Now, Go To My Room!

"What is a boy like you doing with a girl like me?"

-Sara (Late at night, she asked me this right before she passed out from exhaustion)

I'm in a little bit of a weird state right now. Actually, I shouldn't be feeling as weirded out since I'm not like that hypocrite of a senator, Larry Craig, talking to Chris Matthews. Did you see that? There is a saved portion of the show where Larry Craig is asked about what to do with Bill Clinton during that Monica scandal. His advice? I'm serious when I say that Larry goes on and on about telling Clinton that he's been a 'very naughty boy.' The look on Chris Matthews's face is the best part. Seriously, you have to see this video.

My brother is moving out next Sunday. While a part of me is jumping up and down thanks to joy, the other parts are kind of stunned. He's going to North Carolina. It's no secret that I'm not close to my little brother due to his insane need to do everything in secret. It's just that my nature of being the goofy open friendly guy is totally alien to him and I hate people that shut me out. Long story short. I'm just stunned but hoping for a free trip to see North Carolina someday. A part of me is now wondering how my little brother is going to attempt to bed women because he certainly failed in this town. Beanpoles just aren't that popular with the type he wants.

Plus, I kind of stunned my own mother, news that she's only slightly been wondering about. It's no secret that within 2 years I just might be moving to Indiana. I know, I know. Sammy, you can really hit me in the balls at times with your statements. There is reality and, yes, I know that it's past my time. People have constantly been on my ass about where I'm going to go or why they want me to live near them. It all started with Bald-O wanting me to move to cowtown but my heart is just too big for those with minds that find black people to be too 'ethnic.'

Over 2.5 years have been spent with Sara. There are have been good time and even some bad times but I cannot deny loving this girl. It's a huge step in getting me out of here but she's a good catalyst. My mom, definitely dealing with depression thanks to a husband that lets a computer play with his mind, is going to be very upset. This may sound weird but we're like best friends since I've always been very open with her when it comes to my life and hate how I see various things bring her down.

A part of this came when I dropped Sara off at work. As you know, she has epilepsy so driving is my job on each visit to Indiana. When I walked in to pick up money owed me by her, I noticed a picture on her desk. It was the two of us, one that's in my "My Pictures" section where my eyes are completely open and Sara is smiling to my right. We're in winter coats so I hope that narrows it down but just know that the whole image is of our smiling faces.

I don't know what to say. How did I get a very individualistic artist to fall in love with me? What is so special about me? I, sometimes, feel as if I come across y'all as an arrogant prick when I'm actually more along the lines of a cynical smirk. You know there's trouble but you get pulled in anyway because I'll soon allow you to see how warm I am inside. There's nobody you'd want on your side more than me. Sara feels safe, safe enough to argue with over some of the stupidest things. Is Matthew Mchaughney really an actor? Is there a Christian Bale movie that sucks because we haven't found one......yet. What do we get Sammy for her birthday?

I'm laughing at that last one because it was an actual debate that I remember well. I mean, how do you do that, a birthday present for someone you've never met that soon turns into a debate? Sara tells me how she really feels. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to watch horror movies with her thanks to this. She hates 'em while I love 'em. Damn, no Halloween remake unless someone wants to go with me........

So, within a time of 1 to 2 years, I may be living in a new town. Will I survive? It's scary as hell even if I did live with 5 other guys in college. I've lost 1 best friend to alcohol and another to drugs. Makes me a little stronger. Things are a lot harder when it comes to dealing with the estrogen variety. There's that whole other dilemma with toothbrushes, bed hogging, tampons in my bathroom, and trying to watch horror movies without being told that it's time for Top Chef. I like Top Chef but I like werewolves even more.

So, I'll be out of this mind-set of seeing so many different scenarios eventually. What I've been aching to do is an entry on my observations towards sex. It's weird how things change as you get older while wishing I still had that innocence. Oh, to be curious what a woman's vagina smelled or felt like and how difficult it will be to get my peen up in there! I've already done it all. Well, except anal but there's always 6 beers to give you courage to explore the ol' 'brown eye.' Any hints on helping me with this will be appreciated.

As for my day, I spent a little talking to the old lady down the street. How about that? I'm over my disappointment with the older generation fucking things up for us young 'uns! I'm planning on what to do on my big shopping trip prior to my birthday. Should I get rid of my dog tags and wear something more flashy like a giant clock so I know what time it is and people will stop asking me. When you have diamonds on your watch, people will constantly ask the time just to take a look at it. That's a fact, jack. It's Friday night and YOU should be out picking up an STD. Happy twats all around.

Dogs For Yoga

Me: "I'm weirder than an elephant!"

Sara: "What?"

Me: "Have you ever tried to live with an elephant?"

Sara: !?!

Yo, I'm back as I realize how each year seems to make Sara and I seem more and more like an actual couple. Last night, we attempted to have sex but were too tired to fulfill any sort of fire to this desire. I, with the sleepiness of allergies, and Sara, with her desire to stay up late even though work starts at 8am, only went to sleep. Yes, it is definitely funny to find her dead asleep while I'm trying to pull up my shorts prior to that walk down the hall to brush teeth.

Yeah, I know how things change after spending over 2 years with each other. While you might still desire the other, it's also depending on how you bounce off of each other. Little things like being yelled at while driving tend to irk me while I'm sure to have little habits that irritate Sara. Everything is forgotten when the lights go out and she grabs me to have me hold her as she sleeps. Oh, how I wish I could drift off that fast because I tend to find moments where I stare at the ceiling for almost an hour. Girls do fart in their sleep, along with sudden kicking and hogging of bed or covers.

So, what kept me there for a week? Sara wanted to join a gym that would have my seal of approval of also joining. While these places are like second homes to me, she tends to be a bit shy of these places where people put image first. It's no surprise, really. My gym has some real arrogant assholes that so many people hate working out with. Would it bother you if a guy constantly checks himself out in the mirror? How about when you catch him looking up your shorts? Do you smile?

So, Sara and I joined an upscale workout facility that is a little odd when first walked through. It's small and only 1,000 people are allowed to join. Hence the 'exclusive' word that keeps getting noted in the brochure. 3 days were spent helping Sara set up a workout routine. I've got her doing 20 minutes of cardio (treadmill and elliptical) and 20 to 30 minutes of machine usage. Apparently, when she heard the word 'bra fat ridder,' I was ordered to show her where this amazing machine was located. Women have different reasons than men to work on the back, eh?

But is the gym snobbish? Not completely. When you first walk in, the main guys behind the desk are 'pretty boys.' My eyes were more into taking everything in and setting up a routine while Sara handled the specifics for our 2-week trial workout (many gyms have them so ask). The smallness is odd but can be slowly gotten used to.

The funny part about working out with Sara happens after she's done with her cardio. It's here that I am supposed to help her workout by showing her all the various things to do with the machines. She seems to think that all the looks I get from people are that I'm her brother. To Sara, I am just too amazing to be the boyfriend of a female artist. Oh, like I'm the type to walk around with a football in hand and always debating about the latest Playstation 3 Madden video game. I'd rather talk about the insanity of there being an actual yoga teacher for dogs.

But I did get stared at quite a bit all while also being made to feel humble. The guy behind the desk kept staring at me while another guy kept watching my workout. I found it funny when the cute girl in the tiny running shorts kept looking me over while I helped Sara with her shoulders (mirrors are all over, okay?). It wasn't til the owner of the gym came and told me how I was working on the backrow wrong that set me back in my place that my weirded out head came back down to reality. In my defense, I've rarely ever done that move but was only stretching out my back. Having 2 guys critique me was slightly embarassing but it made me realize that it was all about helping. I really was just stretching out my back.

Note: You, too, would know I look odd when the main clientelle are judges, lawyers, and large business owners. Ah, but you've got to smell the locker room! It was so good with its own sauna and private shower rooms! But I came to work out and not hope for gay senators to try and cup my large balls.

My early birthday presents from Sara came with the thought of getting me something I already have but would want more of. I have everything so why fret? A new extra-soft Miller Lite t-shirt followed by one with an all-over London death certificate made my day. The latter one was really creative in how it's designed so I wore it 2 times. I'm not sure if I'll be in Indiana for my actual birthday date of September 6th yet.

Going to New York on Halloween is a definite plan, though. Will hang out with the Naked Cowboy and cry for Carson Daly's return to MTV's TRL. When a tween cries, I cry with her because Carson was extra special, someone that could handle Tara Reid's pleas for help all while drooling over a young Britney Spears.

Of course, a visit home is not without my extra special someone that just so happens to have 4 legs and more attitude than N.W.A.. Oh, I was missed as you would have seen us take off like bullets on our run (no walk but R-U-N). Chased 2 cats and a few squirrels that have my legs very sore as I am typing this.

So, there you have it. I'm back and will be my old self soon enough. When I'm at Sara's I don't comment or write as much. Sitting on the bed to type just doesn't bring out my creativity. Plus, I pass out after taking her to work. How she stays up so late only to get up around 7am is beyond me. The cat sends me away to dreamland as well. Don't believe a boy can find himself catching z's instead of being happy inside his girlfriend's snatch? You will. Happy twats all around.

Love Your Dead Gay Son

Not entirely sure as to what to put here. I'm still a bit tickled over an incident in the shower. Sara, at some point, told me that she'd like me to move here in the future. Mind you, this definitely came out of her mouth along with the usual water she spits out when standing underneath the shower's spout.

To be honest, I was not ready for this. In fact, it surprised me a great deal since we're both a bit wary of making ourselves known on the other's territory. Add a splash of independence and you just might get into Sara and I's mind-set. I like to come and go, especially with a little dog waiting for me at home and a mom that is quite depressed while getting over radiation.

