getting my CNN fix, then work, and possibly Indiana at night or the next morning. Sara's mom wanted me there for Thanksgiving but this family is small enough as it is. Happy twats all around.

Gerri Gurl This, Mutha!

"Bent over sucking your boyfriend off is all good and fun. Lo and behold! What is this cold wet nose doing pressed against your asshole!?! The dog just wants to know if this is a friendly event and when that grilled cheese sandwich is due to be dropped off."

-Me

Well, I found porn mishaps to be especially funny at this time of year. Hopefully, you, too, can find joy of the canine variety when trying to find a parking spot has become a major bitch and a half.

What I love about this time of year is how even the most religious nut cannot see how insane she sounds when interviewed on TV about how she is going to spend less at this time of year due to the sluggish economy. Hark, I thought we were forced to celebrate Jeezus's birthday. Is it really more about getting things? Why do we feel forced to spend $500 on people after an evening at church?

The sad part of all this is how the local food pantries are having a hard time keeping up with the lines of people in need. Breaks yo' heart to turn away those that don't quite smell as good but try to stay away from the hard liquor before insisting they are a military veteran. It always weirds me out when the black churches allow their main pastors to be interviewed in the nicest suits. You'd think that they'd forget buying one just to be able to stock a few more jars of peanut butter but no............

Okay, so I'm a little irritable about the Holidays. It seems like I can never really get to enjoy them as I did when I was a kid. No worries back then. Just get out that ginger bread house and connect with frosting instead of wondering about how you're gonna get through another day of craziness at work. You just cannot avoid the number of things that come in and need to get out before Christmas. Carpets and tires are what make me want to shout at the ceiling when I know it's gonna be a long day at work because the little Mexican co-worker has decided to brag about his latest hickeys.

FYI: I have never known how people can date/fuck/sleep with different people each weekend. I've always been in relationships rather than a new wet pussy to explore. Hickeys are fun, though. I can give as good as I get. Just watch Sara hide them from her mom.

Our minor problem of leaves being brought into the house has been solved. With 3 little dogs that constantly walk in with leaves stuck to their hair, you'd think we have trees in here. It doesn't matter where those little shits go, the barest of places it can be, because there is another leaf stuck somewhere within all that hair. Thanks to the shop vac, leaves are all gone from the back yard's wooden deck.

I've got lots to talk about but have become too busy with other things on my mind this week. The remakes of The Karate Kid and The Last Dragon have me furious that they are going to ruin classics I grew up on that need no changes. Just how the hell do you do Sho'Nuff!?! It's impossible to imitate one of the greatest black heroes of all time. Malcom X being played by Denzel Washington is easy. Mean black guy in 3 portions of afro aint. Happy twats all around.

No History Here

"What I hate about shopping is the various people that follow me with their cars as I hope to find mine in the parking lot. It's annoying. Who knows. I might still be high on acid after Obama's win so there is an excuse for me to just do what a store doesn't want, loiter. Stop following me!"

-Me

Don't you hate it when zits pop up in weird places? For me, the past two days has been all about this very painful large one underneath the skin above my lip. Keep in mind, it's mighty pink so it has a tendency to look like I took a shot there by one of those people that became annoyed after following me around the parking lot.

And the weird thing about zits is that girlfriend make it their jobs to pop them. I know for a fucking fact that Sara would be ordering me to lay down as she attempts various methods of squeezing that white gunk that shoots out. Oh, look! My skin tends to mimic a porno's 'money shots!' The places women enjoy using these methods most is the back. Man lays down while woman squeals with glee as fingernails crush into skin. That's what you get for working in a hot environment year-round.

Everyone is more scared of the unknown than anything else. I think Jaws is one of the best examples out there because that movie accidentally brought this out. For over an hour, we viewers were tortured relentlessly by this unseen shape killing swimmers. It wasn't til Brody was bitching about throwing chum over the side of the boat til we first get a good look at the shark. Steven Spielberg talked about the blind luck of this mechanical shark (3 of them in all) breaking down constantly so they had to hope that things got better for the ending. How lucky in genius was that!?!

Tonight, I got to see this flick that everyone was raving about when it comes to unknown horror, The Strangers. Totally, totally creepy tale of a couple coming back to a sorta secluded house in hopes to rest only to be assaulted by 3 strangers wearing masks. As suddenly as they appear, suddenly they disappear. How many get tense when the camera lingers on someone while the killer silently walks around in the background?

Psychological terror is effective as fuck. While I could have bought The Strangers a while back on Blu-Ray, I waited only because it felt like one of those things you see once because it's only effective then. I was kind of right. What makes it good is not knowing any fucking thing about these intruders. While I'm sure things will be ruined in the future sequel being planned, I'm going to just sit right back and avoid it like the plague. 3 people come to the house, terrorize, leave, and we hope someone survived all that. I mean, why do we have to know everything about the killer(s)? Considering how stupid Hollywood is, it's best for them to stop copying greatness (only to ruin it with the usual abused-as-a-child excuse) and come up with something different.

Good example? Saw. That worked. Then, the bad examples happened......Saw 2....Saw 3....Saw 4 and Saw 5.

