See Me After School

"When I was little, I, like, worshipped Halloween. And truthfully, part of me still does. 'Cause it's your one chance all year to be someone else."

-Angela in My So Called Life

So, where do I begin? I'm pretty damn sick right now with Sara's cold that slowly progressed up to last night. Nasty bugger! It's done one of the most impossible things ever, kept me from the gym tonight. Now, I went Monday and Tuesday but the coughing and sneezing got to be too much today that I allowed myself a Me Day of pumpkin bread and horror flicks.

Unfortunately, the horror flicks conked out early thanks to the satellite quitting around 6:30pm. Nothing like feeling your in a whole other world where Jack Nicholson talks to a ghost that chopped up his wife and 2 kids. Of course, some of you might recognize that as being The Shining. Good stuff and truly scary for the twin girls that little boy keeps coming across while riding his bicycle in the hotel's hallways.

There was a recent debate on the downfall of horror films. Nothing scares us anymore, apparently. Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, and so on are all minstrel shows these days. While I kind of agree, the first 3 Friday the 13ths were fucking scary, the first Nightmare On Elm Street was so original, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre became a nightmare for me. Then again, I was at a young age where I was forced to hide my viewings from parents that saw violence as more upsetting then sex. Yup, saw a lot of tits and bush but not much in the way of heads being blown off.

You could say the horror film is dying thanks to directors being out there for only money. Take an original thought? Fuck, no! The last scary movie I saw was The Descent and prior to this was Dog Soldiers. You'll notice that these 2 hold my fears, being in tight places like caves and werewolves. If they added clowns, I'm truly fucked.

As you can see, this is my big Halloween entry even though I am pretty sick. I'll try to type all that's on my hazy mind fueled by Robitussin medicine that makes my snot come out in truckloads. Is that what makes my pee streams so damn long? I get so tired from the peeing, coughing, and being up too late with snot that it's amazing I still want to work. The sweat that pours out at work helps rid me of the poisons.

Take your fears. Are they more aligned with that of terrorists coming here as Bush says? Or do you have a problem with clowns like me? Dog Soldiers took my fear of werewolves to a very obscene height. Take a small platoon of British soldiers that think they are on a practice run in the middle of the Scottish Hills. Have them find another platoon that's obviously been attacked. By what? Suddenly, things go bad, real bad. Something or some things are hunting them and not laying down after being hit by bullets. The nightfall tells these soldiers that the attackers are 8-feet tall and have a very good ability to attack in a formation more suitable than humans or even soldiers do. Plus, they're very fast.

Now, picture this. The surviving British soldiers have an idea as to what is attacking them only it's a bit late. Hours til the morning and ammo's low while the farmhouse is surrounded by a pack of what is now viewable as werewolves. See? The director took a great fear and made it so fucking out there. How do these guys get out? What's with the girl that suddenly appears to rescue the soldiers? Just how many werewolves are out there? Like British slang? How about a guy named "Spoon?" If your out of ammo and no weapons while a werewolf comes in, is it okay to just go all out with your fists?

You could take the movie, Aliens, and tack that on as scary. Only problem for me is that I've seen it over 50 times and know every line by heart. The Exorcist? Wow, now you're talking! Nice flick and it was only in college that I got a look at it thanks to a friend's insisting. The spiderwalk scene is fantastic and freaky but I love the line, "Your mother sucks dicks in hell" more. I say that to anyone that fucks me.

What people, especially directors, don't get is that fear is actually more about the unknown. Don't show us too much of the killer(s) and make him/her a fucking joke. Don't rely on stupid small scare tactics by having someone jump out of nowhere. Don't think that torture porn is supposed to be scary. I'm looking at you, Eli Roth and your Hostel 2. Loved the sickle scene where that girl's blood flows out while upside down but..........that's about it. Didn't like the spoiled characters and enjoyed seeing them off'd.

Wanna know what really scares me? Global warming is something that I have on my mind every now and then. Rape scenes make me want to look away from the screen. People that continue to talk about how proud they are on voting for George Bush. Our funding the war over figuring out a way to help pay for insurance is another. While I love seeing sexuality explored, I have a hard time with women's holes being stuffed with silverware. There's also midgets, oh, excuse me, "little people" scare me easily. I have a fear that they'll attack me and I will get knocked out thanks to wondering whether I should get on my knees and fight or just drop-kick 'em.

So, my day other than avoiding the gym? Just picked up the My So Called Life TV series set. Never before have I seen such a show critically praised like this, a very realistic view of high school. Sara loved it as did I so I'm going to surprise her this week by bringing it. At $70, that's nothing to spit at but it's so good. One of the biggest reasons is that I never got to see the whole 19 episodes but in pieces instead. Where oh where have you gone, great writers? People would rather be dumbed down with Deal Or No Deal than see something with passionate writing these days.

I'm outta here as I plan on this digital camera for Friday, prepare to overcome my laziness and post pictures, take more medicine that makes me put on a frowny face, and enjoy the sight of peeing so much. Put me in, coach. I'm ready to sleep. Tonight. Gotta be. Passed out. Happy twats all around.

Our Elvis Came Back Out

"The good news about having a cold is the fast metabolism. The bad news is that I have to enjoy the sight of myself pissing like a racehorse."

-Me

Jolly good day, sir? Like hell it was! I learned the terrible tragedy of allowing Walgreen's to develop my disposable digital camera, a $40 mistake. When I first saw the number on the register's screen prior to the sales tax, I thought there must be some kind of mistake. $40 for triples and a photo CD all in a nice glossy finish!?! Way back when, Meijer's used to do all that for close to $20. Times have changed.

Yeah, I should have my 'My Pictures' section up with new pictures within the next 2 days. Stay tuned for all that action packed romping with wolves that I talked about. There's me in my Michael Vick (a dog lover's horror story) Halloween costume with fake blood all over myself. Sara's wearing her Tank Girl outfit that might confuse some into thinking she is a ho with goggles. Don't say that to her, though. I got slapped for saying that. I must admit that the visit to the local Goodwill store to pick up all the right things for her was fun. $1.99 for a plastic axe made my day.

Liked my discussion on the visit to the Wolf Park? It's kind of hard to explain to people that don't care much about the animals we live with. I've got 4 Yorkshire Terriers. Sara's roommate has a white cat. Sara's friends have animals like the 2 turtles that had me fascinated on first meeting. Bald-O has a big ugly dog that tore apart my expensive A & F cargo shorts. In other words, animals are all around me no matter where I go.

Since it is highly likely that I will get a digital camera next week, the next visit to the wolf park will take place soon after with better pictures. My mind has been playing little visits over and over again with that amusing bunny chase where the wolves chased it into the herd of bison. If you've never seen an animal put the brakes on fast, you would have seen it then. 200 pounds does not fuck with something over 500 and likes apples.

As I said before, Halloween was celebrated early. This weekend, various people in the group got together. There was an Elvis, Sara was Tank Girl, I was Michael Vick, Eric was a Harry Potter Death Eater, Marty was something in the military, Eric's girlfriend was Scuba Sally (fish tank character), and so on. Some costumes were confusing to understand while the old traditionals such as vampires still made the rounds. The party we went to was one where nobody really knew anyone. Since it had Mormons, Sara kept telling me to watch my mouth.

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if my mind is still in college or what. There was a slight boredom in the air at the party. That was until I found out that the small garage was being used for dancing. My old hunches were right. A male that takes dancing by himself seriously is definitely gay. Sara has better gaydar so this had to be pointed out to me while 'Thriller' started playing and, yes, I did some Michael Jackson moves while holding a Miller Lite bottle.

What I mean by my wondering if I'm still in college is that the atmosphere within the party reeked of boring here and there. 2 girls showed up not wearing any costumes. The people hosting had nothing original. A jailer is just a guy in black/white pajamas to me. Money certainly is not an issue. Sara spent under $20 for hers while a store-bought one would cost at least $40 or more. Just because you have vampire fangs, does not make you an interesting vampire. Go all out.

Tyler Durden: "No matter how many feathers you put up your butt, you're still not a chicken."

Maybe Fight Club wisdom will help you get what I'm saying. The worst thing of all is the fat chicks that dress in slutty costumes. Sexy is not wearing something that is obviously too small. Lane Bryant is your lover so do not avoid it. Grasp it because no one wants to see enormous love handles and big sagging tits with cottage cheese thighs in a little green skirt because she thinks she makes a sexy wood nymph.

Oh, when Elvis went to the bathroom, we all stood at the door to wait for him to come out. We just wanted him to know that we're happy he made it back out alive, unlike the one that died while taking a shit. Don't you wish people would clap for you after you poop'd? Could the best part be when someone whispers those little words:

"I hear splashes!"

Well, I'm tired and in no mood to discuss the first time I saw Sara throw-up, eye booger issues thanks to cold weather, and spending each weekend in Target. You see, my butt has up, gone, and left me again because my new workout burned it off. Picture a completely naked girl in the bathroom squeezing tushie right before a shower. Aint no ghetto-bootie here. Just bend over and squeeze when you work out. That's the secret. Happy twats all around.

We'll Go Our Way

"Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects."

-My fortune cookie from this weekend

Definitely a sign of couplehood. When a group of people you are friends with decide to go to a show where you're just not into it as they are, the couple instead go off to have an adventure all to themselves. Welcome to growing up and traveling down the backroads in search of some wolves with Sara and I.