If you don't have allergies, lucky, lucky fucker you are. I can sleep all day with a cat at my side. If there was no picking Sara up for lunch, I'd be out til late evening. Even my hunger for food turns off thanks to the disruption from cat hair getting in my stomach from breathing it in. A shower only helps for so long and that's just what I took recently.

Owen Wilson's possible suicide? Wow. I've been thinking about that every now and then. He looks so annoying but movies with Owen won me over, especially Zoolander. I cry laughing at that movie when that walk-off takes place where Derek and Hansel battle as to who is the best on the walkway.

Why is it that every person caught doing something dumb says something even dumber? Mr. Vick says he found god and this senator looking for some bathroom love tells everyone he's not gay. Since when is being gay a horrible crime? Why do people find it so easy to believe that a bad person suddenly goes good all because he talks of reading the bible, one of the worst fictional books ever written? What Vick did was horrifying. What the naughty senator did was just his natural love of penises.

I've found that Sara's need to express her opinions comes from her dad. Whatever is being discussed on TV by reporters brings out the two of them debating. I like that. I've seen far too many meek girls just sitting there with nothing to say.

Note: Got my birthday presents from Sara. Hopefully, more nudes are on the way that consist of the John Deer variety.

And so I must bid adieu thanks to Sara needing lunch. I'll be back to my long rants soon enough as I'm due for home tomorrow, kids. This computer set-up is hard to type on as I sit here on the bed, a place where you can easily see which side I slept on by the rumbled sheets from all the sweat. It's hard to sleep with a werewolf, yo. But she's the bed hog. Happy twats all around.

Desire Is In Between

"Some say the world will end in fire.

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire,

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

to say that for destruction ice

is also great

and would suffice."

-"Fire And Ice" by Robert Frost

So, another bite from poetry that gets to me? I always love it when authors share their favorites with me, seeing as I am about to read their books where anything goes these days. Well, what else can you put but a possibility of the end of the world when a story contains the unbelievablity of werewolves and vampires? I mean, I'm sleeping next to a demon and Sara takes that label very seriously.

I'm doing okay on this rather surprisingly hot day. You see, the first few were quite rainy/icky to the point that I was beginning to think Fall was having a temporary moment already.

Of course, I've been playing around with Mystey Cat as always. That means I am meowed at til I come out with a handful of cat food or cheese. No, I am not adopting it because this is the reason I am sneezing all day. That, and the other cat, the one that sleeps next to me at night. If you don't have cat allergies, lucky shit.

There really isn't much to tell. It is planned on my next visit here that Sara and I are going to visit a wolf park where (obviously) wolves are raised. Only found out about this on Friday night, seeing as I would have been there by now after 2.5 years of visiting Indiana. Yes, I love wolves and their cubs so expect lots of pics.

Note: It is pretty cool that I have a girlfriend that enjoys placing naked women on her screensavers. Yes, there is a barely clothed crotch staring at me from the right corner. Anybody that admires pussy like I do......

So, in about 4 hours I will be training Sara in a gym that just opened up nearby. Her dad thinks it is a bit snobbish while I somewhat agree to his observations pertaining to the man hunks that work there. I, on the other hand, am treated like royalty......so far. The only tough thing for me is to come up with a workout for Sara that doesn't bear to what I normally do. There is this huge inner demon that battles with all sorts of weight-lifting equipment while other hide behind treadmills. This will be discussed later since this screensaver's crotch is really being a pain to my already horny mind. I say "snatch" while Sara says "cunt." Either way, it's yummy and delightfully filling for a pussy eating boy. Happy twats all around.

Full Of Myself Again

"You still alive, baby?"

-Mr. And Mrs. Smith (the point where she's taken several shots with a shotgun at Mr. Smith while crouched at the top of the stairs)

Damn, how many times have I found myself quoting that movie? Just how many days a week does Mr. And Mrs. Smith play on HBO? Just about everyday and I watch it, just as I do with Jaws and Aliens, because there is some sort of beautifully hidden message on the dangers (but with rewards as well) of marriage. Well, we all know how Sara and I feel about that subject even if it looks like we're stuck with each other for a good long time.

Of course, seeing as how I am pretty much hair-free, that means I will be leaving tomorrow. Don't pout for I will be back soon enough. My statcounter keeps telling me about how much more popular I get each day. It's eerie to know that people seek this blog out a lot. While it took me over a year on my old blog to have people admit that they liked me, Blogger finds itself at less than 3 months where I cannot go by without a bunch of people looking for an update.

Just so you know, I am not single and I am certainly not worth your time to stalk because I can very easily break your arms thanks to weight-lifting and some martial arts. Is it any wonder why Sara says she feels so safe with me on walks all over her town? Let's see your boyfriend make people run away like the evil bunny rabbit from Monty Python's The Holy Grail.

So, I am leaving. There is nothing you can do about it, seeing as a girl misses her boyfriend whom she insists on disrobing somewhere after work. The tired lad, thanks to the cat allergies, does his best to pose (and pose and pose) for her by flexing his biceps and any sort of muscle located within his weirdly distorted body. Sara doesn't like body hair so everything is pretty much off like a prom dress after the prom. Yes, there is a temptation to shave off my leg hair because I'm that goofy and dying to shock Sara like the last time I did that.

Note: My legs were so red and itchy. Remember that? I was bored and took a razor to my legs while watching My Summer Of Love all by my lonesome that night, seeing as Sara was at work. Hated scratching my legs so much the next day but that's not the dumbest thing. THAT would be Bald-O using Nair on his head because he shaves his head every 2/3 days. Boys do dumb things when bored and without the girlfriends that provide them with brain cells.

So, I came across my ex-girlfriend today while paying for the sticker at the DMV. Ours cost $78 so I wasn't in the best of moods while walking by her. Ugh. As I said, the whole meeting had its merits because I took a look at her now lifeless ass. I'm so glad she dumped me and still find it funny to this day that it took only a few days for me to be over her. She, on the other hand, continued to touch me in class.

What's really weird was how my ex told me why she was so shy of me upon our first meeting. It took me a while to get her to sit next to me at the computer while we worked on things for class. The way I look made her so shy since jocks scared her. Oh, dear. Being big may have advantages but sometimes we intimidate the wrong people. Lucky for me, all it takes is for me to open my mouth and let all the weird stuff out. Small girl on my left laughs and laughs throughout the boring class (sign language).

And then there's people I barely know that bring it up. Dennis, a guy that only knows me by my insane need to haunt bookstores pulls up his shirt's short sleeves just to mimic kissing his biceps. I've never walked into this place wearing anything that gives off an appearance or feeling that I put in some time at the gym. It's Sara's complaint that I wear t-shirts far too big for me. It's fun to see how people react to knowing how strong I am but it comes with a price.

Note: I am not complaining because I've got a girlfriend that insists all clothes must come off so she can see everything prior to play. If you've been stuck with boyfriend that has no knowledge of what 'spotting' means, you have no idea what you're missing when it comes to being held up against a wall so easily.

Ah, but I feel like I'm full of myself. It's just that I get in a good mood prior to leaving for Indiana. I know that even if I'll pretty much pass out due to the cat allergies, it's more fun to find a warm naked body right next to me. Yes, I miss sex but there's so much more to it than that. My body's kind of at ease since I sleep better in her big bed.

I've been reading a lot, basically the types of books that slowly get to me. The first, of course, was 'Twilight' by Margeret Mayers. It's a series so the second is what I'm working on now, 'New Moon.' I just got the latest one today, 'Eclipse,' so are you still with me? I've only just now heard of these books that have Harry Potter fans flocking to. A girl, Bella, that goes back to a small town she once lived in finds herself in love with a vampire. Mind you, it's very slow so it's only 200something pages til we get into the good stuff, that being vampire type o' things. As with J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter, the first book is very slow but the next gets deeper since we're now in a battle where Bella has werewolves and vampires fighting for her attention. Doesn't sound like your thing? This type of stuff gets to me because somewhere deep inside I love the folklore of werewolves. Who wouldn't want to feel that kind of freedom to run through the woods like that? I've always said that the best kind of woman out there is the one that runs with the wolves.

*Waves to Colorado*

Oops, I promised a long discussion on my sexual appetite. Pity. I'll have to wait seeing as it'll be better to test things out this weekend. Sara's waiting for me and in hopes that I approve of her new gym that she's thinking of joining. Yes, I'm really curious about it all while wanting to sink my fingers up her wet slit. Sleeping with me has some curious little quirks that she realizes all while wanting to somewhat match me in the fitness department. Sex can wear a girl out, yo. Happy twats all around.

Still Alive Hopefully

"There's something to be said about coming close to being traumatized by coming across an ex-girlfriend."

-Me

Yessirree, you get that weird feeling when seeing someone you once slept with has now walked into the same building your pathetic ass has inhabited. Couldn't figure out what to do. Should I say hi or avoid any sort of possible hostile discussion that may or may not come up? All I could do was be happy that SHE dumped me because revenge is sweet. When a girl lets herself go, the ex-boyfriend is happy that he doesn't have to see that now big saggy ass anymore concealed in a very small manner by a purple thong.

I must be the only guy that breaks out in song in his mind by playing the Barney song when it comes to a purple thong. Something's gotta sop up that mess.

Where have I been? Let's just say that Wi-Fi is kind of kooky every now and then. You'll have it great one day but the next is up to that great big gig in the sky as to whether you get to scour the world of porn for more Japanese mayhem where tiny guys wave their penises at tiny girls dressed in school girl outfits deemed unsuitable for Catholics.

Note: Somebody in Colorado loves me!

So, I will be back as I just wanted to keep hope alive. I've kept myself so busy by not coming home from the gym as early as usual. It's hard when I tend to feel that need to talk too much to all these friends that just suddenly reappear. Only a matter of time til the sorority girls debut in order to make the guys salivate. Slutwatcher is going to have a hell of a time deciding who's shorts he wants to look up. Be back soon. Happy twats all around.