Why can't anyone make a very well-thought out version of Stephen King's 'IT?' That is one of my favorite books.......EVER!

Come to think of it, one thing to scare me majorly is to bring back Sarah Palin. Some things just have to go and a woman that holds the IQ of a used car salesman is just that.

So, yes, I am still in a good mood after Obama's win. Wish I could have been in Grant Park in Chicago. It's a 2.5 hour drive that would have been a part of history, watching Oprah force herself into a porta-potty is breathtaking and not soon forgotten. I just hope the auto industry gets a good hard slap on the wrist for its stupidity. While we have been wanting cars that run on more miles per gallon, it's still a rarity. Why don't we have the oil companies bail them out? Happy twats all around.

Dirty, Dirty Vampires

"Thou shall not crave thy neighbor."

-True Blood

How about that? While there is much for him to do, I feel much safer knowing that Obama is now the president-elect. Not only does he look presidential but it's best in how one of my favorite comedians put it:

"It's like the adults are now in charge."

You can feel the brain power when Obama holds a meeting for all of us to hear. With him, it's a noun, verb, and an adjective. Bush was totally another story for he could neither read nor write.

Because I'm just not one for the sit-on-my-butt lifestyle that the average American leads, it feels bad to tell you about this weekend. I did nothing. Well, that's not completely true because, yes, I did go to the gym this morning. It's just that from 2pm to the early evening it has been nothing but pay-cable TV, Saturday and Sunday. It was bad, folks, really, really bad.

I'm addicted to HBO's True Blood show. Ever heard of the acclaimed Six Feet Under? The director of that HBO show does this one where vampires and other possible creatures of the night prowl. While the tried and true story of a girl meets vampire has been done to death, this one is a little more unique in that it's a murder mystery that hasn't thrown up the obvious. I like that because it keeps me wanting more. I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on when it comes to how the premise of drinking vampires' blood makes an ordinary person better than better. How many wish they could hear the trees talk?

We all know that any discussion that contains vampires means sex, right? Oh, lordy! We've got more boobies and male bare butts that a girl can handle. It's been a while since I've seen an actual TV show that starts to give my penis a tingle like this, especially when I've now seen the most perfect pair of breasts ever made. I knew message boards and Internet sites would worship this girl's most succulent pair, also known as belonging to 'that chick from Cloverfield.' I'm not even that much into breasts but these are a fine pair because not only were they revealed but also some of the sexiest pair of panties to cover her flower.

Trust me, girls. If you are going to bed a guy, panties are important. Clean, preferably clean, tiny, and cute are the best way to go. There is nothing more horrifying than to take a pair off with your teeth only to see 'skid marks' tormenting that poor cotton. Everyone gets them but try not to make them obvious. Just do a striptease away from the fella if things are iffy down there.

It feels weird to suddenly go back into the sedentary lifestyle. Sundays are the hardest because there is the new episode of True Blood at 8pm and then Showtime's Californication at 9pm. These are two shows not for the prudish. Funny to know that my girlfriend is totally into the raunchiest of language and views. The sight of that actor's penis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall didn't bother her like it did others and I can talk as dirty as I wanna be in her presence. It's all assholes and the smell of pussy when it comes to us playing non-politically correct games like Ghettopoly.

Yes, I will admit that I was shocked when Sara started talking about the smell of pussy while we were playing that game late at night. I had to correct her in saying that it's not completely 'like a lobster tank' but sorta.

So, I've been gone awhile. My vacation time was spent in the gym while Sara was out helping Obama's campaign. Yeah, weird, huh? I'm supposed to be relaxing but instead I'm on a treadmill for 20-minutes watching MSNBC. Well, it's relaxing to me, especially when the night ended with us cheering on Obama's obvious win. Do you think that the whole world sighed with relief that the good guys won this time? The sad part is all the racist shit that's come up on websites and how angry some white folks can get over having a black president.

I never saw Obama as black or white. It's the truth. This is what I wish black teens would take note. Obama has his pants up. Not down. Up. There is very little slang terms used. His wife is not a 'ho' nor is she a 'skeet.' Yeah, I know a large portion of white teens can be pretty bad, especially the chicks that think their lives should be like The Hills, but I like how proud Obama makes me feel. Did you notice how there were so many different types of Americans in the audience at Grant Park? With Republicans, it was all angry clueless greedy white people. Grant Park had white, black, hispanic, young, and old.

I do feel sorry for Obama in one way. For 8 years, we've been under the rule of idiotic children bent on the love of corruption by taking away our rights. On January 20th, we get them back.

So, think what you will about what I've just said. Life is great when you have the freedom to enjoy the sight of breasts, ass, penises, and snatch that just so happens to come with a good story that keeps your butt glued to the seat. Help is on the way. Happy twats all around.

Sneaky Evil

"Just noticed the kitchen chairs propped up against the sink's cabinet doors. Just how strong are mice these days, Ma?"