Yes, I am back and in all sorts of spirits. It's tough to explain since I've come home this morning from Indiana, gone to work, and then do the insane thing of going all out at the gym. Is it any wonder I am so tired once I get home? Trust me. I only love this when the weather is colder since it gives me more reason to enjoy sleep. Sara turned me into a night owl and I've only recently noticed the power it has.

But wolves? Yes, I got to see real fucking wolves because Sara and I wanted an adventure. You'd think that after almost 3 years together that we'd slow down and go bird watching? Shame. There's a part that is almost animalistic when it comes to Sara and I because we like the things that remind us to accept that there are alphas to help guide us. That and we just wanted to see some fucking wolves. Gorgeous animals that I did a 22-page paper about in my freshman year of college.

It's always been on our minds to visit a wolf park when I mentioned it upon reading a brochure about Indiana's places of interest. While I've had my moments of finding myself at places Abraham Lincoln walked in Illinois, there is something that fascinates me about wolves, sharks, bears, and kangaroos. You should have the feeling that I love animals, seeing as I have very little fear of them, especially large dogs. Yes, it was also an odd feeling knowing that the group went one way while Sara and I hit a route for a 12-mile drive. Not sure if anyone else would be as into wolves as we were but...........

Awesome! I'm in love with the place, the wolf park. There's a huge amount of land used to keep various wolves, 3 foxes, 2 coyotes, and a large amount of bison. There was no issue with me over paying $7 each for tickets because everything about that place shows a large amount of love for the wolves and what they do. Every wolf that's lived on this land has been kept track of and remembered since the 70's.

No, you don't get to hang out with the wolves, something I would have done if asked. Yes, I am that insane to just walk into a large contained area to hang out with things many people would mistakenly call 'very large dogs with a lot of hair.' It's just me. Someone once told me that my presence disarms people and animals so easily. Wolves may be a bit different and very dangerous when compared to other animals. It's just that a part of me still sees them as these gorgeous strong masses of fur. Respect, yo.

What was majorly cool was to see the bison's large land area. While the lady gave the usual information over a mic, wolves were being allowed into this area behind us. Not many knew. Hell, I didn't expect to see bison placed in the same area. You'd normally think that everything was coordinated off for each set of animals. Here's your koalas and next up is a tree with magical worms with nipples. Nope, here's a large amount of bison and *psst* you're gonna love watching the wolves stalk them, buddy.

Well, I knew a little more about what was going on thanks to a 22-page paper. While many in the audience thought that the bison were in deep shit, 500-pound masses of muscle and hair can hold their own against 2 wolves allowed in. That's just what they did. The biggest took point and watched the wolves run around (acting like nothing's going on) while the other ate the apples thrown from a truck. We were lucky because shortly after there was an incident to watch where the bison almost got into it with the wolves. A rabbit was found and chased. Lucky for the rabbit, it ran into the herd of bison just fast enough for the wolves to have to put on the brakes. You just don't mess with a big badass bison. Wolves took off upon realizing the error. Rabbit was seen giggling off into the great wide open.

What is just me being fascinated, I stood up and was shocked when I saw a definite attack formation from the wolves. I kept thinking that there is no way these 2 would go after a very healthy 500 pounds. Man, I'll admit to a small let-down to know it was just a rabbit nearby that got them started. You see these things on segments about carnivores like lions, tigers, and bear but real life? Wolves are amazing and very sneaky but friendly enough for the caretakers to just walk up to them with chains (no leashes that are too easy to break) after giving them enough fun in the chase. Wish I could do that.

So, this is me signing off now. I'm really, really tired after another long weekend. Sara and I seem to do a lot during each visit that I could swear to wanting just a nice time indoors. My body's done and needs to be baked, not cooked. Hell, I sound old and probably shouldn't talk like that since cold weather will be here soon. 2 to 3 more outdoor weekends should be plenty for these old bones.

As for the bringer of anticipation:

-There will be a lot of pictures soon (be patient and, yes, I am getting a very nice digital camera)
-A Halloween party where I shocked people with my outfit (pictures of this, yes, we shall show)

Stay tuned, folks. I'm back in town with a few days to kill. One sex session did come close to killing me, though. Where do I get the energy to keep up with her? Happy twats all around.

Tit Bloggers Suck

"You don't wanna know."

-Hostel 2 (What 1 guys says to his brother when asked how he's going to torture the American girl waiting for him)

I'm close to done with Hostel 2, seeing as it is my latest flick to help calm me down after work's wear and tear on my body. Some people might find it strange that a horror movie does this. Trust me. Anything that can bring out a small form of adrenaline in me is a good thing after the work I do.

Alas, Eli Roth, Hostel 2's director forgot the one rule of a horror flick. While you might be able to get away with it when it comes to books, horror has the one main rule that you must actually care about the character. Well, what's the fucking point if you don't care that a moronic college student backpacking gets caught up in a kidnap Americans only to sell them to rich folks in order for them to release all their sick sadistic pleasures? The only reasoning would be to see how characters are killed off. Bah. I want to feel the need to cheer as a victim escapes, not laugh as the stuck up bitch gets a bandsaw to the face.

Did you ever read about that rich woman that used to bathe in the blood of virgins? I forgot what her name was but Hostel 2 has a scene where I actually got a bit grossed out. A sickle was taken to the throat of a victim while she was upside down. Oh, man! The woman bathed in a tub as the blood poured down. Again, I didn't feel sorry for the girl getting cut. Eli Roth, you can't blame Hostel 2's poor ticket sales on online thieves.

So, I'm about to be off to Indiana but with a small issue in need of being taken care of. There is a Halloween party. It's only now that I am informed of so it's possible that I might put Michael Vick's football jersey to some use. I'll take this $65 piece of apparel and pour some fake blood on it, buy a few stuffed dogs, and voila! I'm Michael Vick, bitch! This just might have to be definite because all the good costumes will be gone and I'm feeling creative.

Plus, I want to get rid of Michael Vick's jersey. Those that think dog fighting is a sport have no place in my closet even if they've found Jeezus.

Note: Jeezus is a tricky bastard to catch, though. Sometimes, I see him hiding behind the broccoli when I'm out grocery shopping only to reappear in the men's room tapping his foot. He aint ready for this sexy well-toned jelly of a white boy.

Is it any wonder why I love my fellow blogger, Summer? Sends me love on days I feel like shit.

So, I hope y'all understand that I've had a very long day and wish to unwind some more with Hostel 2. Time spent in Indiana will also recharge my batteries towards this blog because the past few days feel like it's a chore. Work was really draining even when Deaf Guy waved at me before taking off for the evening. Plus, some really rough sex just might help me with my mind's need for more creativity. It's tit for tat. Lose a lot of bodily fluids but end up smarter as you shout at the devil for more. Happy twats all around.

Deaf Guy Wants Bigger

"I'm sure I made the deaf guy's day start out great. Here I was upstairs using sign language that told him I knew whose tits he was talking about. It's a boy thing, k?"

-Me

This weather, impressive to a small dog but too cold for people. 5-Pound Phooey, a large mop of hair loves to go for her walks even more now. No heat to cause her to have to rest. No hot sidewalks to make her scamper faster. Just pure walking the streets with a nice little beat playing on an imaginary iPod as she shakes her ass. I'm serious. 5-Pound Phooey shakes her ass during each step thanks to a booty that would make a black girl jealous.

So, I'm in the middle of deciding what to pack for Indiana. You knew it would be soon so don't get all up in my face about it. Some of you really enjoy reading my diary and seem to constantly check to see when I've updated. A boy has to visit his girl, sometime, yo.

While I have packing for Indiana down to a 't,' what I do not enjoy is the night's ride. It makes me feel frustrated due to thinking that I am about to arrive late. Indiana is an hour ahead so their nightfall is more obvious. While I'm at a hazy cloudy sky, they're just starting to walk the streets to head for the bars in the downtown area. Though, I could tell you that it's an easy drive, only boring when you just want to get there instead of singing to yourself when there's no stereo in the car.

Yes, I know I am pathetic at times.

Someone spent 10 hours in this blog. Wow! I think that is the record. My old blog had a very long time spent at around 7 hours. But 10 hours!?! Geez, what's so special about me? My sign language skills? The large muscles? My blue eyes? Yo, I've got no stereo in my car, man, and I sing along to imaginary Paula Abdul songs to pass the time on long drives.

Somehow, I got my hands on the Veronica Mars Season 3 box-set on DVD. If there is one show I'm sorry to see go, it's this blonde girl that takes no shit from a town bent on corruption all while having a private investigator for a dad. It's so unique in the family dynamic while being wittier than the usual critical snark at Hollywood. Missing a TV show will not end because Sci-Fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica is almost on its way out as well.

Ever heard of Priya Rai, a nude model? I'm not sure if I've got the name spelled correctly but she's a gorgeous Indian woman. It's only recently that I've heard of her being so praised. This is thanks to the hundreds of drooling males that place her pictures up in a forum that helps me keep up with knowing what naked women they love to see. Priya? Oh, wow! It's fascinating to me how the pussy is so much darker than white woman's when it comes to the comparison. Hell, I should be shocked at how a brown woman posed so explicitly since a guy with a taste for knowing all just hasn't seen it all yet. Just goes to show you why I have a special place for Suicide Girls. We need all skin colors since it's not all about big tits and blond hair much to the dismay of the deaf guy.

