Party Like A Tampon

"I enjoy a little realism in my TV shows. However, I draw the line when the director/editor of one does not realize that an actress has a very obvious tampon string hanging down. Now, you expect me to believe that he really, truly fucked her without her taking the time to take her tampon out? I'm more likely to expect Luke Skywalker to come up to me and ask me to join the Rebellion."

-Me

Ah, yes, I enjoy questioning things. While I believe things to be realistic in a sexually explicit TV show, I have to admit that the very obvious sign of a tampon string is a good thing. It's there and it happens to be something we guys must deal with no matter how much periods annoy us as well. If a lady's gotta deal with the 'morning wood' knocking at her buttock's door, he can put up with a morning where he's gotta deal with sexual urges himself. Trust me. There are times where I curse the gods when Sara has her period. It's only when there is that sinister smile on a girl while holding a bottle of lube and all is forgiven.

Hear all those cries? Men of all ages have been crying thanks to the revelation that Jessica Alba has herpes. As much as she annoys me with her thinking that she can act or that she will not disrobe on camera, Jessica sure is purty to look at. Just how many Hollywood stars have herpes? Wonder how many diseases Charlie Sheen has.

Sara was good to me this week. Not only did I get 3 or 4 days of actual sleep out of the 7 there without a middle-of-the-night moment where I ended up on the edge of the bed after being kicked but she helped solve my birthday dilemma: Should I get a Nintendo Wii or a mega-powerful digital camera?

I'm totally gonna get the Nintendo Wii because there is truth to those discussions on people losing 9 pounds a month playing the sports game. Sara and I played 3 doubles games of tennis and I ended up drenched in sweat. Most of the time, she was on the left as I swung, swang, smacked, and launched as many hits off my imaginary racket as I could. I'm not joking about how much fun it is to play the Wii as bowling is now second best. The tennis is hilarious while trying to dodge Sara's swings that tend to go all over the place while chasing an imaginary ball.

It's not the weight-loss that's driving me to a Wii. There is just pure fun to be had where you create a character that looks like you, play your heart out in the various sports activities (golf, baseball, bowling, tennis, etc.), and see yourself get better as time goes by. Be sure to have a floor for running around because tennis is mad crazy enough where you'll end up smacked onto the floor by your teammate. How many times did Sara hit me? Only once but there were at least 4 to 6 moments that came close as I ended up topless with sweat pouring down.

I'm kind of into Bravo's Top Chef thanks to Sara's mom. I'm not a cook or anything based on being an artist in the kitchen. What we have here is a show that finds people competing with various expertises in food, the gorgeous food found in stuffy restaurants and the flame-broiled cheeseburgers we all love. While Sara was downstairs finishing up Perfume: The Story Of a Murderer, I was upstairs eating ice cream with her mom and commenting on the contestants. Yes, cooking can be extremely competitive and brutal to some. Plus, the host, Padma, oozes sex appeal more than Heidi Klum ever did for that channel. I bet she doesn't shave completely down there and smells like the finest pussy perfume ever to exist underneath those skirts. I'm raunchy when I'm hungry.

What irritates me on CNN is its over-reporting on various subjects. Yes, the bridge collapsing was horrifying but do we need to hear about it all day and night? Life doesn't stop. Many news stories deserving of being mentioned happen all day. Back when the collapse happened, that's all there was on channels, interviewing people with the caption: "I thought I was going to die." No shit. I'd think that if thrown into Australian waters with a great white shark on Tuesday. Everyone knows they're grumpier on THAT day.

CNN thought that we absolutely had to hear about Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole Smith, and Lindsey Lohan whenever these idiotic fucks were in trouble or, in Anna's case, became a bloated dead whale. What I thought should have been done during the collapse is report on the news and come back in with updates here and there. A constant report that feels like hours and hours just doesn't do it. Sure, we're curious but there is life all over the planet that has no interest. Yes, I do wonder what is happening in France as Lucia accidently runs over the local produce market with a monster truck that somehow exported itself there. It's a fucking bridge that has now made us learn that a lot of other bridges are unsafe. It's not the number of deaths but reporting of other important things should not come to a halt.

Yes, I do care. I get concerned when hurricanes find their way to Florida. I hate knowing that more soldiers died in Iraq. I hate hearing about our shit-for-brains president doing his daily stupid antics. It's just that I want to know a lot rather than a little on the world.

So, I'm outta here as I prepare for more carnage tomorrow. 5-Pound Phooey was weighed tonight and found to be a whopping 12 pounds! These walks have put some major muscle on my lil' doggie. Must be some swagger behind her need to give the bigger dogs lip. 2 golden retrievers found her amusing and even playfully sniffed her after swimming in the nearby pond. I cannot imagine 5-Pound Phooey being sent to swim out to retrieve a ball. The fish would get her. Either that or a herd of turtles would be shouting 'Turtle Power!' as she pisses yet another species off with her mouth o' mayhem. Hmmm......let's get sexually explicit tomorrow since there is nothing like seeing a movie where the lead actress hands her panties to her boyfriend while sitting in a crowded cafe. Happy twats all around.