-Me

We've got mice. I guess age makes you paranoid even when it comes to the smallest of critters. Or 'vermin' according to my mother. Just what makes her feel the need to take away the things we sit (or fart) on and prop them strongly against a cabinet's doors? The mice might free themselves to wreck havoc upon us! My DVD collection will be nibbled on and we can no longer find ourselves able to make phone calls. My cereal! Oh, my poor Raisin Bran eaten by the fattest of the lot!

I guess seeing Rattatouille changes things when it comes to the 4-legged sneaky little shits. Looooooved that movie. Period. Yes, I know it was about rats. Still, it makes me wonder if mice could think like that.

It's nearly Halloween so I must admit that I feel odd that I can no longer do my annual list of horror films that get to me. It's been done to hell. Not much has changed thanks to horror movies taking a turn for the silly instead of scary. Tempting to take a look at this flick called The Strangers that has gotten a lot of attention lately. A couple is terrorized by 3 masked assailants that just suddenly show up at their temporary house after a disastrous asking for marriage by the fiancee. She turns him down and here we go. Weird girl shows up asking for someone and away we go!

No, I have not seen it, just read a lot of good reviews.

I think a part of my fantasies has to do with having sex with someone that enjoys The Lost Boys. Sara does not like horror movies. I just cannot get her to see the logic of how great it is to feel scared. Give me the werewolf chase through the tube on An American Werewolf In London. Just how do British soldiers get out of a farmhouse surrounded by werewolves in Dog Soldiers? Can a team of girls that enjoy dangerous extreme sports get out of a cave filled with creatures hunting them in the dark when it comes to The Descent? While Pinhead of Hellraiser became such a boring toy in the sequels, the first two really did a number for people that enjoy rough sex. Hellraiser 1 and 2 are so gruesomely clever! Does the moment a girl gets her period really mean that all hell breaks loose where it also could be a way to describe slowly turning into a werewolf in Ginger Snaps? I guess you can say that besides my interest in the warmth provided by women's cunts, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of a scary good time.

My parents never allowed me to see horror films for so long. Lucky for me, USA Network played them in the middle of the afternoon, hosted by Captain USA, a moron chomping on a cigar. Two that come to mind are My Bloody Valentine (scared the shit out of me) and Friday the 13th Part 3. Good times! Sometimes, my little brother would sit in the living room with a walkie talkie warning me when my parents were making their way to my room. I'm crafty like that.

But enough of all that. I'm just pleased as punch that one of my favorite cartoons is coming out on DVD for the first time. Let's see........after GIJOE, Transformers, Duck Tales, and He-Man what could get to me in the same way these have?

The Real Ghostbusters is coming out on November 15th! Whoa! When I was a kid, this show had me glued to the TV. There was the eerie music combined with fun stories that were quite creative. Anyone remember the endless baseball game where the evil ghosts played our heroes? There are so many memories! I have to have this amazing set of 70something episodes so I can relive those times. I'll have every cartoon that got to me. Well, other than the Smurfs. Loved them but I'm more into creativity mixed with some smart violence. The possibility of 'smurf stu' didn't horrify me as much since Gargamel was too easily manipulated by unforseen events. Lovely theme song, though.

La-La-La-La.....

So, I'll tell all. I'm on vacation starting today. The timing is beautiful because I get to celebrate Halloween and see Obama kick McCain's ass on Tuesday while being in Indiana. Voted early, yo. There's a big party on Saturday where many take Halloween seriously. What am I?

I'm going to be Johnny Lawrence from The Karate Kid. Yes, that's the bad guy that got kicked in the face by the 'crane technique' after tormenting weak and pathetic Daniel in high school. Sara wouldn't allow me to change my hair blonde, seeing as that was the plan for yesterday. Boo. I've always wanted a Cobra Kai karate gi so that calms things down. Some martial arts experts that I work out with helped me by showing me how to tie a black belt. Just watch the big match on Youtube or something to see my Halloween costume. It shows my giant arms as no one will attempt a 'crane technique' on my ass.

I've pretty much always love the bad guys so it's no surprise that I picked Johnny Lawrence. Rob Zombie, while watching the making of his Halloween reprise, said it best in describing how great flawed people are. Totally good is just boring. There's no story. With Johnny Lawrence, there's a question of why he tormented poor Daniel in The Karate Kid. Yeah, it's great the good guy won but sometimes......sometimes the bad guy wins.

So, I will be gone for a bit on vacation in Indiana. Lovely entry, no? Hope you know what scares you or lived on some of the greatest cartoons like I did. I'm a kid at heart. Lovely demeanor and complicated as fuck when it comes to my head. Just give me a Bud Light Lime and I'll be yours for a few hours. Here's to hoping all of you get your pussies soothed this weekend. Happy twats all around.

Might Be Back!

"I love you, too."

-Sara

Been going all over the place I'd like to call my 'mind.' For the past 3 or maybe close to the full month, I've been either down or just plain out of it. There has been little time to recover any kind of energy in order to actually type things out.

Plus, I've been pretty busy this month. Of course, I'm still going to Indiana every other week. In fact, this weekend is a big Halloween party that's been planned for some time. While I had sporadic daydreams where I found a secret ghost-filled haunted house where I could dress up as any famous/dead/living/character that just so happened to find me reenacting Prince's 'Batdance,' I'm sure things will be fun enough for me. My guess is that my thoughts of everyone walking into a large mansion where the Backstreet Boys do 'Everybody, Backstreet's Back' is not for everyone.