Yeah, I try to keep up with who's the hottest nude model when it comes to amateurs and pros. A few that I cam across look nice but I get a feel that they'll burn out. Guys get bored looking at the same type of gyno shot over and over again. No tease is worse as well. A girl's got to build things up slowly before revealing the pink parts. What's impressive is how much money she can make just by putting up a pay-site with the occasional nude photos. Can't blame 'em. Who'd want to slave away for 8-10 hours when all it takes is a computer and digital equipment.

But it's sad, too. You'd think that we can make a livable wage these days. While there are some dumbasses that can barely add and deserve to be as fucked as they are, far too many end up graduating college with a major loan to pay off. College is a business, not a way to live better. At least, that's the way it's become since the 90's or even a bit earlier.

So, I'm outta here. I know I'm late on this revelation that Harry Potter's Dumbledore is gay but I don't care. It's just that I love how people are so into a fictional character. Guess who has another moment where his gaydar didn't go off? I'm as shocked as the pictures of cats with captions 'What? Dumbledore's Gay!?!' Life goes on but a little differently for the 'Values Folks.' Happy twats all around.

Tits And Jealousy

"Boys are silly
Boys are fun.
Are you confused?
Well, I'm not done."

-Me

Ah, great day! This totally makes up for the shit I had to go through yesterday where I start off with waking up in pain thanks to muscles in my back. Busy, busy, me. A part of all this happiness is realizing that I have a special ability to make boys jealous. Would you like to read about my day? Good!

First of all, let's start with something that brings back past memories, Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut. Hopefully, you have seen this movie so I don't have to explain to you how fucking weird it is. My first time seeing it was in the theater during a late night showing since MR or I was off work in the evening. I'll never forget that night because it ended up me meeting him back at his house to find him standing there in front of his car dying to know my thoughts on the movie.

Eyes Wide Shut is a bit more than odd. For me, it was a lot of things that brought me to thinking that it was brilliant and full of questions that there was no point in answering. Does it question the power of fidelity? Are a husband and wife as powerful as they seem or as weak as they are behind closed doors? Just how the hell did Bill avoid enjoying himself at the orgy? When in roam of naked supermodels insisting on being fucked, there is nothing more pure than the smell of pussy in the room. Where can I get the lead orgy guy's red cloak? Eyes Wide Shut held even more power by having the orgy take place during some very eerie music. No Marilyn Manson but piano's few notes.

So, that's one thing I did. I had to have a copy of Eyes Wide Shut's new 2-disc version. This one is special because it's the unrated version only allowed in the foreign market. Apparently, the orgy scene was too explicit for American eyes so Stanley placed CGI people in front of the main action. Lots of gorgeous completely nude women but we just cannot allow ourselves to be corrupted by doggy style and 69'ing on a table. Man, it takes a very weird mind to come up with something like that, the style in making an orgy so beautifully needed. Normally, it's a bunch of drunk rednecks in the park with female meth addicts thinking the Jeezus on their toast told them to go fuck Herb.

Relax, it's just a movie. My day did not revolve around a fictional character played by Tom Cruise. Happiness comes in the form of getting to see man at his best. There is something about a deaf guy describe the most luscious of tits to you while you are working. Apparently, they've gotta be more than a handful for him while I still insist that anything more than a martini glass is not my kind of cup.

Obviously, I am still catching up with Deaf Guy at work. He's been there 10 years so there is all sorts of gossip and needless things to know. Who's got the best tits? Who walks around like she's permanently on the rag? Who's stuck-up? It's time for me to get the gossip on the girls that work further down from me. Why not? They do the same damn thing when it comes to us guys only not the guys that work there as much. Most just aren't pretty.

What I love is how a guy bases his whole liking a girl on the size of her tits. Oh, jeez, that makes her super cool, huh? Deaf Guy gets surprised when I tell him that's not quite my criteria. If you wish to know, it comes in her personality, thinking ability, inner toughness, eyes, ass, and tummy. Tiny tits are, like, so awesome because those girls are always so forgotten about it's mean. A must is for a girl to be able to feel comfortable with yelling at me when I've gosh darn gone out and done something stupid. 2 girls have been doing that for me for over 5 years:

1). Sara
2). Samantha

Another reason for having a good day is that I made 3 guys jealous, 3 older guys. In case you have never read my older blog, I have a knack at being able to talk to just about anyone. Just have a personality and be able to keep up with my need to act mildly retarded and we'll get along just fine. You see, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life works out in my gym on occasion after working for the local news center. Green eyes and a spectacular body will get you more attention than you wish for. Just ask this girl how many time she gets hit on.

I'm friendly and have talked in the past to this girl that makes guys' (all of them) heads turn. It's when my friend, Pat, watched as she paused during her sit-ups to chat that things got amusing. She got completely relaxed as we discussed the other newscrews' hairstyles, the good and the bad. As soon as we were done, 3 guys come up to me to ask about this girl and her name. Poop. Like I'd give out the deets when they could just walk up themselves?

It's fun to watch guys be so shy of women. The more beautiful one is, the more likely he will think she's taken. That's fine and understandable because, from what I've seen, it's true. What always gets me is how someone can bench-press 300 pounds but be made to feel as strong as a newborn lamb all because he has to talk to a girl. Asking her out has to be one of the hardest things ever. Unfortunately, a good trick is rarely thought of.

Become her friend first. Do you know how many girlfriends I've had were merely goofy pals I made in the gym or living in the area? Sara says my personality is addictive once I'm opened up while my ex, Jen, says I'm a handful all while seducing you slowly. Just going up to a girl and asking for her phone number is kind of creepy in my book. So is unzipping your hoodie slowly and then licking your fingers before placing them on the nipples. Most girls I know just want someone they can feel comfy around. Sara makes teradactyl noises in the bedroom. Does that give you an idea as to how the two of us got seduced on the first night we met?

FYI: Sara and I have a total disagreement as to whom seduced who first. I say it was her slightly naughty messages while she thinks it was I with inability to censor myself. The fight rages on.

So, I'm outta here as my fun in watching males fall over themselves over beauty rages on. How many times do I have to go through this, where guys get jealous of a girl I talk to? For your information, she is nice and I have no interest in her. I came right out and told her about Sara. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of this story if I go see her this weekend. Happy twats all around.

Love You All, Goodnight

"Canned beer makes me burp
So I drink from a bottle.
I'm a beer baby."

-Beer haiku (found on Dailybeerhaiku)

So, ever had a day where you woke up with the feeling you should stay in bed. Nothing's gonna go your way so it's best to avoid facing life's awful reality. I get it in me bones. Actually, that's not true. I get this feeling in my back muscles, all 2oo or so of them where they ache to be placed back down onto the bed's warm embrace. Never mind the small amount of sweat from night dreams where I have actually run away from a donut (or 2). It is far better to conquer that donut and tell it who's boss by eating the bastard. Homer Simpson I aint.

Yeah, it's been said that old people feel a change in the weather by the feeling they get in the knees. No offense to old people. Just don't get in my way while driving and we'll be just fine. For me, it's my back muscles that tell a day's worth of what I'm about to encounter. Ugh, all that pain coming out right when I woke up. Hated it.

This would be the first time I have ever been late for work. Ever. Remember when I stated about the new time for starting? Well, they switched back to the old. I walk up the stairs 15 minutes late and not one hint in my head that I was expected earlier. It's embarrassing to me because I'm one of those people that believe in being punctual. You inspect your eyes. I watch the clock like a hawk.

High security and it shows. As soon as I walk in, one of the managers comes right up to me and orders me to begin. Never mind the fact that I am pretty much in shock. Pish tosh! Off I go all while wondering just what the fuck is going on. It may be nice to have various areas to myself but it would also be nice to have someone to talk to in which to calm me a bit down. Told you I get embarrassed.

Yeah, so that gives you an idea about my rainy, no-good, very bad day. Should have stayed in bed. But then again, I wouldn't have gotten to enjoy the fun mock chew-out by the deaf guy. It's so much fun to make someone's work better all by showing up. Even better is when he can laugh over my confusion as to when work starts by signing weird words that no one knows what he is saying. Okay, so there are times I giggle like a schoolgirl........high-five to me.

What does weird me out is how I am constantly looked at by this one girl I know likes me. Every time she is in my section, there is this feeling of being looked at. Why not? I'm in some very awkward positions where my ass is up in the air. She could be wishing for the chance to spank me or lick my balls from below. Who knows. A girl can have the most filthy imagination that I have yet to match. Don't believe me? Try Sara. She's the only one to make me blush with what comes out of her mouth.

Now, I don't want to give you the idea that I am complaining. Just the opposite. If this girl does like me, maybe I make her day at work better as well. I remember when I came across a few girls in my past that made the most boring things much better. You know me and my passion for scents. Just the right slight hint of perfume can do wonders. Hell, even a small dab of Strawberry Shortcake's naughty panties make me more furious than the average horny rogue lion. If my ass is getting scanned and fawned over, so be it. We're all human but I'd like to think that it's my goofiness. The only problem is that that has not come out yet. The girl is too shy to talk to me.

Oh, I'd like to add that I flexed my biceps for the deaf guy. Don't you just love it when the most hetero guy mocks being homosexual? Sometimes, I jump up and down while clapping my hands, too.

Shit days equal no walkies for 5-Pound Phooey. Like a spoiled child, she has taken it upon herself to ignore me tonight. Gotta love 12 pounds of guilt to add to the hours of rain pounding on the roof.