I Make Butterflies Horny

"My name is Ultrarooster and I like porn where women don't have all their holes probed with silverware, football players that aren't afraid of being hit while wearing pads and thinking dogfighting is a sport, books when I don't have to stand in a line while a 10-year-old picks his nose to throw boogers at me, rootbeer that doesn't taste like bark, having a girlfriend that smiles while playing with my asshole, and sniffing Strawberry Shortcake's panties. That is me and I am proud of it."

-Me

Rainy days are the worst. My whole body feels like it aches from the beginning to the end because I still feel the effects of an SUV running me over and over while its obese habitants giggle as they drop McDonald's fries on me.

It's not easy feeling motivated during a job interview where the interviewers make people wait over 2 hours and some of the people being interviewed think wearing jean shorts is the best look to get hired. Really. A part of me wanted to glare at this 40something woman and ask her why she even bothers. Once I saw the lack of 4 or 5 teeth, I felt a little better while watching the rain fall. People that look like they love Nascar live in a whole other world that I just don't belong to where the most expensive meal is found at KFC.

Note to those that are opening a new business. Don't start things out by having people wait for a long amount of time to be interviewed. We came on time. We expect you to be on time as well. The fuck do you need 2 hours of preparation for!?!

And so you'd rather I go into something along the lines of HappyLand? I try to find a happy place when this constant rain makes my skin feel like ants are crawling up and down it. My dog mopes about missing out on all the yards she can't shit in or the lack of being able to piss off a dog or 2.

Sara did bring a small amount of happiness by emailing me from work. All is well......sorta. She does admit to having found something for my birthday (September 6th! Write that down! I like half-naked women on farm equipment that tell me I have macaroni and cheese to eat til I burst!) but seems to hint at something more to add. Getting the boy who has everything something is hard, especially when he bought her diamond earrings that cause a girl's eyes to sparkle. Oh, you should have seen the look on Sara's face when that small box was propped open. Plus, I'm pretty sure I ate Sara out.

I dunno. It's simple, really. What I really want is a Batman t-shirt (grey) with the Batman symbol in yellow on the chest. I've hinted and hinted to Sara about this. There's all sorts of things that would make me go nuts such as her getting me a few things that will bring out a little color in a pathetic dresser. Oh, I can pull off wearing the cargo shorts and button down like a mad devil but, for color, I need a girl's touch. Girls have always told me to wear blue, the same color as my eyes but it's gotta be just right. She's the one looking at me while I only look away from myself.

Ah, a perfect night would be spent with the Wheel Of Salad (go to the restaurant Mountain Jack's to see what I'm talking about) and help at finishing off a 6-pack of Miller Lite on the porch followed by a lengthy blowjob that only gets better with some hard doggy-style. Yes, sometimes I do act like a man even if I find myself debating comic books and admitting that I once sniffed Strawberry Shortcake's knickers.

What guy has not gotten a whiff of his girlfriend's unmentionables after she tosses them at him while stripping?

Since there are book lovers that read this pathetic excuse of a male suddenly finding out that he has a remarkable penis, I bring you the fact that I have again joined the juvenile reading list. It seems that those addicted to Harry Potter are now finding a new hero, a girl named Isabella. 'Twilight' is the name of the first book in a series written by Stephenie Meyers. New girl in small town just so happens to catch a boy's eye, only he's a cold hearted vampire that lusts for her blood. Yup, a really good feel-good novel that has me longing to be a girl on the verge of putting out for the school's palest only there will be no sex. Head, they all start out with giving head at that age and we don't know if vampires can get it up.

So far, 'Twilight's' okay here and there. It would be impossible for me to give any indication as to whether this 500 page book is any good since I'm still in the cafeteria portion where the girl has only just met the vampire, Edward. Who names a vampire that, anyway? Vlad, Dave, Dillon, or even Winkie is far better than 'Edward' because that name only conjures up old people to me.

Okay, I really missed hearing from Sara so I'm a bit fucking high as a kite thinking about her telling me how much she misses me. What can I say? I'm weird but worth every damn loony antic that comes out of me. Maybe I'll do my Top 10 Things I Love About Sex to show how much I love y'all. When I'm not my old cynical self, I tend to walk around with my little 5-Pound Phooey (5 cicadas today) and smile as butterflies and flies mate around him. Isn't it sexy when the insect kingdom gets it on like Marvin Gaye is playing in the background? Yes, there is romance when a woman bends over and moans as that man o' wonder shoves his purple-headed-yogurt-slinger in there. Happy twats all around.

Rung Like Hell

"Remember, Billy, only retards wear their collars up."

-T-shirt slogan

It's Sunday and you know what that means! My body is as smooth as a baby's bottom and my ass is just as sweet smelling as the Monarchy's rose garden. C'mon, if yo' ass smelled this good, you'd be all proud n' shit that you'd tell all. Do I sound like this is an overshare or do I just need a spanky?

I really, really hate that need for sexual attention. The mind becomes scatterbrained and I start finding myself caring about the girls in VH1's Rock Of Love. Normally, I'm into someone that can read and not find the time to lace up a corset each day.

Sometimes, I wonder what the true intention is for people to be involved with Myspace. My little brother has his own site and continues to make me laugh. He'll use these pictures that are so obviously well-done at making him look like some risk taking crotch rocket rider. Sure, each person has a blog but I don't see him typing anything. Hell, I don't even know if my brother can type. Due to him leaving his site open, I find out that there's all these messages asking if he's found any 'hot girls' yet. My little brother, a total beanpole with absolutely no muscle tone, is trolling 30 minutes a day looking for bikini models!?! Sure, the 'Net is nice at making the world feel smaller but if your intention is just to get cybersex from some girl many states away you're really just wasting your time by not talking to what is in your hometown.

I laugh at the little notes left on various gorgeous girls' pages. It's always something along the lines of small verbal spitting that makes it sound like a gorilla has made itself known on the 'Net.

"You're hot."
"What's up, sexy thang?"
"Hey, babe."

Well, I can vouch with all honesty that I have never ever gone up to a girl I don't know and said any of these things. Ever. What irks me is how some guys can be so forward with their intentions. Yeah, all girls know by now that you want to have sex with them but try to show something within that makes them see you're a little more than just that. It takes more than a pair of tits to get my attention so I hope you don't mind if I actually talk to you.

There is a guy that was talked about in an Australian magazine. His Myspace page consists of an image of himself shirtless and obviously quite muscular. Fine. Some girls like that but it's his quotes that have me laughing. Apparently it's not just Arnold Schwarzenegger that finds the pump in working out with weights as being the same as an orgasm. This guy, a firefighter, talks about how amazing he is at lifting weights 3 times a day. Again, fine. But where does he find the time all while telling the world how amazing he is as well as being a firefighter?

I dunno. I've always found the best blogs n' shit to be those that say something different. You may not agree with who I enjoy but I find something in them. Tits and ass are nice but when a person tells it like it is all while not making me feel like she's self-absorbed I'm hooked. There are a few people that don't realize how good they can be, whether it's a different view on a political scandal or problems with Hollywood starlets that insist on shaving their heads to avoid a drug test. I like it that people feel free to yell at me. Sara does it to me all the time. You may have a nice body but it's your mind that keeps me there.

Quote me, bitch.

Damn, the bananas are going to rise in price thanks to Hurricane Dean destroying the banana crop. I like bananas! This is a problem, my friends. If bagels and orange juice are suddenly impossible to buy, I'll walk in front of a bus. You have coffee and I have bagels and orange juice. Learn this and we will get along.

You should congratulate my lil' 12-pounds of fluff. 5-Pound Phooey ate 9 cicadas today on just one of the 2 walks. Amazing how she will stalk and then pounce on this insect whom is soon seen being crunched in half. Think of this bug as a lobster dinner where you've found yourself eating the meat as well as the shell. I just love this hunting instinct located within this hairy little creature that adores me.

When not pouncing on a buzzing snack, 5-Pound Phooey takes the time to scare off 1 beagle. That is all. You'd think that I'd come across more dog-walkers but no. I don't know where they've all gone but I suspect it's all because of mine. Lovely little creature until she makes it know how she hates bitches. 5-Pound Phooey only likes boys, those that will allow her time to get it all out of her system.

Want to know why I'm a little weird and not feeling my usual sexual self? I'm somewhat worried about Sara. I've got this strange feeling that something is wrong or things are chaotic over the possibility of us going to Atlanta, Georgia. There has been some concern about the cost to go as it was last year but these people wait til the last minute. Always. It isn't til the day before that I find I have to pack my things and be off. That and I'm wondering if another seizure happened. Stupid me didn't leave my email addy for Sara's mom.

So, I'm going to leave y'all here as I dwell on tomorrow's job interview that may or may not happen. Allergies are having their way with me by causing my ear to ring like hell. Believe it or not, life is not always so easy, especially when you have a very tired mom coming home from radiation 5 days a week. Will some porn take my mind off things? Try, try I shall. Happy twats all around.

I Wanna Buzz Yo' Azz

"Since Summer had the joy of experiencing a nice time skinnydipping, I have had this possible scenario thrown around in my head all day. Yes, it still stands that there are a certain amount of you I'd love to see completely naked with Sara and I. If this miraculous event did happen, I'd hope that there is a male that can throw off the stares people will have when it comes to the enormous size of my balls, seeing as he can fill a Pringle's can with his dick."

-Me

As you can see, no matter how awful the weather, I still keep my strange sense of humor alive. Well, every man has a fantasy and mine just involves a lot of nudity and the need to exhibit myself on a warm day. Cartwheel, always naked cartwheels will get the party started even if I swear I will find myself parked on a chair discussing old school video games with someone's boyfriend as various tits move around me.