What Sara did do for me this weekend was show me something I've never seen before but have heard plenty about, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Holy shit! Dare I say that this old flick was ahead of its time? It's certainly not for the conservatives that will have a hard time with a guy dressed in panties, high heels, and.....well, you've just got to see Dr. Frank N Furter for yourself. Good help is hard to find when all it wants to do is dance 'The Time Warp' and forgets that no one needs 7 pieces of silverware for dinner (Go ahead and count them). It's no wonder this movie was made so famous with late night showings where people would dance and talk back to the movie. Just say 'Asshole!' when the guy introduces himself. 'Slut!' goes for his wife that suddenly finds she likes guys with muscles.

So, I must endeth here for now. It's pretty frickin' obvious that I just got back from Indiana and have a major need to catch up on all the sleep missed. That girl doesn't believe in sleeping. All sex should last for almost an hour. The cat loves me and watches over me in my sleep. I'm allergic to it so hence the sneezing caused by the little white creature with green eyes. Happy twats all around.

Should I?

After almost 3 weeks of not doing an entry, I wonder why I should even come back. I'm just too depressed to find a reason why I should write again. Weird.

First She Lets Me Peel 'Em

"The trick is to constantly lie to yourself that it's going to get better."

-Me

Saw a car accident on my way home from work. I'll admit that my first thought while being flagged into a different lane by the police wasn't sorrow. It was more along the lines of, "What jackass cannot figure out how to use his/her turn signal? Ever heard of using the brake? Did you put the cell phone away?" It's annoying to think these things but let's be truthful. When have you ever seen a driver actually doing what he/she is supposed to do, drive?

Fact: It was a blue mini van hit on the driver's side, most likely by someone not looking while on the phone.

I don't always talk about work. Unlike a lot of you, I am able to put away that moment in time and bask in the glories of watching various political shows. Porn is there when my body is in pain due to lifting very heavy objects, namely when my left wrist is killing me. It's that fucking bad, so bad that I cannot lift my small dogs with it.

But work is work. I find myself waking up in the morning not wanting to go all because of the abuse my body takes. Sure, I could go out and find myself a new job, something I think about here and there, but I think what keeps me where I am is the fact that being busy passes the time fast. I mean, it just fucking goes! Today, I was all over the workplace doing different things. A few of these were new to me so I went through a small amount of trial and error. It took me 2 times to realize that the label reader faces out of the belt. Pat on the back. No time. I'm now at a new dock.

Some people amaze me, though. There is a dirty little Mexican (aren't they all?) that does very well at lifting things that weigh almost as much as him. He and I worked together while I was happy that my lack of wrist strength was kept secret by just moving things along. If I had to do the little Mexican's job.........ugh. I'll be dead and laughed at. Here's why.

I'm big, yo. At almost 200 pounds and very little bodyfat, I get a lot of shit about it. People will playfully mimic punching my stomach or, if you're the lesbian girl, play with my chest muscles. It's cute here and there, discussing my workouts or giving tips that I've learned over the years. When martial arts fights come up in discussion, people look at me and debate how I would do. Remember? According to some people, I am a ninja. You don't hear much about American white boys being ninjas but apparently they exist.

Little do people know that I'm a mess inside. My left wrist feels like it'll come off. This ol' upper back is exhausted. Since I sleep face down, my shoulders are always stretched for some reason to the point that it feels like they got a workout. There's more but I'll make you think I am whining. My workouts in the gym do not cause any of this pain. It's my job where each day is a bit different. Sometimes I lift things that'll make your jaw drop.

The funny thing is that I come home and almost always come close to falling asleep by 8pm. Is that what it's all about?

I've got a few people that want to see my Halloween costume. Makes me kind of nervous because there are a few adjustments yet to be made. Two guys in my gym are going to help me with one of these and, no, I cannot give too much away. Sara might come out of nowhere to read this so I want the secret to continue. Her questions:

Batman? Nope.

Joker? Nope.

Storm Shadow? No-no but good thinking.

For all she knows, I could be fucking She-Ra or Strawberry Shortcake. Gawd, I remember the good old days of sniffing Miss Strawberry Shortcake's panties when the girls left them in the living room of the babysitter's house. Do you know how hard it would be for me to contain myself if pussy smelled as good as that!?! Strawberries are a weakness of mine.

Well, you should know that I am leaving for Indiana tomorrow, right after getting my ass in the gym and running errands. Leaving my town on a high after a shower and a workout is incredible. Down that interstate I go! Tummy is usually full of scrambled eggs. I'm hoping you, dear reader, are as good as I am at avoiding places like McDonald's. Nobody appreciates a fat flabby ass caused by gluttony. Oh, and I'd like to wish you all a great weekend at getting your pussies tingled. It's Fall, cool for you to get completely laid in a light wind. Never leave Strawberry Shortcake alone with me. Happy twats all around.