So, there you have it. I'd like to add something, though. The Suicide Girls may not be your cup of tea, Samantha. I'm fine with that but I've noticed how various magazines avoid allowing certain girls to pose for them, namely brown girls and those with tattoos. 'Playboy' has become so boring that I pretty much go giddy only for the articles. At least, one form of entertainment can find it within their hearts to see that there are alternative weirdos found attractive to geeky guys like me. I'm very rarely attracted to black women but I loves me some brown with pierced noses and attitude. Playboy is on its way out like the dinosaur it is. Sad because I used to love that magazine. Happy twats all around.

This One's For Geeks

"You create the stage. The audience is waiting."

-An old fortune cookie's fortune

Why I kept that I will never know. I was doing a small bit of cleaning up in my room thanks to being a bit of a neat freak and various pieces of paper were aligned around my bookshelf. This is not clutter to me but I wonder why I keep certain things. Hell, I found Summer's address and Sammy's latest birthday card along with batteries that were good til 2002. I'm neat but not always up-to-date, huh?

Of course, I found my way to the gym after 2 days of being away. It felt good to be refreshed as I, once again, found joy in the smell of iron and various people's sweat on this warm day. Doing things over and over, I can get a feel that I'm losing my mind and needing to take it easy on myself.

That's where the bedding comes in. Yes, I embraced my girly side and stalked the aisles of Target. Well, I had a smaller amount of fear all because I did this with Sara's mom at Target. Getting me unafraid to walk in Bed Bath & Beyond is a whole other topic, though. While I'm not exactly a Target shopper (Horrible parking because too many fucking people go there ev-uh-ry fucking day), I do remember the days of yore where I found old G.I.Joe comics to keep myself happy. Besides, the whole store is so neutral that it can welcome in even the most notorious masculine male willing to admit he has a need to wear women's panties on certain days of the week because comfort is an issue and the girls at Victoria's Secret tend to giggle at his tastes.

What I'm trying to say before getting side-tracked is that the purpose of really nice bedding is to get me to relax for once in my life. I'm all over the fucking place that I don't feel I have enough to time to watch any of my DVD's or sit through a whole one without pausing it for later. Give me soft cushiony feelings that make me want to rest my butt instead of the pull of haunting the bookstores. Plus, I'm sleeping nude, seeing as Sara's got me addicted to it. Best way to not cause morning wood's ache. Ever.

I did see a movie, Rise. It begged to ask the question as to why geeky guys love goth girls. Actually, it was a question that a reporter (now vampire) couldn't understand when he tells how he needs to attend an orgy where goth girls will be in a secluded farmhouse. Definitely sounds good. But why?

Goth girls have 1 major advantage over the usual blonde bimbo shit that annoys me. They seem to be fun, the ones that aren't so mopey looking, though. Take the Suicide Girls and their little quips on life and you get the idea. I just love the idea of waking up in the morning to find my girlfriend sitting on the floor in front of the plasma with a big bowl of cereal watching old Scooby Doo cartoons. Of course, a part of the sexual perversion side would be that she's wearing tiny panties and knee-highs as her sole form of clothing.

What you may or may not get is that some guys don't care about designer clothes or getting drunk in bars. These guys tend to find fun in childhood pasts like me. Okay, yes, I did get drunk in bars thanks to life during college and even managed to have a lot of sex but I'm a total geek inside. A girl that isn't afraid to show me her music tastes (Sara has Otep) that I'd never hear of if I wasn't with her is someone I like. Just dance around the room. Me, I'm not sure if my need to do naked cartwheels to Paula Abdul will find me with an actual female in the room.

Since I have no idea where my old Suicide Girls hardcover went, I got a new one today. Yeah, a part of me has been thinking about this all day, nude girls that just so happen to have a lot of wacky quirks like me. I may not debate the old Batman versus Superman issue but I certainly love it when a multi-colored hair girl talks about Spiderman. Or problems with DC Comics. Can she hum the Inspector Gadget theme while doing a slow strip tease that hints at the fact she is not wearing panties underneath the plaid kilt adorned with a belt just begging to tie me up?

C'mon, you know it by heart, too. The Inspector Gadget theme goes something like this.....do-do-do-do-do-doooo *whispers* Inspector Gadget Do-do.........Go, Gadget, go!

To be honest, I am now horny as all get out. Damn, I hate it when I reveal my weird naughty feelings only to find myself with images of Sara's face as she knows I'm gonna have to bend her over something and fuck her from behind. Drives me nuts how much I now have a real joy with doggy style. Remember when cowgirl was my favorite? Doggy style really hits both our spots as I pull her hair to keep a better form of balance. How many of you lovely gals enjoy it when a guy comes down to bite you as he fucks you silly?

Okay, I really need to get out of here. I'm sure I'll have weird dreams of girls with some tattoos eating all my Frankenberries or Booberries cereal while singing along to the Smurfs' theme music. They just don't make 'em like they used to because kids today are more into Hanna Montana. Life's lessons are best learned from little blue people. Happy twats all around.

Trying To Sleep

"Minorities don't become elderly the way white people do. They die first."

-Bush's voting-rights chief

Do you find that statement racist? I've been racking my brain over this all day because I'm not quite sure if it is. Obama does and has called for the guy to be fired. If you don't get it, what this statement is saying is that black people don't get old. They just kill each other. That does bother me to say that.

Oh, and to all the Georgians that I know........all 5 of you, I hope things get better when it comes to water. Man, that is scary to think that there is nothing for backup in regards to water after all the drought conditions this year. I was just reading how the climate changes are going to go into effect even more as Miami and Las Vegas will be hit majorly hard soon. To think that all those models in Miami's South Beach will have to find other places to parade around with water bottles is so heartbreaking.

As if you didn't already know, it pissed me off to find that Americans' paychecks, those that live on paycheck to paycheck, find that they last only 2 days on average. It used to be 4 days in Bush's America but I'm not going to go there because that's a lot of complicated economy talk that is hard for people to understand these days. Over here in Illinois, our food banks are running out very fast. This gets to me because one of my classes had to do with one in a small town. When we went there, it was full and hundreds of people left with everything they needed. Now? This place is begging. I really, really hate this world run by idiots bent on destroying Iraq and profiting off of it all while telling us that we don't have enough money for sick kids' insurance.

I'm just not in the mood to go deep into my usual rant towards the Bush Administration. What I would say has already been said thousands of times before on my old blog. Just know that I have an extreme distaste towards a guy that allows his cronies to prosper all while calling himself a Christian. I'm not a religious guy but I know for a fact that I would listen to what the world needs rather than try to chart my way into destroying the world at a fast pace.

Enough with the news that got to me today. It's depressing, I know. It feels that way each time a Republican is in charge. Remember when Clinton was in charge? Good times! The guy was charming, had a sense of humor, and it wasn't as much the rich getting richer while the poor got poorer. No, the man was getting secret bad boy blowjobs that made him a jolly good fellow even if he had to go home to a woman that looked like she'd steal trick-or-treaters' candy seconds after the doorbell had been wrung.

You wanna know what I did today? I did yard work. Don't shrug your shoulders at me. The weather was so perfect for being outside. With a slight wind, I didn't mind cutting up bushes that had overgrown. My mum was outside getting no help from the 2 males in this house that believe in the TV gods. Out I go to chop and show off the new found strength from work.

Oh, I've noticed it today! I'm stronger thanks to work's painful workout. When I was in the gym on Thursday, I was able to go a little bit further with my biceps. Wednesday had me surprised that I'm doing more in military presses (seated, you hoist the weight above your head) as I got up to 255 pounds on the machine. When I took a short look at my back tonight, I could see how ripped it has gotten as each muscle is so easily viewable. It may look as if I'm saying this is the greatest thing in the world but it does come at a cost. Soaking in the bathtub is a must every night. Just me, US Weekly, and bubbles. No, I don't make my own bubbles.

Nesting is going on as well. I'm looking high and low for a good bedding system. No, I'm not talking about how to take my girlfriend into some majorly heated passion and fuck her senseless. I already know how to do that. What I'm talking about is finding a new bedspread, sheets (700 count is minimum), and pillows. It may sound like I'm going girly but there are 2 reasons why:

1). I love Sara's bed after her mum bought this nice Ralph Lauren set of sheets and spread. When it gets cold at night (and you know how I sleep next to the window since sleeping with me is like waking up with a sauna), it's amazing to be underneath all this. My skin loves the sheets and makes sex even better because I know I get to curl up ready for sleep in them.

2). Work has me needing sleep so bad. Walking around a high security facility has me needing rest to be ready for the next day. My current set of sheets just don't go it for me after being spoiled with Sara's bed. It's no wonder I fall asleep so fast after dropping her off at work on Saturday mornings.

So, I'm asking for advice. Bed Bath & Beyond? Is this the best place for the ultimate in bedding supplies? Macy's? Anyone slept in something like a designer's bedspread or sheets? Target seemed okay with a few things that had 400 to 700-thread count. I'm wanting to go all out in helping myself sleep better at night. Don't worry. The current furry little girl named 5-Pound Phooey that I sleep with each day doesn't make as much of a fuss as I do. She's too busy arguing with me that I will get pounced on if she doesn't get a snack.

