They Were In My Pants

"You're such a girl."

-Sara

It took her this long to realize that!?! After owning 6 leather jackets, 12 hoodies, hundreds of shirts, 84 sneakers, 210 pairs of socks, and loads of moments where I have documented my feelings on things I go through each day, Sara finally comes to the conclusion that she has been sleeping with another woman, one with a thick penis. Then again, even a die-hard lesbian doesn't hold the fascination I have when it comes to the knicks and knacks of pussy.

Yes, I am back and trying my best to recover a weekend where much was done and idiotic antics (Mine) kept happening as they always do. Sunday was so much walking that I didn't have any energy to make it into the gym and barely got through work. The more embarrassing thing is that I nodded off for a couple seconds while driving home. There was no throwing up. I repeat. There was no throwing up in a red A & F hoodie this time.

You'll thank me for the work I do for you folks out there that find the kindness in your hearts to read this girly drivel spit out by a male. 27 pictures were taken of the yearly event in Indiana, The Feast. Mind you, this is where we walked around a large field all fucking day as people re-enacted the days where muskets were used to protect the women and livestock. Nowadays, them there rifles will cost you about $735 but you best bring some I.D. or you's be gettin' some iron in yo' ass. White settlers don't fuck around. They be the real O.G.'s so fight the power.

But if you want to talk about last night.........disaster brought on by yours truly. I thought I lost Sara's car keys since I drive full-time thanks to her epilepsy. It was Sara, Marty, and I that decided to go out to eat at a restaurant I've never heard of. Well, I freaked the fuck out over the fact that I lost her car keys all while looking everywhere, restaurant and the outside. It was dark so we couldn't see in the car itself no matter how hard they flashed their cell phones' glow.

To add insult to injury, Sara's dad comes by to rescue Sara and I. By then, Marty got picked up by a friend and I was too agitated with myself to care. I've been taught long and hard by my parents to never lose car keys or any keys for that matter. This would have been the first time in all my life that I've ever lost a key. Oh, to know that Sara's dad would be on his way with his usual smile over his daughter's boyfriend's demise was gonna happen. Trust me. The man has a humorous side but I was too embarrassed to enjoy it.

So, where were the car keys? In my pants the whole fucking time. Right when the tow truck pulled into the parking lot (Sara only has one key-I still cannot believe this because I'm always doubling them), I reached down to my ankles and mocked feeling for the keys. My fingers touched a small plastic thing that was definitely the door locking plastic part. I'm completely fucking pissed at myself for not knowing the my rumpled up cargo pants have held the keys there the whole fucking time right as Sara's dad seems like he is enjoying the chance to talk with his daughter and see me in the state I am at that point. I pull out the key right as the tow truck guy gets to the car and I wished the large billboard sign would have fallen on me right then and there.

Now, you're probably asking yourself how keys get to the bottom of cargo pants like that. My pants have a hole in the right pocket that I didn't think was big enough for a key with a plastic automatic locking mechanism. Normally, I just place things in my left pocket but why I picked that night to shout like a Turret's Syndrome sufferer as I'm on my way to take Sara out for hot chocolate.........I will never know. The funny thing is that I was playfully told to stand instead at the table instead of sitting with Sara and her dad.

There's more. Oh, there's more about what happened this weekend because there are a few things I did that made Sara laugh. Yes, I totally bring the weird stuff but also the confused idiot that has no idea as to what is going on until his girlfriend lets him in on a little secret. Apparently, I 'accidentally' flirt with gay guys. Later on this. Sara will never let me forget about this.

So, I bid you a much needed adieu. I'm dog-tired after driving home to a dog that would not let me take a nap, work, and then having to skip the gym thanks to almost falling asleep at dinner. It's like I was telling Sara last night. We're getting old. It's all about putting in appearances at parties or events instead of just staying in and fucking like the old days. Funny how we ended up having sex and possibly adopting the starving cat I mentioned in the past. Long story. I'll get to it tomorrow. Maybe. Happy twats all around.