What I Value

It's been said over and over again that the American Dream is dying. You know it, to own a home and have kids jump over that white picket fence. Well, what if your dream is different? I've never thought of kids. In fact, I fucking hate the little pricks! For me, it's all about going to work at 8AM or 9AM and coming home to a nice clean apartment around early evening. Then, it's on to a quiet dinner with the girlfriend which is then followed by us hitting the gym. It's in the gym that we debate the latest news on CNN as we lightly jog on the treadmills. After a shower together, I might find myself reading or lightly flicking around with the channels. Hell, I might even find myself outside tinkering away on a hobby or two. I'm not one to sit around doing nothing but there is an occasion where I might drink a beer while enjoying a nice flick that involves a superhero or two. All I know is that the American Dream is basically, to me, the ability to find myself settled and feeling secure in some form of a home. We've got Clinton to thank for the housing problems since he thought everyone that worked at McDonald's deserved the chance to own a $300,000 home. Bush has put us in so much debt that I'm surprised he can count past '10.' My own girlfriend does not seem to know how to clean up after herself no matter how many times she insists this is possible. I just value neatness, neatness that isn't completely perfect. My allergies and sensitive nose make life difficult. Obama looks neat. My mom says I'm a good chooser of people with qualities. I choose Obama.

Not Gonna Put Out

"Oh, lordy, here comes Wednesday! That's when the strands of muscle on my left hand begin to feel as if they're about to come off. Bring on Wednesday!"

-Me

Yeah, it's almost like clockwork these days. As the week wears on, my body takes a toll. The closer it gets to Friday, the worse things will be. So far, nothing new has suffered. Still got my feet. Still got my thumbs. If a long box flips up and hits my balls, I'm done for.

Been watching HBO's True Blood show tonight. Took a little peek after the debate because nothing beats wishing being a vampire down in New Orleans where a sexy Anna Paquin tends bar. As much as it would be nice to do, the main vampire didn't use his powers to seduce her as you would think. Sure would be nice to not suffer the aches and pains of work. Sure would be nice to have amazing strength without having to pay for it in sweat with weights. But dammit, there's a mysery to solve down in New Orleans as someone's killing locals. The Lost Boys didn't make it out of California, did they?

The debate didn't do anything new for me. Still lovin' Obama with all my cold, cold heart's desire. It's McCain that has shown nothing of the sort when it comes to solving problems except to make more. 26 years in the government and he suddenly makes a false turn to solve our country's problems? While Obama brings up the desire to stop using our money for overseas fuel importing, that's gonna take some time. Why is it I hear about various local people being able to build engines that run on nothing yet nary a whisper about it nationally? Loved Rolling Stone's biography on McCain that did nothing to surprise me yet makes sense. A man that gets upset over an enemy's surrender all because he wanted to gun some more down is not one to lead.

It's weird how everyone is complaining about money woes all while my wages go up every 3 months. No one wants to do what I do. Our company goes through more employee turnover than I know what to do with. Say hello to someone once only to find they just quit. The deaf guy, a few veterans, and one Mexican are all I've known for the past 3 months. Our number of co-workers have gone up while that's just a temporary thing. In a few months, everyone's just too tired to come in. Give us your fatties and we'll make 'em skinny.

So, with all that in mind, I'm gonna get on up outta here, y'all. Want to go to bed now. But before I go, I tested out that Blu-Ray DVD player on a 1982 movie, Ladies And Gentlemen The Fabulous Stains. Put the disc in a regular player and found it to look like something from the late 90's. Tried the movie in the Blu-Ray player and, boy, it was clear as day! It was the 1980's all over again, just as I remember them! This little known cult movie with a 15-year-old Diane Lane was fun to watch. It takes talent to sing a song like "We're Not Gonna Put Out" in a very punkish atmosphere. Grity and so worth seeing with catchy songs for a surround sound system. Watch it. Happy twats all around.

She's A Goblin

"Where are all my ho's at?"

-Me

One thing that irks me is having to pay the goddamn car insurance. Sure, it doesn't come often, just every 6 months, but it still sucks to see a large amount of money disappear. And doesn't it feel like it's all over nothing? You don't really see much of anything after paying the insurance. No fancy schmancy gadgets for reaching a certain amount of time with your insurer. No car mat. No cheap watch. Just money gone. All gone.

Ah, the weekend. It's a time for all of you to do things or catch up on things that you've put off thanks to the insanity of work. For me, it's all about healing this body from all the beatings I take at work. My left shoulder is only semi-healed. The wrist is still questionable and will soon feel like it's going to break off again. The main amount of pain comes from the inner-forearms that swell up. It's been said that my job is a workout. That's true but I already work out and will take years to even be able to let myself go. With me, you've got a hardbody for life.

The funny thing about pain is that it can be controlled. Forget about it and you will survive. Dead right. Well, I noticed something about dealing with pain. Watching porn can help and, yes, I am being serious because for the first time in a long time I was able to forget about how much I was in thanks to my left wrist.

Let's be clear. I am serious in that being able to watch the porn channels on my satellite helps. Hell, I've read about a study where people reacted in the same way, by being administered pain while watching people fuck. Fascinating! Oh, are those titties!?!