I'm outta here as I find myself wondering about bedding, deciding on when to develop the Feast pictures for you to see, and that digital camera to get. Lots of exciting times will be coming up for those that still enjoy this blog of weirdness. Sammy was shocked that males might read this thing. Rightly so. While I'm surprised anyone wants to, it's interesting that a lot of you girls have devoted so much time to reading this. Are there any secrets to having a dick? What do men really think about pussy? Do tits matter or is it just a myth? Do boys always smell or is it just that they love their asses so much? I hope some of these things have been answered for you. Happy twats all around.

I Value My Time And Balls

"You know what? If I were to ever believe in religion, which I don't, I'd say to all that wished to hear my views that Jeezus hung out with homosexuals, talked to prostitutes, and got stoned with black people. All in all, he had a big day after work. Why these 'values people' think that torture is right, bring about the largest amount of divorces, and bitch about homosexuality as the worst sin is beyond me. Relax. It's just your asshole that's gonna get a little sore while singing 'Dixie' during one of your fun times in the hotel while the wife's sound asleep."

-Me

Well, I hope y'all are having a nice Friday night after work or are just coming home from slushing through 8 to 9 hours. It's good to be home, right? So, why am I unsettled? I've always found Friday nights to be one where you go out to eat with a girlfriend, walk home, and fuck to burn some of the calories off. Tonight, I had a little dog growl at me that I must take her for a walk or I'll get a pile of shit in my sneakers. 1 out of 3 aint bad.

But really. Friday nights are hard. I like people and all that but it's the one night I know I don't have to bother getting up early and no appointments. Watch a flick after a long dinner where the food isn't greasy. Curl up in a ball underneath the throw and enjoy the warmth of his/her body. I don't get that because Sara and I can get a little too poop'd to visit each other.

While I enjoy work in some ways, it leaves me with a lot of adjusting the joints thanks to soreness. Love pain? Well, I get it but it takes time for me to soothe it out. A walk and then a long hot bath while reading US Weekly helped get some of those kinks out until I start to worry about Reece Witherspoon's run in with Jake Gyllenhaal at a movie premiere. Can't ex's ever get along? Will Matthew McHaugney ever put a shirt on? Vanessa's nude pics scandal can really hurt our children?

What I'm getting at is that I think relationships, the really good ones, are the ones where you can come home and tell your lover anything and everything. Each thing that no one understands tends to turn into giggles where everyone else looks at the two of you strangely. You can get some of that from a best friend but it's not quite the same when the person you sleep next to knows how bad your farts are upon deep slumber. Ask a boy. Ask any boy and they'll tell you that hearing his girlfriend loudly trumpet with her ass makes for a very major bonding experience.

Work was okay. I just wish they wouldn't waste 8 minutes on some kind of small pep rally for people that sold their bodies all for a piece of paper. While it is nice to know that a company makes it known that there is value in those that kill themselves so that an extra $1,000 happens, we weren't even allowed to clock in until AFTER the rally. It always weirds me out how so few people realize that their time should be seen as valuable as well. I come to work on time. I enjoy doing what I do and I do it well. I expect some consideration and to be paid on time. Don't you?

The best way to blow off steam is to use sign language, I guess. Since it's rare that I get a chance to talk to the deaf guy, I used it well by coming up and saying hi. People were surprised that I just ended up using sign language. Of course, I normally talk but there is something about putting old skills to use and, yes, once again, deaf people are so happy to find new people they can talk to.

I found out that the deaf guy has been teaching the girls some sign language. Why not? He has to work with them and some might even have to talk to him. I'm sure the dirty words are well-known but things go past that eventually. However, there are rules when it comes to this type of thing. Don't stare at deaf people signing. It's rude and like you are listening in on a private conversation. Introduce yourself if you wish to watch. Say "Hi, my name is....." by using a salute and then "my" and finger-spelling your name (learn the deaf alphabet for this). It's actually a lot of fun.

And, yes, sign language can be used for ill uses. Sara and I sometimes talks in this form when we don't want people close to us knowing what we are saying. The best example is when we went out to IHOP and got heated about the teenagers being shits to the waitress, a very nice waitress. Loved it when one of the teens caught on, gave me a dirty look, saw my thick veiny forearms, and thought twice about saying anything. It's no wonder Sara says she feels safe with me.

There's not much else to say. I'd love to get into Joe Francis's legal problems since VH1 devoted a whole half-hour to the king of Girls Gone Wild. Why this warrants big news I don't know but it's fun to see the wicked get a good spanking. It does amaze me how far things have come when it comes to women exposing themselves on video and the 'Net. I'm all for the usual tittie and vag shots but things have gone so much further that I don't think softcore will ever exist anymore. Is this good? Bad? Do you need another spanking because you just showed your tits again? Happy twats all around.

Never Mind the Shears, Dear

"The best example of that are the events in Iraq-a small country that can hardly defend itself and which possesses huge oil reserves. And we see what's going on there. They've learned to shoot there but they are not managing to bring order."

-President Vladimir Putin

It's amusing to me that the Soviet president, a man labeled as evil by the U.S., sees no logic in our president's need to be in Iraq. I mean, even evil people have souls, ya know? Why is it someone that considers himself a 'passionate conservative' rallies us about invading another country only to fuck it all up by not thinking. Instead, Bush said he prayed. When one visits another country, that person should read up on its history or at least get an idea about how things are dealt with there. Praying is for the feeble-minded with a crutch for religion.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I must say that falling down the stairs is just plain awesome! You get hurt. You get hurt real bad by hitting various bones against the stair's railing. Weird how the most pain comes from my left wrist that I tried to stop my fall with by sliding against the wall. It almost looks like I tried to commit suicide because the cuts are identical to the correct way. It's not side-to-side but straight down with a knife, in case you want to know.

I got a pleasant surprise from the deaf guy at work. He came to visit me. Seeing as I am 1 of only 2 people that can speak sign language, it's nice to use it and to talk with it since no one knows what the fuck we are saying. Don't fret for I never say bad shit since I speak while signing. Bad habit but it's not nice to keep others in the dark.

But I like the deaf guy. Easy to talk to and I enjoy having him know that he has 2 people he can speak with. A person can get pretty bored talking to the same person over and over again. That's what marriage is for but to have very few people understand you is hell. I'm picking up on small gossip since this guy has been working there for 10 years. Who's a good boss? Which one is an asshole? Is it really horrible to work with the girls? The deaf guy says so since they talk/chatter way too much.

In case you want to know: 1 blonde looks at me a lot. 1 brunette keeps tabs on me. A goth girl pays a lot of attention to me since I seem to run into her a lot on my way to work. It's kind of weird to be separated, boys and girls. Wonder what they chatter about anyway.......cute boys with muscles?

No, I don't come in to work wearing a hoodie and nothing underneath while complaining it's hot so I unzip it further and further each hour. I'm the guy that has cuts and a goofy grin when I'm hanging with the black dudes that tell me how amazing my arms are even if I fell down the stairs and now look like I attempted suicide.

Richard brought back Caligula for me. Already? Damn, at over 2 hours, I thought I'd get it back in 2 or 3 days but he watched the damn filthy movie that fast. It could be because he's single and needs some sort of erotic fix where lots and lots of massive female bushes are on display along with an orgy where women guzzle cum. Not really. According to Richard, Caligula was disgusting but worth a look. Got that right. Loved the look on his face when he talked about the torture scene where a spy got his dick cut off and thrown to the dogs. It was 1977 and Bob Guccione was ahead of his time.

Only 5 or 6 games in and I'm sick of football. It's all the guys talk about in my gym. I love the game but it easily tickles my head that so many of them talk like they know everything but never really played. It's always the ex-athletes. You know them. They're balding and fat with sensitive egos when their wives don't cook something special for them. Hopefully, I will never end up like that. I have a lot of hair and am too vain to let myself go so no worries, right?

Ever seen Hard Candy? It's a movie that came out on DVD last year that's pretty hard to forget about. It was on Showtime when I came home from the gym, now my favorite channel where anything goes. The whole story is basically how a pedophile tries to seduce a young girl only to find himself tied to a chair and soon castrated. The tables are turned and the predator becomes the prey to a clever 14-year-old. Which do you identify with, the girl that basically kills this guy or the pedophile forced to be humiliated and killed? Hard Candy is pretty intense for us guys when it comes to the castration scene because our balls are pretty much our lives. I'll admit that there are times where I wish they would go away because having large ones mean they occasionally stick to the thighs or produce more poison than I wish to. By 'poison,' I mean semen.

I love the types of movies where there is no simple answer. Take Donnie Darko. To this day, no one can figure out what the fuck that magnificent movie was about. Was Donnie a superhero? Was he caught in a timewarp? Hard Candy had me absolutely siding with the young girl that castrated the guy. I don't care what you say. The man raped and possibly killed a young girl so he deserves to be put through hell. My ex-girlfriend was raped by her dad so get a good look at what a girl's mind goes through after that. Rapists and child molesters should all have their dicks/balls cut off and fed to them. Or put in the garbage disposal.

As for this weekend, I don't think I'm heading off to Indiana. Haven't heard anything about a visit because I'm too tired/worn out from last weekend. My whole plan is to tackle my closet again. Yes, again. It'll take a year for me to finally get rid of all that is piling up. Socks, undies, clothes, and the occasional erotic photography collection can really get to be too much. Happy twats all around.

Slap Me, Not Stab Me

"Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is law. Whenever you have to absolutely get someplace as fast as you can, someone will block you by getting in front of you at a speed that will slow you down considerably. Think about this. Say, for instance, you need to poop so bad that the sight of someone going 20mph in front of you has made you worried you will not get home in time. That was my day and I now hate old people that pause at every street crossing even if there is no stop sign.