The traffic, along with this humid weather, was the worst! 40,000 students moved back in today so anywhere near the grocery stores or home improvement stores was a complete hassle. Funny how in my neighborhood it was the local high school girls in bikinis jumping up and down that had old men driving their SUVs and BMWs much slower than usual. Of course, that meant those car washes did much better than the ones where donations were wanted and parents did all the work. Old guys love to 'oggle the goodies' as Missy from the movie, Bring It On, said it best.

After getting through the hellacious traffic, I found that the bookstores had not one student in them. Hooray for the nerds spending more time hooking up their computers. It was just us locals curled up in Barnes and Borders while cafe workers offered free samples. Also, it was here that I see another magazine devotes some time to our misunderstood brown girl, M.I.A., as she tries to explain again why the U.S. would not renew her visa. It took Bono to bring her back after the U.S. deemed her as a possible terrorist.

Who? A beats making SECOND most favorite brown girl from Sri Lanka as a terrorist!?! If anything, we should bring M.I.A. and keep her, seeing as she tries new things when it comes to sounds instead of always relying on others to make them for her. Not only is this girl gorgeous but she's just fucking different in how she has the locals in her videos all while finding that one beat that moves her enough to freestyle the start. There is no credit card being slid down the crack of her ass.

M.I.A. has her ways. The only thing I hate about a magazine that considers itself to be for the female is this 'feminist' label. They always ask the interviewed subject about whether he/she sees itself as one. My Women In Society college teacher told me I am one. Made me laugh because it was the one class where 27 girls may have had me outgunned only to learn that I have a mouth from the south. Who would have thought that little old me would hold more power over 27 quiet girls as I defended homosexuals and denounced religion as nothing but something to oppress women. Still wish those girls had more to say than worry about what to wear since I really wanted a heavy debate.

I don't know. That kind of got thrown off as I typed that. Dammit, I hate it when I get sidetracked over so many subjects thrown at me at once. This tends to happen a lot since I type all my entries off the top of my head. Just go with me and not follow me.

So, this iPod vibrator is really taking off. Yeah, there is a major article found in the mag I picked up. Women, they have the niftiest gadgets for self-love, these days. I've always found vibrators and sex toys as something that pleases both sexes since I love to watch a woman masturbate. There's joy in watching various objects go in and out all while the air suddenly smells like cunt. Of course, it took Sara as being the first girl to allow me to watch since Kristan once told me that women masturbate best in private. Excuse me? Sara falls off the couch, bed, and chair. Who's gonna help dust her off and pep her back up after a bump on the noggin?

But the iPod vibrator.....fascinating thing that plays a pulse that goes with the song you've selected. Expect beats and not one long guitar solo, yo. The tester said that 50 Cent nearly killed her while Yoko Ono was just okay. I just cannot imagine a guy plugging in a plastic pussy that sucks like a vacuum cleaner the way the Rolling Stones get it going. If you start it up, he'll never stop. It'll make a grown man cryyyyyyy.

As for me in life, it was a day where 5-Pound Phooey ate 11 cicadas. 7 of these were in her tummy in the morning. I just find it insane that there is this inner hunter lurking within this little Yorkshire Terrier as I take her for walks. She'll stalk and then pounce on a cicada sleeping on the sidewalk since nights are spent for their mating moments. That annoying long eerie buzzing sound is not your vibrator but cicadas. Lots of love is up in them trees.

So, I must bid adieu as I say goodbye to another quiet weekend. Lucky for me, I got through it pretty fast by reading the screenplay for Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof. You might remember it as the second half of that little flick called 'Grindhouse.' Nice to know a car full of tough females can dish it out with a guy that uses his car as a weapon. People tend to run when I show my obsession for Don Johnson's tragic song, "Heartbeat." Go ahead and Youtube it. I get goosebumps on how awfully good it gets as he takes himself seriously. Lookin' for a heartbeat. Would you play that on your vibrator iPod? We'll talk sex later when I get my pathetic music needs out of the way. Happy twats all around.

I Will Get Out

"If I were a woman, I'd be considered the same as Medusa on the rag. Yes, I do get a tad bit grouchy."

-Me

It has come to my attention that I need to stop behaving like a somewhat-hermit and enjoy the life I once did. Could it be that I need to throw myself into the arms of Bald-O? Yes, boys do miss each other even if there is some strange sort of grunting that goes along with all. Clear your eyes away from the cloudy mess of all the farting where we look for those 'elephants' that keep disappearing underneath the couches and you'll find us.

Okay, I know I can be a little bit of a pain with my words and I realize this more and more as I walk with 5-Pound Phooey. The weather, although somewhat humid, is perfect traveling conditions seeing as no one enjoys driving hours in the snow. Next weekend, I will be in Indiana or down south with my college friend, Bald-O. It's kind of a toss-up but it'll most likely be Indiana due to Sara's definite need for bedding a boy. You should know it by heart, girls. Life isn't about enjoying a garden party but having a thick cock thrusted up between your legs to make you moan or squirt.

If you are a squirter, please put the images or video on the 'Net. I will forever find a woman enjoying a squirting orgasm as being the most fascinating thing out of all sex even if I am still up in odds as to whether it is pee or from that 'special place' that's considered a sponge. The world record in distance is just over 9 feet. When a girl's gotta go, she's gotta go!

But there is a slight romantic notion to traveling. Weird but true. Seeing as I've spent many miles on that 2 hours and 46 minutes down south, I know it by heart. Each small town I go through, I think of how interesting it is. You'd be surprised as to how many people are proud of being a part of places with a population of 40 to 500 instead of the big city where I am from and still live. Unfortunately, that stigma where people from small towns have small minds does tend to ring true quite often. They make up for it with bigger hearts than those in big cities, though, considering that "southern comfort" really is a great time to kick off your shoes and pass out under a large tree after getting a handjob from Bessie-Jo.

For once, Britney Spears and I are in the same boat. I'm watching my hair grow long with hopes that it would go a bit faster. Sara mentioned how much better I'd look with longer hair instead of my usual spiky appearance. No, I'm not that submissive but have always wanted to do so for a while. All I needed was a mention or urging and away I go with not having the top cut and allowing the back to catch up at an even pace.

Well, it's working seeing as I've played around with it by slicking my hair back. I'm in the minority on the enjoyment of seeing my hair the way Don Johnson had it during his Miami Vice days. It's just that I'm in a playful state, seeing as this is what happens during those grumpy days. The look on people's faces as I work out in public is fun. They're just not used to seeing my gorgeous blue eyes so easily on this toned face that cannot be taken seriously. I tend to laugh a lot.

The goal, though, is to bring back Christian Slater's hair from the movie, Heathers. Remember that 80's classic? No? How about a good quote?

"I love my dead gay son!"

It's gonna take some major practice with my hair seeing as it still likes to spike up a bit. When I reach ponytail status, my goal has been achieved. I've never grown it that far and that'll just make me feel like more of a rebel in my gym. The only hairstyles you see in there are military or something very short. Weight-lifters and bodybuilders just don't have a sense of adventure past shaving their armpit hair.

As for today, 5-Pound Phooey ate 3 cicadas and pissed off some college girl that had trouble controlling her 2 poodles. Any day where a poodle is pissed off is a good day for her. That college girl's a snob anyway.

Oh, and if you're an addict for nude celebrities, the pics of Nick and Vanessa completely starkers are on the 'Net. American tabloids, fearful of being sued, censored them but the Mexican ones let it all hang out. Let's just say that I didn't know that Vanessa was that hairy down there. Whoo! Nick's got some major rug munchin' goin' on and, yes, I am happy that there are some rebellious girls that say to hell with bare. Bush is so coming back. Too bad the nude scenes in the new Jessica Biel movie are only going to be her tits and side view of her ass. That ass so needs to be shown in full motion from the back. Yes, there is a white girl that can make a black guy thankful.

So, I'm outta here as I keep to myself as I know I'll be gone next weekend. Drunk or sexually satisfied? A boy has some very tough decisions to make. There are some very good revelations when alcohol is the only form of refreshment found in a trailer. Happy twats all around.

Sweetness Doesn't Count

"You've got to be completely heartless not to notice a newspaper's headline about how state lawmakers gave themselves a 10% raise but said nothing in the state's budget would be allocated for schools or hospitals."

-Me

Oh, lordy! That made me so mad when I read about how our state's lawmakers gave themselves a raise but didn't see fit to work on the budget other than that. Since when does one of these guys have a hard time making ends meet? We don't even have a solid budget in Illinois as our governor is fighting with the house speaker over small issues. Hell, the local enormous college is worried about how they're going to pay their employees with no solid budget.

Illinois has been made known as having one of the most corrupt governing bodies. George Ryan saw to it that his popularity was so low that he let all those on death row off. Remember that? Now, it's Rod and his jet going back and forth from Chicago all because he doesn't want to live in Springfield. The cost? Over $75,000/year paid for by taxpayers.

Right now, I'm reading the screenplay for Resident Evil: Extinction in hopes that it will give me some sort of fantasy life away from the everyday government cronies. No such luck. All I wish for is some sort of plague that takes away our most idiotic citizens or turns them into zombies. It's here that I mow 'em down while wielding a sawed-off shotgun on a crotch rocket. When Ultrarooster is out to save the day, he does so in style.

But Resident Evil: Extinction also give me another sort of anger. I watch MTV Cribs with a certain interest in what people are into. That luster is gone since people like Skid Row's Sebastian Bach's zest for comic books has made way for rappers bragging about jewelry. Tonight's had a guy telling us that it is perfectly alright to spend $350,000 on a large gold chain with diamonds. Again, I want to mow down some of these fucks that hoard this kind of cash while schools and hospitals barely get by.