It could be that I have this insane need to know what turns other people on or even to find something that gets my attention. Stockings do. Guys that put their dicks in pizza boxes before delivering them to 'unsuspecting' big-boobied blondes does not. First of all, he ruined the fucking mushrooms by putting his dick on them. I'm very picky on that, no genitals are to be placed on pizza. She can rub her pussy on Jimmy John sandwich, though.

Why, oh, why do women keep their high heels on while fucking? Just askin'.

I've got to admit that these POV porn movies where you are supposed to feel as if you are the guy getting your dick sucked can be amusing. Point-Of-View is important because it does give you to feel of what happens during doggy-style. Now, we all know that it feels good to slide a cock on in there but we guys also enjoy the sights, pussy lips being torn apart and that cute little puckered asshole just centimeters away. What could possibly go wrong?

I know, I know. Porn's not for everyone but it's got an accident-like timing. You can't look away when something tickles the dirty part of your brain. There might be something that gets your fancy about a certain guy's penis, girls. Or maybe you just get this incredible feeling when you see him really eat a girl out. Like I said, it's all about your kinky side but, for me, it's amateurs because enormous tittied completely shaved blondes rarely do it. There's something about a real girl, slender but doesn't look like she's been liposucked yet, left a few pubic hairs around her bush, and has an awkwardness about her. Professional dick suckers just aren't what they used to be because, let's face it, all of you have had a penis in your mouth at some point.

You'd almost get the feeling that if a guy pulled out his penis, anywhere anytime, a woman would automatically take it in her mouth. The guy could be in the middle of a barren desert only to find himself standing there while a woman just suddenly appears in front of him on her knees.

The one thing that confused me came when a college party turned into a few people fucking during it. Wow. I've never seen anything like that when I was in college. All we had was cops showing up to get rid of the underagers. What makes a guy get up, take his girlfriend off the couch while she's talking to a friend, spread her legs to reveal a very obvious pee stain on her jean shorts from all the beer, and fuck her right there? Oh, and they totally went at it like bunnies. You'd think that her pee stain would keep him from eating her out, sir? Totally wrong. It could be all his friends cheering them on that helped, too. I'm all for getting involved in an orgy but I prefer a cleaner environment.

I do not condone slapping my penis on the face of a girl. Wrong. Totally wrong. Nor will I insist she lick the cum I dripped on the floor, pee on her, or toss her dirty panties to my friends so they can smell them. Some things are just fucked up.

Don't think I only watch porn. It's nice here and there but it gets dull at some point. There is only so much penis drilling vagina that I can take. Gene Simmons put it best: "Why would I watch porn when I'd rather do it?" Having satellite with all the channels also means lots of Pay Per Views except the selection sucks this week. Doomsday was fun, dumb fun with cannibals. There are so many scenes taken from the greatest movies, Aliens, Road Warrior, and even Lethal Weapon.

Oh, and I got that Blu-Ray high defintion DVD player. Fascinating. A little confusing but kind of cool how there are new methods to getting where you want to go with a DVD now. You can play the movie and have a nice little pop-up menu appear if you need something else. No more going to Special Features. Continue watching while you attempt to find what you are looking for. I'm still figuring things out but Blu-Ray is nice.

So, to each and everyone of you a good night. It's close to another beginning of the week where I will be in pain, tired, and wondering if this is all there is to life. I'm being chased by a girl that works at a bookstore. Everytime I go in, I get seeked out. The thing that sucks is that I realize more and more how the economy has slowly started to hurt this independant bookstore. Less books for sale. It's always sad if a bookstore has to fold. Happy twats all around.

Collected In Ass

"It's official. Girlfriends make me fat."

-Me

Well, maybe not 'fat' as in huge round belly but more along the lines of putting on a few surprising pounds because we are desperate for Wendy's again. Spicy chicken sandwiches are a known weakness of mine made even worse after 6 Bud Light Limes.

I'm not one to over emphasize my weight. In fact, I like it where it is, 193 pounds and somewhere around the less-than 10% bodyfat range. Trust me. That bodyfat number is far more important than the number of pounds hanging around. It's just that I notice how I always find myself a few pounds more after a trip to Indiana. 2 days later? Gone! Gone like yesterday's fart. It's like clockwork because I stand there on the scale at the gym each morning the day after I get home. Same number of pounds. Day 2? We have lift-off.

No, it's not easy. My body is taking quite a pounding at work thanks to the place being so understaffed. Tempers are short. Big motorcycle dudes look ready to cry. It's not pretty when those wearing leather are forced to show some emotion.

What is fun is working next to the deaf guy. For 3 days in a row, he's been right next to me telling me what an idiot I am in sign language while I tell him about Ghettopoly. It's great when a black guy finds racist board games to be something worth laughing about.

What is weird to me is how I got picked on about bodyhair yesterday. Took a few swings from my lesbian co-worker on the fact that I keep my 'pits smooth. Being told I'm nuts just for having no bush around my cock threw me off because, according to Sara, all the boys in our gang trim the hedges majorly. My only mass comes from my legs, hairy and proud, even if Sara has been hinting I trim them, too.