Ah, but I am feeling old again. By this time, I'm worn down from work's issues and dealings each day. The bruises pile up and my feet make me wonder if I will ever walk without pain again. I may have mentioned in the past that there are times I feel as if I deserve all this for some payment as to whatever I owe life.

Pain does make me feel alive. There is that small issue I have where it is enjoyable to feel a girlfriend's hand directly smacking my ass whatever chance she gets to distract me. Be it, coming up with a clever annoying quote or making her lose her concentration, a girl has to let her boyfriend know that its time to pay the piper.

There really isn't much to say. I'm too tired to deal with all that I've read on George Bush's stupid remarks toward Congress. You'd swear I am turning over a new leaf because I'm not even touching Bill Cosby's visit to Oprah today. I know, I know. It was on at some point and I got curious when Cosby had things to say about how pathetic black people are when it comes to rearing their children or putting anything positive into their lives. Wish he'd come here because the latest criminal issues keep happening in the black neighborhoods where *gasps* another black person shot his gun off and nailed 3 people. You'd almost swear that this is a violent minority.

Yes, it is funny what working hard in Bush's making the middle class slaves to pay their ways can make them too tired to know what is really going on these days. The housing crisis!?! More foreclosures than ever? Is it because of so much debt or are people really trying to live like MTV's Cribs? Yo, I got to have a 12-person shower because Floyd Merrywheather made it seem cool.

As for me, I've done the work thing and somehow found myself in the gym hoisting a little more weight in the shoulder area. Am I getting stronger or am I just enjoying the fact that my body is rested on this piece of equipment where my dick just so happens to enjoy gravity's pull as nothing is there to press against it?

Richard, on the other hand, was there. About time! That fat fuck was hardly recognizable due to shaving off his goatee. The smile and sudden need to dance to older music that actually had a kick to it made himself well-known enough. If you are 50something years of age and listen to Zeppelin, The Clash, Sting, Van Halen, The Police, Journey, Clapton, Gabriel, you are a golden god, my friend. Don't ever let hemeroids and hurting knees bring you down as you shake your cellulite ass to 'Jump.'

But of course, knowing me brings special treats for people that look like I feel. Richard was curious about my DVD, Caligula, seeing as I told him it is one of the most disgusting films ever made about a man gone mad. In true Roman fashion, there were orgies and even the old fashioned sex. But why? When you're allowed to rule with no one to stop you but a possible murder, things tend to get a little bit weird enough to marry a horse.

Richard is single so anything kinky is up his alley. I sold him Caligula when I mentioned that there is female urination. Watching women pee! High-five! An orgy where massive dicks are sucked and cum drips out of the girls' mouths. Whoo! A fisting to test for virginity prior to a wedding and the girl lays on her side with blood oozing out. So hot! Lesbians eating each other out. Thank you, Bob Guccione! Various males circled around a chalice jerking off so that the woman can be rubbed with semen or drink. Has Larry Flynt heard about this!?!

I don't know. The people I had talked into watching Caligula were so stunned that I wonder if it was because of a lack of sex in their lives, understanding that some are kinky, or that the film is just gross. It's truly like a car wreck where you cannot look away. Mind you, this is a very large car wreck where a train flattened thousands of people as a midget received a blowjob from a woman that just finished with a massive dick in her mouth.

What I found unforgettable was the torture scene. I'm always curious about the body's limits to the abilities given to us. In this particular instance, a guard is suddenly accused of spying. He is then stripped, has his dick tied with a thin rope, forced to drink wine non-stop, and then cut open on the side. Ugh, it was icky but gets worse. The dying guard has his dick cut off and thrown to the dogs to be eaten. I'm not sure why 2 women come out of nowhere to piss on him but I guess at a time of no t.p. you need someone to hold your pussy lips open for a clean stream.

So, I bid you adieu as I live through another day of visiting the comic shop, work, and the gym. How I do these things without much rest, I do not know. What I do like is Sara's gym because a short walk there has you ready. Many flat screens keep your mind occupied away from the pain/pump of lifting mucho amount of weight. This happens at night so it's up to us vampires to keep this time period alive. Happy twats all around.

It's Gotta Be the Muscles

"You're mine."

-Sara

Do you ever have those weird moments where you think that a positive thing cannot actually be possible? The above statement came when Sara and I were walking around Target. I'm not sure what the main reason for going to this store was. All that I found funny happened when Sara and I walked through the middle section of the store, women's lingerie/athletic. A bunch of college girls were standing around talking about something only to stop and look at me as I passed by. I'm not joking at all and, yes, Sara took notice of this. It's weird to be hit on and stared at, not because I'm some kind of freak. Okay, I am sort of a freak with the large chest, etc. but to think I'm wanted so often.........Even funnier is how Sara used to hate having to deal with this, especially when it happens while she is with me, only to now love it.

Enough about my ego! On with the show! We've got clowns, homemade rootbeer, and soon there will be pictures put up. Don't say I don't do anything for you. I'm just open and crazy. It's not like you can beat me up or anything. Threats only make me laugh.

So, just how did I end up with something Sara will never ever let me forget? Apparently, I flirted with a gay guy in a used bookstore without realizing it. Sara and I were hanging around the comic book section to kill time since her roommate was still in pursuit of anything relative to nursing her geekiness. Behind this store's area is a used VHS area that contains all sorts of oldies but goodies, namely horror flicks that strike up my past moments of wondering why an axe is a useful tool for taking out frustrations on half-naked coeds.

I just couldn't help mentioning to this guy that was walking around with a Fright Night copy about how much I loved that movie when I was a kid. Sure, it's kind of corny now but, back then, that was the shit! "You're dead, Brewster!" was the infamous line said by Ed (I *think* that's what his name was) so, naturally, I said it. The guy's ears perked up and the next thing ya know we're talking about the various movies offered for sale.

Damn, the funniest thing was how goofy I acted when I came back to see what Sara was now doing. It was here that I told her how I made a new friend in her town all thanks to the power of horror movies. I'm sure I high-fived myself as I walked up and down the aisles because hardly anyone sees horror movies in the same fun as I do. Bored was I so I walked back to talk some more with my 'new friend.'

This is where it gets very funny. Sara and I waited in line to pay for something. My 'new friend' was behind her smiling at me. Oh, I smiled back and did all sorts of more things to show some sort of weirdness that is brought out in me when someone gets the things I love. Sara, meanwhile, is having the time of her life laughing at me because I do not realize that I'm, in a sense, flirting with a gay guy. I have no gaydar after thinking I have some from past events where I was able to pick out a gay guy from far away. Stick with me here. I suck at trying to explain this.

When Sara and I walked out of the bookstore, it was here that she straight up tells me that the guy I was talking so goofy-like to was gay. Naturally, I defended my lack of gaydar by saying, "No way!" All the 'new friend's' mannerisms suddenly played in my mind like a movie. Oh, gawd! Since when does a straight guy smile and wave at me like that? That kind of explains his purchase of the movie, Mac And Me, too. I was confused about that one as I stared at his selection of VHS tapes about to be bought.

I know for a fact that Sara will never let me forget this.

It was a long fucking weekend where much of Sunday was spent walking around at the town's Feast. It's nice and easy to navigate but I hate how so many people litter. The porta-potties were so bad that a little girl who just finished leaped out with her pants down and nose closed. This is one case where it is absolutely beautiful to have a cock that can be drained by simply pissing in the trough to the left. I didn't even close the door completely for fear of touching the handle.

As you know, The Feast is a re-enactment of the old days where men with muskets fought or traded with Indians. Food was cooked in a large pot over a fire and animal skins were used to keep warm in the winter. Hopefully, you paid attention to your history books because Ultrarooster is not here to teach you jackshit. I came to be entertained and see axes thrown by women in large dresses that need to be hiked up in order to walk.

Loved the Clockwork Clown comedy troupe. 1 guy, a slight comedian side that Sara found hot to look at, and his short female clown made up this neat little act. Fire breathing and comedy were good to me but it was the small female clown that I loved. Normally, I'm scared of clowns but she was so H-O-T to look at and showed good acting skills while being limber. I've got a lot of pictures of these 2, yessirree.

As for Saturday night, obviously before the Feast, it was spent in a haunted house put on by high schoolers. At $10 a ticket, I was skeptical but found it a lot of fun. For once, I got a teensy weensy bit scared when my fear of not knowing where I was came up as the group I was with had to navigate itself through a section filled with white paper-like products hanging from the ceiling. Never mind the killer babies, zombies, and the guy dressed as Jason from Friday the 13th. It was all about the possibility of being lost that got me a little freaked, so freaked that I had to place my hands on the shoulders of the girl in front of me as she did with the girl in front of her. To give you an idea as to how scary it got for some, 1 girl had to be taken out early due to not being able to go any further.

Basically, the haunted house went like this. You're placed in a holding cell with a small group, about 6 to 8 total. You're then led through a path where various scary things try to pop up out of nowhere. I'm bigger than high schoolers so I've got no issue with a kid trying to take a false shot at me. Sara, on the other hand, had a 'zombie' that kept telling her she smelled good. The parts I liked were the tilting walkway that made you feel like you were slowly going upside down. Way cool about how hard it was just to walk when your senses lost it so fast. Some of the house's designs were nicely put together and the ending was about getting through a maze of hay while people chased you with chainsaws. Good luck if you're female because those guys love the aroma of a scared cunt.