I know we live in a capitalistic society. But holy fuck, how can a person not give back? Just what makes a person wish to spend obscene amounts of money on jewelry, 4 houses, and a gigantic fishtank that contains a shark? First of all, sharks belong in the ocean. Second, you only really need one house unless you vacation in another country often. Third, how blind a person must be when driving around in a Lamborghini as schools hold up signs of another desperate bake sale. George Bush's America has tax breaks for those that are rich enough to get it, yo.

For the young 'uns, I was thinking about your band, Good Charlotte's Joel Madden. Don't know him? This is the guy that got that potato skin, Nicole Richie, pregnant and with lusted after tits. Anyway, Good Charlotte had this song called "Lifestyles Of the Rich And Infamous" where they discussed celebs bitching about how hard it is to be rich. Here is Joel doing just that with a no-talent snot that should have been in prison years ago.

Yes, it's painfully obvious that I keep fantasizing about an apocalypse of some kind where those that know how to survive can rid the world of those that exploit it. I'd love to see those in our government try to fight off a large herd of zombies while survivors and I take bets as to who will last the longest. I have no sympathy for those that have no heart.

FYI: My only real celebrity-like want would be to own the Batmobile. While the 50's one was pretty damn cool, I'd go for the 89's version with Michael Keaton being directed by Tim Burton. That was THE shit and I'd love to see it parked outside for its many drives down the street with some hardass music by Garbage and Paula Abdul. The latter will be with the windows up because "Knocked Out" is kina personal, yo.

Oh, 5-Pound Phooey, for those of you keeping track, ate 2 cicadas today. What I've noticed is her need to feel like a hunter. It started with that mole a while back and has now escalated to large bugs like these cicadas. When I picked up a live one on the sidewalk, 5-Pound Phooey ran over and snatched it out of my hands. The thing buzzed a lot but 12-pounds of furry mayhem was too much. Crunched and swallowed by 5-Pound Phooey. I just cannot believe my dog eats bugs.

I haven't talked about the gym because it's just been too bland. Here and there, I see people that I enjoy laughing with like Richard and Tamalah. It's not often because this is the time of year where the humidity makes people grumpy ass fuckers like me. Actually, I'm not grumpy but cynical, something everyone should be or they'd end up as runover by moronic managers.

So, I'm outta here as this uneventful rainy icky day comes to a close. Wish I had a Nintendo Wii to play with since it would be nice to help my mom get in shape. If it's not that that's bringing her down, it's the radiation that makes her so tired. A good game of tennis doubles on the Wii can help bring back some zing. Did you know a famous pornstar got kicked off a video game club? Very funny story if you know where to look as even gorgeous girls get their kicks with hopeless geeks until one of them turns her in. Happy twats all around.

Hot Out There For A Bitch, Yo

"Dogs, as much as we hate to admit it, can be a little blunt at times."

-Me

Yeah, I've learned how important a dog's nose in during my own personal embarassing moments. You could be bent over butt-naked doing the nasty only to feel a very cold object pressed against the backdoor that sure as hell aint the woman moaning. The first thought is: "How'd she get over there so fast!?!" It's when you see those dark confused eyes that register something else entirely that it all comes together.

"What are you doing with my mommy?"

I don't know how you'd react but I got a small laugh at how 5-Pound Phooey just walked right up to this beautiful girl and buried her nose in her crotch. She's one of those flower girls that the park district hires to water and weed in small garden areas all throughout the town. 5-Pound Phooey, certainly not shy, just had to say hi.

Ever seen a pumpkin over 500 pounds? The gardener has 4 growing but only 2 are in this range as of yet. Each day, I pass these gigantic monsters as I prepare for another daily run with 5-Pound Phooey. The only way you can move these pumpkins is with a forklift. That won't be til September. Trust me. I'm going to watch this happen. One day, I'll get a date for this out of the gardener's mouth while sharing a six-pack o' beer with him. He with a Coor's Light and I with a Corona as we say goodbye to something that makes all stop and stare.

I haven't heard from Sara in a while but that doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Her roommate went out and bought HBO's Rome Season 2 on DVD. That was just before I left Indiana so I would suspect that Sara has been enlightened with the past of a very flawed but interesting political system. Was Caesar a tyrant?

You'd be surprised as to how much HBO's Rome will pull you into past where trust is hardly a possibility. Even if you have a hard time understanding politics (What's the problem? Democrats are good while Republicans are bad), the charms of how things got done will bring you in. The water was contaminated and filthy so everyone drank wine. Drunk by noon so everyone lets it all hang out. Brothels were legal and quite possibly a good place to send a young lad to be deflowered. Bathrooms were co-ed and useful to continue the conversation as you dropped a load literally. Democracy was not a thought but the Republic just might welcome you with open arms if you're willing to allow bribery of officials. Some of it sounds like today.

Way back when, I used to write a weekly entry about the latest episode of HBO's Rome. Oh, I was so young then, just opening myself up to the world and dreaming of getting away from Diaryland's filthy hold on me. The first episode will not grab you due to a lot of confusion as to who is who. There is Caesar, of course along with the scheming Attia. Octavian is young and only about to become the leader of a great army to deal with Attia's lover, Antony, prior to his doomed love affair with Cleopatra. Did you know Caesar was stabbed 23 times on the senate floor? I'm not sure if it is entirely true that Brutus did the final thrust of a blade but fascinating that a friend would do that to you, no?

Note: Still not convinced at watching Rome with Sara and I? There's sex, lots and lots of sex! Dammit, when a girl's got to convince a rival to accept a tribute, she sends a slave with a very large penis bow-tied for major abuse. Antony is a complete horndog out to fuck anything. Cleopatra? Well, never taunt a woman on her period because she desires sex even more than any male can handle.

So, how are you? I've had a fiddle of a day thanks to this heat. It's been pretty damn bad as my t-shirts can attest to. Sara's hates my red AC/DC one because she says it makes me look sick due to my skin's color combating it. Weird. It's a very thin t-shirt that just so happens to cool me off more than most of the others. Right now, it's the Beatles' Blue Meany that I'm wearing.

Looking forward to one of my 2 favorite brown girls to come back into the fold. M.I.A.'s new CD comes out August 28th so it all makes me wish I had a CD player in my car to close out the rap shit I have to hear as I drive past other cars. I know. I'm pathetic. Sara tells me that all the time so maybe she'll get me an upgrade for the car. It'll benefit her as well as I'll have to listen to Feist a lot.

Speaking of brown people, there is a group of them that play cricket as I pass through the park. Geniuses, right? We all think of Indians as those that can pass the highest math or sciences with ease while we dumbass white kids scratch our heads. Not exactly. Whoever told these guys that playing cricket near a pond was smart needs to rethink things. Never saw a group of Indian guys hold hands to help the one at the bottom of the row retrieve the ball from the pond before. Who plays sports in button down shirts anyway?

So, I'm outta here after another day where 5-Pound Phooey ate a cicada after sniffing a girl's crotch. It's hot out there for a bitch and she knows it. Happy twats all around.

Shortcake's Shorts Are For Me

"I won't leave til I get some figgy pudding."

-Me

Oh, crikey! I'm in some trip, of some sort, where I thought back to the old days of realizing the scent of women. It's there. The way I see it is that it's either a blessing or a curse. Would you believe that this all came about when I stuck my finger in my ear thanks to all the itching while water poured out? Sara was sound asleep and I was worried that I was leaking brain fluid. Thanks to the number of times where she smiles while saying 'weird,' this just might be true.

Yeah, earwax. It's all about how I just cannot resist smelling my finger after killing that horrible itchy annoyance that brought all this being aware of scent. Well, that and the fact that I had seen Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer and how smell is so vitally important to us all. Earwax, well, at least mine, has a heavy dose of sugar/sweet that just weirds me out. Makes me wonder if that's the reason I've had a couple tongues placed in there. The power of sex just doesn't stop anywhere. Some people fuck ears, ya know?

If you wish to know my absolute weakness when it comes to scent, it is this. I fucking love the smell of strawberries. No joke. I once won a Strawberry Shortcake coloring contest where people thought I was nuts to enjoy winning. What would a chubby white kid with a desire to wear Spiderman Underoos want with a girl's toy? Why, to sniff Shortcake's strawberry panties of course! Gawd, I never realized til 3 years ago that I was destined to be a freak with a complete love of strawberries. Mind was hazy. That's what underpants do to a guy, yo.

Seriously, I go nuts for the smell of strawberries. Perfumes that line this scent get my attention and, yes, there are times I will give an ugly lady a couple looks if she's wearing one. All men are susceptible to a scent. It could be freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, limes, and beer. The smell of erasers just reminds me of the nuns that sent me through hell in private Catholic school. Not good times, I tells ya. Spent some time daydreaming over the cute girl in curls that was far too old for me. She probably smelled like strawberries.

Yes, I know I have problems. This has been clearly outlined on the papers I carry with me whenever I travel. "Not to be placed next to strawberries" is heavily outlined like a motherfucker.

There are 2 smells I pretty much detest to the mighty core that is me, coffee breath and soup breath. The first I am slowly getting used to because I have a girlfriend that drinks coffee like a madwoman. If she's not throwing me up against the wall after pulling me into the bathroom at parties just to giggle at the damage while she pees, it's going to be kissing me with coffee breath. Ugh! I fucking hate it! These aren't just kisses but deep open mouth licks prior to her leaving the car for work. I'll be spitting here and there.

Now, soup breath brings back memories of Kristan because there were moments where she would be eating vegetable soup. Guess who has to get kissed while sitting on the kitchen counter? I just don't understand how women seem to bring about my weaknesses so easily. I'll watch Dirty Dancing 20 times in a day but absolutely detest being kissed after a girl eats vegetable soup.

