I Make Butterflies Horny

"My name is Ultrarooster and I like porn where women don't have all their holes probed with silverware, football players that aren't afraid of being hit while wearing pads and thinking dogfighting is a sport, books when I don't have to stand in a line while a 10-year-old picks his nose to throw boogers at me, rootbeer that doesn't taste like bark, having a girlfriend that smiles while playing with my asshole, and sniffing Strawberry Shortcake's panties. That is me and I am proud of it."

-Me

Rainy days are the worst. My whole body feels like it aches from the beginning to the end because I still feel the effects of an SUV running me over and over while its obese habitants giggle as they drop McDonald's fries on me.

It's not easy feeling motivated during a job interview where the interviewers make people wait over 2 hours and some of the people being interviewed think wearing jean shorts is the best look to get hired. Really. A part of me wanted to glare at this 40something woman and ask her why she even bothers. Once I saw the lack of 4 or 5 teeth, I felt a little better while watching the rain fall. People that look like they love Nascar live in a whole other world that I just don't belong to where the most expensive meal is found at KFC.

Note to those that are opening a new business. Don't start things out by having people wait for a long amount of time to be interviewed. We came on time. We expect you to be on time as well. The fuck do you need 2 hours of preparation for!?!

And so you'd rather I go into something along the lines of HappyLand? I try to find a happy place when this constant rain makes my skin feel like ants are crawling up and down it. My dog mopes about missing out on all the yards she can't shit in or the lack of being able to piss off a dog or 2.

Sara did bring a small amount of happiness by emailing me from work. All is well......sorta. She does admit to having found something for my birthday (September 6th! Write that down! I like half-naked women on farm equipment that tell me I have macaroni and cheese to eat til I burst!) but seems to hint at something more to add. Getting the boy who has everything something is hard, especially when he bought her diamond earrings that cause a girl's eyes to sparkle. Oh, you should have seen the look on Sara's face when that small box was propped open. Plus, I'm pretty sure I ate Sara out.

I dunno. It's simple, really. What I really want is a Batman t-shirt (grey) with the Batman symbol in yellow on the chest. I've hinted and hinted to Sara about this. There's all sorts of things that would make me go nuts such as her getting me a few things that will bring out a little color in a pathetic dresser. Oh, I can pull off wearing the cargo shorts and button down like a mad devil but, for color, I need a girl's touch. Girls have always told me to wear blue, the same color as my eyes but it's gotta be just right. She's the one looking at me while I only look away from myself.

Ah, a perfect night would be spent with the Wheel Of Salad (go to the restaurant Mountain Jack's to see what I'm talking about) and help at finishing off a 6-pack of Miller Lite on the porch followed by a lengthy blowjob that only gets better with some hard doggy-style. Yes, sometimes I do act like a man even if I find myself debating comic books and admitting that I once sniffed Strawberry Shortcake's knickers.

What guy has not gotten a whiff of his girlfriend's unmentionables after she tosses them at him while stripping?

Since there are book lovers that read this pathetic excuse of a male suddenly finding out that he has a remarkable penis, I bring you the fact that I have again joined the juvenile reading list. It seems that those addicted to Harry Potter are now finding a new hero, a girl named Isabella. 'Twilight' is the name of the first book in a series written by Stephenie Meyers. New girl in small town just so happens to catch a boy's eye, only he's a cold hearted vampire that lusts for her blood. Yup, a really good feel-good novel that has me longing to be a girl on the verge of putting out for the school's palest only there will be no sex. Head, they all start out with giving head at that age and we don't know if vampires can get it up.

So far, 'Twilight's' okay here and there. It would be impossible for me to give any indication as to whether this 500 page book is any good since I'm still in the cafeteria portion where the girl has only just met the vampire, Edward. Who names a vampire that, anyway? Vlad, Dave, Dillon, or even Winkie is far better than 'Edward' because that name only conjures up old people to me.

Okay, I really missed hearing from Sara so I'm a bit fucking high as a kite thinking about her telling me how much she misses me. What can I say? I'm weird but worth every damn loony antic that comes out of me. Maybe I'll do my Top 10 Things I Love About Sex to show how much I love y'all. When I'm not my old cynical self, I tend to walk around with my little 5-Pound Phooey (5 cicadas today) and smile as butterflies and flies mate around him. Isn't it sexy when the insect kingdom gets it on like Marvin Gaye is playing in the background? Yes, there is romance when a woman bends over and moans as that man o' wonder shoves his purple-headed-yogurt-slinger in there. Happy twats all around.