Fubar

"I caught myself in one of those dreaded moments: 'Am I a man or a woman?' thanks to the addiction that is VH1's Rock Of Love With Bret Michaels. Thankfully, Tango And Cash was on so there it is. I've still got that special place in my heart for Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russel where they help catch bad guys. Major fubar, right, Cash?"

-Me

So, there you have it. Cat's out of the bag. I'm a bit addicted to this VH1 show, Rock Of Love, and it shows. Jes and Mia are my favorite girls but why Jes thinks she should allow Bret into her heart all because he plays a very cringeworthy song is so sad. Yeah, you tell the morons (like me) about how all your boyfriends cheated on you but see a guy that is well-known for not being faithful as worthy? C'mon, Jes! Behind all that guy-liner and botox, Bret's looking pretty u-g-l-y.

This is coming from a Poison fan. Yes, I have belted out their "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" one too many times and will til I die. It's just that I find it hard to look at Bret's disaster-filled face that consists of what looks to be surgery and guy-liner. Makeup is fine but they dude's forehead doesn't even consist of one line.

It's a slow news day thanks to the bloody fucking heat that has enveloped my town. Whoo! Each bullet of sweat sent streaming down my back is an annoyance that makes me wonder what sort of insect has attached itself to me only to use me as a slip n' slide. Doesn't matter if I'm out there topless and causing housewives to swoon over my sweaty body. I'm drenched and look like I'm talking to myself when 5-Pound Phooey and I go for walks.

I'm all for being outside. I really, really do as I find myself happier after a walk or 2. Right now, I rarely see anyone out. Of course, there is the usual sports bra jogger with her tiny shorts that waves at me but even that's a rarity. Remembering those 2 golden retrievers that run into the pond makes me wish I could find a nice little puddle of water for 5-Pound Phooey to swim in. Yes, she is that small even if weighing in at 12 pounds is pretty impressive. She's like a woman with a boobjob, always wanting everyone to look at her and feel what she has.

Still made it to the gym. With very little people there, the extra bodyheat didn't ruin things like it does at night. Since there was a beautiful college girl in the teeniest shorts that gave her a constant wedgie that revealed teeny-tiny panties (She was in front of me so I have an excuse), our usual muscle obsessed gym workers just stared and stared at her. I hate it when those with too much testosterone are not getting laid. Oh, sure, they brag with the guys about how they banged a girl after the bars closed. Their big dreams overlap that after 13 beers, the right hand is named 'Suzy.'

But who can blame them? Going without sex is one of the awfullest of tragedies. It screws up your creative thinking because that's all you can think about, sex, sex, sex, and more sex. Without that adrenaline surging through your body from an amazing orgasm, the mind just isn't quite as creative or yourself thinking about more disgusting things than you thought you could. Remember Bald-O? All throughout college, I have to hear from him about how gross it is for a girl to stick her finger up a guy's butt. It was my drunken rambling where I admitted that Kristan once stuck her finger up my ass that brought this out. Yes, it was wonderful but now Bald-O has had these big dreams of wanting to stick his finger up a girl's arse.

It's very tight. That's all I have to say about that.

You know what? Last night, I got a small push towards writing about various sexual things. That 'push' came from a movie called Sex & Lucia, a foreign critically loved movie about a woman wondering what to do after a boyfriend's death. The relationship is cute. None of those stupid fights that seem to come up when a director has no idea what to do next. Nothing in regards to a weak girl needing a pathetic male to cling to. It's all about Lucia taking off in hopes of ridding herself of the sudden change in her life. It's sex that's silly fun where a girl likes a guy she met last week and playfully teases him by taking off her panties in a crowded cafe for him to sniff. It's where you have that fun moment of stripteasing that ends up in laughter. It's where you first see each other naked and there is nothing on your mind but playing with each other's bodyparts. In other words, it's saved by the fact that it's not an American movie. The weird part is that it kind of reminds me of Sara and I, no thoughts on marriage but the company we provide each other.

I'm bored and so this entry makes me feel like it's boring, too. I may have seen my friends, Tamalah and Old Nick, but they can only do so much from keeping me sane. You see, I keep thinking about Sara and her seizures for some reason. Yeah, they do worry me as I just try to think of her as a tough girl able to deal with what's presented to her. I guess that's what happens when a couple says the dreaded 'L' word at some point. Pushing 200 pounds above my head takes my worries away for about 2 to 3 seconds. Happy twats all around.