Stinky Fits Of Pubes

"Our daughter's a lesbian! High-five!"

-Californication

It's a tired old try when it comes to TV shows. Stop me if you've heard the one about a burned out writer trying to make a comeback after his previous book sold millions. What irritates the hell out of me is that this writer is almost always so amazing at getting women into bed. Wouldn't you be miserable, make that too miserable, to even find any dose of sexuality when not being able to do what others say is your 'gift?'

Californication is the name of the TV show and, if you've been living in a small cave somewhere, it plays on Showtime. It's okay, seeing as there are a lot of naked women and the teenage daughter resembles an amusing Emily the Strange (visit Hot Topic for this character) whom keeps finding either naked women or dirty panties lying around her dad's apartment. Yes, this 'dad' is the burned out writer that somehow cannot help himself when women just throw themselves at him. Geez, I never got laid this much in college. It irritates me when a channel keeps bringing back the old burned out oversexed writer as someone to cheer for. Originality has done gone and died again.

Now, you might ask yourself why I bothered to watch Californication. It is okay here and there but the main reason was that I had to catch Showtime's Weeds Season 3 premiere. I'm happy to say they brought back the funny. Can't say much since someone else watches the show but a 12-year-old kid learning to drive the van is funny when you put the right song to it.

So, life? I'm not all TV but when you've spent a lot of time with people trying to get you to join their gym because they miss you, some moments are best to veg. Well, especially after the daily walk with a small dog with attitude. Today;'s count is this when it comes to who 5-Pound Phooey pissed off: 1 schnauzer, 3 cats, 1 small tan dog, and redeemed herself by having an unknown woman wish to come out of her house just to pet her. Cute dog and weird white boy go hand-in-hand.

Bored? Try taking your dog for a walk because I come across all sorts of life with 5-Pound Phooey. Yes, it's nice not being fearful of being assaulted or raped due to my size. Topless does have its benefits, no? My fascination with insects continues as I see cicadas and butterflies on a daily basis. I know cicadas may not be your cup of tea but these alien-like insects take me back to the days where I used to catch them. Butterflies only keep me hoping that beautiful things can survive in such an ugly world. It's possible that I was the only one that cheered when the monster truck mowed down those rednecks by accident. Who does those things in a parking lot anyway?

It's not easy to startle me but that's just what I did when I came across 2 large chicken hawks staring at me from a metal fence. Mind you, these birds were only 40-50 feet away. If 5-Pound Phooey hadn't stop to piss on some flowers, I would have just walked on by but my keen eye caught sight of them as I stood there. Interesting birds. You've probably seen them fly around during drives around backroads because that's their primary hunting ground. But upscale neighborhoods? Do squirrels taste better in white neighborhoods? It's even weirder when you think back to how I saw one sitting on a Honda parked in the driveway. I'd insist it shit on a Hummer as soon as possible and not a Honda.

Note: Yes, I realize I really, really need to bring along a digital camera.

I'm only slightly raunchy since spending time in 2 gyms kind of wore me the fuck out. People miss me after taking off to the new gym that opened up so they take me in hopes that this new one will get me to attend. I may look like I live in one but life happens outside of running to nowhere. Gotta give the new one credit. Each treadmill comes with a small flatscreen TV AND a DVD player so you can watch whatever movie you want while running to nowhere. Some people really do run for almost 2 hours.

What I've been trying to get at is my raunchy side starts to slither around when scent comes to mind. That book, 'Perfume: The Story Of A Murderer,' does this in a big way. Page after page reminds me of how I enjoy the smell of a woman and I do mean all. There's those portions of skin, like behind her ears and moments where it's been touched by the sun. You can't help but laugh when a couple is so honest to each other about their genitals but Sara and I do get on each other if our long day makes us stinky down there. Mmmm....but I still love pussy when it's just starting to wet itself no matter how hot the day has been when she's wearing jeans.

You'll see. When I finish 'Perfume....' is when I'll get into it all. It's a nice book that I'm close to finishing, seeing as I've also been busy with other things each day. Only been close to 4 days and I already miss Sara. Is that sad? In no way am I the clingy type but I'm as devoted as can be. Maybe I should write about how easy it is for a girl to get a guy to fall in love with her. It'll be called 'Just Be Yourself' and will consist of how to yell at him while he's driving to get him near the point that he wants to strangle her. There'll be an extra special paperback portion that will include how easy it will be for the both of them to sleep when she massages his balls at night. Happy twats all around.