See? It clearly outlines under paragraph 3 that I am not to be kissed when 'woman eats vegetable soup of any kind.'

Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer is so dead on when various scents are discussed. Just never thought of us humans as smelling like cheese. We do carry a variety of smells that are obvious when the nose is placed so close to bodyparts. You'll notice them stuck to the head on your hair, in the ears, breath, skin, sweat from the skin itself, feet, pussy, ass, dick, and whatever you collected on your fingers that day. I found it funny when a recent interview revealed a porn star's love of the smell of ass. But, then, I realized that my nose has been within centimeters of a girl's asshole while eating her out from behind. We're all a bunch of freaks.

But to collect a woman's scent as the murderer from the book does? You've read about serial killers and their obscenely strange desires so this shouldn't be new. There are times I wish a certain scent was with me at all times. You would, too, if you worked out in my gym with a bunch of sweaty arrogant pricks for bodybuilders. But then how would we say what smell is bad if everything was all good? Oral sex has that benefit where we guys can tell our girlfriends that she might have a possible infection down there. Bravery counts because it's hard to tell a woman she has a smelly box.

I do not know where I am going. Blame it on the root beer that is slogging along my brain as I type this. I fell in love with a movie interpretation of 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer' and end up lost as to how to explain. I've also got strawberries on my mind while someone out there makes fun of this. Now, it's thinking about all those times Sara says I smell good when I'm sweaty. Could it also be a good excuse to get me in the shower with her?

The point is that I'm so weak when scents come into play. We all know how I love the smell of pussy. It's a nice marine-like float that plays with arousing me. No one can describe it but the closest is a lobster tank in the middle of the grocery store. Only somewhat. As long as it's not strong, pussy smells very, very good. A guy can get quite a rep when giving because a little tongue goes a long way in a coed dorm.

Today's count:

1). Ate a cicada
2). Chased 2 cats
3). Got nasty with 3 dachsunds
4). Pissed off at least 4 other dogs today.

I guess we can say 5-Pound Phooey gave it her all today. My feet are sore from all the usual debauchery that follows from a walk with her. The best part was when 5-Pound Phooey stopped to watch the geese she chased into a small pond. Makes me wonder if people think I'm involved in dogfighting, seeing as she gets all foul-mouth with every dog we encounter.

So, I'm outta here as I feel a lil' down from watching police footage of dogfighting. HBO had a short investigative video on this world. I just don't understand the thinking in these people on how it's a 'sport.' How can you say that while stealing people's puppies to be used as practice? One guy almost lost his dog only to find it hobbling down the road with a shattered pelvis. That was luck because other practice dogs get their mouths taped while the fighting dogs have their way with it. People involved in dogfighting should be forced to fight steroid-filled freaks to see what it's like. Happy twats all around.

Stinky Fits Of Pubes

"Our daughter's a lesbian! High-five!"

-Californication

It's a tired old try when it comes to TV shows. Stop me if you've heard the one about a burned out writer trying to make a comeback after his previous book sold millions. What irritates the hell out of me is that this writer is almost always so amazing at getting women into bed. Wouldn't you be miserable, make that too miserable, to even find any dose of sexuality when not being able to do what others say is your 'gift?'

Californication is the name of the TV show and, if you've been living in a small cave somewhere, it plays on Showtime. It's okay, seeing as there are a lot of naked women and the teenage daughter resembles an amusing Emily the Strange (visit Hot Topic for this character) whom keeps finding either naked women or dirty panties lying around her dad's apartment. Yes, this 'dad' is the burned out writer that somehow cannot help himself when women just throw themselves at him. Geez, I never got laid this much in college. It irritates me when a channel keeps bringing back the old burned out oversexed writer as someone to cheer for. Originality has done gone and died again.

Now, you might ask yourself why I bothered to watch Californication. It is okay here and there but the main reason was that I had to catch Showtime's Weeds Season 3 premiere. I'm happy to say they brought back the funny. Can't say much since someone else watches the show but a 12-year-old kid learning to drive the van is funny when you put the right song to it.

So, life? I'm not all TV but when you've spent a lot of time with people trying to get you to join their gym because they miss you, some moments are best to veg. Well, especially after the daily walk with a small dog with attitude. Today;'s count is this when it comes to who 5-Pound Phooey pissed off: 1 schnauzer, 3 cats, 1 small tan dog, and redeemed herself by having an unknown woman wish to come out of her house just to pet her. Cute dog and weird white boy go hand-in-hand.

Bored? Try taking your dog for a walk because I come across all sorts of life with 5-Pound Phooey. Yes, it's nice not being fearful of being assaulted or raped due to my size. Topless does have its benefits, no? My fascination with insects continues as I see cicadas and butterflies on a daily basis. I know cicadas may not be your cup of tea but these alien-like insects take me back to the days where I used to catch them. Butterflies only keep me hoping that beautiful things can survive in such an ugly world. It's possible that I was the only one that cheered when the monster truck mowed down those rednecks by accident. Who does those things in a parking lot anyway?

It's not easy to startle me but that's just what I did when I came across 2 large chicken hawks staring at me from a metal fence. Mind you, these birds were only 40-50 feet away. If 5-Pound Phooey hadn't stop to piss on some flowers, I would have just walked on by but my keen eye caught sight of them as I stood there. Interesting birds. You've probably seen them fly around during drives around backroads because that's their primary hunting ground. But upscale neighborhoods? Do squirrels taste better in white neighborhoods? It's even weirder when you think back to how I saw one sitting on a Honda parked in the driveway. I'd insist it shit on a Hummer as soon as possible and not a Honda.

Note: Yes, I realize I really, really need to bring along a digital camera.

I'm only slightly raunchy since spending time in 2 gyms kind of wore me the fuck out. People miss me after taking off to the new gym that opened up so they take me in hopes that this new one will get me to attend. I may look like I live in one but life happens outside of running to nowhere. Gotta give the new one credit. Each treadmill comes with a small flatscreen TV AND a DVD player so you can watch whatever movie you want while running to nowhere. Some people really do run for almost 2 hours.

What I've been trying to get at is my raunchy side starts to slither around when scent comes to mind. That book, 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer,' does this in a big way. Page after page reminds me of how I enjoy the smell of a woman and I do mean all. There's those portions of skin, like behind her ears and moments where it's been touched by the sun. You can't help but laugh when a couple is so honest to each other about their genitals but Sara and I do get on each other if our long day makes us stinky down there. Mmmm....but I still love pussy when it's just starting to wet itself no matter how hot the day has been when she's wearing jeans.

You'll see. When I finish 'Perfume....' is when I'll get into it all. It's a nice book that I'm close to finishing, seeing as I've also been busy with other things each day. Only been close to 4 days and I already miss Sara. Is that sad? In no way am I the clingy type but I'm as devoted as can be. Maybe I should write about how easy it is for a girl to get a guy to fall in love with her. It'll be called 'Just Be Yourself' and will consist of how to yell at him while he's driving to get him near the point that he wants to strangle her. There'll be an extra special paperback portion that will include how easy it will be for the both of them to sleep when she massages his balls at night. Happy twats all around.

Fubar

"I caught myself in one of those dreaded moments: 'Am I a man or a woman?' thanks to the addiction that is VH1's Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels. Thankfully, Tango And Cash was on so there it is. I've still got that special place in my heart for Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russel where they help catch bad guys. Major fubar, right, Cash?"

-Me

So, there you have it. Cat's out of the bag. I'm a bit addicted to this VH1 show, Rock Of Love, and it shows. Jes and Mia are my favorite girls but why Jes thinks she should allow Bret into her heart all because he plays a very cringeworthy song is so sad. Yeah, you tell the morons (like me) about how all your boyfriends cheated on you but see a guy that is well-known for not being faithful as worthy? C'mon, Jes! Behind all that guy-liner and botox, Bret's looking pretty u-g-l-y.

This is coming from a Poison fan. Yes, I have belted out their "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" one too many times and will til I die. It's just that I find it hard to look at Bret's disaster-filled face that consists of what looks to be surgery and guy-liner. Makeup is fine but they dude's forehead doesn't even consist of one line.

It's a slow news day thanks to the bloody fucking heat that has enveloped my town. Whoo! Each bullet of sweat sent streaming down my back is an annoyance that makes me wonder what sort of insect has attached itself to me only to use me as a slip n' slide. Doesn't matter if I'm out there topless and causing housewives to swoon over my sweaty body. I'm drenched and look like I'm talking to myself when 5-Pound Phooey and I go for walks.

I'm all for being outside. I really, really do as I find myself happier after a walk or 2. Right now, I rarely see anyone out. Of course, there is the usual sports bra jogger with her tiny shorts that waves at me but even that's a rarity. Remembering those 2 golden retrievers that run into the pond makes me wish I could find a nice little puddle of water for 5-Pound Phooey to swim in. Yes, she is that small even if weighing in at 12 pounds is pretty impressive. She's like a woman with a boobjob, always wanting everyone to look at her and feel what she has.

Still made it to the gym. With very little people there, the extra bodyheat didn't ruin things like it does at night. Since there was a beautiful college girl in the teeniest shorts that gave her a constant wedgie that revealed teeny-tiny panties (She was in front of me so I have an excuse), our usual muscle obsessed gym workers just stared and stared at her. I hate it when those with too much testosterone are not getting laid. Oh, sure, they brag with the guys about how they banged a girl after the bars closed. Their big dreams overlap that after 13 beers, the right hand is named 'Suzy.'

