How To Piss A Woman Off

Me: "Sammy sure does give me hell on my blog. I'm always given very blunt criticism."

Sara: "That's because she likes you. She really likes you, Mike."

Me: "I knew it! (Thinks dreamily about dressing up in a banana suit and being chased by Sammy, dressed in a gorilla costume)."

-An Actual conversation with Sara in bed, just last night. This was prior to me getting hell for saying that HBO's Sex And the City is nothing but a bunch of ugly women thinking they are too hot for New York's male population. Never criticize a girl's most beloved show. Guys, you might want to write that down.

This just in. Britney Spears loses custody of the 2 kids. Wow! Totally didn't see that one coming.

Work kicked my ass today so bear with me. I've awoken at 6am my time to take Sara to work and then drove the 1 hour and 19 minutes in murky unpredictable weather. While it would have been better for me to sleep in and have someone else do the driving, Sara insisted it be me. Apparently, I do rank much higher than a neurotic mother that always talks at a time when quiet is best. High-five for me.

Do you do that? Ya know, talk in bed a lot? Sara and I do it quite a bit as I see that polls have shown how couples don't do this much. Is it age and just wanting to sleep after dealing with work and kids? If time allows, Sara and I read a little bit and bring up different topics to discuss like the one above. Yeah, I got a lot of shit for not liking Sex And the City even if the writing was pretty good. As much as I wish I could believe it, I just don't see women looking like that as something men would be after. Charollete, yes. The horse-mouth woman, Carrie? No.

Then again, I don't see all of the boys of HBO's Entourage as getting laid easily. If you can handle the boys being boys type o' thing, it's not bad. Well, we can't forget the most unforgettable idiot with a gay assistant, Artie. What comes out of his mouth is pure fucking gold. Always.

Talking in bed is kind of fun. You have your bed buddy all to yourself. If you're like Sara and I, clothes are always off. Not only is sex possible but this is where you are at your most vulnerable so polish off your gloves for all sort of discussions that get either one of you pissed or both going to bed angry. Sara was sensitive when I teased her about her questioning whether she cuddles too much. After 10 minutes of pitch black darkness, I am ordered to turn the lights back on and discuss. She was upset but I didn't realize it at the time. You know you're in trouble when she orders the light back on and the first thing you see is a major frowny face.

We're fine. Apparently, I have a weird wit when it comes to humor. Can you handle me in bed, debate-wise? You'll have to be up for a possible discussion on the demise or love of porn and graphic words describing the penis and vagina. Assholes come up every now and then. We are naked, after all.

But then there is the other question? How do you know a woman is in love with you? Is it when she looks at me naked and points to my crotch and says, "THAT is mine!"? No, it's something that happens during kissing. At least, for me, it does. When Sara goes to get these lips, she does this thing with her eyes that I'd swear happens to really see into me. It's not just me that she's looking at but everything that matters to her. This happens a lot.

I'm always amazed with Sara's friends. I've very rarely met people that can make me feel so warm so soon. Of course, 2 of my former friends were drug addicts that lost their fucking minds and the other is a southern alcoholic (the best kind and lovable). No one judges. No one has a lot of money. No one tries to bring the other down by saying bad things. It's just us, a few beers, a game of Nintendo Wii, and trying to find funny Youtube videos like 'The Star Wars Kid' and Gary the Numa retard.

I like that. Each visit I have in Indiana brings me to having dinner at a restaurant with a large assortment of Sara's friends. The last one, I counted 8 people talking all at once in Lone Star Steakhouse. Everyone's got problems but we're more about being goofy and trying to explain to one guy that the restaurant no longer wants peanut shells on the floor. For Halloween, a few of the guys are throwing a party where everyone is going to dress as a Family Guy character. Quagmire has already been found.

Well, I need to hit the hay soon after my first crazy moment of driving and then going to work to get my ass kicked. Will there be more? Gawd, even Sara's too tired to fuck. We got one really good session in on Sunday morning that had her prancing around all happy. Trust me. A girl that is happy in bed after being taken from behind is a very happy girl. Happy twats all around.