The one thing that got my attention is how I suddenly learn that black people don't have much hair on their forearms. That girl I was talking about? Brought over some co-workers and showed me how smooth their's are. Fascinating. I've never known that a major difference is just that, hair. Almost makes me want to grab a black person and feel how smooth their forearms are.

Trust me. Its gets far worse in topics when work is still minutes away. Boredom brings stupidity.

The only other thing to say is that I am about to buy a Blu-Ray high definition DVD player. I'm currently researching my options because half a grand is quite an investment. What with the new Batman movie (9th) and Wanted (2nd) due out in December on the format, I want to catch up. I'm kind of a techie weirdo when it comes to my movies, wanting to watch them in the best picture available. That is especially true when The Dark Knight will have portions shown in IMAX viewpoint. Whoo! I saw The Two Towers in that way and was nuts at how amazing this looked.

So, I bid adieu to you all. The best porn of the week is about to happen, Biden versus Palin, in St. Louis. You bet I'll be watching. Will Palin fall harder than shit from an obese child after chilli? Or will Biden continue to run his mouth off on things that might be true but the American cannot understand? I've found Palin to be so close to a few of my old college professors that just couldn't conclude how stories can be seen in different views. Plus, no matter how warm they look in how they dress, it's their sinister ways and you're fucked. You know her Hanes Her Ways are gonna slide up her ass when it comes to getting her to understand that abortion is necessary. Nobody is FOR it but it is reality. Happy twats all around.

Permanent Headache

"Ever had one of those days where you shouldn't have woken up because the headache started in the morning and hasn't stopped since? Welcome to my day."

-Me

Found out I have a little work to do on my Halloween costume for the big party. Would you believe I have to have help on tying a very important part? I'll probably go the short cut way by looking up how to keep my pants up even if girlfriend would rather have them down.

It's weird how I realize that my life has changed into this. There is no shyness in any form when it comes to Sara's friends. We've hung out a lot, houses and parties here and there. This will be my life, I know. Sara has pointed out that when I move into her town things will be so easy to accept. I've known these people for almost 4 years, even if some took longer than others. We've all got our hang-ups and prejudices. Playing the boardgame, Ghettopoly, late at night brings out the inner gangster that just won't die til the last dolla has been taken out of cold dead hands. You'll learn a lot when it comes to other people's weaknesses, such as Sara's persuasions to sell her property. Happy twats all around.

Out Of Mind, Out Of Sight, Bitch

"You know what? Some racist board games can be livened up when your piece is a bag of weed and someone plays the pimp."

-Me

Just to show you how serious politics has become, Sara and I spent much of Friday night watching the debate. You could hear the howls of laughter when it came to McCain acting as if Obama didn't even exist. That's pretty much how its become for this Republican, ignore logic and consider yourself a complete success even if your next-in-line is dumber than a kid that spends hours watching poop drip off a stick.

I know you expected more. What with Sara's period due soon, sex is out of the question. A handjob would be nice but I'm just too disappointed in how a 72-year-old man thinks it's okay to behave like his rival is totally beneath him. I've come across people that think their disastorous decisions are the smartest no matter how many times the bad effects will be obvious. It's sad because Main Street is being treated so badly while the rich continue to get richer.

Sara and I were in the kitchen last night and she asked me where Sammy is. Like I've said before, I don't care. There are people you meet in life. Then, there are people you meet over a computer that shock you by showing what uncaring morons they can be. Sara and I had quite a laugh over her dislike in Obama being president. Sammy wants a 'hardass!?!" We've had one for 8 fucking years so, yes, the idiots seem to continue to come from Texas.

Also spent much of Sunday dealing with someone's engagement ending. Sad, too. Her fiancee cheated on her with some girl from Facebook. It's the new place to pick up your narcisstic ho's these days. Even one of Sara's friends uses a similar website just to get laid on the weekends. It's weird how the Web makes people braver.

So, I am outta here as I continue to try and cool off a bit. Nice weekend but it was so draining at times. A long night of playing a very racist/offensive boardgame called "Ghettopoly" was nice but all the beer made me feel like shit as the night wore on. Lost all my crackhouses when I couldn't come up with enough stolen cash to pay for landing in a strip joint. Lovely. Happy twats all around.

Fuck It To Death

"My blog kills fascists."

-Me

Been tickled over the latest issue of Men's Health. There is a very large article on the penis. Lovely to know that someone is looking out for us guys and our equipment. Even better is a small portion of words is given to a woman and what she thinks when pants are unzipped to expose the purple-headed-warrior. There is no thinking! Out of the pants, pass the gums, look out tummy, for it will cum!

As much as I would love to tell you that life is great, well, it's just shit. To think that our president has the balls to order $700 billion to a guy without any question or else the economy will tank scares me. How dumb are we? Obviously, the average joe is pretty much dumb as shit since there are still people that support Bush and believe Obama is a Muslim. Laughing? Rush Limbaugh went on about how he's Arab and this is pretty recent. Sometimes, I wonder just how much the average American knows since voting for McCain pretty much worsens everything. We'd be a heartbeat away from a woman that knows more about hiding her panty lines than what the definition of 'maverick' is.