But who can blame them? Going without sex is one of the awfullest of tragedies. It screws up your creative thinking because that's all you can think about, sex, sex, sex, and more sex. Without that adrenaline surging through your body from an amazing orgasm, the mind just isn't quite as creative or yourself thinking about more disgusting things than you thought you could. Remember Bald-O? All throughout college, I have to hear from him about how gross it is for a girl to stick her finger up a guy's butt. It was my drunken rambling where I admitted that Kristan once stuck her finger up my ass that brought this out. Yes, it was wonderful but now Bald-O has had these big dreams of wanting to stick his finger up a girl's arse.

It's very tight. That's all I have to say about that.

You know what? Last night, I got a small push towards writing about various sexual things. That 'push' came from a movie called Sex & Lucia, a foreign critically loved movie about a woman wondering what to do after a boyfriend's death. The relationship is cute. None of those stupid fights that seem to come up when a director has no idea what to do next. Nothing in regards to a weak girl needing a pathetic male to cling to. It's all about Lucia taking off in hopes of ridding herself of the sudden change in her life. It's sex that's silly fun where a girl likes a guy she met last week and playfully teases him by taking off her panties in a crowded cafe for him to sniff. It's where you have that fun moment of stripteasing that ends up in laughter. It's where you first see each other naked and there is nothing on your mind but playing with each other's bodyparts. In other words, it's saved by the fact that it's not an American movie. The weird part is that it kind of reminds me of Sara and I, no thoughts on marriage but the company we provide each other.

I'm bored and so this entry makes me feel like it's boring, too. I may have seen my friends, Tamalah and Old Nick, but they can only do so much from keeping me sane. You see, I keep thinking about Sara and her seizures for some reason. Yeah, they do worry me as I just try to think of her as a tough girl able to deal with what's presented to her. I guess that's what happens when a couple says the dreaded 'L' word at some point. Pushing 200 pounds above my head takes my worries away for about 2 to 3 seconds. Happy twats all around.

Party Like A Tampon

"I enjoy a little realism in my TV shows. However, I draw the line when the director/editor of one does not realize that an actress has a very obvious tampon string hanging down. Now, you expect me to believe that he really, truly fucked her without her taking the time to take her tampon out? I'm more likely to expect Luke Skywalker to come up to me and ask me to join the Rebellion."

-Me

Ah, yes, I enjoy questioning things. While I believe things to be realistic in a sexually explicit TV show, I have to admit that the very obvious sign of a tampon string is a good thing. It's there and it happens to be something we guys must deal with no matter how much periods annoy us as well. If a lady's gotta deal with the 'morning wood' knocking at her buttock's door, he can put up with a morning where he's gotta deal with sexual urges himself. Trust me. There are times where I curse the gods when Sara has her period. It's only when there is that sinister smile on a girl while holding a bottle of lube and all is forgiven.

Hear all those cries? Men of all ages have been crying thanks to the revelation that Jessica Alba has herpes. As much as she annoys me with her thinking that she can act or that she will not disrobe on camera, Jessica sure is purty to look at. Just how many Hollywood stars have herpes? Wonder how many diseases Charlie Sheen has.

Sara was good to me this week. Not only did I get 3 or 4 days of actual sleep out of the 7 there without a middle-of-the-night moment where I ended up on the edge of the bed after being kicked but she helped solve my birthday dilemma: Should I get a Nintendo Wii or a mega-powerful digital camera?

I'm totally gonna get the Nintendo Wii because there is truth to those discussions on people losing 9 pounds a month playing the sports game. Sara and I played 3 doubles games of tennis and I ended up drenched in sweat. Most of the time, she was on the left as I swung, swang, smacked, and launched as many hits off my imaginary racket as I could. I'm not joking about how much fun it is to play the Wii as bowling is now second best. The tennis is hilarious while trying to dodge Sara's swings that tend to go all over the place while chasing an imaginary ball.

It's not the weight-loss that's driving me to a Wii. There is just pure fun to be had where you create a character that looks like you, play your heart out in the various sports activities (golf, baseball, bowling, tennis, etc.), and see yourself get better as time goes by. Be sure to have a floor for running around because tennis is mad crazy enough where you'll end up smacked onto the floor by your teammate. How many times did Sara hit me? Only once but there were at least 4 to 6 moments that came close as I ended up topless with sweat pouring down.

I'm kind of into Bravo's Top Chef thanks to Sara's mom. I'm not a cook or anything based on being an artist in the kitchen. What we have here is a show that finds people competing with various expertises in food, the gorgeous food found in stuffy restaurants and the flame-broiled cheeseburgers we all love. While Sara was downstairs finishing up Perfume: The Story Of a Murderer, I was upstairs eating ice cream with her mom and commenting on the contestants. Yes, cooking can be extremely competitive and brutal to some. Plus, the host, Padma, oozes sex appeal more than Heidi Klum ever did for that channel. I bet she doesn't shave completely down there and smells like the finest pussy perfume ever to exist underneath those skirts. I'm raunchy when I'm hungry.

What irritates me on CNN is its over-reporting on various subjects. Yes, the bridge collapsing was horrifying but do we need to hear about it all day and night? Life doesn't stop. Many news stories deserving of being mentioned happen all day. Back when the collapse happened, that's all there was on channels, interviewing people with the caption: "I thought I was going to die." No shit. I'd think that if thrown into Australian waters with a great white shark on Tuesday. Everyone knows they're grumpier on THAT day.

CNN thought that we absolutely had to hear about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, and Lindsey Lohan whenever these idiotic fucks were in trouble or, in Anna's case, became a bloated dead whale. What I thought should have been done during the collapse is report on the news and come back in with updates here and there. A constant report that feels like hours and hours just doesn't do it. Sure, we're curious but there is life all over the planet that has no interest. Yes, I do wonder what is happening in France as Lucia accidently runs over the local produce market with a monster truck that somehow exported itself there. It's a fucking bridge that has now made us learn that a lot of other bridges are unsafe. It's not the number of deaths but reporting of other important things should not come to a halt.

Yes, I do care. I get concerned when hurricanes find their way to Florida. I hate knowing that more soldiers died in Iraq. I hate hearing about our shit-for-brains president doing his daily stupid antics. It's just that I want to know a lot rather than a little on the world.

So, I'm outta here as I prepare for more carnage tomorrow. 5-Pound Phooey was weighed tonight and found to be a whopping 12 pounds! These walks have put some major muscle on my lil' doggie. Must be some swagger behind her need to give the bigger dogs lip. 2 golden retrievers found her amusing and even playfully sniffed her after swimming in the nearby pond. I cannot imagine 5-Pound Phooey being sent to swim out to retrieve a ball. The fish would get her. Either that or a herd of turtles would be shouting 'Turtle Power!' as she pisses yet another species off with her mouth o' mayhem. Hmmm......let's get sexually explicit tomorrow since there is nothing like seeing a movie where the lead actress hands her panties to her boyfriend while sitting in a crowded cafe. Happy twats all around.

Sara Likes My Special Smell

"It smells like penis!"

-Sara (when I was trying to decipher a scent that lingered in her bed's sheets)

Yeah, who woulda thought that a small brown-eyed girl would just blurt out that? It seems that's her reason for anything that smells odd where she catches me sniffing the air in her room. Truth be told, the smell was something else entirely. It was Sara's hair stuff since I know my cock doesn't smell that good.

And so you realize that I am now back. It was a pretty good week, busy but a good one. I've taken this new job of driving Sara around like a duck to water. There are hazards, of course, since she is very vocal about speed and lane usage. If you are not in the lane Sara wants, you get yelled at. At the stoplights, I tend to hold back the need to strangle her. It doesn't even matter about the time, too. Around 8am and we're groggy but still ready to chew each other out over my being too tired to speed at the rate deemed good enough for Sara.

It's not normal that I'll stay in Indiana for a week. This one was a little different since Sara's mom was alone due to the dad being in Canada on a fishing trip with 6 guys. She likes me and we're off to dinner because no woman wants to eat alone. It's like some kind of moral imperative that women must have someone to sit across from for talking or yelling at. Sara disses my choice in food while Sara's mom and I discuss my love of her macaroni and cheese recipe (pepper jack is da secret). It's kind of weird how one feels me up from across the table while the other obsesses over something trivial when it comes to her daughter.

I'm pretty much in with Sara's friends so there are those moments where I'll find myself at a cookout. Theirs are a little different. One of the guys enjoys mixing drinks while Sara does the tasting. I'm definitely not surprised when she's wondering around the lawn with a martini glass filled with a colorful drink and asked to taste it for my own critique. Not much gets my attention since I'm a beer fan, tried and true.

There is very little sleep when it comes to Sara missing her meds. They make her a little full of energy when taken late, such as before bed. While many out there are fast asleep before work, Sara is insisting on reading or watching my Picket Fences DVD set. It kind of works for me due to not being able to sleep after various moments of being kicked or climbed over during a late urge to pee. Mind you, these happen wee into the night and it's only a few hours til we're up thanks to the radio blaring the talk radio's laughter. If you need to know where I am, I'm the zombie barely awake and sitting on the edge of the bed with morning wood. My dick's up earlier than I.

I'm still in love with the movie, 300, but Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer gets a slight edge due to my love of scent. I will get into that but it shocked me that Sara liked the first one but found the second 'boring' and 'predictable.' You must remember that she also finds Donnie Darko barely passable in her taste of movies. That movie, Donnie Darko, is so beautifully poetic in my eyes that I just cannot see why people ignore it. Half-naked Spartans do have their importance but not when it comes to a movie that has angry people voicing the need for a killer's blood suddenly feeling the need to shed all their clothes. Yes, they did use 750 naked people that I am curious as to how that worked out.