If you wish to know, Sara was behind me the whole time holding onto my shoulders. The issue was the strobe lights that may set off her epilepsy so moments were spent where she had her eyes closed. That tilting walkway was only possible for her by holding onto me. Gawd, I loved that thing and being made to feel like I was too drunk to stand up.

So, there you have it. A long weekend with a few more things to add later. This'll be my first night where I get to sleep in for some major healing. The sex on Sunday night wore me the fuck out as I had to get up early to drop her off at work and then drive home to work. This morning's doctor's appointment didn't make matters any better. Tonight, I get to recover. Knowing she had 6 orgasms made it worthwhile because a woman with a very relaxed pussy is easier to sleep next to. Happy twats all around.

They Were In My Pants

"You're such a girl."

-Sara

It took her this long to realize that!?! After owning 6 leather jackets, 12 hoodies, hundreds of shirts, 84 sneakers, 210 pairs of socks, and loads of moments where I have documented my feelings on things I go through each day, Sara finally comes to the conclusion that she has been sleeping with another woman, one with a thick penis. Then again, even a die-hard lesbian doesn't hold the fascination I have when it comes to the knicks and knacks of pussy.

Yes, I am back and trying my best to recover a weekend where much was done and idiotic antics (Mine) kept happening as they always do. Sunday was so much walking that I didn't have any energy to make it into the gym and barely got through work. The more embarrassing thing is that I nodded off for a couple seconds while driving home. There was no throwing up. I repeat. There was no throwing up in a red A & F hoodie this time.

You'll thank me for the work I do for you folks out there that find the kindness in your hearts to read this girly drivel spit out by a male. 27 pictures were taken of the yearly event in Indiana, The Feast. Mind you, this is where we walked around a large field all fucking day as people re-enacted the days where muskets were used to protect the women and livestock. Nowadays, them there rifles will cost you about $735 but you best bring some I.D. or you's be gettin' some iron in yo' ass. White settlers don't fuck around. They be the real O.G.'s so fight the power.

But if you want to talk about last night.........disaster brought on by yours truly. I thought I lost Sara's car keys since I drive full-time thanks to her epilepsy. It was Sara, Marty, and I that decided to go out to eat at a restaurant I've never heard of. Well, I freaked the fuck out over the fact that I lost her car keys all while looking everywhere, restaurant and the outside. It was dark so we couldn't see in the car itself no matter how hard they flashed their cell phones' glow.

To add insult to injury, Sara's dad comes by to rescue Sara and I. By then, Marty got picked up by a friend and I was too agitated with myself to care. I've been taught long and hard by my parents to never lose car keys or any keys for that matter. This would have been the first time in all my life that I've ever lost a key. Oh, to know that Sara's dad would be on his way with his usual smile over his daughter's boyfriend's demise was gonna happen. Trust me. The man has a humorous side but I was too embarrassed to enjoy it.

So, where were the car keys? In my pants the whole fucking time. Right when the tow truck pulled into the parking lot (Sara only has one key-I still cannot believe this because I'm always doubling them), I reached down to my ankles and mocked feeling for the keys. My fingers touched a small plastic thing that was definitely the door locking plastic part. I'm completely fucking pissed at myself for not knowing the my rumpled up cargo pants have held the keys there the whole fucking time right as Sara's dad seems like he is enjoying the chance to talk with his daughter and see me in the state I am at that point. I pull out the key right as the tow truck guy gets to the car and I wished the large billboard sign would have fallen on me right then and there.

Now, you're probably asking yourself how keys get to the bottom of cargo pants like that. My pants have a hole in the right pocket that I didn't think was big enough for a key with a plastic automatic locking mechanism. Normally, I just place things in my left pocket but why I picked that night to shout like a Turret's Syndrome sufferer as I'm on my way to take Sara out for hot chocolate.........I will never know. The funny thing is that I was playfully told to stand instead at the table instead of sitting with Sara and her dad.

There's more. Oh, there's more about what happened this weekend because there are a few things I did that made Sara laugh. Yes, I totally bring the weird stuff but also the confused idiot that has no idea as to what is going on until his girlfriend lets him in on a little secret. Apparently, I 'accidentally' flirt with gay guys. Later on this. Sara will never let me forget about this.

So, I bid you a much needed adieu. I'm dog-tired after driving home to a dog that would not let me take a nap, work, and then having to skip the gym thanks to almost falling asleep at dinner. It's like I was telling Sara last night. We're getting old. It's all about putting in appearances at parties or events instead of just staying in and fucking like the old days. Funny how we ended up having sex and possibly adopting the starving cat I mentioned in the past. Long story. I'll get to it tomorrow. Maybe. Happy twats all around.

Retarded Old Timer

"Time is a gift, given to you, given to give you the time you need, the time you need to have the time of your life."

-Tock of 'The Phantom Tollbooth'

Tock is right, totally dead-on. Tomorrow, for me, work is going to be very hella hard to deal with. I'm taking off for Indiana right after I'm told I can leave. I'm just not up for night driving after doing something that makes many people fall down on the floor from exhaustion. While I crave the challenge of things like this, sometimes a young man's fancy turns to the sexual excitement that awaits him. Trust me. If the sex is good, and I mean really filthy, dirty, kinky where you don't write home to Mum, a guy will clear his schedule of everything just for that sensual feeling when it slides in.

I trust I do not have to say exactly what 'it' is now do I, girls?

I've had a very weird day that shouts 'nerd' all over it. Well, it does to me thanks to memories of how I was a very odd child from 1st through 4th Grades. My love of bugs and dinosaurs pretty much trumped all. Remember, I was the kid that took out all his lunch just to replace it with a giant grasshopper he found for his bug collection.

This was different and you just cannot make this shit up. While filling my car with gas after a short time spent in the local independent bookstore reading about the adventures of Spiderman, I noticed a large moth on the ground. Of course, it was alive being that it had no marks or bug blood anywhere. But why was it just laying there on the ground?

What's a boy to do? Why pick up large gigantic moth and bring it home. Gosh, I just make you want to slap your forehead out of frustration with trying to figure me out. It's in me to not allow the chance for this moth to be stepped on or run over. Moth rode shotgun in my car as I sped home in hopes to place it on the tree. This wasn't some ordinary moth so I'll try to describe it for ya.

Picture a large grey moth but with an abdomen that commands attention. You'll notice the pink lines first but, upon further inspection, the skull-like upper thorax gives you the impression it has a skull. Yes, it's close to being one of those 'death's head' moths but not quite. While I was doing my best to get the moth onto the tree, my mother came out to ask why I had not entered the house yet. Guess what? Even she stopped to look at the moth and comment on how beautiful it was. Too bad the damn thing was fucked up from gasoline fumes or something. That's why the moth would sit still for a little while and then do its best to attempt flying/escape maneuvers in an erratic manner. Gorgeous bug, though.

I fancy weird things. Deal with it, fucker.

As much as I would love to ask you how your morning was, I don't feel right into going towards how hard it is to deal with a small dog that has a gigantic turd ball stuck to her ass where I had to get a stick. And......oh, hell. The morning just sucked. While you are rubbing sleep, taking a walk to pee, combing your hair, I was crouched down on the sidewalk trying to help 5-Pound Phooey with the enormous amount of shit that got stuck in her hair. This happens every 2 months thanks to an enormous amount of hair on Yorkshire Terriers' asses. So, the lesson here is to shave your asses, girls. Got that? It's embarrassing and has to be done so take your dogs to the best waxers out there.

According to Sara, I have to bring a nice wardrobe because we are going on a date. Return of trying to figure the other person out and whether she will allow you into her pants kind of thing returns. A-hoy! I'm smiling because Sara mentioned a possible roller skating event with another couple to share good times with. If that involves a 5'10 white boy with massive shoulders and blue eyes holding onto the railings for dear life while 'Play That Funky Music' blares on the sound system, I am so there.

I guess it is kind of nice. Sara did tell me that I am so gonna get my naughty parts slick with the right kind of stickiness only she provides. Can't go wrong with roller skating afterwards to air everything out prior to another session. Breeze plus balls equals goodness gracious as the hairs stand up. The last time I roller skated was in 3rd Grade and was ordered by the nuns to stay on the carpet. That was the only place I could stand up on and get my boogie oogie on all by my lonesome self.

Sometimes, I think I need a helmet and my name on my underwear in case I forget who I am. Then again, would I be willing to ask someone to read the words markered back there? As far as I know, you can call me 'Calvin Klein.'

So, there's date night and the Feast to deal with. Gonna be a busy weekend as I've already prepared for the sex part. Sara likes everything bare down there so I'm possibly smoother than you are, dear reader. To her, it's easier to do filthy things with her mouth when hairs don't get in there. To me, I just like it that I don't get chewed out as I always do if I let things grow out too far. Sara loves penises as should you. See why the hour long drive to Indiana is going to feel even longer? I love falling asleep feeling so sticky. Happy twats all around.

Even Zombies Eat Bush

"If your wife weighs more than your pickup, you might be a redneck."

-Jeff Foxworthy

Actually, this redneck joke came to mind this morning while walking 5-Pound Phooey. While waiting for her to sniff the 1 thousandth place that every dog seems to feel must be pee'd on, I noticed a car going quite slowly. A major part of me is cautious so I kept my eye on it as I continued on with a dog that found another place to sniff. This blue car was getting on my nerves because it was still behind me, but only a short distance that had me wanting to know real bad why.