No, I didn't finish reading the article on penises. I'm sure I'll be tittalated beyond words when it comes to just how average mine is or how much I can ejaculate. Did you know that 270 million sperm are in each squirt? I know for a fact that I can do it 2 to 3 times til the rest just drips out. I've always found it funny how every girlfriend I've had loves to watch. Eyes roll back, breathing goes into some insane sounds, and the toes curl. What doesn't a girl love?

My Halloween costume was ordered. $133 total, yo. Damn, this better be some fine craftsmanship for that amount. I always said that if I find this thing, I'd buy it. With a pair of jeans, this costume will get some looks because everyone knows who these bad boys were in that movie.

Still miserable at work. My back is a bit sore and that evil manager was back today with a vengeance. It's nothing personal but if you start to get into it with me on things beyond my control, I'm gonna give it a go in your face. I did. Nobody puts Ultrarooster in a corner. Nobody.

So, I'm gonna go now. Hopefully, y'all are having a better time than I. Nothing but sad news makes on the local newscenters makes me miserable. I'm sensitive to stupidity. Gonna head on out to Indiana on Friday because of the town's big event that I go to every year. Fortunately, there is beer as well. Happy twats all around.

Drunk Wal-Mart Runs

"Well, a big 'DUH' to you, too!"

-Me (on Clay Aiken's admittance to being gay)

Call me old-fashioned but if something quacks like a duck it is a duck, dammit. There is no hiding behind some of the most insane lies ever made up. While I may not have the most prestigious gaydar on the planet (Yes, I was one of the last 2 people on this planet that thought George Michael was straight til, like, 1995 or so), Clay Aiken's coming out just screams of a chance to cash in somehow. It's been a while since he's made any real money. Those that hide for so long need money at some point when no one seems to notice them anymore. Remember Lance Bass of NSYNC? Attempt to put some form of literature out in hopes that you'll be remembered.

Yes, there are some days that I absolutely hate my life but, so far, I have yet to feel the need for a tell-all book. How far along til I admit that, yes, I once thought girls didn't poop. It stayed with me til I had to walk into the bathroom after a lovely girl that lived at the house we were staying at in Florida left the room with the most foul smelling stench I had ever come across. I still want that t-shirt with the slogan, "Girls Don't Poop."

Found my Halloween costume. My possibles were being Tyler Durden of Fight Club or David of The Lost Boys. For the latter, I'd dye my hair blonde, add fangs, wear a long coat, pierce my ear, and try to look menacing instead of my old goofy self. Fight Club would have been interesting because Sara says I've got the body for it all while always wearing the kind of pants Tyler would. Yes, this is the Brad Pitt character that breathes a sense of honesty on how fucked up our lives are and they are ticking away so fast over our obsessions to own more stuff. Tyler wouldn't be too hard since I can easily make my hair that rumpled spikey look easily. Just add bruises and that nappy bathrobe that Sara finds amusing. I'm pretty sure it had a flower pot on the chest. I'm not sure if I'd be totally comfortable in a bathrobe all night at the house party being planned.

As for what I want, I can't give it away.......yet. I'm totally for clues, though, so here goes. It's a gi from an 80's movie, all black, sleeveless, says "Johnny" on the side, and just so happens to be one of the costumes I talked about over and over with when I lived in college with a roommate also obsessed with it. Oh, and I have to dye my hair blonde, too. Enough clues? Remember it's the moment of truth and it's all on the line.

If you figure this out, I will send you a DVD, Brotherhood Of the Wolf, a French movie obsessed with the possibility of a large wolf ravaging the area and martial arts. The lovely actress Monica Belucci bares her famous breasts all while being a spy for the Pope. I've got other DVDs......

So, the weekend? Tiring. Absolutely tiring. Sara and I are always busy thanks to dinners, get-togethers with friends, and this weekend brought about a lot of planning for the art thingee. There was no sex. I felt lucky enough to have 4 beers during our Beer Trek night. Then again, those beers might have cost me my sanity because I was then in Wal-Mart late at night buying GIJoes with an annoyed Sara next to me. I love Storm Shadow, okay. My favorite characters are silent but deadly.

Girls just have to accept it that boys will always like their toys.

I've already explained the cat issue. I'm not kidding about how annoying was to be pounced on as it raced to the window. The worst part is when my skin is cut open by a claw or two because it will itch terribly due to allergies. Itchy feet or legs do not make sleeping easy, especially when the girlfriend is snoring loudly next to my left ear.

Oh, and, yes, girls fart in their sleep. Not going to name any names here.......

So, hit the road, jack. I'm gonna stop here. I've got a bunch of graphic novels to read, Wolverine and various others. It's nice to see that there are some adult types that tell it like it is. We fuck, suck, and sometimes drink too much. Sometimes, we guys like to stick our fingers in girls' asses just to get rid of that insane fantasy of wanting to know what's up there. Would you believe a girl writes about that? Happy twats all around.