300 still holds that special place in my heart due to it's urging of honor, even when it comes to a man's wife. I liked the idea of a Spartan's wife telling her warrior about to find himself at war to bring back his shield or be on it. To them, an amazing death is during battle. To the wife, it's her way of telling this man that, while he cannot show any sort of sweetness prior to a battle, she can in her own way. Nothing like a thousand arrows to block out the sun prior to pouring down on a man determined to win no matter the odds, eh? No matter how sad you get for a character, I hold true to the protecting of the girlfriend/wife.

A part of me would have been home earlier but Sara wanted me to attend a showing of her gym. She's shy of walking into a place that is hardcore, basically my home away from home. Many people would shy away from the sight of a place where machines are punishing beasts but I look at them as things to conquer. Sara wants to be more fit but I see her gym experiences taming her at night. For me, I sleep so much better after a workout that would make others puke. That was Wednesday but the gym still finds itself under construction. Damn, I so wanted to see what a upscale gym looked like.

By the way, I am at 202 pounds. It seems that I grow from all the rest from my workouts I get at Sara's. I may not sleep well but my muscles love the time away from pressing large amounts of weight til I lose that ability. How soon til I reach 220?

So, I'm outta here as I prepare myself for explanations. Why do I hate CNN's bridge reporting? Is Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer that good? Does Sara's bed always smell like penis? Why is it nearly impossible to get into the bathroom when a place has 2 females? After a day where my little dog found the time to take a nap in people's yards, anything is possible. Happy twats all around.

I'm Not Wired

"You know you look bad when a little old lady insists on buying you a smoothie."

-Me

Yeah, that's exactly what happened. The heat is so bad that I came back from 5-Pound Phooey's walk with major sweat bullets dripping down my face. Unfortunately, what normally takes 45 minutes was a lot longer thanks to someone making the weird decision to take a nap in someone's front yard. Imagine having to wake up a cranky little dog not once but 3 times.

Well, I am back. I would have written last night but my dad decided to make everything wireless. I'll admit to a bit of feeling odd that I am sending my entry without wires. This house without wires? Impossible! Too many TVs and computers all around. The video game systems hooked up make it even worse. Wi-Fi is nice, though.

Of course, there is a lot to talk about. It's just that I've been so busy catching up with life here that I've had little time to chat away. What normally takes me 3 days, I did in 1 thanks to not being able to sleep. Sara, I have no idea how she does what she does. We'll be up til 1 or 2am talking or either having sex only to be forced to wake up and drive her to work before 8:30am. I may be a zombie sitting on the edge of the bed but she's here and there trying on various clothes to wear to work. It'll take me a good 15 minutes til the sleep is out of my eyes but it's here that I'm driving her. You know what? I find it fun until I have to return to the apartment to get something she forgets. Cell phone or keys, there's a good chance I've got to go back.

So, just wanted to let y'all know I'm back. Last night was so good in that I got to sleep on more bed space than I've been used to. No alarm going off where all of a sudden talk radio people start laughing. No being kicked on the side by accident. No being walked over when she has to get up to pee. No getting into an argument over how late we are. No telling me I need to change lanes. Ah, life is good. More to come later. Happy twats all around.

Soon To Be Home

No, I'm still not home. I'm due back tonight, hopefully, because I miss my wee wittle doggie that is most likely sitting around in a mopey state that has to be seen to be believed. Yes, you will realize that dogs have feelings, feelings that need to be relieved in other people's yards.

Sad to see Barry Bonds glorified for hitting his 756th home run. In this day and age, a president can get elected under so much corruption where he still has people that think he's doing a 'heckuva job' so I shouldn't be surprised.

I'll do a real entry when I get home but I couldn't pass up on spreading the word. The movie, Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer, is so worth seeing! Amazing! You are basically taking a man bent on madness but somehow finding very little fault with. As much as I adore Alan Rickman, it was the lead actor and the final girl to be collected that got my attention. Both have looks that will not be forgotten. It even took me a little bit of thinking to realize that this killer's sole reason for doing what he does is to be loved for just those fleeting seconds he can get all because he has no smell of his own.

I know, I know. I will get back to people that have responded soon enough. My time spent here is basically all for Sara and the cat. Here and there, I smile when people hit me up on something. Some owe me emails (*wink wink*) for they get none back til then. Blame it on an ex-girlfriend that said I couldn't take the hint on why she never wrote back to me. Women, yes, women can really mess a guy up psychologically so get those tractors started up and toss those panties up in the air. I try to be original in my requests. I do try.

Things to ponder:

1). It's summer. Are you smelly?
2). Whom would be on your team to make the perfect baseball team?
3). Do people that go to Wal-Mart really dress that bad?
4). Is is perfectly legal to make your girlfriend give you a little more than 1/5th of the bed?
5). When the cat places her paw underneath the door while you are pooping, is it perfectly alright to give it something? Is a low-five necessary?

So, I'm outta here and on my way to reading the book, Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer, because the movie was so good. Will be home, hopefully, after I attend Sara's new gym that she's shy of going to see alone. Yes, this place has become a second home. Happy twats all around.

Think My Tractor's Sexy?

I am still alive. As usual, I've been put to heavy usage seeing as Sara cannot drive for 5 more months or even forever.

What I'm trying to do is come up with a set of clues for Sara as to what to get me for my birthday. Yes, it's exactly 1-month away! Whoo! That means there just might be loads of pictures in the mail of you girls wearing nothing while driving giant tractors. A boy can dream as you gals have it easy. Sara is confused as to what gift is appropriate for a boy that she's been sleeping with for 2 and a half years. Her explanation is that I have everything and anything I want I will just get soon enough. I really, really, want a Batman t-shirt that's grey with the yellow symbol on the chest.

Note: Sara and I lived dangerously last night. We switched places on the bed. I slept next to the alarm. Am I grumpy?

As for the comments on my hatred for CNN, I will certainly get into that when I am back in town. Too much to do as I await the time to pick up Sara from work, hide from the cat, and possibly read 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer.' Sara enjoyed 300 last night. So should you because we need to bring back half-naked Spartans to help seduce confused females. Happy twats all around.

Condom Sense And Sensibility

"Stick with the basics! Stick with the basics!"

-Varsity Blues

Dearest CNN, you suck. I remember a time, very long ago now, where you used to be a channel I found to be loyal in my need to know what is going on in the world. Sure, I was a little different than those other kids but that's what makes me special, I want to know. Whether it's bugs or scandals, I was someone that loved the news. Dan Rather seemed like a father to me.

Now, you are wasting time all while making me feel like you're a tabloid. Since when does the death of Anna Nicole Smith deserve to be covered all freakin' day!?! Britney chopped her hair off? We all go a little psycho (though I bet she just didn't want to be taken in for a drug test). Lindsay's on coke? Ya don't say!

Now, CNN, you've spent pretty much all day on a bridge collapse? Wow, I didn't know that this kind of thing warrants an all-day all-night reporting. It's a freakin' bridge, you fucks! This is not Hurricane Katrina or Iraq. Give it the usual 5-minute reporting and then move on to the next report. Or better yet......how's about those hot reporters that give me news that makes it feel like she's talking dirty to me. Whoo. Wonder what she's wearing underneath that desk. On a good day, I don't wear pants. Would she be as rebellious? I just never thought that 4 people dying thanks to a bridge collapse needs 24-hour coverage. Are we getting so sensitive that the light bulb going out is like a death in the family?

Ah, life. You can either agree with me or think I'm a fucking lunatic with too many opinions and not enough sausage. I'm all balls, I guess. There are too many people on this planet. Unfortunately, the dumb ones are getting too much airplay. Just witness Youtube.

Japanese porn. I've found a new love. Whenever one of my favorite websites puts up porn videos, I just cringe. I'm just not into Starbangers or the same old thing where 500 guys fuck 1 idiotic girl dying to be famous. That's where Japanese porn comes in. It's fresh and weird to the core because these people are not shy about showing their fetishes. Plus, I almost always want to shout "Godzilla!" everytime there is a large room full of Japanese guys. Mildly retarded, this boy is.

If it's not one guy having his cock consumed by 15 beautiful Asian girls on a public bus, it's the old biology class. Since when was homework as good as this: Japanese students are paired up to learn how to use condoms, pleasure their partners, and how to make a woman squirt. It doesn't seem like much work and even the teachers take part. If Mrs. Kane, one of my favorite nuns from private Catholic school, decided to get on her knees to show the class what foreskin is by using my cock as an example, someone's gonna get it whacked on her cheek.

I cannot begin to describe how funny and erotic Japanese porn is. Or how educational. For one thing, I have never seen a female condom inserted nor have I ever seen it used. Good grief, it's great to see the instructor give it a real go. My only issue is that the visual makes a girl look like a trash bag box.

Oh, gawd, the best part is when the class must participate in what they have just learned. Each guy is holding up the results in his condom for the 2 instructors to come by and inspect. Girls are smiling and massive amounts of pubic hair is pixelated out. The rules are that pussy holes and penises are to be censored. Good thing I have a love of assholes. I've seen hundreds of pussy holes so nice to see the good ol' brown-eye gets some love. Japanese porn rocks!

I'm damn-well worn out. This heat is killing me along with 5-Pound Phooey. The walks are longer but too much time is spent in the shade here and there. I'm gone for at least 45-minutes all in hopes that she's tired enough to not cause trouble in the house with her attitude issues. *Do you hear a violin?* T-shirts have to be changed often thanks to the large amount of sweat in various portions of them, like the back.

As you know, I'm leaving tomorrow for Indiana. Sara misses me and I am needed in bed. She probably gets why it's great to have a guy that's big in all areas as well as heart. Yeah, I may be able to handle Sara's clawing my back just as I do at seeing butterflies fly around me. There's gonna be very little time for being grumpy because I've got lots to show her. I do miss watching Picket Fences in bed with Sara. It's a rule in relationships that there must be 1 show you'll always associate to sleeping with him/her to. Happy twats all around.