So, I look to my right as this car is finally going to pass. It's a small blue one being driven by a gigantic lardass of a woman that I could swear was not much smaller than the car itself. The steering wheel was up her bosom of magnitude that chubby chasers would love to get their hands on but not I. How the fuck does a woman of that size drive with a body like that and steer with those large sausage-like fingers!?!

I'm not saying my neighborhood is unsafe. It's far from that as we've got quite a lot of business owners and people that pay other people to take care of the lawns or kids. I'm just overly cautious when people behave strange around me. Even the portly folks seem to be able to have me looking out the sides of my eyes in case they make a move. My, my I think I tend to get a little paranoid.

But no matter! I had a good day at work, nothing too tiring for once. There is the challenge but I had a few new things to keep my mind occupied and to say hi to the deaf guy. It's fun to know that he realizes that he has someone else to talk to now. Big smiles! Big smiles! Believe me, that is hard in a place that works yo' ass silly. 2 people in my orientation class quit showing up for work. Sad. I'm still in love with the challenge but could do without the bruises. You've got to look for fun somewhere.

Interesting. Sara sent me an email telling me how she loved my filthy one I sent her a short time ago. Nothing like getting a girl all wet before coming to visit. If you are a male reading this pathetic blog, learn to write. Better yet, get yourself a nymphomaniac for a girlfriend that needs hundreds of males to satisfy her sexual needs and then write her extremely dirty thoughts. Make the devil blush. Her soaked panties will be handed to you prior to her descending to her knees to unzip your pants before your cock ends up in her mouth. Isn't it fantastic to cum in a girl's mouth?

Right now, I'm watching 28 Days Later, the sequel to 28 Days After. You should brush up on your cult classics to know what movies I'm talking about. Picture London completely bare of people. Walk around Big Ben and not have to avoid bumping into tourists. Why? People, man, they're all gone. Or are they?

I've not seen 28 Days After, the first one deemed so scary that it puts all zombie films to shame. If I could find my DVD of it, yeah, I'll pop it on in. Basically, people are sort of dead thanks to a rage virus that started with a monkey biting someone in London. Eventually, it goes berserk by getting to everyone til there are only a few survivors left. Think you can outrun a zombie? How about if they have the abilities of track stars thanks to the virus? There is something extremely scary about people that run faster than you, old ladies, for example, that are about to tear your throat out.

The first 45-minutes of 28 Days Later have been pretty good. Not surprisingly, foreign films get it right on scaring people. Don't put in some stupid guy that provides the comic relief that isn't even funny. No, 28 Days Later is grim and doesn't let up because, oh boy, these people are fucked when those with the rage virus find 'em. The man that left his wife in the room with them had to. You'll see what I mean and why this plays into the story. Good stuff but don't go looking for anything funny.

Nothing really to report on friends even if Slutwatcher was a hoot to mess with last night. It's football season so I have to listen to him tell me how great the Dallas Cowboys are. Any day/night with his team means a lazy-boy with a six-pack o' beer. Wish I had that ability to lose my IQ points.

As for the porn that I finally got to finish last night, pretty boring. Then again, porn is pretty boring nowadays since it's all about gimmicks. I don't care how pretty you are. If your whole point in being filmed is your pretty ass being bent over while a guy shoves his dick up it, you've lost your ability to interest me. All the sex was straightforward and the same. Girls comes across older male. Somehow, a penis is loose! Girl barely over 20 decides to consume it or polish it wish saliva. Male disrobes girl and explores/licks her pussy. Fucking begins. Oh, please just get to the money shot! Please, please, please. Finally, he pulls out and comes all over her face.

How rude!

There was a savior that made the DVD worth buying. A documentary on the creator of this series was a lot of fun! Various porn stars got their starts here and it shows. Jenna Haze is almost unrecognizable. Belladonna, infamous for taking a baseball bat up her ass (not the handle, mind you) is much younger looking while being interviewed. I know I talk like I know porn stars but I've seen so many shows or interviews of these people talking so openly that I tend to kind of like some. None of that worry about what others think. If thousands in the world have seen you with your legs wide open, little things tend to not matter. It's too bad the creator of the series died 2 years ago because I see nothing worth keeping it around for more.

And the most horrible awful no good thing? Since these girls are quite young, it was no surprise that all had their pussies waxed completely. Ugh. No personality in crotches is what I'd say because each looked like camel hooves with pink kleenex shoved up there. Seen one, you've seen them all. Even the Thai/Indian's pussy was too similar to the white girls that dominated the show. This hairless obsession is going too far and making things too boring. In between the pink is nice for bare since it's easier to lick and eat. The front brings out the personality because I'm always curious as to how it's been trimmed.

I'm too tired to get excited over this. 28 Days After is awaiting me and ah needs my zombie chasing good times. It helps me sleep and not lay awake wondering just how Sara is going to pounce on me in bed. Funny how she's happy about me licking her more down there. I'm not sure if I'll be able to after work thanks to all the soreness I accumulate. Happy twats all around.

It's Not Meant To Be Bare

"Complacency through ignorance is unacceptable."

-Scout (a Suicide Girl)

Shouldn't have spoken as I did. A few entries back I made notice that my left side of the body is all banged up. One huge bruise, 2 smaller but still noticeable bruises, a few cuts, and a skinned knee were all on the left side. Lately, I'm just now getting things going on the right. You'd swear I play professional football if you'd get a nice long look at me. It is flattering for you to do so. No big deal since I'm in my second childhood where I still remember the first, each night meant counting the cuts as I sat there in the bathtub. I bet you think I was such a cute little tyke back then. Those little buns were put to work at driving girls nuts and begging for toys from Mum.

So, Nine Inch Nails has gone indie. No label owns this band that Sara loves to the core. All those sex dreams she has of Trent are for a guy that was once so wild and untameable but now without a ring leader. Actually, this is more about the distribution of the music itself, according to Sara's sex gawd.

Really? I've always wondered about artists putting up all this bitching on their labels. Are you really that upset if a tire company uses your song? Do you own 100% of the music that you create? I know for a fact that I'd be extremely upset if a Republican used my words or music in a speech. Wasn't it John Mellencamp that got pissed off about President Reagan using his song 'Pink Houses' and Bruce Springsteen saying hell no to Reagan using 'Born In the USA?' Those songs being used were actually protests to their form of government being pushed by that asshole Republican.

I'm all for an artist putting out music or movies how he/she sees fit. It's just that I wonder about why some seem to just bite the hand that feeds them. You start out as someone wanting to make some money and get laid. You get that and begin to feel like a superstar. Monster orgies and mansions to own! Oh, but what's that? You hate how your album is being sent? I'm totally behind you if it's the ridiculous CD prices or not liking a song being used by someone you do not like or believe in. I just hate the whining.

My day was okay. No new bruises but marks here and there. The cooler air made work slightly more bearable. Why my luck has me working without a partner is what I wonder. You see, I have to rely on someone in too many cases only to wonder where that person is. It slows me down while a person will walk by drinking some Gatorade. Hey, I'm thirsty, too!

Of course, I got my grot. Hell, I even took the time to talk to the manger and found her to be quite nice, nicer than I expected. It was her opinion that porn stores are still doing well while I disagree. The place is so small compared to the old days where you'd find humongous selections of the filthiest magazines ever created. There would be a large assortment of dildos, various herbs/remedies for erection issues, various sections for your tastes where gay was just as even, the occasional Playboy centerfold put up on the sides of a shelf, and so much more. Now, it's like a medium-sized room where the only people I've seen come out of the arcade section. I've taken a long look because this'll be the last visit to the local porn store for a long time since it's not my thing to hang out at.

Note: I found myself more amused with the dog park right next door when I pondered about how much shit my little 5-Pound Phooey would get in trouble if sent in. How long til she gets kicked out? Possibly 3 minutes or less if the dachshunds would be willing to let her little legs go during the latest argument.

Walking my little 5-Pound Phooey takes place at night. It's mostly a long walk through the park on the sidewalk all the way around. While I may be a bit big, I still become very suspicious of activity like the one that went on tonight. There was a car in the parking lot being driven in a weird manner after I passed by it. It would go around and then back up to park. Yes, it's a safe neighborhood and could be a teen learning how to drive but I still suspect the most negative. 5-Pound Phooey will go for the ankles while I hit 'em high after breaking the collar bone. Would 5-Pound Phooey protect me or will she head for the hills to call in the reserves, squirrels and moles.

First, 5-Pound Phooey would have to sign a treaty telling all animals smaller than her that she will no longer harass them with harsh words.

Oh, as for the grot/porn that I bought, it's a bit of a let-down. My only reason for getting it was this redhead that looked a bit like Keira Knightley. Turns out, she's barely in it. While there are six girls in total telling about their 'first times' (why is it almost always with old guys?), only 5 participate in each fantasy. Yeah, I'm sure the 6-girl orgy is going to be amazing because the redhead is in it. It's just that I expected a bit more than just her bent over and eaten out. Plus, since it's 6 girls barely over 20 years of age, their pussies are completely waxed. Boring. No personality down there as older guys pound 'em til their dark pink. One goes purple, though.

Well, I'm outta here. Plans are underway for my own digital camera soon. Gonna go Canon as I deal with my promise to show things around my way. Boy needs some sleep and to prepare for 28 Weeks Later since Sara will not allow horror movies. Zombies come after the 6-girls orgy. Happy twats all around.